288. Repentance is not essentially a feeling
288. REPENTANCE IS NOT ESSENTIALLY A FEELING
St. Thomas calls it “penance”. We call it “repentance.” But what is repentance? How can I be sure I have truly repented of all my sins? Sometimes I feel deep contrition and sorrow for my sins and sometimes I do not. How can I find the dividing line between true repentance, repentance that actually “works”, and something less? If repentance is the will not to sin, can I truly repent if I am not sure I have this will, deep down? Perhaps I have only the will to will not to sin. Is that true repentance? Or is this whole question mistaken in treating repentance as if it were a feeling?
We can speak of penance in two ways: first, in so far as it is a passion (emotion, feeling), and thus, since it is a kind of sorrow, it is in the concupiscible (desiring) part . . . secondly, in so far as it is a virtue, and . . . is . . . in the rational appetite, which is the will. Therefore it is evident that penance, in so far as it is a virtue, is . . . in the will, and its proper act is the purpose of amending what was committed against God (III,85,4).
The feeling of contrition (sorrow for sin) is a very good and natural and holy thing, but it is not the essence of repentance, nor is it an absolutely essential part of it. We are judged on what depends on our “we”, our “I”, our personal center, our “heart” in the Biblical sense of that term, which means not merely the source of our feelings or sentiments or emotions (St. Thomas calls them “passions”), but the source of our fundamental choices, which we make by our will rather than by our feelings. Feelings don’t choose. They just feel.
The emotions are related to the will somewhat as clothing is related to the body. They are not the body itself, but a healthy person always has them (at least in public). Lack of appropriate emotions is not a strength but a weakness, a problem. Yet emotions are not the essence, they are “proper accidents”. When we will to repent, we repent, because repentance is an act of the will, not an act of the feelings. We can feel sorrow for sin without repenting of sin in our will (for instance when we regret a drunken spree yesterday because of the pain of the present hangover, but plan to get drunk again tomorrow). We can also repent without feeling anything. We can will and act without the additional motivation of feelings, as we can love a stranger whom we never met and have no personal feelings for. In fact we can love him so much that we risk our life to save him from a burning building. We can even act against our feelings, as in this example, where we will certainly feel fear of fire. Well—integrated healthy emotions are great helpers, like shoes, but they are not the legs that run the journey.
Repentance is a moral virtue. We are responsible for it. We are to blame for lacking it. We must, therefore, be in control of it. We are in control of our will’s choices, but not (at least directly) of our emotions and feelings. Repentance is commanded; but it is impossible to command a feeling. (How foolish for me to command you to feel differently about me!) Therefore repentance is not essentially a feeling.
Therefore if we lack the feeling of repentance but nevertheless want to repent; if we choose repentance with the will; we are then repenting, since repentance is that choice of the will. We can also want to have the feeling of sorrow for sin when we do not have it and should have it; and this mere wanting, this willing, this choice to have the right feeling as well as the willing “counts” with God as full repentance.
If we are still unsure whether or not we have repented, the test is simple: do we choose to make amends, to change, to undo the wrong we did? For instance, if the sin is adultery, do we break with and say no to the illicit other person? If the sin is lust, do we destroy every form of pornography we had? If not, we are not repenting, but willing to keep sinning. We may fail and fall again after sincere repentance; but if we are really repenting, we must get on the right horse first, before we can either stay on it or fall off it again. We cannot be off it and on it at the same time. And if we are planning and intending to fall off it, we are already off it.