“What if my teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me?”
It’s a common question, one our team is asked almost every time we share the secrets of Sticky Faith families.
My favorite answer is to share the story of Nora, a mom who has used our research to bridge the divide with her son.
Seventeen-year-old Sam walled himself off from Nora and the rest of the family eighteen months ago.
The only time Sam leaves his room is when he’s hungry (which, luckily for Nora, is often).
But when she tries to start up a conversation while Sam’s standing in front of the refrigerator or the microwave, she’s greeted with one-syllable answers: “Fine,” “Nope,” or “Uh-uh.”
Longing for a deeper relationship, Nora has tried to connect with Sam.
But every time she offers to take him out for a meal or do something fun, he refuses.
He’d rather shut himself in his room and go online or play video games than be with her.
But Sam does love going to movies.
So Nora has become a student of film.
She tracks movie release dates, visits movie websites, and has learned the nuances of various directors and actors.
The only time Sam says yes to Nora’s invitations to do something with her is when she asks Sam to a movie.
On the way to the movie, the two of them discuss what they know about the film and what they hope it will be like.
Driving home, they evaluate the movie and share their
favorite scenes.
At times Sam even opens up about connections he sees between the film and his own experiences.
The roundtrip conversation is Nora’s best window into her son’s life and heart.
Because of this, Nora tries to pick theaters that are far away, so they have more time in the car together.
She also tries to suggest movies that have a spiritual flavor.
Hints of spiritual growth in the films’ characters occasionally prompt Sam to talk about his spiritual journey — at least for a few sentences.
Nora doesn’t really like movies all that much, but she likes her son.
As with the majority of the Sticky Faith parents we interviewed, Nora is willing to leave the well-worn path of her own comfort and preferences to journey with her teenager.
Sticky Findings
It’s More about Your Teenager’s World Than Yours
One of the most dominant themes in our interviews with parents was their commitment to step into their teenagers’ worlds instead of expecting their kids to take part in theirs.
They take seriously Paul’s words in 1 Thessalonians 2:8: “Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.”
They know that the sharing Paul describes often means leaning into their kids’ interests and passions.
For Nora, that means becoming a movie aficionado.
For Chris, that translates into making a TV reality show (one of the few he can stomach) a popcorn-and-hot-chocolate family event every Thursday night.
For Hany, that means letting his son play his favorite music in the car.
Hany can barely stand his son’s song selections, but he sees his son stand a bit taller when he knows that his dad cares about what he cares about.
Multiple studies conducted by the Search Institute and other academic partners indicate how motivating it is for young people to discover their “sparks,” meaning the activities and interests that help kids be their best.
Two of the most common sparks for young
people are sports and art, and yet only 55 percent of teenagers who know their sparks receive adult support for the development and use of those passions and skills.
The parents we interviewed were trying to buck this trend by verbally encouraging their kids’ interests, being physically present, and even participating when possible.
Even if parents are ignored by their daughter at the school play or are sought out by their son at the lacrosse tournament only when he wants cash for snacks, they are in the stands, cheering for their kids.
Those choices to make it to three o’clock games or seven o’clock shows often come at a professional cost.
Whenever possible, Sticky Faith parents pay that price because they are committed to making regular deposits in their teenagers’ emotional bank accounts.
Whatever our kids did, we showed up.
We volunteered in Scouts, bands, and sports.
We kept showing up.
We kept being involved.
— Bennett
Family Time Together Needs to Be Protected
A second theme in our interviews with fifty Sticky Faith parents was that they set firm walls around their time with their teenage children.
In fact, as a research team, we joked about how practically every parent of teenagers we interviewed noted that time together is key to their family’s faith.
Middle schoolers are far more busy than elementary school children.
That busyness escalates in high school.
Parents who want to maintain relationship with their teenage children make sure that they carve out quality time together.
As our friends Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof wisely describe in
Parenting beyond Your Capacity, “It’s not quantity or quality time you need as a family — it’s the
quantity of quality time. . . . When you increase the quantity of quality time you spend together as a family, you leverage your ability to positively impact your children’s faith.”
To amass a large amount of quality time, Sticky Faith parents work hard to coordinate all family members’ calendars to make
sure they are all regularly in the same house, sitting in the same room, at the same time.
Sticky Faith Families Have Both Planned and Spontaneous Time Together
A ten-year-old is pretty much open to being with her dad anytime he says, “Let’s play catch.”
Fast-forward five years, and that same dad’s offer to play catch is generally met with a “Not now, Dad” response.
(The primary exception being if the dad offers to go shopping instead of stand in the front lawn throwing a ball back and forth.)
Relationship now happens on the teenager’s terms.
So in addition to the more structured times encouraged in the previous finding, the Sticky Faith parents we interviewed also keep their schedules free enough that they can dive into more informal, organic time together.
Dads find they need to sit at the kitchen table while their son has a “second dinner” after basketball practice, waiting to see if he’ll open up about his day.
Moms stop using a cell phone in the car if their daughter is along, in case she wants to talk about the anxiety she’s feeling about her upcoming finals.
These unstructured times happen only if parents have created enough margin in their schedules to be nearby when their teenage children want to talk.
As defined by Richard A. Swenson, “Margin is the amount allowed beyond that which is needed. . . . Margin is the gap between rest and exhaustion, the space between breathing freely and suffocating.”
The families we studied reported regularly having to make decisions — hard decisions — that cost them professionally, economically, and socially in order to have the time and energy required to be present with their teenagers when their teenagers want to talk.
Favoritism May Erode Faith
If you’re a parent of multiple children, you may be wondering, Why is it that kids in the same family sometimes walk down diverging faith paths?
If we parent our teenagers similarly, why would they make different choices?
Many factors can contribute to differences among siblings, ranging from unique personalities and particular stressful experiences to birth order and openness to the Spirit.
Yet one body of research suggests that while we think we treat our children fairly and similarly, our children don’t feel that way.
A recent study of 156 members of twenty-five different families found that the most common theme in children who walked away from their parents’ faith was that they thought their parents played favorites.
As a result, not only did rivalry develop among the siblings, but also teenagers who felt mistreated tried to separate themselves from all things related to their parents, including their parents’ faith.
Sticky Ideas
Family Game Nights
Of the variety of ways Sticky Faith parents spent time with their teenagers, one of the most common is family game nights.
Parents who want to fuel the flames of family game nights tend to
• keep games in a central place in their homes.
• continually add new board games to their family collection.
• look for games that all family members can play together (which isn’t always easy, given age gaps among kids).
• serve special snacks.
• integrate outdoor games when possible (weather allowing).
One mom, whose youngest of four children is now entering college, told us, “We just did a game night with all of our kids home for the holidays this past weekend.
Our boys hate games
without strategy.
Our girls hate games that are too competitive.
So we’ve worked hard to find games that work for all four.
Some of our best family memories come from sitting on the floor playing games together.”
Your Family
• What place do games have in your family’s quality time?
• If you’re not satisfied with your answer, what would help games play more of a central role in your family time together?
Talking about Your Future Spouse
Marianne wanted to connect with Kylie, her stepdaughter, on Kylie’s terms but wasn’t sure how to do it.
She got her answer when Kylie started asking Marianne questions about why she had decided to marry Kylie’s dad.
Kylie’s questions told Marianne that she was starting to wonder not just about Marianne’s relationship with Kylie’s dad but also about what her own future husband might be like.
Marianne gave Kylie a journal and encouraged her, “When you see a characteristic that you want in your husband, write that down in this journal.”
Periodically Marianne and Kylie bring the journal along to coffee and discuss what Kylie has noted.
This journaling has both helped Kylie process her residual pain from her parents’ divorce and helped plant in her a clearer and more hopeful vision for her future family.
Your Family
• Marianne wisely let Kylie’s questions reveal what was important to Kylie.
Thinking back on the past few months, what themes have you noticed in your teenagers’ conversations or questions?
• How can you leverage those themes as ways to spend time with your kids?
Getting Ready to Be an Adult
If there’s one thing (almost) every adolescent wants, it’s to be treated as an adult.
Capitalizing on the way his oldest son, Quan, almost salivated at the idea of being treated like a grown-up, Jun told him that before he could be treated like an adult, he had to act like one.
So Jun and Quan started a series of “adult projects” together.
Jun taught Quan everything from car maintenance to composting.
The teenager learned how to shop for groceries, cook a few basic meals that reflect his Chinese culture, and thoroughly clean the kitchen.
He was tutored by his dad in how to fill the dishwasher and the clothes dryer.
Jun increased Quan’s allowance but also made Quan responsible for more of his own expenses.
Quan was required both to give away 10 percent of what he received and to calculate how to divide the remaining 90 percent among clothes, food, and entertainment.
Jun met regularly with his son so they could evaluate together how he was doing with his adult responsibilities.
Quan’s younger siblings watched this process closely, eager for a foretaste of what awaited them.
Normally Quan would have balked at the idea of spending so much time with his dad, but learning to be an adult was a powerful motivation.
Quan still grumbled about some of the chores, but not nearly as much as normal.
Jun was doubly blessed — not only did he get exponentially more time with his son, but also he knew he was preparing Quan for what he would face after he left home.
Your Family
• What might motivate your teenager to learn new skills and take on new responsibilities?
• How could your time mentoring them in these new tasks build your relationship?
Mom Reads
Harry Potter First
Maggie was thrilled that her four kids all loved to read.
But she was less thrilled at the prospect of her kids diving into books that might not be developmentally appropriate for them.
So Maggie created a new policy: before her kids read a book, she has to read it (or at least skim it).
Maggie recalls, “There have been many years when I didn’t read a single book that I chose.
I’m a reader myself, so it was a sacrifice to spend so much time in just my kids’ books.”
What makes the sacrifice worth it for Maggie?
Not only does she get windows into teenage culture, but also she uses her teenagers’ books as conversation starters.
She often places sticky notes on pages she wants to talk over with her kids.
Her kids know that when they come across one of those sticky notes, they have to stop reading and find Mom to talk with her about what is going to happen next in the story.
By diving into her kids’ love for literature (if you can call novels about middle school friendships “literature”), Maggie is able to better navigate the cultural rivers flowing through her teenagers’ lives.
Your Family
• If any of your teenagers like to read, how would reading some of the same books add more depth to your relationship?
• For those of you whose teenagers aren’t prone to reading, how would watching some of their favorite TV shows, playing their preferred video games, or listening to their top music help you better connect with them?
How Can I Pray for You?
Tammi wants her teenage boys to know that not only is she willing to spend time with them talking about God, but she also spends time every day talking to God about them.
So she asks her two sons a simple question: How can I be praying for you?
She either writes down their answers or asks them to do so.
She keeps the sheets they have written in her prayer journal, but she makes copies to give back to her boys so they have reminders of her specific prayers for them.
By asking this simple question, Tammi learns more about her boys’ struggles and dreams, and her boys learn more about their mom’s passion for prayer.
Your Family
• What’s your best current way to share with your kids your prayers for them?
• How much do you share with your teenagers about what you’re praying for them?
• What might asking your teenagers for prayer requests and then giving them a written copy of those requests communicate to them?
An Eighth-Grade Prayer
Before storming down the hallway to his bedroom, Andrew yelled at Allison, “Mom, I’m tired of you, and I’m tired of this family.
You just don’t understand me.”
While feeling misunderstood is common to teenagers, Allison took an uncommon response.
She viewed Andrew’s tantrum as an opportunity to learn more about the source of his anger.
After a few minutes, she knocked on his bedroom door, walked in, and they had a long conversation about all Andrew was keeping from his mom.
Like how school is a “pressure cooker,” church is a place where he “has no friends,” and at home his parents “focus more on his brother than on him.”
Neither Andrew nor Allison cried, but they both came close.
To wrap up their conversation, Allison prayed a simple prayer with Andrew: “Lord, let us love you more, let us love each other more, and please fill us with your Holy Spirit.”
That one sentence became Allison and Andrew’s special prayer.
Through high school, they prayed it every day together, generally at night.
Now Andrew is away at college, but when he comes home for vacation, they pray that same prayer together.
Allison has a different prayer with her other son, Charlie.
She loves that her boys know they have a special spiritual connection both with their mom and with Christ.
Your Family
• What have you learned about your teenager when they showed you their anger, sadness, or fear?
• How would having a special prayer with each of your kids affect your relationships with them?
LOL = Loving Online
Entering into teenagers’ worlds means using the technology they use.
In
, we’ll talk more about how Sticky Faith parents have set boundaries on their family’s use of technology.
But creative parents also see technology as one of the best ways to enter their kids’ worlds.
Innovative parents use technology such as texting and social media to
My mom saw clients at her job, so she couldn’t always take my calls.
But my dad would
always answer the phone if he saw it was me, even in important business meetings.
— Mia
• let their kids know they are available for them at any time.
• tell their kids they’re thinking of them.
• remind their kids that they are praying for them, given what they are facing at school that day.
• share a Bible verse, maybe inserting their child’s name in the passage.
• chat with their kids onscreen while they are out of town.
• send pictures of what they are seeing or eating, especially when those things remind them of their kids.
Your Family
• How has technology already been a tool to show your teenagers you care?
• Which of these additional ideas might make your connections with your kids even stronger?
High School Bible
Wanting to show their sixteen-year-old son how much they cared about him, Pete and Kathy bought a Bible for him.
But they didn’t give it to him.
They kept it themselves and used it for the next two years as their own devotional Bible.
They prayed through it and made notes in it about passages that specifically related to their son.
Then they presented it to him when he turned eighteen.
Pete and Kathy did the same for their other three children, starting when each turned sixteen.
For all four of their young adult children, that Bible (even when it sits unopened on a bedroom shelf) is a powerful symbol of their parents’ spiritual investment.
Your Family
• This two-year project takes a major commitment of time, energy, and prayer.
For many of us, that commitment may seem beyond our capacity.
What could you do, even for a few weeks or a month, that would help you share your spiritual insights with your teenagers?
If You Want to Be My Boyfriend, You Have to Meet My Dad
Mark had a simple policy with his two high school daughters: any guy who wanted to seriously date one of them had to meet with him first.
Mark used the half hour coffee with the soon-to-be-boyfriend to talk with him about purity in dating and to let him know how precious his daughters are.
Mark’s wife reflects, “I don’t think any guy ever ran from our girls in fear.
But I know that every guy knew Mark was an active father who was keeping an eye on his girls.
Our girls knew that too.”
Your Family
• What role, if any, have you played in your teenagers’ dating relationships?
• Do you have any additional ideas that might be less potentially embarrassing to your kids and still show them how much you care?
Weekly Coffee Shop Meetings
Angel wanted to study a book about godliness with his seventeen-year-old son, but he wanted their discussions to feel special and manly.
So instead of talking at home, Angel meets his son at a local coffee shop.
Angel makes a point of not being home before their meetings so that his son has to meet him at the coffee house.
In talking through each chapter, father and son answer questions like, What stood out to you about this chapter?
What questions do you have?
What difference might this chapter make in your life?
The urgent and unimportant will always intrude if you don’t have a plan.
If you come in my office, I have a master calendar.
I put all mandatory meetings — meaning meetings my boss has scheduled — onto my calendar first.
Next go my personal times with my wife and kids.
Once I have my family time on my calendar, then I add the rest of my work appointments.
— Stuart
Angel’s son loves meeting his dad at a coffee shop and being treated like a peer.
Well, almost like a peer.
Angel still buys both their drinks, which is a small price to pay for the weekly chats with his son.
Your Family
• How much one-on-one time do you get with your teenager?
• How would meeting your teenager at a nearby restaurant or coffee house bring a different dynamic to your time together?
• What other ideas can you think of to make your time with your teenager feel more adult?
Investing in Memories
Once Daniel became a dad, he committed to investing in building family memories.
His gifts for his kids are generally something the family can enjoy together, like tickets to an amusement park or movie passes.
One Christmas, Daniel and his wife decided to get bikes for both of his kids.
Now at least once a month, all four of them go on bike rides, often all-day trips lasting from morning to evening (with plenty of snack and meal stops along the way).
Riding bikes has deepened his relationships with his teenagers.
As they pedal along streets and sidewalks, Daniel asks his kids questions they don’t have time to discuss in the short bursts of time they have together at home or in the car.
During one ride, Daniel asked his son, “What is one thing you wish I would do differently?”
His son thought for a few seconds and then answered, “Be nicer to Mom.”
It was a turning point for Daniel, in both his relationship with his son and his relationship with his wife.
Your Family
• How do you already try to invest in family memories?
• As you think ahead to the next major holiday, what gifts could you give that would build family memories?
Family Scripture Passage
When their children entered high school, Paul and Corrina felt their family needed a Scripture passage as a “family mantra.”
Paul and Corrina hoped to find a passage that captured their hopes for their family, but they wanted the passage to be one that their children could easily embrace.
After brainstorming with their kids themes to include in their mantra, Paul and Corrina felt led to Paul’s words in Romans 12:9 – 13: “Love must be sincere.
Hate what is evil; cling to what
is good.
Be devoted to one another in love.
Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Share with the Lord’s people who are in need.
Practice hospitality.”
Paul and Corrina hung this passage in their kitchen and gave both their kids a laminated copy of it.
When their kids showed only moderate interest in the passage, Paul and Corrina wondered whether their kids viewed it as Mom and Dad’s thing or their own thing.
That question was answered when their fifteen-year-old mentioned she had hung the passage inside her locker at her public school.
During my interview with Paul, I asked him, “Do you think your family will ever adopt a new passage?”
He answered, “No way.
Our kids won’t let us.”
Your Family
• What Scripture verses are meaningful to your teenagers?
• How can you make those verses a more central part of your home, family, and relationships?
Our Family’s Steps toward Sticky Faith
Take a few moments on your own, or with your spouse, your friends, or your small group, to reflect on some potential next steps toward Sticky Faith.
Sticky Findings
On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being “we stink at this” and 5 being “we rock at this”), rate your family on the research findings presented in this chapter.
1|
I step into my kids’ world instead of expecting them to step into mine.
2|
I protect our family time together.
3|
Our family has both planned and spontaneous time together.
4|
I don’t favor one of my children over the others.
Sticky Ideas
1|
What are you already doing to spend time with your teenager in ways that are meaningful to them?
2|
Given your ranking of the findings in the previous section, as well as the ideas you’ve read in this chapter, what one or two changes might you want to make in your family?
3|
What can you do in the next few weeks or month to move toward these changes?
