to the inclinations of the people; but unless other things did it, I
me to believe, that he would clear me in that matter in due time, and to depend on him for the same; and that word, "He that believeth, shall not make haste," was helpful to me. The Lord helped me to lay it before and upon him, especially towards the close of that exercise; so that it was a blessed disappointment at Oxnam; for by that means I was driven to the fountain of light.
Jan. 19.—This day being to seek something with respect to the public, I prayed particularly, that God would guide tongue and heart. On reflection, I must say, he is the hearer of prayer; for my heart and tongue were guided in that particular, far better than my pen in my notes.
Three things make me hope, that the Lord will clear me in the business of Etterick, and bring it to a happy conclusion; 1. The calming of my spirit after prayer, 1 Sam. 1:18. 2. Several that have interest with God, are concerned to cry for light to me at the throne of grace; Jam. 5:16. 3. I am willing to go or stay, as the Lord shall give the word; Psalm 32:8, 9, and 21:9. And, as often before, upon this matter, so this night I was helped with some boldness to protest before the Lord, that I must be caused to walk in his way; Psalm 25:8; Ezek. 36. The occasion of these thoughts was, that about two or three days ago I received a letter from Mr. M——, touching that affair, another from Mr. B——, in name of the Presbytery of Selkirk, desiring me to go to Etterick again. This I could not yield to; because, 1. The main thing they desired it for was, that I might be satisfied as to the inclinations of the people; but unless other things did it, I could not have it that way, in regard I had signified my dissatisfaction with their carriage towards me; 2. I thought it would make my own people and them also mistake me.
Jan. 25.—My servant yesterday went to D——, with beer. We waited long for his coming home, but he came not, and we were afraid he had filled himself drunk. When we were going to bed, and he not come, we were afraid he had either perished, or was lying by the way unable to help himself. I minded to set some time apart for fasting
and prayer in my family, as was ordinary before sacraments; and this determined me to this day. So it was observed for these three causes especially: 1. The sacrament; 2. The state of public affairs; 3. The business of Etterick. This day when we arose, and found he was not come, we resolved to wait till eight o'clock, and then send one to seek him, if he came not ere then. I went to my closet in great distress, as all my family was; and while I was begging a blessing on the scripture I was to read, I earnestly prayed the Lord would calm my spirit, and help me to depend on him. The Lord answered me presently, and so I fell on to read. And when I had read about ten or eleven verses, my son came to the door, and told me the lad was come. This helped me to pray, wondering at the Lord's goodness. Our fears in one part had good ground; for so it was with him. The family met, and the Lord was with us, and filled us with goodness and thankfulness. I observed here, 1. That the devil was driving on the old trade of raging about the time of a sacrament, as he uses to do. But he was outshot in his own bow; for, 2. This affliction was a vast help to me and my family, to the work we were going about; it put us in another frame than readily we would otherwise have been in; 3. I learned the necessity of taking more care about the unhappy lad's soul than I had done. 4. That a depending frame is a pledge of the mercy desired. And this lesson came seasonably to me at this time, with respect to the business of Etterick, for light wherein I am helped to depend. 5. My wife expected workmen to have come yesterday, and the family fast was to have been next week; but God hindered them, and the disappointment determined us to this week, as the other dispensation to this day, which we could not have got done if they had come.
Feb. 2.—The sacrament was celebrated. I had great difficulty to get a text. On Wednesday I began to study the text I preached on, but was obliged to give it over. On the Friday I began it anew, and hammered out my sermon on it that day. The confluence of people was extraordinary; so that I behoved to send for more wine, and set up another table on Saturday's night. It was thought my present circumstances contributed to it. When I began the work on the
Lord's day, I was much discouraged by reason of the confusion and disturbance, occasioned by the unusual throng, and by reason I could observe few of my own handful among them. I had no straitening in my preaching, nor any other part of the work. Something of a more than ordinary frame was upon myself and the people, in the first prayer. The work at the tables was signally owned of God. Some professed, they were in hazard of disturbing the work, by crying out at the first and second tables. I understand by many, that there was something of an unordinary frame among the people in the byre. While I was communicating, one that was near me seemed to me not to have taken the bread; I gave her a sign while she seemed to be meditating, and found she had taken it. This discomposed me; I saw it had been a temptation, and that my business then was to have been taken up about my own case. Being brought to the pinch, I wrestled to get to my feet again, fleeing to the blood exhibited, and set myself to present duty. Let this be a lesson to me. At night in my closet, partly desiderating the impressions of communicating on my spirit, as was due; partly reflecting on that disorder at first by the throng, having never seen any here before, I was discouraged, and poured out my complaint before the Lord, was sore weighted and bowed down; my eyes, meanwhile, being withheld from seeing what glorious power of God appeared at that work. Blessed be the Lord, it was good ballast. And I have received something of what I then desiderated. On the Monday, Mr. Colden preached a sweet sermon, with much tenderness. I knew not whether to speak after him or not; but found at length, though I desire not to speak after him, that yet I durst not forbear. And so, with the Lord's help, I spoke a word to all, to strangers, and, with more than ordinary vigour and concern on my soul, a word to my own people. All the three days I found two of my neighbour ministers offended at me, which was but a new thing as to one of them; and considering that with Mr. B——'s persecuting me in many companies with his tongue, upon the occasion of a proposal I made to him in Mr. B——n's favour, before one other minister only, which he received very calmly in the time, though he yielded not to it, but we parted good friends, till Mr. B——n had seemed to balk his carnal project, that he had interwoven with the calling of him to be
his colleague, and afterwards to be sole minister of G——w. Thus was I grieved, and my spirit affected, seeing some of my friends now turned my enemies; which made me say in my heart, "O that I had in the wilderness a lodging-place of wayfaring men," &c.
Feb. 9.—This morning the Lord was pleased to blow on me more than ordinary; and with thankfulness my soul acknowledged the goodness of God, in that ever he sent me to Simprin, gave me a less charge than others, provided for me here, gave me the blessed occasions of sacraments, and hath made unworthy me some way useful to several of the people. This day was a good day, and I hope a day of power. (Nota, If ever I preached in my life, it was that day). I preached on 2 Cor. 11:2, "I have espoused you to one husband." Towards the latter end of the afternoon's sermon, I desired them to remember, that I had espoused them to Christ, shewed them in some particulars what had been done that way, and then called the heavens and the earth, the angels, the stones and timber of the church and byre, and the people themselves, to witness that they were espoused. These things were delivered with a change of my voice, speaking mostly lower than before, but with more than ordinary weight and gravity. Having made that solemn attestation, my spirit just slipt off into prayer, that the Lord would preserve them till the day of the Lord, &c, in which I continued a little while. The like I never did. In that prayer, my voice, that before was low, and when extended uneasy, turned very high; and I prayed with as much easiness of my voice as ever in my life. I was a wonder to myself, and a strange moving was upon the people. It was observable, as that easiness began with the prayer, it continued while, in a few words, I exhorted them to endeavour to keep chaste; and then it left me, which was ere I had altogether done with the sermon. Afterward I had a temptation to be lifted up. It was quickly crushed in the bud, but not by me. I had a secret dissatisfaction that arose in my heart as to the managing of that work. In the fervour of my affections I had expressed a word wrong. This, whatever be of it, had weight enough then to hold me down, if not to press me too far. (Nota, All this passed, as I remember, betwixt the pulpit and the garden-door next
to the house.) But immediately after I came in, going to my closet as ordinary, at prayer there, it pleased the Lord to shoot an arrow of wrath suddenly into my soul, which pierced my soul and body both; so that a great weakness, and an exceeding great heat, went through my body in a moment. It lasted not long; but I think, if it had lasted a while longer, I had been a most miserable spectacle. When it came on, at first I was tempted to rise from prayer, and flee from the presence of the Lord, and had much ado to resist; but God in mercy determined me to another way, even to flee under the covert of the blood of Christ, that only shelter from the terror of God, and that even to those that had crucified him; and so I held by these scriptures; 1 John 1:7; Heb. 9:14. These drops of wrath came in on me, with a conviction of guilt darted into my spirit, viz. that, in that prayer aforesaid, I had not suitable affections to that petition, "Even so come, Lord Jesus, come quickly," which was the last petition in it. And in a most composed temper of mind, reflecting on it, I see clearly, that God left me in that, and that that petition was the product of my own spirit. This let me see, that my best duties behave to be washed in the blood of the Lamb, else they, even they will damn me. After dinner, singing with my family a part of Isa. 35 that word, ver. 8, "And an high way shall be there,—though fools shall not err therein," was very sweet to me, with respect to the business of Etterick. I went up immediately to my closet, and meditating, I again got a broad sight of the filthiness of my best duties, and the absolute need of their being washed in the blood of Christ; saw myself most unworthy to touch the vessels of the Lord; and that I might roll myself in the dust, when the glorious gospel was to be preached. This helped me to pray. I have sometimes wished for some drops of wrath, to awaken me out of a secure frame; but I found one drop, one arrow, intolerable. Who knows the power of his wrath? Tongue cannot express it. O precious Christ! O precious blood! Horror and despair had swallowed me up, had it not been that blood, the blood of God. I observe now, that, according to my design formerly laid down, I was to have preached on watching this day; but the Lord withheld me, and led me to this text; as also that the Lord gave a spirit of prayer in the private fast before the sacrament, and this
morning also. These were tokens of good. But the Lord has been at pains to hide pride from my eyes. O that I never saw it more!
Feb. 10.—This morning coming, in prayer, to the business of Etterick, I thought I saw myself beset with promises; Isa. 35:8; Prov. 3:6; Psalm 25:9, and 32:8, 9, and 107 ult., and my soul was raised to a dependence on the Lord. At night, fear and darkness seized on me again, being in company; but by prayer I was raised up again to dependence. There is no keeping foot without new supplies from the Lord.
Feb. 12.—Concerning that business, which lies very near my heart, and so much the more as the time of its determination draws near, I have further remarked, 1. That Providence has been at pains to keep me out of the way of the parties, that I might not consult with them; Mr. H. missed me, Mr. M. and those with him were diverted from coming to my house the night before the Presbytery. I was invited to Yarrow sacrament last summer, but had no freedom to go. At Melrose sacrament, Ellistou's lady desired to speak with me; I declined to speak with her in the church yard, lest people should have misconstrued me, and promised to wait on her any where in the town; but I heard no more of it. About Whitsunday 1703, Drummelzier declared, though not to me, his respect towards me, (having been with him about business), and that he would favour me in any transportation I had an eye to, (so he was pleased to express it, at least so it was told to me.) I said to the person that told me, I thanked Drummelzier for his kindness, but that was not the way I minded to take, but was content to stay where I am. Nevertheless afterward, that same year, I think, I heard he had recommended me to Etterick; but Providence so ordered it, that since that time I never saw his face; wherein I have often admired the good providence of God; for if I had, it would have been hard to have come away with a good conscience and good manners too. (N. B. I have heard since I came to Etterick, that thus I was among the first that were recommended to them after Mr. Macmichen's departure. However, he joined not with the callers, being pleased with the thing itself, but
not with the method of procedure.) 2. When the call came first to our Presbytery, my health was sore broken; I looked rather like a man to be transported to eternity, than to another parish. 3. While I was at Etterick, my wife had so little liberty in prayer about that business, that when she saw me first, which was in the church presently after I came home, she was able to guess my entertainment. [N. B. I must do this justice to my wife, once for all, to say, that as to my leaving her country, and not settling there, and as to my settling in Simprin, which was before she was my wife, but not before we were engaged, she interposed not; and as to this transportation, she meddled as little; but in all the three was silent to the Lord, and laid open to follow what God would point out to be my duty.] And C. Wood told me, that the business at first seemed very clear to her, but afterwards grew dark. 4. There was a most remarkable difference betwixt the secret and family fast before the Presbytery, and the secret and family fast last observed. In the former two there was nothing but tugging and heartlessness; in both the latter, there was something of the spirit of prayer. 5. After that exercise on the 9th of January was over, having prayed that the Lord would help me to take up his mind in his dispensations, I thought on the things recorded above, December 31, p. 169, et seq. And that day, viz. January 9, the balance was, in my apprehension, cast on the side of Etterick. 6. I thought Mr. Colden should have staid the Monday night after the sacrament, that I might consult him in that affair; but he went away. Only he told me, that he thought it God's goodness that I was sent to Simprin; but that he was now clearer than ever that I should go away; but he spoke not of Etterick to me, but Ayton and Jedburgh. Many a time has God inhibited that man to help me; but if he had not been more useful to me than others, I had not been so ready to idolize and make an oracle of him, whom my heart will ever love. The last Lord's day another went away, and spoke not with me; but I reverenced the providence of God drying up the streams, to lead me to the fountain. 7. What aspect the Lord's countenance at the sacrament, the exhortation on the Monday, and the last Lord's day's work, have on this affair, the event will make certain. As to the last of these, it was said by Christian Wood, who was with us that day, that