Monkeying Around
6.At Last…
Or Is This Really Just the Beginning?
Now that we have opened your eyes and expanded your horizons to the daycare world, we hope you feel more confident that a successful outcome is indeed possible, but it will require time and effort to find it. You can now recognize the important things to consider versus areas where you can compromise. You are now empowered and encouraged to use your voice to speak up and make your opinions and concerns known; after all, if you don’t, who will? But one of the more important lessons we’ve attempted to share, which we hope you truly understood, is that perfection doesn’t exist – not in daycare nor in life.
Eventually finding the ideal daycare and getting off to a successful start can be a joyous experience, and certainly one to celebrate, but don’t be fooled into thinking that your job is done. Stay diligent and be involved in your child’s daycare to continue making it a positive and successful experience. Like many relationships, the one with your daycare provider may hit some bumps along the way, and when it does, it’s great to be prepared and know what steps to take. Being comfortable with your child’s caregivers, and communicating openly and honestly with them, will leave you with much-needed peace of mind and make this transition easier. On the other hand, always keep a vigilant eye out for red flags, including changes in your child’s behavior, which might be indicative of possible issues at daycare. And most importantly, you need to listen. Listen to what your child is saying about daycare and listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably means it isn’t. If your child is too young to communicate, pay attention to body language when handing your child over to his caregiver and likewise, notice his demeanor when you pick him up.
With your eyes now wide open, and with a greater understanding and appreciation for the daycare world, we hope you are more prepared and able to trust in this journey and also to better handle any “bumps” in the road or challenges along the way.
Momma in Tears
My favorite phone calls to receive at my daycare center are those from new mothers. I’m just so excited for them! I love congratulating them and asking them how parenthood feels, which often takes me back to the joyous moments when I had my first baby. The problem is, most of the new moms are usually in tears when they call.
I was at my center one afternoon when the phone started ringing, which the office assistant normally answers. By the fourth ring, it was clear the assistant was too busy to answer it and voice mail would kick in, so I shot out of my chair and rushed for the phone, practically tripping along the way! On the line was a new mom looking for daycare for her newborn, but the tone of her voice said it all – she was not happy about it. She explained that she had been calling daycares all morning, and to her dismay, she was not hearing or feeling what she had hoped for, and this was going to be her last daycare call.
She started off by asking the general questions most parents ask regarding hours of operation, tuition cost and available openings. I sensed that something was bothering her so I asked if she was okay, and that’s when the floodgates burst open! Talking through tears, she stated she was losing hope because the centers she had called so far sounded very cold and unwelcoming. She didn’t want to even tour them let alone consider leaving her infant there and she was becoming more uneasy about this situation each and every day.
I began to speak to her not as a director, but as one parent to another, and told her how I completely understood where she was coming from. I first assured her that every fear and doubt she was feeling was normal and to be expected. She should be nervous about leaving her child with a complete stranger! One of the main reasons I opened my own center was because I couldn’t imagine leaving my own infant in someone else’s care. Now here I was, telling parents why they should leave their children with me. I shared my beliefs on what a quality childcare program should offer, and how particular I was about the people I hired and the high standards and expectations I had set for myself and my center.
As I do with all parents, I asked her questions about her situation and her needs, her fears about daycare, and whether it was by choice or by necessity so she would be returning to work. These questions allow me to better understand each situation and be able to address each parent’s specific needs and concerns. In this mom’s case, she was devastated to have to go back to work and leave her baby, but because her household required a two-person income, it wasn’t a realistic option for her to quit her job and stay home. As we conversed further and I answered more of her questions, I could hear the tone of her voice changing as she felt more at ease and began to trust me. At the end of our (30-minute) conversation, it seemed she had finally found someone she could talk to and, at last, she might actually trust her baby in a daycare center after all.
I don’t think there’s anything worse than having to leave your little one due to necessity instead of choice, but that’s the reality for many. The best thing to do then is to find a place that feels most like a second home to you and your child. When you call daycares, you really should feel like the person you’re initially speaking with cares about your situation and gives you the time you need. When you set up a tour, request more time if desired. During the tour, pay attention to the way the staff as well as the environment make you feel. Trust your instincts and listen to your intuition. The right place is out there, it just might take a little while longer to find it than you expected.
Have you ever received a frantic call from a close friend or family member and you immediately realize it is your job to just listen, whether you agree or disagree, and not say a word? I recently received such a call from one of my closest friends who lives in another state. We don’t talk very often but when we do, the conversation usually leads to our children and this time was no different.
I received her call while I was in the middle of a hundred things but, when I heard her tone, I knew she needed my attention. She was clearly very upset and angry and, as I tried to figure out the problem, she blurted out, “I never should have taken him to that place! He is out of there! What are they doing all day while they are NOT watching my baby! I’m paying them a fortune and for what, a bruised child?!” I continued to listen to her steady stream of ranting and raving and the only thing I could clearly figure out was that something had obviously happened at her son’s new daycare and someone was obviously going to hear about it!
After a few minutes, I finally got the chance to ask her what had happened. I knew her son had just started daycare a few weeks ago at a place she’d come to believe was “perfection”. She had just recently spoken so highly of this new daycare that I couldn’t believe she was now referring to the same place. She had been so impressed with the staff, the security, the lesson plans and the location. As soon as her son had started at his new daycare, she told me about the daily pictures and updates she had received from the director and how much they had reaffirmed her decision. What could possibly have gone so wrong?
She finally calmed down and stated that her son, who had just turned 2, had come home with a big bump on his forehead. I waited for the rest of the horrible story but that was it. When I asked her to tell me more, she said she had received a call from the child’s teacher telling her he had bumped his head. The teacher said he was fine and they had applied ice but they wanted her to be aware of it. When she had gone to pick him up an hour later she was shocked to see such a large bump and bruise on her child and it made her feel like a bad mom for leaving him in a place that would allow this to happen.
I now felt it was a good time to speak up and I asked her if she felt like someone had hurt her child, to which she replied, “Well, no.” I then informed her that the daycare had done everything right. They had called her to let her know what had happened, and had treated the injury. I also reminded her that she had been consistently happy with the care that her son had been receiving and that kids were going to get occasional bumps and bruises no matter where they were or who they were with. I then asked her if her child had ever bumped his head at home. She quickly answered, “Of course, but I never expected him to get hurt at daycare, those people get paid just to watch kids.”
My friend ended up taking her son back to that daycare the next day, but I think a good lesson was learned. Perfection doesn’t exist anywhere…so don’t kid yourself into thinking it can exist in daycare. You may find an excellent center or a quality home daycare but believe it or not, issues and incidents may still pop up. The challenge is, once they do, can you still see the big picture and realize how the event might have taken place, or will you run at the first sign of difficulty or danger without even considering the facts? If you choose the later, I suggest you invest in a good pair of running shoes…you will need them.
The Last Minute Phone Call
Just after dinner, a parent received a phone call from her child’s daycare. She had her three-year-old twin boys at a center, and the director had spoken to her several times about their behavioral issues. Each time, she would listen and address the issues, hoping that things would get better. That night, when she answered the phone and heard the voice of the daycare center’s owner, she guessed it wasn’t going to be good. Well, it was even worse than she thought!
The director started the conversation by informing her it had been determined, by herself and her staff, the boys were a safety threat not only to the other children, but also to the staff. (We are talking about three-year-old boys here, mind you!) The mother was horrified, and confused as to why they considered the situation to be that extreme. When she had initially enrolled them at the center, the staff was very supportive and she felt good about her choice and hopeful that things would work out. Clearly, things were not working out as she had hoped. The owner went on to say that her children were not allowed to return the next morning and were being dismissed immediately. (Whereas she would have been required to give a two-week notice before withdrawing her children from the center, apparently it was within the center’s policy to kick them out without any notice at all!) She stood there holding the phone in disbelief, feeling hurt and confused. She knew she would have to take the next day off of work to go gather her children’s belongings from their old daycare and figure things out.
The next day she began asking friends and family for referrals to another daycare, and that’s how I ended up on the phone with this mom later that afternoon. When I received her call, she was extremely shaken up and couldn’t get through the conversation without crying. During our conversation, she agreed that her boys would fight sometimes, mainly with each other, but they were not the little monsters that the director of the previous center had described them to be. Her biggest worry was whether another center would even consider taking them after this incident. After getting to know her better and learning more about her sons and their situation, it was evident what an involved and concerned parent she was and I was hopeful that we could help her achieve better results than what she had just experienced.
The next morning she arrived with her sons and we were all expecting something completely different! We were prepared for the worst and even had a plan in place to protect the other children if her sons got out of control. What we didn’t expect to see were these two tiny little boys who immediately won our hearts with their big eyes and exuberant personalities. They quickly had us hooked on every word they spoke, and boy did they speak a lot!
Over the course of the next few days, weeks and months, these children transformed their behavior from one extreme to the other and eventually became completely manageable. As their mom had originally warned, they did fight, but it was almost always with each other. Initially, it took a little extra time and effort to get them accustomed to our rules and expectations but soon enough, they were considered to be “favorites” by many of the teachers. Their mother was in tears again, but this time it was tears of joy. She finally felt she had found the right place for them and was so thankful and overjoyed. We now have had them for over 2 years, and we continue to work with them when they have their “moments”, but then again, we all have our “moments” too.
Sometimes it’s not the children that need changing, but the environment. When children are directed in positive ways and trust their providers, they will be encouraged to change accordingly. If they feel they are being pushed against, they will push back. We have had many kids throughout the years that came to us with issues requiring extra patience and loving attention; fortunately, we had sufficient and competent staff to make this happen. Amazingly, it never takes long to see the positive changes in these children once they have created trusting bonds with their caregivers. No parent should ever feel like his or her child isn’t as great or worthy as another’s. The most important quality to look for in any good daycare is a commitment to helping parents find and bring out the best in each individual child, and to succeed in doing so no matter how challenging that task may turn out to be.
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My center has gained a reputation over the years of being the center that takes all the “unwanted” children. I actually take that as a compliment, because once we take them under our wings and believe they can change, we see magic happen! One should never give up on children. A caregiver’s role is so powerful, and when you find the right players for your child’s team, you can look forward to his success.
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Monkeying Around
You don’t always really know how or when you may stumble upon something that you’ve been looking for, but when you do, it’s pretty exciting. In some cases, you may not even know you were looking for something until it’s right there in front of you and it has actually found you.
During long summer days, I would often take my small group of daycare kids to a really fun park near my home. This park was a favorite of the kids. We usually enjoyed a picnic under the large trees, then spent hours having races, swinging, and playing on the large climbers built in the shape of a police car and a fire engine. The monkey bars were also popular, so I would spend a lot of time either holding kids up to help them across or showing them tricks like hanging upside down, which the kids loved. A great thing about playing at the park was that the kids would try new things as they played together. Many times, other kids joined us as their moms or daycare providers sat and watched from benches, looking bored or talking on their phones.
One day as we were playing, I noticed a group of office workers eating lunch outside, enjoying the warm day. After a while, they all went back to their air-conditioned offices, but one stayed outside and continued to watch us. I was busy showing kids how to hang upside down on the monkey bars and hold hands when I heard someone nearby say, “Excuse me…” I looked around and noticed the woman from the office building standing close by looking up at me with wonder and amusement, as I’m sure it’s not often one sees a 40-year-old hanging upside down. I jumped down and turned to her and she started to laugh and asked me if all of the kids were mine or if I ran a daycare. I assured her that while I may have appeared to be crazy, the kids were not all mine and yes, I ran a daycare. She then told me that she had been watching us play all summer long from her office window and she wished her kids were having this much fun at their daycare also. She ended up asking for my number and inquired if I would consider enrolling her three-year-old daughter.
The funny part of this story is that this mom was not looking for a daycare, since she was content with what she had…until she happened to find something different and realized it’s what she’d rather have. This happens quite often in life, as well as in daycare, and it really makes you aware of the importance of exploring your options before making a choice. Keep your priority list in mind while searching, and don’t settle until you find exactly what you’re looking for, because it does exist. Often times, the hardest part of the journey is finding that ideal place for your child, but when your search is over and that “perfect” place is found, you’ll realize that it was all worth it. Keep your eyes as well as your mind wide open, because you never know when that ideal place might just be right in front of you!