hell to punish those who are united to their sins. 3. I desire a whole
On the 14th of August I communicated at Larbert, and was not altogether deserted in it; but I think, as I was walking alone to my lodgings, I got my communion indeed. Two or three days before, I did endeavour to examine myself thus: They that have a sincere desire of union and communion with Christ, have true faith, Matth. 5:6; 2 Cor. 8:12; and such are those who, 1. Choose and desire Christ, without desire to retain sin; that choose Christ whatever may follow; Heb. 11:25. 2. That are not carried forth after spiritual good things merely as profitable to themselves, but as things in themselves good and desirable; Psalm 73:25; 3. Who desire a whole Christ, as well for sanctification as justification; 1 Cor. 1:30; 4. Who esteem Christ above all; 1 Pet. 2:7; 5. Who have a sense of sin pressing the conscience, and serious displeasure with it; Matth. 11:28. 6. Who make suitable endeavours after Christ; Prov 21:25. But I (I appeal to God's omniscience) have such a desire. For, 1. I desire Christ without exception of any sin, or the cross; I am content to part with all sin, and take Christ to follow him in his strength whithersoever he goes. 2. I desire union and communion with Christ, though there were no hell to punish those who are united to their sins. 3. I desire a whole Christ, and would as fain have sin subdued and mortified, as guilt taken away. 4. I esteem Christ above all; give me Christ, and take from me what thou wilt. 5. Sin is a burden to me, especially my predominant last. 6. I endeavour, in some measure, to seek after Christ; Lord, thou knowest. Therefore I have true faith.
The week after the communion at Culross, my acquaintance with Katharine Brown, now my wife, was carried on to a direct proposal of marriage made to her. She was fifth daughter to Robert Brown of Barhill, in the parish of Culross; her mother, then a widow, and her eldest sister, who had been married to Thomas Brown above mentioned, being dead more than a year before. I had, while I was at Kennet, heard a very favourable report of her; and from the first time that I saw her, which was March 3, 1697, the day on which I left that country, something stuck with me. A few days after I had returned, as said is, she had occasion to come and tarry some time with her brother-in-law. And my health being broken as above mentioned, I
was valetudinary, and particularly subject to faintings; with one of which I was seized, June 3, she being present; but by her advice, whose father had been a practitioner in physic, I used wormwood boiled, and applied it to my stomach in linen bags, that month, and was much relieved of these faintings. Howbeit, when they left me, I was seized with a binding at my breast; and for a long time that year I used Lucatellus' balsam by the same advice. What engaged me to her, was her piety, parts, beauty, cheerful disposition fitted to temper mine, and that I reckoned her very fit to see to my health. I never was in a mind to marry before I should be settled; but I judged both the one and the other requisite for my health. But though I made choice of a most worthy woman, I was afterwards obliged to confess, before God, my sin, in that I had not been more at pains to know his mind in the matter before I had proposed it. And howbeit I did frequently that summer lay it before the Lord, and consider it; yet I can never forgive myself, though I hope my God hath forgiven me, that I did not set some time or times apart for fasting and prayer for that end, before I made the proposal. But God did chastise my rashness, partly by my finding that process very entangling to me in my vagrant circumstances, partly by suffering perplexing scruples to rise in my mind about it: while yet he did, in the issue of them, convincingly shew the matter to be of himself, and bound it on my conscience as duty; which cleared, my difficulty was not to get love to her, but rather to bound it.
In the beginning of September I had a letter from Mr. Wylie, desiring me to preach a Sabbath-day, either at Salin or Carnock, or on a weekday at Carnock. In answer to which, I promised to preach a Sabbathday at Salin, if they would procure the day from the Presbytery; but declined seeking it for myself.
About the middle of that month, I received a letter from Mr. Murray, inviting me to Nithsdale; and had thoughts of complying with it. On the 11th, being a national fast-day, I had preached at Clackmannan, the Lord helping me; and that night going to bed weakened and wearied, I found myself, notwithstanding, able to lie on my back; a
posture which for a long time before I could not place myself in, without being in hazard of fainting. Some were offended at that day's work, others much endeared to me. But about this time the business of my settlement there being still in agitation, and the elders not speaking of it to me, till they might see the matter brought to a bearing, I thought it meet to shew one of them, that it was needless to make a bustle between heritors and elders on my account, in regard, for any thing I knew, I should never accept of a call to Clackmannan.
So, on October 5, I went to the Presbytery, with an intention to crave my testimonials, in order to leave that country; but ere I got it moved, there was produced and read a letter from Kennet, desiring, that in regard, the parish of Clackmannan had a desire for me to be their miuister, they would interpose with me not to leave the bounds, and appoint me to preach three Sabbaths at Clackmannan, in regard some of the heritors had not heard me. Whereupon the Presbytery urged me to stay till the next presbytery-day at least, and appointed me two days at Clackmannan; whereto I at length yielded; though it troubled me somewhat after, that I should have consented to preach there on that account.
On the 18th came to me an elder of Carnock, with a line signed by five of their number, shewing that they had the Presbytery's allowance for drawing up a call to me; but that Kincairdine and Sir Patrick Murray would not allow it to be done for any young man, till once the parish had a hearing of him; and desiring me to shew, whether they might go on or not. I found by the bearer that they were not unanimous; shewed them I could not have access to preach a day to them; left them to their liberty; and desired they might not on my account deprive themselves of any other whom they pleased.
Having preached the two days at Clackmannan, the elders could not prevail with the heritors to join in a call to me. Mr. Ingles aforesaid set himself against me particularly, alleging for a reason, that I was young, and but a probationer. It was supposed, that my not bowing
in the pulpit, and going with none of them on the Sabbathnights, rendered me unacceptable; and I do believe, that they and I both agreed, that, in respect of my temper and way, I was not fit for the parish of Clackmannan. However, the said Mr. Ingles, who was a friend of Brea's told me some time or other, while in that country, (I apprehend it has been after this, when Brea was deceased), that there was something in my sermons so like Brea's, that one would have thought I had seen his notes, but that he knew I had no access to them; which last was very true.
By this time I had preached twice at Dollar, then lately become vacant through the removal of the Episcopal incumbent; and an inclination towards me there was signified by some of them; and thinking about settling in that country, I could scarcely be able to say in my own heart, where I would desire to settle in it, if it was not in Dollar; and hardly there either. But went to the Presbytery, November 2, fully resolved to have my liberty, thinking to go to Nithsdale. Accordingly I desired their testimonial, shewing that I could stay no longer. Mr. White, being moderator, did long press my stay; which, with all the modesty I could, I declined, representing, that if I continued longer, I behoved to continue all the winter, in respect of the broken state of my health. (I was now using conserve of roses, by the advice aforesaid). After they had urged me till I was ashamed, two ministers, whereof Mr. Turnbull was one, took me out to converse with me privately. In the meantime a man from Dollar, with much concern, addressed himself to me, that I might not go away, shewing the inclination of that parish toward me; and elders of the other vacant parishes urged me. Finding myself perplexed, and not knowing what to say, I left myself to the Presbytery's disposal, and so received their appointments after.
Being thus locked in there again, the tongues of many were let loose on me; and my railing and reflecting, as they call it, came often to my ears. Preaching at Clackmannan on the 27th, some were vexed, and one in a rage went out of the church. When I came home to my lodging, I was much affected that my preaching was so stormed at;
and the rather, that I thought I had not the inward support requisite in such a case; but I was comforted at family-worship, singing, Psalm 69:7, and downwards. That same week, it was uneasy to me to hear that some concluded I had an inclination for the parish of Clackmannan, for the zeal shown for it by my most intimate acquaintance, thinking they could not have done so without encouragement from me. Upon which I find I made this reflection, setting that matter in a due light, viz. "But, Lord, thou knowest, that it was not my inclination, though in my thoughts I would not be too peremptory, not knowing how God might call me."
In the month of December, some of the elders of Dollar signified to me their inclination to give me a call, if they could get it done; but withal I had an account of an appointment on me to go to the north; and, on the 27th, came to my hand the commission's letter, requiring me forthwith to go to Angus and Mearns. On the morrow I went to the Presbytery, where Mr. John Forrester, one of the ministers of Stirling, keenly urged my going to the north; but I told them I could not go, in respect of the state of my health; and they did not so much as recommend it to me to go. By this I judged, that providence did not call me to that removal, and the rather that the motion had been made about a call to Dollar. Howbeit, the going to the north was, for a long time after, a sore exercise to me at times, as will be observed afterwards. That same day, the fast of January 4, 1699, being appointed, the land still groaning under dearth and scarcity, year after year, the said Mr. Forrester moved, that it should be recommended to the brethren that to deal prudently in their preaching with respect to the cause of the fast, and hinted at some affecting singularity, which I knew very well to be directed against me; but since he named me not, I said nothing on the head. That month also was observed, that one Alard Fithie in Powside of Clackmannan, who being enraged at my sermons at Clackmannan, September 11, was wont to go out of the parish after, when I preached in it, was then broken, and obliged to leave the parish, it not being known whither he had fled.
On the 29th, I found that my friend Katharine Brown, who some time before had given a favourable answer to my proposal, had afterwards been much troubled about it, that it was not enough deliberate. Had I taken that way in my own case, which I ought to have done as aforesaid, it is likely I would have put her on the same method, whereby this might have been prevented. But one error in conduct makes way for another.
For about fourteen months after this I kept a large diary, moved thereto by converse with Mr. Mair. In that time I filled up the book I had then begun, and a whole second book, though I wrote in shorthand characters, till July 7, 1699. Several of the passages of that time are from thence transcribed into this account of my life.
January 1, 1699.—I had more than an ordinary measure of God's presence and help in preaching. In the morning in secret I was earnest with God for it, but had a temptation to think that God would leave me, which did perplex me sore. "When I was coming home from the sermons, Satan fell to afresh again, the contrary way, tempting me to pride. It came three times remarkably on me, and was as often repelled by that word, "What hast thou that thou has not received?"
During the remaining time that I continued at Ferrytown, I wrote a "Soliloquy on the Art of Man-fishing," which was never finished, but is in retentis.* The occasion thereof was this, January 6, 1699, reading in secret, my heart was touched with Matth. 4:19, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." My soul cried out for accomplishing of that to me, and I was very desirous to know how I might follow Christ, so as to become a fisher of men; and for my own instruction in that point, I addressed myself to the consideration of it in that manner. And indeed it was much on my heart in these days, not to preach the wisdom of mine own heart, or produce of my own gifts; but to depend on the Lord for light, that I might, if I could have reached it, been able to say of every word, "Thus saith the Lord." That scribble gives an idea of the then temper of my spirit, and the
trying circumstances I then found myself in, being every where scared at by some.
January 21.—When I arose this morning, I began to look for something to meditate on, and that word came; Jer. 31:3, "I have loved thee with an everlasting love; therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn thee." My soul grasped at it; I meditated on it with a heart somewhat elevated; yet I saw much unbelief in my heart, which was my burden. I thought I loved Christ; and then that word; 1 John 4:19, "We love him, because he first loved us," came. I saw love began on Christ's side; yet I could not but with doubting assent to the conclusion, that God loved me. I went to prayer, poured out my soul, lamenting over my unbelief, which did then eminently appear and shew itself to me. I was called thereafter to breakfast, but that word, Jer. 31:3, stuck with me, and yet does; it is sweet as the honey-comb. When I was at prayer, I thought the Lord explained that word to me; "Therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn thee," that God's drawing me to himself by the gospel in a loving way, was an evidence and token of his everlasting love. While I meditated on my sermon, that word, Psalm 102:16, "When the Lord shall build up Zion, he shall appear in his glory," came again to me, (for at this time it was much on my heart). I thought on it. My soul was deeply affected under the sense of Christ's withdrawing from ordinances, and my heart groaned under the sense of his absence. My soul longed for the day that the house should be built, and the rubbish taken away. It sent me to prayer. I began to this purpose, Why hast thou forsaken thine own house? and it was presently suggested to me, that Christ doth as a man that hath his house a-building; he comes now and then and sees it, but does not stay, and will not come to dwell in it till it be built up. My heart and soul cried vehemently to the Lord for his return, and the grief of my heart often made my speech to fail. I cried to the Lord as the great watchman, "What of the night?" this sad night, when the sun goes down at noon-day? I was once going to say, Lord, what need I preach? but I durst not bring it out; so I was silent for a time. My soul desired, that either he would come to me in ordinances, or take me to him in heaven, if it were his will. When I
arose from prayer, I could get nothing but still that word; Psalm 102:16. Lord, hasten the day then. When I went to bed this night, that word came into my mind; "Whom shall I send? Send me." I thought on going to the north, and was content to go any way, north, south, or wherever. My heart began to wander (I think, falling asleep); and I said in my heart the words of a curse against myself used by rude ungodly people, "If," &c. They came like a flash of lightening, and immediately made my very heart to leap for dread. This, I saw, was one of Satan's fiery darts. To-morrow morning, being the Lord's day, I found my heart dull; I endeavoured to apply that word; Hos. 14:5, "I will be as dew unto Israel;" and was somewhat revived. But in prayer thereafter he covered himself with a cloud. I cried, that if there were any accursed stuff I knew not of, he would discover it to me; and had a sad prospect of this day's work. I would have been content with a sick bed, rather than to be carried hence without his presence to the pulpit. Intending to read, I prayed for a word that might revive me; and reading in my ordinary; Matth. 16, my heart moved and leapt, I thought within me, when I read ver. 8, "O ye of little faith, why reason ye among yourselves, because ye have brought no bread?" I took it to myself; I saw it was my unbelief, and that I behoved to depend on God, laying all the stress on him. Afterward I got that word, "When I sent you out, lacked ye any thing?" I poured out my soul when in the manse, and suffered the bell to toll long; and when I was going out and heard it tolling I thought it was now tolling for me to come to preach, maybe ere the next Sabbath it may toll for me to the grave. This was useful. The Lord was sweetly and powerfully with me through the day. After the lecture we sung part of Psalm 51, the last line of it, at which I stood up, was, "With thy free sp'rit me stay;" I stood up with courage, for I thought the Spirit of God was my stay; and in the night when I awoke, I was still with God.
On the 23d, reading in secret, Matth. 19 and coming to ver. 29, "And every one that hath forsaken houses," &c. I found my heart could give no credit to it. I would fain have believed it, but really could not. I meditated a while on it, with ejaculations to the Lord, till in some
measure I overcame. I then went to prayer, where the Lord gave me to see much of my own vileness, and particularly that evil and plague of my heart. I blessed the Lord for sealing ordinances, for then I saw the need of them to confirm faith.
On the 24th came to me one of the elders of Carnock, and shewed me a letter they had from the Countess of Kincardine, desiring them to go to the Presbytery of Stirling, to get me to preach two or three days with them; and if they and I should be both pleased, she would concur in a call, and Sir Patrick Murray would join with her. But by means, I think, of a sister of my friend's living in their neighbourhood, I had been strongly impressed with a very hard notion of that parish, as a self-conceited people, among whom I would have no success; and though I durst not forbid them to proceed, yet I told plainly, that I found my heart was not with them, thinking myself obliged, in justice to them, to declare the matter as it really was. Thus I stood in my own way with respect to that parish; but providence had designed far better for them, the worthy Mr. James Hog being thereafter settled there, where he continues to this day, [1730], faithfully declaring the gospel of God. And there fell to my lot, several years after, a people fully as conceited of themselves as those of Carnock could be.
On the 27th, I wanted to be determined what to preach, even after I had prayed to the Lord for his help; prayed again, and was nothing cleared; and so was much cast down. I thought of praying again; but, alas! thought I, what need I go to prayer? for I can get no light. I urged my soul to believe, and hope against hope; but I found I could not believe. Thus was my soul troubled. Sometimes I stood, sometimes sat, and sometimes walked; at length I went to my knees; and so I sat a while, but not speaking one word. At length I broke out with that, "How long, O Lord?"—and panting a while again, I cried to the Lord to shew me why he contended with me. Whereupon conscience spake plain language to me, and told me my fault of selfseeking in speaking to a man yesterday, and writing to my brother; for which I desired to humble myself before the Lord. In the issue I
was determined what to preach. I had many ups and downs that day. This sermon was for Airth; and on the morrow, when I was going there, I observed how I was two several times kept back by storm of weather from that place, and how these two last times I have, in my studies for it, been plunged deeply; which made me wonder what might be the matter. But the storm was not yet over; for though the Saturday's night was a good time to my soul, and I think I will scarcely ever forget the relish the 21st chapter of John, especially that word, "Children, have ye any meat?" had on my soul being the ordinary in the family-exercise; yet to-morrow morning I was indisposed both in body and spirit. I thought I lay a-bed too long in the morning, and that gave me the first wound. The sweet word aforesaid I did reflect on; but now the sap was gone out of it, as to poor me. The public work was heavy. I had much ado to drive out the glass with the lecture; and so confounded and deserted was I, that I could not sing the psalm with my very voice. I could scarcely pray at all. I had neither light nor life in the first part of the sermon; the little light I had in it went away by degrees, as ever the light of the sun did by a cloud's coming over it, till I thought I should quite have given it over. At that juncture of time, a word was given me to speak, and the gross darkness was dispelled; and this continued till the end. In the afternoon I had some help from the Lord, which I had now learned to prize. As I was going to the afternoon's sermon, I thought the people in that place esteemed me too much, and took that as a part of the cause of this desertion. When I came out to my lodgings, one says to me, You need not shun to come to Airth, you are so well helped to preach there. When, said I, was I so helped? ANSW. In the forenoon, (for the speaker was not present in the afternoon.) The rest said, it was a satisfying day's work to the souls of many. This was astonishing. The same thing I heard of it, next day, from another godly woman. The causes of this desertion I afterwards inquired into; and found, 1. There was something of that former quarrel, because of self-seeking in the particular above said; 2. My sleeping too long in the morning; 3. The people of Airth's esteem of me, as noticed above, or to keep me humble; 4. That the Lord might let me see, it is not by might nor by power, but by his own Spirit, that souls
are edified; 5. To learn me to be thankful for a little. Several years after this, meeting with the minister of Airth at the assembly, he told me, that by conference with some of his parish before the administration of the sacrament, he found several persons there own me as the instrument that the Lord made use of to do good to their souls.
There was at that time, for the encouragement of probationers preaching in vacancies in that country, on the north side of Forth, a legal allowance of 18 merks a-sabbath, as in the north; the which fell to me in Clackmannan, and I suppose also in Dollar. I had been appointed to preach at Clackmannan on the 8th of January, but was called to go to Airth that day, exchanging my post with another probationer who could not go thither. On that occasion I received a compliment of two dollars at Airth, being the first money I got in that country.
The affair of Dollar was now in agitation. And coming up to the Presbytery, February 1, I found an elder of that parish there, who, it would seem, had been moving for their proceeding to a call, without having his commission in writing; which was appointed to be seen to, in the case of any that should come to the next Presbytery from thence. In a private conference I had with him at his desire, he shewed me, that Argyle, their superior, had signified his willingness to concur in a call to any whom the parish and Presbytery should agree on, and that the call was designed for me; but withal, that eight or ten of their parish had subscribed and sent to Argyle, a paper, bearing their dislike of me; that one John Burn was reckoned an enemy to my settlement there, yet would not sign it, in regard, he said, I was a servant of God. I learned afterwards, that one of the subscribers wished he had quit a joint of his finger, or the like, rather than he had subscribed that paper; as also, that Mr. Forrester had given the foresaid elder but a very indifferent character of me, saying, that now they were going to call a new upstart, one that broke the thetes. This character from that good man was affecting to me; considering that going under such a character, I was so unholy, my
corruption prevailed so much over me, and that I was really weak in comparison of others, who took a more smooth way than I durst take in my public performances; and so it convinced me of my need to live more near God.
Being to preach, Feburary 5, at Alloa, on Zech. 13 ult., I was somewhat shaken in my mind about my call to preach it; the doctrine thereon being almost only for exercised souls; but going to family duty, which the landlord performed, he sung Psalm 111 by which, especially vers. 2, 4, I was cleared in this point, instructed, and comforted; and was also cleared somewhat by the chapter read. But that which did fully confirm me, was a word brought to me by the way, "When thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren." So that I was assured I was called to preach that doctrine there. That word foresaid was very applicable to my case; for on the Thursday before I had a very sharp exercise, and a sad struggle. The matter was this:—
Awakening a long time ere day-light, I found my dream had been sinful. At first I was rather amazed than truly affected with it, being overwhelmed with sleepiness. I thought to lie waking, and think on it sometimes, and sometimes I thought to pray in my bed; but while thus minded, the temptation I had while asleep, set on me when awake; and sleep prevailed so, that I had almost given myself up to it; and while I was thus slumbering, I said twice or thrice within myself, with a terror from God on my soul, What if I be damned before I awake? After this, my soul was under so great terror from the Lord, that my very heart began to fail; and I wanted not thoughts of expiring just there where I was. Yet I cast up ejaculations to the Lord, put on my clothes, and lighted a candle, groaning under the sense of guilt. While I walked up and down, that word, 1 John 1:7, "The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth from all sin," came into my mind, and did somewhat fasten my sinking soul. I then went to prayer, confessed, and poured out my soul before him, and that with some confidence of mercy. Then I feared that confidence was not well got, and was afraid God would give me up to hardness of heart, which plague I feared as death, and cried that the Lord would not
plague me with that, which was terrible as hell to my soul. I made use of that promise; Prov. 28:13, "He that confesseth and forsaketh, shall find mercy," and gripped it as spoke by the God of truth. But my soul began again to sink and despond. I wrestled against it; cried to the Lord, that he would not be terrible to me, &c. till I got up again somewhat. When I arose from my knees, I walked up and down with ejaculations, striving to grip to that foresaid promise, and I thought it was faith whereby I did so. I made much use of that promise, thought it was God's word, and that God would not deny his own word. The causes of the Lord's leaving me I found to be, 1. My coldrife prayers the preceding night; 2. Some guilt the day before not yet mourned over, viz. a blasphemous thought that went through my soul at the blessing before the exercise. 3. I was even thinking last night while abed, what victory I had got over, that which so overtook me; so that it seems I was too secure. The effects of this tragedy were, that I saw my own vileness, and felt what it was to be near giving over hope; but thanks be to God that giveth me the victory through the Lord Jesus Christ. I love the Lord, my soul loves him for his wonderful mercy towards me, supporting me, hearing my prayers, and. helping me to grip a promise. But how will I get through the world? Happy are they that are in heaven. I made much use, in that sad hour, of the covenant, namely, my engaging with him at Culross, Tulliallan, and under the tree in Kennet orchard. After this the language of my soul was, "My feet had almost slipt, but thy mercy held me up;" while I proposed the question again to my soul, How will I get through the world? and that word came; Cant. 8:5, "I raised thee up finder the apple-tree;" and that, Psalm 22:8, "He trusted in the Lord, that he would deliver him;" and I sang, Psalm 73:21, to the end, but with a weak body. That word was sweet to me, "Go thy way, thy faith hath made thee whole." Satan set again on me with the same; but I cried to the Lord, and he fled. When I went in to the morning-exercise, (which the landlord always performed), he gave out Psalm 138:6, which was very confirming to my soul, especially ver. 8; it answered my question foresaid. He read 2 Cor. 7, whereby I was instructed, comforted, and edified, so as I saw a special hand of God in his reading that chapter, and singing that psalm. When I came away,
these words were to me sweeter than honey. I could have put the Bible in my heart, and was helped to believe, &c.
On the 13th, arising from prayer in a dead frame, and having endeavoured to descend into myself, I thought I saw my heart like a clear pool. I thought I knew there were many things there to humble me, but I could not at all see them. At last I remembered my miscarriage this day, in not giving testimony against one profaning the name of Christ by a vain obsecration. Whereupon going to prayer, and reading the Lord's word, I recovered my frame. I remember, on this occasion, that being in company with Brea, a gentleman said to him, For God's sake do so and so; and he replied, Nay, I will do it for your sake. The day before I preached in Airth, and reflecting on the last time I was there, that word came, "He will not chide continually," &c., and was sweetly verified in my after experience.
On the 19th I preached at Dollar, where, on the Saturday's night, it was shown me, that some there had little liking of me, because of my severe preaching; and James Kirk, an elder, told me of Paul's catching men with guile; signifying, that some of the heritors. when desired to subscribe a commission as aforesaid, said they would hear me again before they did it; and therefore he wished they might not be angered any more, for that the elders had enough ado with them already. I told him my resolution to speak what God should give me, without feud or favour; and could not but observe that special providence, which after this conference, ordered our singing at family worship the two last verses of Psalm 27, and our reading Matth. where, in this case, I was instructed, forewarned, and comforted. But thereafter I was baited with a temptation to fainting in the matter, and my courage damped. And here lay my snare, that being at this time in fear of a mission to the north, which I had a great aversion to, I was afraid the people of Dollar might be quite scared at my freedom in delivering the word, and so that mission might take place. This was a heavy exercise to me that night. I prayed, read, meditated, struggled, urged my heart with these
scriptures; Matth. 20:34; Prov. 28:21; Acts. 17:26, hard put to it, but still in hope the Lord would not leave me to "transgress for a piece of bread." But as I was putting off my clothes for bed, my text I was to preach on came into my mind; John 1:11, "He came unto his own, and his own received him not." This enlivened my heart with zeal and courage to speak without sparing in his cause. But next morning the temptation was renewed; and I never had seen my own weakness in that point so much as I saw it then. Nevertheless I was still in hope, that God would not suffer me to yield, but would help to speak freely the word he should give me. After all this, as I was going down to the kirk, John Blackwood, another good man, and an elder, put me in mind, to be sure to hold off from reflections as far as I could; for the which I reprimanded him. In the issue the Lord gave me freedom to preach his word, whatever was to become of me; and my soul found cause to bless the Lord, that that temptation, had not prevailed to render me unfaithful in his work.
That Sabbath-night I catched cold in my head while I sat at family worship, by an open window, which I apprehend I had not observed. It issued in a suppuration in my left ear, and was for many days a grievous trouble to me. On the Saturday's night after my pain being very violent, I had a weary night of it; but being to preach in Clackmannan, I ventured in the morning to cause ring the bell, the pain being somewhat assuaged, and finding it would be a grievous affliction to me to have a silent Sabbath, the Lord's word being the joy and rejoicing of my heart. In the issue I felt no pain in preaching, but was strengthened both in body and spirit for my work. But I had a weary night of it again.
On the 22d those of the parish of Dollar craved of the Presbytery a minister to moderate in a call; but they delayed it till their next meeting at Alloa, March 1. That day they delayed it again, till they should get an answer of a letter they were to write to Argyle; and Mr. White told me, there was some mention of another young man whom that noble person minded for Dollar. On the 15th, as I was going to the Presbytery, Mr. Turnbull told me, that Argyle had returned an
answer to their letter, and therein told them of the young man he designed for the parish, but took no notice of me. By the Presbytery's minutes that day, I understood their letter had been to take off some misrepresentations made of me to him.
The meeting of the commission of the General Assembly was now near; and Argyle's letter aforesaid trysting therewith, seemed to be a providential inclosing of me for the north; which occasioned me great heaviness. On the morrow the Lord comforted me, by giving me light into that word, "That stons is made head cornerstone which builders did despise;" thinking, that if Christ was despised by the builders, no wonder I should be so too; and that however I was despised by them, God might do great things for me, and by me. At this time the trouble in my ear was but going off, so that it kept me near a month. I wonder that I do not find that I took it for a rebuke of my listening so far to that temptation to fainting aforementioned.
March 20.—Being on my way to Edinburgh to the commission, I was by storm stopped at the North-Ferry that night. Then and there were two words brought to mo; the one, Zech. 4:6, "Not by might, nor by power," &c.; the other, Dan. 1:15, "At the end of ten days, their countenances appeared fairer, and fatter in flesh, than all the children which did eat the portion of the king's meat." This also was made sweet and strengthening to my soul; and I enjoyed a great calm and serenity of mind, which, by the mercy of God, lasted all along with me, till on the 23d I was freed from the mission to the north, which for a long time before had occasioned me much perplexity. I had resolved to attend the Presbytery, to get them to speak for me to the commission; but was hindered by the boil in my ear; and minding to make up that with a letter to one of the Presbytery, it was miscarried; and this was the reason of my going to the commission. As I was blessing the Lord with my soul for the serenity arising from the consideration of the aforesaid scriptures, Satan set on me with a fulsome temptation, as if God had dealt so with me for my preaching so yesterday. I presently noticed it, prayed, and protested against it, and disowned it; and took a look of my black feet, particularly as they
appeared that day. The main stress of the business, as to the mission, was at a committee, where I had no acquaintance but one, who was none of my best friends. Having been advised before to cut out my hair, for my health, at that time I got a wig; and thereafter wore one all along; till after my coming to Ettrick, finding it troublesome when going abroad, I laid it aside, and betook me again to my own hair; which to this day I wear.
Upon my return to the Ferrytown, considering that Dollar, the only place in that country where I could have desired to settle, was now blocked up; I was in a strait how to dispose of myself next, knowing of nothing, but to go to Nithsdale, which I had no great inclination to. In that case was useful to me that word, which used to come slipping in, as it were, into my mind; Psalm 71:20, "Thou, Lord, who great adversities, and sore, to me didst show, Shalt quicken, and bring me again, from depths of earth below;" and on the 31st, together with it, that text; 2 Cor. 4:8, "Perplexed, but not in despair;" and Psalm 55:22, "Cast thy burden on the Lord, and he will sustain thee."
Robert Kemp, a noted professor of the stricter side, in the parish of Airth, had, on March 10, asked me, if a certain elder had spoke to me about their calling me to be their minister; the which I having answered in the negative, he told me there was such a motion; and that if the elders would not move in it, they would present a supplication to the Presbytery for that effect. But having, on April 16, preached the last sermon I had there, on the morrow after, that elder, William Colvan in Powside, did signify their design to call me. I told him very seriously, that such an attempt would be needless; the thoughts of it were indeed terrible to me, being very sensible of my unfitness for such a post. But there was no probability of that project's taking effect, my friends being, part of them, not acceptable to the Presbytery; and a certain person of eminence there, upon hearing sometime that I was to preach there, had cursed me; at the report whereof coming to me, I thought upon and saw the use of, that word; Matth. 5:11, "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you,"
&c. That Sabbath at Airth, I found, 1. That in the morning, especially in prayer before I went to the kirk, I was tempted to think I had been rash in a certain business, not yet accomplished. I slighted the temptation, knowing it to be a device of Satan to mar me of what I was about. I thought it no time then to consider, whether it was really so or not, it being a thing that could not be quickly cleared. 2. That in the forenoon I had light, but little life; in the afternoon I had both, and some things useful and seasonable were laid to my hand. 3. That I was helped betwixt sermons and in the afternoon, to live by faith; and I had a serenity of mind, and contentment of heart, flowing from dependence on the Lord.
Being resolved to part with the Presbytery of Stirling in a little time, I had also got over the perplexity by the strait aforesaid, how to dispose of myself next, resigning the matter freely to the Lord; till on April 20, it began to recur. I considered then the two words given me at the North Ferry, viz. Zech. 4:6, and Dan. 1:11, that the former was accomplished already, in the manner of my deliverance from the northern mission, and hoping the latter would be accomplished too in its time. And that very day, in the afternoon, I received a letter from my father, desiring me, on the account of private affairs, to come home. Hereby the Lord himself did seasonably mark out to me my way, in the which he hath by this time fulfilled that word also unto me.
About this time began a second alteration in the strain of my preaching, which by degrees, though with much difficulty in the way thereof, ripened into a more clear uptaking of the doctrine of the gospel; which by the mercy of God I arrived at, after my settlement in Simprin. Having been at Barhill on the 11th, I heard at Culross a week-day's sermon, on the excellency of Christ, from Phil. 3:8, by Mr. Mair; and thereafter was entertained by him with edifying discourse suitable thereto. Upon the back of this, I sometimes thought I had preached but too little of Christ, which I would have been content to have reformed. On the 18th I went to God, and begged an answer of some suits I had had long depending before the
throne of grace; which were especially two. the one was, That I might see Christ by a spiritual illumination, with more fulness of the evidence requisite to believing on him, according to that word; John 6:40, "That every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him;" to a particular notice of which passage, I had sometime or other, been led by Mr. Mair's means also. The other was, that I might be helped to live, by faith, above the world. On the morrow after, as I arose, I thought on these words; Psalm 105:13–15; and the view of the Lord's concern about his people, in all their removes, was sweet. After which, going to prayer, the Lord was with me in it. My soul went out in love to Christ, followed hard after him, and I saw much content, delight, and sweet in him. The issue hereof was, that I found myself somewhat helped to believe; the which, though it carried me not so far above the world as I would fain have been, yet it rendered the world in some sort contemptible in mine eyes; and I found my heart desirous to preach Christ's fulness, his being "all, and in all."
This issued in my being determined, on the 21st, to that text; Matth. 13:45, 46, unto which I addressed myself, after bemoaning, before the Lord, my ignorance of Christ, and begging the revealing of him to me; being convinced I was but a child in that matter, yet seeing it my duty to preach him. Having entered upon it, I saw it a very full text; but going on in it, I found myself dry and barren upon it; which left me much dejected, seeing I could not preach Christ, and beholding much of my ignorance of him. On the morrow I got more light, ease, and insight into the excellency of Christ, from the Lord. And reading in my ordinary thereafter, I fell on that Col. 4:3, 4, which afforded me this instruction, That whereas I had been discouraged, for that I could not preach Christ: I saw it indeed a mystery; and such a one as the great apostle found a need of the prayers of the saints, that he might be enabled to preach it. I saw the preaching of Christ to be the most difficult thing; for that though the whole world is full of wonders, yet here are depths beyond all. I was to preach in Clackmannan, where most were for for me to be their minister, and some that had the greatest power were against me, as it ordinarily fared with me in the places where I used to preach. On the Saturday's
afternoon there comes a letter to my hand, desiring me to give the one half of the day to one Mr. J. G., whom those that were against me had an eye upon. The letter I received contentedly, granted the desire of it, and blessed the Lord for it. In these circumstances, seeing what hazard I was in of an evil eye, I committed my heart to the Lord, that I might be helped to carry evenly. I cried to the Lord for it; and got that word, "My grace shall be sufficient for thee." Sabbath morning I found in myself a great desire to love Christ, and to be concerned solely for his glory; and prayed to that effect, not without some success. He got the forenoon, for so it was desired by them. I was helped to join in prayer, was much edified both by his lecture and sermon, and I sung with a sweet frame after sermon; yet in the time I was thrice assaulted with the temptation I feared; but looking up to the Lord, got it repulsed in some measure; and found my soul desirous that people should get good, soul-good, of what was very seriously, pathetically, and judiciously said to us by the godly young man. Betwixt sermons I got a sight of my own emptiness, and then prayed and preached in the afternoon with very much help from the Lord. Yet, for all that, I wanted not some levity of spirit; which poison my heart sucked out of that sweet flower. When I came home, my heart was in a manner enraged against my heart on this account, and I confessed it before the Lord, abhorring myself, appealing to God's omniscience, that I would fain have had it otherwise, and would have been heartily content to have sold my own credit in the matter for the glory of Christ. As I was complaining that Satan had winnowed me, and brought forth much filthy staff out of my heart, notwithstanding all my prayers, &c. it came into my mind, how Christ said to Peter, "Simon, Satan hath desired to have thee, that he may sift you as wheat; but I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not;" and yet Peter denied him, even with oaths, on a very silly temptation. This was comfortable. There were four things suggested to me in the morning, as antidotes againt the temptation; whereof this was one, That I was conscious to myself of my being unwilling to engage with such a post, in regard of my unfitness for it, though they were all willing. In the evening, while I sat musing on what I had been preaching, viz. That the soul that has got a true discovery of
Christ will be satisfied with him alone, I proposed the question to myself, Art thou content with Christ alone? wouldst thou be satisfied with Christ as thy portion, though there were no hell to be saved from? and my soul answered, Yes. I asked myself further, Supposing that, wouldst thou be content with him, though likewise thou shouldst lose credit and reputation, and meet with trouble for his sake? My soul answered, Yes. Such is my hatred of sin, and my love to Christ. This was the last sermon I preached in that place, for I was going out of that country; and neither of us two was the person God designed for the place.
On the 30th I preached at Dollar. The work being closed, thinking with myself, while yet in the pulpit, that might be the last of my preaching there, as it indeed proved to be, with my eyes lifted up towards heaven, I looked unto the Lord, comforting myself, that I had declared to that people the whose counsel of God, as he had given it me; the which was sweeter to me than their stipend would have been, got by following some advices given me as above mentioned. I lodged in the house of Simon Drysdale, who regretted the Presbytery's untenderuess in their case; and on the morrow came to me James Kirk, with other three of the elders, who shewed their concern in the account of my departure, and withal their continued resolution to prosecute the design of my settlement among them, still regretting the Presbytery's slipping the occasion that was in their hands, and shewing that their two neighbouring ministers, on the west and east, were and had been their enemies in the design. The same week Mr. Turnbull told me, that the Presbytery might, and, if they would take his advice, should go on, withal complaining somewhat of them in the matter; so that by him, as well as the people, the blame of the marring of the settlement, so far, was laid at their door. Perhaps the trouble they had by Mr. Mair, in Airth, on the strict side, made them the more wary as to me, though I never entertained separating principles.
I had the comfort of the testimony of judicious Christians, that my work in that country, and particularly in that parish, was not in vain
in the Lord; and found from several persons, that the Lord had made the word in my mouth to reach their own case, and to be a discerner of the thoughts of their hearts. The same which, it seems, fell out in the case of some others, who knew not so well how the word was directed; whereof a judicious Christian gave me this instance, namely, that discoursing with a certain man in Dollar, whom he knew to be of a violent disposition against Presbyterian preachers, and expected accordingly to find ruffled by the sermons on the fastday; he, on the contrary, found him to shew a liking of me, especially by reason of these sermons, for that they had let him see things to be sin which he never thought before had been so. Moreover, he said, I had great skill, and told things strangely, even some things which he thought no body knew, and that he wondered who could tell me; and that if William (his son I suppose) had been any way abroad, he would have thought he had told me. His wife signified, that some of the parish said, I had more wit than my own. These things were encouraging to me, as they discovered the character of the Lord's word in my preaching, namely, that it is "a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
May 3.—The Presbytery granted me testimonials, I promising tosatisfy them if they should write for me, probable grounds of encouragement appearing; and they appointed a minister to preach at Dollar on the Sabbath was twenty days, and, on the Tuesday following, to moderate in a call there. On the 8th I took my journey, having had an affecting parting with several Christian friends; and some truly it was no small part of my grief, if not the greatest to leave serious souls, whom God had made me an instrument of good to, and to whose prayers I doubt not but I was obliged. I came that day to Barhill, where, upon some event or other I cannot now find, I thought I saw an end of all perfection, and that nothing was satisfying without Christ. I think it has been, that having my friend to part with, added to the weight on me in leaving that country. However it was, the impression lasted with me many days thereafter. On the morrow I went to Edinburgh, and the day following got home to Dunse; which, when I saw it, was terrible unto me, my inclination
not being towards that country; but thither the Lord led me unto the bounds of my habitation before appointed.
PERIOD VI
FROM MY RETURN UNTO THE MERSE,
TO MY ORDINATION TO THE HOLY
MINISTRY AT SIMPRIN
BEING thus returned home again, I had no occasion to go out of the town above a mile, until four Sabbaths were past; and during that time, in the end of May and beginning of June, the thoughts of my uselessness were very heavy to me; which put me to beg of God an opportunity to serve him, whatever pains it should cost me to accomplish it. Howbeit I was not altogether idle on Lord's days, being employed mostly in Dunse, and once in Langton.
While this lay upon me as the main weight, I found myself beset with several other difficulties. The unacquaintedness of most of my friends with religion was grievous, and made their conversation but uncomfortable; but my eldest brother Andrew, being a judicious man, and of experience in religion, was often refreshful to me. I had no heart to visit the ministers, knowing none of them I could unbosom myself to, save Mr. Colden at Dunse, and Mr. Dysert at Coldingham. The binding at my breast had returned, and I was seized with pains in my back, and in the hinder part of my head, so that I began to apprehend my time in the world might not be long; and on that occasion I found I had some evidences for the better world, and was somewhat submissive to the divine disposal, in the case as it appeared. Withal the consideration of the case of the land was heavy on me, and I had a sorry prospect of what might be to come, so that I judged them happy, who, having done their work in the vineyard, were called home, and not made to see the dishonour done to God amongst us. Wherefore I was desirous to be out of my native country again, and wished for a providential relief. But by a letter from a friend, shewing that the business of Dollar was like to
succeed, I found that I behoved to continue yet a while where I was on the account thereof.
It now lay heavy on my spirit at several times, as above noticed, that I was cast out of a corner, in which the Lord was pleased to make use of me, and own me with some success in his work, into another corner where I had nothing to do. This occasioned variety of perplexing thoughts. I inquired what might be the Lord's end in it, and nothing doubted but that I was called to leave that place, from whence I came. May 25, in prayer it was suggested to me, that God had so dealt with me, for my former levity, and misimproving his help given me in preaching; for which I endeavoured to be humble. On the 26th, I had engaged to lecture next Sabbath for Mr. Colden. Finding my heart disposed for prayer, light from the Lord in two or three particulars was much in my eye. In prayer I had a frame from the Lord, serious, earnest, depending, bare, and laid open to hearken to the counsel of God. Before I came to pray for what I should lecture on, my heart was raised to an admiration of, and love to Christ, and desire to commend him; and it was laid before me as my duty to lecture on Psalm 45 and this with life and elevation of my spirit, which continued with me when I prayed for the lecture. Thinking on this after prayer, I began to suspect that light; because it came before I had prayed for it, expressly at least. But considering that I went to God for light in it, and considering that passage, Isa. 65:24, and finding my inclination to commend Christ remain, I was satisfied. There was a second point in my eye, which still remained dark; and therefore I went back purposely to God for it. I found my heart in prayer much going out in love to Christ; my heart was knit to him as the dearly beloved of my soul; which made me to express my love to Christ, not in an ordinary way, as I used to do. I was helped to depend, and got strength to my heart to wait for light in it. And the nature of it was such, that it might bear a delay. As for the third point, it was not ripe, and I could but table it before the Lord. The Lord was not wanting to me in the delivery of that lecture.
In the meantime, my settling in Simprin had been first moved to me on May 19, in Mr. Colden's house, by his wife, in his presence; and that, till another occasion should offer. He seemed to me not to have confidence directly to propose it; but told me, the stipend was five chalders of victual, and 80 merks. But as I never durst entertain the thoughts of settling with such a design, I shewed that I had no mind to engage with any but such as I might continue with. Thinking afterwards on these things by myself, I found no great unwillingness to venture on the stipend; the rather, that my father having disponed his interest in Dunse to me, I reckoned I would have about £100 Scots yearly there; but the people being only about ninety in number, and in a quite other situation than the parish of Abbay, I found I could have no heart to them. On the 26th again, Mr. Colden proposed to me, that if I would settle there, he would write for that effect to Langton, to whom the parish entirely belonged. I told him, that for me to say so, would be to cut off all future deliberation, which was what I had no freedom to do; the which he acknowledged to be true, and therefore urged me not. That worthy man was indeed concerned for me, and told me, he was persuaded God had thoughts of good towards me; and that, notwithstanding all the difficulties that had cast up in the way of my settlement, the event would be to the glory of God, and comfortable to myself. And therein he was not mistaken. In this his concern for me, he took me to Coldingham, June 8, to see Mr. Dysart, who formerly had been minister of Langton. There they concerted to move for that settlement; and in consequence thereof Mr. Dysert wrote to the elders to Simprin, to that effect. And judging the matter might easily be compassed, they told me that I might be settled in Simprin, if I would. But having heard them speak of the vacancies in Galloway, and that I was particularly desired by some there, I thereupon found an inclination to go to that country, if I should not be called back for Dollar. The letter to the elders of Simprin, as aforesaid, was unadvisedly put in my hand to dispatch; which I, not having confidence, it seems, to refuse it, did receive; but it was never delivered, for afterwards I tore it in pieces. And this their conduct could hardly have had a different issue, according to the principles by which I steered my course, that
justly made all activity in procuring my own settlement frightful to me.
The bent of my heart to preach Christ continued all along, from the time above mentioned, as I had opportunity; but for a considerable time I met with many rubs in my way. On the 2d of June after prayer for a text, and help to study, I could fix on none, though I sought it till my body was weary, and my spirit much dejected. Next morning my darkness remained, and nothing could gain clearness to me. Thus my heart being dejected through desertion, I went to prayer again; but my very heart and flesh were like to faint. Such was the grief of my heart, that I could not speak a word to God, after I had begun, but groaned to the Lord; I got words again, but was interrupted the same way, not being able to speak. I saw the misimprovement of former help still to be the cause of the Lord's pleading with me; but having so often confessed it, being grieved for it, &c. I thought there behoved to be something else; and some other thing I suspected, but could not fix on it. I thought I was most unworthy to be a preacher, and that it would be well done to silence me, as ignorant of the mystery of Christ; for, from the beginning of this exercise, it was always in my heart to preach Christ, and denying of ourselves to all things but Christ; and though it succeeded ill with me, I durst not change my purpose. My soul being somewhat encouraged by that word, Matth. 11:28, "Come unto me, all ye that labour," &c., I was helped to believe in some measure, and conversed with God in prayer, and that word was brought to my mind for a text; Psalm 73:25, "Whom have I in heaven but thee?" &c. I had much difficulty in my studies on it. The word read in the ordinary at eveningexercise, came pat to my case with a check; Heb. 12:5, "My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord," &c. My dejected frame of spirit often recurred, and was with me on the Lord's day morning, June 4; at which time, in prayer, the Lord put in his hand at the hole of the lock, and my bowels moved for him; my heart was touched, and in a mournful mood I cried to him. Some time after I found I could not believe; and how shall I preach? thought I; yet I thought I would venture, and lean on Christ; and this I thought was faith,
notwithstanding my former denial. In the forenoon, I thought my heart was very unwieldy. In the afternoon I had several ups and downs in the very time of the work. My soul bear me witness, that I was not satisfied with ordinances without Christ. And after all was over, in my retirement, I was clear, in that, though I many times fear I have never yet got a sufficient discovery of Christ, yet whatever discovery I have had of him, I was satisfied to take Christ alone, and that I could not be satisfied without him, though I had the whole world, yea heaven itself. The Lord gave me such a sight of my own vileness, that when I looked to myself in that pulpit, I loathed myself, as unworthy to have been there with such a whole heart, and without right uptakings of Christ. I examined myself on my desire of Christ, saying, What if it be merely from an enlightened conscience? but my soul said, it would desire him, though there were no fear of wrath; and though (per impossibile) I had a dispensation for my most beloved lusts, I would not desire to make use of it. I thought I loved him for himself. I preached this day in Langton; and after the evening exercise Mr. Dysert said to me, You would have done better to have gone to the west, beside Mr. Murray, for there you would have got a kirk. My proud heart took this ill, and I had a secret dissatisfaction with my own lot, in that I was not settled. Reflecting upon this in secret, I observed, how in three things, since I came to this country, Satan has overcome me, even in those things that I preached against. 1. Preaching at Dunse, I preached against immoderate sleep as a great waster of time; and quickly after I fell in to this. 2. Last Thursday I preached, that unwatchfulness was the cause why it is not with God's people as in times past; and the very same night my heart fell a-roving. 3. At this evening exercise I lectured on Heb. 13 and particularly that word, "Be content with such things as ye have;" and immediately after this, dissatisfaction seized me, for which my heart abhors my heart. Wherefore being convinced of my danger, I resolved, in the Lord's strength, from henceforth to make my sermons the subject of my Sabbath-night's meditation, and so to improve them for myself. The sermon I found was not lost as to some others.
I was also extremely hard put to it the week following, after my return from Coldingham, insomuch as having attempted to study Cant. 1:3, I was obliged to give it over, and fall on Luke 13:24. By this means, preaching became, in a sort, a terror to me; so that on the 14th I quite declined preaching the week-day's sermon for Mr. Colden. The reason of which being asked by Mr. Balfour above mentioned, as he and I were walking alone by the way; I freely told him, that preaching was become another kind of task to me, than sometime it had been; that I was discouraged, through the straitening I found as to the preaching of Christ, arguing my ignorance of Christ; the which ignorance of Christ, in the very time I was speaking this, was most grievous to my soul; to that degree, that my very body was affected, and my legs began to tremble beneath me. He said, it was an eager temptation, to drive me off from preaching Christ. Parting with him, I came home very sorrowful, yet looking upward, seeing the emptiness of all things besides Christ, or without him. The Lord was pleased to lay bands on my unstable heart, till I got my case shewed before him; and he let mo see my need of Christ, and I began to apply the word, Matth. 5:3, "Blessed are the poor in spirit." The Lord shewed me the vanity of health, wealth, &c., and made my soul prefer Christ to them all; and indeed I contemned all things in comparison of him, yea even heaven itself. I sung with my heart, Psalm 40:11, and downwards, and in prayer pleaded the promise with some confidence; being resolute for Christ, and that no other thing should ever satisfy me. On the morrow, the Lord helped me to apply the promise; Isa. 57:15, cited by Mr. Colden in his sermon; the very reading of the words, "to revive the heart of the humble," was reviving to my soul, which saw its own emptiness. That straitening aforesaid sometime seemed to me to say, that for all the motion made for my settlement in my native country, I behoved not to think of settling in it, where I was thus hardly bestead as to the preaching of the word. But the issue of this exercise was, that I was made less concerned, how I might be disposed of as to my settlement; not caring what place I should go to, so that I got Christ; and my soul said to him, "Set me as a seal on thine heart, as a seal on thine arm!" On the 18th, preaching at Berwick, my subject was, a
discovery of Christ made to the soul; and in the study of it I was not straitened; but in the delivery of it I was so deserted; that in my retirement after, I had most heavy thoughts of my unworthiness, and unfitness for the great work of preaching Christ. In like manner, after the communion at Coldingham, where I preached on Saturday, and Sabbath afternoon without; I was pressed with a sense of my insufficiency for that work, that heaven was very desirable to me; withal I was but little edified with one of the sermons I heard on the Monday, there appearing too little of Christ in it.
Thus it pleased the Lord to humble me to the dust, and to empty me of myself, with respect to the great mystery of Christ; and to give my heart a particular set and cast towards it, which hath continued with me to this day; and shall, I hope, to the end, that I get within the vail.
I had on the 15th received a letter, shewing, that, on the day appointed, the votes had been gathered at Dollar; and that, about three of the malignant party and three of the elders being excepted, they were all with one voice for me to be their minister; but that, notwithstanding, the Presbytery had still some dependence on Argyle in the matter. This account of the state of that affair, as being yet undetermined, was straitening to me; inasmuch as it obliged me to continue a while longer in the Merse, which I could not well do.
June 22.—Having been for some time in great deadness, this morning I had a kind of impulse to pray, with a willingness in my soul to go to duty; and having found by several sad experiences the danger of delays, with all speed I embraced the motion; and the Lord revived me, in so far that my heart and flesh longed for the living God, and cried out for him as the dry parched ground for rain. The Lord loosed my bands; and though I studied the sermon I preached this day, being the weekly sermon at Dunse, in very bad case; yet he was with me in preaching it, and the Spirit did blow on my soul, both in public and in secret thereafter; so that my heart loves Christ.
On the morrow my frame lasted; and being to go to the sacrament at Coldingham, I saw my hazard from my malicious enemy, that he would be fair to assault me before such an occasion. I thought I endeavoured to commit my heart to the Lord. But, alas! that which I feared came upon me; which brought me to a sad pass; my confidence in prayer was marred; my guilt stuck close to me, and cost me much struggling by the way as I went to Coldingham, so that I will not forget the pitiful case I was in while going through the whinny moor. I made use of and endeavoured to apply that word, "I, even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions" &c. which did some what stay my soul. I went halting all the day; but at evening exercise, to which I went with a deep sense of my unworthiness, the Lord loosed all my bands. But another sharp trial followed, a great fear that Satan might as before give me another bruise. I went to God with it, prayed for a word of promise to grip to for security; and when I arose from my knees, that word, Isa. 26:3, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace," &c., came to me with some life and support to my soul, and was afterwards sweetly made out to me.
July 2.—Preaching in a certain place, after supper the mistress of the house told me, that I had put not only those that never know any thing of God in the mist, but even terrified such as had known him. This was by my doctriue of coming out of self-love, selfrighteousness, self-ends, privileges, duties, &c. She restrained hypocrites to that sort that do all things to be seen of men; thought it strange for people to think of meriting any thing at the hand of God, or that hypocrites would crush inward evil thoughts; and harped much on that, How can it be that one can be a hypocrite, and yet hate hypocrisy in others; that one could be a hypocrite, and not know himself to be a hypocrite? I have been preaching much this long time to drive people out of themselves to Christ, and this let me see the need of such doctrine.
In the beginning of that month, no word being come from the Presbytery of Stirling, I had laid my plot to remove; and first to go to that country upon business, and then to Galloway. Meanwhile the
Presbytery, whe met at Churnside on the 4th, had desired me to preach at Siraprin the following Lord's day; to which I consented, being to continue in the country till the Sabbath was over, and no where else engaged.
July 6.—Yesterday and this morning there was in my heart a great averseness to duty. I heard Mr. Colden's weekly sermon, and got several checks and rebukes from it. The psalm we sung held my sin before my eyes. After dinner I began seriously to reflect on my case. I dragged myself to prayer, but it was a strange exercise to me. Many sad halts I made in it. I saw my dreadful departings from the Lord, so that I durst scarcely seek any thing of God, and not but with great difficulty seek a crumb of mercy, or that the Lord would take away this averseness from duty. I remember I was going to seek one drop of Christ's blood for my miserable soul, but with horror of mind, and a shivering of my very body, I durst not ask it. I thought I would have been content to have been revenged on myself, and to have put a penknife into my heart. I laid myself down before the Lord, desiring him to do with me what he pleased, though it were to make me a monument of his indignation. Afterwards I sat and walked like one out of his wits, took up the Bible to read, and that word at the first met me; Jer. 8:9, "The wise men are ashamed," &c. This put me to a sad pass. I turned to my ordinary; but there was no help. Afterwards I was saying within myself, O what will the Lord do with me? and that word came into my mind; Isa. 49:16, "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands," &c. I frequently rejected it, yet it still returned; at last, thought I, dare I believe it? and by this time I had more uptakings of mercy, went to prayer, and was somewhat helped to believe.
On the 8th, considering the perplexing circumstances I was in, and finding my heart brought to a better temper with respect to them than some time before, I began at night seriously to deliberate how I might carry under them as a Christian; which was continued next morning, being Friday. There were three things I saw weighty in the complication: 1. The broken state of my health; 2. My being in terms
of marriage; 3. No probability of my settlement. To carry Christianity in these perplexing circumstances, I proposed to myself, that I should, 1. Live near God, so as my heart should not have wherewith to reproach me, Job 27:6; Acts 23:1; 2. Beware of anxious thoughts about them; lay them before the Lord in prayer, and leave them on him, trnsting him with him, though in a manner blindly, Phil. 4:6; 3. Believe the promise, that all things should work together for my good, Rom. 8:28; 4. Remember man's extremity is God's opportunity, with my former experiences of the same, Gen. 22:14; 5. Use of the means with dependence on the Lord for success; 6. Be diligent about the work of my station, and ply my studies more closely; and for this end, beware of sleeping too much; Lastly, Not think that, because God doth not presently answer, therefore he will not answer at all, but wait on him; Isa. 28:16; and that if at any time I begin to faint under my difficulties, I should press myself to hang by the promises, remembering the shortness of my time, and that no man knows love or hatred by all that is before him; and should read Heb. 12. And my conscience bare me witness, that to be helped so to live in a course of filial obedience, would be more sweet to me, than to be rid of all these difficulties. These measures thus laid down, I thereafter went to prayer, especially for direction unto a text for Simprin, and help in my studies; and the Lord dealt well with me. I had light and life in prayer, and a contented mind after: and it was but a little ere I fell on that text; John 6:68, "Lord, to whom shall we go?" &c., being still resolved to preach Christ; and I had very satisfying and sweet thoughts on it in the general; but having put off begining my study of it till I should consult the commentary, which I had not by me, I read on in my ordinary, with much edification, especially Deut. 8 and the 2d, 3d, 5th, and 16th verses thereof, particularly, were sweet and seasonable to my soul. These things were dispatched before breakfast in the Friday morning.
And here, I think, was the full sea-mark of my perplexing circumstances aforesaid; at which they did immediately begin to go back, and providence began to open toward my relief, though as yet I perceived it not. But my God had carried them forward to an
extremity, and caused them to appear in their full weight, and had moulded my heart into a calm, contented, and depending frame. And meditating on that, How I should know whether this keeping of my heart under my difficulties was Christian or merely rational, I thought I knew it to be Christian, 1. In that in some measure it was from a sense of the command of God; 2. By means of the promises; 3. I desired it for God's glory, as well as my own good. That word, James 1:4, was brought to me, with a commentary on it, q. d. Wait patiently, and that constantly, till God's time come for deliverance, without which patience is but imperfect. This was occasioned by a petition I had put up in my giving of thanks after breakfast.
Towards the evening of that same day, I understood by a letter, that the business of Dollar was still in agitation; and that they desired me not to dispose of myself otherwise, seeing they were like to succeed in their attempts for my settlement among them; as also, that Mr. William Reid, minister of Dunning, in Strathearn, desired that I should come and stay a while with him, He was a worthy man, one of the old sufferers in the persecution; and had a heavy task in that parish. In the time of the rebelion, several years after this, he was lying a-dying, when the news came in the morning, that that town was to be burnt by the rebels. His afflicted wife being greatly moved, on the account of him, who could not be carried off, while every moment the rebels were expected to execute the fatal design; he comforted her, and bid her be easy, for that they should not have power to hurt a hair of her body. Accordingly his master called him home; he expired, and was in the grave too, before the town was set on fire; being buried in haste, while he was yet almost warm, the melancholy circumstances of the place so requiring. This account his widow gave my wife. Before I came south, he had invited me to the Presbytery, on a design for Auchterarder, then vacant; but I could not then answer the invitation. This being now providentially laid before me, I went to God for direction in it, being laid open to his determination, and helped to trust him for light. Thereafter considering of it, there was one scruple in the way of that motion that
I could not get over, viz. that it might be constructed a-going to seek and hang on the parish of Dollar.
And on the morrow, before I went off to Simprin, I received a letter from Mr. Robert Stark, minister at Stenton, in East Lothian, proposing to me to go to the north for the Presbytery of Dunbar, and inviting me to the communion in his parish, on the Sabbath was fourteen days after; and Mr. Colden invited me to preach at Dunse the Sabbath preceding that, though in the event I preached that day at Eccles. This conduct of providence laying work to my hand in the country, considered with my other circumstances, was a plain stop to my design of removing at the time I had determined, and was determining me to stay at least for that time. But for several obvious reasons, I hearkened not to the proposal relative to going to the north.
After some necessary business dispatched, I prayed with confidence for what I asked; and having made myself ready, and devoted myself to the Lord, I went towards Simprin, my heart being heavenly, and tending upward, by the way. I find I have, in the memoirs of that day, called the religious action used before I went away, by the name of devoting myself to the Lord; and though I have now no distinct remembrance of the thing, yet I judge, that, had it been no more but committing myself to him as usually, I would not have so expressed it; and that it has indeed been such an action, as the word bears, an action very suitable to the way the Lord was leading me, however unknown to me. That night, being at Simprin, I found once a desire to be very remote, and in an inconsiderable post, and even a kind of content to be posted there; and this, I think, was an effect of my looking on the vanity of the world; but that lasted not. The day before, ere I entered on the study of my text, I had a temptation, not to enter on that great text in such a mean place as Simprin, but to reserve it for some other place; but repelled it as a temptation indeed. I was obliged to enter on the study of it, without seeing any commentary upon it; afterward I saw two; but both were unsatisfying, and mainly served to confirm me in the great purpose
thereof. The Lord was gracious to me in the address I made to him, with respect to my study; and I had advantage to my own soul, by getting a view of the emptiness of all things besides Christ, and thereby seeing him more precious. On the Sabbath morning I had a desire after Christ, and his presence in ordinances; but was somewhat discouraged with the prospect of a small congregation. In the forenoon I was solidly in earnest in my discourse, but without the least moving of affections as at other times; but the unbeseeming carriage of the people, few as they were, partly by going out, was very discouraging. I had never preached there before; and after the forenoon sermon, I thought I could not like to preach to so few; but in the afternoon, the Spirit blowing somewhat on me, I had forgot almost whether they were many or few. At night the two elders proposed my settling with them, and desired my consent; which I told them I could give to none before a call. And that night I found my heart somewhat inclined to embrace that charge; but they seemed not to be very pressing. I note the circumstances of this affair so very minutely, because the event shewed, that much depended thereon, and that that was the place determined of God for the bounds of my habitation; and in this progress towards that event, there was an emblem and pledge of what I afterward met with during the time I was minister there.
On the Wednesday morning after, Mr. Colden coming to my chamber, seemed to approve of my going to Galloway; but did not once ask me, what I thought of Simprin, or how I stood affected to it; but being but little moved towards it, that could not much affect me. A little after, one of the parish came and told me, that he had spoke with Langton, who shewed a forwardness for my settlement there; and in the evening, Mr. Colden and Mr. Balfour came and told me, that Langton and the parish of Simprin minded to give me a call, but feared they would not get me; to which I answered, with an air of indifference. Well, let them be doing. But, according to my manner of too great thoughtfulness on matters of weight once set before me, I could sleep none at all that night, though I was to preach the week day's sermon on the morrow. On Saturday's morning, Mr. Colden
told me plainly, that it was not his desire I should settle in Simprin, because I would have so little opportunity to do service there; yet concluded the necessity of walking by the determination of Providence. In the afternoon I went to Eccles.
In the Sabbath morning at Eccles, July 16, I was concerned rather about how to preach, than what; had a prospect of great difficulties in a little to be encountered; Stenton communion approaching, the business of Simprin now in motion, and the affair of Dollar in I knew not what state, together with other straitening circumstances. Fearing lest these should make a deep mire for me, drove me nearer to God, sensible of my need of a token for good from him in such a situation. And I had some help from Cant. 8:5, "Who is this that cometh up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved?" and Isa. 61:8, "I will direct their work in truth." I had that day much help, light, and life, in delivering the word; and my heart was wound up in prayer, elevated, and entirely set on the work. The two Sabbaths immediately preceding, I had in converse discovered, in professors of religion, much unacquaintedness with Christ, and with their own hearts, particularly as to the legal bias thereof; which occasioned my preaching the week-day's sermon aforesaid, on Deut. 9:6. And this Sabbath, in converse with a professor, I saw the pride of my own heart, the levity of others, with little appearance of the power of religion; which made me sadly to fear settling in the Merse; where I found I could meet with few exercised to godliness, and made partakers of the knowledge of Christ.
July 22.—Being at Stenton, and in good case spiritually, by reason of the Lord's helping me to right uptakings of himself in some measure, and dealing bountifully with me in prayer, I was attacked with discouragement upon the prospect of my difficulties; which sent me to the Lord, and I got some help. I heard the sermons preparatory for the sacrament in some good frame; but near the close of the last prayer, thoughts of my difficulties bore in themselves on me; which, as they came, I rejected again and again; and after these repulses they got, I became more serious. But Satan, who was in earnest,
would not let me pass so; but in came other thoughts, which raised my heart into a violent passion, and in a strange manner I rejected them, repelling one sin with another, wishing evil to the person of whom I thought. This wish came in most suddenly upon me as lightning, and did very much confuse me, was heavy to me, and marred my confidence with the Lord. So when I came in from the kirk, I was most ugly and hell-hued in my own eyes, and verily believe there was none so unworthy as I. Then my heart-monsters, pride, worldly-mindedness, discontent, &c., stared me in the face, and my poor heart was overwhelmed with sorrow. In the meantime that word, Isa. 41:17, 18, "When the poor and needy seek water," &c., came sweetly to me, and was a little supporting; but I found it a great difficulty to believe. Being diverted, much of this wore off my spirit, and a dreadful deadness succeeded. Tomorrow morning I got a revival; and through the day, for the most part, it was not very ill. But being to preach without in the afternoon, I got up to Mr. Stark's garret betwixt sermons, and at the south-east corner of it, I conversed with Christ, and it was a Bethel to me. Long-looked for came at last. If ever poor I had communion with God, it was in that place. The remembrance of it melts my heart at the writing hereof. And accordingly my public work was sweet; for God was with me, and, as I learned afterwards, it wanted not some success. God's voice was discerned in it. I shall only remark further, that at the communion-table I mainly sought, not comfort but grace and strength against corruptions. I got both in some measure.
I had determined to go from Stenton to Clackmannan-shire; and coming home on the Monday, I received a letter from thence, advising, that the elders of Dollar had applied once and again to the Presbytery; but nothing could prevail with them, till the parish should get a new consent from Argyle. This confirmed me in my purpose, as shewing the Presbytery not to be fond of my settling there, nay, nor in earnest for it. I went to God for help, to carry right in my difficulties; and was encouraged. After which, providentially falling on "Flavel's Mystery of Providence," I got my own case seasonably discussed therein, p. 201. And by the means of
resignation there proposed, I endeavoured to bring my heart to that disposition; and so went to prayer with confidence in the Lord. I found also spiritual advantage in this case, by reflecting on former experiences; so that I came to be content to follow the Lord implicitly, as "Abraham went, not knowing whither he went."
That afternoon, being at Langton, Mr. Balfour told me, that the laird had not taken the method laid down by Mr. Colden and him; whereby the call of Simprin might have been before the Presbytery that day fortnight; and thereby I saw, that I would not know before I went to Lothian, whether that affair would issue in a call or not. Coming along the way with Mr. N—— H——, then minister of Preston, a man of great parts, but not proportionable tenderness and now several years ago deposed, I was much satisfied with his converse; so that the night was far spent ere we parted. And as we were about to part, he told me of a design some had for another to Simprin; with which I was surprised and amazed; but in the progress of our discourse, I found that design to be, only in case I would not accept. Whereupon he advised me to accept, and was against going to Galloway. After I came home, reflecting on these two things, I took both of them to be intended by providence, letting me see what were my thoughts under both, to clear me towards accepting of the call of Simprin, if offered. That night I lay down, meditating on that word, "Abraham went out, not knowing whither he went."
On the morrow after, conferring with Mr. Balfour, we judged the affair of Simprin could now hardly be expeded before Michaelmas. And finding the hardship of my being in a fixed charge, for a whole year, without receiving any stipend, which in that event behoved to be the case, would render my settling there at all impracticable; I thought it necessary to intimate the same to Mr. Dysert before I went out of the country.
Next day, being the 20th, I began to study for Stenton communion, having the night before gone to God for a text, with confidence and particular trust; and in a little got one; being to go away the following
day. But betwixt ten and eleven, forenoon, I was sent for to a monthly meeting for prayer, at Polwarth, two miles from Dunse. Being strained with this message, I laid it before the Lord, and was determined to go; considering that the day and way were ordinarily alike long with me, as it has continued to be in my experience to this day; and judging that my spirit might thereby be more fitted for that communion-work; and that going at God's call I might expect necessary furniture for what I had to do after. Accordingly I went away, studied by the way a part of the forenoon's sermon was countenanced by the Lord there, and returned home again about six o'clock. I completed what I minded to deliver, before or in time of the action; and having prayed again, went on and studied the sermon to be delivered after the action, without, having burnt a candle. Thus as much was got done, as I would have done had I been no where abroad that day. I found my spirit bettered by all, my soul somewhat heavenly, and raised towards the Lord; I saw it was good to follow duty, and trust God; and that it is "not by might nor by power," but by the "Spirit" of the Lord, things are got comfortably done.
On the 21st I went to Stenton, where that night, in meditation, I got a view of the transcendent glory and excellency of Christ, with the emptiness of all things besides him; and the desire of my heart was towards him. How it fared with me at that communion, I have related above. Under the deadness there mentioned, which was on the Saturday's night, being to make public exercise in the kirk, I went to secret prayer; but really could not pray, yea, not so much as groan sensibly unto the Lord; only I was sensible of my hardness of heart, and in a sort grieved for the Lord's absence. So entering on the work in this heavy case, the tears broke out with me; but all along I was under desertion. When I came in from that exercise, I went to prayer; but could not pray; and joined but very lifelessly in family prayer. But afterwards reading over my notes, which were on Jer. 29:13, "And ye shall seek me, and find me," &c. I got somewhat above that deadness, and reached to some confidence in the Lord in prayer. The Lord lifted me up in that place; but thus low was I laid before it. Sitting down at the Lord's table on the morrow, I took it for a sure
sign I should yet sit down at the table above; and among other particular requests there, I had one for light in the call of Simprin, if offered; and came away with hope, but no more. The remaining part of the night, after the happy afternoon's work and entertainment mentioned above, I was kept in a heavenly frame, with love to Christ, and admiration of his goodness, loving the very place where he manifested himself. And on the morrow having insisted on the requests I had at the table, I found afterwards the Lord had made my soul satisfied, as to what way he might dispose of me, especially with respect to Siraprin.
Being resolved to go from Stenton as above said, on that Monday's afternoon, Mr. Stark having given me a compliment of two dollars, and the use of his horse for my journey, I went to Edinburgh; and being engaged to return on Saturday, and in the morning sought of the Lord a text for the following Sabbath, I did by the way think on and get some insight into Psalm 119:32, "I will run the way of thy commandments, when thou shalt enlarge my heart." On Tuesday I went to Barhill; and on "Wednesday to Clackmannanshire, where I met with one of my correspondents, who told me, that the elders of Dollar, whom he had discharged to come near me, were wrestling as eagerly as ever to accomplish their designs, and were waiting the return of a letter to Argyle. I shewed him my situation, and committed to one to shew the Presbytery of Stirling, that I looked on myself as absolved from my promise to them. On the Tuesday I went back to Barhill, on the morrow after to Edinburgh, and returned to Stenton on Saturday about four o'clock. Mr. Stark had come back from some intended journey, but would take no part of the Sabbath's work; so after prayer, being cleared and satisfied as to the text aforesaid, I studied my sermons with ease in the space of little more than three hours; the Lord laying things to my hand, and that with enlargement of heart. So still day and way were alike long; and I had much of the Lord's help in the whole Sabbath's work.
On the morrow, Mr. Stark invited me to go next day to their Presbytery of Dunbar, on design I might be appointed to preach at
Innerwick a day, then vacant. I had some difficulty about it, in respect of my situation; but endeavoured to consult God in it once and again; and was cleared, that my staying another week in Lothian, would be more useful than going home; but referred the full determination of the point aforesaid till the morrow. Which day proved rainy; and Mr. Stark went off, without moving again my going along; this I took in ill part, not knowing the kind design of Providence therein. There Mr. Stark having moved for my preaching at Innerwick, it was opposed, particularly by Mr. John Forrest, an old man, and rejected, on pretence, they had not seen my licence. Some time after, the Lady Presmennan, she took occasion to clear herself of her having taken any offence at my afternoon sermon without on the communion day, injuriously imputed to her; but declared, that at the Monday's dinner she did say to Mr. Forrest, she thought the covenant would be up yet. This seemed to point at the spring of the opposition to the motion foresaid.
I had been much satisfied in converse with some serious Christians in that country; and esteeming the Merse an overgrown piece of the vineyard, there sat down on my spirit a great aversion to settling in it; insomuch that I prayed against it, but with submission.
In the middle of the week, one came from Dunbar inviting me thither, intimating to me the desire of some to see me there. I went along with him, and spent the time in visits; but mostly with Bailie Kellie, who was in distress, and conversed suitably as a good man. At night several coming in to the exercise, I lectured. There was an Episcopal incumbent then in their kirk; and the Presbyserians had a meeting-house. This meeting-house they proposed to me, and urged; but finding that their preacher was to continue in the character of a probationer, while with them, I could not relish the motion; and their Presbytery's coldness to me justified the refusal.
On Saturday August 5, being at Stenton, where I was to preach on the morrow, after I had begun my studies, we were called to familyworship. Being desired, I prayed with composure for a while; but
being in the kitchen, where was a great heat, my heart began to fail, so that I was obliged to break off; and going straight to the door for air, fainted away. Lying in which case I lifted up my heart to the Lord, boding kindness on him; recovered and was eased by vomiting, as usual. I had rested little that week, but had been riding hither and thither; which kind of tossing I have seldom been the better of. Being confused through the remains of my indisposition, my studies took all my time. Meantime this new experience of my frailty, made the little charge of Simprin more acceptable to me. Sabbath forenoon I was indisposed both in body and spirit, yet had some help of the Lord. Betwixt sermons I cried for an alteration, and got it, both in body and spirit; and was helped to express matters of some difficulty, with that distinctness, which I was sure I could not have treated of them in private. Hereof I had then had frequent experience, and since too.
On the morrow, August 7, being to return home, I was comforted by a Christian woman, goodwife of Roughlaw, blessing God that ever she saw me, and shewing that never one had read her case, as the Lord had helped me to do, in my sermons first and last. At parting she put in my pocket about 2s. sterling, which I value as a token of Christian affection. That night I came to Dunse.
And thus, after all my perplexity, when the matter was brought to the utmost pinch, kind providence opened an unexpected way for expediting one part of my design; and removed the other, viz. the going to Galloway, much out of my view. I was, after great straitening, liberally provided for, beyond expectation. And the Lord's making my itinerant labours, not unsuccessful, but useful at least to his own, and giving me a large room in their affections, afforded me a satisfaction, which I thought might be an equivalent of the comfort of a settlement.
Next day, having heard of nothing done in the affair of Simprin, it was suggested to me by one, that Langton minded to shift it till Michaelmas were past; so that night, and the morrow morning, being
the 9th, thinking with myself that the Lord minded to grant my desire of not settling in the Merse, I desired of him he would be pleased to shew me how to dispose of myself next; and the same day, some time after that, I was surprised with a visit of Mr. Murray, who continued to desire me to go to Nithsdale. And indeed his coming to me at such a nick of time, did seem at first to be determining; but even while he was with me, came in one from Simprin, shewing that Langton had moved in the affair, and that it might yet be done in due time; and a little after I found that he had writ to the Presbytery to go on towards my settlement there. Now my inclination was to go to Nithsdale, and I was racked betwixt the two. That night I thought seriously on them, went to God, particularly for light and direction therein; and after, as I was going to bed, I found I durst not as yet leave Simprin. On this occasion I observed the subtilty of self in two cases; 1. I feared my seeking of light proceeded more from self-love than, love to Christ; 2. That my seeking the very mortification of my idols, discontent, worldly-mindedness, &c., did likewise proceed from the same fountain, which might be in regard of the disquiet the want of the one, and having of the other, occasions me. This selfishness I did manifestly observe; yet I found there was respect to the command of God in this, and thought it predominated. I thought I should have light from the Lord, or I durst not do it, though it should be to my temporal loss.
On the 10th, having occasionally continued my former request, I found that afternoon my soul content I should settle in Simprin, if the Lord should give me a clear call to it, that being then my exercise, of the issue whereof I was much afraid. At night I went to the meeting for prayer, found my heart much affected with the sad state of my native country the Merse, in respect of religion, and cried to God for an alteration therein to the better. I desired James Minto, a godly man, and a mighty pleader in prayer, though otherwise of very ordinary abilities, to remember in prayer my situation, and to plead for light to me; and my difficulties pressed me forward unto God.
The day following having gone to prayer for a text, I was, through the blowing of the Spirit on me, brought to a contented frame of heart with respect to the affair of Simprin. And indeed at what times I was most heavenly in the frame of my spirit, it was easiest for me to get over those things that were straitening and discouraging to me in it, and founded my aversion to it. These were, 1. The rarity of the godly there, and in the country; 2. The very smallness of their number; 3. The smallness of the stipend; moreover, 4. The temper and way of the fraternity, though good men, and several of them learned men too, not agreeable to mine; the which fully opened itself in the different way that that Presbytery and I took in the year 1712, and ever since; and, 5, which was the main thing that then stuck with me, The little opportunity to be serviceable there. It indeed bred some scrupling in the matter, that I was not far from thinking I was more useful in my unsettled condition, than I would be if minister of Simprin. But I thought with myself, if the Lord will shut me up there, why not? and I feared that in this there might be something of the pride of my heart, and of ignorance of the weight of the ministerial work; and therefore desired to say, "The will of the Lord be done." At night having gone to my eldest brother's, and joined with him in his family worship, to my great satisfaction, he came along with me, to my chamber, and by our converse I was led to Psalm 119:96, "I have seen an end of all perfection," for my text, being to preach in Dunse the following Lord's day.
On the 12th I studied my sermons on it; and in prayer in the time thereof I got some sight of the world's vanity, and in prayer after my studies, the Lord did blow on me, and as I was much concerned for a lasting impression of the vanity of the world, and of the weight of the work of the ministry; the which two things I reckoned would much conduce to the easing, quieting, and clearing of my mind, with respect to the affair of Simprin. I thought then I had never seen so great difficulty to get my heart weaned from the world; but it was my soul's desire the Lord himself would wean me, being content to part with a carnal worldly mind, if he would rend it from me, and convinced, that it would abide a pull of his hand. After some time