His Beginning to Instruct the Indians, to the Time of His Ordination (part 2 of 3)
— [In this diary for the next eleven days, are great com-
PAST V.J DAVID BRAINERD. 85
plaints of distance from God, spiritual pride, corruption, and exceeding vileness. He once says, his heart was so pressed with a sense of his pollution, that he could scarcely have the assurance to desire that God should not cast him off for ever. At another time, he says, he had so little sense of God, or apprehension and relish of his glory and excele. lency, that it made him more disposed to kindness and tenderness towards those who are blind and ignorant of God and things divine and heavenly.]
Lord’s day, Oct. 16. In the evening, God was pleased to give me a feeling sense of my own unworthiness; but through divine goodness such as tended to draw, rather than drive me from God: it filled me with deep solemnity. I retired alone, (having at this time a friend with me,) and poured out fay soul to God with much freedom; and yet in anguish, to find myself so unspeakably sinful and unworthy before a holy God. Was now much resigned under God's dispensations towards me, though my trials had been very great. But thought whether I could be resigned if God should suffer the French Indians to come upon me, and deprive me of my life, or carry me away captive, (though I knew of no special reason then to propose this trial to myself, more than any other;) and my soul seemed so far to rest and acquiesce in God, that the sting and terror of these things seemed in a great measure gone. Presently after I came to the Indians, whom I was teaching to sing psalm-tunes that evening, I received the following letter from Stockbridge, by a messenger sent on the sabbath on purpose, which made it appear of greater importance.
“Sir, Just now we received advices from Col. Stoddard, that there is the utmost danger of a rupture with France. He has received the same from his Excellency our governor, ordering him to give notice to all the exposed places, that they may secure themselves the best they can against any sudden invasion. We thought best to send directly to Kaunaumeek, that you may take proper measures for your safety that dwell there. I am, Sir, &c.”
Upon reading the contents, I thought, it came in a good. season; for my heart seemed fixed on God, and therefore I was not much surprised: but this news only made me more serious, and taught me that I must not please myself with |
« 3 any of the comforts of life which I had been preparing for my support. Blessed be God, who gave me any intenseness and fervency this evening!
Monday, Oct. 17. Had some hopes that “ God would arise and have mercy on Zion” speedily. My heart is in-’ deed refreshed, when | have any prevailing hopes of Zion’s prosperity. Oh that I may see the glorious day, when Zion shall become the joy of the whole earth! Truly there is nothing that I greatly value in this lower world.
Thursday, Oct. 20. Had but litte sense of divine things this day. Alas, that so much of my precious time is spent with so little of God! Those are tedious days, wherein I have no spirituality.
Friday, Oct. 21. Returned home to Kaunaumeek: was glad to get alone in my little cottage, and to cry to that God who seeth in secret, and is present in a wilderness.
Saturday, Oct. 22. Had but little sensible communion with God. This world is a dark cloudy mansion. Oh when will the Sun of righteousness shine on my soul without cessation or intermission!
Lord’s day, Oct. 23. In the morning, had a little dawn of comfort arising from the hope of seeing glorious days in:
_the church of God: was enabled to pray for it with some degree of fervency. In the forenoon, treated on the glories of heaven; in the afternoon, on the miseries of hell, and the © danger of going there. Had some freedom and warmth, both parts of the day: the people were very attentive.. In the evening, two or three came to me under serious concern. I was enabled to discourse closely and earnestly with them: oh that God would be merciful to their poor souls!
[He seems, through the whole of this week, to have been greatly concerned to fill up every inch of time in the service of God, and to have been most diligently employed in study, prayer, and instructing the Indians; and from time to time expresses longings of soul after God, and the advancement of his kingdom.]
Lord’s day, Oct. 30. Inthe morning, enjoyed some fixedness of soul in prayer, which was indeed sweet and desirable; was enabled to leave myself with God, and to acquiesce in him. At noon I was refreshed with reading Rev. iii. more especially the 11th and 12th verses. I longed for that blessed day, when I should “ dwell in the temple of God,”
and “ go no more out” of his immediate presence! Monday, Oct. 31. Rode to Kinderhook, about fifteen
miles from my place. While riding, | felt some divine
‘sweetness in the thoughts of being “ a pillar in the temple
of God” in the upper world, and being no more deprived of his blessed presence, and the sense of his favour, which is better than life. My soul was so lifted up to God, that I could pour out my desires to him, for more grace and further degrees of sanctification, with abundant freedom. I longed to be more prepared for that blessedness, with which l was then in some measure refreshed. Returned home in the evening, but took a bad cold by riding in the night.
Tuesday, November.!. Was very much disordered in body, and sometimes full of pain in my face and teeth; was not able to study much, and had but little spiritual comfort. Alas, when God is withdrawn, all is gone.—Had some sweet thoughts, which I could not but write down, on the design, nature, and end of Christianity.
Wednesday, Nov.2. Was still more indisposed in body, and in much pain most of the day: had not much comfort; was scarcely able to study at all, and still entirely alone in the wilderness. But, blessed be the Lord, that 1 am not exposed in the open air. Ihave a house, and many of the comforts of life to support me. I have learned in a measure, that all good things, relating both to time and eternity, come from God. In the evening, had some degree of quickening in prayer: I think, God gave me some sense of his presence.
Thursday, Nov. 3. Spent this day in secret fasting and prayer, from morning till night. Early in the morning, had some assistance in prayer. Afterwards, read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1 Kings xvii. xviii. and xix chapters, and also 2 Kings ii. and iv. chapters. My soui was much moved, observing the faith, zeal and power of that holy man, how he wrestled with God in prayer. My soul then cried with Elisha, “ Where is the Lord God of Elijah!” I longed for more faith, My soul breathed after God, and pleaded with him, that a “ double portion of that spirit,” which was given to Elijah, might “ rest on me.” And that which was divinely refreshing and strengthening to my soul, was, I saw that God is the same that he was in the days of
a4. t
Elijah, Was enabled to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more affectionate, fervent, humble, intense and importunate manner, ‘than I have for many months past: Nothing seemed too hard for God to perform; nothing too great for me to expect from him. I had for many months entirely lost all hopes of being made instrumental of doing any special service for God in the world; it has appeared entirely im-. possible, that one so vile should be thus improved for God. But at. this time God was pleased to revive this hope. Afterwards read the iiid chapter of Exodus and on to the xxth, and saw more of the glory and majesty of God discovered in those chapters, than ever | had seen before; frequently in the mean time falling on my knees, and crying to God for the faith of Moses, and. for a manifestation of the divine glory. Especially the iiid and ivth, and part of the xivth and xvth chapters, were unspeakably sweet; my soul blessed God, that he had shewn himself so gracious to his servants of old. The xvth chapter seemed to be the very language which my soul uttered in the season of my first spiritual comfort, when I had just got through the Red sea, by a way that I did not expect. Oh how my soul then rejoiced in God! And now those things came fresh and lively to my mind; now my soul blessed God afresh, that he had opened that unthought-of way to deliver me from the fear of the Egyptians, when I almost despaired of life. Afterwards read the story of Abraham’s pilgrimage in the land of Canaan: my soul was melted, in observing his faith, how he leaned on God; how he communed with God, and what a stranger he was in the world. After that, read the story of Joseph’s sufferings, and God’s goodness to him: blessed God for these examples of faith and patience. In prayer. I was enabled to wrestle ardently for myself, - for Christian friends, and for the church of God; and felt more desire to see the power of God in the conversion of souls, than I have done for a long season. Blessed be God for this season of fasting and prayer: may his goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to him!
Thursday, Nov. 4. Rode to Kinderhook; went quite to Hudson’s River, about twenty miles from my house; performed some business, and returned home in the evening to my own house. I had rather ride hard, and fatigue myself, to get home, than spend the evening and night amongst those that have no regard for God.
‘PART V.J DAVID BRAINERD. 89
[The two next days he was very ill and full of pain, probably through his riding in the night, after a fatiguing day’s journey on Thursday: but yet seems to have been diligent in business. ]
Monday, Nov. 7. This morning the Lord afforded me some special assistance in prayer; my mind was solemn, fixed, affectionate, and ardent in desires after holiness. I was full of tenderness and love, and my affections seemed to be dissolved into kindness and softness. In the evening enjoyed the same comfortable assistance in prayer as in the morning: my soul longed after God, and cried to him with a filial freedom, reverence, and boldness. Oh that I might be entirely consecrated and\devoted to God!
Thursday, Nov. 10. Spent this day in fasting and prayer alone. In the morning, was very dull, lifeless, and discouraged. After some time, reading 2 Kings xix chapter, my soul was moved and affected; especially reading verse 14, aud onward. I saw there was no other way for the afflicted children of God to take, but to go to God with all their sorrows. Hezekiah, in his great distress, went and spread his ‘complaint before the Lord. I was then enabled to see the mighty power of God, and to cry to God affectionately and ardently for his divine power and grace to be exercised toe wards me. Afterwards, read the story of David’s trials, and observed the course he took under them, how he strengthened his hands in God; whereby my soul was carried out after God, enabled to cry to him, and rely upon him, and felt strong in the Lord.. Was afterwards refreshed, observing the blessed temper that was wrought in David by his trials: all bitterness and desire of revenge seemed wholly taken away; so that he mourned for the death of his enemies; 2 Sam.i. 17, and iv.Y. Was enabled to bless God, that he had given me something of this divine temper, that my soul freely forgives, and heartily loves my enemies.
{It appears by his diary for the remainder of this week, and for the two following weeks, that great part of the time he was very ill and full of pain: and yet obliged through his circumstances, in this ill state of body, to undergo great faligues in labour, travelling day and night, and to expose himself in stormy and severe seasons. He from time to time speaks of outgoings of soul after God; his heart strengthened in God; seasons of divine sweetness and comfort; his heart affected with gratitude for mercies, $c. And yet there are many complaints of lifelessness, weakness of grace, distance from God, and great unprofitableness. Still there appears a constant care, from day to day, not to lose time, but to improve it all for God.]
Lord’s day, Nov. 27. In the evening, was greatly affected in reading an account of the very joyful death of a pious gentleman; which seemed to invigorate my soul in God’s ways. I felt courageously engaged to pursue a life of holiness and self-denial as long as I live, and poured out my soul to God for his help and assistance. Eternity then seemed near, and my soul rejoiced, and Jonged to meet it. Oh I trust, that will be a blessed day that finishes my toil here.
- Monday, Nov. 28. In the evening, was obliged to spend time in company and conversation that was unprofitable. Nothing lies heavier upon me, than the misimprovement of time.
Tuesday, Nov.29. Began to study the Indian tongue with Mr. Sergeant at Stockbridge.* Was perplexed for want of more retirement. I love to live alone in my own little cottage, where I can spend much time in prayer.
Wednesday, Nov. 80. Pursued my study of Indian; but was very weak and disordered in body, and troubled in mind at the barrenness of the day, that I had done so little for God, I had some enlargement in prayer at night. Oh, a barn, or stable, hedge, or any other place, is truly desirable, if God is there! Sometimes, of late, my hopes of Zion’s prosperity are more raised, than they were in the summer past. My soul seems to confide in God, that he will yet “shew forth his salvation” to his people, and make Zion “the joy of the whole earth.” Oh how excellent is the loving kindness of the Lord! My soul sometimes inwardly exults at the lively thoughts of what God has already done for his church, and
* The commissioners that employed him had directed him to spend much. time this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to learn the language of the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride, backwards and forwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek; which many times exposed him to extreme hardship in the severe seasons of the winter.. what mine eyes have seen of the salvation of God. It is sweet to hear nothing but spiritual discourse from God’s children; and sinners enquiring the way to Zion, saying, What shall we do? Oh that I may see more of this blessed work!
Thursday, December 1. Both morning and evening, I enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer, and longed for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom in the world. My soul seems, of late, to wait on God for his blessing on Zion. Oh that religion might powerfully revive!
Friday, Dec. 2. Enjoyed not so much health of body, or fervour of mind, as yesterday. If the chariot wheels move with ease and speed at any time, for a short space; yet by and bye they drive heavily again. ‘“ Oh that 1 had the wings of a dove, that I might fly away” from sin and corruption, and be“ at rest” in God!
Saturday, Dec. 3. Rode home to my house and people. Suffered much from extreme cold. I trust I shall ere long arrive safe at my journey’s end, where my toils shall cease..
Lord’s day, Dec. 4. Had but little sense of divine and heavenly things. My soul mourns over my barrenness. Oh how sad is spiritual deadness.
Monday, Dec. 5. Rode to Stockbridge. Was nearly overdone with the extreme cold. Had some refreshing meditations by the way; but was barren, wandering, and
lifeless, much of the day. Thus my days roll away, with but little done for God; and this is my burden.
Tuesday, Dec. 6. Was perplexed to see the vanity and levity of professed Christians. Spent the evening with a friend, who was able in some measure to sympathize with me
_ in my spiritual conflicts. Was a little refreshed to find one with whom I could converse of inward trials, &e.
Wednesday, Dec. 7. Spent the evening in perplexity, with a kind of guilty indolence. When I have no heart or resolution for God, and the duties incumbent on me, I feel guilty: of negligence and misimprovement of time. Certainly I ought to be engaged in my work and business, to the utmost extent of my strength and ability.
Thursday, Dec. 8. My mind was much distracted with diferent affections. Seemed to be at an amazing distance from God; and looking round in the world, to sec if there Was not some happiness to be derived from it, God, and some
92 THE LIFE OF [PART V-
certain objects in the world, seemed each to invite my affections; and my soul seemed to be distracted between them. Ihave not been so much beset with the world for a long time; and that with relation to some particular objects which I thought myself most dead to. But even while I was desiring to please myself with any thing below, guilt, sorrow, and perplexity, attended the first motions of desire. Indeed I cannot see the appearance of pleasure and happiness in the world, as I used to do: and blessed be God for any habitual deadness to the world. I found no peace, or deliverance from this distraction and perplexity of mind, till I found access to the throne of grace: and as soon as I had any sense of God, and things divine, the allurements of the world vanished, and my heart was determined for God. But FE mourned over my folly, that I should desire any pleasure, but only in God. God forgive my spiritual idolatry!
[The next thirteen days, he appears to have been continu- "ally in deep concern about the improvement of precious time; and there are many expressions of grief that he improved time no better; such as, “Oh, what misery do I feel, when my thoughts rove after vanity! I should be happy if always engaged for God! Oh wretched man that I am!” He speaks of his being pained with a sense of his barrenness, perplexed with his wanderings, longing for deliverance from the being of sin, mourning that time passed away, and so little was done for God. On ‘luesday, December 20, he speaks of his being visited at Kaunaumeek by some under spiritual concern.]
Thursday, Dec. 22. Spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, and reading God’s word the exercises and deliverances of God’s children. Had, I trust, some exercise of faith, and realizing apprehension of divine power, grace and holiness; and also of the unchangeableness of God, that he is the same as he was when he delivered his saints of old out of great tribulation. My soul was at sundry times enlarged for God’s church and people: oh that Zion might become the “ joy of the whole earth!” It is better to wait upon God with patience,’ than to put confidence in any thing in this world. “ My soul, wait: thou on the Lord; from him cometh thy salvation.”
Friday, Dec. 23.. Felt a little more courage and resolution in religion, than at some other times.
Saturday, Dec. 24. Had some assistance in prayer, and longing desires after sanctification, especially in the evening was sensible of my own weakness and spiritual impotency; saw plainly that | should fall into sin, if God of his abundant mercy did not uphold my soul, and withhold me from evil. Oh that God would uphold me by his free Spirit, and save me from the hour of temptation!
Lord’s day, Dec 25. Prayed much in the morning, with a feeling sense of my own spiritual weakness and insufficiency for any duty. God gave me some assistance in preaching to the Indians, especially in the afternoon, when I was enabled to speak with uncommon plainness, freedom and earhesiness. Blessed be God for any assistance granted to one so unworthy. Afterwards felt some thankfulness, but still ‘sensible of barrenness. Spent some time in the evening with one or two persons under spiritual concern, and exhorting others to their duty, &c.
Monday, Dec. 26. Rode down to Stockbridge. Was. very much fatigued with my journey, wherein I underwent great hardship: was much exposed and very wet by falling into ariver. Spent the day and evening without much sense of divine and heavenly things; but felt guilty, grieved and perplexed, with wandering careless thoughts.
Tuesday, Dec. 27. Had a small degree of warmth in secret prayer, in the evening; yet alas, but.little spiritual life, and consequently but little comfort. Ob the pressure of a “body of death.”*,
Wednesday, Dec. 28. Rode about six miles to the ordination of Mr. Hopkins. During the solemnity I was somewhat affected with a sense of the greatness and importance of the work ofa minister of Christ. Afterwards was grieved to see the vanity of the multitude. In the evening, spent a little time with some Christian friends, with some degree of satisfaction; but most of the time I had rather have been alone.
Thursday, Dec. 29. Spent the day chiefly in conversing with friends; yet enjoyed little satisfaction, because I could find but few disposed to converse of divine and heavenly things, Alas, what are things of this world, to afford satisfaction to the soul!—Near night, returned to Stockbridge;
* This day he wrote the second letter added at the end of this history.
94 THE LIFE OF | (PART Vv.
in secret blessed God for retirement, and that I am not always exposed to the company and conversation of the world. Oh that [ could live in the secret of God’s presence!
Friday, Dec. $0. Was ina solemn devout frame in the evening. Wondered that earth, with all its charms, should ever allure me in the least degree. Oh that I could always realize the being and holiness of Ged.
Saturday, Dec. 31. Rode from Stockbridge home to my house: the air was clear and calm, but intensely cold. I was in great danger of perishing by the extremity of the season. Was enabled to meditate much on the road.
Lord’s day, January 1, 1743-4. In the morning, had some small degree of assistance in prayer. Saw myself so vile and unworthy, that I could not look my people in the face when I came to preach. Oh, my meanness, folly, ignorance, and inward pollution. -In the evening, had a little assistance in prayer, so that the duty was delightsome, rather than burdensome. Reflected on the goodness of God to me in the past year. Of a truth God has been kind and gracious to me, though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows; he has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled, in about fifteen months past, to bestow to charitable uses about a hundred pounds New-England money, that I can now remember.* Blessed be the Lord, who has so far used me as his steward, to distribute a portion of his goods. May I always remember, that all 1 have comes from him. Blessed be the Lord, who has carried me through all the toils, fatigues and hardships of the year past, as well as the spiritual sorrows and conflicts that have attended it. Ob that I could begin this year with God, and spend the whole of it to his glory, either in life or death!
Monday, Jan.2. Had some affecting sense of my own impotency and spiritual weakness.—It is nothing but the power of God that keeps me from all manner of wickedness. I see that I am nothing, and can do nothing without help from above: oh for divine grace. In the evening, had some
* Which was, I suppose, to the value of about one hundred and eighty five pounds in our bills of the old tenor, as they now pass. By this, as well as many ather things, it is manifest that his frequent melancholy did not arisefrom the consideration of any disadvantage he was laid under to get a living in the world, by his expulsion from the college.
‘PART V.] DAVID BRAINERD. 95
ardour of soul in prayer, and longing desires to have God for my guide and safeguard at all times.*
Tuesday, Jan. 3. Was employed much of the day in writing; and spent some time in other necessary employment. My time passes away so swiftly that I am astonished when I reflect on it, and see how little I do in it. My state of solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. Oh what reason of thankfulness have I on account this retirement. 1 find that I do not, and it seems I cannot, lead a Christian life, when I am abroad, and cannot spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and serious meditation, as I should do. Those weeks that I am obliged now to be from home, in order to learn the Indian tongue, are moste ly spent in perplexity and barrenness, without much relish of divine things; and I feel myself a stranger at the throne of grace, for want of more frequent and continued retirement. When I return home, and give myself to meditation, prayer and fasting, a new scene opens to me; and my soul longs for mortification, self-denial, humility, and divorcement from all the things of the world. This evening, my heart was somewhat warm and fervent in prayer and meditation, so that I was loth to indulge sleep. Continued in those duties till. about midnight.
Wednesday, Jan. 4. Was in a resigned and mortified temper of mind, much of the day. Time appeared a moment, life a vapour, and all its enjoyments as empty bubbles, and fleeting blasts of wind.
Thursday, Jan. 5. Had a humbling and pressing sense of my unworthiness. The depravity of my own heart filled me with bitterness and anguish; and I was ready to sink under the weight of so heavy a burden. Thus I spent the evening till late; was somewhat intense and ardent in prayer.
Friday, Jan. 6. Feeling and considering my extreme weakness and want of grace, the pollution of my soul, and danger of temptations on every side, I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, neither eating nor drinking from evening to evening, beseeching God to have mercy on me; and my soul intensely longed that the dreadful spots and stains of sin might be washed away. Saw something of the power and alsufficiency of God. My soul seemed to rest on his
* This day he wrote the third letter, published at the end of this account of his life.
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power and grace; longed for resignation to his will, and mortification to all things here below. My mind was greatly fixed on divine things; my resolutions for a life of mortification, continual watchfulness, self-denial, seriousness, and devotion to God, were strong and fixed; my desires ardent and intense; my conscience tender, and afraid of every appearance of evil. My soul grieved with the reflection on past levity, and want of resolution for God. I solemnly renewed the dedication of myself to him, and longed for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with him. Time appeared very short, eternity near; and a great name, either in or after life, together with all earthly pleasures and profits, but an empty bubble, a deluding dream.
Saturday, Jan. 7. Spent this day in seriousness, with stedfast resolutions for God and a life of mortification. Studied closely, till 1 felt my bodily strength fail. Felt some degree of resignation to God, with an acquiescence in his dispensations; was grieved that I could do so little for God before my bodily strength failed. Spent the time in reading, meditation, and prayer, till the evening was far spent: was grieved to think that I could not “ watch unto prayer” the whole night. But blessed be God, heaven is a place of continual and incessant devotion, though earth is dull.
[The six days following, he continued in the same happy frame of mind; enjoyed the same composure, calmness, resignation, ardent desire, and fervency of spirit, in a high degree, every day, not one excepted. Thursday, this week, he kept as a day of secret fasting and prayer.]
Saturday, Jan. 14. This morning, enjoyed a most solemn season in prayer: my soul seemed enlarged, and assisted to pour out itself to God for grace, and for every blessing needed for myself, my dear Christian friends, and for the church of God; and was so enabled to see him who is invisible, that my sou] rested upon him for the performance of every thing I asked agreeable to his will. 1t was then my happiness to “ continue instant in prayer,” and was enabled to continue in it for near an hour. My soul was then “strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.” Longed exceedingly for angelic holiness and purity, and to have my thoughts at all times employed in divine and heavenly things. Oh how blessed is a heavenly temper; how unspeakably blessed to feel a measure of that rectitude, in which we were at first created! Enjoyed divine assistance in prayer sundry times in the day. My soul confided in God for myself, and for his Zion; trusted in divine power and grace, that he would do glorious things in his church on earth, for his own glory.
{The next day he speaks of some glimpses he had of the divine glories, and of his being enabled to maintain his resolations in some measure; but complains that he could not draw near to God: seems to be filled with trembling fears lest he should return to a life of vanity, to please himself with some of the enjoyments of this lower world; and speaks of his being much troubled, and feeling guilty, that he should address immortal souls with no more ardency and desire for their salvation.—On Monday, he rode down to Stockbridge, was distressed with the extreme cold; yet his mind was in a devout and solemn frame during his journey. The four next days he was very ill, probably by his suffering from the cold in his journey; yet he says he spent the time in a more solemn manner than he expected. On Friday evening, ne rode down and visited Mr. Hopkins; and on Saturday, rode eighteen miles to Salsbury, where he kept the Sabbath, and enjoyed considerable degrees of God’s gracious presence, assistance in duty, and divine comfort and refreshment, longing to give himself wholly to God, to be his for ever.]
Monday, Jan. 23. Never felt more resigned to God, nor much dead to the world, in every respect, as now; was dead to all desire of reputation and greatness, either in life or after death; all I longed for was to be holy, humble, cruified to the world.
Tuesday, Jan. 24. Near noon, rode over to Canaan. Int the evening, was unexpectedly visited by a considerable number of people, with whom I was enabled to converse profiably of divine things. Took pains to describe the difference between a regular and irregular se/f-love; the one consisting with supreme love to God, the other not; the former whiting God’s glory and the soul’s happiness, that they become one common interest, but the latter disjoining and se-
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