taken at me by my two nearest neighbours, and other two in whom I
it seemed to her from that work, that either I was near an end of preaching for altogether, or near the end of my preaching at Simprin. 8. I think it a strange conjecture, that at this time so great offence is taken at me by my two nearest neighbours, and other two in whom I trusted, without any just ground that I know of. One of them, Mr. P. I used to boast of; that whatever different sentiments we were sometimes of, we still kept from taking offence at one another; but I was surprised, a day or two ago, to hear that it is not so now. 9. About two years ago, when there was no word of any transportation for me, so far as I remember, I had a dream, that I was transported somewhere; and in my dream I was under great remorse of conscience; for that I thought the love of the world had prevailed with me in it. When I awoke, I thought myself thrice happy, that it was but a dream, and that I was still at Simprin. The use I made of it then was, that it might be a warning to me, to take heed to myself, if ever a transportation should offer. 10. That day I went to Etterick I lectured here on Psalm 122, insisting mostly on the latter part, ver. 6–9. That day I came home, that word came into my mind; Ezra 8:21, and I preached on it, though I little thought to have preached any that day. 11. What may be the event I know not; but it has sent me oftener to God than otherwise I would have gone, and my own case has been thereby bettered. C. Wood told me, that when the business was first set on foot, being very much concerned about it, she was brought at length to lay her hand on her mouth, and thought she had this answer, that if I went there, it should be for the good of a young generation. But she said the business grew darker to her afterwards, yet she still thought I behoved to go there. These things she told me after I came home from Etterick.
Feb. 16.—Last night lying down to rest on my bed, I posed my conscience with that question, Whether or not, after all I have thought and seen, I durst peremptorily refuse to go to Etterick? And I thought I durst not. This did much quiet my heart, knowing that the determination is to be made by the synod. The dream I had long ago, had occasioned fears to me very often; and therefore have I asked my own soul, whether the world sways me in this business?
And I dare not say it does. And in this inquiry, it was clearing to me, that I am conscious to myself, that if never so great worldly advantages had been proposed to me at the Presbytery, December 12, I durst not have yielded to it, seeing no more of God in it than I saw at that time. But because my heart is a depth of secret wickedness, I have several times this last week prayed with respect to that particular point, that God would search me and try me. And I think, I dare say before the Lord, I was sincere in it, really desirous to know if that wicked way was in me in that matter. I am sometimes helped to depend on, and trust God, for guidance in this matter; but I am often assaulted with fears of being left. And what then should I think of that dependence so often brangled? This has been my case often within this short time. But this morning, at family-exercise, when it was not in my mind, I met with a passage in our ordinary; Jer. 39 which was cleared to me, so as I saw an answer to my case. The passage was that, ver. 17, "Thou shalt not be given into the hand of the men of whom thou art AFRAID. 18, For thy life shall be for a prey unto thee, BECAUSE thou hast PUT THY TRUST IN ME." Afraid (I thought), and yet delivered, BECAUSE he put his trust in the Lord! Wonderful, that God will overlook his people's weakness, and deliver them, even because of that trust mixed with so much fear! That because was wonderful in my eyes. This answered my case so patly, that I was much cleared by it. C. Wood was here this day, being the Lord's day, minded to go home; but the Lord hindered her by bodily indisposition. She told me the business was plain to her, that to Etterick I must go. I was anxious the last time she was here, that I might have understood how that matter seemed to go with her; but she was going away, I laid by that anxiety, and God brought this notice unexpectedly to my hand.
Feb. 18.—This morning I arose early, and retired to spend some time in prayer, especially about the business of Etterick. Last night in prayer, once and again, for help to that work, my soul was elevated; but the third time I was sore dried up. This morning I had some tugging with my heart a while; at length I got earnest and solid desires after the Lord. And I remember, I pleaded much on the
Lord's having given me these desires, that seeing he had made them, he would fill them. Afterwards that frame was lost, and I could say little, but cry, that the Lord would loose the prisoner. While I was at that work, a letter comes which I behoved immediately to answer; and then Mr. M—— came. This was about ten o'clock. So I was taken off. Howbeit, in company, the sad thoughts of this heavy turn in my frame, and the Lord's deserting me, stood before me. I stole away a while to my closet, and thought and prayed. And as to the causes of it, I had before found out one, viz. a woful desire I had of vain-glory last night. This I confessed before the Lord, when the darkness came on; but no alteration of my frame could I get. But now at prayer I was let into another cause. The last year, so far as I remember, my health broke on the 11th of February. On Saturday last, the 15th of this instant, I had resolved to spend some time in prayer. But finding my body sore weakened after my studies on Friday, I altered my resolution of having that exercise on the Saturday, and delayed it till this week, fearing this weakness might be the beginning of the feared breach of my health. On Saturday my indisposition continued, and on the Lord's day my strength was small. Now I began to fear the Lord had thus left me, because of shifting that duty on Saturday last; but I repelled this, seeing, thought I, my being so very feeble on Friday's night was a just ground to delay it, till my body were fit for that work. But when I came to prayer, in the progress of that duty, a conviction of guilt in that point, and that I had not trusted God for bodily strength, for his service, was so born in and fastened on my soul, that I behoved to let go my carnal reasonings as figleaf covers, and take with it. Then I confessed it before the Lord, and fled for refuge to the blood of Christ. And thereupon followed an alteration upon my frame, and my perplexed and confused soul was eased, though I walked halting under the sense of that guilt. So, as I had opportunity, I pursued my design through the rest of that day. At night the society for Christian fellowship met. And I observed, that this business, which has fallen out of their prayers for some time, came in again this night. R. Aitchison prayed first, a man in whom I think is the spirit of prayer. I took notice, that his prayer about it was just as his prayers were this time twelvemonth, when that business
was set on foot first by the call. He prayed for light to me, that God would prosper my work if I be to stay with them; and that if I go, God may be with me, and loose their affections from me. So prayed he at first. But before the Presbytery on December 12, there was an astonishing boldness and freedom with the Lord among them in that matter, in him especially, which seemed to me prophetic. Wonderful, wonderful, is the conduct of Providence! This desertion with the outgate seemed to me to clear me in another case about this business. On the Lord's day morning, as said is, I was set on my feet by that word; Jer. 39:17, 18; but at night I began to stagger again, upon the consideration of my bodily indisposition. It seemed to be coming on as last year; and I thought, that if it should be thus with me at the synod, whatever other things might point out to me, I feared this would leave me in the lurch; for if matters, on the one hand, look so as to bid me yield; this indisposition, on the other hand, speaks strongly against it; seeing it would appear unfair towards that parish for me to yield to take the charge of them under such bodily indisposition. [Nota, That which was feared was a consumption.] But hereby, in sad experience, I learned not to shift that which otherwise appears duty, upon the account of bodily weakness and indisposition, but to be at the Lord's disposal, and hold even on the way, trusting him for strength for his own service. After family worship, I came to my closet again, and fell to work. And at that time, after prayer, I read over the above account of the dispensations of Providence in that business, and in the sight of the Lord, as I could, communed with my own heart concerning the two foresaid questions and was answered as above said.
Feb. 24.—Monday. On Saturday last I gave myself for a while to prayer, especially with respect to the business of Etterick, and I found my heart ready for prayer, and desirous of it, having laid no restraint on myself as to time or continuance in that exercise. This I did, because the last day I found my heart impatient sometimes under the view of continuing closely for such a time. This day also I spent some time in prayer, and thinking on that business, in order to come to a fixed resolution and determination as to what is my duty.
The time of the synod's meeting being now very near, obliged me to set this time apart for the end foresaid. Wherefore, after serious applications to the throne of grace, for light, and determination of duty from the Lord, I took a view of those things noted, December 31, and as to the presbyterial call. And as to the latter, I see not how it could have been commenced in a more cleanly way for me; and it agrees very well with the chain of the after dispensations. As to our Presbytery's forgetting the day, I further remark, that it was necessary to bring the business to so low an ebb as it came to at length. As to my straitening while in Etterick, it was a time of straitening to others concerned for me, and so the whole was of a piece. And when I was under an invitation to go back to Etterick again, I was convinced, that no stress could be laid on my enlargement in preaching; so that though I had been, when there again, enlarged, it would not have taken away my scruple, or determined me. And this in the meantime answered the case of my straitening. As to the weakness of the Presbytery's reasons, I could nowise account for it. As for my going out of and returning to the pulpit of Simprin, and the scriptures I was led to both times, these seem to leave it in equilibrio. [Nota, I think, if I had said, these seem to call me to make haste in my work there, as having but little time more, it had been no unreasonable construction of Providence. And the other part, to wit, those scriptures I was led to, seem not to have been without design this way, though the union was the occasion of my pitching on both of them.] The last was the seal of dispensations cross to it, which was soon removed. Whatever come of my health after this, my indisposition has not been so violent this season as it was last year. The aspect of the last sacrament, and the Lord's day after it, on this business, has for some time appeared to me, and not to me only, determining.
I remember how yesterday I had a lamentable account; how the devil had set up his trophies against the sacrament in Dunse market on Wednesday last, one of this parish (W. T.) and he a communicant, being so drunk, that he could not hold his feet, but fell, and broke his face in the open street. This created me thoughts of heart, even with
respect to this business, and made me stagger not a little; but examining, whether it might be consistent with the Lord's design of removing me, and my submitting to this transportation, I was cleared by that passage, Acts 20:29, 30.
At length I came to this conclusion, That seeing all the dispensations seeming to cross the design of Etterick (excepting one) may be in some measure accounted for, and appear not inconsistent with the Lord's design of sending me there, and that the most remarkable of these made plainly for it; seeing that by a train of cross providences, Providence made it grow darker and darker, and then suddenly and unexpectedly made such a turn in it; seeing it hath been brought this length through several difficulties, and the Lord seemed to open two doors for my removal at one time, and then shut one of them again, and with that I designed for the one sent me to the other; seeing the dispensations of providence, and the frame of my own, and that of the hearts of others with respect to that matter before the Presbytery, December 12, did in some sort keep pace with the event of that day, and both being now altered, go in another course; seeing the Lord chased me away to himself to seek counsel, kept me from consulting with men, and has so graciously condescended to give me seasonable clearing of particular cases in that affair; and the way I have been directed to in my preaching here since the prebyteryday, for ordinary changing a text every day or two, which was not my usual way, and the work at the sacrament, and particularly that on the Lord's day thereafter, seem to have such a determining aspect; seeing the Lord hath removed the hinderance arising from the consideration of the state of my health, partly by making it better, and partly, yea chiefly, by shewing me that I ought not to lay so much stress on it, as is above narrated; and seeing, upon the whole, I am convinced, that if I had no charge, I would by these things be determined to embrace that call; therefore I am resolved (rebus stantibus ut nunc) to submit to the synod, and leave it to their determination.
And forasmuch as these dispensations of Providence, as observed and applied, look scripture-like, and this resolution hath not been
easily obtained by me, having had many ups and downs in this business; seeing the Lord shewed me on the 9th of January, that he that believeth maketh no haste, and I was content to wait, and was quieted in prayer, and helped to depend on the Lord, while as yet I knew not what hand to turn me to; and I have found, for ordinary, when I sought light in this affair, my first care was still for Christ himself, esteeming himself far above light, &c., and now at last I have won at this resolution, in the use of means for clearness, so that I was afraid this day to harp any more on that string, lest I should with Balaam tempt God; and seeing, upon the attaining of that clearness as to my duty, my soul has been made thankful to the Lord for his goodness and condescendence to me in this matter, I must and will conclude, that this resolution is of God; and having examined myself again as to the world's influence, I dare say, and said it, before the Lord, that (in his strength) ten thousand worlds should never have engaged me.
After all, I saw my case in Psalm 40:1–5, and I behoved to sing it; and so I did with a thankful heart, from ver. 1 to 9. And blessed be God for Christ; thanks to the Lord for his unspeakable gift. I bless him, that the effect of all this is to make me prize Christ; and therefore when I thought I had done, I was obliged to go back again, and, as I was able, to bless God for Christ; and O that I may have the advantage of an eternity to praise him in!
As to the sacrament of Melrose (p. 176,) which was last summer, the letter inviting me to it was given to me only on the Thursday before, when I was preaching at Eccles, being the fast-day before the communion there. This straitened me for time to think on it, and prepare for it, if I should go. Mr. L. had desired me to come thither against the Lord's day, after I had preached at home, to help there. I endeavoured to see my duty, and studied for Melrose on the Friday, in case I should go there. But on Friday's night I went to bed, still in the dark as to my duty. Wherefore I rose early on Saturday morning, wrestled for light till between seven and eight o'clock; but could not know what to do. That which helped to difficult me was, that it was in
Selkirk Presbytery, and that some of the people of Etterick might be there. This darkness distressed me exceedingly, both in body and mind; wherefore giving it over, I went to bed again to refresh my body. A little after I rose again; and, seeking the Lord, resolved to take my horse; so I went away, not knowing whither I was going, whether I would come home again, or stay at Eccles, or go forward to Melrose. But by the way the light began to break, to send me to Melrose; and withal I had hopes, that, at Eccles, I would meet with that which would fully clear me what to do. And so indeed it came to pass, and I was determined fully ere the sermons began. So I staid there, and heard sermons; but after sermons, with all speed, waiting on no person, being resolved not to entangle myself, or cast myself into a new snare, I took horse, and came to Melrose betwixt seven and eight at night. I preached on the Lord's day and Monday; and the Lord was with me, especially on the Lord's day. There were none there from Etterick. It was my good friend C. Wood that, by keeping up of Mr. Wilson's letter, occasioned this distress to me.
Feb. 27.—A violent fit as of the gravel beginning with my wife, I designed to go to prayer on that account; but immediately she was better; and therefore I prayed, and with her gave thanks for the receipt of what we were thinking to seek. My heart was enlarged under a sense of the Lord's goodness. And this new mercy revived the grateful sense of the Lord's kindness that I have of late met with in the hearing of prayers. This night the two societies met together for prayer, concerning the business of my transportation. One of the western society going to read, asked me where he should read; I said he might read where he pleased, thinking he would choose some place suitablo to the occasion. And so one tells him, our ordinary in the eastern society (which met weekly at my house) was Gen. 12. So he begins, and reads, "Now the Lord had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land," &c. This was very surprising to me, being so pat to my case. Thus was that work begun. As for their prayers, they were as I noted before, p. 181.
March 2.—I preached on the observing of providences, from Psalm 107 ult.; and I observe how the Lord led me to it, through several difficulties, drying up to me another subject I thought to have been on. I was afraid to venture on this subject, not knowing how to manage it; but the Lord was pleased to lay to my hand liberally, for all the scrimpness I feared.
March 3.—Latter end of the last week, I began to have some passing fears, that the business of Etterick might misgive at the synod; but last night they became exceeding great and pressing, so that I lay down with such a weight of them, that I had much ado to bear up against them. The precise point on which they rolled, was this, viz. That in case it should misgive, it would brangle me terribly as to my own soul's case, raze foundations, turn all I had got in quest of light in the matter, into delusion; and so, in that event, I would not know any more how to discover the mind of God in a particular case. No wonder that this was most heavy, and perplexing, and racking, as indeed it was, threatening a stroke at the very root of my soul. Only I thought, if I was wrong, I would be content to be undeceived; seeing I was yet in the land of the living, and might yet be set right. This day I had a grateful sense of the Lord's goodness to me, and of his gracious condescension, in that he had been pleased to let me see my duty clearly now eight days ago; and that he did not keep up his light from me till the very nick of time of the determination of the business. O! the wisdom and foreknowledge of God, in letting in these fears, like a flood on my soul! I do with profoundest humility, and thankfulness, admire and adore that wisdom and foreknowledge, when I look back on the heavy task I then was to have, and now have had, in that place; under the which, nothing could have borne me up, but the clearness of my call, from the Lord himself, unto it; and that flood of fears hath since made that clearness, like a wall of adamant, in the face of many a storm and tempest I have met with in that place.
The synod having met, and the affair come before them, I was, on the 6th of March, by their silence, transported from Simprin to Etterick.
On the 4th I went to Kelso to the synod; and was scarcely well set down in the church, when Mr. H. C. a member of the Presbytery of Selkirk, told me, that Sir Francis Scot did not take it well, that the Presbytery would needs use their jus devolutum; but that he would consent to the calling of me, if they would fall from their call. He asked me what I thought of it. I told him, that, for my part, they might do in that business as they pleased. The way I received it at first was, that I found myself content to stay still in Simprin; but afterwards it was not so easy to me, while it seemed to pluck down all I had been building, as above related. Thus was I by this dispensation sore brangled. The first ease I got was on Wednesday morning; when, after some time spent in prayer, the Lord opened my eyes, and let me see how he had in his providence been pointing out to me my way to Etterick; and I found I durst not shift my duty for the difficulty in the way. After dinner that day, having procured to myself a little time alone, I set myself to prayer; the rather that I thought my business might come in that afternoon; and being yet somewhat uneasy and troubled as before, after prayer I resolved to read the scripture; but that I might not make a fortune-book of the Bible, I expressly resolved I would read in my ordinary; and though my case should not be touched there, I would wait on God. It fell to be 1 Peter 1 where I met with that passage, vers. 6, 7, "Though now for a season (if need be) ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations, that the trial of your faith being," &c. This was seasonable and refreshful to my poor soul. But I was called away (by reason of my ordinary office, being synod-clerk) before I got the whole chapter read. It pleased the Lord to bear it off for that diet; only I was almost no sooner set down at the table in the church, but Mr. A. D. told me, he had Sir Francis Scot's letter, that he would make no noise about my settlement in Etterick. On the morrow, by which time I was fully cleared to hold by my former resolution, laid down Monday was eight days, having in secret laid my all down at Christ's feet, I went away and was transported. It was a melancholy time, while parties were removed, and some of the honest men of Simprin were weeping near by me, being hopeless, which was a heavy sight to me, who dearly loved them. Immediately after the sentence, "Transport," I
was confounded, and troubled with many fears; and the ease I got, was by reflecting on those fears that I was oppressed with last Lord's day at night, and considering what a dreadful case my soul would have been in, if, after such indications of the mind of God, it had misgiven. When I came out of the church I met with Mr. Golden, who told me he was sorry I was to go out of the Morse. And I remember it was against his will that I settled in Simprin; he would have had me to Teviotdale. Then J. E. met with me, and discouraged me, and told me, I would not come to Kelso, but go to Etterick. I remember he did just so to me at Kelso, that night before I went away to my marriage. But I had no cause to repent either of the two, my settlement at Simprin, or my marriage. The use I made of these things, was to look for trouble, and expect throughbearing. I came home that day. As I was by the way, I had a great calmness and serenity of mind from the Lord; all was well; and when I came home, the Lord was very gracious to me in prayer; and in that prayer I had great liberty to plead with God for my wife's safety, and had a sort of impression that the child in her belly was a boy and the name to be Ebenezer, which, for a memorial of the Lord's kindness to me, I promised, in case it should be so that it was a boy. Hitherto I have had kept up on my spirit, a plain sense of the Lord's calling me to Etterick. Fears of great difficulties are upon me, but the sense of duty keeps me up, and these former fears, p. 183, 184, are a bulwark against my present fears. And my soul has been much enlarged in thankfulness for the Lord's kindness, in guiding me with his eye set upon me.
The synod, in their act of transportation, out of kindness to me, recommended it to the Presbytery of Selkirk to use all tenderness to me; and in case I should meet with such grievances at Etterick as I might be unable to bear, that they should give and grant to me what might ease me of the same; and the moderator, in name of the synod, promised the same unto me. In that act, the synod likewise provided, that I should not (on account of the ruinous state of the manse at Etterick) be obliged to remove my family, till such time as there was a sufficient manse provided for me there.
I judged it expedient and favourable, to have such provisions for my ease, in the act foresaid. But having once taken the charge of that parish, I had no freedom to make use of that touching the manse, but behoved to transport my family to the place, and to bear the inconveniency of our lodging there for the time. And though my grievances there soon came to be exceeding great, and hardly supportable to me; yet such was the sense of the command and call of God upon me to that place, that I durst never presume to seek ease and relief, by the provision made about it; so that, under all my sinking burdens there, I never moved any such thing to the Presbytery or synod, but resolved to wait till he who set me there should call me also away from it.
March 9.—Sabbath. This morning I found there was a sad change upon me; my frame was gone, my spirit straitened, every way unfit for the work of the day; and therewith came on a great darkness as to my call to Etterick; and an uneasiness has been on my spirit most of this day, with respect to my going to that place to be minister to that people, the sense of my call thereto being withheld and hid from me mostly till night. The reason of this sad alteration I found to be my miscarriage yesternight; for A. M. coming up to me at night, I gave too much way to carnal mirth and laughter, till I forgot my work, and out of woful self-confidence would not withdraw from him to go to my studies. It was no time for me to be so merry, when my poor people were so sad. And had I taken time last night for study, I had had more time for prayer this day. So all went wrong with me together this morning; my frame was gone, darkness as to my call from God seized me, my son fell sick, and Mr. Milu too; so that whereas he should have lectured for me, he told me, when we were at breakfast, he could not do it; so I behoved to fall on studying a lecture then. Thus did the Lord point out my sin, sending me to study at that time, who would not study when I should have done it. This I never saw till just now that I was writing this day's progress. But just when I was going out to the kirk, Mr. M. arose, and told me he would lecture; and so the Lord justly put me to needless pains, because I would not be at needful pains. This remark also did but just now
occur to me at the writing of this; which is indeed a fulfilling of scripture.
This day's sermons were as suitable to our case as if I had sought a text just for our present circumstances. There were three mysteries of Providence; 1. People's walking contrary to God, and yet Providence shining warmly on them; 2. Astonishing strokes lighting on those that are most dear to God; 3. Astonishing afflictions meeting the Lord's people in the way of duty. (See sermon on Psalm 107 ult.*) All which I thought to have delivered the last Lord's day; but God reserved them for this day, to begin it with as to me. What may be the design, I know not.
At night, after a fruitless attempt or two, I recovered somewhat; and at the family exercise, singing that word; Psalm 119:143, "Trouble and anguish have me found,"—"Yet in my trouble my delight Thy just commandments be," I found it was very suitable to my case, and helpful to me. From that trouble, besides what is obvious, I have learned, 1. That if I will keep up the sense of my call from God, I must live near him; 2. That my transportation is of God; seeing it looks up in the light, and these fears and doubts only in the dark; and consequently, 3. That God works by contrary means, making darkness the means of further light, as I have now found it. From that word meeting me at the exercise in the family, observe, 1. An exercised case is a good help to the judgment, for understanding the scripture; 2. It is a noble help to the memory; no doubt I have often read that word, but I think I will not so easily forget it again. [Nota, The narration in this paragraph has been too superficially set down, and I find such impressions may much wear off through time. I think the case has been this: That after prayer I somewhat recovered the sense of my call to Etterick; which increasing did comfort me, though I walked halting under a sense of the miscarriages the night before; and thus meeting with that scripture, I understood it thus (so far as I can remember), That trouble had taken hold on him, and also anguish of spirit, because of mismanagements in his way; but even under both outward trouble and anguish of spirit,—it was the delight