Journey to Boston, and the Circumstances of His Death (part 1 of 3)
PART VIII. an
After his return From his last. journey to Susquakannah, until his death.
[H ITHERTO Mr. Breinerd had kept a constant Diary,
giving an account of what passed from day to day, with very --
little interruption; bat henceforward his diary is very much interrupted by his illness. He was often brought so low, as either not to be capable of writing, or not well able to bear the burden of a care so constant as was requisite, to recollect every evening what had passed in the day, and-set down an orderly account of it m writing. However, his Diary was not wholly neglected; but he took care, from time to time, to take some notice of the most material things concerning himself and the state of his mind, even till within a few days of his death, as the reader will see afterwards. *]
Lord’s day, Sep. 21. 1746. I was 86, weak I could not preach, nor pretend to ride over-to.my people in the ‘foreneon. In the afternoon, rode out; sat in my chart, and discoursed to my people from Rom. xiv. 7,8. 1 was strengthened and helped'in my discourse, and there appeared some-' thing agreeable in the assembly. I returned to my lodgings extremely tired, but thankfel that 1 had been enabled to speak a word to my poor people, from whom | had: been so long absent. Was able to sleep very,little this night, through weariness and pain. Oh how blessed should 1 be, if the little I do were all done with right views! Oh that, “« whether I live, I might live to the Lord,” Sc. -
Saturday, Sep. 27. Spent this day, as well as the whole week past, under a great degree of bodily weakness, attended with ‘a violent cough and fever. Had no appetite to any kind of food, and frequently brought up what I eat, as soon as it was down; and oftentimes had little rest in my bed, by reason of paina in my breast and back. I was able however to ride“over to my people, about two miles, every day and take some care of those who were then at work upon a small house fér me to reside-in amongst the Indians.t I ‘was sometimes hardly able to walk, and never able to sit up the whole day, through the week. Was calm and composed, _ "and but little exercised with melancholy, as in former‘sea- ‘sons of weakness. Whether I should ever recover or no, seemed very doubtful; but this was many times a comfort to me, that life and death did not depend upon my choice. I
©. My. Shepard; in his Select cases resolved, ander the first case says.as fofiows. “T have lately known one very able, wise and godly, put upon the rack, by him that, envying God’s people's peace, knows how to change himself inte an angel of light.” For it being his usual course, in the time of his health, te make a diary of his hourly life, and finding much benefit by it, he was in censcience pressed, by the power and delusion of Satan, to take the same daily survey of his life in the time of his sickness; by means of which he spent his enfeebled spirits, and cast on fuel to fire his sickness. Had not.a friend of bis convinced him of his érroneeus conscience misleading him at that time, he bad murdered his body, out of conscience to save his soul, and to preserve his grace. And do you think these were the motions of God’s Spirit, which like those locusts, Rev. ix. 9, 10, had faces like men, but had tails tke scar, pions, and stings in their tails?”
t This was the fourth house he built for his residence among the Indians.
Besides that at Kaunaumeek, and that at the Forks of Delaware, and another at Crosmecksang, he built ene slow at Cranberry.
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was pleased to think that he who is infinitely wise, had the determination of this matter; and that I had ne trouble to consider and weigh: things upon all sides, in order to make the choice, whether I would live or die. Thus my time was consumed. I had little strength to pray, none to write or read, and.scarcely any to meditate; but through divine goodness, I could with great composure look death in the face, and frequently with sensible joy. Oh hd blessed it is, to be habitually prepared for death. The Lord*grant, that F may be actually ready also! | Oo Lord’s day, Sep. 28. Rode to my people; and though under much weakness, attempted to preach from 2 Cor.
xiii. 5. Discoursed about half an hour; at which season
divine power seemed to attend the word; but being extreme -
,. weak, t was obliged to desist; and after a turn of faintness,
with much difficulty rode to my lodgings; where betaking / myself to my bed, I lay ma burning fever, and almost delirious for several hours; till towards morning, my fever went off with a violent sweat. I have often been feverish and unable to rest quietly after preaching; but this was the severest illness that preaching ever brought upon me. Yet I felt perfectly at rest in my own mind, because I had made my utmost attempts to speak for God, and knew I could do no more.
’ Tuesday, Sep. 30. Yesterday and to-day, was in n the saine weak state, or rather weaker than in days past, hardly able to sit up half the day.’ Was in a composed frame of mind, ree markably free from dejection and melancholy. God has been pleased’ in great measure to deliver me from these unhappy glooms, in the general course of my present weakness hitherto, and also from a peevish froward spirit, Oh how great a mercy is this! Oh that I might always be perfectly quiet in seasons of the greatest weakness, although nature should sink and fai. Oh that 1 may always be able with the utmost sincerity to’say, “ Lord, not my will, but thine be-done:” This, through grace, 1 can say, at present, with regard to life or death. “ The Lord do with me as seems good in his sight;” that whether I live or die, I may glorify him, who is worthy to receive blessing, and “ honour, and dominion for ever. Amen.”
Saturday, Oct. 4. Spent the former part of this week under great infirmity and disorder, as I had done several weeks before. Was able however to ride a little every day, although unable to sit up half the day, till Thursday. Took some care daily of some persons at work upon my house. | On Friday afternoon found myself wonderfully revived and strengthened; and having some time before given notice to my people, and those of them at the Forks of Delaware in particular, that I designed, with leave of Providence, to ad-. minister the Lord’s supper upon the-first Sabbath in October, the Sabbath now approaching, on Friday-afternoon I preached, preparatory to the sacrament, from 2 Cor. xiii. 5, finishing what I had proposed to offer upon the subject the Sabbath before. The sermon was blessed to the stirring up religious affection, ‘and a spirit of devotion in the people of God; and to the greatly affecting one who had backslidden from God, which caused him to judge and condemn himself. 1 was surprisingly strengthened in. my work while speaking; bat was obliged immiediately after to repair to bed, being now removed into my own house among the Indians. This gave me such speedy relief and refreshment, as I could not well have lived without. Spent some time on Friday night in conversing with my people about divine things, as I lay upon my bed; and found my soul refreshed, though my body was weak. This being Saturday, I discoursed particularly with divers of the communicants; and this afternoon preached from Zech. xii. 10. There seemed to be a tender melting, and hearty mourning for sin, in numbers of the congregation. My soul was in. a comfortable frame, and [ enjoyed freedom and assistance. in public service; was myself, as well as most of the congregation, much affected with the humble confession, and apparent broken-heartedness of the forementioned backslider. 1 could not but rejoice that God had given him such a sense of his sia and un- Worthiness. Was extremely tired in the evening, but lay on my bed, and discoursed to my people.
Lord's day, Oct. 5. Was still very weak; and. in the moming, considerably afraid I should not be able to go through the work of the day; having much to do, both in Private and public. Discoursed before the administration of the sacrament, from John i. 29. “ Behold the Lamb of God, that taketh away the sin of the world.” Where I considered, 1. In what respects Christ is called “the Lamb of God ;” and observed that he is so called, (1.) From the purity and
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innocency of his nature. (@.) From his meekness and patience under sufferings. (3.) From his being that etonement which was pointed out in the sacrifice of lambs, and in particular by the paschal lamb. II. Considered how and in what sense he “ takes away the sin of the world;” and observed, that the means by which he takes away the sins of men, was his giving himself for them, doing and suffering in their room and stead, &c. And he is said to take away the sin of “ the world,” not because all the world shall actually be redeemed from sin by him; but because, (1.) He has done and suffered sufficient to answer for the sins of the world, and so to redeem all mankind. (@.) He actually does take away the sins of the elect world. And, ILI. Considered how we are to “ behold him,” in order to have our sins taken away. (1.) Not with our bodily eyes. Nor, (2.) By imagin. ing him on the cross, §c. But by a spiritual view of his glory and goodness, engaging the soul to rely on him, &c.—The divine presence attended this discourse, and the assem- - bly was considerably melted with it. After sermon, baptized two persons. Then administered the Lord’s supper to near forty communicants, of the Indians, besides several Christians of the white people. It seemed to be a season of divine power and grace, and numbers appeared to rejoice in God. Oh the sweet union and harmony then prevailing among believers. My soul was refreshed, and my religious friends, of the white people, with me. After the sacrament, could scarcely get home, though it was not more than twenty roods; but was supported and led by my friends, and laid on my bed. .I lay in pain till some time in the evening, and then was able to sit up and discourse with friends. Oh how was this day spent in prayers and praises among my dear people! One might hear them all the morning, before public worship, and in the evening till near midnight, praying and singing praises to God, in one or other of their houses. My soul was refreshed, though my body was weak.
[This week he went in a very low state to Elisabeth-Town, to attend the meeting of the Synod there; but was disappointed by its removal to New-York. He continued in a very composed comfortable frame of mind.]
‘Saturday, Oct. 11. Towards night was seized with an ague, which was followed with 9 hard fever, and.consider-. able pain. Was treated with great kindness, and was ashamed to see so much concern about so unworthy a erga, ture as A knew myself to be. Was ia a comfortable frame of, mind, wholly submissive, with regard tq life or death, It was indeed a peculiar satisfaction tq me to think, that it wag not my concern or business to determine whether I should live or die. I likewise felt satisfied while under, this un-. common degree of disorder, being fully convinced of my: weakness and inability to perform my work; whereas at. other times may mind was perplexed with fears, that 1 was a misimprover of time, by conceiting I was sick when I was not in reality so, Qb how precious is time, and how guilty it makes me feel, when I think [ have trifled away and mise. improved it, or neglected to fill up each part of it with duty, to the utmost of my ability and capacity.
Lord’s day, Oct. 1%. Was scarcely able to sit up in the
forenoon: in the afternoon, attended public worship, and was
in a composed comfortable frame.
Lord’s day, Oct. 19. Unable to do any thing the week past, except that on Thursday I rode out about four miles; at which time I took cold. As I was able tq do little or
. hething, so 1 did not enjoy much spirituality. I longed in-
deed to be more fruitful and full of heavenly affection, and Was grieved to see the hours slide away, while I could do nothing for God.— Was able this week to attend public worship. Was composed and comfortable, willing either to die or live; but found it hard to be reconciled to the thoughts of living useless, Oh that I might never live to be a burden to God’s creation; but that I might be allowed to repair home, when my ‘sojourning work is done!
[This week he went back to his Indians at Cranberry, to take some care of their spiritual and temporal concerns: and was much spent with journeying, though he rode but a little Way in a day.]
Thursday, Oct. 23. Went to my own house, and set things in order. Was very weak, and somewhat melancholy:., laboured to do something, but had no strength, and was - forced to lie down on my bed very solitary.
Friday, Oct. 24. Spent the day in overseeing and di-
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recting my people, about mending their fence and securing their wheat. Found, that all their concerns of a secular ‘nature depended upon me.—Was somewhat refreshed in the evening, having been able to do something valuable in the day-time. Oh how it pains me to see time pass away, when I can do nothing to any purpose.
Saturday, Oct. 25. Visited some of my people; spent time in writing, and felt much better in body than usual. When it was near night, I felt so well that I had thoughts of expounding: but in the evening was much disordered again, and spent the night in coughing and spitting of blood.
’ Lord’s day, Oct. 26, In the morning, was exceeding weak: spent the day, till near night, in pain to see my poor ’ people wandering “ as sheep having no shepherd,” waiting and hoping to see me able to preach to them before night- It could not but distress me to see them in this case, and to find myself unable to attempt any thing for their spiritual benefit. But towards night, finding myself a little better, I called them together to my house, and sat down, and read and expounded Matth. v. 1—16. This discourse, though delivered in much weakness, was attended with power to many of the hearers, especially what was spoken upon the last of these verses; where I insisted on the infinite wrong done to religion, by having our light become darkness, instead of “ shining before men.” As many in the congregation were now deeply affected with a sense of their deficiency, ‘in regard to a spiritual conversation that might recommend religion to others, so also a spirit of concern and watchfulness seemed to be excited in them. One in particular, who had fallen into the sin of drunkenness some time before, was now deeply convinced of his sin, and the great dishonour done to religion by his misconduct, and discovered a great degree of grief and concern on that account. My soul was refreshed to see this. And though I had no strength to speak so much as I would have done, but was obliged to lie down on the bed; yet I rejoiced to see such a humble melting in the congregation, and that divine truth, though faintly delivered, was attended with so much efficacy upon the auditory.
Monday, Oct. 27: Spent the day in overseeing and directing the Indians, about mending the fence round their wheat: was able to walk with them, and contrive their business all the forenoon. In the afternoon, was visited by two dear friends, and spent some time in conversation with them: Towards night, was able to walk out, and take care of the Indians again. In the evening, enjoyed a very peaceful frame.
Tuesday, Oct. 28. Rode to Prince-Town in a very. weak state; had such a violent fever by the way, that I was forced to alight at a friend's house, and lie down for some time.
'. ‘Near night, was visited by Mr. Treat, Mr. Beaty and his “wife, and another friend. My spirits -were refreshed to see. * them; but I was surprized, and even ashamed, that they had
taken so much pains as to ride thirty or forty miles to see me. Was able to sit upmost of the evening, and spent the time in a very comfortable manner with my friends..
Wednesday, Oct. 29. Rode about ten miles with my friends, who came yesterday to see me: and then parted with them all but one, who stayed on purpose to keep me company and cheer my spirits. Was very weak and feverish, especially towards night; but enjoyed comfort and satis-. faction. - -
Thursday, Oct. 30. Rode three or four miles to visit Mr. Wales; spent some time in agreeable conversation; and though extremely weak, I enjoyed a comfortable frame: of mind.
' Friday, Oct. 31. Spent the day among friends comfortably, though exceeding weak, and under a considerable fever.
Saturday, November 1. Took leave of friends, after having spent the forenoon with them, and returned home to my own house. Was much disordered in the evening, and oppressed with my cough; which has now been constant for a long time, with a bard pain in my breast, and fever. -
Lord's day, Nov. 2. Was unable to preach, and scarcely able to sit up the whole day. Was grieved, and almost sunk, tosee my poor people destitute of the means of graces especially considering they could not read, and sv were under great disadvantages for spending the Sabbath comfortably. Oh [ thought, I could be contented to be sick, if my poor flock had a faithful pastor to feed them with spiritual knowledge. A view of their. want of this was more afflictive to me, than all my bodily illness.
Monday, Nov. 3. Being now in so weak and low a state,
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that I was utterly incapable of performing my work, and having little hope of recovery, unless by much riding, f thought it my duty to take a long journey into New-England, and to divert myself among my friends, whom I had not seen for a long time. Accordingly I took leave of my congregation this day—Before I left my people, 1 visited them all in their respective houses, and discoursed to each one, as [ thought most proper and suitable to their circume stances, and found great freedom ant assistance in so doing. 1 scarcely left one house but some were in tears; and many were not only affected with my being about to leave them, but with the solemn addresses 1 made them upon divine things; for I was helped to be “fervent in spirit,” while 1 discoursed to them. When I had thus gone through my congregation, which took me most of the day, and had taken leave of them and of the school, I left home, and rode about two miles, to the house where I lived in the summer past, and there’ lodged. Was refreshed this evening, in that I had left my congregation so well disposed and affected, and that I had ' been so much assisted in making my farewell addresses to. them. Tuesday, Nov. 4. Rode to Woodbridge, and lodged with Mr. Pierson; continuing still in a very weak state. Wednesday, Nov. 5. Rode to Elisabeth-Town, intending as soon as possible to prosecute my journey into New-England; but was, in an hour or two after my arrival, taken much worse. _ ” After this, for near ‘a week, was confided to my chamber, | and most of the time to my bed; and then so far revived as to be able to walk about the house, but still confined within doors.’
In the beginning ‘of this extraordinary turn of disorder, after my coming to Elisabeth-Town, I was enabled through mercy to maintain a calm, composed. and patient spirit, as 1 had been before from the beginning of my weakness. After {had been in Elisabeth-Town about a fortnight, and hed so far recovered that |-was able to walk about the house, upon a day of thanksgiving kept in this place, I was enabled to recal and recount the mercies of God: in such a manner‘as greatly affected me, and filled me-with thankfulness and praise. Especially my soul praised God for his work of grace among the Indians, and -the enlargement of his own kingdom. I blessed God for what he is in himself, and adored him that he ever would display himself to creatures. I rejoiced that he was God, and longed that all should know it, and feel it, and rejoice in it. ‘ Lord, glorify thyself,’ was the cry of my soul. Oh that all people might love and praise the blessed God, that he might have all possible honour and glory from the intelligent world.*
After this comfortable thanksgiving-season, I frequently enjoyed freedom and engagedness of soul in prayer, and was enabled to intercede with God for my dear congregation, ’ very often for every family, and every person in particular. It'was also a great comfort to me that I could pray. heartily
-. to God for those, to whom I could not speak, and whom I
was not allowed to see. At other times my spirits were so flat and low, and my bodily vigour so much wasted, that I had scarcely any affections at all.
' In December, [ had revived so far as to be able to walk abroad and visit friends, and seemed to be on the gaining hand. with regard to my health, until Lord’s day, December 2i. At which time I went to the public worship; and it being sacrament day, I laboured much at the Lord’s table, to bring forth a certain corruption, and have it slain, as ’ being an enemy to Gdd and my own soul; and could not but hope that I had gained some strength against this, as well as other corruptions, and felt some brokenness of heart for sin.
After this, having perhaps taken some cold, I began to decline as to bodily health; and continued to do so, till the latter end of January 1746-7. And having a violent cough, fever and asthma, and no appetite for any manner of food, nor any power of digestion. I was reduced to so low a state that my friends generally despaired of my life; and some of thetn, for some time together, thought I could scarcely live ‘a day.; In this time I could think of nothing with any application of mind, and seemed in a great measure void of all affection, and was exercised with great temptations; yet J was not, ordinarily, afraid of death:
Lord’s day, February 1. Though in a very weak and low state, I enjoyed considerable comfort and sweetness in divine things; and was enabled to plead and use arguments
” © About this time he wrote ‘the seventh letter, published at the end of this account of his tife..;
216 ° THE LIFE OF, Grant vir,
with God in prayer, I think, with a child-like spirit. That passage of scripture occurred to my mind, and gave me great assistance: “If ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the holy Spirit to them that ask him?” This text I was helped to plead and insist upon, and saw the divine faithfulness engaged to deal with me better than any earthly parent can do with his child. This season so refreshed my soul, that my body seemed also to be a gainer by it; aad from this time I began gradually to amend. And as I recovered some strength and spirit, { found at times some freedom and. life in the exercises of devotion, and some longings after spirituality and a life of usefulness to the ‘interests of the great Redeemer. At other times | was awfully barren and lifeless, and out of frame for the things of God; so that I was ready often to cry out, “Oh that it were with meas in months past! Oh that God had taken me away in the midst ef my usefulness, with a sudden stroke, that I might not have been under a necessity of trifling away time in diversions. Oh that I had never lived to spend so much precious time in so poor a manner, and to so little purpose!” Thus [ often reflected, was grieved, ashamed, and even confounded, sunk and discouraged. oe
Tuesday, Feb. 24. I was able to ride as far as Newark, having been confined within Elisabeth-Town almost four months; and the next day returned to Elisabeth-Town. My - spirits were somewhat refreshed with the nde, though my body was weary.
Saturday, Feb.28. Was visited by an Indian of my own congregation, who brought me letters, and good news of the sober and good behaviour of my people in general. This’ refreshed my soul; I could not but soon retire, and bless God for his goodness; and found, I trust, a truly thankful frame of spirit, that God seemed to be building up that congregation for himself.
Wednesday, March 4. 1 met with reproof from a friend, which, although I thought I did not deserve it from him, was I trust blessed of God to make me more tenderly afraid of sin, more jealous over myself, and more concerned to keep both heart and life pure and unblameable. It likewise caused me to reflect on my past deadness and want of spirituality, and to abhor myself, and look on myself as most unworthy. This frame of mind continued the next day;
and for several days efter I grieved to think, that in -my necessary diversions I bad not maintained more seriousness, solemnity, heavenly affection and conversation. Thus my spirits were often depressed and sunk; and yet, I trust, that reproof was made beneficial to me.
Wednesday, March 11, being kept in Elisabeth-Town as a day of fasting and prayer, I attended public worship; which was the first time I was able so to do since December ' 21.. Oh how much weakness and distress did God carry me through in this space of time. But having obtained help from him, } yet live: oh that I could live more to his glory!
Lord’s day, March 15. Was able again to attend public worship, and felt some earnest desires of being restored to the minjsterial work.
Wednesday, March 18. Rode out with a design to visit my people, and the next day arrived among them: was under great dejection i in my journey.
On Friday morning | rose early, walked about among my people, and inquired into their state and concerns; found-an additional weight and burden on my spirits, upon hearing some things disagreeable. 1 endeavoured to go to God with my distresses, and made some kind of lamentable complaint. Jn a broken manner I spread my difficulties before him; but my mind still continued very gloomy. About ten o’clock, [ called my people together; and after having explained and sung a psalm, I prayed with them. .There was a considerable degree of affection among them; I doubt not, in some instances, that which was more than merely natural.
[This was the last interview that he ever had with his people. About eleven o’clock the same day he left them, and the next day came to Elisabeth-Town. His melancholy still remained, and he continued fora considerable time under great dejection.]
Saturday, March ¢8. Was taken this morning with constant violent pains, so that it seemed impossible for me, without a miracle, te live twenty-four hours in such distress. [ was confined to my bed the whole day, and in distressing
pain all the former part of it; but it pleased God to bless
means for my relief. Was exceedingly weakened by this pain, and continued so for several days, attended with a cough and fever. In this distressed case death appeared