Chapter 16: In the Weeds
CHAPTER 16
IN THE WEEDS
Most of us tend to think of our anger as occurring in episodes. We get angry, and then we get over it. Maybe we apologize or maybe we don’t, but somehow the person we’re angry with gets over it and life goes on. The relationship has been scarred but not broken. It’s not a great way to live with one another, but it’s tolerable.
That seems to be the way far too many believers view the sin of anger. They’ve just come to accept it as part of life. But the Bible is not so tolerant of our anger. In fact, it basically tells us to get rid of anger (see Ephesians 4:31; Colossians 3:8).
If you take the time to look up these texts, you will see that in each of them, anger is associated with such ugly sins as bitterness, clamor, wrath, slander, malice, and obscene talk. It is also included in a similar list of despicable sins in 2 Corinthians 12:20. Clearly, anger does not keep good company. It often associates itself with what we would consider more serious sins and actually leads to some of them.
But what about the Scripture that says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26)? Was Paul telling us it’s okay to be angry or even commanding it? No. Paul was simply taking for granted that we will get angry and telling us how to handle it. Basically he was saying, “Don’t hold on to your anger. Get over it quickly.” That’s why he added the clarifying statement, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
Have you ever heard the expression “Nip it in the bud”? That’s what Paul was telling us to do with anger. Deal with it swiftly, and don’t go to bed with it still in your heart. At best, anger is sin (with the rare exception of true righteous anger). At worst, it leads to even greater sins.
WEEDS OF ANGER
In this chapter, we will look at some of the long-term results of anger — what I call “weeds of anger.” I have deliberately chosen the word weeds because weeds are always something we want to get rid of. The weeds of anger are noxious, not benign. They can poison our minds and the minds of others around us.
What, then, are some of the noxious weeds that spring up from unresolved anger?
RESENTMENT
Resentment is anger held in an iron grip. Most often it is internalized. It arises in the heart of a person who is ill-treated in some way but who does not feel able to do anything about it.
An employee may feel ill-treated by his boss but dares not react in an outwardly angry fashion, so he internalizes his anger as resentment. A wife may react similarly toward an abusive husband or a timid person toward an overbearing friend.
Resentment may be more difficult to deal with than outwardly expressed anger because resentful people often continue to nurse their wounds and dwell on their ill-treatment.
BITTERNESS, ENMITY, HOSTILITY
Bitterness is resentment that has grown into a feeling of ongoing animosity. Whereas resentment may dissipate over time, bitterness continues to grow and fester, developing an even higher degree of ill will. It is usually the long-term reaction to real or perceived wrong when the initial anger is not dealt with.
An elder intervened in a situation regarding a teenage girl in his local church. The girl’s father thought the elder had mishandled the situation. Instead of seeking to resolve the issue, he became angry and then bitter. In the words of the pastor, he was “eaten up with bitterness.” The father said to the pastor, “I’ve forgiven him, but I don’t want anything to do with him.”
Quite obviously, he had not forgiven. True forgiveness results in a restored relationship, not continuing animosity. This man was consumed with bitterness, but in his self-righteousness he couldn’t see it. All he could see was the perceived or actual wrong of the elder, which he continued to dwell on.
As this story illustrates, bitterness frequently occurs within a local church family. Someone is badly treated or at least she thinks she has been. Instead of seeking to resolve the issue, she allows her hurt to fester and over time becomes bitter. Or it may be that she did seek to resolve the issue and the other person did not respond. Perhaps she even went to someone on the pastoral staff who dismissed her complaint instead of listening carefully, intensifying her pain.
But regardless of the actual or perceived ill-treatment, bitterness is never a biblical option. We can be hurt and acknowledge that we have been hurt without becoming bitter.
Of course, bitterness can occur in any interpersonal relationship, but it’s especially bitter when it grows among people who should love each other. The church family is one example. But bitterness may also occur in human families, among physical brothers and sisters. A son or daughter may feel that the parents are showing favoritism toward a sibling, and that perception may be accurate. But if the son or daughter is a Christian, he or she must not nurse that feeling until resentment becomes bitterness. For the person who wants to follow Christ, bitterness is never an option!
What about enmity and hostility? These are essentially synonymous and denote a higher level of ill will than does bitterness. Whereas bitterness may to some degree be marked by polite behavior, enmity or hostility is usually expressed openly. Often it takes the form of denigrating or even hateful speech toward or about the other person. And though bitterness may be harbored within one’s own heart, enmity or hostility almost always spreads its poison outward to involve other people.
GRUDGES
The word grudge (as in holding one) occurs five times in the Bible: Genesis 27:41; 50:15; Leviticus 19:18; Psalm 55:3; Mark 6:19. In the Genesis texts, the English Standard Version translates the Hebrew word as “hate” — showing us just how much animosity and ill will are implied by the word. In all five occurrences, the word is associated with taking revenge on the object of the grudge.
For example, Esau hated and held a grudge against Jacob and planned to kill him (see Genesis 27:41).
Joseph’s brothers were afraid he would hate or hold a grudge against them and pay them back for all the evil they had done to him (see Genesis 50:15).
In the New Testament, Herodias had a grudge against and hated John the Baptist and wanted to put him to death (see Mark 6:19).
Today we probably wouldn’t associate holding a grudge with plans to kill someone, though people will sometimes plot some form of revenge toward the person they hold a grudge against. They don’t usually execute those plans, but they get a perverse enjoyment out of going over them in their minds. This can be true even among Christians. That is why Paul found it necessary to write the exhortation of Romans 12:19-21: “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
STRIFE
Strife describes open conflict or turmoil between parties, usually between opposing groups. That’s why we speak of “church fights” or “family feuds.” It almost always goes beyond the bounds of “respectable” sins, and it certainly isn’t subtle, but I include it because it often occurs between self-righteous Christians who never consider the possibility that their own attitudes or heated words contribute to the strife. In their minds, it is always the other party who is in the wrong and is causing the problems.
HOW TO NIP IT IN THE BUD
The previous descriptions of these noxious “weeds of anger” are not intended to be definitive, nor do I mean to draw a sharp distinction between them. Terminology here is not important. What I want us to see is that the anger we hold on to is not only sinful, but spiritually dangerous.
If you will scan back over these weeds, you’ll see the escalation of ill will and dissension. Anger is never static. If it is not dealt with, it will grow into bitterness, hostility, revenge-minded grudges, and outright strife. No wonder that Paul said, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
How, then, can we nip our anger in the bud so that it does not begin to sprout these noxious weeds? How can we make sure the sun does not go down on it? Let me give three basic directions.
#1: REMEMBER WHO’S IN CHARGE.
All right, here comes that sovereignty thing again! I keep repeating it because it’s absolutely crucial to keep in mind. God doesn’t cause people to sin against us, but He does allow it, and always for a purpose.
After Joseph’s brothers attacked him and sold him into slavery — a truly terrible way to treat their little sibling — he did not become bitter. Instead he told his brothers, “It was not you who sent me here, but God” (Genesis 45:8). Granted, he said those words after he had been promoted to a high office in Egypt, but they were true from the day he was tied up and slung over that camel. And during the years when he was a slave and then a prisoner for a crime he didn’t commit, the biblical narrative never suggests Joseph became bitter. Instead it tells us that he did his work well and was so well regarded that both his owner and the keeper of the prison assigned him major responsibilities.
I too have found that a firm belief in God’s sovereignty is my first defense against the temptation to hold on to anger. If I want to deal with the temptation decisively, I remind myself that whatever happened to trigger my initial response of anger is under God’s active control and that God can use even another person’s sin to my benefit. As Joseph told his brothers, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good” (Genesis 50:20).
What good does God have in mind? Often it’s an opportunity to grow in Christlikeness. Sometimes I learn later that He’s been preparing me for greater usefulness. Sometimes I just don’t know. But it still makes a huge difference to know that even when someone else wrongs me, God intends good. Keeping God’s sovereignty on my mind is my first step to keep anger from growing into weeds.
#2: KEEP ON LOVING.
The book of 1 Peter is a letter urging its readers to pursue holiness even in the face of tough times. But also, again and again, it emphasizes the importance of love toward our fellow believers. “Above all,” Peter wrote, “keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (4:8).
Love makes it possible to maintain relationships even when others sin against us. If someone snubs us or inconveniences us or embarrasses us, love helps us overlook it. Remember, we can choose how we react to the real or perceived wrong actions of other people, and love is an incredibly powerful choice.
The apostle Paul echoed Peter’s words when he wrote that love “is not easily angered” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV). That’s a statement we all need to ponder. Are you easily angered? Can just a little sarcastic remark by someone almost ruin your day, or can you, out of love for the person who made the remark, shrug it off or “cover” it?
Everyone knows that the old rhyme “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me” simply isn’t true. Sinful words do hurt, especially if they come from someone close to us. But we can still choose whether those words will make us angry. We can absorb the hurt without entertaining anger. But to do that, we must really love the other person.
Paul also told us that love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV). Do you tend to file away in your mind wrongs done to you? This is a sure road to bitterness. The statement “I can forgive, but I can’t forget” simply isn’t true. If you keep rehearsing in your mind old hurts that occurred months or maybe even years ago, you haven’t forgiven. You are simply feeding your bitterness.
To keep no record of wrongs means we cease to bring them up to ourselves or to another party. It does not mean we magically erase the hurt from our memories. We can’t do that. But we can avoid actively calling it up and feeding on it. And if it comes to our minds involuntarily, perhaps triggered by another incident, we can immediately dismiss it. We can refuse to give it a foothold in our conscious thinking.
#3: LEARN TO FORGIVE (AS GOD HAS FORGIVEN YOU).
The Scripture that helps me most to practice forgiveness in the face of forgiveness is the parable of the unforgiving servant (see Matthew 18:21-35). Jesus told that story in response to Peter’s question, “How often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?” But Jesus didn’t give him a number. Not exactly. Instead, He told a parable that cuts to the heart of how we can forgive.
The story is about a king’s servant who owed his master ten thousand talents. That’s a huge sum of money, the equivalent of two hundred thousand years of wages for the typical laborer — six to eight billion dollars in our present-day labor market. Jesus was clearly using hyperbole (extravagant exaggeration) to make His point, because there was no way a mere servant could have accumulated such a huge debt. But we’ll see shortly why Jesus used such an immense sum of money.
The servant begged for time to repay what he owed. This was purely wishful thinking on the servant’s part. There was no way he could repay that huge debt. So the king took pity on him and forgave the debt entirely.
Then this servant went and found a fellow servant who owed him a hundred denarii — about one-third of a year’s wages or, by today’s reckoning, about ten to fifteen thousand dollars. This second servant also pleaded for time to repay. But the servant who had just been forgiven of more than six billion dollars refused and had his fellow servant thrown in jail.
The message of the parable turns on the vast difference between the two debts. One was more than six billion dollars. One was only ten to fifteen thousand dollars, not an insignificant sum, but nothing in comparison to six billion.
Now, the first sum of money represents our moral and spiritual debt to God. Though in the master-servant world of Jesus’ day, the amount would be preposterous, it’s a pretty accurate representation of what we owe God. So we all are represented by the first servant who owed ten thousand talents. Because regardless of how moral and spiritual we have been, the debt of our sin is utterly unpayable.
But let’s go back to the parable. What happened to the billions of dollars the first servant owed? Could the king just walk away and forget it? Were there no financial consequences to him? No, it’s not that easy. The moment the king forgave the debt, his net worth was reduced by six to eight billion dollars. Forgiving the servant’s debt cost the king tremendously.
In the same manner, it cost God to forgive us. It cost Him the death of His Son. No price can be put on that death, but God paid it so He could forgive each of us of the enormous spiritual debt we owed to Him.
The message should be clear. The moral debt of wrongdoing, of sinful words and acts against us, is virtually nothing compared to our debt to God.
I’m not minimizing the seriousness of hurts or damages you may have experienced. In the parable, ten to fifteen thousand dollars was a lot more than coffee-break money at work. It was a third of a year’s wages. And the wrongs you have suffered may be much more than an occasional snub or word of gossip about you. They may well have caused you quite a bit of pain. But compared to the damage each of us has done to God’s glory, it’s a small amount.
The basis of our forgiveness for one another, then, is the enormity of God’s forgiveness for us. Until we acknowledge that we are the ten-thousand-talent debtor to God, we will struggle with forgiving people who have wronged us in significant ways or people who continue to wrong us. But once we embrace the reality that we truly are such debtors to God because of our continual sin against Him, the whole picture changes. When someone wrongs us or even hurts us profoundly, we can still say, “God, that was a terrible wrong against me, but I am the ten-thousand-talent debtor. That other person’s sin against me was nothing compared to my sin against you. And because You have forgiven me, I choose to forgive that person as well.”
I don’t want to imply that praying in such a way, even when done sincerely, will cause our anger to immediately disappear. The flesh doesn’t give up that easily. But the attitude expressed in such a prayer does give us a weapon for putting our anger to death.
You might even say it’s the perfect “weed eater” for our anger.
YOUR TURN
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)
ENGAGE
1. Why is it so important to nip anger in the bud? What can happen if you don’t?
2. If ongoing anger is painful, why do you think people insist on holding on to it in the form of resentment, bitterness, grudges, and strife?
3. How is it practically possible to choose an honest, loving response when you have been deeply hurt or offended? What is necessary for that to happen?
4. Looking back on your life, what has been the hardest wrong for you to forgive? Have you been able to put it behind you yet? Why or why not?
BRING IT TO GOD
Practice the prayer of the ten-thousand-talent debtor, filling in a real person’s name if appropriate: “God, _______’s sin against me was nothing compared to my sin against You. And because You have forgiven me, I choose to forgive _______ as well.”