Chapter 12: Selfish
CHAPTER 12
SELFISH
Recently I learned that one of my heroes from a bygone era had some notable character flaws. One of his friends and admirers once wrote of him, “With all his glaring faults he was the greatest man I have known.”
What were those glaring faults? Elsewhere, this same friend described him as heartless, domineering, and selfish.
I doubt my hero deliberately tried to be heartless, domineering, and selfish. Those qualities were simply blind spots for him. May God help us to deal with our own blind spots, including selfishness, as they occur in us.
In studying the sin of selfishness, it’s helpful to start with the obvious truth that we were born with a selfish nature. Just spend an afternoon with preschoolers and you’ll be totally convinced of that. How many times do you have to say, “Zach, share your toys with Austin” or “Bella, you mustn’t grab toys from Eli like that”?
As those kids grow older, they learn that such obvious acts of selfishness are socially unacceptable, so they learn to disguise their selfish acts. But the problem doesn’t go away. Even after we become Christians, our flesh still wars against the Spirit, and one of its expressions is selfishness.
Selfishness is a difficult sin to expose because it is so easy to see in someone else but so difficult to recognize in ourselves. In addition, there are degrees of selfishness as well as degrees of subtlety in expressing it. One person’s selfishness may be obvious and in-your-face. Most of us, however, do care about what others think, so our expressions of selfishness will likely be more subtle.
Selfishness may take many forms in our lives, but for the purpose of looking at our “respectable” sins, I am going to address four areas of selfishness that I’ve often observed in believers.
SELFISH ABOUT INTERESTS
Paul wrote in Philippians 2:4, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Paul was undoubtedly referring to the concerns and needs of other people, but I am going to use the word interests in a narrower sense to mean subjects we are interested in.
At this stage of our lives, my wife and I are interested in our grandchildren. We like to talk about them and show pictures of them to our friends. The problem is that our friends like to do the same. If we’re not sensitive to each other’s interests when we’re together, we may find ourselves waiting for our turn to share instead of enjoying what the other people show us.
That’s just one example, of course. The same issue could arise in almost any field of interest. When involved with writing a book, I’m extremely interested in that project. So when other people ask me, “What are you writing about these days?” I find it easy to get carried away and spend too much time talking about my book. I have to remind myself that these people have interests of their own and give them the opportunity to talk about their interests.
Now, this form of selfishness may seem so harmless that you question why I include it in this chapter. At worst, it seems rude. But a glance at 2 Timothy 3:1-5 assures us that this kind of selfishness is indeed a sin. Paul provided a list of really ugly sins that will be characteristic of people in the “last days.” And right there at the head of the list is “lovers of self.”
“Lover of self” is a good description of a self-centered person. And a self-centered person cares little for the interests, needs, or desires of others. He is interested in only himself, and his self-centered conversation reflects that.
SELFISH ABOUT TIME
Time is a precious commodity, and each of us has only a fixed amount in a day. Because most of us are very busy, it’s easy to become selfish with our time. Whether we are men or women, young or old, we tend to guard our time for our own ends.
A student asks her roommate for help with an assignment, but the roommate is busy studying for an exam. Will she give up precious time to help her roommate, or will she either guard her time or help reluctantly?
What about the first student? Is she acting selfishly to ask her roommate for help when she knows the roommate is busy studying? We can be selfish in guarding our time, and we can also be selfish in unduly imposing on another person’s time. In either case, we are thinking mainly about ourselves and our needs.
Selfishness with one’s time will frequently be observed in the home. Usually every member of a household has his or her duties and responsibilities, and there is often a reluctance to go beyond these. “That’s not my job,” one person may say when asked to do something extra, with no sense of compassion toward one who seems overwhelmed. “I’ll take care of that for you” seems to be a rare offer. Yet the Scriptures say that we are to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Going beyond our normal duties to help someone else is one way we can bear each other’s burdens.
SELFISH WITH MONEY
Surveys show that Americans, who live in one of the richest nations in all of history, give less than 2 percent of their income to charitable and religious causes. While we pride ourselves on our generosity following major disasters, the facts state that we Americans as a whole are selfish with our money and relatively indifferent to the physical and material needs of people less fortunate than us.
This is an especially crucial issue for believers. The apostle John wrote, “If anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?” (1 John 3:17). This verse tells us that we are to cultivate hearts of compassion toward those in need and then put that compassion to work through our giving.
As has already been observed in an earlier chapter, every dollar we receive, even when earned by our work, is a gift from God. We are to be good stewards of that money and not spend all or most of it on ourselves. To do so is to be selfish with our money while ignoring the needs of others. (There is more on this subject in chapter 20.)
THOUGHTLESSLY SELFISH
This trait may be expressed in several ways. Thoughtless or inconsiderate people rarely consider how their actions affect others. One person is always late and keeps others waiting. Another keeps her eyes glued on her phone and completely ignores other people in the room. Yet another costs a hardworking waitress in tips by lingering too long at a restaurant table or leaves a mess on the kitchen counter for someone else to clean up. Anytime we do not think about the impact of our actions on others, we are being selfish.
We can also be thoughtless about the feelings of others, treating them rudely or ignoring them altogether. I have often seen Christians treat wait staff or store clerks — or their own families — this way. And then there are people who just blurt out whatever they’re thinking with no regard to whether their words may cause others to feel embarrassed or humiliated. Whenever we fail to consider the feelings of others, we are being selfish. And that’s not okay!
The Bible makes it clear that we are to look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others. An unselfish person is always balancing his or her needs and concerns with the needs and concerns of others.
The greatest example of unselfishness is Jesus, who gave His very life for us. “Though he was rich,” Paul explained, “yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich” (2 Corinthians 8:9). In seeking to become like Christ, we are called to put aside selfishness as well. In fact, we are to love the people around us as much as we love ourselves (see Matthew 22:39).
Living unselfishly comes at a cost. It costs time and money. It costs becoming interested in the interests and concerns of others and learning to be considerate of their needs and feelings. It costs sacrificing our built-in assumptions that we are the center of the universe. It may even cost us some self-esteem as we face the extent of our secret selfishness.
But here’s the secret that followers of Christ have learned throughout the centuries: The more we are able, through the help of the Holy Spirit, to put self aside, the more love we’ll have in our lives. Some of it may come from those around us. But more importantly, we’ll draw closer to the One who is love in its purest form.
The love that is worth every sacrifice.
YOUR TURN
“Love … does not insist on its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
ENGAGE
1. What are the four varieties of selfishness this chapter explores? Do any others come to mind? What varieties tempt you in your own life?
2. The author says that “there are degrees of selfishness as well as degrees of subtlety in expressing it.” Can you give an example of subtle or hidden selfishness?
3. If we allow selfishness to take root in our lives, what consequences should we expect? Can you think of a time when you allowed this to happen? What did you experience as a result? How do you think other people felt about you?
BRING IT TO GOD
Prayers can be selfish too! It’s not wrong to pray for our own needs, but our prayers shouldn’t be just about us. As a reminder of that truth, spend the next week praying only for the needs and concerns of others, not yourself.