His Beginning to Instruct the Indians, to the Time of His Ordination (part 1 of 3)
From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at Kaunaumeek, to his Ordination.
FRipay, April 1, 1748. 1 rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live, with whom I am concerned, and there lodged ona little heap of straw: was greatly exercised with inward trials and distresses all day; and in the evening, my heart was sunk, and I seemed to have no God to go to. Oh that God would help me!
[The next five days, he was for the most part in a dejected depressed state of mind, and sometimes extremely so. He speaks of Giod’s “ waves and billows rolling over his soul ;” and of his being ready sometimes to say, “ Surely his mercy is clean gone for ever, and he will be favourable no more ;” and says, the anguish he endured was nameless and inconceivable. But at the same time speaks thus concerning his distresses: “ What God designs by all my distresses [ know not; but this I know, I deserve them all, and thousands more.” He gives an account of the Indians kindly receiving him, _ and being seriously attentive to his instructions. ]
Thursday, Apr.7. Appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, helpless and unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me, I should never do any service, or have any ‘success among the Indians. My soul was weary of my life: I longed for death beyond measure. When I thought ef any godly soul departed, I was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, “Oh, when will my turn come; must -it be years first!” But I know, those ardent desires, at this and other times, rose partly for want of resignation to God under all miseries; and so were but expressions of impatience. Towards night, I had I think the exercise of faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. Oh that God would keep me near him.
Friday, Apr. 8.. Was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my pride, selfishness, bitterness, and party spirit, in times past, while I attempted to promote the cause of God: its vile nature and dreadful consequences appeared in such odious colours to mé, that my very heart was pained. I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting destruction, so that I was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul: “ Oh Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness.” I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was full of inward amguish and shame before God, that I had4pent so' much time in conversation tending only to promote a party-spirit. I saw 1 had not suitably prized mortification, welf-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness, love, candour, and holiness of heart and life: and this day was almost wholly spent in such bitter and soul-afflicting reflections on my past frames and conduct. Of late, I have thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world; but now I saw I had enough to do within myself. The Lord be merciful to me a sinner, and wash.my soul,
Saturday, Apr.9. Remained much in the same state as yesterday, excepting that the sense of my vileness was not so quick and acute.
Lord’s day, Apr. 10. Rose early in the morning and walked out; spent considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation. Preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three in particular appeared under some religious concern,. with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, “ her heart had cried ever since she heard me ‘preach first.”
Tuesday, Apr. 1%. Was greatly oppressed with grief and shame, reflecting on my past conduct, my bitterness. and party-zeal. I was ashamed to think that.such a wretch as I had ever preached. Longed:to be excused from that work. And when my soul was not in anguish and keen distress, I
rF2 _was senseless “ as a beast before God,” and felt a kind of guilty amusement with the least trifles. This filled me with a kind of stifled horror, su that 1 could not rest, any more than a condemned mualefactor.
, Wednesday, Apr. 18. My heart was overwhelmed within me: I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, guilty, ignorant, benighted creature living. And yet I ‘knew at the same time what God had done for my soul, though sometimes I was assaulted with doubts and fears, whether it was possible for such a wretch as I to bein a state of grace.
Thursday, Apr. 14. Remained much in the same state as yesterday.
Friday, Apr. 15. In the forenoon, very disconsolate. In
‘the afternoon, preached to my people, and was a little encouraged to hope that God might bestow mercy on their souls. Felt something resigned to God under all dispensations of his providence.
Saturday, Apr. 16. Still in the depths of distress. In the afternoon, preached to my people, but was more discouraged with them than before; feared that nothing would ever be done for them to any good effect. I retired and poured out my soul to God for mercy; but without any sensible relief. Soon after came an Irishman and a Dutchman with a design, as they said, to hear me preach the next day; but none can tell how I felt, to hear their profane talk. I longed that some dear Christian knew my distress. I got into a kind of hovel, and there groaned out my complaint to God. I felt some gratitude and thankfulness, that he had made me to differ from these men, as I knew through grace he had.
Lord’s day, Apr. 17. In the morning was again distressed as soon as I waked, hearing much talk about the world and the things of it. Though I perceived the men were in some measure afraid of me, and I discoursed about ‘sanctifying the Sabbath, if possible, to solemnize their minds: yet when they were-at a little distance, they again talked freely about secular affairs. Ob, 1 thought, what a hell it would be to live with such men to eternity! The Lord gave me some assistance in preaching, all day, and some resignation, and.a small degree of comfort in prayer at night.
Tuesday, Apr. 19.. In the morning, enjoyed some sweet repose and. rest i God; felt some strength and confidence in God; and my soul was in measure refreshed and. comforted. Spent most of the day in writing, and had some exercise of grace: my soul seemed lifted above the deep waters, wherein it has been so long almost drowned. Felt some spiritual longings and breathings after God; found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own soul, more than in others, more than in the Heathen world.
Wednesday, Ap:. 20. Set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God for the bestowment of divine grace; especially that all my spiritual afflictions and inward distresses might be sanctified. Endeavoured also to. remember the goodness of God to me in the year past, this day being my birth-day. Having obtained help of God, I have hitherto lived, and am now arrived at the age of twentyfive years. My soul was pained to think, of my barrenness and deadness; that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. Oh that he would enable me to live to his glory for the future..
Thursday, Apr.21. Spent the forenoon in reading and prayer, and found myself something engaged; but still much’ depressed in spirit under a sense of my vileness and unfitness for any public service. Inthe afternoon I visited my people, and prayed and conversed with some about their souls: [ afterwards found some ardour in secret prayer. Oh that I might grow up into the likeness of God.
Friday, Apr. 22. Spent the day in study, reading and prayer; and felt a little relieved of my burden that has been so heavy of late. But stiilin some measure oppressed; had - a sense of barrenness; my leanness testifies against me. My very soul abhors itself for its unlikeness to God, its inactivity. and sluggishness. When I have done all, alas, what an unprofitable servant am I! My soul groans to see the hours of the day roll away, because I do not fill them with spirituality and heavenly-mindedness. Yet 1 long they should speed their pace, to hasten me to my eternal home, where I may, fill up all my moments, through eternity, for God and his
glory.
[On Saturday and Lord’s day, his melancholy again prevailled; he complains of his ignorance, stupidity and senselessness; while yet he seems to have spent his time with the
F 3 70. THE LIFE OF [PART Vv.
utmost diligence, in study, in prayer, and in instructing and counselling the Indians. On Monday, he sunk into the deepest melancholy; so that he supposed he never spent a day in such distress in his life; not in fears of hell, (which, he says, he had no pressing fear of,) but a distressing sense of his own vileness, &c. On Tuesday, he expresses some relief. Wednesday he kept as a day of fasting and prayer, but in great distress. The three days next following, his melancholy continued, but in a less degree, and with intervals of comfort.*]
Lord’s day, May 1. Was at Stockbridge to day. In the forenoon had some relief and assistance, though not so much as usual. In the afternoon, felt poorly in body and soul; while preaching, I seemed to be rehearsing idle tales, without the least life, fervour, sense, or comfort: and especially afterwards, at the sacrament, my soul was filled with confusion, and the utmost anguish that ever I endured, under the feeling of my inexpressible vileness and meanness. It was a most bitter and distressing season to me, from the view I had of my own heart, and the secret abominations that lurk there. I thought the eyes of all in the house were upon me, and 1 dared not look any one in the face; for it verily seemed as if they saw the vileness of my heart, and all the sins I had ever been guilty of. And if 1 had been banished from the presence of all mankind, never to be seen any more, or so much as thought of, still 1 should have been distressed with shame; and should have been ashamed to see the most barbarous people on earth, because I was viler, and seemingly more brutishly ignorant than they. “Iam made to “¢ possess the sins of my youth.”
Tuesday, May 10. Was in the same state of mind, that I have been in for some time, extremely pressed with a sense of guilt, pollution, blindness: “The iniquity of my heels have compassed me about; the sins of my youth have been set in order before me; they have gome over my head as a heavy burden, too heavy forme to‘bear.” Almost all the ace tions of my past life seem to be covered over with sin and guilt; and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner, now fill me with shame and confusion, so
® On the last of these day he wrote the first letter added at the end of this history. that I cannot hald up my face. Oh the pride, selfishness, hypocrisy, ignorance, bitterness, party zeal, and the want of love, candour, meekness and gentleness, that have attended my attempts to promote religion and virtue; and this when I have reason to hope I had real assistance from above, and some sweet intercourse with Heaven. But, alas, what cor- Tupt mixtures attended my best duties!
[The next seven days, his gloom and distress continued, for the most part: but he had some seasons of relief and spiritual comfort. He gives an account of his spending part of this time in hard labour, to build himself a little cottage to live in amongst the Indians, in which he might be by himself; having it seems hitherto lived with a poor Scotchman, as he observes in the letter just now referred toin the margin; and afterwards, before his own house was habitable, he lived in ’ awigwam among the Indians.]
Wednesday, May 18. My circumstances are such that I have no comfort of any kind, but what J have in God. 1 live in the most lonesome wilderness; have but one single person to converse with, that can speak English.* Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland-Scotch or Indian. I have no fellow Christian to whom | might unbosom myself, and lay open my spiritual sorrows; or with whom | might take sweet counsel in conversation about heavenly things, and join in social prayer. I live poorly. with regard to the comforts of life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, hasty-pudding, &c. I lodge on a bundle of straw, and my labour is hard and extremely difficult; and | have little appearance of success, to'comfort me. The In«lians’ affairs are very difficult; having no land to live on but what the Dutch people lay claim to, and threaten to drive them off from; they have no regard to the souls of the poor Indians; and, by what I can learn, they hate me, because I come to preach to them. But that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne, is, that God hides his face from me.
* This person was Mr. Brainerd’s interpreter; who was an ingeniews young Tndiaa belonging to Stockbridge, whose name was John Wauwaumpequennannt, who had been instructed in the Christian religion by Mr. Sergeant; and had lived with the Rev. Mr. Williams of Leng-Meadow, and had been further instructed by him, at the charge of Mr. Hollis of London; and understood both
English aud Indian very well, and wrote a good hand, F..4 72 THE LIFE OF (PaRT v,
Thursday, May 19. Spent most of this day in close studies: but was sometimes so distressed that I could think of nothing but my spiritual blindness, ignorance, pride, and misery. Ob, I have reason to make that prayer, “ Lord, forgive my sins —of youth, and former trespasses !”
Friday, May 20. Was much perplexed, some part of the day; but towards night, had some comfortable meditations on Is. xl. 1, and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterwards my soul rose so far above the deep waters, that I dared to rejoice inGod: I saw there was sufficient matter of consolation in the blessed God.
[Monday, May SO, he set out on a journey to New-Jersey, to consult the commissioners that employed him about the affairs of his mission ;* performed his journey thither in four days, and arrived at Mr. Burr’s in Newark on Thursday. In great part of his journey he was in the depths of melancholy, under like distresses with those already mentioned. On Friday, he rode to Elisabeth-Town; and on Saturday to New-York; and from thence on his way homewards as far as White-Plains, where he spent the sabbath, and had considerable degrees of divine consolation and assistance in public services. On Monday, he rode about sixty miles to New- Haven. There he attempted a reconciliation with the authority of the college, and spent this week in visiting his friends in those parts. In his journey homewards, till Saturday, he enjoyed a comfortable frame of mind. On Saturday, in his way from Stockbridge to Kaunaumeek, he was lost in the woods, and lay all night in the open air: but happily found his way in the morning, and came to his Indians on Lord’s day, June 12, and had greater assistance in preaching among them than ever before.
From this time forward he was the subject of various frames and exercises of mind: but it seems, in the general, to have been with him much after the same manner as it had been hitherto from his first coming to Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, a little hut which he made chiefly with his own hands, and which cost him near seven weeks |
® His business with the commissioners now was, to obtain orders from them toset up a school among the Indians at Kaunaumeek, afd that his interpreter might be appointed the schoolmaster; which was accordingly done. hard labour. Great part of this time he was dejected and depressed with melancholy, and sometimes extremely so. How it was with him in those dark seasons, he himself further describes in his diary.]
July 2. My soul is, and has for a long time been in a piteous condition, wading through a series of sorrows of various kinds. I have been so crushed down sometimes with a sense of my meanness and infinite unworthiness, that I have been ashamed that any,”even the meanest of my fellow-creatures, should so much as spend a thought about me, and have wished while travelling among the thick brakes, like one of them to drop into everlasting oblivion. In this case, sometimes, [ have almost resolved never again to see any of -my acquaintance; and really thought I could not do it and hold up my face; and have longed for the remotest region, for a retreat from all -my friends, that 1 might not be seen or heard of any more. Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance has been a means of my great distress and anxiety; and especi-
‘ally my soul has been in anguish with fear, shame and guilt,
that ever I had preached, or had any thought that way. Sometimes my soul has been in distress on feeling some particular corruptions rise and swell like a mighty torrent, with - present violence; having at the same time ten thousand former sins and follies presented to view, in all their blackness and aggravations. And these attended with such external circumstances as mine at present are; destitute of most of the conveniencies of life, and 1 may say, of all the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may may unbarden my soul before God, have greatly contributed to my distress. Of late more especially my great difficulty has been a sort of carelessness, a kind of regardless temper of mind, whence | have been disposed to indolence and trifling: and this temper has constantly been attended with guilt and shame; so that sometimes I have been in a kind of horror, to find myself so unlike the blessed God, and have thought! grew worse under all my trials; and nothing ‘has cut and wounded my soul more than this. Oh, if lam one of God’s chosen, as I trust through infinite grace I.am, I find of a truth, that the righteous are scarcely saved.
[lt is apparent that one main occasion of that distressing
74 THE LIFE OF, [PART V.
gloominess of mind with which he was so much exercised at Kaunaumeek, was reflection on his past errors and misguided zeal at college, in the beginning of the late religious commotions in the land. Hence he repeated his endeavours this year for reconciliation with the governors of the college, whom he had at that time offended. Although be had been at New-Haven, in June this year, and had attempted a reconciliation, as has been mentioned already; yet in the beginning of July, he made another journey thither, and renewed hia attempt, but still in vain. ]
July 25. Had little or no resolution for a life of holiness; was ready almost to renounce my hopes of living to God. And oh how dark it looked, to think of being unholy for ever! This I could not endure. The’ cry of my soul was that Psal. Ixv. 3. Iniquities prevail against me. But was in some measure relieved by a comfortable meditation on God’s eternity, that he never had a beginning, ec. Whence I was led to admire his greatness and power in such a manner, that I stood still and praised the Lord for his own glories and perfections; though I was (and if I should for ever be) an unholy creature, my soul was comforted to apprehend an eternal, infinite, powerful and holy Gad.
- Saturday, July 30. Just at night, moved into my owg; house, and lodged there that night; found it much better spending the time alone in my own house, than in the wigwam where I was before.
Lord’s day, July 31. Felt more comfortably than some days past. Blessed be the Lord who has now given me a place of retirement: oh that I might find God in it, and that he would dwell with me fer ever!
- Monday, August 1. Was still busy in further labours on my house.—Felt a little of the sweetness of religion, and thought it was worth the while to follow after God through a thousand snares, desarts, and death itself. Oh that I might always follow after holiness, that 1 may be fully conformed to God! Had some delight in secret prayer, though 1 had much sorrow.
Tuesday, Aug. 2. Was still labouring to-make myself more comfortable with regard to my house and lodging. Laboured under spiritual anxiety; it seemed to me that I deserved to be turned out of the world; yet found some comfort in committing my cause to God. “ It is good for me to be afflicted,” that I may die wholly to this world, and all that is in it..
Wednesday, Aug. S. Spent most of the day in writing. Enjoyed some sense of religion. Through divine goodness I am now uninterruptedly alone, and find my retirement is comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a few days last past, than for some time before. I longed after holiness, humility, and meekness. Oh that God would enable me to “ pass the time of my sojourning here in fear,” and always live to him!
Thursday, Aug. 4. Was enabled to pray much during the whole day; and through divine goodness found some intenseness of soul in the duty, as I used to do, and some ability to persevere in my supplications. Had some apprehensions of divine things that were engaging, and that gaye me-some courage and resolution. It is good, | find, to persevere in attempts to pray, if I cannot pray with perseverance, i.e. continue long in my addresses to the divine Being. I have generally found that the more I do in secret prayer, the more I have delighted to do, and have enjoyed more of 9 spirit of prayer: and frequently have found the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise, I have been much deprived of retirement. A seasonable steady performance of secret duties in their proper hours, and a careful improve- ‘ment of all time, filling up every hour with some profitable _ labour, either of ‘heart, head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before God. “ Christ” indeed “ is our peace, and by him we have boldness of access to God ;” but a good conscience, void of offence, is an excellent preparation for an approach into the divine presence. There is difference between self-confidence and a self-righteous pleasing of ourselves with our own duties, attainments and spiritual enjoyments, which godly souls sometimes are guilty of,—and that holy confidence arising from the testimony of ‘a good conscience, which good Hezekiah had, when he says, “ Remember, ch Lord, I beseech thee, how I have walked before thee in truth, and with a perfect heart.” “ Then,” says the holy psalmist, “ shall I not be ashamed, when [ have respect to all thy commandments.” Filling up our time with aud for God, is _ way to rise up and lie down in peace.
[The next eight days, he continued for the most part in a very comfortable frame, having his mind fixed and powerfully engaged in religion. He more than once blesses God that he had given him a little cottage, where he might live alone, and enjoy a happy retirement, free from noise and disturbance, and could at any hour of the day lay aside alk studies, and spend time in lifting up his soul to God for spiritual blessings.]
Saturday, Aug. 13. Was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season to my soul: I found the comfort of being a Christian. “ I counted the sufferings of the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory” of divine enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed kindly to disappear, and I remembered no more the sorrow for joy. Oh how kindly, and with what a filial tenderness, the soul hangs on, and confides in the Rock of ages at such a season, that he will “ never leave nor forsake,” but will cause “ all things to work together for good!” I longed that others should know how good the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies: I wanted they should share in the same mercy. 1 loved and longed that God should do just as he pleased with me and every thing else. I felt exceeding serious, calm and peaceful, and encouraged to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and trials may be in my way. May the Lord always help me so todo. Amen, and Amen.
Lord’s day, Aug. 14. I had much more freedom in public than in private. God enabled me to speak with some feeling of divine things; but I perceived no considerable effect.
Monday, Aug. 15. Spent most of the day in labour, to procure something to keep my horse on in the winter.—Enjoyed not much sweetness in the morning; was very weak in body through the day, and thought this frail tabernacle would soon drop into the dust; had some realizing apprehensions of a speedy entrance into another world. In this weak state of body I was not a little distressed for want of suitable food: had no bread, nor could I get any. I am forced to go or send ten or fiteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity. Then again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity to send for it, and cannot find my horse in the woods to go myself. This was my case now: but through divine goodness I had some Indian meal, of which I made little cakes, and fried them. Yet I felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer | enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for my present circumstances, as if I had been a king; and thought I found a disposition to be contented in any circumstances. Blessed be the Lord.
{The rest of this week, he was exceeding weak in body, and much exercised with pain; and yet obliged from day to day to labour hard, to procure fodder for his horse; excepting some part of the time he was so very ill, that he was neither able to work nor study. But he still speaks of longings after holiness and perfect conformity to God; complains of enjoying but little of God: yet says, that little was better to him than all the world besides. In this diary for Saturday, he says, he was something melancholy and sorrowful in mind; and adds, “ I never feel comfortably, but when I find my soul going forth after God: if I cannot be holy, 1 must. necessarily be miserable for ever.”]
Lord’s day, Aug.21. Was much straitened in the forenoon-exercise: my thoughts seemed to be all scattered to the ends of the earth. At noon I fell down before the Lord, and groaned under my vileness, barrenness, deadness, and felt as if I was guilty of soul-murder, in speaking to immore tal souls in such a manner as I had then done. In the afternoon, God was pleased to give me some assistance, and I was enabled to set before my hearers the nature and necessity of true repentance, &c. Afterwards had some small degree of thankfulness. Was very ill and full of pain in the evening; and my soul mourned that I had spent so much time to so little profit.
Monday, Aug. 22. Spent most of the day in study; and found my bodily strength in a measure restored. Had some intense and passionate breathings after holiness, and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to procure, or work
" itin myself; it is wholly owing to the power of God. Oh with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness fills the soul! [ wanted to fly out of myself to God, or rather to get a conformity to him: but alas, I cannot add to my stature in grace one cubit. However, my soul ean never leave striving for it; or at least groaning, that it cannot. strive for it, and obtain more pority of heart. At ‘night, 1 spent some time in instructing miy poor people: oh that God would pity their state.
Tuesday, Aug. 23. Studied in the forenoon, and enjoyed some freedom. In the afternoon, laboured abroad: endeavoured to pray much; bat did not fitid much intenseness of mind. Towards night, was very weary, and tired of this world of sorrow: the thoughts of death and immortality appeared very desirable, and even refreshed my soul. Those lines turned in my mind with pleasure,’
Come, death, shake hands; Tl kiss thy bands;
Tis happiness for me to die; What, dost thou think, That I wilt shrink?
Till go to immortality.
In evening-prayer, God was pleased to draw near my soul, though very sinful and unworthy. I was enabled to wrestle with God, and to persevere in my requests for grace: I poured out my soul for all the world, friends, and enemies. I was concerned, not so much for souls as such, but rather for Christ’s kingdom, that it might appear in the world; that God might be known to be God in the whole earth. And oh, my soul abhorred the very thought of a party in religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is; and God have the glory for ever. Amen. This was indeed a comfortable season: thought I had some small taste of, and real relish for the enjoyments and employments of the upper world. Oh that my soul was more attempered to it!
- Wednesday, Aug. 24. Spent some time, in the morning, in study and prayer. Afterwards, was engaged in some necessary business abroad. Towards night, found a little time for some particular studies. I thought, if God should say, ‘ Cease making any provision for this life, for you shall in a few. days go out of time into eternity,’ my soul would leap for joy. Oh that I may both “ desire to be dissolved, to be with Christ,” and likewise “ wait patiently all the days of my appointed time till my change come!” But alas, I am very unfit for the business and blessedness of heaven: Oh for more holiness!
Thursday, Aug. 25. Part of the day engaged in studies, and part in labour abroad. I find it is impossible to enjoy peace and tranquillity of mind without a careful improvement of time. This is really an imitation of God-and Christ Jesus: “ My Father worketh hitherto, and I work,” says our Lord. But still, if we would be like God, we must see that we fill up our time for him. I daily long to dwell in perfect light and love. In the mean time, my soul mourns that I make so little’ progress in grace, and preparation. for the world of blessedness: I see and know that I am a very barren tree in God’s vineyard, and that he might justly say, “ Cut it down.” Oh that God would make me more lively and vigorous in grace, for his own glory! Amen.
Lerd’s day, Aug. 28. Was much perplexed with some irreligious Dutchmen. All their discourse turned upon the things of the world, which occasioned me no little uneasiness: what a misery it would be to spend an eternity with such men! Well might. David say, “I beheld the transgtessors, and was grieved.”—But adored be God, heaven is a place into which no unclean thing enters. Oh, I long for the holiness of that world: Lord, prepare me for it.
{The next day, he set out on a journey to New-York. Was rather dejected the two first days of his journey; but seems to have enjoyed some degrees of the sensible presence of God.]
Wednesday, Aug. 31. Rode down to Bethlehem: was in a serious and heavenly frame, [ hope, when I came there, Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts, and I longed to be in the world of spirits. How happy is it to have all our thoughts swallowed up in that world; to feel one’s self a serious considerate stranger in this world, diligently seeking a road through it, the best, the sure road to the heavenly Jerusalem!
Thursday, September 1. Rode to Danbury. Was more dall and dejected in spirit than yesterday. Indeed I always feel comfortably when death and the things of another world are present to my view: whenever my mind is taken off from. the things of this world, and set on God, my soul is then at rest, 80 THE LIFE OF {PART Vv.
(He went forward on his journey, and came to New-York on the next Monday. After tarrying there two or three days, he set out from the city towards New-Haven, intending
-to be there at the commencement; and on Friday came to Horse-Neck. In the mean time, he complains much of dulness, and want of fervour in religion: but yet from time to time, speaks of his enjoying spiritual warmth and pleasure in conversation with Christian friends, assistance in public services, &c.]
Saturday, Sep. 10. Rode six miles to Stanwich, and preached to a considerable assembly of people. Had some assistance and freedom, especially towards the close. Endeavoured much afterwards, in private conversation, to establish holiness, humility, meekness, &c. as the essence of true re- Jigion; and to moderate some noisy sort of persons, who appeared to be influenced by unseen spiritual pride. Alas, what extremes men incline to run into !—Returned to Horse- Neck, and felt some seriousness and sweet solemnity i in the evening.
Lord’s day, Sep. 11. In the afternoon, preached from Tit. iii. 8. 1 think, God never helped me more in painting out true religion, and in detecting clearly, and tenderly discountenancing false appearances of religion, party-zeal and Spiritual pride; as well as a confident dogmatical spirit, and its spring, viz. ignorance of the heart.——In the evening, took much pains in private conversation to suppress some confusions, which I perceived were amongst that people.
Monday, Sep. 12. Rode to Mr. Mills’s at Ripton. Had some perplexing hours; but was some part of the day very comfortable. It is through great trials, I see, that we must enter the gates of paradise. If my soul could but be holy, that God might not be dishonoured, methinks T could bear sorrows.
Tuesday, Sep. 13. Rode to New-Haven. Was sometimes dejected; not in the best frame. I find, though my inward trials are great, and a life of solitude gives them greater advantage to settle, and penetrate to the inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be alone, than incumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult to maintain any sense of divine things, while removing from place to place, diverted with new objects and filled with care. A settled steady business is best adapted to a life of strict religion.
Wednesday, Sep. 14. This day I ought to have taken my degree ;* but God sees fit to deny it me. And though I was greatly afraid of being overwhelmed with perplexity and confusion, when I should see my class-mates take theirs; yet in the very season of it, God enabled me with calmness and resignation to say, “ The will of the Lord be done.” Indeed, through divine goodness, I have scarcely felt my mind so calm, sedate and comfortable for some time. I have long feared this season, and expected my humility, meekness, patience and resignation would be much tried :+ but found much more pleasure and divine comfort than I expected.—Felt spiritually serious, tender and affectionate in private prayer with a dear Christian friend to-day.
Thursday, Sep. 15. Had some satisfaction in hearing the ministers; it is always a comfort to me to hear religious and spiritual discourse. Oh that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted to God !—Towards night, with the adwee of Christian friends, I offered the following reflections in writing, to the rector and trustees of the college, (which are for substance the same that I had freely offered to the tector before, and intreated him to accept;) and this I did, that if possible 1 might cut off all occasion of stumbling and offence, from those that seek occasion. What I offered, is as follows—
“ Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr. Whittelsey, one of the tutors of Yale-college, that I did not believe he had any more grace than the chair 1 then leaned upon; I. humbly confess that herein I -have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. { had no right to make thus free with his character, and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that 1 said this concerning one that was so much my superior, and one that I was obliged to treat with special respect and honour, because of the relation I stood in to him
in the college. Such a manner of behaviour, I confess, did
* This being commencement-day.
t His trial was the greater, in that, had it not been for the displeasure of the ° tevemers of the college, he would not only on that day. have shared with his chs-mates in the public honours which they then received, but would on that *eeasion have appeared at the head of that class; which, if he had heen with them, would have been the most numerous of any that ever had been graduated at that college.,
G not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon me, and did not savour of that humble respect that I ought to have expressed towards Mr. Whittelsey. I have long since been convinced of the fafseness of those apprehensions by which I then justified such a conduct. I have often reflected on this act with grief; I hope, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased before God and man for it. And humbly ask the forgiveness.of the governors of the college, and of the whole society; but of Mr. Whittelsey in particular. And whereas [ have been accused by one person of saying concerning the reverend rector of Yale-college, that | wondered he did not expect to drop down dead for fining the scholars that followed Mr. Tennent to Milford; I seriously profess, that 1 do not remember my saying any thing to this purpose. But if [ did, which I am not certain I did not, 1 utterly condemn it, and detest all such kind of behaviour; and especially in an undergraduate towards the rector. And I now appear, to judge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting in New- Haven, a little before [ was expelled, though the rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector’s forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, or to admit me to the privileges I desire; yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble myself for those things I have herein confessed.” God has made me willing to do any thing that I can do consistent with truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a stumbling-block and offence to others. For this reason I can cheerfully forego and give up what I verily believe, after the most mature and impartial search, is my right, in some instances. God has given me that disposition, that if this were the case, that a man has done me a hundred injuries, and I, though ever so much provoked to it, have done him one, I feel disposed and heartily willing humbly to confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him; though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries he has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken my character the more, and represent me as the only person guilty; yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, “ he knew all this before, and that I was making work for repentance.” Though what I said concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to a friend or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector, and by him extorted from my friends, yet, seeing it was divulged and made public, I was willing to confess my fault publicly.—But I trust, God will plead my cause.*
(The next day he went to Derby; then to Southbury, where he spent the Sabbath: and speaks of some spiritual comfort; but complains much of unfixedness, and wanderings of mind in religion.)
Monday, Sep. 19. In the afternoon, rode to Bethlehem, and preached there. Had some measure of assistance, both in prayer and preaching. 1 felt serious, kind and tender towards all mankind, and longed that holiness might flourish more on earth.
Tuesday, Sep. 20. Had thoughts of going forward on my journey to my Indians; but towards night was taken with pain in my teeth, and shivering cold, and could not possibly recover a comfortable degree of warmth the whole night following. I continued very full of pain all night; and in the morning had a very high fever, and pains almost all over me. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the place of my sickness, viz. among my friends that were very kind to me. I should probably have perished,
* I was witness to the very Christian spirit Mr. Brainerd shewed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and being one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion. (This was the first time that ever I had opportunity of personal acquaintance with him.) There truly appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility; without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill treatment he supposed he had suffered, or the least backwardness to abase himself before them who be thought had wronged him. What he did was without any objection or appearance of reluctance, even to his friends in private. Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he might have his degree then given him; and particularly by the Reverend Mr. Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used, but without success. Indeed the governors of the college were so far satisfied with the reflections Mr. Brainerd had made on himself, that they appeared willing to admit him again into college; but Rot to give him his degree, till he should have remained there, at least ¢ twelvemonth, which being contrary to what the correspondents, to whom he was now engaged, bad declared to be their mind, he did not consent toit. He desired his degree, as he thought it would tend to his being more extensively useful; but still when he was denied it, he manifested no disappointment or resentment.
G 2 Ss if { had first got home to my own house in the wilderness, where [ have none to converse with but the poor rude ignorant Indians. Here I saw was mercy in the midst of affliction. I continued thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday night, very full of pain; but through divine goodness not afraid of death. Then the extreme folly of those appeared to me, who put off their turning to God till a sick-bed. Surely this is not a time proper to prepare for eternity. On Friday evening my pains went off rather suddenly; 1 was exceeding weak, and almost fainted; but was very comfortable the night following. These words, Psal. cxviii. 17, I frequently revolved in my mind; and thought we were to prize the continuation of life only on this account,—that we may “ shew forth God’s goodness and works of grace.”
[From this time, he gradually recovered; and on the next Tuesday was so well as to be able to go forward on his journey homewards; but was till the Tuesday following before he reached Kaunaumeek.. Great part of this time he seems to have had a very deep sense of the vanity and emptiness of all things here below, and of the reality, nearness, and vast importance of eternal things J
Tuesday, Oct. 4. This day rode home to my own house. and people. The poor Indians appeared very glad of my return. Found my house and all things in safety. I presently fell on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return, after a long and tedious journey, and a season of sickness in several places where I had been, and after I had been sick myself. God has renewed his kindness to me, in preserving me one journey more. I have taken many considerable journeys since this time last year, and yet God has never suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any distressing calamity to befal me, excepting the illness I had in my last journey; though I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness, where the comforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been lost in the woods, and sometimes obliged to ride much of the night; and once lay ‘out in the woods all night. Blessed be God that has preserved me!;