XV.
After this strange transfiguration, a strong thought came to me which seldom left me, nay, rather continually recurred to me, and held this discourse with me: “Since thou presentest so contemptible an appearance when thou art near this lady, why then seekest thou to see her? Behold, if she were to ask thee this, what wouldst thou have to answer? supposing that all thy faculties were free, so that thou couldst answer her.” And to this another humble thought replied, and said: “if I lost not my faculties and were free so that I could answer, I should say to her, that so soon as I picture to myself her marvellous beauty, so soon a desire to see her comes to me, which is of such great virtue that it slays and destroys in my memory that which might rise against it; and therefore past sufferings hold me not back from seeking the sight of her.” Wherefore, moved by such thoughts, I resolved to say certain words, in which, excusing myself to her from blame on this account, I would also set down what befell me in her presence; and I devised this sonnet: —
That which opposeth in my mind doth die
Whene’er I come to see you, beauteous Joy!
And I hear Love say, when to you I ‘m nigh,
”Begone, if death be unto thee annoy.”
My face the color of my heart displays,
Which, fainting, nay chance support doth seek;
And as I tremble in my drunken daze,
”Die! die!” the very stones appear to shriek.
He who may then behold me doeth ill,
If my affrighted soul he comfort not,
Showing at least that me he pitieth,
Through that compassion which your scorn doth kill,
And which is by the lifeless look begot
Of eyes which have a longing for their death.
This sonnet is divided into two parts. In the first, I tell the reason why I abstain not from seeking the presence of this lady; in the second, I tell that which befalls me when I draw nigh to her, and this part begins here: “And I hear Love.” And this second part is also divided into five, according to the five different facts related; for in the first I tell that which Love, counselled by the reason, says to me when I am near her; in the second, I set forth the state of my heart by the example of my face; in the third, I tell how every reliance fails me; in the fourth, I say that he sins who shows not pity for me, inasmuch as this would be some comfort to me; in the last, I tell why others ought to have pity, namely, because of the piteous look which comes into my eyes, which piteous look is destroyed, that is, is not apparent unto others, on account of the derision of this lady which draws to the like disposition those who perchance might see this woe. The second part begins here: “My face;” the third, “And as I tremble;” the fourth, “He who may then;” the fifth, “Through that compassion.”