necessity of repentance in order to remission; held out the fear of
whoso confesseth and forsaketh them, shall have mercy." Wherein he explained repentance in three things, 1. Confession, implying shame; 2. Sorrow; 3. Forsaking. Then he endeavoured to confirm the necessity of repentance in order to remission; held out the fear of hell as what all had reason to entertain, to move them to repent; and harangued against the delaying of repentance. The whole was shut up with that. We were not to do this in our own strength, but in the strength of God, and in dependence on Christ, from whom the grace must come. He had not one word of confessing over the head of the great sacrifice, nor of the sin of our nature, nor was faith in Jesus Christ, or remission by his blood, once named, farther than that dependence on Christ above mentioned may be thought to bear; far less faith, as uniting the soul to Christ as the fountain of holiness. I had reason to think it was designed against the doctrine I preach. And thus was I rewarded for my preaching for him, April gone a year: employing him here on the fast before the last communion, which gave me dissatisfaction of the same kind; and employing him again this time, in hope of better things; all which I did, not from private inclination, but from a sincere desire to strengthen his hands in the Lord's work in his parish; being persuaded, that any reputation the Lord has given me, I was bound to lay it out for the furthering his own interest and kingdom. However, kind Providence ordered that I preached in the afternoon, contrary to what he seemed to expect at his coming; and that also was by the same hand kindly guided, some things falling in the way necessary on such an occasion, and on the other hand tenderness used for peace sake. Thus I have seen the strain prevailing among the young divines, whom I have had no other occasion to hear; and some of the people here have discovered their favour and discerning on this occasion; so that out of the eater hath come forth meat.
In respect of my bodily weakness, I thought I would provide timely for the sacrament, that I might rest and be refreshed the latter end of the week. So I prepared the fast-day's sermon the week before; but I was otherwise so taken up on Monday, that I could not get the action-sermon begun till Tuesday, nor perfected till Friday
morning.* And then I had so much prepared, that I knew not how I would be able to deliver it. But then the Lord had given it so, that it was most easily impressed on my memory; and I had it mandated by two o'clock afternoon; a forwardness I do not remember to have been in before. Then I thought I would rest at length; but thereafter I was held so busy otherwise, that that afternoon I was exhausted; so was I on Saturday's night, (what time I was wont to mandate my sermon), that I was able to do nothing. So the first time I could again set myself to go over it again in my mind, was between seven and eight on Sabbath morning, which I did cursorily. And thus was I but just where I used to be formerly at that time. Mean while, being put off my ordinary time of going to bed, sleep departed from me in great measure, both Friday and Saturday nights In this case was I, when to enter on the solemn work of the Sabbath, weaker than ever, toiled and exhausted more than ever. But, behold, strength was perfected in weakness; and I was in exercise, four hours together in the tent, and at the table. Only I rested a while in the midst of my sermon, the congregation singing; and then I prayed a few words, and entered on again; I never did it before, but I bless the Lord who gave me that counsel. The Wednesday was very rainy, the Thursday, the fast-day, was fair. The Friday was rainy, so that several were kept back that would have been from other places, but the whole three days, there was not a drop let fall on us. The Lord's own day was a grim louring day; no sun appeared, if it was not towards night. I stood in that tent the sweetest easiest station that ever I had on the like occasion; it was just to my wish; my Master managed me in that matter, as ever a mother would have done a weak child; (and the remembrance of it, at the writing it here, produces tears of joy and admiration of his goodness.) And it was the sweeter, when it made me reflect on the word I had said in secret prayer that morning, in view of my weakness, which in the time I thought was none of the best worded, viz., 'Cast a cloud over me with a little gale of wind.' The one was, because I thought I was not able to abide the sun; and the other, that I was not able to bear a dead calm. The Lord was with me in the delivering his word, with grave solid concern, as treating with sinners in the name of God. When I entered on the study of that
sermon, I was very peremptory that I should be nothing in it but a voice; and I doubt if ever I was more so for so long a time together. And I did think, and do think still, I am very certain, it was the Lord's own message for that time; and can hardly think but he had something to do with it. I have learned anew to prize my two friends who preached the gospel with the Master's own countenance. What is the chaff to the corn! Powerful were the prayers that they poured out for my afflicted wife; in whose case I turned quite hopeless some time ago, did myself much harm, and was almost sunk. At the table of the Lord, whithersoever I looked, I could see almost nothing, but sovereignty of a gracious God; when I looked to Christ, and when I looked to myself and relations, particularly to my wife's case. Sovereignty appeared in the person of Christ, the human nature being in him united to the divine nature; sovereignty appeared in the way of the Father's dealing with him, in his birth, life, and death; and thus I travelled betwixt the view of sovereignty with respect to Jesus Christ, and the view of it with respect to me and mine, backward and forward; believing my union with him.
On the Friday before, I received a letter from Professor Hamilton, about the MS. of the Latin essay. It was put into his hand about the 6th of January, to be kept about twenty days or a month. And he had put it in Dr. Crawford's hands, which was not my intention, though I allowed the consulting of him. So I was kept up betwixt them, till about the 10th of May. After which was sent out to me a sheet and a half of remarks on it, viz., the first part of the essay, large paper, and close writ. I wrote to the Doctor, after I had heard it was put into his hands; but he never made me any return. Only these his remarks were, after long onwaiting for the returning of my MS. sent out to me by Mr. Hogg, without any letter from the one or the other. The remarks discovered a great deal of rashness and ill-nature, but very little judgment or acquaintance with the subject. The Professor's letter was very civil and wary, and did much raise my esteem of him; but withal it had no favourable aspect on the business. Afterwards I wrote him a large answer, dated June 16, 1727. His letter, and a copy of my answer, are both in retentis. See the Appendix.
July 16, 1727. The Lord was very signally present at the sacrament celebrated in Maxton this day. I got a lesson of living by faith, in my serving of tables, not knowing what to speak, but finding it given sweetly and liberally in the moments wherein it was needed. The issue of all unto me was, I found my faith much strengthened. Powerful were the prayers there put up for my wife, now in the eighth year of her distress, from May 1720. And for several of these years she hath been free among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, remembered no more, being overwhelmed with bodily maladies, her spirits drunk up with terror, by means of her imagination vitiated in a particular point, and harassed with Satan's temptations plied against her at that disadvantage. Meanwhile, in all things else, she remains clear in her judgment and pointed in her discourse, as before. As she has been all along supported to a wonder, so the Lord has at times given her remarkable visits in her prison, and manifested his love to her soul. And the reality of the grace of God in her, has, by means of her trial, been manifested to conviction. When I came home, she related to me how, that morning I went away, she had been reduced to the utmost extremity, and that which in the imagination thereof was the cause of her terror, really falling out that afternoon, which I very well knew in the time, but had no access to help her, but by lifting up my heart to the Lord on her account, yet she was strengthened to bear it, in such sort as she had particularly desired that day, and had not for several years before reached unto; and how gracious the Lord had been to her on the Saturday, being the morrow after, and the Sabbath; so that she was brought to say in her heart, who knows but the Lord may yet bring me again to the land of the living! This surprising relation discovering that God had remarkably heard prayer on her behalf, I began to conceive more firm hopes of her deliverance. And they were strengthened when I considered that the foregoing year the Lord had led me to preach, at the same place, on the subject of deep humiliation going before the Lord's lifting up his people; and then this year to that of praying always and not fainting, from Luke 18:1, having at parting told her that I was going to tell yonder people from the Lord, that they who have business at the court of heaven, must
hang on there and not faint, whatever entertainment they meet with; for that so doing they shall be heard at length. These texts were occasioned to me by her case. Now we were with our broken ship, within sight of the shore, and I was as one stretching forth his arms crying, help forward, help forward! But behold, in a little time after, the storm rose anew, and the ship was beat back into the main ocean, out of sight of land again.
July 31. Monday, I fell under a considerable illness, which I took to be the effect of Moffat-well water, having advanced to three chopins of it, being weary of the time the drinking of it took up. On the Thursday's night it came to an extremity, so that death stared me in the face, and the sending for help proposed was delayed, till it should be seen what the morrow would produce. This was a sharp-edged trial to me. I had been invited to the sacrament at E——r, to be administered Aug. 6, the very following Sabbath, but, for a testimony against the injury done by the minister of that place here to the truth of the gospel, refused. The copy of the paragraph of my answer to him, is to be found with that to Professor Hamilton. Now I feared I would be made the reproach of the foolish, being likely to preach none at all that Sabbath, nor at Galashiels sacrament the following Lord's day, Aug. 13, if ever to preach more. Thus I was obliged to review that refusal, and found, in the face of extremity, I had done no more in it but what was necessary for the sake of truth, and desired to lay my credit and my all at the Lord's feet. On the morrow my illness abated, but I was unable to study, and was satisfied in an old sermon I thought the Lord had use for. I was helped to deliver it on the Lord's day, and to go about my work as ordinary; which was a mercy exceeding great in my eyes, in that thereby I was not left to be the reproach of the foolish. On the Tuesday after I studied a little for Galashiels; but it was the Wednesday ere I was quite well; and that day and Thursday I was strengthened to do my work for that place.
Aug. 12. Saturday after sermons at Galashiels, I received a letter from Professor Gordon aforesaid, bearing a narrative of his conference with Professor Hamilton, Dr. Crawford and Mr. Matthew Crawford
on that subject. It was comfortable, but withal shewed that those three still were of the mind it would not be for the interest of religion to publish anything on the subject till it were better understood in Britain. I preached this day on Luke 18:8, "I tell you, he will avenge them speedily." I had, when at Maxton had an eye to that text for this occasion, but afterwards laid aside thoughts of it. Yet, when the time drew near I was driven back to it. And this strengthened my hopes of my wife's deliverance, as did also my late deliverance.
On the Sabbath morning minding to read Isa. 53 the 63d chapter turned up, and I was moved to read it, and the 4th verse thereof, "The day of vengeance is in mine heart, and the year of my redeemed is come," so harmonizing with my text, sweetly surprised me, and raised my hopes very full as to the deliverance aforesaid drawing near. At the table I had a view of Christ himself as all to me, and going to view particular benefits, as pardon, &c., I was led back to behold himself as containing all whatsoever. In concern for my children, that word came, "I will be thy God, and the God of thy seed." Mr. Wilson on the Saturday and at the tables insisted on believing the gospel, and on Monday again to good purpose. But that day I had wished in my heart he had handled some other subject. Mr. Hunter preached after him on these words, "He is faithful that hath promised;" whereby I was checked, and caused to say in my heart, The foolishness of God is wiser than men, seeing how God did confirm what I did not so much approve. I was so refreshed with that sermon of Mr. Hunter's, that I found my very body in good condition when the work was over.
But after all this, coming home, I found my wife was extraordinary ill, and saw her not for some time. And when I saw her, she told me that it had been extraordinary ill with her, and that she had tasted of the bitterness of death, what she had not known before. However this made me not to stagger, as to my hope of her deliverance. In prayer at parting with her it had been kept quite out of my head to desire of the Lord a comfortable meeting with her. Adverting to out of the room I stood a little astonished, and thought it not meet to tell
her of it at that time. But now from this my hopes were confirmed in that I thought the Lord's having kept me from seeking what he minded not to give was a ground of hope that he would give the rest which he helped to seek of him. When we went to family-worship, Josh. 21, being the ordinary, was read, and vers. ult., "There failed not ought of any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass," was sweet, and pat to my present circumstances in that matter. And on the morrow, having been carried out in secret prayer to plead with God in the same case I was anew surprised and comforted, reading in my ordinary in the Hebrew bible, Gen. 25:21 "And Isaac intreated the Lord for his wife, and the Lord was intreated of him."
Aug. 22. Tuesday. Saturday's night I was raised out of bed to see my wife in great extremity. Sabbath morning comforting her, and shewing that, notwithstanding of all this, the deliverance might not be a whit the farther off, she bid me speak to her as a dying person. Thereafter in secret being somewhat shaken, and expressing my fears before the Lord, that word given at Eskdalemoor, "Thou wilt comfort me on every side," was brought to me, and was staying. Monday she was better, but this morning I found she had been very ill all this night. Even thus in great measure hath it been for many years. Meanwhile I am called to wait on, and not to faint. This affliction has been very heavy to me, bowed me down, and contributed to the bringing me to the low case I am now reduced to; and by it I have been under a providential confinement at home for some years, which, however, in the wisdom of Providence, hath tended to the carrying on of my work in my closet. Three things I see clearly designed in it. 1. My correction; wherein God is just, very just, as I very well know. 2. My humiliation; this being as a weight hung at me, to balance the honour the Lord has put on me in the matter of the accentuation of the Hebrew bible. 3. The good of his people in clearing and comforting them by my public work, occasioned by the Lord's dealing thus with me, according to 2 Cor. 4:15 and 1:6.
Aug. 24. I desired the Lord would clear up this day, being foul, that I might get to Mr. Robert Scott's burial, as a token he would hear in that foresaid. Singing at family worship Psalm 121, this view of the bible was given me, namely, that whatever were the particular occasions of the writing it, or any part thereof, I am to look upon it as written for me, as much as if there were not another person in the world, and so is everybody else to whose hand it comes. The day continued bad, but I thought, what, shall I not believe the promise of protection I have been singing? so I went away, hoping it might clear afterwards. But it did not, and it was very bad in our return; nevertheless, I was nothing worsted in the journey. Thus I got the main thing desired, getting to the burial, but not with the ease, and in the way, I would have had it. And perhaps it may even be so, in that weighty case I have so much at heart.
Aug. 26. My wife being under an impression that her dissolution was near, going to the Lord in the case, that word was seasonably given, me, "He is faithful that hath promised."
Aug. 27. Coming in from preaching on Rom. 8:26, in secret prayer, I had an experience of the help of the Spirit in prayer, which I had been preaching on. And I got a view of the case of the children of God, and my wife's particularly, under melancholy, viz., that our Lord, minding to show the power of his grace in his children combating with Satan, he, by such a touch on their imagination in a particular point, gives Satan a palpable advantage against them, whereby his work may be more easy, than if they were to encounter on even ground; and then he lets the battle go to, and through a secret support and conveyance of strength from himself to his child, Satan is baffled, and that more shamefully, than if he had wanted that seen advantage of the ground.
Sept 2. I had a letter from Mr. Wilson, whose daughter Marion had been prayed for at Galashiels, putting me in mind of the expression in prayer there used, viz., that the Lord would rebuke that fever; and bearing, that, as he understood, at that very hour the fever left her,
and never recurred. This was a confirmation of the subject I was upon there. I remember I was straitened in that prayer, yet there were in that congregation who might be otherwise, and the Lord might help me as their mouth; and I question not but parts of prayer wherein there is straitening may be accepted.
Sept. 11. Being in hazard of fainting in my wife's case, it was seasonably suggested to me that it was surely by the Spirit I was led to carry that message, Luke 18:8, to the Lord's children; and she and I are the Lord's children too, having an interest in it as well as others. And that passage, Psalm 71:20, 21, became fresh to me, that I was made confidently to plead it and expect from it, the Bible being God's word to me in particular, as before remarked.
Sept. 16. Some time ago I had another letter from Prof. Hamilton, bearing, that he would not discourage, and shewing a readiness to peruse the second part of the essay on the accentuation. Mr. Wilson had moved his writing to Jerviswood, or Mr. Bradbury a London minister, or to them both for encouraging that essay. But on the 5th instant, when I was resolved to go to the Presbytery to concert there with him the application to be made to them for that end, the day proved so exceeding stormy, that it was impracticable. But having many experiences of the wise conduct of Providence in such dispensations, I was not uneasy.
Since the finishing of that essay, I have revised the Fourfold State, which cost me much labour, through what was done to it by Mr. Wightman, and that the printers had destroyed most of the authentic copy. But, by kind Providence, Mr. Wardrobe had taken a copy of it, to the end of the third state, which, though not accurate, was useful to me in this case. I have also put the last hand to some sermons on Phil. 2:7, "But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men;" and they are now sent in to Mr. Macewan; and so I am relieved of a promise I made, namely, to give him some sermons for the press. When that promise was made several years ago, these sermons were not in
being, and so could not be in my view. I hope never to make such a promise again, nor to print for printing's sake. And I bless God I am delivered from this by a plain providential call to publish these. Thereafter I began a short explication of the catechism; the occasion whereof was this, Some time ago, there was a motion for Messrs. Wilson, Davidson, and I, writing on the catechism, for the preservation of the doctrine. They took their parts assigned them; I declined any part, as having my hands otherwise filled; only they proposed to me the commands. What I perceived in my examinations of those of the younger sort, and in my own family, made me long for that work; but they not being likely to be hasty in it, I fell on this project to satisfy myself in the meantime; but could not get access to fix to it. After the sacrament at Galashiels, I inclined much to fall on that work; but by no means could I in my conscience evite the filling up of the passages of my life, at least as far as the account of the finishing the essay on the accentuation. So I filled it up from the beginning of Jan. 1716, to Nov. 9, 1727; and in doing of it was satisfied, and began to look on it as a sign of that matter of the essay moving to some point. That having been the most busy time of my life, in study and writing, there was but little of that nature recorded. What I have now in view, is that explication of the catechism, the notes on the covenant of grace, and the proceeding in the essay on the Hebrew text, which still as I read the Hebrew Bible, my heart is set upon.
As for the state of my body, all my upper teeth are now come out by the roots, except two in the end of each jaw, and two sideteeth. I have frequent pains of the toothache; can hardly continue close till two o'clock; am afterwards unfit for any thing, if it is not to read a little at night. I preach short now, but I think I pray longer than I was wont in public. I have found my weakness, this summer, subservient to my humiliation and self-denial in all my performances; and a kind of check on the lightness of the heart, that youth is ready to go out unto; yet have I found it withal insufficient of itself to that good purpose.
Sept. 25.—Having been this day eight days, after prayer, determined to that work on the catechism, as what would be of present use, I applied myself thereto; and for three days it wont on comfortably; so that I was too secure about it on the third night. But that night sleep fled from me, and on the morrow I was left to toil all the day to little purpose or satisfaction. Moreover, I was seized with a violent toothache, and was in great extremity, especially in the night; so that for two nights I could not lay down my head, but behoved to sit in my bed. Thus was I taught dependence on the Lord in this little work; and that both for the exercise of my gift, and for strength of body for it. The third night, being Saturday's, I got quiet sleep, with my head laid down; and on the morrow, access to my Master's work. And I am signally indebted to him; for that to this day, as far as I remember, I was never kept from preaching one Lord's day. The toothache has stormed my lower teeth so, that I think they are beginning to give way too. This day; Psalm 29 ult., "The Lord will give strength unto his people, the Lord will bless his people with peace," was food for my faith in my wife's case; and I pleaded before the Lord for the accomplishment of it.
Oct. 2.—Monday. Last week the work on the catechism appeared a more solemn, serious, and weighty work, than at first I took it to be. I bless God that taught me that lesson. The toothache began on Tuesday to return in the other side of the head; which warned me again to seek of the Lord ability for the work; and he pitied. My wife rose out of her bed on Thursday at night, and sat by the fire about an hour and three quarters. It was the more comfortable, that it was the day wherein I spent some time in prayer for her case, which I have done once every week since the sacrament at Galashiels. This morning I accidentally cast my eye on Isa. 30:18, "And therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious," &c.; and was thereby admonished, strengthened, and encouraged, to wait.
Oct. 4.—Having ordered to settle my younger son's quarters at Edinburgh for the ensuing winter, when he is to go in, I laid that matter over on the Lord; being encouraged therein from the conduct
afforded Abraham's servant; Gen. 24:27, "And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy, and his truth; I being in the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master's brethren." I found this day it was done according to my wish, and that without difficulty. And thereby I felt how experience strengthens faith. However, I clearly perceive a necessity of a blessing from the Lord on that settlement to make it comfortable.
Oct. 19.—This morning, a-bed, these words rolled in my mind, "And the angel that talked with me answered good and comfortable words." As soon as I rose, I looked my Bible, and found it was, "And the Lord answered the angel that talked with me," &c. This was more sweet, while I considered Christ as my intercessor, having my suit in hand. Then I saw he had talked with me in that word, "I tell you he will avenge them speedily." Moreover I considered, that there he had interceded in a long trial of seventy years. All which encouraged to hang on, in my process before the throne, about the long trial.
Oct. 30.—Two days ago I had an account, that the sermons on Phil. 2:7, "The mystery of Christ in the form of a servant," being printed, were going off well.
Nov. 6.—Monday. Last week was a heavy week to me, to the weakening of my very body, through an embargo from the Lord laid on me, in the study of the question concerning Christ's kingly office; the which lies yet untaken off. Tuesday's night we fell to sing Psalm 25:11–15, which being so close to my case, particularly ver. 14. I so laboured to gripe it, that being withal sore broken, I had begun ere I was aware, to sing over again the latter part of that verse a second time, "And he his holy covenant will manifest to them." On the morrow morning, reflecting on my past life, this thought heavily went through my heart, viz. That I had been neglected, and broken, and was now fallen down; presently after, I was surprisingly catched, and my case explained, and hope given, reading in my ordinary Psalm 107 particularly ver. 11–13. Once, just as I was going to prayer,
that was suggested to me, "They that wait on thee shall not be ashamed." See Isa. 49:23. And this passage, and that of Psalm 25 are useful to help me to wait, though relief is not yet come. The conviction of my rashness in this undertaking is renewed; though still I cannot but think it is my duty to hold on; and thereto is added a conviction of my two little concern for the honour of Christ and his kingly office.
Nov. 9.—Being just on the point of settling my children's portions by assignation, I had yesterday an account of one of my debtors being broken, whereby my measures are quite disconcerted. This day having sent away my son, to use diligence on that head, and to arrest, I did some time after sit down to my studies, being several ways unfitted for them, and with little of success. But it pleased the sovereign Lord to loose the arrestment he had laid on my spirit, and kept on me about fourteen days. This sweet tryst made me very easy as to that secular affair. He has kept up the deliverance till the fittest time of giving it. O the nothingness of the creature, and of gifts, without the Spirit! God has accomplished his word that was my comfort in my affliction. He has manifested the covenant; I am not ashamed. I see now, this is a great work, and that I need to depend on the Lord for strength of body, and for light, for that effect, as in the former.
Nov. 14.—By letters from Edinburgh I find, that a third part of the Latin MS. on the accentuation is amissing; and nine sheets of the copy of the first part. My wife has been for some time worse than before. Considering those things, with the breach made on my substance, I saw myself beset, and upon the trial of my faith, hope, patience, resignation; and therefore aimed at exercising these graces, and I hope not in vain. I am now brought to look and cry to the Lord, for continuance of life, for bodily strength, and light, for the study of the catechism, as in my former of the Hebrew. On Sabbath night, Psalm 32:7, to the end, sung in the family, was full of light and sweetness to me, "Thou art my hiding-place." &c.
Nov. 27.—On Wednesday last, having been in particular concern for my wife, that was seasonably brought me; Psalm 146:7, 8, "The Lord looseth the prisoners,—raiseth them that are bowed down." At family-worship on Thursday's night, having observed, on David's leaving ten concubines of his to keep the house; 2 Sam. 15 compared with chap. 12:11, how, without the Spirit's bringing to remembrance, a word may be quite forgot in the season thereof, I got a sad experience of it presently, after singing Psalm 37:8. On Saturday's night it was sweet to me to observe in singing ver. 26, ibid. that in the way of the covenant, the securing provision for our seed, lies not in getting in, but giving out; and it was comfortably brought to my remembrance, with what a good-will to do good to that man I put that sum of money in his hand.
Dec. 1.—Yesterday morning my son going away again to prosecute that business aforesaid, I was obliged to give him all the money I had, save a little; which money should have gone for family-use. I was helped to trust the Lord for provision; and that very night money was unexpectedly brought to my hand, wherewith I was, furnished for sending to the market. In the conduct of Providence, at his going first away on that business, I saw how the Lord, who had seen that stroke necessary for me and my family, yet had managed me therein with fatherly pity and tenderness, which made me very easy about the matter.
Dec. 10.—Last week, I was informed, that the third part of the Latin MS. for which I had been in concern before the Lord, was recovered. Also the Lord dealt favourably in my domestic concerns.
Dec. 18.—Last week I had a fit of the gravel, owing to my suffering myself to be tossed with an old temptation, the fountain of much sorrow to me; whereby I perceived Providence was in earnest for subduing my spirit in that point. O, to be like a weaned child!
Jan. 8, 1728.—Matters appear more hopeless, with respect to my essay on the accentuation, and my wife's case. Only the nine sheets
are also found again. I have this season had two experiences of the Lord's bearing me up, in going his errands in the parish, notwithstanding of the cold I am so unable to suffer. I find the consideration of electing love, and of affliction, as the common lot of God's children, helpful to me for patience under my trials.
Jan. 15.—Last week, being the only week for a good time that I did not catechise, having gone through the parish for the first time, I had two fits of the gravel. So I see I must be doing. I found I reaped some soul-advantage by them, especially the first, having given myself to solemn prayer on Wednesday.
Jan. 23.—On Friday last I had two fits of the gravel again. I received no relief in the case, but after sore vomiting. So recovering out of one of them, and going to family-worship, I was exceedingly comforted with the first word sung; Psalm 68:13, "Though ye have lien among the pots." &c.
Jan. 29.—The gravel still hanging about me, my progress on the catechism is stopped. And now my soul is often saying, "Lord, shall I not have wherewith to feed thy lambs, to feed thy sheep!"
Feb. 12.—Still that illness hangs about me. Faith being strengthened, I had last week some comfortable view of the resurrection, being on that question.
March 5.—On the Lord's day, Feb. 18, I was to enter on the subject of the Lord's hearing of prayer, having been led thereto by my wife's case, and the exercise on my spirit about it; and insisted thereon from the first Sabbath of the preceding August. What I mainly insisted on, was, "the Spirit's help in prayer," from Rom. 8:26, "The Spirit helpeth our infirmities," &c. I had fondly thought that perhaps the Lord might tryst the deliverance of my wife, with my being on that subject; but that morning I found she had all the night been, and still was, in a high fever; and thus was I met, at my entry on that subject. Yet it staggered me not, considering the usual method of
Providence with me. The fever proceeded, with an inflammation that went over her face and head; and such were the turns in her case all that week, and part of the next, that I was made to reel and stagger like one drunk; often seeing the knife at the throat of all the tokens for hope I had. But readily in prayer, when hardest put to it, that came before me, "I will come and heal her;" and my text; Psalm 65:2, "O thou that hearest prayer," had a kindly sweetness about it to me. On the Friday morning, when I should have entered on my studies, (that being my ordinary study day), and particularly on that head, That God is the hearer of prayer, and will hear the prayers of his people, I was called to wait on her, now brought to an extremity, and could have no access to study all that day. This was a sharp trial. I lay that night in the folding bed, in the room where she lay; ordered away an express to Edinburgh, to call home my eldest son; and on the morrow got something scraped together on the head aforesaid. On the Sabbath morning, being heavily affected with the case, I went to prayer, and laid it before the Lord; I desired he would work a deliverance, and would please to allow us a breathing time for a while, before our sun should set; and I thought I saw, that that prayer was made by the help of his Spirit, laid for acceptance on the intercession of his Son; and begged the outmaking of his word to me. Thereafter taking the Bible, I thought with myself, That is God's word to ME, wherein I am to hear from heaven, and receive my answer; so I read in my ordinary, and that was made sweet to me; Isa. 64:4, and 65:8, but above all, ver. 10, "And Sharon shall be a fold of flocks, and the valley of Achor a place for the herds to lie down in, for my people that have sought me." I have been thinking, I would tell her for her encouragement, how I had purposely addressed the throne of grace for her case, once every week since the time aforesaid, and was hopeful I would be heard; howbeit I did not tell her. But by that means that word, "And the valley of Achor—that have sought me," through the divine blessing, was as oil to my weary bones. As I sought, so I got an optunity to preach the Lord's word, and particularly the head aforesaid. But never all the time did she, to me, look more like a dying person, than just when I came from that sermon; howbeit I was not thereby staggered. On the Monday came
Mr. Wilson, and my son also; and by that time the case appeared more hopeful. Yet such turns were in it now and then, as made me reel and stagger again. Next Friday morning, rising somewhat early for my studies of my sermon; hoping I would now get access thereto, I was called down by the time I had got out of bed. And I having, the night before expressed great confidence in her case, she desired me to let go some of my confidence with respect to it, telling me what she felt as to the case of her body. This brought me under a great damp, heightened by my falling to study that day, as I could get access, how prayer might be accepted, and yet not granted. By that means an embargo was laid on my spirit, in private and secret, which continued till Sabbath morning; at which time there was a blowing on me. In the time of this damp, I turned to the promise; Rom. 8:28, to believe that with application whatever should come. she seems now, by the good hand of God, to be returned to her ordinary.
During this additional trial in my wife's case, the Lord was very gracious to her. Before its coming on, she had a secret impression or intimation of a trial abiding her; and this word; Isa. 43:2, "When then passest through the water, I will be with thee," &c., which was given her at her entering many years age into the long dark valley, was made fresh on her spirit. About the beginning of the week, after falling into the fever, awaking out of sleep in the night, she found herself so very low, that she could hardly have spoke to awaken her daughter lying beside her, but still having the exercise of her judgment. She thought, that looked very like death, and therefore turned her thoughts towards the word; and the foundation of faith was cleared to her from John 3:16, "God so loved the world," &c. She saw the promise as a boat on the water, free for any sinner to go into; and as a rope fixed on both sides of the water, free to them to take hold of, for their security, to be thereby wafted over; and she was helped to lay hold on it for her security, believing it. Then she thought with herself, O that I had comfort too! And considering, that when the promise comes not in, the sinner may go out unto it, and seek it, she set herself to seek accordingly; but then was brought into her, as without seeking, that word; Cant. 4:8, "Come with me from
Lebanon," &c., and that chap. 2:11, "For lo, the winter is past," &c. That time appeared to her to be a gathering time; and accordingly she set herself to gather promises, and got them abundantly; and she sung in her heart, "To these long desolations, thy feet lift, do not tarry, for all the ills thy foes hath done within thy sanctuary." It was as it were said to her, What is thy petition? She found that all that time the body of death had not made its usual molestation; that she as it were looked about for it, saying What is become of the body of death now? And it was as it were answered, It was in the stocks. She looked about for her melancholy, to see what was become of it; and saw it as it had been a spark of fire under ashes; said within herself, Lord, if I shall be returned to life, and be set again on the gaping waters, I will fall a-doubting, and dishonouring thee again; and that bolted in on her, "My grace is sufficient for thee."
During the same time, the gravel hanging about me, I rode a little ordinarily every day, on that account. Twice I took horse with the fit on me, and the riding carried it off. I had resolved to settle my affairs anew by testament, and on the Monday after she fell ill I attempted it; but could do nothing to purpose; and hitherto I have had no access to effect it. On the last of February, my MS. on the accentuation was returned, being transcribed; and a letter by Mr. Wilson to Jerviswood was concerted.
On the 8th of March, the fever began to recur with the inflammation, but was mercifully carried by. That word has been much on her spirit, "Be still, and know that I am God;" sometime that, "Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord." And the voice of God to her with respect to her melancholy seemed to be, That she should stand to her post. Whatever be the issue, the Lord has so kindly managed this additional trial, that neither she nor I have been put behind the hand.
March 14.—Since the first of this month, I have been sensibly easier as to my gravel, and in better health than before. Yesterday we kept a
congregational fast for the season, and bodily strength was furnished me to my wonder.
March 25.—Howbeit, after it, the weather turned very bad; so the Lord has answered us by terrible things in righteousness. I am now near the end of my preaching on the hearing of prayer, but no appearance of my wife's deliverance, the trouble rather increasing; withal I am turned worse as to my own body. These things have shaken me sore; and now for some time it hath been my desire and aim, to be resigned, and to be content to sit still under my cloud the Lord has cast over me. Howbeit, the latter end of last week, the Lord renewed his comforts to my wife's soul, and made her to say, He hath well compensated all her seven years' trouble, her soul being carried out with full bent to Jesus Christ in the promise; she saw the Lord her dwelling-place, and tasted the sweetness of his relations, particularly that of a husband; in which case beginning to say, Might she not look for a deliverance; it was laid on her spirit, that she stood more in need of patience and resignation; and therewith a sweet calm went through her soul; particularly she gave me an account, which I have here set down in her name, as follows:—
"I have often aimed at embracing the everlasting covenant hold forth in the gospel, and saw my welcome thereto; was willing also to betake myself to it, with my whole heart and often essayed it. My defect still lay in the want of that confidence of faith that the covenant should be made forthcoming to me, according to my needs, for time and eternity; fear still prevailing, and keeping me as it were standing on loose ground. But on March 21, betwixt two and four o'clock in the morning, on my bed of affliction, it pleased the Lord to stir me up, and help me to essay it again, and to get that gap in some measure filled up. Being deeply convinced of the sin of my nature, and judging it to be the source of my unfixedness, I did, in the first place, make confession of the sin of my nature, life, and practice, being as particular therein as I could reach; especially confessing my predominant sin, and laying my heart open to the omniscient God, to search and try it, in the most retired corners thereof; that if there was
any lust or idol that I knew not of, I might be made sensible of the same; and I judged and condemned myself, as deserving nothing but the utmost of God's indignation. Then I looked to the way of salvation held forth in the word of the gospel; beheld Jesus Christ, a Saviour every way suited to my needs, my lost and undone condition. I saw an absolute need of him, in all his offices; and a glorious fitness in them, and each of them, for my case. So I did, with the whole bent of my soul, embrace the everlasting covenant held forth to me in the word of the gospel of grace; cast myself over on the Lord Jesus Christ, and receive him in all his offices; take God for my God in him; and, with my whole heart give up myself, soul and body, to be the Lord's for ever; my soul going out after Christ in his kingly office, as much as in the rest, for the sanctification of my nature, and subduing of my strong corruptions, without reserve; especially my predominant, which I saw head and shoulders above the rest; being sincerely desirous, in the sight of God, never to entertain peaceably, but, through his covenant-grace, to war against every lust whatsoever, though a right hand, or right eye. And I was in a good measure brought to a confident persuasion, that this foundation of the everlasting covenant, on which I had bottomed my soul for time and eternity, had all things in it needful for me; and that it should be made forthcoming to me, for my several needs for time and eternity, according to his faithful word of promise; pleading, that my failings should not make void this transaction, and that I be allowed to remember it, and renew it, as often as need requires. And having for my exercise a more than ordinary load on my spirit, I did, with all the solemn seriousness I was capable of, beg and request for the Lord's pity and help in that particular; and that if he saw it meet he might remove it, but if it must continue, that he would keep me near himself in it; that his grace may be sufficient for me, and I may be kept from sinking into despondency, still believing in the worst of times, that God is my God in Jesus Christ the Mediator, and will with the temptation give an outgate, or strength to bear it. And with the same solemn seriousness, I begged, that his Spirit, whom I was helped to look to for assistance in this my address, might all along direct, guide, and assist me in my addresses to him for the supply of