His Return to Susquahannah, and Last Illness (part 1 of 3)
From his first beginning to preach to the Indians at Crosweeksung, till he returned from his last journey to Susquahannah ill with the consumption whereof he died.
WE are now come to that part of Mr. Brainerd’s life, wherein he had the greatest success in his labours for the good ef souls, and in bis particular business as a missionary to the Indians. After all his agonizing in prayer, and travelling in birth, for the conversion of the Indians, and all the interchanges of his raised hopes and expectations, and then disappointments and discouragements; and after waiting in a way of persevering prayer, labour and suffering, as it were through a long night, at length the day dawns. “ Weeping continues for a night, but joy: comes in the morning. He went forth weeping, bearing precious seed, and now he comes with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” The desired event is brought to pass at last; but at a time, in a. place, and upon subjects, that scarcely ever entered into his heart. An account of this would undoubtedly gratify the Christian reader, and it should bave been here inserted as it stands in his Diary, had not a particular account of this glorious and wonderful success been drawn up by Mr. Brainerd himself, pursuant to the order of the honourable society in Scotland, and published by him in his lifetime.*}.
Wednesday, June 19, 1745. Rode to the Indians at Crosweeksung: found few at home; discoursed to them however, and observed them very serious and attentive. At night I Was extremely worn out, and scarcely able to walk or sit up. Oh how tiresome is earth; how dull the body!
Thursday, June 20. Towards night, preached to the Indians again, and had more hearers than before. In the evening, enjoyed some peace and serenity of mind, some composure and comfort in prayer alone; and was enabled to lift up my head with some degree of joy, under an apprehension that my redemption draws nigh. Blessed be God, that there remains a rest to his poor weary people.
Friday, June 21. Rode to Freehold, to see Mr. William
Tennent; and spent the day comfortably with him. My
* The Reader’ will find this Jovanat added, since the First Edition published by President Edwards, under the title of “Divine Grace displayed among the Indians.”
158 THE LIFE OF [raRT Vv}.
sinking spirits were a. little raised and encouraged; and I felt my soul breathing after God, ‘in the midst of Christian conversation. In the evening, was refreshed in secret pray~ er; saw myself a poor worthless creature, without wisdom to direct, or strength to help myself. Blessed be God, who lays me under a happy, a blessed necessity of living upon himeclf.
Saturday, Some 22: About neon, rode to the Indians again; and near night, preached to them. Found my body much streagthened, and was enabled to speak with abundant plaimness and warmth. The power of God evidently attended the word; several persons were brought under great condemn for theis souls, and made to shed many tears, and to wish for —Christ to save them. I was much refreshed and quickened in my work, and could not but spend much time with them, im order to open both their misery and remedy. This was indeed a sweet afternoon to me. While riding, before F came to the Indians, my spirits were refreshed, and my soul enabled to cry to God almost incessantly, for many miles together. In the evening also I found the consolations of God were not small. £ was then willing to live, and in some Tespeets desirous of it, that I might do something for the kingdom of Christ. Yet death appeared pleasant, so that I was in some measure in a strait between two, having a desire to depart. I am often weary of this world, and want to leave it; but it is desirable to be drawn, rather than driven oat of it.
Thursday, June 27. Rejoiced to find that God enabled me to be faithful, and that he was pleased to awaken these poor Indians by my means. Oh how heart-reviving, to see the fruit of my labours!
Friday, June 28. In the. evening, my soul was revived and lifted up to God in prayer, for my poor Indians, myself and friends, and the church of God. How refreshing, how sweet was this! Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not his goodness and tender mercy.
Saturday, June 29. Preached twice to the Indians, and could not but wonder at their seriousness, and the strictness: of their attention. Blessed be God who has inclined their hearts to hear. Oh how refreshing it is ta see them attend with such uncommon diligence and affection, with tears in
-their eyes, and concern in their hearts! In the evening,
a could not but lift up my soul to God in prayer, white riding to my lodgings; and blessed be his name, had assistance and freedom. The presence of God is better than life.
Tuesday, July 2. Rode from the Indians to Brunswick, near forty miles, and lodged there. Felt my. heart drawn out after God in prayer, almost all the forenoon, especially while riding. In the evening, could not help crying to God for those poor Indians; and after I went to bed, my hears continued to go out for them, till I dropped asleep. Blessed be God that I may pray.
{He was so exhausted by constant preaching to these Indians, yielding to their earnest and importunate desires, that he found it necessary to take some relaxation. He therefore spent about a week in New-Jersey, after he left the Indians, visiting several ministers, and performing some. necessary business, before he went to the Forks of Delaware. And though very weak in body, yet he seems to have been strong in spirit. On Friday, July 12, he arrived at his own house in the Forks of Delaware; continuing still free from melancholy, he from day to day enjoyed freedom, assistance, and refreshment in the inner man: But on Wednesday, the next week, he seems to have had some melancholy thoughts about his doing so little for God, being so much hindered by weakness of body.]
Thursday, July 18. Longed to spend the little inch of time I have in the world more for God: Felt a spirit of seriousness, tenderness and devotion, and wished to spend the whole night in prayer and communion with God.
Friday, July 19. In the evening, walked abroad for prayer and meditation, and enjoyed composure and freedom in these exercises, especially in meditation on Rev. iii; 12.
“Him that overeometh, will I make a pillar in the temple of my God.” This was a delightful theme to me, and it refreshed my soul to dwell upon it. Oh, when shall I go no more out from the service and ehjoyment of the dear Lord! Lord, hasten the blessed day.
(Within the space of the next six days, he speaks of much inward refreshment and enlargement, from time to time.]
Friday, July 26. In the evening, God was pleased to help me in praver, beyond what I have experienced for some time. My soul was especially drawn out for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom, and for the conversion of my poor people; and I relied on God for the accomplishment of that great work. Ob how sweet were the thoughts of death to me at this time! How I longed to be with Christ, to be employed in the glorious work of angels, and with an angel’s freedom, vigour and delight. Yet how willing was I to stay awhile on earth, that I might do something, if the Lord pleased, for his interest in the world. My soul, my very soul longed for the ingathering of the poor Heathen; and I cried to God for them most willingly and heartily, and yet because I could not but cry. This was a delightful sea~ son; for I had some lively taste of heaven, and a temper of min¢ suited in some measure to the employments and entertainments of it. My soul was grieved to leave the place; but my body was weak and worn out, and it was near nine o'clock. I longed that the remaining part of my life might be filled up with more fervency and activity in the things of God. Ob the inward peace, composure, and God-like serenity of such a frame: heaven must needs differ from this only in degree, and not in kind. ‘“ Lord, ever give me this bread of life.”;
Lord’s day, July 28. In the evening my heart was melted and broken with a sense of past barrenness and deadness. Oh how | then longed to live to God, and bring forth mach fruit to his glory.
Monday, July 29. Was much exercised with a sense of vileness, with guilt and shame before God.
{For other things remarkable, while he was this time at the Forks of Delaware, the reader must be refered to his public Journal. As particularly for his labours and success there among the Indians.
On Wednesday, July 31. He set. out on his return to Crosweeksung, and arrived there the next day. In his way thither, he had longing desires that he might come to the Indians in the “ fulness of the blessing of the gospel of Christ;” attended with ‘a sense of his own great weakness, dependance, and worthlessness.]
Friday, August 2. In the evening I retired, and my soul was drawn out in prayer to God, especially for my poor people, to whom I had sent word that they might gather together, that [ might preach to them the next day. [ was much enlarged in praying for their saving conversion, and scarcely ever found my desires for any thing of this nature so sensibly and clearly disinterested, and free from selfish views. It seemed to me, I had no care, or hardly any desire to be the instrument of so glorious a work, as I wished and prayed for among the Indians; if the blessed work might bé accomplished to the honour of God, and the enlargement of the dear Redeemer’s kingdom, this was all my desire and care; and for this mercy { hoped, but with trembling, for I felt what Job expresses, chap. ix. 16. My rising hopes, respecting the conversion of the Indians, have been so often dashed, that my spirit is as it were broken, and courage wasted, and I hardly dare hope.
(Concerning ‘his labours and marvellous success amongst the Indians, .for the following ten days, let the reader see his public Journal. The things worthy of note in his Diary, not there published, are his earnest and importunate prayers for the Indians, and the travail of his soul for them from day. to day; his great refreshment and joy in beholding the wonderful mercy of God, and the glorious manifestations of his power and grace in his work among them; his ardent thanksgivings to God; his heart’s rejoicing in Christ, as King of his church, and King of his soul; in particular at the sacrament of the Lord’s supper at Mr. Macknight’s meeting-house; a sense of his own exceeding unworthiness, which sometimes was attended with dejection and melancholy.)
Monday, Aug. 19. Near noon I rode to Freehold, and preached to a considerable assembly, from Matth. v. 8. It pleased God to leave me to be very dry and barren, so that Ido not remember to have been so straitened for a whole twelvemonth past. God is just, and he has made my soul acquiesce in his will in this respect. It is contrary to flesh and blood, to be cut off from all freedom, in a large auditory, where their expectations are much raised; but so it was with me; and God helped me to say Amen to it; “Good
u;
162 - THE LIFE OF. [PaRT vin.
is the will of the Lord.” In the evening I felt quiet and composed, and had freedom and comfort in secret prayer.
Tuesday, Aug. 20. Was composed and comfortable, still in a resigned frame. Travelled from Mr. Tennent’s in Freehold to Elisabeth-Town. Was refreshed to see friends, and relate to them what God had done, and was still doing among my poor people.
Wednesday, Aug. 20. Spent the forenoon in conversation with Mr. Dickinson, contriving something for the settlement of the Indians together in a body, that they might be under better advantages for instruction. In the afternoon, spent some time agreeably with other friends; wrote to my brother at college; but was grieved that time passed aways while I did so little for God..
Friday, Aug. 23. In the morning, was very weak; but favoured with some freedom and sweetness in prayer; was composed and comfortable in mind. After noon, rode to Crosweeksung to my poor people.
Saturday, Aug. 24. Had composure and peace, while riding from the Indians to my lodgings; was enabled to pour out my soul to God for dear friends in New-England, Felt a tender frame of spirit, much composed and refreshed. Had likewise freedom and earnestness in praying for my dear people: blessed be God. “Oh the peace of God that passeth all understanding ;” it is impossible to describe the
peace of conscience and tenderness of soul I then enjoyed.
Oh the blessed foretastes of heaven!
Lord’s day, Aug. 25. I rode to my lodgings in the evening, blessing the Lord for his gracious visitation of the Indians, and the soul-refreshing things I had this day seen, and praying that God would still carry on his work among them.
Monday, Aug. 26. 1 went from the Indians to my lodgings, rejoicing in the goodness of God to my poor people. Enjoyed freedom in prayer and other duties in the evening: bless the Lord, oh my soul.
[The next.day he set out on a journey towards the Forks of Delaware, designing to go from thence to Susquahannah, by the way of Philadelphia. He’ waited on the governor of Pensylvania, to get a recommendation from him to the chiefs of the Indians, which he obtained. He speaks of much comfort and spiritual refreshment in this journey; also of a sense his exceeding unworthiness.} Lord's day, September 1. At the Forks of Delaware, God gave me the Spirit of prayer, and it was a blessed season. My soul cried to God for mercy in an affectionate manner, and in the evening rejoiced in God.
Wednesday, Sep. 4. Rode fifteen miles to an-Irish settlement, and preached there from Luke xiv. 22. “ And yet there is room.” God was pleased to afford me some tenderness and enlargement i in the first prayer, and much freedom and warmth in preaching. There were many tears in the assembly: the people of God seemed to melt, and others to be in some measure awakened. Blessed be the Lord, who’ lets me see his work going on in one place and another.
Friday, Sep. 6. Enjoyed some freedom nd intenseness of mind in prayer alone, and longed to have my soul more warmed with divine and heavenly things. Was somewhat melancholy towards night, and longed to die and quit a scene of sin and darkness; but was a little. supported in prayer.
Lord's day, Sep. 8. In the evening, God was pleased to. assist me in prayer, and give me freedom at the throne of grace, I cried for the enlargement of his kingdom in the world, and in particular among my dear people; was also enabled to pray for many dear ministers and acquaintances, both, in these parts and in New-England. My soul was so engaged and enlarged in the exercise, that I spent near an hour in it, and knew not how to leave the mercy-seat. Oh how I delighted to pray and cry to God! I saw, that he was both able and willing to do all that I desired, for myself and friends, and his church in general. I was likewise much enlarged and assisted in family-prayer. And afterwards, when Iwas just going to bed, God helped me to renew my petitions with ardency and freedom. It was to me a blessed evening of prayer. Bless the Lord, oh my soul.
[The next day he set out from the Forks of Delaware to go to Susquahannah; and on the fifth day of his journey, he arrived at Shaumoking, a large Indian town on Susquehannah river. He performed the journey under a considerable degree of melancholy, occasioned at first by his hearing that the Moravians were gone before him to the Susquahannah Indians.}
Saturday, Sep. M4. At Shaumoking. In the evening, u 2
164 THE LIFE OF [PART VIE;
my soul was enlarged and sweetly engaged in prayer 3 especially, that God would set up his kingdom in this place, where the devil now reigns in the most eminent manner. And I was enabled to ask this for Ged’s glory, and because I longed for the enlargement of his kingdom, to the honour of his blessed name. I could appeal to God with the greatest freedom, that he knew it was his dear cause, and not my own, that engaged my heart: and my soul cried, “Lord; set up thy kingdom, for thine own glory. Glorify thyself;
and I shall rejoice. Get honour to thy blessed name, and this is all I desire. Do with me just what thou wilt. Blessed be thy name for ever, that thou art God, and that thou wilt glorify thyself. Oh that the whole world might glorify thee. Oh let these poor people be brought to know thee,
and love thee, for the glory of thy dear and blessed name !” I could not but hope, that God would bring in these miserable wicked Indians; though there appeared little human probability of it, for they were then dancing and revelling, as if possessed by the devil. Yet 1 hoped, though against hope, that God would be glorified by those poor Indians. I continued long in prayer and praise; had great freedom and enlargement in remembering dear friends in New-England, as well as the people of my charge. Was entirely free from that dejection of spirit with which [ am frequently exercised: blessed be God.
{His Diary from this time to Sep. 22, (the last day of his continuance among the Indians at Susquahannah) is not legible, by reason of the badness of the ink. .It was probably written with the juice of some berries found in the woods, having no other ink in that wilderness. So that for this —space of time the reader must be wholly referred to his public Journal.
On Monday, Sep. 28. He left the Indians, in order to his return to the Forks of Delaware, in a very weak state of body, and under dejection of mind, which continued the two first days of his journey.]
Wednesday, Sep. 25. Rode still homeward. In the forenooh, enjoyed freedom and intenseness of mind in meditating on Job xlii. 5,6. “ I bave heard of thee by the’ hearing of the ear, but now mine eye seeth thee; wherefore I pantvit.}. DAVID" BRAINERD. 165:
abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” The Lord gave.. me clearness to penetrate into the truths contained in that text: it was a comfortable season to me.
Thursday, Sep. 26. Was still much disordered in body, and able to ride but slowly, yet continued my journey. Near. night, arrived at the Irish settlement, about fifteen miles from my own house. This day; while riding, I was much exercised with a sense of my barrenness, and verily. thought there was no creature that had any true grace, but what was more spiritual and fruitful than I; could not think that any of God’s children made-so poor a hand of living to. God as. I. m
Friday, Sep. 27. Spent considerable time, in the morn-
‘ing, in prayer and praise. My mind was somewhat intense
in the duty, and in some degree warmed with a sense of divine things: I was melted to think that “ God had ac-. counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry,” notwith-. standing all my barrenness and deadness. My soul was also, in some measure enlarged in prayer for the people of my, charge, as well as for other dear friends. In the afternoon, visited some Christian friends, and spent: the time, I think, profitably: my heart was warmed and more engaged in the. things of God. In the evening I enjoyed enlargement, warmth and comfort in prayer; relied on God for assistance and grace to enable me to do something in his-cause. My heart was drawn out in thankfulness to God for what he had done for his own glory among my poor people of late; and. I felt encouraged to proceed in his work, being persuaded of his power, and hoping his, arm might be further revealed, for the enlargement:of his kingdom. My soul “ rejoiced in hope of the glory of God,” in hope of the advancement of his declarative glory'in the world, as well as of enjoying him in. a world of glory. Oh blessed be God, the living God, for ever re
{He continued in this comfortable frame the two next days. On the day following, he went to his own house, in the Forks of Delaware, and continued still the same.. The. next day, which was Tuesday, the visited bis Indians.. Wed; esday he spent. mostly in writing the meditations he had tad in his late journey to Susquahannah. On Thursday
ry he left tie Forks of Delaware, and travelled towards Cros-
4; M 3
a oe Sa me “
a ey 166. THE LIFf# OF [PART VII.
weeksung, where he arrived on Saturday, October. 5, and continued from day to day in a comfortable state of mind. There is nothing material in his Diary for this day and the next, but what is in his printed Journal.)
Monday, Oct. 7. Being called by the church and people of East-Hampton on Long-Island, a3 a member of a coune cil, to assist and advise in affairs of difficulty in that church, I set out on my journey this morning, before it was well light, and travelled to Elisabeth-T’ own, and there lodged. Enjoyed some comfort on the road, in conversation with Mr. William Tennent, who was sent for on the same ‘business. os
[He prosecuted his journey with the other ministers that were sent for, and did not return till Oct. 24. While he ‘was at East-Hampton, the importance of the business that the council were come upon, lay with such weight on his mind, and he was so concerned for the interest of religion in that place, that he slept but little for several nights successively. In his way to and from East-Hampton, he had several seasons of sweet refreshment, wherein his soul was enlarged and comforted with divine consolations, in secret retirement; and he had special assistance in public ministerial performances in the house of God; and yet, at the same time, a sense of extreme vileness and unprofitableness, - He from time to time,speaks of soul-refreshment and comfort in conversation with the ministers that travelled with him; and seems to have little oy nothing of melancholy, till he came to the west-end of Long-Island on his return. After. that, he was oppressed with dejection and gloominess of mind, for several days together.. For an account of the four first days after his return from his journey, I refer the reader to his public Journal.)
Monday, Oct. 28. Had an evening of sweet refreshing; my thoughts were raised to a blessed eternity; my soul was. melted with desires of perfect holiness, and perfectly glorifying God.
Tuesday, Oct. 29. About noon, rode and viewed the In-. dian lands at Cranberry: was much dejected, and greatly perplexed in mind; knew not how to see any body'again,
* -s ¢ a rs +b
eo my soul was so sunk within me. Oh that these trials might make me more humble and holy. Oh that God would keep me from giving way to sinful dejection, which may hinder my usefulness.
Wednesday, Oct. 30. My soul was refreshed with a view of the continuance of God’s blessed work among the Indians.
Thursday, Oct. 31; Spent most of the day in writing; enjoyed not much spiritual comfort, but was not so much sunk with melancholy as at some other times.
Saturday, Nov.%. Spent the day with the Indians, and wrote some things of importance. Longed to do more for God than I did, or could do in this present feeble and imperfect state.
[Tuesday, Nov. 5. He left the Indians, and spent the remaining part of this week in travelling to various parts of New-Jersey, in order to get a collection for the use of the Indians, and to obtain a schoolmaster to instruct them. In the mean time, he speaks of great refreshment and entertainment with Christian friends, and of his being sweetly employed, while riding, in meditation on divine subjects; his “heart burned within him, while be went by the way, and the Lord opened to him the scriptures.”]
Lord's day, Nov. 10,. At Elisabeth-Town. Was comfort able in the morning, both in body and mind; preached i in the forenoon from 2 Cor. v. 20.. God was pleased to give me freedom and fervency in my discourse, and his presence seemed to, be in the assembly; numbers were affected, and many tears were shed. In the afternoon, preached from Luke xiv,
22% “ And yet there is room.” Was favoured with divine assistance in the first prayer, and I poured out my soul with filial freedom; the living God also assisted me in preaching:
_ [The next day he went to New-Town on Long-Island, to a meeting of the Presbytery. He speaks of some sweet meditations he had while there, on “ Christ’s delivering up the kingdom tothe Father ;” and of his soul’s being much refreshed and warmed with the consideration of that blissful day.]
Friday, Nov. 15. Could not cross the ferry by reason of %, the violence of the wind, nor could I enjoy any place of re-? * M 4 168 THE LIFE OF [PaRe vit.
tirement at the ferry-house, so that ] was in perplexity. Yet God gave me some satisfaction and sweetness in meditation, and lifting up my heart to him in the midst of company. And although some were drinking and talking profanely, which was indeed a grief to me, yet my mind was calm and composed; and | could not but bless God, that I was not likely to spend an eternity in such company. In the evering I sat down and wrote with composure and freedom; and: through grace, I was enabled to spend the time in the sere: vice of God.
Saturday, Nov. 16. Crossed the ferry about ten o ’clock; arrived at Elisabeth-Town near night. Was in a calm composed frame of mind, and felt an entire resignation with respect to a loss 1 had lately sustained, in having my horse stolen from me the last Wednesday night, at New-Town. Had some longings of sout for the dear people of Elisabeth- Town, that God would pour out his Spirit, and revive his work amongst them.
[He spent the four next days at Elisabeth-Town, for the most part, in a free and comfortable state of mind, intensely engaged in the service of God, and enjoying the special assistances “rf his Spirit. On_ Thursday he rode to Freehold, and spent the day under considerable dejection.]
Friday, Nov. 22. Rode to Mr. Tennent’s, and from thence to Crosweeksung. Had little freedom in meditation, while riding, which was a grief and burden to me. Oh that I could fill up all my time for God, whether in the house or by the way, Was enabled, I think, this day to give up.my soul to God, and place all my concerns in his hands; found some real consolation in the thought of being entirely at the divine disposal, and having no will or interest of my own. I have received my all from God; oh that [ could return my all to him. Surely God is worthy of my highest affection, and most devout adoration; he is infinitely worthy that 1 should’ make him my last end, and liye for ever to | him. Oh that I might never more, in any one instance, live to myself!
Saturday, Nov. 23. Visited my people;‘spent the day with them; wrote some things of importance, but was dejected most of the day.
Thursday, Nov. 28. 1 enjoyed some divine comfort and fervency in the public exercise, and afterwards. While riding to my lodgings, was favoured with some sweetaneditations on Luke ix. 31. “ Who appeared in glory, and spake of his decease which he should accomplish at Jerusalem.” My thoughts ran with freedom, and I saw and felt what a glorious subject the death of Christ is fur glorified souls to dwell upon in their conversation. Oh the death of Christ; how infinitely precious!
Monday, Dec. 2. Was much affected with grief, that 1 had not lived more to God; and felt strong resolutions to double my diligence in my Master's service.
[After this he went to a meeting of the Presbytery, at a place in New-Jersey, called Connecticut Farms; which occasioned his absence from his people the rest of this week. He speaks of some seasons ‘of solemnity and spiritual affection during his absence.]
Monday, Dec. 9. Spent most of the day in procuring provisions, in order to my setting up housekeeping among the Indians. “Enjoyed little satisfaction through the day, being very much out of my element.
Tuesday, Dec. 10. Was engaged in the same business as yesterday. Towards night, got iato my own house.*
Wednesday, Dec. 11. Spent the forenoon in necessary fabour about my house. In the afternoon, rode out upon business, and spent the evening with some satisfaction among friends in conversation on a serious and profitable subject.
Friday, Deg. 13. Spent the day chiefly in labour about - my house. In the evening, spent some time in writing; but was much wearied with the labour of the day.
Saturday, Dec. 14. Rose early, and wrote by candlelight some considerable time; spent most of the day in writing, .but was somewhat dejected. In the evening, was exercised with a pain in my head.
" [For the two next days, see his public Journal. The remainder of this week he spent chiefly in writing; some part
- * This is the third house that he built to dwell in by himself among the Indians: the first at Kaunaumeek i in the county of Albany; the second at the Forks of Delaware in'Pensylvania; and now this at Crosweeksung i in New- ¥. at
Jersey, Re vf the time under a degree of melancholy; but some part of it with @ sweet ardency in religion.J
Saturday, Dec. 21. After my labours with the Indians, ] spent some time in writing, and was much wearied with the labours of the day; found that my spirits were extremely
« spent, and that I could do no more. I am conscious to myself that my labours are as great and constant as my nature will bear, and that ordinarily I goto the extent of my strength; so that I do all I can: but the misery is, I do not Jabour with that heavenly temper, that single eye to the glory of God that I long for.
' Monday and Tuesday, Dec. 23,24. Spent these days in writing, with the utmost diligence. Felt on the whole a sweet mortification to the world, and a desire to live and labour only for God; but wanted more warmth and spiritu-- ality, a more sensible and affectionate regard to the glory af ° God.
Thursday and Friday, Dec. 26, 27. Laboured in my studies to the utmost of my-strength; and though I felt a steady disposition of mind to live to God, and that 1 hed nothing in this world to live for, yet I did not find that sen- ‘sible affection in the service of God that I wanted to have; my heart seemed barren, though my head and hands were full of labour.
[For the four next days, see his public Journal.*]
Wednesday, ‘Jan. 1. 1745-6, I am this day beginning a New Year; and God has carried me through numerous trials and labours i in the past. He has amazingly supported my feeble frame; and “ having obtained help of God, I continue to this day.” Oh that I might live nearer to God this year
- than I did the last!. The business I have been called to, and enabled. to: go through, I know las been as great as nature could bear up under, and what would have sunk and - overcome me quite, without special support. But alas, alas, ‘though I have done the labgurs and endured the trials, with what spirit have I done the one and borne the other? How cold has been the frame of my heart oftentimes; and how
+5 glittle have I sensibly eyed the glory of God, in all my doings
“ * Qn the first of these days he wrote the Sixth Letter, published at the end, and sufferings. I have found that [ could have no peace without filling up all my time with labours; and thus “ necessity has been laid upon me;” yea, in that respect, I have loved to labour: buat the misery is, I could ‘not sensibly
‘labour for God, as 1 would have done. May I for the fature
be enabled more sensibly to make the glory of God my aii.
- Monday, Jan. 6. Being very weak in body, 1 rode out for my health. While riding, my thoughts were sweetly engaged for a time, upon “ the stone cut out of the mountain without hands, which brake in pieces” all before it, and “ waxed great, and became a great mountain, and filled the whole earth.” I longed that Jesus should take to himself his great power and reign; and oh how sweet were the moments, wherein I felt my soul warm with hopes of the enlargement of the Redeemer’s kingdom! I wanted nothing else but that Christ should reign, to the glory of his blessed name.
Wednesday, Jan.8. In the evening my heart was drawn
- out after God in secret; was refreshed and quickened, and I
trust, faith was in exercise. I had great hopes of the ingathering of precious souls to Christ; not only among my
- own people, but others also. I was sweetly resigned and
composed .under my bodily weakness; and was willing to live or die, and degirous to labour for. God to the utmost of my strength.
Thursday, Jan. 9.' Was still very weak, and muchexercised with lowness of spirits. In thé evening, enjoyed some erilargemént and spirituality in prayer, - -Oh that I’ could always spend my time profitably, both in health and weakness.
Friday, Jan. 10. .My soul was in a calm composed frame, filled with love to all the world; Christian simplicity and
tenderness seemed to prevail and reign within me.. Near.
night, visited a serious baptist minister, and had some agreeable conversation with him; found that ] could Taste God in friends..
Wednesday, Jan. 15. My spirits werenery Jow and flat,
and could not’ but think 1 was a burden ‘to God’s earth. .I could scarcely look any body in the face, through shame and sense of barrenness. God pity a poor unprofitable creature!
(The two next days, he had some comfort and refreshment. For the two following days, see the public Journal.. a,
ba
Eee 172 THE LIFE OF [PART VIfs
The next day he set out on a journey to Elisabeth-Town to confer with the Correspondents, and enjoyed much spirit tual refreshment from day to day. He speaks of serenity, composure and tenderness of soul; thanksgiving to God for his success among the Indians ;. delight in prayer and praise; sweet and profitable meditations on various divine subjects; longing for more love, for more vigour to live to God, for a life more entirely devoted to him, that he might spend all his time profitably for God and in his cause; conversing on spiritual subjects with affection, and Jamentation for unprofitableness.] ——-
Eord’s day, Jan. 26. At Connecticut Farms. Was calm and composed. Was made sensible of my utter inability to preach, without divine help; and was in some good measure willing to leave it with God, to give or withhold assistance, as he saw would be most for his own glory. Was favoured with a considerable degree of assistance in my‘work. After public worship, I was in a sweet and solemn frame of mind, thankful to God that he had made me in some measure faith ful in addressing precious souls, but grieved that I had no more fervency. I was tenderly affected towards all the world, longing that every sinner might be saved, and could not have entertained any bitterness towards the worst enemy living. In the evening, rode to Elisabeth-Town. While riding, was almost constantly engaged in lifting up my heart to God, lest I should lose that heavenly solemnity and composure I then enjoyed. Afterwards, was pleased to think that God reigneth, and that I could never be uneasy withany of his dispensations;; but must be entirely satisfied, whatever trials he should cause me or his church to encounter. Never felt more sedateness, divine serenity and composure of mind; could freely have left the dearest earthly friend for the society of angels, and spirits of. just men made per fect. My affections soared aloft to the blessed Author of every dear enjoyment: I viewed the'emptiness and unsatisfactory nature of the most desirable earthly objects, any further than God is seen jin them; and longed for a life of spi« rituality and inward ‘purity, without which I saw there could be no true happiness. ey
{He retained a great degree of this excellent frame of:
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