Chapter 14: Impatient and Irritable
CHAPTER 14
IMPATIENT AND IRRITABLE
A pastor friend of mine paid a visit to a couple who were greatly respected and loved in their church. The husband had terminal cancer and was nearing death.
“How are you doing spiritually?” the pastor asked.
With tears in her eyes, the wife responded, “We’re doing well as far as the cancer is concerned. But what I can’t handle is our sin. After all these years, and especially in this situation, you would think we wouldn’t still hurt and wound each other, but we do.”
This sad but true story illustrates an all-too-common reality: We tend to exhibit many respectable sins most freely at home. We can put on our “Christian face” outside the home, but with our families our true character often comes out. This is especially true in the two areas of sin we’ll examine in this chapter: impatience and irritability.
IMPATIENCE
These two traits are closely related, and both words can be defined in slightly different ways depending on the context. So for the purposes of this chapter, I am going to define impatience as a strong sense of annoyance at the (usually) unintentional faults and failures of others. This impatience is often expressed verbally in a way that tends to humiliate its target.
That word unintentional is key. We’re not responding badly to people who want to bother us but rather to those who accidentally get in our way.
Because of my hearing disability, I can often hear my wife speaking to me but can’t understand what she is saying, so I frequently ask her to repeat herself. This can be annoying, so she has had to get over her impatience with me when I do it.
My impatience with her usually concerns time. I like to live life with a time margin, starting out early enough to get to wherever I’m going in an unhurried fashion. My wife, on the other hand, has an incredible ability to be ready to go just in the nick of time. (How she times it this closely is a mystery to me.) So a standard scenario in our home is that I’ll be ready to go but waiting on her. Will I bark out something like, “Why are you always late?” or stand there and tap my foot, communicating my impatience nonverbally? Or will I be patient with her, realizing that a harmonious relationship is more important than leaving the house at my prescribed time?
Temptations to show impatience crop up frequently at school, at church, at the workplace — anywhere people encounter each other. Here are a few more examples:
“How many times have I told you not to leave your shoes in the family room?” Parents often say something like this when kids are slow to respond to their training. Unfortunately, such impatient words rarely further the training efforts. They serve only to vent the parents’ impatience and humiliate the child, who may respond in kind. Siblings in a family are often impatient with each other as well. Training children, by teaching and example, to be patient with others can be a challenge.
“Okay now, let’s get moving!” Impatience is certainly not limited to a family context. It wants to emerge whenever something or someone gets in our way. Some Christians are notorious for being impatient drivers. We can become impatient over slow service at the bank or in a restaurant. I have to guard against impatience at a store checkout when I only want a pack of gum and the person ahead of me has a cart full of items. (The express lanes aren’t always staffed.) And heaven help the infrequent traveler who is trying to figure out all the rules at the airport security checkpoint. (“Everyone knows to have your shoes off ahead of time!”)
We all encounter daily frustrations like that and feel the temptations to lash out impatiently. All too often it’s an action, not a temptation.
It’s important to note, however, that neither my hearing disability nor my wife’s close timing causes either of us to be impatient. They merely provide an opportunity for the flesh to assert itself. The actual cause of our impatience lies within our own hearts, in our own attitude of insisting that others around us conform to our expectations.
Paul stressed patience in several of his letters. He started his famous description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 with “love is patient” (verse 4). He included patience as a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). In Ephesians 4:1-2, he urged us to live our lives with patience, and in Colossians 3:12, he said we are to “put on” patience. Paul clearly thought patience is a virtue to be cultivated, and he was writing under the Holy Spirit’s guidance, not just expressing his opinion. Impatience is the opposite of this virtue, so it’s reasonable to assume that impatience is a sin. Though it may be acceptable to us, it is not acceptable to God.
IRRITABILITY
Impatience, as I have said, is a strong sense of annoyance or exasperation; it describes our reaction to being thwarted or bothered. Irritability, on the other hand, describes the frequency of our impatient response or the ease with which it can overtake us. The person who easily and frequently becomes impatient is an irritable person. Most of us become impatient at times, but an irritable person is impatient most of the time. This is the kind of person who makes others feel like they’re walking on eggshells. He is no fun to be with, though family members or co-workers sometimes have no choice.
Are you often upset with someone or some circumstance? If so, you may need to learn to let some things go — or at least learn to bite your tongue. Proverbs 19:11, though addressing the topic of anger (our next chapter) says, “It is … glory to overlook an offense.” And Peter wrote, “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). We might say that if love covers a multitude of sins, how much more should it cover a multitude of irritations?
Now, suppose you are someone who is frequently the object of another person’s impatience or irritability. Suppose you are often berated, criticized, or chewed out. How should you respond? It’s all too tempting to respond in kind, triggering a war of words. This approach is not only nonproductive, it is totally unbiblical.
Or you may be the type of person who doesn’t respond verbally at all, but inwardly seethes and resents the person who has vented her impatience at you. This is also a sinful response on your part.
So what should you do? Biblically you have two options.
First, you can follow the example of Jesus, who, “when he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23). Sometimes this is your only real option.
Second, you could choose to confront the person and point out examples of her impatience. This should be done only when you have resolved the issue in your own heart and can speak to the other person for her benefit, not just to make your own life more pleasant. If you can do this in a biblical manner and the person accepts what you say, you may be able to improve your relationship (see Matthew 18:15). However, if she becomes defensive or hostile, you need to revert to the first option.
Keeping your mouth shut and letting God judge isn’t easy. It requires a strong conviction that He is in control and trust in His promise to work even this situation out for your good. But if you let Him, He can use even an impatient, irritable, annoying person to help you grow in the biblical virtues of patience and meekness.
YOUR TURN
“I … urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience.” (Ephesians 4:1-2)
ENGAGE
1. In your own words, define impatience and irritability. Give an example of each from your own life. What are your biggest temptations in this area?
2. Do you agree with the author that circumstances or people’s actions can never cause us to be impatient or irritable? Explain your answer.
3. What do you think are the real causes of impatience, irritability, and sinful anger?
Once we recognize them, what practical steps can we take to deal with them:
Proactively — before situations arise?
Responsively — in the heat-of-the-moment situation?
Retrospectively — once the Holy Spirit makes you aware that you’ve “blown it”?
BRING IT TO GOD
This is the time to pray for patience in the daily annoyances and irritations of life. Ask the Holy Spirit for a spirit of calm and understanding in the face of all the daily annoyances of life. (Get specific about what tends to really annoy you now.)