His Beginning to Instruct the Indians, to the Time of His Ordination (part 3 of 3)

98 THE LIFE OF [PART ¥.

parating God’s glory and man’s happiness, seeking the latter with a neglect of the former. Illustrated this by that genuine love that is found between the sexes; which is diverse from that which is wrought up by rational arguments only, or the hope of self-interest. Love is a pleasing passion; it affords pleasure to the mind where it is; yet genuine love is not, nor can be placed upon any object, with the design of being pleased with the feeling of it in a man’s own breast.

[On Wednesday he rode to Sheffield; the next day to Stockbridge; and on Saturday, home to Kaunaumeek, though the season was cold and stormy. The journey was followed with illness and pain. It appears by his diary that he spent the time, while riding, in profitable meditations, and in lifting up his heart to God; and he speaks of assistance, comfort and refreshment, though still complaining of barrenness. His diary for the five next days is full of bitter complaints; he expresses himself as full of shame and selfloathing for his lifeless temper and sluggishness of spirit, and as being in perplexity and extremity, appearing to himself unspeakably vile and guilty before God, on account. of some inward workings of corruption.]

Thursday, Feb. 2. Spent this day in fasting and prayer, seeking the presence and assistance of God, that he would. enable me to overcome all my corruptions and spiritual enemies.

Friday, Feb. 8. Enjoyed more freedom-and comfort than of late; was intensely engaged in meditation upon the different whispers of the various powers and affections of a pious mind, exercised with a great variety of dispensations. I could not but write, as well as meditate, on so entertaining a subject.* I hope the Lord gave me some true sense of divine things this day: but alas, how great and pressing are the remains of indwelling corruption. I am now more sensible than ever that God alone is “ the author and finisher of faith,” i.e. that the whole and every part of sanctification, and every good word, work or thought, that is found in me, is the effect of his power and grace; that “without him I can do nothing,” in the strictest sense, and that, ““he works

‘in us to will and to do of his own good pleasure,” and from no other motive. Ob how amazing it'is that people can

* What he wrote on this head is published at the end of this account of his life.. talk so much about mens’ power and goodness; when, if God did not hold us back every moment, we should be devils incarnate. This my bitter experience, for several days last past, has abundantly taught me concerning myself.

Saturday, Feb. 4. Enjoyed some degree of freedom and spiritual refreshment; was enabled to pray with some fer-

vency for Zion’s prosperity, and my faith and hope seemed

to take hold ef God for the performance of what I was enabled to ask. Sanctification in myself, and the ingathering of God’s elect, was all my desire; and the hope of its accomplishment, all my joy.

Lord’s day, Feb. 5. Was enabled in some measure to rest and confide in God; to prize his presence, and even some glimpses of the light of his countenance, above my necessary food. After the season of weakness, temptation, and desertion I endured last week, I thought myself to be somewhat like Samson, when his locks began to grow again. Was enabled to preach with more life and warmth, than I have done for some weeks past.

Monday, Feb. 6. This morning my soul was again strengthéned in God, and found some sweet repose in him in prayer; longing especially for the complete mortification of sensuality and pride, and for resignation to God’s dispensations at all times, as through grace | felt it at this time. I did not desire deliverance from any difficulty attending my circumstances, unless God was willing: oh how comfortable is this tempér. Spent most of the day in reading God’s word, in writing, and prayer. Enjoyed repeated and frequent comfort and intensenéss of soul im prayer through the day. Spent the evening in private conversation with my people; and afterwards, felt some warmth in secret prayer.

Tuesday, Feb. 7. Was much engaged in meditating on the powers and affections of the godly soul, in pursuing its beloved object. Wrote something of the native language of spiritual sensation, in its soft and tender whispers: decla- Ting that it now feels and “ tastes that the Lord is gracious ;” that he is the supreme good, the only soul-satisfying happiness; that he is a complete, sufficient, and almighty portion: saying, “ Whom have I in heaven but thee; and

re is none upon earth that I desire besides thee.” 1 feel it is heaven to please him, and to be just what he would have. me to be; oh that my soul were holy as he is holy; oh that

HQ os

100. THE LIFE OF (PART V,

it were pure, even as Christ is pure; and perfect as my Father in heaven is perfect! These, I feel, are the sweetest commands in God’s book, comprising all others. And shall “J break them? Must I break them; am I under such a necessity as long as [ live in the world! Wo, wo is me that I am a sinner, because I now grieve and offend this blessed God, who is infinite in goodness and grace! Oh, if he would punish me for my sins, it would not wound my heart so deep to offend him; but though I sin continually, yet he continually repeats his kindness to me! Methinks | could bear any suffering; but how can I bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed God! How shall I yield ten thousand times more honour to kim? What shall I do to glorify and worship this best of Beings? Oh that I could consecrate myself, soul and body, to his service for ever; could give up myself to him, so as never more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or affections that are not perfectly conformed to him! But alas, I find I cannot be thus entirely devoted to God; I cannot live, and not sin. Oh ye angels, do ye glorify him incessantly; and if possible, prostrate yourselves lower before the blessed King of heaven. I long to bear a part with you; and were it possible, to help you. But when we have done all we can to eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the homage that the glorious God dese “ves!”

Wednesday, Feb. 8. Was in a comfortable frame of soul most of the day, though sensible of much spiritual barrenness. I find that both mind and body are quickly tired with intenseness and fervour in the things of God: oh that I could be as incessant as angels in devotion and spiritual fervour. Lk

Thursday, Feb. 9. Observed this day as a day of fasting and prayer, intreating of God to bestow upon me his blessing and grace; especially to enable ine to live a life of mortification to the world, as well as of 1esignation and patience. Enjoyed some realizing sense of divine power and goodness in prayer, several times; and was enabled to roll the burden of myself and friends, and of Zion, upon the goodness and grace of God: but in general] I was more dry and barren than I have usually been of late upon such occasions.

Friday, Feb. 10, Was exceedingly oppressed most of the day, with shame, grief and fear, under a sense of my past folly, as well as present barrenness and coldness. When God sets before me my past misconduct, especially any instances of misguided zeal, it sinks my soul into shame and confusion, and makes me afraid of a shaking leaf. My fear is such as the prophet Jeremiah complains of, Jer. xx. 10. I have not confidence to hold up my face, even before my fellow-worms, only when my soul confides in God, and [ find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of humility, solemnity and mortification, alive in my soul. In the evening I was unexpectedly refreshed in pouring out my complaint to God; my shame and fear were turned into sweet composure and acquiescence in God.

Saturday, Feb. 11. Felt much as yesterday, enjoyed but little sensible communion with God.

Lord’s day, Feb. 12. My soul seemed to confide in God, and to repose itself on him. I had outgoings of soul after God in prayer. Enjoyed some divine assistance in the forenoon, in preaching; but in the afternoon, was more perplexed. Afterwards, found some relief in prayer. 1! loved, as a feeble, afflicted, despised creature, to cast myself on a God of infinite grace and goodness, hoping for no happiness but from him.

Monday, Feb. 18. Was calm and sedate in morningdevotions; and my soul seemed to rely on God. Rode to Stockbridge, and enjoyed some comfortable meditations by the way; had a more refreshing taste and relish of heavenly blessedness, than I have enjoyed for many months past. I have at times, of late, felt as ardent desires after holiness as ever, though not so much sensible enjoyment. My soul longed to leave earth, and bear a part with angels i in their celestial employments. I said, “ Lord, it is good to be here ;” and it appeared to me better to die, than to lose the relish of these heavenly delights.

[A sense of divine things seemed to continue with him, in a lesser degree, through the next day. On Wednesday he was, by some discourse that he heard, cast into a melancholy gloom, that operated much in the same manner as his melancholy: had formerly done, when he came first to Kaunaumeek; the effects of which seemed to continue in some degree the six following days.]

HS Wednesday, Feb. 22. In the morning, had as clear a sense of the exceeding pollution of my nature as ever I remember to have had in my life. I then appeared to myself inexpressibly lothsome and defiled; sins of childhood, of early youth, and such follies as I had not thought of for years together, come now fresh to my view, as if committed but yesterday, and appeared in the most odious colours. They appeared more in number than the hairs of my head; yea, they went over me as a heavy burden. In the evening, the hand of faith seemed to be strengthened in God; my soul rested and acquiesced in him. I was supported under my burdens, by reading the cxxvth psalm; found that it was sweet and comfortable to lean on God.

Thursday, Feb. 23. Was frequent in prayer, and enjoyed some assistance. There is a God in heaven that overrules all things for the best, and this is the comfort of my soul. “ T had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” In the evening, enjoyed some freedom in prayer, for myself, my friends, and the church of God.

Friday, Feb.24. Was exceeding restless and perplexed under a sense of the misim provement of time; mourned to see time pass away; felt in the greatest hurry; seemed to have every thing to do, yet could do nothing, but only grieve and mourn over my ignorance and unprofitableness, the folly of my thoughts and actions, the pride and bitterness of some of my past frames; all which, at this time appeared in lively colours, and filled me with shame. I could not compose my mind to any profitable studies, by reason of this pressure. And the reason, I judge, why I am not allowed to study great part of, my time, is, because I am endeavouring to lay in such a stock of knowledge as, shall. nourish, self-sufficiency. I know it to be my indispensable duty to study, and qualify myself. in the hest manner I can for public service: but this is my misery, I naturally study and prepare, that [ may “ consume it upon my lusts” of pride and self-confidence.

‘[He continued in much the same frame of uneasiness at the misimprovement of time, and pressure of spirit under a. sense of vileness and unprofitableness, for the six following, days; excepting some intervals of. calmness and composure, in resignation to, and confidence i in God.]

Friday, March 2. Was most of the day employed in writing on a divine subject. Was frequent in prayer, and enjoyed some small degree of assistance. But in the evening, God was pleased to grant me a divine sweetness in prayer; especially in the duty of intercession. 1 think, I never felt so much kindness and love to those who I have reason to believe are my enemies, (though at that time I found such a disposition to think the best of all, that I scarce knew how to think that any such thing as enmity and hatred lodged in any soul; it seemed as if all the world must needs be friends ;) and never prayed with more freedom and delight, for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for my enemies..

Saturday, March 3. In the morning, spent an hour in prayer, with great intenseness and freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind. 1 longed that those who bear me ill-will, might be eternally happy: it seemed refreshing to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they had injured me on earth: had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them, in order to reconciliation, nor of the exercise of love and kindness from them. Qh it is an emblem of heaven itself, to love all the world with a love of forgiveness and benevolence; to feel our souis sedate, mild, and meek; to be void of all evil surmisings and suspicions, and scarce able to think evil of any man upon any occasion; to find our hearts simple, open and free, to those that look upon us with a different eye. Prayer Was so sweet an exercise to me, that I knew not how to cease, lest I should lose the spirit of prayer. Felt no disposition to eat or drink, for the sake of the pleasure of it, but only to support my nature, and fit me for divine service. Could not be content without a very particular mention of a great number of dear friends at the throne of grace; as also’ the particular circumstances of many, so far as they were known.

Lord's day, March: 4. In the morning, enjoyed the same imtenseness in prayer as yesterday, though not in so great a degree: felt the saine spirit of love, universal benevolence, forgiveniess, humility, resignation, mortification to the world, and consposute of mind, as then. My soul rested in God, and L wanted: no other refuge or frend. While } thus trust it God, all things seem. to be at peace with me, even the’

H4 104 THE LIFE OF [PART Vv:

stones of the earth: but when | cannot apprehend and confide in God, all things appear with a different aspect.

[Through the four next days, he complains of barrenness, want of holy confidence in God, stupidity and wanderings of mind. He speaks also of being pressed under a sense of. his past follies, as well as present workings of corruption. On Friday, he seems to have been restored to-a considerable degree of the same excellent frame that he enjoyed the Saturday before.]

Saturday, March 10. In the morning, felt exceeding dead to the world and all its enjoyments. Thought I was ready and willing to give up life and all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet I had then as much comfort of life as almost ever I had. Life itself now appeared but an empty bubble; the riches, honours, and common enjoyments of life appeared extremely tasteless. 1 longed to be perpetually and entirely crucified to all things here below, by

. the cross of Christ. My soul was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal of me, in every respect; and I saw that nothing had happened to me but what was best. I confided in God, that he would “ never leave me,” though | should “ walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” It was then my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord, and die to the Lord. And I thought, that 1 then enjoyed such a heaven, as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could conceive of at another time. I did not wonder that Peter said, “ Lord, it is good to be here,” when thus refreshe ed with divine glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially felt a most sweet affection to some precious godly ministers of my acquaintance. Prayed earnestly for dear Christians, and for those I have reason to fear are my enemies. I could not have spoken a word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man living. Had a sense of my own great unwofthiness. My soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let his chil-

” dren love and receive me as one of their brethren and

fellow-citizens: and when I thought of their treating me in that manner, | longed to lie at their feet; and could think of PaRT v.| DAVID BRAINERD. 105

no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much better than myself.—Towards night I was very sorrowful, and seemed to myself the worst creature living. I could not pray, nor meiitate, nor think of holding up my face before the world. -Was a little relieved in prayer, in the evening; but longed to get on my knees, and ask forgiveness of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct, especially in my religious zeal_— Was afterwards much perplexed, so that J could not sleep quietly

- Lord’s day, March 11. My soul was in some measure strengthened in God, in morning-devotion; so that I was released from trembling, fear and distress. Preached from the parable of the sower, Matth. xiii. Enjoyed some assistance, both parts of the day; had some freedom, affection and fervency in addressing my poor people; longed that God should take hold of their hearts, and make them spiritually alive Indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking.*

Monday, March \2. In the morning was in a devout, tender avd loving frame of mind; enabled to cry to God, I hope, with a child-like spirit, with importunity, resignation, and composure of mind. My spirit was full of quietness and love to mankind, and longed that peace should reign on the earth; was grieved at the very thoughts of a fiery, and tntemperate zeal in religion; mourned over past follies in that respect. and my soul confided in God for strength and grace sufficient for my future work and trials—Spent the day chiefly in hard labour, making preparation for my intended journey..

Tuesday, March 13. Felt my soul going forth after God sometimes, but not with such ardency as | wished. In the evening, was enabled to continue instant in prayer, for some considerable time together; and especially had respect to the Journey 1 designed to undertake on the morrow, with the leave of divine providence. Enjoyed some freedom and fervency, intreating that the divine presence might attend

* This was the last Sabbath that ever he performed public service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons that ever he preached there, It appears by his diary, that while he continued with these Indians, he took great pains with them, and did it with much discretion; but the particular manner how, has been emitted for brevity’s sake. ~ 106° THE LIFE OF [PART ve

me in every place where my business might lead me; and had a particular reference to the trials and temptations £ might be more eminently exposed to in particular places. Was strengthened and comforted, although [ was before very weary. Truly “ the joy of the Lord is our strength.”

Wednesday, March 14. Enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer, repeating my petitions for God’s presence in every place where I expected to be in my journey. Besought the Lord that I might not be too much pleased and amused with dear friends and acquaintance, in one place and another. Near ten set out on my journey, and at night came to Stockbridge.

Thursday, March 15. Rode down to Sheffield. Here FE met a messenger from East-Hampton on Long-Island, who by the unanimous vote of that large town was sent to invite me thither, in order to settle with that people, where I had before been frequently invited. Seemed more at a loss what was my duty than before. When I heard of the great difficulties of that place, I was much concerned and grieved, and felt some desires to comply with their request; but knew not what.to do. Endeavoured to commit the case to God.

Lord’s day, March 18. At Salisbury. Was exceeding weak and faint, so that I could scarcely walk: but God was pleased to afford me much freedom, clearness and fervency in preaching. I have not had the like assistance in preachiag to sinners for many months past. Here another messenger met me, and informed. me of the vote of another congregation, to give me an invitation to come among them upon probation for settlement.* Was greatly exercised in mind with a weight and burden of care: oh that God would “ send forth faithful labourers into his harvest!”

[After this, he went forward on his journey towards New- York and New-Jersey, but proceeded slowly; performing his journey under a great degree of bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times by the way, being urged by friends; in which he had considerable assistance. He speaks of comfort in conversation with Christian friends, from time to.time, and of various things in the exercises and frames of his heart, that shew much of a divine influence on his mind

bd This congregation was that at Millington, near Haddam. They were very earnestly desirous of his coming among them. in this journey: yet he complains of the thing that he feared, viz.a decline of his spiritual life, or vivacity in religion, by means of his constant removal from place to place, and want of retirement. He came to New-York on Wednesday, March 28; and to Elisabeth-Town on the Saturday following, where jt seems he waited till the commissioners assembled.]

Thursday, April 5. Was again much exercised with weakness and pain in my head. Attended on the commissioners’ meeting.* Resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if divine providence permitted; although I had before felt some inclination to go to East-Hampton, where I was solicited to go.+

[After this, he continued two or three days in the Jerseys, very ill, and then returned to New-York; from thence in New-England, and to his native town of Haddam; where he

* The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number; and Mr. Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to be willing that he should leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly under Mr. Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere. He therefore went this journey to New-Jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners who met at Elisabeth-Town on this occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and goto the Delaware Indians.

t By the invitations Mr. Brainerd had lately received, it appears, that it was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle in the ministry amongst the English, notwithstanding the disgrace he had been laid under at college, that he was determined:-to forsake all the outward comforts to be enjoyed in the English settlements, to go and spend his life among savages, and endure the difficulties and, self-denials of an Indian mission. Just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, he had an earnest invitation to a settlement at East- Hampton on Long Island, the pleasautest town on the whole Island, and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and fora long time continued in an camest. pursuit of what they desired, and.were hardly brought to relinquish their endeavours and give up their hopes of obtaining him. Nor did Mr. Brainerd chuse the business of a missionary to the Indians, rather than accept-of Such invitations, because he was uvacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended sucha service. He had had experience of these difficulties ia summer and winter; having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, and been the subject of a train of outward and inward. sorrows, which were now. ftesh in his mind, Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on with this bypiness; and that although the place hc was now going to, was at a still mach rater distance from most of his,friends and native land. arrived on Saturday, April 14.——Still he complains of the want of retirement, and while in New-York, says, “ Oh, it is not the pleasures of the world can comfort me. If God deny his presence, what are the pleasures of the city to me? One hour of sweet retirement where God is, is better than the whole world.” He continues to cry out of his ignorance, meanness and unworthiness; yet speaks of some seasons of special divine assistance. He spent some days among his friends at East-Hampton and Millington.]

Tuesday, April 17. Rode to Millington again; felt perplexed when I set out; was feeble in body, and weak in faith. I.was going to preach a lecture, and feared I should never have assistance enough to get through. But contriving to ride - alone, at a distance from the company that was going, I spent the time in lifting up my heart to God: had not gone far before my soul was abundantly strengthened with those words; “ If God be for us, who can be against us?” I went on, confiding in God; and fearing nothing so much as self- ‘confidence. In this frame 1 went to the house of God, and enjoyed some assistance. Afterwards felt the spirit of love and meekness in conversation with some friends. Then rode home to my brother’s; and in the evening, singing hymns with friends, my soul seemed to melt. In prayer afterwards, I enjoyed the exercise of faith, and was enabled to be fervent in spirit: found more of God’s presence than I have done any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on apace. I longed to fill up the remaining moments all for God. Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching, and much private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all night to do something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Wednesday, April 18. Was very weak, and enjoyed but _ little spiritual comfort. Was exercised with one cavilling

against original sin. May the Lord open his eyes to see the fountain of sin in himself!

[After this, he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and ‘then travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant’s at Stockbridge, Thursday, April 26. He performed this journey in a very weak state of body, attended with his usual exercises of mind; at times rejoicing to think that so much more of his work was done, and he so much nearer to the eternal world.]

Friday, April27. Spent some time in visiting friends, and discoursing with my people, who were now moved down from their own place to Mr. Sergeant’s, and found them very glad to see me returned. Was exercised with a sense of my own unworthiness.

Lord’s day, April 29. Preached for Mr. Sergeant, both parts of the day, from Rev. xiv. 4. Enjoyed some freedom, though not much spirituality. In the evening, my heart was in some measure lifted up in thankfulness to God for any assistance.

Monday, Aprii 30. Rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; did not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house.

Tuesday, May 1. Having received new orders to go toa number of Indians on Delaware river in Pensylvania, and my people here being mostly removed to Mr. Sergeant’s, I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and disposed of them. I then set out for Delaware river, and made it in my way to return to Mr. Sergeant’s in the evening. Rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, though in a state of feebleness and great affliction.

{He continued at Stockbridge the next day; and on Thursday rodea little way, to Sheffield, under a great degree of illness; but with encowagement and chearfulness of mind amidst all his fatigues. On Friday, he rode to Salisbury, and continued there till after the sabbath. He speaks of being refreshed in conversation with some Christian friends, about their heavenly home and their journey thither: at other times he speaks of himself as exceedingly perplexed with barrenness and deadness. On Monday he rode to Sharon; and still complains of the mis-improvement of time.]

Tuesday, May 8. Set out from Sharon in Connecticut; travelled about forty-five miles to a place called the Fish-kit,*

* Aplace so called in New-York government, near Hudson’s river, on the West side of the river. and lodged there. While riding I spent much of my time in prayer, that God would go with me to Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness, I knew not where: but still it was comfortable to think, that others of God’s children had “wandered about in caves and dens of the earth ;” and Abraham, when he was called to go forth, “ went out, not knowing whither he went.” Oh that I might follow after God!.

[The next day, he went forward on his journey; crossed Hudson’s river, and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and 80 travelled across the woods, from Hudson’s river to Delaware, about a hundred miles, through a desolate and hideous country, above New-Jersey; where were very few settlements, In this journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visited some Indians in the way,* and discoursed with them concerning Christianity. _Was considerably melancholy and disconsolate, being alone in a strange wilderness. On Saturday, he came to a settlement of Irish and Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks of Delaware. ],

Lord’s day, May 18. Rose early; felt: very: poorly after my long journey, and after being wet and fatigued. Was very melancholy; have s¢arce ever seen such 2 gloomy morning in my life; there appeared to be no sabbath; the children were all at play; 1 a stranger in the wilderness, and knew not where to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs dark aid discouraging. Was

‘disappointed respecting an interpreter, and heard that the Indians were much scattered. I mourned after the presence of God, and seemed like a creature banished from his sight; yet he was pleased to support my sinking soul, amidst all my sorrows; so that I never entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians; but was comforted to think, that death would ere long set me free from these distresses, —— Rode about three or four miles to the.Irish people, where I found some that appeared sober and concerned

* See Mr. Brainerd’s Narrative, in a letter to Mr. Pemberton, at.the end of his ordination sermon,. about religion. My heart then began to be a little encouraged; went and preached, first to the Irish and then to the Indians; and in the evening, was a little comforted. My soul seemed to rest on God and take courage: oh that he would be my support and comforter in an evil world.

Monday, May 14. Was very busy in some necessary stu. dies. Felt myself loosened from the world: all appeared “vanity and vexation of spirit.” Lonesome and disconsolate, I felt as if I was banished from all mankind, and bereaved of all that is pleasurable in life; but appeared to myself so vile and unworthy, that it seemed fitter for me to be here than any where else.

Tuesday, May 15. Still much engaged in my studies, and enjoyed more health than for some time past: but was de» jected in spirit with a sense of my meanness. It seemed as if I could never do any thing. at all to any good purpose, by Feason of ignorance and folly: oh that a sense of these things might work more habitual humility.

Thursday, May 17. Was this day greatly distressed witha sense of my vileness; appeared: to myself too bad to walk on God’s earth, or to be treated with kindness by any of his creatures. God was pleased to let me see my inward pollution and: corruption. to such a degree, that I almost despaired of being made holy. “Oh wretched man that I am; who shall deliver me from. the body of this death?” In the.afternoon, met with the Indians, according to appointment, and preached to them. My soul seemed to confide in God; had some relief and enlargement in prayer, and some assistance in.the duty of intercession; vital piety and holiness appeared sweet to me, andI longed for the perfection of it.

Friday, May 18. Felt again something of the power of religion; and my soul seemed to confide in God, that he would never leave me. But oftentimes saw myself so meancreature, that I knew not how to think of Preaching: 0 oh. that I could always live to, and upon.God!

Saturday, May 19. Part of the time | was greatly oppressed with the weight and burden of my work; it seemed impossible for me ever to go through with what 1 had undertaken. Towards night, was very calm and comfortable; and I think, my soul trusted in God for help.

- Lord's day, May 20.. Preached twice to the poor Indians, and enjoyed some freedom, while 1 attempted to remove Ne THE LIFE OF [PART V.

their prejudices against Christianity. My soul longed for assistance from above, all the while; for I-saw | had no strength sufficient for the work. Afterwards, preached to the Irish people; was much assisted in the first prayer, and in preaching.- Several persons seemed concerned for their souls, with whom I discoursed afterwards with freedom and power. Blessed be God for any assistance afforded to an unworthy worm: ob that I could live to bim!

[Through the rest of this week, he was sometimes ready to sink with a sense of his unworthiness and unfitness for the work of the ministry; and sometimes encouraged and lifted above his fears and sorrows, and was enabled confidently to rely on God On Saturday evening especially, he enjoyed calmness and composure, and assistance in prayer. He rejoiced “ That God remains unchangeably powerful and faithful, a sure and sufficient portion, and the dwelling-place of his children in all generations.”]

Lord’s day, May 27. Visited my Indians in the morning, and attended upon a funeral among them; was affected to see their Heathenish practices. Ob that they might be “ turned from darkness to light!” Afterwards, got a considerable number of them together, and preached to them. I observed them very attentive. After this, preached to the white people from Heb. ii. 8. Was enabled to speak with some freedom and power: several people seemed much concerned about their souls, especially one who had been educated a Roman catholic. Blessed be the Lord for any. help.

Monday, May 28. Set out from the Indians above the Forks of Delaware, on a journey towards Newark in New- Jersey, according to my orders. Rode through the wildermess; was much fatigued with the heat; lodged at a place. called Black-River; was exceedingly tired and worn out.

[On Tuesday he came to Newark. The next day, went to Elisabeth-Town; on Thursday, he went to New-York; and on Friday returned to Elisabeth-Town. These days were attended with some perplexity. He continued at Elisabeth-Town till Friday in the week following. Was enlivened, refreshed and strengthened on the sabbath at the Lord’s table. The ensuing days of the week were spent chiefly ih studies preparatory to his ordination; and on some of them he seemed to have much of God’s gracious presence, and of the influences of his Spirit; but was in a very weak state of body. On Saturday, he rode to Newark.]-

Lord’s day, June 10. At Newark. In the morning, was much concerned how I should perform the work of the day, and trembled at the thoughts of being left to myself. Enjoyed very considerable assistance in all parts of the public service. Had an opportunity again to attend on the ordinance of the Lord’s supper, and through divine goodness was refreshed by it. My soul was full of love and tenderness towards the children of God, and towards all men; felt a cere tain sweetness of disposition towards every creature. At night I enjoyed more spirituality, and desire after holiness, than I have felt for some time: was afraid of every thought and every motion, dest thereby my heart should be drawn away from God. “ Lord, in thy presence is fulness of j joy: oh the blessedness of living to thee.

Monday, June 11. This day the presbytery met together at Newark, in order to my ordination. Was very weak and disordered in body; yet endeavoured to repose my confidence inGod. Spent most of the day alone, especially the forenoon. At three in the afternoon preached my probation ser= mon, from ‘Acts xxvi..17, 18, being a text given me for that purpose. Felt not well, either in body or mind; however, God carried me through comfortably. Afterwards, passed anh examination before the presbytery. Was much tired, and my mind burdened with the greatness of that charge I was in the most solemn manner about to take upon me. I was so pressed with the weight of the work incumbent upon me, that I could not sleep this night, though very weary and i in great need of rest..

Tuesday, June 12. Was this morning further examined, respecting my experimental acquaintance with Christianity.*

* Mr, Pemberton, in a letter to the Honourable society i in Scotland that eme ployed Mr. Brainerd, which he wrote concerning him, (published in Scotland, in The Christian Monthly History,) writes thus, “ We can with pleasure say, that Mr. Brainerd passed through his ordination-trials, to the universal approbation of the presbytery, and appeared uncommonly qualified for the work of the ministry. He seems to be armed with a great deal of self-denial, and an mated with a noble zeal to propagate the gospel among those: barbarous nations,

who have long dwelt in the darkness of Heathenism.” -

114. THE LIFE OF (PART ¥;

At ten o’clock my ordination was attended to; the serthon preached by the Rev. Mr. Pemberton. At this time I was affected with a sense of the important trust committed to me; yet composed and solemn, without distraction. I hope; I then (as many times before) gave up myself to God, to be for him, and not for another. Oh that I might always be engaged in his service, duly remémbering the solemn charge i have received, in thé presence of God, angels, and men. Amen. May I be assisted of God for this purpose—Towards night, rode to Elisabeth-Town.

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