open; for, (1.) These sermons, most of them at least, were indeed
my wants, and to aim at and seek my fruit, by sticking to the root Jesus Christ, and not from my sincerity, nor any thing else in myself; looking on the Lord Jesus as the head of influences, and as made of God unto me, wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption; from whence I was led into a sweet view of my union and communion with him."
My work on the catechism still lying by without a return to it, I have been seeking of the Lord, that he will clear me as to what I am to do. I would fain be helped to be doing something for my Master while I am in life; yet desiring to submit, if he will take no more in that kind off my hand, but that I might glorify him now by suffering. And now my way begins to clear somewhat towards revising the notes on the covenant of grace. and it is encouraging, that, whereas I found myself quite out of case for study on Friday and Saturday, yet was obliged to preach twice yesterday, the Lord helped thereto, allowing strength for his work.
April 2.—I have been still seeking to be cleared as aforesaid, three things being before me. 1. Going on in the work of the Hebrew text, which I can find no freedom to enter on at present, considering it as the chief, to make way for which other things are to be dispatched. 2. Going forward on the catechism; as to which I find I was providentially carried into it without design; and having finished the first part of the catechism, I was stopped after the same manner; and there appears a kind of justice in leaving the rest of it unto my two brethren; it answers not my design for the parish, as to a form of examination, being after the first questions quite too large; and for my children, as much is done in it, as will serve them a good time. I have nevertheless found it to be of valuable use to me since that time; and I bless the Lord, who led me to it, in the manner above related. 3. Writing on the covenant of grace; to which my light doth chiefly open; for, (1.) These sermons, most of them at least, were indeed studied with a design of more public usefulness. (2.) It seems fitter than new study, in respect of my bodily weakness. (3.) Great difficulty having appeared as to the modelling of the first part of
these notes, some light for getting through the same begins to break, which does in a manner necessitate me to essay this work, ere that go out of my head. I have smarted, as usual in time of my being unfixed to some particular business.
April 8.—Yesterday I ended my sermons on the hearing of prayer; but there is no appearance of my wife's deliverance. As to the frame of my spirit on that trying occasion, it was and is a resoluteness to wait on the Lord, with a contentment and pleasedness too, with what way he shall be pleased to take in it, as that which will be the best. Last week, as I had opportunity, I attempted the settling of my affairs; and I did reach the way of disposing of the Latin essay on the accentuation, and the parcel of my books to be left for prosecuting my beloved study; as to my other affairs I quite stuck, and could by no means reach the settling of them. Wherefore I cried to the Lord, that he would please either to teach me how to do it, or else carry me off from it, that it might not stand in the way of my proceeding to business. After which, the entanglement still remaining as to these other affairs, it came into my mind to settle the two things cleared; and as to the other, to let things stand much as formerly. And this I did on Saturday. When I consider how a year ago I was resolved to make a new settlement, my substance being increased, but was obliged to delay it; and being in November last just on the point of doing it, my affairs were suddenly perplexed; on February last being resolved on it, I was put then under a providential restraint; and now again was not able to reach it; I am satisfied not to proceed further, but let that of the date Jan. 1, 1725 stand; and that the design of this conduct of Providence will at length appear. So having spent some time in prayer, and thinking on my business of another nature, this day, I am determined to essay writing on the covenant of grace. What determined me was, that proceeding on the catechism seemed to me, as it were, an invading the province of others; and I can have no rational view of an end of my study on the Hebrew text, but what death will make; that this is a very necessary piece of work, clearing that grand subject much darkened; and I found I had been solicitous, that, in the event of my being prevented by death, Mr. Wilson might
put these notes in order for the press. So, notwithstanding of the weakness of the performance as it stands, and inability to study, which are heavy to me, I am convinced I ought, and dare not slight this opportunity to essay it.
April 15.—Having on Tuesday spent some time in prayer for the Lord's presence with me in that work, spreading my notes before the Lord, and pleading for light from the Father of lights, through the Son by his Spirit, I did, on Wednesday April 10, begin that work; and found the effect of the application on my body; my head, which long since had begun to shake, being thereby made sensibly to shake more to a degree. Since that time I have not had time and strength both together, to do any more in it; but I desire to be found so doing as the Lord shall enable. My wife returned on Saturday to the little room; which is, in my view, the inner prison. The matter of the restraint on me, as to altering the settlement of my affairs, begins to open. I had little comfort in the gathering of that money; and Providence has now blown upon it being gathered. My great comfort now with respect to it is, I had no anxiety to gather it together. And I hope the Lord is teaching me to live by faith, with respect to my children's provision, and will provide for them another way than I meant.
April 22.—Last week the Lord was pleased to give strength to make a comfortable progress in my work. My wife also had an intermission of her melancholy, wherein it was removed for the space of one night. And this is the second time, or at most the third, that has fallen out in the course of so many years. This gives some hope. Meanwhile it becomes mighty, the floods lift up their voice.
May 7.—On Sabbath last, being very weak, and on a very weighty subject, I put up a request to the Lord, to get it delivered, and was graciously heard. I have had several experiences of this kind.
May 21.—Having been minded to go to Galashiels on the 7th, to concert about the sacrament here, I was the night before disabled by a bruise got by a fall from my horse; and last week being recovered, I
went thither, and saw I had missed the one half of my errand if Providence had not given me that stop. About the end of April, I received a letter in Latin, from Mr. John Flint, above designed, concerning the essay on the accentuation, by him also revised; unto the which, tending to discourage, I made a return quickly in the same language. The sacrament was delayed till August, in regard of Mr. Davidson's weakness, and my wife's case. And I think it was of the Lord.
My next ordinary subject was, the slow procedure of Providence against the wicked, from Eccl. 8:11, "Because sentence against an evil work is not speedily executed, therefore the heart of the children of men is fully set in them to do evil." This was occasioned by the case of the unhappy J—— A——, of whose guilt of adultery, he being now married, there were strong grounds of suspicion; but there was no bringing of the same to light, notwithstanding all endeavours made that way. Hereon I insisted till June 23; after which, by my own struggle in my wife's case, I was led, both abroad and at home, to that text; 2 Cor. 5:7, "For we walk by faith, not by sight." Then, with an eye to the administering of the sacrament, I entered on Luke 6:46, "Why call ye me Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?" In this, I was led into the point of the possibility of getting all Christ's commands done acceptably; in the which I had a peculiar satisfaction; observing the usefulness thereof in point of practice to be very great, and reaching a clearer insight into it than I had ever had before.
June 16.—On the Thursday, that should have been our fast-day before the sacrament, was the most terrible inbreaking of our brook known in the memory of any alive. It laid much of the glebe under water, and seems to have ruined it; it came down by the end of the house also, and ran into the church-yard. The Sabbath also was a bad day. On the first of March there was an earthquake, but we felt it not in our house. This conduct of Providence was wonderfull in my eyes.
June 25.—I have for some time had much ado to keep up confidence in my wife's case, times wherein I looked for peace, no good coming. Last Saturday, being convinced of the necessity of living by faith in it, and of divine aid to recover and maintain my confidence, I was helped by a letter from my friend. But still matters held at an extremity. On Sabbath after, sitting by her bedside, I saw the wonderful wisdom of Providence in the dispensation, darting its my s all around as it were to every point of the compass, and carrying on many different ends; and some of them contrary as east and west point, e. g., humbling and lifting up; some things also having a far look back.
July 4.—Friday being to go to Maxton to the sacrament, before I rose in the morning, I found myself so feeble, that I knew not how to get thither. But the Lord gave me strength, I think, for this purpose; which held out by the way thither, all along while there, and to my return home, better perhaps than for several years before on that occasion. And I cheerfully bestowed it for the end it was given me. That morning are I went away, I was surprised, in our familyordinary, with the history of Æneas, that had kept his bed eight years; Acts 9 the present distressed case of my wife being now eight years complete in May last; and on Saturday morning with the return of Job's captivity, in their ordinary at Maxton; Job 42. These things strengthened hope. On Saturday's night I lost my rest; but was really easy about it, finding the Lord just gives me strength for his work, as he sees meet; and indeed I did not miss that lost rest. The Lord was with me in my work; but the fear of man was a snare to mc a little in preaching on Sabbath night, more in prayer, and worst of all at the presbytery dinner on Tuesday, letting a scripture-phrase unduly used by a brother pass without witnessing against it. This ruined my peace and comfort, to this day not fully recovered.
July 15.—A roll of about sixty persons being prayed for at the communion in Maxton, my brethren and I trysted to meet at the throne of grace on their account, and my wife's among the rest, every Wednesday betwixt seven and eight in the morning, each at his own
home, till the week of the communion here. And being this day at that exercise, I was refreshed with that meeting me in my ordinary; Zech. 8:19, "Thus saith the Lord of hosts, The fast of the fourth month, and the fast of the fifth, and the fast of the seventh, and the fast of the tenth, shall be to the house of Judah joy and gladness, and cheerful feasts."
Aug 5.—Being now in a near view of the sacrament, my trials are many; Mr. Davidson's frailty continued; the life of my wife seeming to hang more in doubt than for some time before; and withal Satan has given a broadside in the parish. A couple of fornicators appear before the congregation next Lord's day, being the Sabbath immediately before the sacrament. Perceiving the awful design of Providence to humble me and the congregation thereby, I durst not shift their appearance till after; but put my neck under that yoke, precisely on the view I had of Providence's calling to take on that badge of our shame. I desire still to hope, to be doing, and to submit. If I am never more on earth to get up my back, this I aim at, with an eye to him for pity.
Aug. 22.—On the 18th the sacrament was celebrated here. The Lord has shewed me the necessity and usefulness of living by faith, being troubled on every side, yet not distressed. Satan hath laid at me, my God hath tried me with his own hand; but in neither case has he left me comfortless.
Since the latter end of June three fornications have broke out; the first, the man about fifty, who till that time had lived unmarried, with an unstained reputation; and a young woman of seeming singular modesty; the second, a stripling of seventeen, and a woman of thirty at least; the third, the woman a communicant, the man one of the catechumens that waited on the examination kept at the kirk for the younger sort, from January to about Whitsunday. On the other hand, of twenty examined for admission, nineteen were admitted; and I think I was never more satisfied, generally speaking, with those I so examined. All of them came to me orderly before the communion-
week, except two, whereof one upon the fast-day, who was therefore examined before the session, resolving to examine no more privately in the communion-week.
The fast was kept on Wednesday; and I neither had nor sought help; but was helped every way, bodily strength bearing out quite beyond expectation. Seeing how Satan set himself to ruin the Lord's work in my hand, I judged it necessary to struggle the more resolutely; and upon that view, after sermons that day, called iu the new communicants or competentees all together, and before the session put them explicitly to consent to the covenant, whereof they desired the seal, proposing to them the questions contained in the tenth paragraph of the paper of admission to the Lord's table above mentioned, (See Appendix), to which they consented by bowing their heads, as was expressly agreed upon. I used to take them engaged privately before, but was much satisfied with this. And this method I have since observed. But after this hopeful beginning, that very night awaking uneasy, I found my wife was at an extremity; and I rose, and went to her with a fit of the gravel on me; which increasing, I was presently obliged to leave her, and put on my clothes, and took my horse betwixt one and two o'clock in the morning. I took several turns on horseback in great pain; but the riding prevailed not to carry it off. So I behoved to take my bed again, and wrestle under it till it went off.
By this means I was in no case on the morrow to pursue my study of the action-sermon begun on Tuesday, having dispatched the fastday's on the Monday. But on the Friday, though of a long time I have been unfit for study in the afternoons, I was enabled to pursue that study in the afternoon as well as the forenoon, and finish it.
On Friday's night, missing my ordinary bed-time, I lost my sleep; but I rose in the morning, mandated my notes, and was by that means so far set forward.
Saturday's night being set down to family-worship, and the Bible opened, I was suddenly struck with indisposition; and being in hazard of fainting, left it and retired to my closet. In these trials I was helped to trust in the Lord; and at this nick of time particularly, was very peremptory that I would trust him come what would. The indisposition went off. I got to the worship, and thereafter went timely to bed, being in no case to apply to business; and my circumstances could bear it.
Having slept well, I rose about five o'clock on Sabbath morning. But a great coldness in my feet and legs seized me, and hung about me that morning, threatening a fit of the gravel. I sat as I had access with my legs over the fire, which I think was useful. But going out to the public work before ten, I neither felt nor minded it more; and found myself very well, when, about three o'clock, I came into the house after the first table. I divided my sermon in two, but had forgot to take any thing in my pocket for refreshment; but was carried through without it.
Having refreshed myself a while, I went out and communicated, and thereafter served another table with sufficient case and vigour. While I was in the house, I endeavoured to comfort my wife, the Lord's prisoner, and was comforted by her in the Lord's goodness to her at this time; and at the communion-table I was helped to believe, that we should both stand on the shore yet, and sing, notwithstanding our swelling seas.
Mr. Wilson having in public put up a petition to the Lord, for the MS. with much discretion; when I came to my closet for bed, I opened and read two letters; the one from Professor Hamilton, wherein he says he hesitates to advise the publication; the other from Mr. Wardrobe, shewing Mr. Flint's taking the second part yet to glance over, and mentioning Mr. Du Pont's speaking of sending it to Geneva; and of him I had known nothing before. This some way balanced the discouragement of the former.
On Saturday we had wind and rain, beginning and ending almost with the work; on Monday, rain in the time of the work, and after; but the Lord's day was fair and easy; only whereas the place of the tent had been changed for the wind, from the east to the west side for the Lord's day, I found, when I was begun, a wind began to blow directly in my face, and once or twice I found it blow into my mouth; but it was quickly laid.
I had never so much satisfaction in the household provision; for, it being as I thought quite too much, it was eaten up in serving the necessities of the Lord's people come from afar; so that one of my brethren and I had but fragments to dine upon. The elements also were near run to an end, though in part a greater provision than over. What occasioned this pleasure in the consumpt was, that the sacrament being at Wilton and Peebles the same day, and the harvest in the low country begun, the provision appeared providential, made by the hand of him who knew there would be need for it, that we did not think.
The house was throng; but my wife bore up well, till on the Monday she was defeat; yet in measure. One of the servants being laid by of a cholic a while, another came in her room. Some from Edinburgh, losing their way, lodged in the fields on Friday's night; whereof one, at parting, gratefully acknowledged the goodness of God to her soul in bringing her to the place, notwithstanding the difficulties met with. The horse of one from Fife ran away from our house on that night, as if he had been driven. There was no stopping him till he had gone six or seven miles; which occasioned disturbance to the owner, and to our family; however, he was got back. One of our servants having proved most uncomfortable, on Monday we were secured of another.
Thus all along I was cast down with the one hand, and raised up with the other. All things considered, the spite and rage of hell appeared never more clearly engaged against me in my work.
Upon the uncomfortableness of that servant above mentioned, and other occurrences, the world has, this season, appeared to me a most loathsome world, seeing the best as a briar, and sharper than a thorn-hedge. Considering how little we are able to endure one another, I have been made to wonder, how the Lord endures any of us, being all of us so loathsome. I have thought, that as much of the gratefulness of objects seen and heard by us, arises from this, that our eye-sight and hearing are not more acute or sharp; even so, much of the comfort of society we have in the world, arises from our not being more fully acquainted. We have had several instances of persons freely taken in to our family, to lodge with us freely, some for shorter, some for longer time; but have met with a continued train of ingratitude, one of them after another. There remained only one exception in that case; and now that is gone with the rest. We have no satisfaction in these things now, but in reflecting on the principle which put us on these acts of kindness, and the service they did to the parties in the time. This has been a piece of trial, which, for most of the time I have had a family, sovereign pleasure has carved out for us.
Sept. 11.—I returned, on the 7th instant, to my work on the covenant of grace, interrupted by the sacramental work in the parish. That month I understood, that a letter from my friend Mr. Wilson, to Jerviswood at London, in favour of the essay on the accentuation, which had been sent in the spring unto him, together with the index of that essay, had come to his hand; and that he designed to do something in it. But unto this day there is nothing done effectually in it by him, so far as I know.
Sept. 23.—Having preached the action-sermon this year on John 13:8, "If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me,"* and been led, in my subsequent sermons thereon, to shew how Christ washeth sinners, I have been much convinced, that the work of sanctification is a great mystery. Yesterday, the Lord's day, being under some uneasiness, that the doctrine would not be understood, I was made
to cry for the Lord's help to make known the mystery; and I hope not without success.
Dec. 23.—On the 15th I ended my sermons on John 13:8, "Peter saith unto him, Thou shalt never wash my feet. Jesus answered him, If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me." In the progress whereof, as I was unexpectedly led into the consideration of the way of Christ's cleansing sinners, or washing them; so I was in that point favoured with an unordinary assistance from the Father of lights, to my own conviction. And though no doubt my deceitful heart could not receive it, without making some undue motions; yet I know I was all along ashamed of my practical unacquaintedness with the mystery; and saw the discovery was quite beyond my gift with an ordinary assistance. I was helped by Owen on the Spirit, and what I had writ last winter on the catechism, in the question of sanctification. That book of Owen's was laid to my hand, for an use I knew not till I had it. But last week, being to enter on a new subject, and sitting down to my studies on Friday, the Lord withdrew, and I stuck. The bands were kept on me Friday and Saturday forenoon; and being satisfied to have recourse to old sermons, particularly those on Joel 3:21, "I will cleanse the blood that I have not cleansed," &c. and having prayed in order to mandate what I was to say therefrom, it came into my mind to look to the text in the original; which done, I found the cleansing there to be legal, that is, avenging the blood; and so that I had mistaken that text when I studied these sermons on it upwards of twenty years ago. So, not daring to give that for the meaning of the Lord's word which I did not believe to be the meaning of it, I was forced to quit it. And my bands were kept on to the end. So I behoved at length to make a shift, and deliver something for sermon on Ezek. 36:25, "Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you," &c. and was not quite deserted in the pulpit. My God, I take it kindly at thy hand! I acknowledge my holding is of thee; and that I am nothing, and without thee can do nothing!
On the 29th, being the Sabbath after that foresaid, I entered on the subject of this world lying in wickedness; the which, from 1 John
5:19,—"The whole world lieth in wickedness," and 2 Cor. 6:17. "Wherefore come out from among them," I insisted on till the summer following.
Jan. 1, 1729.—Awaking in the morning, my heart was filled with thankfulness, for that I had seen the year 1729; and I perceived an honour the Lord puts upon me, in prolonging life. It was a good morning to me; and from that time I was in a particular concern to know more of the other world; of the which, I was convinced, I had very little distinct knowledge. I look for it in the scripture only. It is an awful thought, the case of the soul on its separation. The carrying of it by angels into Abraham's bosom, is clear; but ——. By this means I have seen my body to be something belonging to my soul; and that my soul in effect is I; that therefore I, as it were, shall not die, but only drop this body to be dissolved, I escaping.
A little before that, I had received a letter in Latin, from Professor Hamilton, bearing, that he found nothing in the essay on the accentuation contray to the doctrine of the reformed churches; and I that it was not unworthy of the notice of the learned, in case of publication. These two things I had expressly desired of him, if he could have freedom to testify the same; and according to my desire, he gave me the letter aforesaid. And now, towards the end of January, having been endeavouring, as it has often been my exercise, to compose myself to acquiesce in that essay its not seeing the light during the time of my life, by reason of my friendless circumstances in an ill-natured world, I received a letter from a friend at Edinburgh, giving a comfortable account of a very honourable testimony given to it, in conversation, by Mr. John Flint aforesaid. This filled me with thankfulness; but withal I was left to rejoice in this alone, which I found to be of good use. I prayed for a way of grave, calm, and serious delivery of the word to the people, which of late hath been much set by, with me, or valued; and I got it by divine favour.
Toward the end of February, I found myself so extremely weakened, that I could not see how I could be much longer able for my public work, without an assistant. But being immediately after closely engaged, in necessary work, above my ordinary, for the service of my God [drawing the presbytery's instructions to their commissioners about Mr. Simpson's affair]; as also before that in a congregational fast, at which I continued long; and withal lost my rest the night following; I was, from the beginning thereof, and for some time after, in better case than for a good time before: being thus taught still to be doing, without asking questions, or with the strength I have, till the Master shall say, Stop. Let the Lord do with me what seems him good.
This spring-season, especially in and about the month of April, was a time singularly heavy. Flocks were desolated, by an extraordinary drift, on the 24th day of March; there were scarcity of fodder, dearth of victual, general sickness, and frequent deaths; all come in upon the back of an impoverished state of the country. It made me often to reflect on what might be the design of Providence in leading to the text on the fast day, Feb. 26, aforementioned, Ezek. 12:23, "Say unto them, the days are at hand, and the effect of every vision." That drifty day stopt a burial appointed to have been upon it, at Kirkhop; so that the corpse behoved to be kept another day. For about three weeks, as my study-day came about, I found myself unfitted for it, through bodily indisposition. All my children, except one, had some touch of illness; and the fever falling to my wife in the spring, came on in the first of that month of April, and continued long. On Tuesday's night, April 8, being abed, an express came, that Isabel Biggar, a worthy person, seemed to be just a-dying; whereupon I arose, and betook myself to prayer for her, that I might not have sorrow upon sorrow; and was comforted in her case with Psalm 41:1–4. So I laid myself to rest again, and in the morning was refreshed with the account of her being better, which I took as a sign for good in my wife's case. I have seen of late much of my being a sign to this people, having drunk first of the bitter cup. At that time there was a weighty conjuncture, seeming to point towards the dissolution of my family. My own body
was in a weak condition; the Lord had distressed my family, and blown on my worldly substance; withal the eastern gable of the manse, which was built for me from the foundation twenty-one years before, was in hazard of falling; and my glebe lay desolate, without a furrow drawn or to be drawn in it, through the ruins brought upon it by the inbreaking of the brook aforementioned. This conjuncture occasioned thoughts of heart to me. But for some years past I have observed, and to this day do observe, it to be a time, wherein the Lord's hand is in a special manner stretched out against his own, in their personal and domestic concerns, their bodies, relations, or substance, or all of them together, thereby filling up the want of the trials, which his people formerly had, by persecution, from the hands of men; and this while I looked at home within the parish, and abroad through the land, so far as my acquaintance goes. So that it is evident, that whatever be the issue of these things, judgment is begun at the house of God.
Meanwhile the affair of the unhappy Professor Simson above mentioned, touching his subverting the fundamental doctrines of the necessary existence, independency, and supreme Deity of the Son of God, &c. which had been before several preceding general assemblies, was to be determined by the then ensuing general assembly; and I was chosen to be a member thereof, as I had been in the years 1726 and 1727, which I could not attend, in respect of my domestic circumstances, which now are as bad, if not worse. In this pinching strait, betwixt the public and my private case, I resolved to move as the Lord should be pleased to point out my way.
April 15.—My wife's case continues at an extremity. Yesterday, she having hardly as much life as to speak, I was called to Easter Buccleugh to a sick man. With difficulty I got away; and the Lord was with me there. Coming home, just at the end of the manse, I met an express calling me to Etterick house. So having just alighted, and seen her, I went thither; and found the man agonizing, and he died a little after I came away. This conduct of Providence appeared kind, though trying. On the Sabbath, I think, with difficulty she got told
me, that in her experience, none of the good things the Lord had spoken had failed; yesterday, that she was resolved never to part with Christ; at night, that she was like a bird on the side of a wall, griping with its claws. I have pleaded again, with submission, for a breathing before our sun go down.
Toward the end of that month of April, I received a long letter in Latin, from Mr. Peter Du Pont, minister of the French Church at Edinburgh, impugning the essay on the accentuation; which had been put into his hands by advice of Mr. John Flint aforesaid, who declared him the said Mr. Du Pont to be the person in that place most capable to judge in the matter. Thereto I quickly made a return in Latin also. Thus was I exercised, with cold entertainment met with in that matter, at the hands of all the men of note into which the essay fell; Professor Gordon only excepted. But it could make little impression on me to the disadvantage of the thing itself; finding, that none of them but he had studied the subject, nor believed the divine authority of the accentuation.
May 31.—My wife's fever being carried off, I got into the assembly, on Tuesday May 6, being the second week of their meeting; however, I had much difficulty in it, both with respect to her case and my own. By the way I found Providence dealt favourably with me, in respect of my low circumstances, those with whom I lodged the Monday's night having, unknown to me, provided for my coming. I came just to the beginning of Mr. Simson's weighty affair; which extraordinary case could only have carried me thither in my circumstances. I waited on the assembly punctually, and on the private meeting of those against Simson at the Spread Eagle. Though the major part of the assembly were clear for deposing him, I found it necessary to propose one night to that meeting, what we should do in case it were carried against us! But they seemed not inclined to consult about that. They seemed to me to be inclined to oppose the committing of that affair to a committee, as what might tend to break us. But at length that was the issue in the assembly, to refer it to a committee to bring in an overture about it. This I opposed in the assembly; but was seconded
by none but Colonel Erskine. The affair was in agitation whole eight days, managed with as great gravity as ever I was witness to in an assembly. The night before it was determined, being at the private meeting aforesaid, and observing how they were disposed, I stole away with a sorrowful heart, and left them. I went to my chamber, and there alone considered what course I was to take; and on the morning drew up a paper in short hand, to be used or not, as the case should appear to me to require. That morning I had an appointment with Professor Gordon at the Spread Eagle, at eight o'clock; and coming hither at that time, I was conveyed into that very room where the meeting aforesaid was always kept. While I waited there alone I put the writing foresaid, being a dissent, in mundo, in long hand. And no body at all coming near me, by the time I was done it was time for me to go to the assembly; and so I went off. Favourable and kind was that Providence, that Mr. Gordon kept not the appointment; as it was remarkable, that I behoved to come to that room for writing that dissent, where also I was left alone. In the assembly, the committee's overture was produced; the putting it to a vote was carefully guarded against, and the affair was brought to a push, by the proposing to the assembly an acquiescing; and though several had declared they were for deposition, yet all seemed, for peace's sake, to acquiesce. Finding I durst not acquiesce, I arose, and said, "I dissent in my own name, and in the name of all that shall adhere to me;" and finding no body at all to declare their adherence, I added, "and for myself alone, if no body shall adhere." Whereupon I was gravely accosted by the moderator to bring me off from it, and when he had done speaking, I not being satisfied, had the paper ready; and with an audible voice formally made my dissent, by reading it before them. The tenor thereof follows:—
"I dissent, as judging it, inasmuch as it doth not bear a deposition of Mr. Simson from the office of the ministry, of teaching and preaching the gospel of the blessed God, to be no just testimony of this church's indignation against the dishonour done by the said Mr. Simson to our glorious Redeemer, the great God and our Saviour, and what hath been found both relevant and proved against him by the two
immediately preceding general assemblies; and judging the same also not to be agreeable to the rule of God's word in such cases, nor to the form of process established in this church; to be saddening to the hearts of the generality of the ministers and godly through the land, and not sufficient to dash the hopes of the proud contemners of revealed religion, and the awful and incomprehensible mysteries of the same, both at home and abroad; nor a fit means to bring the said Mr. Simson himself to repentance, whereof as yet he hath given no evidence. All which shall be fully manifested to the world, if need be."
Hereupon the moderator spoke to me very pathetically; and I stood, hearing all, gravely, without answering, until he said, "Will you tear out the bowels of your mother?" Whereunto I, being sensibly touched, replied, That if I had the conviction of that's being the tendency thereof, I would rather take it, (the paper I read), and tear it in a thousand pieces. I had also before expressed my continued charity to those of my acquaintance who were for the overture. Then the marking of the dissent was proposed, and I was urged not to insist in that. I said it might be marked, and that I might afterward consider thereof, and there was still room to take it up. This was by good providence over-ruled. At length, by Professor Hamilton's means, I obtained, that the not insisting on the marking of it for that time, should not preclude my access thereto in a subsequent diet This was granted, and the matter ended for that time. At that time Mr. Gabriel Wilson, though not a member, craved, and obtained leave to speak, and delivered himself briefly, as follows:—
"Moderator, In regard I am persuaded this sentence does not duly serve to glorify God our Saviour, nor to preserve this church upon him as the foundation; and in regard it is nowise agreeable to the mind of the Church of Scotland, made known to this assembly; and that it will, I am afraid, (or I am confident), hasten bringing wrath upon this church,—I therefore declare my testimony against it."
Culfargie also spoke something, shewing his dissatisfaction with the assembly's decision; but neither was he a member. As soon as I
could, I got to my chamber, to consider of my own difficult situation; and in a little time after was sent for to meet with so me ministers. When I came, I found Mr. Hog, and the two Erskines, and, I suppose, some other. They began to speak of their adhering to my dissent. I thought this too precipitant, judging they should first of all have considered what was expedient for me to do in my present situation; and that the proper way for them, not being members, was, in case of my insisting, to declare their adherence after, by a writing under their hand, to be tacked to it in case of publication. So I was going away, that I might consider alone what was proper for me; but was kept; and several other ministers of the party against Mr. Simson came in, with Mr. Charles Erskine, and the Colonel. They began to direct their discourse to me, and some of them spoke with a keenness very uneasy to me. So I was obliged to tell them, that the meeting was not called by me, but I was sent for to it, and came, judging the design thereof to be a friendly consultation of what was to be done by me in my present circumstances; that what I had done, I had not done rashly; and that I was content to overhear what they should discourse among themselves on that point, and afterwards should consider of it, and regulate my conduct as I should find freedom. And then I went off to a side in the room, that they might not direct their discourse to me. So they spoke upon it, and shewed they were against my insisting.
Having come to my chamber, I considered my case alone, and on the morrow morning drew up my resolution on another paper, which I determined to read to the assembly. And having caused one intimate to the moderator aforehand the nature of my resolution, that they might take no alarm at my offering to speak again, I did that day, after reading of the minutes, the house being full, crave leave to be heard, with reference to the advice given me yesterday from the chair. Which being granted, I did with an audible voice, say, reading as follows:—
"Moderator, I have, according to your desire, considered again my dissenting from the sentence and decision of this Venerable
Assembly in the affair of Mr. Simson; and it was out of no design to break in upon the peace of this church, but for the necessary exoneration of my own conscience, that I did formally declare my dissent in that matter; so I can see no ground to retract it, and therefore am far from retracting the same. Yet, forasmuch as the marking of it in your records, which is the only thing that now remains in that matter, is judged by my Very Reverend Fathers and Brethren of this assembly, to be of dangerous consequence to the peace of this church, which I think myself obliged in conscience to be very tender of, I do not insist for the marking of it in your records; but having the dissent, as I declared it, by me in writ, from which I read it before this Venerable Assembly; and having also in writing what I have now delivered, I am resolved, through grace, to make such use of the same afterward, as pressing necessity, in any undesirable event, may be judged to require."
Which said, I immediately sat down; and the assembly seemed to be well satisfied.
The conduct of Providence in this matter is wonderful in my eyes I have seen so much of God in it, in guiding a poor fool, who in lesser matters uses, by being hurried and straitened as to time, to be put in confusion; and so much beyond what could be the produce of my talents; that I am, in my own eyes, a deep debtor to free grace for it; and am humbled to the dust, admiring sovereign condescension, doing things by me, because he will do them; and putting that honour on me, who for several years have looked on myself as a withered branch cast over the hedge, in respect of public management; and yet he hath made the withered branch to bud again. Upon reflection, I have full satisfaction as to the management of this matter, and find that word verified; Prov. 4:12, "When thou runnest, thou shalt not stumble." Though it was an invidious appearance, in which I was left alone; yet being made out of conscience towards God, it was so ordered by providence, that it visibly tended to my reputation, both with the one party and the other; whereof several expressions were made me. And the party
against Mr. Simson saw the usefulness of it, considering it as a warning of what they are to expect who afterwards may appear for him. I was convinced, that the appearance in the matter of the act against the "Marrow," had an influence in this case, on worthy brethren, with respect to me; but, on the other hand, I see as plainly, that God hereby put an honour on that appearance. As I was the alone man of the twelve engaged in that affair, that was a member of this assembly; so I was left alone in this; yet in the end of it, the second day, others found themselves obliged publicly to declare to the assembly their going the same way with me; and so, upon the matter, to adhere.* What shall I say? The Lord hath both spoken it, and done it; I desire to go softly all my years.
This invidious appearance, which seemed to have an ill aspect on the affair of the essay on the accentuation, had a quite contrary effect; so that, before I came from Edinburgh, the printing of it there, and publishing proposals for that effect, were moved to me, by Mr. James Davidson, bookseller, and Robert Fleming, printer.
Another case was before the assembly, wherein Professor Gorden was deeply engaged; but I behoved to vote against his part of the question. I feared the effect of this also with respect to that book; but he afterward shewed more readiness to do for me in that matter, than he had done for a considerable time before. And favourable was that Providence that withheld him from keeping the tryst with me above mentioned.
I met with Mr. Du Pont, who was kind and respectful exceedingly, having before received my return to his letter. I applied to Mr. John Flint, for such a testimony to the essay as Professor Hamilton had given; and received from him a letter in Latin, dated May 14, 1729, bearing, that, under correction of the learned in the Eastern tongues, he judged the essay should be printed; and that he found nothing therein contrary to the fundamental doctrines of the Reformed religion. The innuendo in the word "fundamental," was in resentment of what was called the doctrine of the "Marrow;" with
relation to which, I found some of the first jurors more equitable and easy, than some of the second; as in the case of Professor Hamilton's testimony, compared with this. I went thereafter to Mr. Flint's house, to have represented to him my observe of the word foresaid; but he was not within; so I saw him not. And some time after, that learned and worthy man departed this life.
Saturday the 17th, being the first free day to me, I had a conversation with Professor Hamilton; who ingenuously declared to me his satisfaction with what we called the deed of gift, and his conviction that the gospel could not be preached without it; and this of his own accord. The same day the making and publishing of proposals for printing the essay on the accentuation, was moved to me What determined me to hearken to that motion was, that, after the business of the dissent, a gentleman unknown to me, or I to him, bid an acquaintance of mine tell me, that if I had any thing to publish, he might have notice, and would be an undertaker. Which being so timed, served much to encourage me in that matter.
Finding Professor Gordon slow in performing his promise, viz. of writing in favour of that essay, either by way of preface or simple testimony to it, or epistle to me; I had, in consideration of my own frailty, desired of him, that he would in the meantime give me a testimony to it, in as few lines as he pleased; engaging myself to return the same unto him, when he should have at his leisure written as aforesaid; but to my great mortification, I could not obtain that of him. However, at this time, meeting with him, I desired him now to set himself to perform his promise; the which also he was pleased to shew himself ready to do, seeming inclined to write a preface; the which I was most earnest for. And for that cause, at his desire, he got the MS. along with him to Aberdeen, to be returned in the following November; he got also the essay on the text of Genesis along with him at the same time.
I came home from Edinburgh on Wednesday, May 21; and found my family, by the mercy of God, no worse than when I left them. I found
a cough, and a pain in my back, which had fallen to me in the spring, both of them worse; and I was under great indisposition for about ten days after. By that pain in my back, it was with great difficulty that I could change my sitting posture into an erect one. It had been carried to that height, by means of the extreme long seats we had got at the assembly in Professor Simson's affair. This was a now weight hung at me, under the aforementioned kind appearances of Providence for me. I remember I had something of that nature, after I came home from Edinburgh at the ending of the affair of Closeburn. But having, as soon as I could, applied myself to business, I ended the work on the covenant of grace, consisting of 485 pages in 4to, upon the 14th day of June. Going to prayer I gave thanks, as I was able, for life and strength allowed me for it; offered it to God through Jesus Christ; begged it might be accepted of him, brought forth, and employed for the service of my God; preserved and blessed while I live, and when I am dead and gone; withal wondering at the divine condescension, in calling me to preach the gospel, and write.
This summer the easter gable of the manse aforesaid was taken down so far as was judged necessary, and rebuilt. And by this means the course of administering the sacrament in the parish was interrupted this year; the people being withal straitened for victual to maintain their families, that I could not find in my heart to burden them with the strangers resorting to them on such occasions in great numbers. When it was considered in the session, before the summer came on, it was declared, that it would be hard to get as much hay or straw in the parish as to make beds for strangers; which touched me to the heart, on their account.
Having, on June 15, ended my sermons on this world lying in wickedness, I was inclined to proceed to treat of the other world; but finding the people crushed in their substance, I was desirous also to handle something with relation to such circumstances. And, by the good hand of God, I was led to Mark 10:30, "He shall receive an hundred fold now in this time, houses, &c.—and in the world to come eternal life." This answering both my intentions, I entered upon June
22, and for three or four Sabbaths insisted on the first part of the text, with a view to their worldly losses.
July 29.—Last week I was at the sacrament in Galashiels. Mr. Davidson was loaded with bodily indisposition, having that work on his hand. The trial was carried to a height, by rain falling, while he, sore broken, preached the action-sermon. But from the time the action began, it cleared, and continued a good day; and he was furnished both with bodily strength and otherwise. I clearly perceived, that God put an honour upon him by that trial! O that I could perceive at that rate in my own case! On the Monday before, I reached the explication of my text. On the Tuesday I stuck, and could do nothing. But on the Wednesday and Thursday I got forward, and had laid to my hand so much more than I designed, that I cried to the Lord for strength to deliver it, since he had given it; and accordingly I got it abundantly. At the table I saw, that as soon as I should drop the tabernacle of my body, I would be fully satisfied as to the conduct of Providence in the matter of my long trial in my wife's case.
While at Galashiels, I received from Edinburgh a printed specimen of the essay on the accentuation; which I found not well done as to the Hebrew. However, looking on that essay as thus beginning to move into the world, though afterward it stopt; my courage began to fail; wherefore I was fain to betake myself to the way of trusting in the Lord, for support, under the view of its appearing in the world. But the iron gate in its way was not as yet to be opened.
About the same time I entered on the subject of the other world, upon which I insisted for more than a year, from several texts.
After ending the work on the covenant of grace, I filled up more of the passages of my life. Turning my thoughts to what I should fix on next, and only two things of that kind now lying before me, viz. the notes on personal and family fasting, and proceeding in the essay on the Hebrew text, I gave myself to prayer on that head, on Monday morning, Aug. 4, remembering how I smarted for my rash
advenventure on the explication of a part of the catechism; but I was not cleared On the 5th, I renewed my addresses to God on that head; and was determined to the former, from a conviction of the necessity of a memorial on that subject to be presented to saints and sinners, and that I could not find myself easy to apply to the other work while that lay undone, and that some notice had been lately given me of people's desire that I would publish more of my sermons. I found the notes unsatisfying; but judged the revising of them might be of use to my own posterity, if no further use was to be made thereof. So I began it that 5th of August.
Toward the end of that month, I had two fits of the gravel; and in the beginning of September, much pain of the toothache. And about the middle of the month last mentioned, I observed, that not only my head shook; but my legs and whole body began to shake also. But death by that time was become somewhat familiar to me. However, at the writing hereof, near about a year after, all that shaking is very moderate.
Sept. 8. Often has it been my lot, but never more perhaps than yesterday, being the Lord's day, to cover the altar with tears, going to my work with a bowed down back; being like to sink in the pulpit, through heaviness occasioned by one of my domestics. Wounded by that hand some days before, on Saturday's night there was an addition that carried it munch deeper. The pain of the toothache, whereof for some time I have had a touch every night, trysting with that vexation, I lost my rest that night. I see the folly of it now, and that I must be resigned, laying all down at the Lord's feet; that I must let one gripe go after another, and gripe unto God as my God for all. I have often thought of that holy Providence which made Heman, who was a man of great affliction, a singer in the temple-service; and have observed how the Lord hath made up to me the want of public persecution, by domestic trials.
Being minded to have gone to Leadhills, Aug. 19, with Mr. Wilson, to wait on Mr. Wightman, for concerting measures about the publishing
of the essay on the accentuation, I inclined to have, for my health and refreshment, taken a tour through the country for about ten days; but this last I could not obtain with good-will, which proved a great temptation to me. The journey was providentially balked for altogether, though Mr. Wilson came hither. Meanwhile, that week, I was seized with two fits of the gravel; I returned on the Wednesday from convoying Mr. Wilson homeward again with a severe one of them upon me; took another of them on Saturday's night. The hand of the Lord was eminent in both; the one being owing to drink, the other to meat, unfit for my stomach. Thus both my wife and and I were reproved; I for my yielding to the temptation, and she having me at home with little comfort.
Last week, beginning to drive heavily in the work now on my hand, I again and again took my notes, laid them before the Lord, and prayed over them. And it was not in vain.
Sept. 15.—I have lately had a notable help in three things in my case, from three scriptures. One was Jer. 50:7, rightly read according to the pointing;* whence I observed, that it is one of God's methods for his people's correction, that there shall be no convincing of those who wrong them, so as to own a fault. The other was a certain passage in Job 13 and the last in Job 19. By the two last I had a great deal of ease last week; and to this day, Nov. 29, I find a thorn taken out of my foot by them, which has often been very uneasy.
For two nights past, the toothache has ceased; but the shaking of the head, legs, and, I think, my whole body, makes me somewhat apprehensive of a sudden downfalling in the palsy, which may either carry me off quickly, or make me a heavy time bed-fast. But I desire still to be doing till my God shall bid me cease; leaving these and all other events in his hand, whose are all my ways.
Oct. 1—Wednesday. On Sabbath last was the sacrament at Maxton. From the time I heard of it, I had desired of the Lord a message for it; but remained unfixed until the time of setting to. I was under
great heaviness, through various burdens lying upon me; so that I lost the night's rest, Friday and Saturday was eight days. Whence I was, on the Lord's day, but in ill case for my work; but was honourably carried through. On the Monday therefore I laid aside thoughts of study; only I fixed on my text, Rom. 6:6, "Knowing that our old man is crucified with him," &c.; being, as usual now for some years, led thereto for my own case. On the Tuesday I began to study, but presently stuck; cut out what I had written, and began a second time; but stuck again; it would not do. That was to me a most weary day, being deeply plunged, my burdens lying heavy on me, and God deserting me. So being exhausted, I had thoughts of using old notes. Awaking on the morrow, I found my strength gone. When I was ready, I just sat down, for clearing my conscience to use old notes, to make a third essay; and so cut out again, and began a third time, putting pen to paper with almost no hope at all of proceeding, or being able to reach it. But it pleased the Lord to loose my bands in some measure; so I went on; and was enabled also to do something at night, which now is not usual with me. That night sleep fled from me again. But necessity urging, I fell to my studies again on the morrow; but stuck again, and could not command, what the night before had occurred for explaining our old man's being crucified with Christ. It pleased the Lord to loose me again in some measure, so that I had done all before dinner. And the Lord having thus pitied, I grew easy under my burdens. At Maxton the Lord was very gracious to me. I slept well the two first nights. I cried to him that he would help me clearly and distinctly to utter the mystery, so as I myself might apprehend it, and the hearers also; for I saw myself in hazard of confusion in it. He graciously heard me, and to my own feeling gave me that request. After serving three tables on the Sabbath, I went away and refreshed myself; returned, and served another. But at the close of the communion-work, I found myself quite exhausted; no strength left, being to preach the afternoon-sermon. I was convinced it was neither meat nor drink that would strengthen me; so I went in to the barn at the end of the town, a few minutes, and there I desired of the Lord strength for his own work; and trusting in him for it, I got it in an uncommon measure, together with the
clearness and distinctness above mentioned. It lasted with me that night after the work. But in bed I awaked out of sleep, pained with a fit of colic or gravel, and so spent much of the night drinking warm water and vomiting; but it was indeed gentler than such fits used to be at home.
That moment wherein I shall have dropt this tabernacle, has of a considerable time been much in my view, as that wherein the soul shall find either sin left in it without remedy, or totally abolished; therefore, at the table, I endeavoured, among other things, to get faith strengthened with respect to that moment, by the seal of the covenant.
While there, I had a comfortable account of the acceptance and usefulness of the "Fourfold State," in remote places, particularly in the highlands; which filled me with thankfulness. Also I found, that others of the Lord's ministers and people have sore trials as well as I; and several of them with sorer trials. I would therefore, if I could, sit down more quietly under mine.
I see God puts a great honour on me, and therefore razeth me off mine own bottom, and empties me, that I see, that what he does good with to others, by me, is not mine, but his own; and he will have me to acknowledge it, and on the bended knees of my soul!
When, upon my return from Maxton, I began to apply myself to my present business, what lay before me was the direction concerning personal covenanting. This particularly I entered on, and proceeded in, with much fear and trembling. Wherefore I did oft and again take my notes, and spread them before the Lord, and pray over them, for light into that matter; and it was not in vain.
About this time, having begun to suspect the business of the publishing of the essay on the accentuation was like to be at a stand, the printer who first moved it to me seeming to have lost his disposition for it; I was confirmed therein by a letter of October 15,
and thereafter by my son, who had seen him. What has moved him I cannot yet learn. But I was very easy on that event, laying it at the Lord's feet, trusting on him, that he who brought it to me, will see to it in his own time. And upon this state of that affair, a second tryst with Mr. Wightman was given up by me.
Meanwhile, being in Buccleugh, October 29, at a diet of catechising, Mr. J. G. on his journey to London, came to me, and staying all night with me there, made very kind proposals of good offices in London, with respect to that and other performances of mine. This was the more comfortable to me, and bore the more of the signature of divine conduct in my eyes, that it fell out quite unexpectedly at such a nick of time; and that the Lord had made him the means of bringing that essay first of all out of its obscurity, by his bringing mo acquainted with Mr. Gordon.
On Tuesday, November 11, I finished the memorial concerning personal and family fasting, begun August 5, and consisting of 149 pages; and laid it before the Lord for acceptance through Jesus Christ, and a blessing thereupon. Having had a severe cold these two days, and been in a sweat Tuesday's night, I was in doubt whether to keep the appointed diet of catechising at Calcrabank on the Wednesday, or not; but I was determined to go, through one's coming to me that morning from the parish of Yarrow, with a line, to get his child baptized there. So I went off, and my cold was no worse. But being come home again that night, I was seized with a severe fit of the gravel; in which vomiting up at length some blackish matter, I was deeply impressed with a view of the loathsomeness of this body, bearing the image of the earthly first Adam, and what it must come to by means of death, till it be reduced to dust again; out of which it is to be reformed after the image of the heavenly man, the second Adam, far removed for ever from that corrupt constitution. The day had been very bad; and this season I have not hitherto had one good day on that occasion; but I have had a sort of pleasure and satisfaction in enduring these little hardships, for my Master and his work's sake.
After I had finished the memorial aforesaid, considering that I had now no more of that kind of work in view, I gave myself to set matters in order for my departure out of this world; and for proceeding in the essay on the Hebrew text thereafter, while life should be lengthened out. Accordingly on the 13th I transcribed a particular will concerning the Latin essay, and a parcel of my books, dated April 6, 1728, and signed it, having made some addition to the parcel of books. On the 14th, I signed an assignation of what substance I had, that had been drawn at Edinburgh by Mr. Young writer there. While I was at the assembly in May, I set that matter afoot with him; and afterwards corresponded with him, till it was done with due deliberation, and sent out; and that good man bestowed that labour, as a labour of love, refusing payment afterward when offered him. On the 15th, I prepared the errata of the second edition of the "Fourfold State," which was published about that time; and that day eight days, letters for Edinburgh and London, sending to Mr. G. then at London, a copy of the title and index of the Latin essay. And on the 16th, being the Lord's day, I finished my sermons on Mark 10:30, relating to the other world. And that very night I received a letter for the burial of Mr. Robert Lithgow, minister of Ashkirk, in whose ordination, anno. 1711, I had been actor. He was a worthy brother; and though one of the first jurors, yet now for many years kept his integrity in other things. He was a faithful, serious, and moving preacher, having a great insight into the doctrine of the gospel; a judicious, pious man, endowed with an uncommon measure of ingenuity. Every day thereafter, till Friday my study-day, I was obliged to ride, on occasion of my work in the parish On Saturday, I wrote the letters already mentioned. I was resolved also to have sent Mr. G. as he had desired, a copy of the "Everlasting Espousals," and of the mystery of Christ in the form of a servant; but calling for the former in the house, found one copy was lent away, and another could not be fallen on; which I embraced as a providential stop to the design he had in view, which was to get some person of note there to recommend them, and so to print them over again there; thus to bring me acquainted in England. And having, on the Monday, prepared my sermon for the thanksgiving on
Wednesday the 26th, I had no opportunity till this day, Nov. 25, to review matters since my return from Maxton. The Sabbath day was exceeding bad so that I could hardly be sure to get the notice of the thanksgiving through the parish timely. But the Lord heard prayer, and pitied, and gave a comfortable day and meeting on Wednesday.
Adam Linton in Brodgerhill, his wife, and son, being all together in great distress, and I being concerned for them both in public and private, I sent them word, that I would willingly visit them, if it might be accepted, they being followers of Mr. Macmillan. But word was returned me, that it could not be accepted on any intreaties. Now Adam himself is deceased. But these people will neither live nor die with us. O my soul, come not thou into their secret in the matter of church-communion! unto their assembly, mine honour, be not thou united, in point of separation!
In pursuit of my former design, I did, on November 27, prepare, and on the 28th draw up, a memorial for my wife, in case of her surviving me, concerning the assignation; and some directions relative to my dead body. And that very night the reparations of the manse, which had been begun by the masons, and carried on by the slater, were completed by the wright. The meeting together of so many various events of a different aspect about this time, made a strange conjuncture, confirming, in that I was called to make ready for my removal, and yet still to be doing till my Lord bid me stop. As for the state of my body, my teeth remained in number as before, but less useful. For much of a year, I read my chapters in the morning with preserves; but hitherto have not made ordinary use of them otherwise. However, I think I find my eyes begin to fail sensibly. Nevertheless 1 have ordinarily this season read something every night; finding myself in better case for it than some years before. Particularly I am reading over the essay on the Hebrew text, to mark the texts of the Pentateuch therein occasionally expounded, if so be that I be allowed to return to that study. And this day, December 1, completed the filling up of the passages of my life to that date. Meanwhile, though I have ended my discourse on the text of the
world to come, I am entered on another text relative to the same subject, viz. Psalm 26:9, "Gather not my soul with sinners," intended for the use of the former doctrine.
Dec. 5.—Friday. On Tuesday the 2d instant I kept a secret fast, in order to my preparation for death. The night before, apprehending I would not be able to go through that work all at once, I resolved to pursue it, though on different days. And having begged of God, that he would raise me up in the morning timely, even about six o'clock, I did accordingly rise long before day. And after my ordinary devotions, addressing myself to that work, in order to a review of my sins, I read some scriptures, two written confessions, one drawn thirty-three years ago, another thirty, both which I have kept in short-hand characters, as also the larger catechism on what is required and forbidden in the Ten Commands; then thought on my ways in the several periods of my life, and in the order of the Ten Commands; by all which means I got a humbling sight of myself. Then bowing my knees before the Lord, I did silently read over the two confessions before him; which done, I prayed, and made confession of my sins as fully and particularly as I could; and there I got a view of my whole life as one heap of vanity, sin, and foolishness. It appeared a loathsome life in my eyes, so that my very heart said, "I loath it; I would not live always;" and I loathed myself on account of it. It cut to the heart to think of it, and cut off desire of returning to it, if that had been possible. But such as I was, I behoved to look again towards his temple. After confession made, minding to renew my acceptance of God's covenant of grace, to write it also, and subscribe it with my hand, I viewed two former ones, the one dated August 14, 1699, the other March 25, 1700, and drew up a new one. The former were drawn according to the more dark views I then had of the covenant of grace; and the substance and intent thereof I believe God did accept, and I adhere to, though I do not desire the form of them to be imitated. The acceptance being written, I went through the whole of it, examining myself upon every point thereof; and finding a particular difficulty in the point of submitting my lot, I had the testimony of my conscience, afterwards to be mentioned,
which coming clear before my eyes, eased me. These things intermixed with prayer, being done, I went, and kneeling at my bedside, did, in prayer, then and there, solemnly, and in express words, according to what I had written with my hand, take hold of God's covenant of grace, for life and salvation to me, with my whole heart, without known guile; and rising up from prayer, I stood, and lifting up my eyes to the Lord, I silently read before him the acceptance I had written, and subscribed it with my hand.
By this time I found myself so near exhausted, that I resolved not to attempt to proceed to the remaining part of the work for the time. But reflecting on what had passed, I desiderated satisfying impressions of so solemn a work upon my heart; and therefore begged of God, that he would shew me a token for good, as to his accepting of it. In this case, two things were somewhat relieving to me. One was, that God knew the acceptance of his covenant, as above expressed, was the habitual bent of my heart and soul; and apprehending, that the falling of the natural spirits had had some influence in the matter, I was hopeful, I might afterwards come to judge better of that solemn transaction. Another was that scripture brought to my remembrance; Judg. 11:11, "And Jephthah uttered all his words before the Lord in Mizpeh." So I closed the work betwixt three and four o'clock in the afternoon. And it was matter of some wonder and thankfulness to God, that I had been enabled to continue so long in that exercise, though in the time I had taken a few pottage with small drink. But the uneasiness continued, and occasioned some bitterness of spirit; which my merciful Father did afterwards pity, as a father doth his fretting child. That night I burnt the bundle of papers laid by for that end, in March 1727, mentioned above, adding some others to them; but I had taken out from among them two manuscripts, being yet in doubt what to do with them. I continued to seek a token for good, and on the morrow was abroad at a diet of catechising. I consulted God as to the burning of these papers, and was so clear in it that I had no freedom to let them survive that night.
On Thursday rising early in the morning, to pursue the work I had begun, I spent that day in it. After my ordinary devotions, addressing myself to that work, I spread the subscribed acceptance of the covenant before the Lord, and (having resumed the confession of my sins) I solemnly adhered to it, and renewed it. And in that confession, I got such a view of each period of my life, by itself, that every one of them singly was humbling in the dust; causing admiration of the divine goodness and long-suffering, that I was not cut off ere I had reached another; not excepting that of childhood, remembering some early sproutings of corrupt nature in me in that period, together with the vanity of the whole; though I was none of those whom men call either vicious or roguish boys. Then proceeding towards the covenant, I stated God's offer and exhibition of the covenant to me, in his own express words; such as, Isa. 55:3, "I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David." Heb. 8:10, "This is the covenant—I will put my laws into their mind," &c.; Hos. 2:19, "I will betroth thee unto me for ever." John 3:16, "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son," &c. Rev. 22:17, "Whosoever will, let him take of the water of life freely." These, I pleaded, were his own words, he could not deny; and thereupon I adhered, and solemnly took hold of the same, as before. And then I saw so clearly the matter concluded between God and my soul, that I could plead, and see that, upon the separation of my soul from my body, my soul should be carried up by angels unto Abraham's bosom, by virtue of the covenant; and my dead body be carried down to the grave in it, and lie there in it, and by virtue of it raised up at the last day, reunited to my soul. And tongue and heart jointly consented, that this my vile body, bearing the image of the first Adam, should be left lifeless, carried to the grave, and become more loathsome there, till it be reduced to dust again; but so that, in virtue of the covenant, it be out of the same dust new framed and fashioned, after the image of the second Adam, like unto his glorious body. Rising up from prayer, filled with joy in believing, I sang with an exulting heart; Psalm 16:5, to the end, "God is of mine inheritance," &c. Thereafter I set myself to gather some evidences for heaven. And these were as follows:—