From the Time of His Appointment, to His Entering on the Work of the Mission
From the time of his examination by the Correspondents of the society for propagating Christian knowledge, and being appointed their Missionary, to his first entrance on the business
. of his mission among the Indians at Kaunaumeek. A.D. 1742.
FRIDAY, November 26. Had still a sense of my great unworthiness, and endeavoured as much as I could to keep alone. Oh, what a nothing, what dust and ashes am I !—Enjoyed some peace and comfort in spreading my complaints before the God of all grace.
Saturday, November 27. Committed my soul to God with some degree of comfort; left New-York about nine in the morning; came away with a distressing sense still of my unspeakable depravity. Surely I may well love all my brethren; for none of them all is so vile as 1; whatever they do outwardly, yet it seems to me none is conscious of so much guilt before God. Oh my leanness, my barrenness, my carnality, and past bitterness, and want of a gospel-temper! These things oppress my soul——Rode from New-York, thirty miles, to White Plains, and most of the way continued lifting up my heart to God for mercy and purifying grace; and spent the evening much dejected in spirit.
[The three next days he continued in this frame, entertaining a great sense of his own vileness, attended with an evident mixture of melancholy, in no small degree; but had some intervals of comfort, and God’s sensible presence with him.]
Wednesday, December 1. My soul breathed after God, in spiritual and longing desires of conformity to him; was brought to rest itself and all on his rich grace, and felt strength and encouragement to do or suffer any thing that divine providence should allot me.——-Rode about twenty _ miles from Stratfield to Newton.
[Within the space of the next nine days, he went a journey from Newton to Haddam,’ his native town; and after staying there some days, returned again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury. In his account of the frames and exercises of his mind, during this space of time, are such things as these; frequent turns of dejection, a sense of his vileness, emptiness, and an unfathomable abyss of desperate wickedness in his heart, attended with a conviction that he had never seen but little of it; bitterly mourning over his barrenness, being greatly grieved that he could not live to God, to whom he owed his all ten thousand times, crying out, “‘ My leanness, my leanness!” a sense of the meetness and suitableness of his lying in the dust beneath God's feet; fervency and ardour in prayer; longing to live to God; a being afflicted with some impertinent trifling conversation that he heard; but enjoying much in Christian conversation. ]
Saturday, December 11. Conversed with a dear friend, - to whom I had thought of giving a liberal education, and being at the whole charge of it, that he might be fitted for the gospel-ministry.* [ acquainted him with my thoughts - in that matter, and so left him to consider of it, till I should see him again. Then I rode to Bethlehem, and so came to Mr. Bellamy’s lodgings; spent the evening with him in sweet conversation and prayer: we recommended the important concern before mentioned (of sending my friend to college) unto the God of all grace. Blessed be the Lord for this evening’s opportunity together.
Lord’s day, December 12. In the morning, | felt as if I had little or no power either to pray or preach, and had a. « distressing need of divine help. I went to meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer and sermon: I
* Mr. Brainerd having now undertaken the business of a Missionary to the Indians, and expecting in a little time to leave his native country, to go among the savages, into the wilderness, far distant, and spend the remainders of his life among them, and having some estate left him by his father, and thinking he should have no occasion for it among them, (though afterwards as he told me, be found himself mistaken,) he set himself to think which way he might spend it most to the glory of God; and no way presenting to his thoughts, wherein he could do more good with it, than by being at the charge of educating some Yeung person for the ministry, who appeared to be of good abilities and well disposed, he pitched upon this person here spoken of, to this end: who accord ingly was soon put to learning; and Mr. Brainerd continued to be at the charge of his education from year to year, so long as he (Mr. Brainerd) lived, which was till this young man was carried through his third year in
E4 56 | THE LIFE OF [PART Iv.
think, my soul scarcely ever penetrated so far into the immaterial world, in any one prayer that ever I made, nor were my devotions ever so much refined, and free from gross conceptions and imaginations, framed from beholding material objects. I preached with some pleasure, from Matt. vi. 33, “ But seek ye first the kingdom of God,” &c.; andin the afternoon from Rom. xv. 30. “And now I beseech you, brethren,” &c. There was much affection in the assembly. This has been a good sabbath to me; and blessed be God I have reason to think that my religion is become more refined and spiritual, by means of my late inward conflicts. Amen, May I always be willing that God should use his own me~ thods with me.
Monday, December 13. Joined in prayer with Mr. Bella my; felt composed in parting with him. Enjoyed peace throughout the day; and just at night rode down ta Woodbury.
Tuesday, December 14. Some perplexity hung on my mind: was distressed last night and this morning for the interest of Zion, especially on account of the false appearances of religion, which breed confusion in some places. I cried to: God for help, to enable me to bear testimony against those things, which jnstead of promoting, do but hinder the progress of vital piety. In the afternoon, rode down to Southbury, and conversed again with my friend on the importance of his following the work of the ministry; and he appeared much inclined to devote himself to it, if God should succeed his attempts to qualify himself for so great a work. In the evening || preached from 1 Thess. iv. 8 5 and endeavoured, though with tenderness, to undermine false religion, The Lord gave me some assistance; but I seemed to myself so vile, that I was ashamed to be seen when | came out of the meeting-house.
Wednesday, December 15. Enjoyed something of God today, both in secret and social prayer; but was sensib@of much barrenness and defect in duty, as well as my inability to help myself for the time to come, or to perform the work and business I have to do. Afterwards, felt much of the sweetness of religion, and the tenderness of the gospel-temper; was far from bitterness, and found a dear love to all mankind; and was afraid of scarcely any thing so much as lest some motion of anger or resentment should, some time or other, creep into my heart. Had some comforting soulrefreshing discourse with some dear friends, just as we took our leave of each other, and supposed it might be likely we should not meet again till we came to the eternal world.* Yet I doubt not, through grace, but that some of us shall have a happy meeting there, and bless God for this season, as well as many others. Amen.
Thursday, December 16. Rode down to Derby; had some pleasant meditation on the road. My thoughts were very clear, especially on the essence of our salvation by Christ, from those words; “ Thou shalt call his name Jesus,” Sc.
Friday, December 17. Spent much time in conversation on spiritual things with dear Mr. Humphreys Kode to Ripton; spent some time in prayer with Christian friends.
Saturday, December 18. Spent much time in prayer in the woods: seemed raised above the things of the world. My soul was strong in the Lord of hosts, but was sensible of great barrenness.
Lord’s day, December 19. At the sacrament of the Lord’s supper, seemed strong in the Lord; and the world, with all its frowns and flatteries, in a great measure disappeared, so that my soul had nothing to,do with them: and [ felt a disposition to be wholly and for ever the Lord’s.—In the evening, enjoyed something of the divine presence; had a humbling sense of my barrenness and sinfulness. Oh, it wounded me, to think of the misimprovement of time! “ God be merciful to me a sinner.”.
Monday, December 20. Spent this day in prayer, reading, and writing. Enjoyed some assistance, especially in correcting some thoughts on a certain subject; but had a mournful sense of my barrenness.
Tuesday, December 21. Had a sense of my insufficiency for any public work and business, as well as to live to God. I rode over to Derby, and preached there: it pleased God to afford me assistance and enlargement, and to enable me to speak with a soft and tender power and energy. We had
* It had been determined by the commissioners, who employed Mr. Brainerd as a missionary, that he should go as soon as convenient to the Indians living near the Forks of Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and the Indians ou Susquehannah river; which being far off, where he would be exposed to many hardships and dangers; this was the occasion of his taking leave of his friends in this manner, afterwards a comfortable evening in singing and prayer. God enabled me to pray with as much spirituality and sweetness as I have done for some time: my mind seemed to be unclothed of sense and imagination, and was in a measure let into the immaterial world of spirits. This day and evening was, I trust, through infinite goodness, made very profitable to a number of us, to advance our souls in holiness and conformity to God: the glory be to him forever. Amen.
Wednesday, December 22. Enjoyed some assistance in preaching at Ripton; but my soul mourned within me for my barrenness.
Thursday, December 23. Enjoyed, I trust, something of God this morning in secret. Oh how divinely sweet is it to come into the secret of his presence, and abide in his pavilion !—— Took an affectionate leave of friends, not expecting: to see them again for a very considerable time, if ever in this world. Rode with Mr. Humphreys to his house at Derby; spent the time in conversation; my soul was refreshed and melted with divine things. Oh that I was always consecrated to God! Near night, 1 rade to New- Haven, and there enjoyed prayer and conversation with some Christian friends: my mind was serious and composed; but alas, I too much lost the sense of divine things.
[He continued much in the same frame of mind. And in like exercises, the two following days.]
Lord’s day, December 26. Felt much tenderness in prayer; my whole soul seemed to love my worst enemies, and was enabled to pray for those that are strangers and enemies to God with a great degree of softness and pathetic fervour. In the evening, rode from New-Haven to Brandford, after I had kneeled down and prayed with a number of Christian friends in a very retired place in the woods, and so parted.
Monday, December 27. Enjoyed a precious season indeed; had a melting sense of divine things, of the pure spirituality of the religion of Christ Jesus. In the evening, I preached from Matt. vi. 53, with much freedom, power and pungency: the presence of God attended our meeting.. Oh the tenderness I felt in my soul! If ever I felt the temper of Christ, I had some sense of it now. Blessed be my God, I have seldom enjoyed a more comfortable and profitable day than this:.oh that I could spend all my time for God!
Tuesday, December 28. Rode from Brandford to Haddam. In the morning, indulged with clear and interesting views of divine things; but afterwards my spiritual life sensibly declined..
[The next twelve days, he was for the most part extremely dejected, discouraged, and distressed, and was evidently very much under the power of melancholy; and there are from day to day most bitter complaints of exceeding vileness, ignorance, corruption, an amazing load of guilt, unworthiness to move on God’s earth, everlasting uselessness, fitness for nothing, &c.; and sometimes expressions even of horror at the thoughts of ever preaching again. Still in this time of great dejection, he speaks of several intervals of divine support and comfort.]
Friday, Jan. 14. 1749-3. My spiritual conflicts to-day were unspeakably dreadful, heavies than the mountains and overflowing floods: 1 seemed inclosed, as it were, in hell itself. I was deprived of all sense of God, even of the being of aGod; and that was my misery. I had no awful apprehensions of God as angry. This was distress, the nearest a-kin to the misery of the lost, that I ever endured: their torment, I am sure, will consist much in a privation of God, and consequently of all good. ‘This taught me the absolute dependance of a creature upon God the Creator, for the least degree of happiness it enjoys. Oh I feel that if there is no God, though | might live for ever here, and enjoy not only this, but all other worlds, I should be ten thousand times more miserable than the meanest reptile. My soul was in such anguish I could not eat, but felt as I supposed a poor wretch would that is just going to the place of execution. I was almost swallowed up with anguish, when | saw people gathering together to hear me preach. However, I Went in that distress to the house of God, and found not much relief in the first prayer: it seemed as if God would let loose the people upon me to destroy me. The thoughts of death were not so distressing to me as my own vileness. But afterwards in my discourse from Deut. viii. 2, God was Pleased to give me some freedom and enlargement, some
60.. THE LIFE OF [PART IV.
power and spirituality; and I spent the evening rather comfortably.
Wednesday, Jan.19. At Canterbury. In the afternoon preached the lecture at the meeting-house, and felt some tenderness. Exhorted the people to love one another, and not to set up their own frames as a standard to try all their brethren by. I was much pressed, most of the day, with a sense of my own badness, inward impurity, and un speakable corruption. Spent the evening in loving Christian conversation.
Thursday, Jan.20. Rode to my brother’s house between Norwich and Lebanon, and preached in the evening to a number of people: enjoyed neither freedom nor spirituality, but saw myself exceeding unworthy.
Friday, Jan..21. Had great inward conflicts, and but little comfort. Went to see Mr. Williams of Lébanon, and spent several hours with him. I was greatly delighted with his serious, deliberate, and impartial way of discourse about religion.
Lord’s day, Jan. 23. Scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist, as now. I saw I was not worthy of a place among the Indians, where | am going, if God permit. Thought I should be ashamed to look them in the face, and much more to have any respect shewn me there. Indeed I felt myself banished from the earth, as if all places were too good for me. I thought I should be ashamed to go among the very savages of Africa; I appeared to myself a creature fit for nothing, neither heaven nor earth. None knows, but those that feel it, what the soul endures when shut out from the sensible presence of God: it is more bitter than death.
Wednesday, Jan. 26. Preached to a pretty large assembly at Mr. Fish’s meeting-house: insisted on stedfastness in keeping God’s commands; and that through humility we should prefer one another in love, and not make our own frames the rule by which we judge others. I felt sweetly calm, and full of brotherly love; and never more free from party spirit. I hope some good will follow, that Christians will be freed from false joy, and party zeal, and censuring one another.
Friday, Jan. 28. Rode to New London. Here I found some fallen into extravagances, too much carried away with false zeal and bitterness; oh, the want of a gospel temper is greatly to be lamented. Spent the evening in conversing about some points of conduct in both ministers and private Christians; but we did not agree. God had not taught them with briars and therns to be of a kind disposition toward mankind.
[On Saturday he rode to East-Haddam, and spent the three following days there. He speaks of his weanedness from the world, a sense of the nearness of eternity, special assistance in praying for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom, and times of spiritual comfort.]
Wednesday, February 2. Preached my farewel-sermon last night at the house of an aged man, who had been unable to attend public worship for some time; and this morning spent the time in prayer, almost whereever I went. Having taken leave of friends, I set out on my journey towards the Indians; though by the way I was to spend some time at East-Hampton on Long-Island, by the leave of the commissioners who employed me in the Indian affair ;* and being accompanied by a messenger from East-Hampton, we travelled to Lyme. On the road | felt an uncommon pressure of mind. I seemed to struggle hard for some pleasure in something here below, and loth to give up all for gone. I saw that 1 was evidently throwing myself into hardships and distresses in my present undertaking, and thought it would be less difficult to lie down in the grave: still I chose to go, rather than stay.—Came to Lyme that night.
{He waited the two next days for a passage over the Sound, and spent much of the time in inward conflicts and dejection, but had some comfort, On Saturday he crossed the Sound, landed at Oyster-Ponds on Long-Island, and travelled from thence to East-Hampton. He spent the seven following days, under extreme dejection, with great complaints of darkness and ignorance; yet his heart appears to have been constantly engaged in the great business of religion, praying and labouring much to promote it.]
Saturday, Feb. 12. Enjoyed a little more comfort, was
* The reason why the commissioners or correspondents did not order Mr. Brainerd to go immediately to the Indians, and enter on his business as a misenabled to meditate with some composure of mind; and especially in the evening, found my soul more refreshed in prayer than at any time of late. I seemed to “ take hold of God’s strength,” and was comforted with his consolations. How sweet are the glimpses of divine glory; how strengthening and quickening!
Lord’s day, Feb. 13. At noon, laboured under great discouragement; knew not how it was possible for me to preach in the afternoon, was ready to give up all for gone; but God was pleased to assist me in some measure. In the evening, my heart was sweetly drawn out after God, and devoted to him.
Tuesday, Feb. 15. Early in the day I felt some comfort; afterwards walked into a neighbouring grove, and felt as a stranger on earth; as dead to the enjoyments of the world, as if 1 had been literally dead. In the evening, had divine sweetness in secret duty: God was then my portion, and my soul rose above those deep waters, into which I have sunk so low of late. My soul then cried for Zion, and had great pleasure in so doing.
Thursday, Feb. 17. In the morning, found myself. comfortable, and rested on God in some measure. Preached this day at a little village belonging to East-Hampton; and God was pleased to give me his gracious presence and assistance, so that I spake with freedom and boldness. In the evening, spent some time with a dear Christian friend; felt sweetly serious, as on the brink of eternity; my soul enjoyed some lively apprehensions of standing before the glorious God: prayed with my dear friend and discoursed with the utmost solemnity. Truly it was a little emblem of heaven itself. I find my soul is more refined and weaned from a dependance on my frames and spiritual feelings.
Friday, Feb. 18. Felt calm and happy most of the day, and found access to the throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of heavenly delight and composure, while [ am engaged in the field of battle. Oh that 1 might be serious, solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil world! Had an opportunity alone to-day, and found some freedom in study. Oh J long to live to God.
sionary to them, was, that the Winter was vot judged to be a convenient season for him first to go out into the wilderness, and enter on the difficulties and hardships he must there endure.
Saturday, Feb. 19. Was exceeding infirm to-day, greatly troubled with pain in my head and dizziness, scarcely able to sit up. However, enjoyed something of God in prayer, and performed some necessary studies. J exceedingly long to die; and yet, through divine goodness, have felt very willing to live, for two or three days past.
Lord’s day, Feb. 20. Perplexed on account of my carelessness; thought I could not be suitably concerned about the important work of the day, and so was restless with my easiness. Was exceeding infirm again to-day; but the Lord strengthened me, both in the outward and inward man, 60 that I preached with some life and spirituality, especially ia the afternoon. I was enabled to speak closely against selfish religion that loves Christ for his benefits, but not for himself,
[During the next fortnight, it appears that he enjoyed much spiritual peace and comfort. In his diary for this space of _ time, are expressed such things as these; mourning over indwelling sin and unprofitableness; deadness to the world; longing after God, and to live to his glory; heart-melting desires after his eternal home; fixed reliance on God for his help; experience of much divine assistance both in the private and public exercises of religion; inward strength and courage in the service of God; very frequent refreshment, consolation, and divine sweetness in meditation, prayer, preaching and Christian conversation. And it appears by his account, that this space of time was filled up with great diligence and earnestness in serving God, in study, prayer, meditation, preaching, and private instructing and counselling.]
Monday, March 7. This morning when I arose, I found my heart go forth after God in longing desires of conformity to him, and in secret prayer found myself quickened and drawn out in praises to God for all he had done for me, and for all my inward trials and distresses. My heart ascribed glory, glory, glory to the blessed God; and bid welcome all inward distress again, if God saw meet to exercise me with them. Time appeared but an inch long, and eternity at hand; and I thought | could with patience and cheerfulness bear any thing for the cause of God; for I saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace and blessedness.
By the strength of the Lord I rose far above this lower world, and all the vain amusements and frightful disappointments of it. Afterwards, was visited by some friends, but lost some sweetness by it. After that, had some delightful meditation on Gen. v. 24: “ And Enoch walked with God.”
Wednesday, March 9. Endeavoured to commit myself and all my concerns to God. Rode sixteen miles to Mantauk,* and had some inward sweetness on the road; but something of flatness and deadness after 1 came there and had seen the Indians. I withdrew, and endeavoured to pray, but found myself awfully deserted and left, and had an afflicting sense of © my vileness and meanness. However, I went and preached from Isai. liii. 10. Had some assistance; and I trust something of the divine presence was among us. In the evening also I prayed and exhorted among them, after having had a season alone, when I was so pressed with the blackness of my nature, that I thought it was not fit for me to speak so much as to Indians.
Lord’s day, March 13. At noon I thought it impossible for me to preach, by reason of bodily weakness and inward deadness; and in the first prayer, was so weak I could hardly stand; but in sermon, God strengthened me, so that I spake near an hour and half with freedom, clearness, and energy, from Gen. v.24. “ And Enoch walked with God.” I was sweetly assisted to insist on a close walk with God, and to leave this as my parting advice to God’s people here, that they should walk with God. May the God of all grace succeed my poor labours in this place..
Monday, March 14. In the morning, was very busy in preparing for my journey, and was almost continually engaged in ejaculatory prayer. About ten, took leave of the dear people of East-Hampton; my heart grieved and mourned, and rejoiced at the same time; rode near fifty miles to a part of Brook-Haven, and lodged there, and had refreshing conversation with a Christian friend.
[In two days more he reached New-York; but complains of much desertion and deadness on the road. He stayed one day in New-York, and on Friday went to Mr. Dickinson’s at
* Maatauk is the eastern cape or end of Long-Island, inhabited chiefly by Indians.
Elisabeth-Town. His complaints are the same as on the two preceding days.]
Saturday, March 19. Was bitterly distressed under a sense of my ignorance, darkness and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to God in the bitterness of my soul. In the afternoon, rode to Newark, and had some comfort in conversation with Mr. Burr, and in praying together. Blessed be God for ever and ever, for any enlivening and quickening..
Lord’s day, March 20. Preached in the forenoon: God gave me some assistance, and enabled me to speak with real tenderness, love, and impartiality. In the evening preached again; and of a truth, God was pleased to assist a poor worm. Blessed be God, I was enabled to speak with life, power, and passionate desire for the edification of God’s people, and with some power to sinners. In the evening, I felt in a measure spiritual and watchful, lest my heart should by any means be drawn away from God. Oh, when shall I come to that blessed world, where every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound up, in heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the highest degree.
[On Monday.he went to Woodbridge, where he speaks of. his being with a number of ministers ;* and the day following, of his travelling part of the way towards New-York, and lodging ata tavern. On Wednesday, he came to New-York. On Thursday, he rode near fifty miles, from New-York to North-Castle. On Friday, went to Danbury. On Saturday to New-Milford. On the Sabbath, he rode five or six miles to a place near Kent in Connecticut, called Scaticoke, and
* These ministers were the Correspondents, who now met at Woodbridge, and gave Mr. Brainerd new directions; and instead of sending him to the Indians at the Forks of Delaware, as before intended, they ordered him to go to a number of Indians at Kaunaumeek, # place in the province of New-York, in the woods between Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned by two things, viz. 1. Information that the correspondents had received of some Contention now subsisting between the white people and the Indians at Delaware, concerning their lands, which they supposed would be a hinderance at Preent to their entertainment of a missionary, and te his success among them, And, 2, Some intimations they had received from Mr. Sergeant, missionary to the Indians at Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the hopeful prospect of success that a missionary might have among them..
P 66 THB LIFE OF - (PART Iv.
preached to a number of Indians.* On Monday, being detained by the rain, he tarried at Kent. On Tuesday, he rode from Kent to Salsbury. Wednesday, he went to Sheffield. Thursday, March 31, he went to Mr. Sergeant's at Stockbridge. He was dejected and very disconsolate, through the main of his journey from New-Jersey to Stockbridge; and especially on the last day his mind was overwhelmed with gloom and melancholy.
* These were the sane Indians that Mr, Brainerd mentions in his diary, on August 12, the preceding year.
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