Building a Bridge
15.Bonds and Bridges
Friendships and connections that build over time and can last a lifetime…
Studies suggest that the bonds a child experiences with their first caregivers will determine their ability to trust and love throughout their lives. It makes sense, then, that having your child in an environment where they are loved and nurtured would help influence the type of individual they become. Too often, daycare is considered as just a place for kids to go while their parents are at work, but is that really all it is?
While in daycare, children learn many things, but more important are the bonds and social skills they will develop with people outside of their family. They will develop close bonds with their caregivers and capture their hearts in so many ways. They will also develop first friendships that will often run deeper and last longer than parents would have ever expected. Most importantly, they will cultivate a sense of self and build bridges that will take them where they want to go in life. It’s well known that the foundation is the strongest part of any structure. Children’s daycare experiences will help them lay a strong foundation for a lifetime of loving, learning and success.
Love Connection
Childcare providers typically choose to be providers because they love and care about children. They can form very close bonds with the children in their care, especially when they begin caring for them as infants, and they get to experience a child growing up and reaching new milestones. Often times, parents don’t realize just how strong these bonds are, or how hard it can be on the provider when a family’s needs change and a child moves on.
A little girl had been attending a home daycare since she was six weeks old and had formed a very close bond with her daycare family. She was the same age as one of the provider’s daughters and the two little girls had become best friends. The provider loved this bright, funny little girl and had been there to see her take her first steps, had watched her blow out her first birthday candle and, day by day, had watched her grow, learn, and develop new skills. The provider loved all of the kids in her care, but because of the friendship this child had with her daughter, she had an even closer bond with her. This child would often go to the provider’s house for play dates, and visit on the weekends as well.
About a month after the little girl turned four, her mom told the provider she had a big announcement. She had received a promotion at work and her new job would be in a different city, about an hour away. They had decided to move and were extremely excited about their new future. The provider congratulated the mom and wished her luck in her new position, meanwhile wondering and worrying about how this was going to affect her life. The mom then casually added that she would be placing her daughter in the daycare at her work.
The provider, while happy for the family, suddenly felt sad. She couldn’t imagine the thought of not seeing this child every day, and she knew that her daughter would be lost without her best friend. That night, as she broke down in tears, she couldn’t help but wonder how the child was going to handle these big changes. Would she miss her daycare family as much as they would miss her? Would she be happy in her new daycare? Of course she knew families moved on for different reasons, and kids came and went, but she wondered if parents ever considered how hard it could be for providers to say goodbye to a child for whom they’ve cared for, for years and who had come to feel like their own.
Providers, just like parents, work tirelessly each day to care for and essentially help raise their daycare children. They become invested in your children’s future and help to increase their chances of success. When a change makes it necessary for a child to leave our care, we are often left with a void to fill. As strange as it may sound, we will often mourn the loss of a child who we loved, formed a bond with and helped to develop, when he or she suddenly leaves our life for good. We realize, of course, there are no guarantees about how long a child will stay in daycare, but when they do move on, it means so much to us to know what we meant to that family. There’s no greater compliment to a provider than to receive a Christmas card or an updated picture of a family that left our care, or a visit from them years later. It reminds us that that even though we were in their lives for only a limited time, we are still in their hearts and on their minds. Children have a special way of leaving marks on the hearts that they touch, and those early bonds and bridges that are formed can often last a lifetime.
• • • • •
When a child leaves a daycare, their absence can always be felt. The dynamics of the group always changes and their little face is definitely missed in the crowd.
• • • • •
Gone too Soon
A little boy started in our infant room at a few months old, and about a year later, he was about ready to move up to the Toddler Room. His parents were very friendly and we always had nice little chats here and there during pickup times. This child’s mom was in her early 30s and seemed healthy and well. One day she came in limping and complained she wasn’t feeling right. In the following weeks, her arms and legs got progressively weaker and she began going in for all kinds of tests.
A few weeks later, we received the horrific news that she was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease, also known as ALS. We all knew what this meant, but I did not want to accept the fact that this parent (who was the same age as myself) with a young toddler had less than a year to live. We all hoped and prayed for the best. Within a few weeks, she became wheelchair-bound and was no longer able to work. At that point, I offered the services of myself and my staff, and told her and her husband we would help in any way we could.
It became difficult for the toddler’s dad to bring him to daycare and pick him up, while tending to his wife at home, as well as continuing to work almost daily. We offered to begin picking up their son in the mornings, and dropping him off at the end of the day. This became our daily routine for the next several months, and during that time, we all developed a closer bond with this family. My bond grew especially close with his mom as I visited her weekly in the afternoons to offer my support, and sometimes bring her lunch.
By this time, she was aware she had only a few months left. When I asked her if there was anything else I could do for her, or any wishes I could fulfill, she said she had everything covered. The courage with which she accepted her fate, and her undeniable, unbroken faith in God, left me completely in awe. It seemed I was angrier at God than she was! She told me she was at peace knowing she had chosen the right daycare, and she knew we would continue to take good care of her son. It was all I could do to keep from falling apart, and I couldn’t have thanked her more for her kind words, and what they meant to me. I told her that I knew she would be watching us from above, and we would make her proud by continuing to take good care of her son and help him develop to be his best. The certainty of knowing we were truly this child’s second family now strengthened the bond his caregivers had already formed with him.
As I witnessed her passing days, watching her son run around while she sat, unable to hold him and interact with him, it continued to break my heart. But she remained strong; each time I would bring him home at the end of the day, her face would light up at the sight of him! Her son knew that his mom couldn’t pick him up, so I would seat him in her lap, and he would stay there as long as a busy toddler can stay seated.
Although I knew a miracle cure was not going to save her, I was still not prepared for the morning I received the call that she had passed away. It had barely been 8 months since she first received her diagnosis. I sat and wept…for a mother who didn’t get to experience the joy of watching her child grow, for a wife who didn’t get to grow old with her husband, and for the loss of the daughter, sister and friend she was to others. I cried for the little boy who will not have his mother’s love and presence in his life, and for a life taken away way too soon. Her strength and the dignity with which she carried herself until the very end will continue to inspire me and remind me to be so grateful for all that I have, for the rest of my life.
Choosing childcare is very much like choosing your extended family. It’s a relationship that may last only as long as you need childcare, but the impression left behind, both for the providers and the families, can last forever.
• • • • •
I feel so blessed that since opening my center, so many of the teachers have remained with me for over ten years! This is phenomenal for the daycare business. It takes real passion for working with children to be able to last that long and still be going strong. When you find the right caregivers with that kind of dedication, they truly can become like a second family to your family.
• • • • •
My “Honey”
The cutest and earliest bond I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching form started with a little baby boy and a baby girl. These two enrolled at about the same time, and were both about four months old when they started in the Infant Room. The cribs were organized in a way that positioned the youngest infants’ cribs in front, which meant these two babies had their cribs side by side. Two months went by….
One day, as I was checking on the Infant Room, I stepped into the napping area to peek at the sleeping babies. All were asleep except these two, who were laying in their cribs quietly. The next thing I saw gave me such a sweet surprise: These two little babies had reached their arms out through the crib slats and were holding each other’s hands while smiling. They also had their heads tilted toward each other. It was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen!
For the remainder of their time in the Infant Room, these two could always be found playing together and holding hands (they didn’t let the other infants into their little circle). Eventually, they moved up to the Toddler Room together…
One evening, when the little girl’s mother came to pick her up, the little girl ran over to her buddy, gave him a hug as they had always done, then added, “Bye, Honey.” I happened to be in the room when this happened and was so amused! I wondered if she was perhaps imitating how her parents greeted each other. When I turned to the teacher with a surprised smile on my face, she stated, “They have been doing this for a while now.” This went on for the next three years as they continued to move up in classrooms, and it was always so much fun to see them greet and say goodbye to each other. I ran into the little boy’s mom a few years later after they had left my center and started kindergarten. She said the two of them were still having play dates together and were still calling each other “Honey”.
There are many great moments children experience in a daycare setting with children their own age. Even in the early stages of their lives, they can begin forming bonds and creating strong friendships in ways we never would have thought possible.
Building a Bridge
A mom and dad enrolled their two children in a home daycare but were extremely apprehensive from the very beginning. The boys were two and four years old and had never been in daycare before. Mom and Dad admitted from the start that the boys had some behavioral problems which the parents had not dealt with consistently nor effectively. The daycare provider told the parents that it was never too late to start and she’d be happy to work with them. The parents were relieved to hear this since other providers, including their Sunday school teacher, had been hesitant to work with the boys on these issues.
The following week the boys started attending daycare and the provider immediately realized that the boys’ “behavior problems” were due to the lack of structure, discipline and consistency in their days. A few weeks went by and many practices and routines were put into place by the daycare provider, which she urged the parents to continue at home. She found that the boys actually did very well when they were encouraged with positive reinforcement. They actually embraced the idea of having a “chores chart”, and got quite competitive with each other…in a positive way. Soon Mom and Dad also noticed the positive changes in the boys’ behavior and would look forward to speaking with the provider each night to ask questions and get more ideas for things to implement at home. The more the parents and the provider worked together, the more consistent the results became. The family was so grateful to have found someone willing to work with them, their situation and help guide them toward a successful outcome.
It’s great when parents and daycare providers share a mutual respect for each other’s positions in a child’s upbringing. By establishing a bond between the provider and the parent, a strong, safe bridge gets formed for the child to confidently cross as he advances from one stage of development to the next. When both parties are equally committed and work together toward the building of that bridge, they can achieve the best possible results for the child.