Chapter 15: Angry
CHAPTER 15
ANGRY
What is anger? You might say, “I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it — especially if it’s directed toward me.”
My dictionary defines anger simply as a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism. I would add that it’s often accompanied by sinful emotions, words, and actions that are hurtful to those who are the objects of our anger.
Robert Jones wrote that “anger is a universal problem, prevalent in every culture, experienced by every generation. No one is isolated from its presence or immune from its poison. It permeates each person and spoils our most intimate relationships. Anger is a given part of our fallen human fabric. Sadly, this is true in our Christian homes and churches.”
I would add that all too often our anger is directed toward those we should love most: the parents and siblings in our human families and brothers and sisters in our church families.
Anger is a huge and complex issue, and dealing with it extensively is beyond the purpose of this book. So I am going to focus on that aspect of anger that we unconsciously treat as “acceptable” sin. But first I want to take care of the issue of righteous anger.
Some people justify their anger as righteous. They feel they have a right, even a duty, to be angry. But how can we know if this is true?
First, true righteous anger arises from an accurate perception of true evil — that is, as a violation of God’s moral law. It focuses on God and His will, not us and our will.
Second, righteous anger is always self-controlled. It never causes us to lose our temper or retaliate in some vengeful way.
Though the Bible does give some examples of righteous anger, such as Jesus’ cleansing of the temple (see Luke 19:45-48), they are few. The main focus of the Bible’s teaching is sinful anger — our sinful reactions to other people’s actions or words. That will be my focus too. This chapter is not about righteous anger — except perhaps the sinful anger we persist in calling righteous.
Also beyond the purpose of this book is anger that leads to verbal or physical abuse. I don’t want to minimize the sin of abuse or the pain it causes. But such a situation calls for sound biblical and pastoral counseling, not a book on respectable sin. So I want to keep us focused on what we might call ordinary anger — anger that we sort of accept as part of our lives but is actually sinful in God’s sight.
And let’s be clear from the beginning: Nothing causes us to be angry.
Someone else’s words or actions may become the occasion for our anger, but the real cause lies deep within us — usually our pride, or selfishness, or desire to control.
Say you agree to do something for a friend, then you forget. Your failure comes to light, and the friend gets angry. Why? Because your failure made him look bad in front of some of his friends. This is not to excuse your forgetfulness and the real fact that you put him in an awkward situation. But the cause of his anger was his pride, not your failure.
Or maybe you get mad because you don’t get your way. We frequently see this in little kids, but people of all ages do it. Maybe you wanted to go to the mall with your friends but they wanted to play Frisbee at the park. They voted you down and you got angry. The cause is selfishness: “I want it my way.”
It’s not unusual to get angry as a response to someone else’s anger. Say you get in some trouble at school for something somebody else did. The principal calls you into her office and really chews you out. She’s so mad she won’t even listen to your explanation; she just gives you detention. That makes you angry in return, but you can’t exactly yell at the principal. Instead, you seethe inwardly with resentment. In fact, you’re still mad when you show up for detention.
And get this: Your resentment is just as sinful as the principal’s unreasonable anger.
I’m not trying to justify the principal’s actions. I’m just trying to show that your anger belongs to you. The principal is responsible to God for her temper, but you’re responsible to God for your resentment. You can choose how you respond to her sinful actions.
Consider Peter’s words to slaves in the first-century churches, people who often served under cruel and unjust masters. According to much present-day thinking, their anger would be justified, but Peter wrote:
Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. (1 Peter 2:18-20)
Peter’s instructions to slaves are a specific application of a broader scriptural principle: We are to respond to any unjust treatment as “mindful of God” — that is, with God’s will and God’s glory in mind. We should ask, How would God have me respond in this situation? How can I best glorify Him by my response? Do I believe that this difficult situation or this unjust treatment is under the sovereign control of God and that in His infinite wisdom and goodness He is using these difficult circumstances to conform me more to the likeness of Christ? (See Romans 8:28; Hebrews 12:4-11.)
I know that in the heat of an emotional moment, you’re probably not going to ask questions like that. But it really is possible to get in the habit of thinking this way. Even if your immediate response is sinful anger, you can still reflect afterward on such questions and allow the Holy Spirit to dissolve your anger.
Now, there are probably exceptions to this that prove the rule, but it’s pretty safe to say that all of us get angry from time to time. The issue is how we handle it. Some people tend to externalize their anger in strong, usually hurtful language. They may even yell. Others adopt subtler expressions such as zingers or sarcastic comments. And then there are those who tend to internalize their anger in the form of resentment.
And all of these expressions of anger are sin.
So what’s the alternative? How should we handle our anger in a God-honoring way? I’d like to suggest a general outline:
First, we have to recognize and acknowledge our anger and its sinfulness. We cannot deal with anger until we acknowledge its presence.
Second, we need to ask ourselves why we are angry. Was it because of our pride or selfishness or some idol of the heart we are protecting?
If so, third, we need to repent not only of our anger but also of the sinful attitude beneath it.
Fourth, having to some extent dealt with the expression of our anger through recognition and repentance, we need to change our attitude toward the person or persons whose words or actions triggered our anger. Scriptures such as Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13 can help with this.
Next, if we have expressed our anger outwardly, we need to seek the forgiveness of the person we have wounded by our anger.
And finally, we need to hand the whole situation over to God.
This last item is especially important when we find ourselves the objects of someone else’s anger or of unjust treatment by a boss, a parent, or anyone who treats us unfairly. To dissolve our sinful emotions, we must believe that God is absolutely sovereign in all the affairs of our lives (both the “good” and the “bad”) and that all the words and actions of other people that tempt us to anger are somehow included in His wise and good purposes to make us more like Jesus. We must realize that any given situation that tempts us to anger can drive us either to sinful anger or to Christ.
ANGER TOWARD GOD
I have encountered a number of Christians who are angry at God for some reason. Some of them think He has let them down in some way. Others believe God is actually against them. I sit here now looking at a letter that says, “I have felt so many times that He has slapped me in the face when I was really depending on Him.” This person freely admitted to being angry at God because she had concluded that God was actually against her.
What are we to say to people who are desperately hurting and feel that God has let them down or is even against them? Is it okay to be angry toward God?
Most pop psychology would answer yes. “Just vent your feelings toward God.” I’ve even read the statement, “It’s okay to be angry at God. He’s a big boy. He can handle it.”
In my judgment, that is sheer blasphemy.
Let me make a statement loud and clear. It is never okay to be angry at God. Anger is a moral judgment, and in the case of God, it accuses Him of wrongdoing. It accuses God of sinning against us by neglecting us or in some way treating us unfairly. It often stems from the wrong assumption that God owes us a better deal in life than we are getting.
I think of a man who said as his mother was dying of cancer, “After all she’s done for God, this is the thanks she gets.” Never mind that Jesus suffered untold agony to pay for her sins so she would not spend eternity in hell. This man thought that God also owed her a better life on this earth.
I acknowledge that believers can and do have momentary flashes of anger at God. I have experienced this myself. We can’t necessarily prevent them. But we can quickly recognize those flashes as the sins that they are and repent of them.
How, then, can we deal with our temptation to be angry at God? Must we just “stuff” our feelings and live in some degree of alienation from God? No, that is not the biblical solution.
We must begin, as I have said before (see chapter 8), with a well-grounded trust in the sovereignty, wisdom, and love of God. From there, we should bring our confusion and perplexity to God in a humble, trusting way — praying something like this: “God, I know that You love me, and I also know that Your ways are often beyond our understanding. I admit I am confused at this time because I do not see the evidence of Your love toward me. Help me, by the power of Your Spirit, to trust You and not give in to the temptation to be angry at You.”
Never forget that our God is a forgiving God. Even our anger toward Him, which I consider a grievous sin, was paid for by Christ in His death on the cross. So if you have anger in your heart toward God, I invite you — no, I urge you — to come to Him in repentance and experience the cleansing power of Christ’s blood, shed on the cross for you.
I believe that many Christians live in denial about their anger. They consciously experience the flare-up of negative thoughts and emotions toward someone who has displeased them, but they do not identify this as anger, especially as sinful anger. Instead, they focus on the other person’s wrongdoing and justify their own reaction. They do not see their sin. Consequently, their anger is “acceptable” to them and they sense no need to deal with it.
I pray that God will be pleased to use this chapter to help all of us, whether our anger is occasional or frequent, to recognize it as the sin it is and take appropriate steps to deal with it.
YOUR TURN
“I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.” (Matthew 5:22)
ENGAGE
1. What form does your anger usually take? Is it direct and blustery, subtle and sarcastic, or internalized and seething — or none of the above?
2. The chapter says that no one can make us be angry and that anger is always a choice. Do you agree or disagree?
3. Outline the steps listed in this chapter for dealing with anger.
4. Imagine that a good friend keeps justifying his or her sinful anger and refuses to face the deeper, causative issues. What might you say to him or her?
BRING IT TO GOD
Write out your heart’s prayer, asking God to help you, through His Holy Spirit, deal with anger proactively and positively this coming week.