Corrie ten Boom, Her Story
And how shall they preach, except they be sent?
Romans 10:15
22. When You Are Tempted
to Ouit
THE ENEMY TRIES to make everything work out for the worst. Usually it is not the big problems which depress me, but the multitude of inconveniences which stack up like small rocks to form an immovable mountain. Recently a series of such small incidents almost caused me to resign my commission from the Lord.
In my journeyings I often have to cross borders between countries. Knowing that smuggling is sin, I do not do it. My first irritation came through an encounter with a customs official.
"Do you have anything to declare?" he asked rudely. "Yes," I replied. "Nylon stockings." I had put them on top of my luggage to show him, for I knew that at that time it was necessary to pay duty on such items.
"There are four pair here," he said. "You told me one pair." "No, I did not!" I answered. But he did not believe me. For the next hour he searched my baggage. He tried all the little boxes to see if they had false bottoms. He squeezed my tooth-paste tube to see if it contained diamonds. He checked my shoes for false heels which might contain drugs. He felt the hem of my dresses to see if I had sewn pearls into them. He almost pulled the lining out of my suitcases. Of course he found nothing at all and finally allowed me to pass—after paying the duty on the four pair of stockings. I was both offended and unhappy.
Later I understood why this incident had made me so upset. I had not surrendered my self-righteousness. I was so sure of my own honesty that I suffered from the consequence of wounded pride. It is easier to surrender one's sins than one's virtues!
Unaware of the reason for my depression, I then discovered that I had missed my plane connections due to the delay in the customs office. I was forced to sleep on a couch in the ladies' room at the airport. However, I am a good sleeper and enjoyed a sound slumber. When I awoke, the amazed cleaning woman (who was sweeping the floor around my couch) said with admiration, "How wonderful to be able to sleep so soundly with so much noise going on around you."
Eventually the plane on which I was traveling flew into a storm making me feel airsick. Then the night following my arrival there was an earthquake. I hate earthquakes for they remind me of the bombs that fell during the war.
Then the kind people who should have arranged my meetings greeted my arrival with, "We thought you needed a holiday and rest so we have not organized anything." Sometimes this is God's plan, but more often it is just a sign of people's laziness to make preparation. So I did not appreciate the fact they had not arranged any meetings for me.
The final inconvenience—the one which caused me almost to give up completely—had to do with my room. My hosts put me in a small room that had no writing table. Ordinarily this would not have disturbed me for I am used to writing on my knee, but on top of everything else that had happened, I crumpled like the camel loaded with straw. I blew up.
The reason was not hard to find. Self-pity had come into my heart. Self-pity is a nasty sin and the devil uses it and always starts his talks with "Poor Corrie."
This time he began by saying, "Why must you always live out of your suitcases? Stay at home and then you won't have trouble with customs officials, passports, luggage, plane connections, and other things. Every night you will be able to sleep in the same comfortable bed; and there are no earthquakes in Holland. After all, you are no longer young. You've lived like a tramp for many, many years. It is time to hang up your harness and retire into a nice green pasture. Let someone else do the work. You've earned your reward."
By this time I was nodding. "Yes, yes, Satan, you are right." So, having listened to his advice I wrote a friend in Holland who managed an international guest house where at the time I had a room kept for me with my own few pieces of furniture.
"T believe the time has now come for me to work in Holland," I wrote. "I am tired of all this traveling and I cannot stand having wheels beneath me any longer. Will you arrange to have a desk—a big one—put in front of the window in my room; and an easy chair—a very easy one—on the right. .. ." In my fantasy I had worked out a lovely dream of heaven here on earth, and me in the middle of it!
That afternoon I posted the letter and then came back to my room to look over my calendar. I jotted down all the names of people I would have to write, canceling my appointments. Everyone would understand. Had not many said, "My, you must be tired at your age!" ?
TRAMP FOR THE LORD 283
Everything would have gone all right (or perhaps I should be truthful and say "all wrong") had I not picked up my Bible. This old, black Bible has been my guidebook in times of light and in times of darkness. I began to read, asking, "Lord, what would You have me to do?"
I opened to the Book of Romans, chapter 10. "How shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? .. . As it is written, how beautiful are the feet of them that preach the Gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things." (See verses 14, 15.)
I remembered the words of a paratrooper instructor. He said that when he had his men in the plane and they were over the battlefield he gave four commands.
FIRST Attention! Lift up your eyes (John 4:35). SECOND — Stand in the door! Look upon the fields, for they are white already to harvest (John 4:35). THIRD Hook up! Be ye filled with the Holy Spirit (see John 20:22). FORTH Follow me! J will make you fishers of men (Mark 1:17).
I sat for a long time—thinking. It is not our task to give God instructions. We are to simply report for duty.
I laid my Bible on the bed and picked up pen and paper. Balancing the pad clumsily on my knee I wrote my friend in Holland.
Forget about that last letter I wrote. I am not coming home to Holland. I refuse to spend the rest of my life in a pasture when there are so many fields to harvest. I hope to die in harness.