Thirteen-year-old Steve attended a local church most weekends with his parents.
As a bright and curious sixth-grader, Steve was fine going to church with his family but hadn’t committed his life to Christ.
He had far too many unanswered questions about God.
One Sunday after church, Steve asked his senior pastor one of those questions.
“Pastor, if I raise my finger, will God know which one I’m going to raise even before I raise it?”
The pastor replied, “Yes.
God knows everything.”
Steve, who was especially troubled by children who were starving in Africa, then pulled out a
Life magazine cover depicting hungry African children and asked the logical follow-up.
“Well, does God know about this and what’s going to happen to those children?”
A tougher question, to be sure, but the pastor gave a similar response.
“Steve, I know you don’t understand, but yes, God knows about that.”
Steve walked out of church that day and never again returned to a Christian church.
There was nothing technically wrong with the pastor’s answer, but if God knew what was happening in Africa and didn’t stop it, Steve wanted nothing to do with God.
You’ve likely heard of this Steve.
His last name is Jobs.
Yes, the Steve Jobs who was the cofounder, CEO, and chair of Apple.
Yes, the Steve Jobs who was the charismatic pioneer of the personal computer revolution and shepherded the development of the iMac, iPhone, iPod, iPad, and iTunes.
That Steve Jobs was a churchgoing junior high student who had questions about faith.
There is no record of him discussing these questions or his faith with his parents.
When he tried to talk with his pastor, the pastor’s answer — although well intentioned — repelled Steve from the faith.
Steve Jobs had an unquestionable impact on our technology; because of his work, we interact with the world and each other differently.
In the field of technology, he didn’t just usher in a new chapter; he launched a whole new book series.
But imagine if Steve had been greeted by a different answer from his pastor.
One that was less of a conversational dead end and more of an on-ramp to a deeper discussion about faith.
Imagine if the pastor had replied to thirteen-year-old Steve, “That’s a great question, Steve.
How about if you and I and your dad meet for breakfast this week and talk about it?”
Imagine if an adult had hit the conversational ball over the net to Steve, instead of letting it slowly roll off the court.
Imagine if Steve’s questions were answered by his parents or pastor, and he poured his entrepreneurial brilliance not just into furthering high-tech interfaces but also into furthering the gospel.
Imagine what our world might be like if Steve had funneled his leadership resources into both Silicon Valley and God’s kingdom.
I believe our world would be different.
The world your kids will experience during their lifetime would be different.
Unfortunately, there’s no record of any adult having those conversations with Steve.
So I still have a great Apple computer, but I wistfully wonder what might have been, not just for Steve but for all of us.
Sticky Findings
Ask Questions, but Share Your Own Story Too
If you’re like most parents, your typical “dialogue” with your child about faith consists of your asking them questions, generally after church.
“How was church today?”
“What did you learn?”
“What passage of Scripture did you study?”
Depending on your child’s mood, personality, and relationship with you, you might get a few sentences in return.
But usually the answers are more brief.
When he was in high school, our son had a problem with pornography.
We limited his access to the internet, and that helped.
But equally important were the conversations he and I had together.
I was truthful with him and told him I had had problems with pornography also.
— Marvin
“Fine.”
“Not much.”
“I forgot.”
And sometimes you get even less, like just a grunt or a “leave me alone” eye roll.
Our data of more than five hundred youth group graduates suggests that these questions can pay off.
So keep asking them.
But just as important is that you share about your own faith too.
Don’t just interview your kids; also share organically and authentically about your own spiritual pilgrimage.
The picture that emerges from our research mirrors that presented by the Lord in Deuteronomy 6:7.
Parents are to share about faith “when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”
In other words, as much as we can, whenever we have a chance.
But please don’t give your kids a lecture.
Or lots of lectures.
Instead look for opportunities to organically share a few sentences or paragraphs about what you’re learning in church, what you’re praying about, or new lessons God is showing you about life or parenthood.
As you have perhaps experienced, this type of open conversation is often more challenging as kids get older.
One nationwide study of positive family communication reveals a significant difference between the families of middle school students and those of high school students.
While 47 percent of sixth-graders report having positive communication in their families, that number drops to 22 percent by the end of high school.
Doubt Is Most Toxic When It Goes Unexpressed
While parents often worry that their kids’ doubts are wrong or sinful, our research brings a counterperspective.
In our study of five hundred students, we found that young people who feel the freedom and have the opportunity to express their doubt have greater faith maturity than those who don’t.
So doubt in and of itself isn’t necessarily dangerous.
It’s
unexpressed doubt that is most toxic.
Unfortunately, less than half of the students we interviewed have shared their doubts and struggles with an adult or a friend.
When we asked youth group graduates to name their most pressing doubts, they gave us a wide variety of answers, ranging from, Is homosexuality that bad?
to Will non-Christians really go to hell?
Yet in the midst of their diverse doubts, the most common doubts tended to be (listed in no particular order):
• Does God exist?
• Is Christianity true and the only way to God?
• Does God love me?
• Am I living the life God wants?
Interestingly, the first two questions are classic apologetics questions.
The last two are more personal and more directly related to the student’s life.
The message to parents is that we need to provide a time and place for our young people to grapple with both types of questions.
Adolescence isn’t the only stage when these four questions are raised.
The chorus of folks asking these questions begins in ele
mentary school and ends in the retirement center.
Given the previous finding, the good news is that when we parents share that we have wondered about these same questions, God might open a door for candid conversations with our kids about some of their doubts too.
Ironically, Christian Parents Are Less Likely to Talk about Tricky Subjects with Their Kids
Perhaps our kids stay silent because we parents are too afraid or too busy to talk about tough subjects like doubt.
Many of us have a mental list of topics we hope we can avoid discussing with our kids.
Sex is certainly on that list.
According to two different sets of data, the more important that religion (including Christianity) is to parents, the more difficult it is for those parents to talk with their kids about sex.
I find that both sad and ironic.
We followers of Christ should
be at the front of the line to talk with our kids about sex, because we know that sex, when done right, is really right.
Somehow with sex (as well as other controversial topics), our families have been robbed of healthy, balanced, scripturally guided conversations, the type of conversations that foster Sticky Faith.
What if my kid rolls their eyes and sighs when I bring up God?
Maybe it’s your kid’s personality.
Perhaps it’s the emotional canyon that has grown between you.
Or possibly it’s just your kid’s mood this month.
Whatever the reason, if your kids don’t want to dive into conversations with you about God, that’s okay.
It may not be ideal, but it’s normal.
You probably didn’t want to talk with your parents about your every emotional and spiritual question.
Your goal is that your child talk to an adult who is a Christ follower, even if it’s not you.
Discuss with your child who they might want to talk to.
It could be someone at your church or a family member in another city whom they could visit or talk to by phone or webcam.
Prep that person ahead of time by letting them know what you perceive in your child.
If appropriate, connect with that adult afterward (without snooping for details) so you can partner with them in your child’s spiritual growth through prayer and other “behind the scenes” roles.
The Best Conversations Are Inspired by Life
Many of the Sticky Faith parents we interviewed had structured family conversations and Bible studies, especially when their kids were in elementary school.
Yet those same parents often commented that their best discussions were triggered by life, not by a schedule.
Sometimes at meals we will read a devotional and pray together.
If it’s a chaotic day and our kids erupt in a concert of burps while we’re trying to read together, we know it’s not going to be one of those great mealtime conversations, and we just move on.
— Lois
Like when a daughter was getting hurtful texts late at night.
Or when a son was wondering if he should join the military after graduation.
Or when a stepson was unsure about his girlfriend’s commitment to him.
As one dad explained, “Often if I just start talking to them about faith, they have a tendency to put up a wall.
Our discussions are much better when they start with something they’re experiencing and then move into how God relates to that area.”
This interview theme is confirmed by another recent study of parents and teenagers in highly religious Christian, Jewish, and Muslim families.
While various techniques were acknowledged as important in shaping kids’ faith (including family devotions and family worship times), parents and adolescents both cited faith conversations more than any other method (these conversations were named by more than 75 percent of each group) as being vital to molding faith.
In particular,
youth-centered conversations, meaning those that focus on teenagers’ issues and concerns, were identified as the best catalysts for deepening faith.
If Conversations Are Win-Lose, Parents Have Already Lost
As you might have guessed, your kids aren’t hoping that the result of any family discussion is that they will end up agreeing with you.
Not only do they not want that; they might push against you and your faith if you try to make it happen.
The goal of your conversations isn’t to verbally arm wrestle your child into submission.
Many students with lasting faith appreciate the freedom their parents have always given them to arrive at their own opinions and decisions.
One student described the “incredible conversations” he has had with his parents over the years, “where we’re learning from each other.
They share with me why they believe what they believe, and then they let me share what I believe.
It feels like an opportunity for growth for both my parents and me.”
Moms’ Special Role in Faith Conversations
While faith discussions with both parents are important, if we wanted to compare the impact of mothers and fathers, moms might nose ahead.
I was told by both of our kids that I just didn’t know when to let something go and that I intruded too much.
So I tried not to be the “answer gal” for my kids.
I tried to listen for the tiny little cues that they were open to talking.
But it was so hard.
— Evie
In a large study of religiously diverse adolescents, researchers observed differences in the roles of mothers and fathers.
The study confirmed what we presented in
: fathers’ general care and concern for kids makes more of a difference in long-term faith than does that of mothers.
But when it comes to faith conversations in particular, moms seem to trump.
Teenagers’ spirituality was more related to their mothers’ spiritual support and dialogue than to their fathers’.
That doesn’t mean that fathers are unimportant.
Let’s be clear: dads are vital conversation partners with their kids.
But as significant as dads are, when it comes to diving into faith conversations, moms’ impact is perhaps a few feet deeper.
Sticky Ideas
Wow, Pow, Holy Cow, How
Every night at dinner, the Smithson family discusses four topics related to their day:
Wow, Pow, Holy Cow, How.
Wow
is the best part of their day.
Pow
is the worst part of their day.
Holy Cow
is something in their day that pointed them to God.
How
is an opportunity in their day to be the answer to someone else’s prayer.
As family members share their experiences for each topic, the Smithsons discuss everything from softball tournaments and science tests to sales presentations and software design.
To prevent things from feeling too fake or forced, family members are allowed to opt out of addressing any topic, but the more evenings the Smithsons have these discussions, the less anyone opts out.
Your Family
• What are your family discussions at dinner like?
•
Wow,
Pow,
Holy Cow,
How might sound a bit corny to you or your kids, especially if they are teenagers.
Another family tackles these topics by asking about “highs, lows, and how you saw God at work.”
Another family simply asks, “How’s your heart?”
More important than the labels you use are the conversations you have.
Perhaps you could involve your kids in choosing the topics you’ll discuss and the words you’ll use to describe them.
One night at dinner, I decided to talk with my three kids about unconditional love.
I asked them, “Who in this family has recently expressed unconditional love to you?”
All three answered in unison, “Our dog.”
— Ava
Sex Ed Talk . . . or Talks
Dale and Nancy knew it was time to talk with their eleven-year-old about the birds and the bees.
Ahead of time, they decided on the following principles.
• They wanted to have more than just “the talk” with Aaron.
Instead they wanted to have a
series of talks.
• Both parents wanted to be involved so that Aaron could ask either of them questions in the future.
• They wanted to give Aaron a book based on scriptural principles so he’d have a resource he could access later.
• In a year or two, they intended to invite Aaron to make a specific purity decision, but now their goal was to educate him and help him feel comfortable talking with them about his questions.
So for these initial conversations, they wanted the environment to feel as normal as possible.
My wife and I have made our family motto “Tell me more.”
We use that phrase a lot in our conversations with our teenagers.
We even made a small sign of those three words and hung it in our kitchen as a constant reminder of our family’s commitment to conversation.
— Lucas
With these principles in mind, Nancy did some research online and selected a Bible-centered book geared for young teens.
Once the book arrived, she and Dale showed it to Aaron, explaining that both parents would read the first chapter and underline the portions they especially wanted to talk over with him.
Then they’d pass it to him to read.
In a week or so, after they had all finished that chapter, the three of them would gather in Aaron’s room at bedtime and discuss what they had underlined as well as any questions Aaron wanted to raise.
Week by week, chapter by chapter, they read through the book with Aaron.
Even though Dale and Nancy don’t know how much, if at all, Aaron consults the book now that they’ve finished studying it, they hope Aaron knows he can return not only to the book
but also to both of his parents with his ongoing questions and dilemmas.
Your Family
• If you haven’t already crossed this bridge in your family, what is your vision for your “birds and bees” talk with your child?
• If you have already had at least one talk with your child about sex, how did it go?
What went well?
What do you wish had been different?
• Regardless of your child’s age and stage, what could you do to help your child turn to you in the future with their questions about sex?
Current Event Springboards
“I’m pretty sure if I were alive when Jesus was, I would have hung out with Thomas,” confessed Don, one of the parents we interviewed.
But Don’s not afraid of his doubts, or his kids’.
In fact, instead of hiding from tough questions, Don uses current events in the world to discuss questions with his kids, such as,
• Why would God allow that earthquake to kill so many people?
• Why isn’t God empowering politicians to work together and fix what’s broken in our country?
• Why doesn’t God stop the religious wars that cause so many deaths and instead draw all people to worship Jesus Christ?
• Or just plain, What’s wrong with America?
These questions are not easy, nor are Don’s conversations with his kids.
But Don is glad that his kids are learning not only that Don can handle their toughest questions but also that God can too.
Your Family
• When do you have your best opportunities to raise tough questions with your kids?
• How might current events function as a springboard that enables you to dive into deeper (and maybe even more difficult) conversations with your kids?
Who Knows More Than You?
Matt and Amy have a good, honest relationship with their teenage daughter, but they know there are certain topics that Allie would rather discuss with someone other than them.
Their concern was that Allie would turn to her peers for advice instead of consulting older, wiser adults.
So one Saturday afternoon they sat down together at their dining room table and shared a phrase with Allie that they had agreed on ahead of time: “Your friends don’t know more than you.”
When Allie seemed to have grasped that principle, they spent some time brainstorming the names of other adults who, Allie recognized, knew more about life than either she or her friends.
Working together, the three were able to identify aunts, teachers, friends of the family, and church members who had particular wisdom about topics like dating, stress, and parties.
As Matt and Amy had hoped, Allie ended up with a list of adult mentors and sages so that when a future decision left her feeling lost and directionless, she would know where to turn.
Never stop talking with your kids.
Never, ever stop.
— Colleen
Your Family
• What adults, if any, would your child go to for advice?
• If you’re dissatisfied with this list, what ideas do you have for improving the quantity and/or quality of adults your child can talk to?
Sharing Your Testimony
One of the churches in our Sticky Faith Cohort program wanted to explore not only how many parents were talking with their kids about what God was showing them as parents in the here and now but also how many were telling their kids about their experiences with God in the past.
The youth pastor at this church asked twenty high school students on a short-term mission trip if they knew how their parents decided to follow Christ.
Want to guess how many knew?
I’ll give you a hint.
The answer starts with the letter
Z.
Zero.
Zip.
Zilch.
Another church in the Sticky Faith Cohort, upon hearing this, hosted a seminar for parents on how to share their testimony with their kids.
Their two major problems were that they didn’t carve out enough time for parents’ questions and they didn’t set up enough chairs for all who attended.
We offer the Sticky Faith Cohort program, a yearlong coaching and training program for churches that want to dive more deeply into how our research can transform their entire congregation.
For more information, visit
stickyfaith.org.
Although training for sharing your testimony is helpful, it is not essential.
You might want to try following the pattern of Sue and Huan, who took their son out for dinner to share their stories of deciding to follow Jesus.
They let him know what their lives had been like before they met Jesus, the experiences and people that drew them to Jesus, and the difference that Jesus has made since.
Your Family
• If we asked your kids what led you to follow Jesus, what do you think they would say?
• What can you do to let your kids know more about the ways that following Jesus has changed you?
What if there are parts of my background that I wish my kids didn’t know?
It’s hard to answer that question without knowing more about you and your kids (not to mention your deepest, darkest sins), so please talk over that question with a close friend who knows your family well.
But we can say this: our observation is that parents are often overly cautious in sharing about their background, for fear of encouraging their kids to make those same unhealthy choices.
The reality is that your kids have a host of other factors (friends, media, tempting situations) encouraging them to drink, do drugs, and have premarital sex, and these far outweigh whether Mom or Dad did so twenty-five years ago.
In fact, knowing that you dealt with that same temptation may get your children to open up and talk with you more about it.
If they are teenagers, chances are you’re not going to share much that your kids haven’t heard about before.
What Would Happen Next?
Jamaal and Dee know that teenagers often make poor decisions when they haven’t thought through the consequences of those choices ahead of time.
So they came up with a family conversation game called What Would Happen Next?
Often while driving on long car trips, Jamaal or Dee give their teenagers a challenging ethical situation, such as, “You rode to a party with a friend who’s started to drink.
You’re wondering if it’s safe to ride home with her at the wheel.
How would you handle that?”
One or both high school students describe what they think they would do.
Then Jamaal or Dee asks, “Okay, if you did that, what would happen next?”
One of the kids then surmises what would be their next step, at which point Jamaal or Dee asks, “And then what would happen next?”
Thinking up scenarios that range from befriending an undocumented immigrant to counseling a friend with same-sex attraction,
Jamaal and Dee are trying to prepare their kids for the tough ethical situations they may face.
Their goal is to help their kids mentally journey through the twists and turns of teenage life ahead of time so that when they actually come to various forks in the road, they’ve thought about which lane to choose.
We try to be intentional while resisting the temptation to turn everything into a teachable moment.
When we were worried about our son being tempted to smoke pot because of some of the kids he was hanging out with at school, rather than lecture him or impose a whole bunch of rules, we talked with him about our honest fears as parents.
Our son responded, “Mom and Dad, if I had wanted to smoke pot, I would have started four years ago.
I’m scared to do it and I won’t.”
When we heard that, we called off the dogs and realized we just need to keep talking with him.
— Macall
Your Family
• What do you think about Jamaal and Dee’s premise that teenagers often make poor decisions because they haven’t contemplated the consequences ahead of time?
• Given your child’s age, what sorts of situations are most important to talk through with him or her?
The (Aging) Kid Is the Expert
As his kids have gotten older, Terry has treated them as experts.
In an effort to honor his college-age daughter’s autonomy, he’s tried to shift his tone from teaching her to testing ideas with her.
So his conversations with his daughter often start with phrases like,
I’ve been wondering about this.
What do you think?
Try this on for size . . .
Let me bounce this idea off you.
I’ve been praying about this but still don’t know what to do.
What advice do you have?
Terry finds that his daughter is often more likely to open up about some of her own uncertainties and struggles when he starts the conversation not just as a parent but also as a peer.
Your Family
• What do you think of Terry’s theory that as his kids age, he should talk to them not just as a parent but also as a peer?
• If you think there’s merit to this principle, what would it mean for your relationship with your oldest child?
Late-Night Breath Check
When J.T. and Natalia’s teenage children come home late at night from parties or a friend’s house, the two of them are often asleep.
When that happens, the kids know they need to wake up their mom (who is more of a night person) and give her a hug.
Not only does that let her know they are safe; it also gives Natalia (who also has a keen sense of smell) a bit of a “sniff test.”
If her kids have been up to trouble, she can tell by the alcohol or smoke she smells.
I’m a single parent who only has my kids on the weekends, so I have to build in good conversation routines.
After I pick them up, for the first forty-five minutes as we’re driving back to my house, they aren’t allowed to use any electronics.
That has created a routine where we catch up without any distractions.
— Patrice
Often after Natalia sits up in bed to give her kids a hug and tell them that she loves them, they quickly head back to their own bedroom to crash.
But other nights, they want to debrief their evening with her.
Some evenings they are downright chatty.
As J.T. explains about his wife, “It is amazing what she can get out of them after midnight.”
Your Family
• How, if at all, do you connect with your teenage children when they get home late at night?
• What could you do, or ask your teenager to do, that would improve that connection?
Talk to Me or I’m Driving You to School
When Megan’s son, Ryan, got his driver’s license, Megan was excited that she would no longer need to drive him all around town.
She figured this would add a handful of hours each week to her schedule.
But like many Sticky Faith parents, whether it was because Ryan was a captive audience or because he was often open to talking about what had just happened at school or tennis practice, Megan found that her best conversations with her son happened while they were in the car.
While Megan was already envisioning what she could do with those free hours, she also grieved the loss of that precious time together.
So Megan told Ryan, “Many of our best talks happen in the car.
Even though we won’t be in the car as much, I’d like us to continue having those discussions.
So if you don’t talk to me around the house or at meals, then I’m going to have to go back to driving you to school and tennis every day.”
For a list of good questions to act as conversation starters, see
familyeducation.com, especially “100 Questions to Ask Your Parents,”
http://life.familyeducation.com/communication/family-time/36022.html, and “100 Questions to Ask Your Kids,”
http://life.familyeducation.com/communication/family-time/36021.html.
Guess who all of a sudden got pretty chatty around the kitchen?
Your Family
• This type of motivation (aka threat) might not work with your child.
But as you think about what you will lose (or have lost) in car conversations as your teenager starts driving, what could help you continue to stay connected?
Our Family’s Steps toward Sticky Faith
Take a few moments on your own, or with your spouse, your friends, or your small group, to reflect on some potential next steps toward Sticky Faith.
Sticky Findings
On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being “we stink at this” and 5 being “we rock at this”), rate your family on the research findings presented in this chapter.
1|
I both ask my kids questions about their faith and share about my own faith.
2|
Our family is a safe place to talk about doubts and tough questions.
3|
We discuss tricky and controversial subjects with our kids.
4|
I use regular life events as conversation springboards with my kids.
5|
I do not force my kids to agree with me; I let them arrive at their own conclusions.
6|
While we realize that both parents need to be involved in faith dialogue, our kids have vibrant faith conversations with their mom (or stepmom or another female adult).
Sticky Ideas
1|
When do you tend to have your best faith-related conversations with your children?
2|
Given your ranking of the findings in the previous section, as well as the ideas you’ve read in this chapter, what one or two changes might you want to make in your family?
3|
What can you do in the next few weeks or month to move toward these changes?
