What our youngest child, Jessica, lacked in pronunciation of the letter
r, she made up for in her gusto for pretending to be me.
Every day for two months, she plunged into my bedroom closet, grabbed as many items as her five-year-old fists could carry, and then wore them over her own clothing.
Her favorite items were my black leather boots, an orange blouse, a turquoise scarf (trust me, it isn’t as eighties as it sounds), a gold linen dinner jacket (okay, that is as eighties as it sounds), and a wool hat.
Regardless of how you evaluate her fashion sense, if you saw her walk around our house, you’d see that she had a sixth sense for imitating me.
Stumbling awkwardly in boots that were twice the size of her feet, she’d grab my briefcase on wheels and stride across our wood floors, proclaiming to all other family members, “I’m Kah-wa Powell.”
It was even more adorable than it sounds.
It got less adorable when Jessica started imitating facets of my parenting.
She’d stand in our living room, wag her finger at an invisible daughter sitting on our navy blue couch, and sternly warn, “Jessica, you need a better attitude.”
Imaginary Jessica didn’t seem to improve.
My daughter’s remedy?
More wagging of the finger, mixed with, “Jessica, go to your room.”
Sometimes she’d invite friends to join in the dress-up play.
Jessica was always “Kah-wa Powell,” and the friend was usually talked into
being “Jessica.”
What did “Kah-wa” and “Jessica” do together?
Play cards?
Sit and read?
Color at the kitchen table?
Nope.
“Jessica” usually spent most of her time on the couch, receiving a lecture from “Kah-wa Powell” about what she had done wrong.
One Friday afternoon, another mom whose daughter had been at our house for the afternoon was invited to watch a “play” that the two five-year-olds had created.
In this play, there were no fairies, doggies, or princesses.
The “story” (if you’ve watched your five-year-old child’s plays, you know that the quotes are warranted) revolved around my black-booted, briefcase-wheeling daughter playing me and giving her “daughter” a grim lecture.
The other mom and I laughed (somewhat awkwardly) at my daughter’s portrayal of me.
But long after the other family walked down our driveway, one question sat on the front steps of my heart:
Is that my daughter’s primary picture of me?
Jessica mirrored to me a posture and a tone of voice that was everything I didn’t want to be as a mom.
As she acted out her version of how I corrected her, I knew I was the one who needed correcting.
Sticky Findings
We Will Get What We Are
After studying the faith development of more than three thousand young people nationwide from Protestant, Roman Catholic, Jewish, and Mormon families, Christian Smith and his team concluded, “The best general rule of thumb that parents might use to reckon their children’s most likely religious outcomes is this: ‘We’ll get what we are.’ ”
As important as this guide’s other ten factors are in building Sticky Faith families, the reality is that in general, the primary influence in a child’s faith trajectory is his or her parents.
The most important social influence in shaping young people’s religious lives is the religious life modeled and taught to them by their parents.
— Christian Smith and Melissa Lundquist Denton (Smith and Denton,
Soul Searching, 56)
As with all findings in this guide, please take this with a grain of salt.
Or even a moun
tain of grains of salt.
You might have a very different faith journey than your parents’.
You might have multiple kids who are choosing different faith paths themselves.
While there is no foolproof formula, in integrity as a researcher I need to be clear: your strategy for developing a Sticky Faith family starts by assessing the vibrancy of your own faith.
We Will Get What Our Kids Think We Are
Having grasped the importance of our faith example, we can move to a more nuanced — and accurate — understanding of the power of our beliefs and behaviors.
As important as our faith lives are in influencing our kids, multiple studies of teenagers indicate that more important than what parents believe is what teenagers
perceive they believe.
When I was a high school student, our youth pastor decided to make the focus of one of our Wednesday night meetings this question: If you were on trial for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?
We can’t out-teach what you teach at home.
We’re not that good.
— Dr. David Fraze, Director of Student Ministries, Richland Hills Church of Christ
To my surprise (and dismay), I was one of the three students picked to be on trial.
Friends of mine from youth group then gave testimonies about both my character and my behaviors.
I remember sitting on a gray plastic chair in the front of our youth room, palms sweating and heart pounding, wondering if there was going to be enough evidence to convict me.
There was.
In my opinion, barely.
Because that sort of mock trial can easily become emotionally manipulative and guilt producing, I don’t recommend trying this at your home church.
But given the research on Sticky Faith families, I hope you reflect on this question: If I were on trial for being a Christian, what evidence could my kids offer to convict me?
There Are Many Ways to Build and Model Sticky Faith in Front of Your Kids
As we interviewed parents who had developed enduring faith in their kids, one theme emerged: they made the cultivation of their own faith a priority.
While that was a nearly universal goal, there were no universal steps parents took to make that goal a reality.
Each parent seems to find their own channel to stay in tune with Jesus.
Some hold traditional “quiet times,” often in the morning before children are looking for breakfasts and backpacks.
Others prefer to journal in the evenings while kids are sleeping or studying.
Some like to sit.
Others feel closer to God while moving — while jogging, walking, gardening, or even driving.
Some need quiet.
Others prefer the stimulation of a good sermon or great worship music, or even the background noise of a coffee house or the morning bus commute.
The length, location, and posture of parents’ time with God vary.
What is constant is their recognition that regular (generally daily) time with God needs to be a priority in their schedules.
Our Marriages Shape Our Kids’ Faith
While not as formative as our relationship with God, the quality of our marriages also affects our family’s faith trajectories.
A nationwide study of more than 1,100 adults examining the effects of family of origin on church involvement found a modest association between the marital happiness of a person’s parents and that person’s religious involvement.
In other words, people whose parents had marriages that were more life-giving were also more likely to attend and be involved with a faith community.
While the nature of our marriages seems to be a factor in our kids’ faith development, it’s important to note that the effect is
mild.
So if you are a single parent or walking through a challenging marriage season, take heart.
With some prayerful planning, the relational glue of your extended family and the faith community can help compensate for what’s missing at home.
(
is wholly devoted to this.)
Sticky Ideas
Same Time, Same Place
Of the parents we interviewed, the majority were most successful in carving out time with the Lord when they found a consistent rhythm.
Same time.
Same place.
Every day.
Or at least most days.
The twenty minutes every morning before their kids appear in the living room.
The fifteen-minute commute to work each day after dropping off their kids at school.
The twenty-minute walk after dinner to get some fresh air.
The ten minutes every night in bed before they turn out the light.
Even if it wasn’t daily, it was consistent.
One busy executive found it challenging to carve out time with the Lord on weekdays, so he spent an hour reading the Bible and praying first thing every Saturday morning.
While he wished he spent such focused time with God more frequently, he rarely missed his Saturday routine.
Personally, I double my chances of working out if I plan the day before when I’ll make it to the gym.
I triple those chances if I put on workout clothes as soon as I get out of bed.
For many Sticky Faith parents, identifying a consistent time and place similarly increases the likelihood of developing their spiritual muscles.
Your Family
• What is your best daily, or regular, opportunity to connect with the Lord?
• Why do you think that connection is so powerful?
• What would need to change in your schedule to make that time a greater priority?
• What could you do the day before (whether it be to get the kids’ lunches ready or to check email one last time before going to bed so it’s not as stacked up in the morning) that would help you stay more consistent?
What if I’m not the Christian I want my kids to be?
If you feel that way, you and I should start a club.
It would be a very large club.
If you are in touch with your sin, you realize that while Jesus has already forgiven you and granted you eternal salvation, you are not yet fully transformed into his image (this is often referred to by theologians as the “already/not yet” tension).
I’d be more worried about you if you were telling me that you are the Christian you want your kids to be.
I would wonder if you need a deeper whiff of the cesspool of sin from which God continues to cleanse and redeem us.
Having said that, if you’re asking the question, you might need to evaluate the direction and pace of your spiritual growth.
One of my favorite quotes by Dallas Willard is, “We are becoming who we will be forever.”
*
Our daily decisions, relationships, and habits have the potential to mold us into either a self-centered lump of clay or the Christ-centered vessel that God intends.
So what one (let’s choose just one to keep it manageable) regular practice might God use to help transform you into the person he wants you to be?
Could it be the ongoing study of Scripture?
Or maybe time in prayer, listening for God’s specific messages for you?
Perhaps a weekly Sabbath?
Or possibly community with other believers who know the song in your heart and sing it to you when your memory fails?
If you’re not sure, ask God to show you where to start.
Write down what you want to try and schedule it on your calendar.
If you skip a day (or two or five), don’t panic.
Celebrate the growth you see in yourself.
Even if some months you take three steps forward and two steps back, you’re still one step closer to the parent and disciple God has created you to be.
*
Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy (San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1998), 11.
A Running Conversation with Jesus
While regularly scheduling time to pray, read Scripture, and meditate is hard, I find a second practice of some dedicated parents even more challenging.
And convicting.
It’s not as pervasive a theme as the power of regular times with the Lord, but several parents we interviewed found great spiritual strength by maintaining a regular conversation with Jesus.
They would comment that they “pray all the time” and maintain a “regular conversation with Jesus” in the midst of work and family responsibilities.
As one parent described, “Whatever happens during my day, I keep my conversation going with the Lord.”
Some parents find that praying some or all of the “daily office” of fixed-hour prayer (common in Anglican and Roman Catholic traditions) helps pace their day with “God pauses.”
Whether on their smartphone or in a book, these excerpts from Scripture and the prayers of others can be a catalyst for ongoing conversation with God.
In talking with these parents, I don’t sense that they do this because it’s merely a good idea.
To them, it’s like a spiritual oxygen mask, helping them stay calm and breathe when they hit turbulence.
Your Family
• In what times of your work and personal life are you most likely to turn to prayer?
• What difference would it make in your life and family if you were even more likely to do so?
A Day a Quarter
Cliff, a dad of two teenagers, has found he connects with God best when he isn’t rushed or preoccupied with his next meeting.
So Cliff sets aside a day each quarter as his time away with God.
Grabbing his Bible, a few books, and a lunch, he heads to a nearby park, lake, restaurant, or friend’s vacant house for the day.
(Cliff lives in Minnesota, so the time of year makes a big difference in where he holes up.)
These quarterly days are Cliff’s lifeline, enabling him for the next three months to be the disciple, leader, husband, and dad that he longs to be.
Your Family
• Maybe an entire day isn’t feasible for you, but what would be?
A half day?
Two hours?
• What could you do during that time that would feed your soul?
Praying with Your Calendar
If your calendar seems too full for any of these ideas, perhaps prayer itself is the solution.
Abigail, a mom with college-age sons, has found that taking time to pray actually gives her more time to pray.
How does that time-math work?
When Abigail prays with her calendar in front of her, the Lord often gives her a sense of what is most important to him and to her family.
As a result, she inevitably eliminates some of the items crowding her to-do list.
Prayer helps Abigail become more able to identify those tasks that can wait or, even better, don’t need to be done at all.
Your Family
• When in the past have you felt God guiding you on how to spend your time?
• If you were to pray through your calendar, what do you think the Lord might nudge you to cut?
• What’s keeping you from eliminating those time commitments right now?
• How might praying with your calendar help you face the necessary tasks of your day with more faithfulness?
Community as a Portal for Spiritual Growth
Many parents we interviewed mentioned the catalyzing role of others in their own spiritual growth — particularly close friends, mentors, and fellow members of Bible studies or small groups.
When parents’ frustration or fatigue makes them blind to God’s vision for their lives or families, it’s often others who show them the way.
As with other ideas that further spiritual growth, these relationships almost always take planning.
One single parent makes double dinner every Wednesday night, carefully placing extra plates in the refrigerator with her kids’ names on them, so she can make it to her Thursday night small group.
That additional work is worth the payoff that comes from spiritually rubbing shoulders with other women every week.
Feeling a bit spiritually inadequate as you read about these amazing parents?
You’re not alone.
Keep in mind that we want you to choose only
five ideas throughout the entire book, so please pace yourself.
If you’re feeling guilty for all you aren’t doing as a parent and follower of Jesus, we’ll tackle how to handle mistakes (both ours and our kids’) in
.
Your Family
• When you become blind to God’s vision for your life or family, who points you in the right direction?
• Who else could help you grow spiritually?
• How can you get the time you need with these folks to be sharpened spiritually and personally?
A Bath Every Night for Thirty Years
Daily walks.
Weekly date nights.
Annual anniversary weekends.
Those were the ideas we expected to hear — and did hear — from husbands and wives sharing their secrets for nurturing their marriages.
I wish I had been in a Bible study when my kids were teenagers.
It would have been helpful for me and my husband to have that support from peers who were walking the same life journey.
Otherwise you feel like you’re doing this all by yourself.
When our daughter came home and looked at us like we couldn’t do anything right — not even breathe — being with others in a small group would have helped us feel less alone.
— Laura
In the midst of our interviews, perhaps the most unique idea we heard was from a couple who have been married for more than thirty years.
Every night before bed, Don and Debbie go into their master bathroom and take turns taking a bath.
It’s their thirty minutes to decompress, debrief their days, and discuss their kids (and now grandkids).
Yes, every night.
For thirty years.
As Don summarized, “We always know at the end of the day that we have that time to connect.”
Your Family
• What could you do every day — or most days — that would be your own special way of connecting with your spouse?
Date Night Kid Swap
Some parents have extended family nearby who are quick and eager (maybe at times too eager) to babysit.
It’s usually a great win-win-win.
Grandma and Grandpa get time with their grandkids.
You and your spouse get to have an uninterrupted meal or actually watch a whole movie in one sitting.
And your kids get extra sugar and electronics time.
Those parents who don’t have the blessing of local extended family often struggle with scheduling date nights.
Finding a
babysitter is yet one more task to do.
Funding that babysitter is yet one more bill to pay.
Rick and Monica have solved this dilemma by arranging a “date night swap” with another family.
One Wednesday night, Rick and Monica’s kids go to the other family’s house for a meal and a few hours of hang-out time.
Two weeks later, the kids from the other family come to Rick and Monica’s house so the other couple can have a dinner date.
Not only is it cheap and easy; it is scheduled.
Rick admits, “Even when my wife and I are busy, or feeling a bit distant from each other and don’t feel like going out to dinner together, we have date nights built into our calendar.
Our arrangement with the other family forces us to do it, and we are always glad we do.”
Your Family
• Given your season of life, what frequency of date nights makes sense?
• If childcare is an issue, is there another family you could exchange kids with every two to four weeks?
Your taking initiative with the other family would likely be a blessing to them also.
• If you’re a single parent, who are the trusted friends who most energize and support you?
How could you set a consistent rhythm for spending time with them without your kids?
The Power of a Purple Pen
It’s no secret that strong communication lies at the heart of strong marriages.
What is less recognized is the power of communicating in words and actions that are most meaningful to your spouse.
After being married for eighteen years, Bill and Carolyn started teaching a premarital class.
During this time, they came across Dr. Gary Chapman’s teaching that each person (including you and your spouse) has their own “love language.”
Your love language is the way you prefer to give (and, often more important, receive)
tangible signs of love from the people who are important to you.
Dr. Chapman has identified five love languages:
• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts
• Quality time
• Physical touch
According to Bill, “Carolyn’s love language is receiving gifts.
I’ve found I don’t have to give her a five-hundred-dollar piece of jewelry to speak her love language.
Just bringing home a pen from a hotel that’s her favorite shade of purple means the world to her.”
Although Carolyn might prefer the jewelry.
Your Family
• What would you guess is your spouse’s love language?
(Or even better, ask your spouse so it’s not a guess.)
• How can you “speak your spouse’s love language” in caring actions or words this week?
Our Family’s Steps toward Sticky Faith
Take a few moments on your own, or with your spouse, your friends, or your small group, to reflect on some potential next steps toward Sticky Faith.
Sticky Findings
On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being “we stink at this” and 5 being “we rock at this”), rate your family on the research findings presented in this chapter.
1|
I myself have the vibrant faith I hope my kids will have as adults.
2|
My kids observe me living out my faith in our home and community.
3|
I make the cultivation of my faith a priority in my schedule.
4|
I feel supported and enriched by quality friendships and/or my marriage.
Sticky Ideas
1|
What are you already doing that is helping you model faith in front of your kids?
2|
In what ways are you and your children already benefiting from a supportive marriage or friendships?
3|
Given your ranking of the findings in the previous section, as well as the ideas you’ve read in this chapter, what one or two changes might you want to make in your family?
4|
What can you do in the next few weeks or month to move toward these changes?
