How will I stand with them before the tribunal of God, if I join with
spent in necessary business, I betook myself to meditate on my sermons that I had studied; and while, in my meditations, I was upon that Lead of them, the vanities of riches, just then one knocked at my chamber-door, whom opening to, I found to be a man from Simprin, who delivered to me a letter with their call. This did somewhat damp me. The letter was from a committee of the Presbytery, signifying that the call, being presented to them, and sustained legal, they exhorted and invited me to accept thereof; and had appointed me a common head, together with exercise and addition, to be delivered at Churnside on the 22d. I read also the call, and returned it to the bearer, shewing him, that I would consider of it, attend the Presbytery, and also preach at Simprin on the morrow eight day for my own clearing in the matter; charging him to tell the elders, to be serious with God for light and direction to me therein. After his departure, I went and poured out my soul before the Lord, for the discovery of his mind concerning it. Afterwards I thought thereon, and found my unwillingness on account of the smallness of their number; but in opposition thereto, a fear of my ignorance of the weight of the work of the ministry, seized me; and it seemed to me I had not been enough humbled for my former levity, but that the Lord saw it necessary to humble me farther for it; and I got my heart contented, and found that the Lord "strengthened me with strength in my soul'" to wait on him, and follow the conduct of his providence. Thereafter I meditated on the rest of my sermons.
Having preached at Dunse on the Sabbath, I gave myself on the Monday to fasting and prayer, to seek of the Lord a right way, in that matter now laid before me; breaking over an averseness I found to that exercise ungrateful to the flesh. Three things were suggested to me, prompting me to be so at pains for light in that matter; thinking with myself thus: 1. Unless I be sure of my call to it from the Lord, how will I stand against the discouragements I will meet with there? 2. How can I think of profiting them, if he send me not to them? 3. How will I stand with them before the tribunal of God, if I join with them without a call from himself? Having read Ezra 9 and 10, I went to prayer, to prepare my heart for the work; thought a while, and
then went to prayer again, and poured out my soul before the Lord. Thereafter I read the written confession of sin, which is above mentioned, and then made an additional one, in writing too. Which done, I thought on my sins and heart-monsters, till my soul was more humbled in me, then bowing my knees before the Lord, I read over the two confessions aforesaid; poured out my soul before him, making a particular confession of my sins, so far as I could remember them; arraigned and condemned myself, and looked to the Lord, in the promise, for mercy. After that, minding to renew the covenant with God, and subscribe it with my hand, I drew it up in writing; which done, I prayed, the Spirit blowing on me; and I was greatly helped to resoluteness for Christ, resolving, if I perished, I should die at his door. Then I examined myself, as to my willingness to adhere unto it, and subscribe it, in all the parts thereof, severally and distinctly; and having found myself willing, I poured out my soul before him in prayer; in which prayer, having some such expression as this, "O Lord, art thou willing!" that word came to me, "All things are ready, come to the marriage;" to this, "Amen" said my soul. Rising up, I wrote down these words in the paper I had drawn, and looking up to the Lord, I subscribed it with my hand. I wrote down there also, Jer. 30:22; Deut. 33:27; 2 Cor. 12:9. That paper is in retentis.* After this, I meditated a while; then I went to prayer for the benefits of the covenant, particularly for that which was the occasion of this day's exercise; I cried for light, and was laid down at his feet; and came away cheerfully and contentedly, my soul saying, "Where thou wilt, Lord; for he strengthened me with strength in my soul." Then, thinking on the business, I considered and put down in writing, that I might the better judge thereof, First, Some things seeming to clear my call to Simprin, as follows: 1. My being cast into this country, where I was exposed to it, and God's closing up all other doors hitherto. 2. On the 10th of June, Mr. Dysert wrote a letter in my favour to the elders of Simprin, and gave it me to dispatch to them. I took it, but afterwards tore it in pieces (on what occasion, I cannot now find out); yet on July 4, being resolved to leave this country next week, being resolved to go over Forth first, and then to Galloway, I was obliged to go to the Presbytery of Churnside, to meet
with Mr. Dysert, to borrow some money of him necessary for my going out of the country; but when I saw him, I could not command so much confidence as to ask it of him. But the Presbytery took occasion to invite me to preach at Simprin next Lord's day; which I could not but consent to, knowing of no other place I was trysted to; and this was the first time I ever preached in Simprin. My father went to Mr. Dysert on the morrow for that purpose; but he could not answer my desires. Thus was I locked in. 3. I have experienced, that I have been most for complying with it, when I saw most of the vanity of the world, and had meanest thoughts of myself. 4. On the 8th of August it was told me, that Langton minded to shift the business of Simprin till Michaelmas were over, which would have made the closing with that call almost impracticable, on account of my particular circumstances; so that it seemed the Lord had a mind I should not settle in the Merse. So that night and the morrow morning, thinking the business of Simprin all over, I desired of the Lord he should shew me how to dispose of myself. And after this, August 9, I was surprised with a visit from Mr. James Murray, who entreated me to go to Nithsdale, giving good hopes of a comfortable settlement there. His coming to me at that nick of time seemed at first to be determining; but in the very meantime there comes in one from Simprin, shewing me, that the Laird had written a letter to one of the ministers; and that the business might yet be done in due time. This put me again to a stand. Thereafter I found the Laird had written to the Presbytery to go on. My inclination was to go to Nithsdale, and I was racked betwixt the two. After prayer for light, I found I durst not yet leave Simprin. 5. I could not but notice my preaching at Simprin on the emptiness of all things besides Christ, the only sermon yet preached there by me. On the 12th of August, in the forenoon, I studied a sermon of the vanity of the world, on Psalm 119:66, being to preach it in Dunse; and just when I was meditating on that head of it, the vanity of riches, one knocks at my chamberdoor, I opened, and found it was a man from Simprin, who delivered me a letter from a committee of the Presbytery, with the call of Simprin; which did somewhat damp and discourage me. Hereby the Lord seemed to try whether I was really in earnest with these things
or not. When the man went away, I poured out my soul to the Lord for light, afterwards thought on the business, got my heart contented, and I thought the Lord strengthened me with strength in my soul, to wait on and follow the conduct of providence. 6. The light I have attained in this business bridles my corruptions of worldlymindedness, &c., and my own inclinations. And I have attained to a more deep impression of the weight of the work of the ministry than before; which I find, contributes to my clearness as to the accepting of that call. The consideration of these things after prayer, makes it some more than probable to me that this matter is of God, and fully determines me to go on in my trials, leaving the more full determination of the main thing till afterwards. Secondly, The grounds of my aversion to it. 1. The rarity of the godly in this country. This I found to be but a discouragement. 2. The very smallness of the charge. When I was considering the weight of the work of the ministry, I got a silencing answer to that. 3. The smallness of the stipend. This seems to be a temptation. The light I had from the Lord this day hath downweighed this. 4. I suspect I am more useful for God in my vagrant state, than I would be if minister of Simprin. It may be otherwise. The Lord is to make use of me as he pleaseth. I truly fear it is the pride of my heart that is the source of this. This however I found could be no just ground of scrupling, though a discouragement; and I further considered, that I knew not what honourable use the Lord might have for me there. I had formerly taken some thoughts of my call to the preaching of the gospel in general, which are noted in the above mentioned soliloquy, pp. 29, 30, [of the printed copy.] And there remained no doubt thereof with me; and my clearness in that point had been a good support to me, under the discouragements I met with. Having thus considered these things, I went to God again, poured out my soul, and laid all out before him; and had that word, Matth. 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Afterward I wrote a line for some books necessary for me on my trials; and in the meantime came in to me the abovementioned Patrick Gillis, one of my two praying school-fellows. Him sovereign providence had entirely laid aside from his design of
pursuing learning; and with him I conversed a while, and prayed. After he went away, I went to prayer again, with confidence in the Lord, having such clearness as said is. By this time the sun was down; then having given thanks to the Lord, for his assistance through the day, and for what light I had attained unto, and sought strength for carrying me on in the work immediately before me, viz. my trials, I went forth.
It hath cost no small struggling to put the knife to the throat of my inclinations in this affair, and to sacrifice them to the good pleasure of God. In the remaining part of that week, I prepared my exegesis de idololatria, exercise and addition on Eph. 1:5; and on the 18th, thinking on a text for Simprin, found none, till in bed in my meditations, that word; 1 Pet. 5:5, "For God resisteth the proud," &c., came to my mind; which I thought I would take, and that in regard I find the pride of my heart creating me much trouble, while I think on the business of Simprin; for I reckon always, that if I were more humble, I would go on more cheerfully in that affair. I was waiting for further light therein, to break up to me from my trials; thinking with myself, that if the Lord should please to help me in them, it would much contribute to clear me. But after my entering on the study of the exercise, with a pretty good run, the wind fell; and I was left to tug and row in it, and in the addition, even to the end. But behold! this very thing, shewing me my own emptiness, contributed not a little to the clearing of me, that if I was at all to be admitted to the holy ministry, it should be at Simprin, as unfit for a more considerable post. Thus the Lord brought about what I was waiting for, in a way quite contrary to that wherein I was looking for it.
On the Tuesday after, being the 22d, I went to Churnside to the Presbytery, by that time disjoined from the Presbytery of Dunse. Before I went to the pulpit, my case, with respect to myself and others, lying heavy on me, did, with other needs, send me often to God by prayer. But after one prayer in public, wherein I had something of his presence, my frame much decayed, and the Lord left me much to the weight of my natural disposition; fear of man so
prevailing, that the glass being run twice, I thought it had run but once, and so held on; inasmuch that the exercise lasted above an hour and a quarter; and they stopped me after delivering a part of the addition. This made me wonder how I had passed my first trials; but God fits the back for the burden. I overheard their censures. The manner of management could not miss to fret them; but I was approved in that piece of trial, as afterward in the exegesis. The moderator presented me the call of Simprin, which I received of his hand; but returned it to the clerk, shewing I would further consider of it. At the dinner I was much discouraged, and was inclined to wish in my heart I might not be settled in that country.
In the latter end of the week, the frame of my spirit being bad, and even unfit for study, it was grievous to me in respect of my circumstances, which called for another temper of spirit. But preaching at Lennel on the Lord's day, I got some relief; and on the Monday after, that word, Numb. 23:19, "God is not a man, that he should lie, neither the son of man, that he should repent," was exceedingly useful to me, for quieting my heart, with respect to all baseness concerning me; having some confidence, that his purpose would be found for good to me, what way soever things should go. And on the morrow, after reading for my chronologic trials, I was inclined to pray, and did so, rolling all over on God.
On Wednesday the 30th, Mr. Colden shewed me, he was sorry I had so far accepted the call of Simprin, in regard to a call to Hownam might have been procured. I told him, I durst not do otherwise than I had done; and shewed him a providental step pointing that way; the weight whereof he owned. On the morrow, having perfected my popular sermon, I was edified and satisfied therewith. At night I began to think of the near approach of the Presbytery. when I might be required to give an answer to the call. The prospect of this was very heavy to me. I considered it a while with a sad heart; Dollar was desirable to me; Simprin was not so. When I thought how God owned me elsewhere, and what converse I had with the godly in that country, my heart was much cast down, being to be closed up in such
a part of the country as is most dead and lifeless. I have little myself of life or heat, and I fear I may lose what I have or have had. I saw then my sin in itching after a settlement, when the Lord did countenance me so much in my vagrant state. So I poured out my soul before the Lord, mainly with respect to the present exigence. That word, Psalm 25:9, came into my mind. Wherefore my soul desires to lay down itself at his feet. Let him do with me as he will; I am his own.
Sept. 1.—Being conscious to myself of my desire to follow God's call, the above-mentioned word; Psalm 25:9, "The meek will he guide in judgment, and the meek will he teach his way," was sweet. I began to think about closing with the call to Simprin. I think providence seems to determine to it; but I cannot yet think of giving a positive answer against Tuesday next, but would fain have some days after to think on it, when I am free of other business: not that I think to get free of it, but that in the use of means I would wait for such light as may make me go on more cheerfully in it, and deliberately, for a foundation for the time to come. So I went to prayer; and thereafter began to think on it; but could not attain such serious thoughts of it as I would have had; so that I have nothing to mark as the product of it, save the deceitfulness of my own heart, which is more ready to close with any thing than what is present duty. On this day, I resolved to crave of the Presbytery the following week further to advise, proposing to give my answer to him who should be ordered to serve the edict, and might act according to my answer; for I found not myself in case to do otherwise. After this, in the afternoon of the same day, Mr. Colden told me, it was still against his will I should settle in Simprin; and that he understood, that Mr. Gabriel Semple, minister at Jedburgh, one of the old sufferers, who in the time of the persecution was eminently countenanced of God, with success in the work of the gospel, especially in the borders of England, had taken it amiss that I was not sent to him; the design whereof was to be his colleague, though there was no legal fund for it in the place. This oftener than once had been moved; but I could by no means listen to it; but Mr. Colden desired me not to consent to the call of Simprin till
he should speak with Mr. Semple on the affair of Hownam; the report of which conference I should have that day eight days. I being, before this proposal was made to me, resolved as aforesaid, had no scruple in it; but told him, that whatever might be the issue of that conference, I would not dare to determine the rejecting of the call of Simprin by myself; and I was resolved still to follow on, in what appeared present duty, let the Lord do with me as should seem good in his eyes.
On the morrow, September 2, I received letters, but no word of the affair of Dollar. In the twilight, weary with study, I went to prayer, and, with confidence in the Lord, unbosomed myself to him. And, O but a heavenly frame was sweet in my eyes! and I saw how pleasant a life a habit thereof, if I could reach it, would make. On the morrow after I preached at Simprin.
On Tuesday the 5th, I did with more freedom than the former presbytery-day, deliver my popular sermon, and undergo all the rest of my trials, and was approved. At the Presbytery's desire I gave answer to the call, and that in the terms I had before resolved upon; but with submission. They appointed the edict to be served the following Lord's day, and my ordination to be on Thursday the 21st.
Sept. 7.—I set some time apart for prayer, in order to get direction in this affair. I found no small averseness in my heart to that duty. After prayer, my thoughts being hard to be gathered, that word came; Exod. 33:15, "If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence." I went to God and poured out my soul, wrestling against the bad frame of spirit, blessed the Lord for what he had done for me since I was a preacher, and cried for his countenance in this, meditated on the matter, but with little success. I went to God again; and afterwards some things came to me, clearing me further to accept. And as for my inward thoughts, they were such, that I saw I durst not but go on with it, finding that the more serious I am about light in it, it is the clearer. Afterwards I went to God again, and with much more life and earnestness, the Lord helping, I made my requests, and in