_held me up, in my Lord the Son of man, the Media- (continued)
PHILOSOPHY OF HISTORY 241 tent, but a long past is a long memory of that which is past.
I am about to sing a song that I know. Before I be38. gin, my expectation is directed to the whole thing but, when I have begun, in regard to that part which I have plucked off and committed to the past, my memory also directs its attention to it, and the life of this action of mine is spread out both in memory, by virtue of what I have sung, and in expectation, by virtue of what I am yet to sing. Yet my attention remains in the present for, through it, that which is to come is passed over so that it becomes past. And the more this is done, on and on, the more is memory lengthened out by a shortening of the function of expectation—until the whole of expectation is used up, when the completely finished act has passed over into memory. What goes on for the whole song occurs also for each of its parts and for each of its individual syllables; the same again for a longer action, of which this song is perhaps but a part; the same for the whole life of a man, the parts of which are all the actions of men; and the same for the whole era of the "sons of men," the parts of which are all the lives of men.
But since "Thy mercy is better than lives," behold 39. my life is but a distraction, and Thy right hand has _held me up, in my Lord the Son of man, the Mediator between Thee as One and us as many, in many ways and by many means, so that through Him I may lay hold of that for which He has laid hold of me, and that I may be gathered in from the days of old and follow the One. Forgetting what is behind, not straining outward to things which will come and pass away but straining forward to what is before, not according to distraction but with mental concentration, I press on toward the prize of my heavenly calling, where I shall hear the voice of praise and I shall see Thy delight, which neither comes nor passes away.
Now, indeed, "my years [are spent] in sighs," and Thou my Consolation, O Lord, Thou art my Eternal Father. But I have disintegrated into periods of time, of whose order I am ignorant, and my thoughts, which are the innermost vital parts of my soul, are rent asunder by tumultuous diversities —until such time as I shall flow together into Thee, purged and melted into clear liquid form, by the fire of Thy love.
And I shall become firm and solidify in Thee, in the 40. form made for me in Thy Truth; nor shall I suffer the questions of men who, as a result of their penal sick-