POST 32: People-Pleasing ≠ Belonging
POST 32
People-Pleasing ≠ Belonging
Are you a people pleaser?
Welcome to the club. We all struggle with people-pleasing to a certain degree—some more than others—but it’s a pretty common experience.
People-pleasing can seem like a good idea in the moment, but it rarely ends well. Eventually, it gets impossible to please everyone, and you’ll end up burned out and resentful. People-pleasing can feel like juggling; ultimately, the balls will drop, and you’ll be disappointed in yourself.
If you’ve fallen into patterns of people-pleasing in some of your relationships, chances are you were looking for belonging. There was a person you wanted to be friends with, a teacher whose approval you were seeking, or a group you desperately wanted to be accepted into.
Wanting to belong in and of itself is not a bad thing. We were created to belong. It’s normal. The problem is when we think certain unhealthy tactics will gain us that belonging. People-pleasing is one of those unhealthy tactics.
The Truth about People-Pleasing
We think that if we please the person whose relationship we’re seeking, they will like and accept us. That may be true for a short while, but how long can we be expected to keep that up? It’s likely that we will end up giving in and never speaking up for our own desires. That type of friendship is unbalanced and can get toxic.
Healthy relationships require boundaries, give-and-take, with everyone feeling safe enough to state their truth.
The apostle Paul knew the dangers of people-pleasing all too well. In chapter 1 of his letter to the church in Galatia (vv. 6–10), he called them out for following a gospel other than the one he preached. The Galatians knew the truth but didn’t know how to stand up for it. They allowed false teachers to come into their community and spread lies.
Paul was outraged! Because of people-pleasing, the church was being deceived. Jesus was being misrepresented—a serious wrongdoing. Paul let them know that people-pleasing was unsuitable for a Christian because the only person we are accountable to is Jesus.
And you know what? You already have his approval.
While people-pleasing may gain you someone’s approval for a short while, it won’t last. You will have to keep performing.
God, on the other hand, has already approved of you because of who you are in Christ. Nothing you do or don’t do can ever change that.
You can leave people-pleasing behind, because what you’re seeking is already yours.
READING GOD’S WORD
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10 NIV)
People are trapped by their fear of others;
those who trust the LORD are secure. (Proverbs 29:25)
We have been examined and approved by God to be trusted with the good news, and that’s exactly how we speak. We aren’t trying to please people, but we are trying to please God, who continues to examine our hearts. (1 Thessalonians 2:4)
REFLECT AND RESPOND
Journaling Questions
Do you struggle with people-pleasing? Why do you think that is?
Have you ever felt the negative effects of people-pleasing? What were they?
Does knowing you already have the approval and acceptance of God change anything for you? In what ways?
Pray This Prayer
God, I am so thankful that you already approve of me and love me. I never have to work to gain your love, because it’s already mine. Next time I feel the temptation to people-please, remind me that I don’t have to do that. May I walk in the truth of who I am in Christ. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do to combat people-pleasing is saying no. If you have a hard time saying no to people’s requests, this is a great exercise to try!
Get together with a trusted friend and practice saying no. This may feel awkward, but the more you get used to saying no out loud, the easier it will be when you’re in a real situation in which you want to draw a boundary.
Make up scenarios that usually make you uncomfortable, and practice saying no to each other.
Want to go to the movies? No, thanks!
Will you share your math notes with me? No, that’s not a good idea.
Let’s skip class tomorrow. No, I’d rather not.
Some scenarios in which you might want or need to say no include:
THE TAKEAWAY
We may think people-pleasing is the price we must pay for acceptance, but it’s not worth it because we are already fully accepted by God.