Marriage and Virginity
The Unmarried Must Devote Their Extra Attention to the Lord
19, 23. If, therefore, you had not yet made your vow to God to remain celibate in widowhood, we would be urging you to do so at once; but as you have already made the vow, we urge you to remain true to it. I can see, however, that I must say something to those who might still be thinking about marrying, to persuade them to love and embrace that celibacy. So let us turn our ear to the apostle. A woman who is not married, he says, is concerned about what has to do with the Lord, in order to be holy both in body and in spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the affairs of the world and how to please her husband (1 Cor 7:34). He does not say, "She is concerned about the affairs of the world, and so is not holy"; but certainly, insofar as one of its concerns is about worldly pleasure, married sanctity is inferior.
Accordingly, whatever attention she would otherwise give to things concerned with pleasing her husband, a Christian who is not married should reclaim and redirect to the purpose of pleasing the Lord. Consider too who it is she pleases, when she pleases the Lord. Certainly, the more she pleases him, the more blessed she is; but the more she thinks about worldly things, the less she pleases him. Devote your whole mind, therefore, entirely to pleasing him who is the most handsome of men. You please him by means of his own grace, which is spread on his lips (Ps 45:2). Please him also with that part of your thoughts that would be absorbed with the world in order to please your husband. Please him who did not do what pleased the world, in order to set free from the world those who do what pleases him. The human race looked on him, most handsome of men, on his cross of suffering, and he had no beauty or dignity, but was abject and deformed to look at (Is 53:2). From this ugliness in your Redeemer, however, there flowed the price of your beauty, although it is an interior beauty.
The beauty of the king's daughter is all within (Ps 45:13). Be pleasing to him with this beauty.
Be preoccupied and concerned about the care and maintenance of this beauty. He does not like cosmetic artifice, but the Truth is delighted by what is true; and, if you remember what you have read, he is called the Truth. I am, he said, the way, the truth and the life (Jn 14:6). By means of him run to him; with his gift be pleasing to him; live in him, with him, and by him. With sincere feelings and in sacred chastity, love to be loved by a spouse like that.
24. Let the virgin who is your daughter also hear these things with an inner ear. Shall I consider how far she surpasses you in that King's kingdom? No, that is another question.
Rejecting marriage—in her case all marriages, in your case a second marriage—you, mother and daughter, both have found the one you must please with the beauty of chastity.
Undoubtedly if there were husbands to please, it would embarrass you to be adorned in the same way as your daughter. Now, however, it does not embarrass you to do what beautifies both of you together, because, when it is that man, it is no sin but an honor for both to be loved by the same man. You would not use powder and rouge, even if you had husbands; you would not think it fitting for them to be deceived or for you to have to engage in the deception. Now, therefore, be truly pleasing, both of you, and stay united, both of you, to that King who is captivated by the beauty of his one bride, of which you are members.†37 Do this together, she with virginal integrity, you with widow's celibacy, both with spiritual beauty.
With that beauty even her grandmother, your mother-in-law, who no doubt is now very old, is also beautiful like you. While love continues to keep this beauty fresh, the passing of the years brings no wrinkles to it. You have this elderly and holy woman with you, with you in your home and with you in Christ. You can ask her advice about persevering, how to combat one or another temptation, what to do to overcome it more easily, what precautions to take to prevent it from renewing its assault. From what she has already accomplished over a long time she will teach you, kindly in her love, caring because of her faith, and with the assurance that comes with age. You yourself in particular should consult her about such matters, because she has experienced the same things as you have. Your daughter sings the hymn that the Apocalypse tells us only virgins can sing.†38 She prays, however, for both of you, more anxiously than she does for herself. She is more concerned, nevertheless, for her granddaughter, as there is still a long time remaining for her to resist and overcome temptation. She views you, on the other hand, as being closer to her own age, and as the mother of that daughter. If you had seen her marry (something no longer right for her, and not to be contemplated), I think that you and she would both have been ashamed of being mothers. How many more years of danger do you have? You do not have the title of grandmother, but it is not because like your daughter you wanted to be free to be the parent of holy thoughts and deeds. Not without reason, therefore, her grandmother is more worried about her, as you her mother are too, because it is a greater thing that she has vowed, and what she has just begun all lies ahead of her. May the Lord hear her prayers, so that your holiness will be a tribute to the merits of her, who in her youth gave birth to your husband's body and in her late age has been the mother of your daughter's heart.†39 All of you, therefore, together and in harmony, give pleasure by your conduct to the one husband of the one bride, in whose body you live by the one spirit; and be constant in your prayers to him.†40
On the Restraint of Desire
20, 25. A day that has passed does not return in the future. After yesterday comes today, and after today it becomes tomorrow. So all time and everything temporal passes, until the enduring promise is fulfilled, The one who perseveres until the end will be saved (Mt 10:22).
If the world is now passing away, for what reason does a married woman have children? Or if she is going to have children in her heart, but she is not going to have them in the flesh, why does she marry? If, on the other hand, the world is going to last longer, why is the one through whom the world was made not loved more? If worldly attractions are going to end, there is no reason for the Christian soul to pursue them avidly; if, however, they are going to continue, there is reason to have a holy disdain of them. With the first of these two alternatives lust has nothing to hope for; with the other love has greater glory. For how many years does the body retain its powers, and how fully? Some women, while they have been thinking about marriage and longing for it, but have been spurned or kept waiting, have suddenly begun to grow old, and now it would be more of an embarrassment than a pleasure for them to marry. Many married women, on the other hand, whose husbands have gone off to distant places soon after their marriage, have grown old waiting for them to return, and sometimes, like those who become widows soon after marrying, not even in their old age have they had the reward of welcoming back their husbands when as old men they come home. So, when prospective husbands turn aside or are slow to present themselves, or husbands go on journeys, the desires of the flesh can be controlled, to avoid committing fornication or adultery; why can they not be controlled to avoid committing sacrilege? If they are held in check when they burn with anticipation, why are they not repressed when deprivation has reduced their ardor? Passion burns more strongly in those who still hope to enjoy its satisfaction. Those who make a vow of chastity to God take away that hope that enkindles desire. Hence desire is more easily controlled, when it is not kept alight by expectation. At the same time, unless one prays to overcome it, that desire will burn more strongly for being illicit.
Let Spiritual Pleasures Displace Carnal Ones
21, 26. With holy chastity, therefore, let spiritual pleasures take the place of carnal ones: reading, prayer, the psalms, good thoughts, being occupied with good works, looking forward to the next life, having one's heart on high, and giving thanks for all these things to the Father of lights, from whom undoubtedly, as the scripture attests, every excellent thing we receive and every perfect gift (Jas 1:17) comes to us. What can I add about the evils that result when, in place of the joys of marriage which they enjoy with their husbands, they look for comfort in other carnal pleasures? The apostle has said that the widow who lives a life of pleasure (1 Tm 5:6) is already dead while still alive. Far be it from you to let yourself be held captive by the desire for riches instead of the desire for marriage, and to let love of money take the place of love of husband in your hearts. Watching how people behave we have often noticed that avarice has grown strong where sensuality has been subdued. In the case of the bodily senses, those who lack sight have sharper hearing and pick out many things by touch, with a sensitivity in their touch not shared by those who rely on their eyes. From this we see that when the desire to perceive things is blocked in one direction, namely that of the eyes, it emerges more strongly as a keener perceptiveness in the other senses, thus trying to achieve what it is prevented from doing in one way by doing it in another way. In the same way, when sensuality is denied the pleasure of sexual union, it turns with greater energy to the pursuit of money, and so changing the direction of its attack from one to the other it becomes even more passionate toward the new objective. With you, however, the love of riches must be extinguished along with the love of marriage, and the devout use of the things you possess must be made to contribute to spiritual satisfaction, so that the warmth of your generosity will be directed to helping the needy rather than enriching the greedy.†41 It is not gifts to the greedy, but alms given to the poor, that add to the heavenly treasure; and this gains immensely from the prayers of widows. Fasting too, and, provided they do not affect your health, vigils, become a source of spiritual joy, even when they seem burdensome, if the time is used for prayer and the psalms, and reading and meditating on God's law. The labors of people doing what they like doing, such as hunters, bird-collectors, fishermen, wine-growers, businessmen and sportsmen, are never burdensome, but are a pleasure in themselves. What matters, therefore, is what one likes; for either what one likes involves no work, or else one likes the work too. Think, how sad and shameful it is when there is pleasure in toiling to capture animals, to fill bins and purses, to throw the javelin, but no pleasure in working to attain God.
Strive to Maintain a Good Reputation
22, 27. With all the undoubtedly spiritual pleasures that unmarried women enjoy, their holy conduct must also be cautious, so that there will be no chance of it happening that, although their life is not evil with obscenity, their reputation is bad through carelessness. You must pay no attention to those holy men or women who, when they are criticized for some carelessness that results in their being suspected of wrongdoing they know they would have no part of, say that they are satisfied to have a clear conscience before God. In their disdain for what people think of them not only are they unwise, but they are also cruel, because they destroy the souls of others. Some blaspheme against God's ways because their suspicions lead them to condemn the way of life of holy people, chaste though it is, as though it were depraved. Others make it an excuse to imitate, not what they see, but what they think is the case. Hence any woman who does not lay herself open to charges of sin and crime does well for herself; but one who also preserves her good name is kind to others as well. Our life is necessary for ourselves, but our good name is necessary for others. There is no doubt, moreover, that by showing compassion and contributing to the salvation of others we also do ourselves a service. It was not without point that the apostle said, We look to do good not only in God's eyes, but also in the eyes of mankind (2 Cor 8:21). Likewise he said: Be pleasing to everyone in all things, just as I please everyone in all things, not looking for any benefit for myself but for the benefit of many others, so that they will be saved (1 Cor 10:33). In one appeal he says: For the rest, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is holy, whatever is just, whatever is chaste, whatever is most precious, whatever is for your good reputation, either for virtue or praise, attend to that, as this is what you learn and accept and hear and observe in me (Phil 4:8-9).
You see how, among the many things he urged on us, he did not omit to say, whatever is for your good reputation, and he concluded with the two phrases, for virtue or praise. The good things we spoke of earlier relate to virtue, but good name relates to praise. I do not think the apostle attached great value to human praise, as he said in another place, It is of slight consequence to me to be judged by you or by any human judgment (1 Cor 4:3); and elsewhere again, If I were pleasing men and women, I would not be the servant of Christ (Gal 1:10); and again, For our glory consists in this, the witness of a good conscience (2 Cor 1:12). Of those two, however, good life and good name, or, to put it more succinctly, virtue and praise, the first he very wisely cultivated for its own sake, and the second for the sake of others. Since, however, it is not humanly possible to protect ourselves from every malicious rumor, once we have done whatever we can reasonably do to protect our good name, if people then still try to blacken our name by imagining or believing evil, our conscience can take comfort and even actually rejoice. Even when men and women say evil things about us, despite our lives being holy and devout, our reward will be great in heaven.†42 That reward is the payment for those who fight with the arms of justice, in their left hand as well as their right, that is, with honor and with dishonor, with ill repute and with good repute (2 Cor 6:7-8).
Concluding Exhortation
23, 28. So then, hurry along on the path you have chosen, and run with determination, to ensure you reach your goal.†43 By the example of your life and the encouragement of your words lead others too to travel along the same path. Do not be deterred from urging others to imitate you by the shallow complaints of those who say, "How would the human race continue if everyone was celibate?" As if this world would be prolonged for any reason except to make up the pre-ordained number of saints! Once this is accomplished, the end of the world will be postponed no longer. And do not be deterred from persuading others of the excellence of what you do, if someone says to you, "Since marriage is also good, how will there be every perfection in the body of Christ, the less as well as the greater, if everyone imitates you in commending and preferring celibacy?" In the first place, even if you strive for everyone to be celibate, there will still only be a small number who are. Not everyone can accept these words (Mt 19:11). Since, however, scripture says: Let those who can accept it, accept it (Mt 19:12), those who can accept it will accept it, provided one does not keep silent about it even among those who do not accept it. Also we should not be afraid that perhaps everyone will accept it, and then one of the lesser perfections, namely married life, will be missing from the body of Christ. If everyone did listen and accept it, we would have to conclude that this too was preordained, namely, that the good things in marriage were already sufficiently represented in the large number of members of that body who have already passed from this life. Furthermore, if everyone is celibate, they will not now accord the honor due to celibacy to those who have already carried into the Lord's barn the thirtyfold harvest,†44 taking that to refer to the benefits of marriage. All perfections will have their place there, even if from now on no woman chooses to marry and no man chooses to take a wife. With confidence then be zealous in encouraging anyone you can to become like you; and be watchful and pray fervently, that