When Nathan turned thirteen, he didn’t just have a birthday.
He had a birth-month.
Dave and I wanted Nathan to know that as he officially became a teenager, he wasn’t stepping through the hallway from childhood to adolescence alone.
He had a team who walked through that passageway with him, cheering him on.
So two months before his birthday, Dave, Nathan, and I identified five men who were already influential in his life.
We emailed each man, asking him if he’d be open to spending a few hours with Nathan during his birthday month.
In addition to their using those hours to make a deposit into their relational account with Nathan, we also asked each to share with Nathan one piece of life advice and one piece of spiritual advice.
These men are busy fathers and grandfathers, but to our delight, each accepted.
So five different men — ages thirty-seven to seventy-two — spent a few hours with Nathan that month.
From golfing to a sunrise hike, these men shared memories, life stories, advice, and prayers.
As Nathan recounted to Dave and me what he had learned from each man, we were filled with gratitude to God for these godly men who were pouring themselves into Nathan and our family.
To memorialize the time with these five men, Dave and Nathan built a wooden “team box” the size of a shoebox.
In the box, we placed
pictures of Nathan with each man, as well as a written copy of each man’s spiritual and life advice.
As God brings other amazing men across Nathan’s path, we plan on asking them to spend some time with Nathan and adding their pictures and advice to Nathan’s team box.
The box now sits on Nathan’s bookshelf, a palpable reminder of the amazing men who are already on Nathan’s team, as well as those who we pray will join in future years.
Dave and I are not that creative.
We never would have come up with this ritual that we’ve already done with Nathan — and plan to do with our two daughters as they turn thirteen — without the insights and ideas that emerged during our years of Sticky Faith research.
Sticky Findings
The Power of Intergenerational Worship and Relationships
When we launched our research, we were hoping to find a silver bullet that would lead to lasting faith in young people.
We would have loved to uncover
the step that every church or family could take to guarantee faith as the final destination.
The reality is that the journey toward Sticky Faith is too long and rocky to allow one step to be that determinative.
Our team never found a silver bullet.
But we have found what we call “silver shavings.”
We studied the effects of thirteen different youth group participation variables, meaning thirteen various activities the typical church offers teenagers.
You’ll be glad to learn that service and short-term mission trips, small groups, student leadership, and retreats are important in building faith that lasts.
But the variable most correlated with mature faith in high school and college — the silver shavings of Sticky Faith — is involvement in intergenerational worship and relationships.
In our study of five hundred youth group graduates, bringing the generations to sit shoulder-to-shoulder or look eye-to-eye was more important for long-term faith than any other youth group activity.
Bringing the generations together isn’t a new idea, nor is it even our idea at the Fuller Youth Institute.
Scripture is full of references to the power of God’s activity through the generations, and how the generations need to declare examples of God’s work to each other.
It’s impossible for us to “make [God’s] faithfulness known through all generations” (Ps.
89:1) if our congregations are permanently divided into age-segregated classes, communities, and worship experiences.
While Intergenerational Connections Are Important, They Are Infrequent
As researchers, we weren’t shocked when youth group kids who ranked five major sources of support (adults in the congregation, parents, youth workers, friends in youth group, and friends outside of youth group) listed adults in the congregation last.
What did surprise us was how far behind the other four groups they were.
One youth group graduate said that at her church, the adults seem to “see us as kind of scary because we’re the people on the news who are dealing drugs and getting pregnant.
They keep us separate and treat us like we are a hazard.”
Even in times of personal struggle, young people are often adrift from adults in the church.
Another study found that two-thirds of young adults who regularly attended a church or synagogue at the time of their parents’ divorce report that no one — from either the clergy or the congregation — reached out to them.
Outside of the faith community, young people similarly lack intergenerational anchors.
According to research conducted by the Search Institute, only 45 percent of middle and high school students have three or more caring adults (outside of their parents) they can turn to for advice and support.
Young People Benefit from at Least Five Supportive Adults
One study examining young adults who drop out of church found that 18 percent of youth group graduates who remain connected to the church had five or more adults invest in them spiritually and personally between ages fifteen and eighteen.
That finding aligns with an astute recommendation made by our good friend and Fuller Seminary colleague Dr. Chap Clark.
For the last few years, Chap has advocated that we need to “reverse the adult-to-kid ratio” in children’s and youth ministries.
What does that mean?
Many ministry leaders say they want to have one adult present for every five kids during small group meetings, Sunday school classes, or youth group activities.
Chap’s encouragement is to
reverse that ratio so that instead of having one adult for every five kids, we have five adults for every one kid — 5:1.
We’re not talking about five Bible study leaders.
Nor are we talking about five adults to whom you outsource the spiritual, emotional, social, and intellectual development of your children.
We’re talking about five adults who know your kids’ names.
Who pray for them.
Who show up occasionally at your kids’ gymnastics meets or volleyball tournaments.
Five adults whom you have vetted as safe and caring people who can form a web of support to catch your kids when they stumble and fall.
The importance of surrounding young people with a team of caring adults is well captured in the term “social capital.”
The core idea of social capital is that social networks have value, increasing the productivity and well-being of individuals and groups.
The value of social capital in the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health of children and teenagers has been well documented.
In his widely acclaimed book
Bowling Alone, Harvard University faculty member Robert D. Putnam summarizes, “Statistically, the correlation between high social capital and positive youth development is as close to perfect as social scientists ever find in data analyses of this sort.”
As parents, we can play a role in helping develop this support network for our kids.
Having surveyed the research on children’s social networks, Stanford University professor William Damon writes, “Parents do have the power to shape the forces that influence their children’s development — more power than they may know, both within and beyond the confines of their own homes.
The key to unleashing this power is to resist the isolation that has divided and confused households throughout our society.”
What if my child doesn’t want to go to church or youth group?
Should I make them go?
My answers to these questions have changed over the years.
Previously I would have responded, “You should make them go.
They need to know church is a priority.”
That’s still my general answer for parents of elementary and middle school children.
My answer for high school students has become more nuanced.
What has changed?
In addition to studying the steps to Sticky Faith described in this guide, I’ve also spent more time studying the ultimate nature of the church.
The Greek word used by Paul in the New Testament for “church” is
ekklesia, which is derived from two words: ek, meaning “from” or “out of,” and
kaleo, meaning “to call.”
For Paul, “the church” literally means “those who are called out of.”
He never meant a building; he always meant a group of people.
Given this understanding of “church” as a people and not a place, if your teenager resists attending church, you might try some of these suggestions:
Figure out why.
Observe your child at youth group or around your church worship services.
Talk with them about what they don’t like about your church and what they wish were different.
My experience is that about two-thirds of the time, teenagers don’t like church because they don’t feel they have friends there.
They might say the teaching is boring or the worship music is lame, but if they had a close friend or two, they could stomach the rest.
Talk with your church’s youth leader.
As a youth leader, I appreciate hearing from parents when their child is struggling to fit in, because it makes me extra attentive to that child when they walk in our door.
Brainstorm with your youth leader about who might be a good friendship fit for your child, and perhaps mention those students to your child.
Encourage your child to connect with other kids who seem alone.
If your child’s disdain for church ultimately stems from their understandable fear that they will feel alone, encourage them to look for other kids who seem to sit or stand by themselves.
Too many times, teenagers look at the clusters of kids who sit together, and conclude that everyone already has friends at youth group — not realizing that the perimeter of the room is full of single students like them.
Give your child a choice of attending one overnighter in the next six months.
As I say in
, I’ve found that one overnighter or weekend away is the friendship-building equivalent to six months of attending Sunday youth group.
Get the youth group calendar for the next six months and ask your child to choose one overnighter to attend.
Consider consulting with your church’s youth pastor about which trip is most likely to help your child grow social roots.
Offer a “youth group” alternative.
As you’ve already learned in this chapter, there’s far more to your student’s long-term faith than attending youth group.
Perhaps you could tell your teenager that they can skip youth group but need to regularly attend another Christ-centered community — such as a small group, your church’s weekend worship services, or an on-campus parachurch ministry like Young Life, Youth for Christ, or Fellowship of Christian Athletes.
Connect them with a mentor.
Some teenagers just don’t jibe with youth ministry, no matter the flavor.
Look for an adult your child already knows and trusts (or ask your youth pastor for any leads), and approach that person about meeting regularly with your teenager as a mentor.
One-on-one discipleship might turn out to be something that keeps your son or daughter connected to the
ekklesia.
Allow your child to attend a different church.
If your teenager is drawn to a youth ministry at another church that is Christ-centered and vibrant, don’t fight that momentum.
Let them attend that youth group, either in addition to your church’s or instead of it.
You may even want to attend that church periodically to show your kids you want to walk with them through their faith-development journey.
The Church and Your Own Friends and Family Are a Hotbed for Intergenerational Relationships
Our team’s interviews with fifty Sticky Faith parents revealed that one of the primary ways the church contributes to kids’ faith is by providing intergenerational connections.
Parents seemed more grateful for the church’s role in creating intergenerational relationships — often through the youth group and the youth leaders — than for anything else the church provided for their kids, including Scripture study, prayer, worship, peer community, or other communal spiritual practices.
When I turned sixteen, my parents moved away, but I wanted to finish high school, so I moved in with another family.
After church and during the week, I would often go to the houses of other families at church and have so many good conversations.
The adults at church became like my family.
— Rachel
The five hundred youth group graduates we surveyed commonly reported that many of their strongest intergenerational connections were with their parents’ friends or with extended family.
The neighbor their mom walks with every Wednesday sent them emails in college, asking how she could be praying.
Their uncle mailed a care package to their dorm room, complete with homemade brownies and a coffee gift card.
It was often small gestures of care, taken by extended family or parents’ friends, that made big impressions on young people.
That’s good news for parents who wonder how to begin building a team of five adults for their kids.
You likely need to look no farther than your close friends, family, and local church.
Grandparents are often such key players in a family’s intergenerational team that
is entirely devoted to ideas for senior adults.
Sticky Ideas
Which Adults Do You Like?
One mom with teenage daughters has realized she doesn’t have to keep her kids’ 5:1 team a secret from them.
Periodically she asks her daughters, “What adults do you like?
Which of our relatives would you like to get to know better?”
She mentally files away their answers so that when their family has free time for lunch after church on Sunday or her daughters face a tough championship softball game, she knows whom to invite along.
Our daughter has a couple of friends who have really amazing moms.
These other moms have become our daughter’s mentors.
They pray for her and love her in ways that have been invaluable.
These two women are very different from me, so she gets a different take on things from these wonderful women of faith.
— Marilyn
Another mom and dad with children in elementary school ask this same question and then use those adults as babysitters when needed.
Your Family
• If you were to ask your kids, “Which adults do you like?”
who would you guess they would mention?
• Instead of guessing, when can you actually ask your kids that question?
• How can you involve those adults more in the life of your family?
5:1 Wallet Card
Barbara’s nine-year-old daughter, Emma, was asked by her teacher to write a list of the five adults who were most important to her, outside of her parents.
Pleased by this exercise, Barbara wanted this list to leave an indelible 5:1 mark on Emma.
First, Barbara asked Emma to place the names and phone numbers of those five people in Emma’s wallet and in her school notebook so she’d always have them with her.
Second, Barbara encouraged Emma to call each of the five, letting them know that she had listed them for school and now carries around with her their names and phone numbers.
Imagine how it would feel to get that call from Emma, informing you that she had selected you as one of the five adults most important to her.
The beauty of 5:1 is that it’s powerful not only for the kids but also for the adults.
Because of our intergenerational covenant group, our kids grew up knowing they could call on any one of the adults for help.
We met so much together that the adults understood who each kid was: their personality, friendships, spiritual growth, and painful moments.
All of the kids in the group — many of whom are now adults — know beyond a shadow of a doubt we are there for them unconditionally.
— Ronaldo
Your Family
• What could you do to help your kids carry around with them the names and phone numbers of five adults?
• How would those five adults be encouraged if they knew how meaningful they were to your family?
Intergenerational Small Groups
A number of Sticky Faith families have developed intergenerational small groups to create a two-way street with other families.
Not only do parents know that these adults have joined their kids’ 5:1 team, but also they in turn get a green light to be part of other families’ teams.
Various Sticky Faith parents have found the following helpful in their intergenerational small groups.
• Start with dinner together and some initial sharing over the meal.
As the conversation deepens, allow younger children to peel off and head to another room.
• Take turns having each adult spend thirty to forty-five minutes (meaning basically the entire “content” of the meeting) sharing their spiritual autobiography, noting the people and experiences God has used to mold them.
• If meeting every other week, have an optional casual dinner together on alternate weeks.
No one from the same family can sit next to each other at these dinners.
• Study books of the Bible together.
• Act out various passages of Scripture together.
• Share prayer requests and pray aloud for each other.
• Make sure to stay in touch between meetings, not only to share updates and prayer requests but also to invite other families to attend your kids’ events.
School plays, basketball tournaments, and Girl Scout ceremonies are all opportunities for small group members to show up and say (whether verbally or merely by their presence), “I’m part of your team.”
• Capitalize on rhythms of the year, such as birthdays, the start of the school year, or the start of the calendar year, to allow group members to share and pray about fears, goals, and dreams.
Our research motivated our family to start our own intergenerational small group.
Five years ago we invited a family in our life stage, a family ten years younger and still having babies, and a couple in their seventies to form a small group with our family.
While Dave and I have each had plenty of small group experiences, they’ve always been with people in our life stage (and often of our own gender).
Those past small groups have been great, but this intergenerational small group trumps them all.
We’ve walked through everything from kindergarten to retirement together, and it has felt so right for all of us — from our youngest group member, at age two, to our oldest, at age seventy-three — to journey through those experiences with people from different generations.
I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I’m part of a group of women who started meeting more than twenty years ago every Wednesday when our kids were little.
We are still meeting together.
These women are my soul sisters.
My kids know that those friends have their best interest at heart and are praying for them.
Other people often say, “I’m praying for you,” but a lot of them don’t really mean it.
My kids know these women mean it.
— Leigh
When we started meeting, we let the kids choose the name for the group.
They chose Viper.
So I’m a forty-four-year-old whose primary small group is called Viper.
Your Family
• If you’re currently part of a small group, how do the members of that group already invest in your kids?
• How could the folks in that small group play a greater role in your kids’ lives?
What could you do to be part of the 5:1 team for the kids in another member’s family?
• If you’re not part of a small group, what would it look like for you to start an intergenerational small group?
How would that type of small group benefit you and your kids?
Path to Manhood
Ken wanted Danny’s sixteenth birthday to be about more than cake, balloons, or even a driver’s license.
Ken wanted Danny to understand that he was now walking the path to manhood.
So Ken handpicked ten of his male friends and relatives who modeled godly characteristics that he hoped Danny would emulate.
Ken asked each man to write down specific advice for Danny about that characteristic, including Scripture verses that had helped him develop that quality.
One Saturday morning, Ken invited Danny to take a walk around a lake.
He explained that this particular walk represented Danny’s journey into manhood.
Interspersed around the lake were Ken’s ten friends and family members.
As Ken and Danny made their way around the lake, each of the ten joined them to share what they had written and to pray for Danny.
Not only does Danny now have a written copy of that tenfold advice, but also he knows ten men who are willing to continue walking with him as he journeys into adulthood.
Your Family
• Which birthday(s) do you consider especially important to highlight as your kids mature?
• How could you involve members of your kids’ 5:1 team in those birthdays?
5:1 Journal
Julio had always wanted to walk with his son, Alberto, through some sort of literal path to manhood, but somehow he was never able to make it happen.
So he came up with a different — yet equally powerful — idea that better fit his family.
Prior to Alberto’s eighteenth birthday, Julio gave a number of Alberto’s mentors a small sheet of paper, asking them to write down what they appreciated about Alberto and any advice they wanted to share with him.
So Alberto’s music teacher wrote about the importance of discipline, his youth pastor nudged Alberto toward purity in dating, the tech guy at their church encouraged Alberto to periodically unplug from technology, and Alberto’s grandmother described the lessons she hoped he had learned from all the years they played Scrabble, alternating between English and Spanish.
Julio collected those papers and compiled them (along with some pictures) in a special leather-bound journal as a birthday gift for Alberto.
Alberto is very grateful that his dad went to the trouble of creating the journal, and Julio is very grateful to God for the friends and family who are part of his son’s team.
When our kids were teenagers, we reached out to our neighborhood and started a Bible study.
Looking back, we should have integrated our kids more into that study.
They observed, but they weren’t really a part of those relationships.
— Benson
Your Family
• What adults are already significantly shaping your child?
• What would it mean to your child to receive written advice and notes of appreciation from those adults?
Dads’ Camping
Glyn’s wife was more of a hotel person than a camping person.
Since Glyn wanted to expose his kids to the fine art of camping, he invited a few other dads and their kids to spend a weekend at a campsite about forty-five minutes away from where they lived.
That was four years ago, and every year since then the trip has grown, both in quantity and in impact.
Last spring, seven dads (including Glyn’s brother-in-law) and their twenty-two kids went away for a forty-eight-hour camping trip together.
As they took hikes, swam at a nearby beach, cooked over an open fire, and roasted marshmallows, dads and kids cross-pollinated.
While these families are all part of the same church, the two days give the men and kids exponentially more opportunities to laugh and talk (as well as play practical jokes) than does the typical Sunday at church.
In case you’re wondering, none of the moms has yet to complain about their annual weekend alone.
Your Family
• What opportunities do your kids already have to get to know other adults through weekend or weeklong trips?
• Whether or not you’re a camping person, what type of overnighters with other families would fit your family habits and schedule?
Science Fair Project Bonding
Tina was a single parent whose eighth-grade daughter, Lauren, had to do a project for her school’s science expo.
Lauren decided to focus on roller coasters but was intimidated at the prospect of building a model of a local roller coaster.
Tina shared this dilemma with her small group, and one of the senior adults in the group who had a background in carpentry volunteered to work with Lauren.
The rest of the small group chipped in to supply the wood, tools, and paint needed.
By the end, the roller coaster was quite a
masterpiece.
It was so large and elaborate that Lauren had to keep measuring it to make sure it would fit through the front door of their apartment.
Because the small group was so invested in Lauren’s roller coaster, they wanted to come to the science expo.
The school had limited the number of tickets per student, so Lauren had to get special permission for that many guests.
As Lauren explained to her teacher, “This is my small group, they want to be there, and I’d like them to be there.”
Fifteen Ways to Show Kids (Yours and Others’) That You Care
1.
Ask them about school.
2.
Find out their extracurricular activity schedule and go to at least one game, recital, or show.
3.
Call them and sing to them on their birthday.
4.
Swing by their house with ice cream after they’ve had a spectacular day.
5.
Swing by their house with ice cream after they’ve had a lousy day.
6.
Keep your promises, no matter how small.
7.
Text them and share your three favorite things about them.
8.
Find out their favorite candy and give it to them for no reason at all.
9.
Give them your undivided attention.
10.
Ask them how you can be praying for them.
And then pray.
11.
A week after you asked them how you can be praying for them, loop back and find out how they’re doing.
12.
Learn their top hobbies or interests and then connect them with someone you know who can teach them more about what’s special to them.
13.
Let them choose the music in the car, and learn why they lean toward that style.
14.
Send them something — anything — in the mail.
15.
Give them your phone number and let them know they can call you at any time, whether they need help or just to talk.
Your Family
• School projects can easily make not just kids but also parents feel like they are drowning in deadlines and poster board.
What adults (maybe even retired adults) could step in and throw your family a lifeline?
• How would partnering with other adults in school projects strengthen the team of Sticky Faith adults surrounding your family?
Parent-Teacher Conferences at Your Church
Just about every school in the US hosts annual or semiannual parent-teacher conferences.
Parent-teacher conferences provide both sides with an opportunity to communicate and to develop a customized plan to help each individual child.
Inspired by your local school, you can try requesting a parent-teacher conference with your child’s Sunday school teacher, small group leader, or pastor.
When you do so, explain that your goal is to strengthen your family’s connection with that teacher because you view them as an important part of your family’s team.
You might want to send a few questions to that teacher ahead of time so that they can be prepared.
Some possible questions include:
• What do you hope will happen this year in the class or group?
• What unique strengths or challenges does my child seem to have?
• What insights about God seem to most connect with my child?
• What teachings of Scripture do you think I should try to emphasize with my son or daughter?
• How does my child connect with others in the group?
• How can I best support what you do in the class?
As much as possible, communicate your warm and enthusiastic support for your child’s teacher or pastor.
Odds are good that they are volunteering their time to be with your child, so let them
know that you want to be their biggest cheerleader.
In fact, ask how you can be praying for them, and then pray aloud for them at the end of your conference.
Your Family
• What leaders at your church are closest to your child?
• Whether it be through a parent-teacher conference or a less structured conversation, how can you strengthen those leaders’ connection with your family and your child?
Kid Swaps
Many Sticky Faith parents have found that “swapping kids” with another family is a fun and memorable way to surround their kids with a 5:1 team.
Some families join forces and take turns having all the kids over to their house for the evening.
For instance, one set of parents we interviewed coordinates a monthly “parents’ night out” with the other four families in their small group.
The five families take turns hosting all the kids at one house for an evening.
So each month, the host couple dives into an evening of chaotic fun with all those kids while the rest of the couples gain a precious date night.
A few families we met during the course of our research take a more literal approach to kid swapping.
They actually exchange kids for the night.
The kids know they’ll be having dinner and doing something fun with another set of parents, but the remaining details of the evening are a surprise.
Kids and adults go miniature golfing, complete scavenger hunts in local malls, or cook an elaborate dinner — all activities meant to help parents build relationships with their “new” kids.
Two families created an Uber-Extreme-Kids-Swap.
They exchange kids for an entire week.
Usually these weeks are over the summer, so homework is not a factor.
But sports, camps, and kids’ plans with friends are all part of the new family’s juggling act.
No, this weeklong kids swap is not a reality TV show.
It is two families’ plan to move from rhetoric to reality with their 5:1 teams.
Your Family
• Whether you’re thinking it would be an hour or a week, what might a kid swap look like for your family?
• What would you gain by such a swap?
• Let’s be honest: there is a cost to these sorts of kid swaps (exhaustion, confusion, disruption of habits).
So what might you also lose?
Our Family’s Steps toward Sticky Faith
Take a few moments on your own, or with your spouse, your friends, or your small group, to reflect on some potential next steps toward Sticky Faith.
Sticky Findings
On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being “we stink at this” and 5 being “we rock at this”), rate your family on the research findings presented in this chapter.
1|
My kids have at least five adults who are on their team.
2|
My friends, extended family, and church know and support our kids.
3|
I am investing in kids in other families.
Sticky Ideas
1|
What are you already doing to connect your kids with a web of caring adults?
2|
Given your ranking of the findings in the previous section, as well as the ideas you’ve read in this chapter, what one or two changes might you want to make in your family?
3|
What can you do in the next few weeks or month to move toward these changes?
