Money for afternoon snacks.
“Nathan, please go get my purse.”
Nathan had been counting the weeks leading up to his first weekend Boy Scout camp.
As we worked through the troop’s recommended packing list, I knew there was one item I needed to add to our preparation.
It had failed to make the master list but was just as important as extra socks.
It was a heart-to-heart discussion about pornography.
A few years prior, I had asked my husband when he first had been exposed to pornography.
He was twelve at a Boy Scout camp when a sixth-grade tentmate pulled out a magazine.
Our son was now twelve.
And headed to a Boy Scout camp.
So after rounding up a flashlight and first-aid kit, Dave and I sat on the edge of Nathan’s bed and talked with him about pornography — what it is and how he could respond.
We brainstormed what he could do and say.
(Sport-loving Nathan’s favorite response was, “I’d rather go play basketball.”)
We even did some role-playing.
Yes, it’s that fun growing up in the Powell family.
The morning of camp, I wanted to send Nathan off with some final words from me, words of encouragement and inspiration.
I stopped
him outside of his bedroom door, put my arm on his shoulder, and said, “Nathan, there are two things I want you to know.”
Smiling, Nathan looked up at me and guessed, “I’m awesome.”
I smiled back.
“Okay, Nathan, there are
three things I want you to know about camp.
Number one: you’re awesome.
Number two: your dad and I think you’re going to make good decisions.
Number three: even when you struggle, God likes and loves you, and we like and love you too.”
In the previous chapter, we looked at how Sticky Faith parents communicate to their children that God is fond of them, even when they blow it.
In this chapter, we’ll zoom in on how these same parents communicate a parallel message to their children as early as possible: “Not only is God fond of you; we’re crazy about you too.”
The affection we demonstrate to our children can plant seeds that bear fruit for years to come, not only in their relationships with us but also in their relationships with God.
Sticky Findings
The Power of Warmth
One study of relational dynamics in more than three hundred families, spanning thirty-five years, analyzed the power of warmth among the generations.
Family warmth was more correlated with faith transmission than any other relational factor (including the amount of contact children had with their parents or grandparents, the type of contact, and the number of children in the family).
Families in which parents and children felt close were more likely to be families in which children adopted the faith of their parents.
This was found to be true not just in evangelical and mainline Protestant families but in Jewish and Mormon families as well.
Special Daddy Bond
While both parents are important in creating a warm family atmosphere, fathers may be the more important relational barometer.
For instance, in evangelical Protestant families, 46 percent of children who feel “not close” to their fathers report that they have adopted the same faith as their parents.
For children in evangelical Protestant families who feel “close” to their fathers, that rate jumps to 71 percent.
That 25 percent gap in faith adoption dwarfs the 1 percent gain in faith adoption between children who feel “close” to their mothers and those who feel “not close” to them.
Wondering what might be unique about moms in building Sticky Faith?
We’ll dive into that in
.
This differential between maternal and paternal warmth also exists in mainline Protestant families, although not quite as dramatically.
Children from mainline Protestant families who feel “close” to their fathers have a 17 percent gain in adopting the faith of their parents compared with those who feel “not close” to their fathers.
Mainline Protestant children who feel “close” to their mothers have a 3 percent gain in following in the faith footsteps of their parents compared with those who feel “not close” to their mothers.
It’s How Close Your Child Feels to You That Counts
Regardless of your gender, do you think you know how close you are to your child?
Maybe, but maybe not.
In the same longitudinal study of families over thirty-five years, parents typically ranked their relationships with their children as more intimate and cohesive than their children did.
Researchers found that a child’s
perception of closeness matters more than the parent’s perception of closeness.
Your child is likely to be a more stringent grader of your family relationships, and their grade counts more than yours.
What if I feel “unwarm” toward my child?
What about when my child just ticks me off?
Smiling.
Singing.
Playing creative games with our children.
No parent can adhere to the cheerful picture of parenting painted by Julie Andrews in
The Sound of Music.
Instead of making playclothes out of curtains and producing lively puppet shows, we are bound to get frustrated and downright angry over our kids’ attitudes and actions.
How do we handle those feelings in ways that are healthy for ourselves and our families?
Perhaps one or more of these suggestions will help:
Determine whether you are getting the rest you need
.
Personal confession from me: I am twice as good of a parent when I am more rested and less stressed.
At least half of the frustration I feel toward and show my kids happens on those days when I don’t have enough emotional or logistical margin.
Examine whether your own issues are contributing to your frustration.
Often we parents overreact to our kids when we see qualities in them that we don’t like in ourselves.
Perhaps your frustrations with your moody son or overly dramatic daughter are more about what you wish you could change in yourself than what you wish you could change in them.
Remember that what bothers you about your child is likely also something you love about them.
You love your son’s independence but wish he’d be friendlier to other kids his age.
You treasure your daughter’s quick wit but wish she weren’t so sarcastic.
God has given your child amazing strengths they are figuring out how to use; in the process, your child often goes overboard.
Talk with your child about what you love about them and walk alongside them as they figure out how to be who God has made them to be — no more and no less.
As your children move into adolescence, view them with compassion.
It’s normal and healthy for teenage children to go through an extended season of “individuation,” meaning they are becoming individuals with an independent identity that builds upon but is separate from their family identity.
You may have more compassion when you realize it’s developmentally normal for them to push and pull on the emotional and relational strings that connect you to them.
Analyze your discipline strategy.
If you’re finding that your discipline system isn’t working with your family, maybe you need a new strategy.
Your consequences may have fit one age level but are too lenient or strict for your child’s new developmental stage.
Listen to your spouse or close friends.
None of us has 20/20 vision when it comes to our own parenting.
Ask your spouse or close friends what they think might turn up the warmth in your family relationships.
Have a heart-to-heart with your kids
.
Many of the Sticky Faith parents we interviewed weren’t afraid to bring up tough subjects with their kids.
In fact, they viewed those discussions as opportunities to strengthen both family communication and family relationships.
If your family is experiencing more strife than normal, take your kids out for dessert and talk about why that might be happening.
Without blaming any single family member, brainstorm the type of family relationships you’d like to have and what you all could do differently to make that vision a reality.
Do something fun together.
Some weeks, the time we spend with our kids consists only of busy mornings trying to get everyone out of the house, and tired evenings when we’re all blasted from the day.
Perhaps what your family needs in order to regain a more harmonious rhythm is a few hours of fun together.
Know when you need outside help.
If your norm is constant conflict with one or more of your children, it might be time to get outside help from a professionally trained therapist, counselor, or pastor.
Regardless of whether it’s appropriate for that advisor to meet with your child, start with yourself.
Your discussions with the right person can unearth the roots of what’s bothering you and lead to greater peace for you — and maybe your family too.
Sticky Ideas
Family Meetings
After dinner on Tuesdays, the Wellborn family clears the dishes from the table and then sits back down for their weekly family meeting.
Tom and Marcia started these meetings to give their family a chance to share their perspectives on what’s going well — and not so well — in their household.
It has also become a time to review the week ahead so everyone understands the logistics of science projects and softball car pools.
Often the meeting has a theme question, like, How can we be more of a team?
or, Why have we not been nice to each other this week?
But sometimes the discussion bounces from topic to topic — from dinner leftovers to a child who’s feeling left out.
Some family meetings are long; others last only a few minutes.
Sometimes one of the children brings a current event for the family to pray about together; other times the meetings end with family members sharing personal prayer requests and praying aloud for each other.
I wish we had done a better job helping our kids look for answers to their prayers.
We lift all sorts of things to God in prayer, but are we coming back around and recognizing God’s answers?
— Jeremy
Occasionally the four Wellborns study Scripture or memorize a Bible verse together.
But truth be told, most of the time they don’t.
Usually the kids seem to enjoy the family meetings, but when their enthusiasm wanes, Tom and Marcia ask their kids how they could improve their time together.
In the midst of the variety offered, Tom and Marcia strive to make one quality universal in all of their family meetings: “We make sure the kids know they have a voice and can share their experiences, so they know their feelings matter.”
Your Family
• What, if any, sort of regularly scheduled communication do you have with your children?
• How do you think some sort of regular meeting would benefit your family?
• If even the term “family meeting” feels overly structured to you, what sorts of gatherings would best fit your family and give your children a voice in your family decisions?
Don’t Fight or Mom Will Make Us Hold Hands
While clashes between parents and children can cause families’ “warmth temperature” to fall a few degrees, equally problematic can be conflict among kids.
Many families find that fights among siblings are more frequent — and more chilling — than any other form of family conflict.
One creative mom we interviewed came up with a way to
prevent her young kids from fighting: when they get into disagreements, she makes them hold hands.
She gives them full opportunity to air their grievances and frustrations with each other, but they have to do it while holding hands.
During a long car trip, this mom overheard the initial backseat rumblings of a potential fight between her two sons.
But the eight-year-old quickly told his six-year-old brother, “Don’t fight.
Mom will make us hold hands.”
Your Family
• How does your typical response to your kids’ sibling skirmishes help — or hinder — your ability to relate tenderly to them?
• This family found that holding hands got their kids’ attention and made them less likely to fight with each other.
What dramatic step could you take that would accomplish the same in your family?
Annual Overnighters
As a youth leader, I often tell families that a student who attends a weekend retreat experiences the relational equivalent of attending Sunday school for six months.
In more than twenty-five years of student ministry, I’ve found nothing that bonds adults and kids more than time away.
The Sticky Faith parents we interviewed often capitalize on that same “overnight mojo” to build stronger bonds with their kids.
These overnighters aren’t all that expensive or glamorous.
Parents use the time to play games, make forts in hotel rooms, explore local neighborhoods, or dive deeper into family discussions over ice cream or pancakes.
But when you’re eight years old, any room with a TV and an ice machine down the hall is a thrill, even if it’s a two-star hotel fifteen minutes from your house that your dad found online.
But what the overnighters sometimes lack in charm and room decor, they more than make up for in conversation and memories.
Your Family
• What has happened in your family when you’ve been able to do overnighters away from home or in your back yard or even “camping” in your living room?
• Is it realistic for you to budget the time and money required to do a special overnighter with all your children, or perhaps one child at a time, sometime in the next year?
Special Seasons
Sticky Faith parents seem to look for reasons — maybe even excuses — for celebrations and date nights with their kids.
Blanca initiated a “seasonal date” tradition with her son, Emilio.
Four times a year — at the start of winter, spring, summer, and fall — Blanca takes Emilio out for an after-school or dinner date.
Sometimes Blanca and Emilio engage in an activity that’s related to the start of the season.
They’ll search for the prettiest autumn leaf they can find in September or the best bouquet of wildflowers they can pick in March.
Other times they get sushi and share highlights of the past three months and dreams for the next three months.
Regardless of what they do, this quarterly time together gives both Blanca and Emilio a sense that not only is the year unfolding, but so is their relationship.
Your Family
• For those of you who live in regions where the weather is dramatically different from season to season, what family ritual might you want to start?
• For those of you who live in regions without much weather variation, are there other annual rhythms (perhaps connected with your kids’ school calendars) that would be more vivid?
Same Prayer, Every Day
Before their oldest was even born, Adam and Robyn asked God how they should be praying for their kids.
After thinking about their own individual strengths and combined passions, Adam and Robyn felt led to pray that their children would be people who
know God loves them,
love and serve God and others,
lead and learn,
are gentle but strong,
are content but take risks.
Starting while their children were in utero, Adam and Robyn have prayed this prayer every day for their kids, now ages ten, eight, and five.
The kids have it memorized and sometimes pray it aloud with them.
While it can feel a bit rote at times, Adam and Robyn love that their kids know they asked God to show them how to pray even before their kids were born.
Your Family
• What prayers tend to be most meaningful to your children?
• If you have a prayer (even a sentence or two) that you privately pray for your children, how might sharing that prayer with them show them how much you care?
Baptism Birthday
Alfredo and Susanna’s denomination encourages infant baptism as an early sign that the children are joining the covenant community.
To help their three children remember and celebrate their baptism, Alfredo and Susanna throw each child an annual baptism birthday party.
Alfredo and Susanna invite the same godparents who were present at the baptism to dinner on that child’s baptism anniversary.
They request that the godparents bring a Scripture text with them
that summarizes their hopes and prayers for that child for the next year.
My wife is great at throwing family celebrations.
For birthdays, she makes big posters and hangs up banners around our house.
We’ve also experienced illness in our family; our oldest son has had cancer three times.
Once when he finished his chemotherapy regimen, my wife threw a big party for him with our family and friends in the hospital room.
In that time of real sadness, it was also a time of real joy that he had finished that treatment and we were able to celebrate with him.
— Bruce
On the night of the baptism birthday, the family enjoys a dinner menu selected by the child being honored (which tends to mean a lot of hot dogs, pizza, and macaroni and cheese).
Alfredo and Susanna retell the child’s baptism story, and the godparents present the verse for the year.
The end of the meal is marked with cake and prayer.
No gifts are given, but it ends up being as exciting to the child as their actual birthday.
Next to each child’s bed is a framed photo of their baptism in which the Scripture text for the new year is inserted.
While the three children don’t remember the day of their baptism, they are surrounded by reminders of the people who loved them that day and continue to love them today.
Your Family
• For those of you whose faith tradition includes infant baptism, what might you do annually to commemorate that baptism?
• For those of you who don’t practice infant baptism, what other rituals (such as baby dedication, First Communion, or baptism later in life) could be celebrated and honored every year?
Birthday Dates
While Gabe valued his time with all three of his kids together, he found a special connection when he had only one pair of eyes looking at him instead of three.
He liked the idea of one-on-one monthly time with each kid, but he needed a scheduling tool to make sure it didn’t slip through the calendar cracks.
So Gabe started doing monthly birthday dates.
His second-
grader was born on May 8, so on the eighth of every month, his second-grader gets an hour with just dad.
An hour alone to do whatever he wants, whether that is play a board game, go on a hike, or grab an ice cream cone.
The same is true for his fourth-grader on the fourteenth and his fifth-grader on the twenty-seventh.
It is three hours out of Gabe’s month that Gabe has never missed.
Even if he wanted to, his children wouldn’t let him.
Your Family
• Given that you have limited time with your children, what balance would you like to strike between time with all of your kids together and one-on-one time?
• What made Gabe so effective is that he went from a vague “I’d like to get together with each kid monthly” to a specific plan and a specific date.
If the birthday date doesn’t work for your family, how can you move from good intentions to actually scheduling time with your kids?
Monthly Conversation Journals
Gabe was not the only parent we interviewed who desired a monthly date with each of his children.
Inspired by what they had heard about Sticky Faith, the Bonner family decided not only to schedule regular one-on-one times with their kids but also to keep a timeless record of those conversations and experiences together.
So Donny and Andrea let both of their kids select a journal from a local office supply store.
Their monthly one-on-one dates always involved something fun (like playing tennis, baking brownies for a neighbor, or heading to a movie) as well as a good conversation.
Over smoothies or lunch, each parent would ask whichever child was with them questions like, What’s your favorite thing about our family?
What would you change about our house?
Which friend would you like to get to know better?
The parent would jot down not only the questions but also their kid’s answers.
Then it was the child’s turn to ask questions.
Most of their
questions were pretty tame, such as, What do you do at your job?
or, What’s your favorite restaurant?
But at times the child’s questions gave Andrea or Donny a poignant (and often painful) glimpse into the kid’s psyche that they wouldn’t otherwise have.
Like the time when their daughter asked Donny, “Why are you working so much at night?”
Or when their son asked Andrea, “Why don’t we sit down together at dinner anymore?”
While I love planned outings with my kids, I’ve found that some of my best conversations happen impromptu — when my kids are ready to have them.
The question I have to ask myself is, Am I willing to interrupt my schedule because my kid just said something completely bizarre or powerful?
— Kenneth
Those questions and answers were also noted in the journals.
When not in use on their family dates, those two journals stood proudly on the Bonners’ living room bookshelf, a constant reminder of the family members’ rich time together.
Your Family
• For some parents, writing down notes from a conversation feels too formal and stuffy.
If that’s the case for you, how can you commemorate and remember those special times and discussions with your children?
• What questions do you think your kids might want to ask you?
Instead of guessing, how about grabbing some hot chocolate and asking them to share questions they have for you or your family?
Celebrating Your Family Heritage
For Paul and Yuna, building a warm, intimate relationship with their children means celebrating their family heritage.
Yuna is Korean-American; Paul is an Anglo-Saxon, Greek, Messianic Jew.
When it comes to playing the race or ethnicity card, their three elementary-age children have quite a full hand.
While Paul and Yuna view their children first and foremost as followers of Jesus, they also want them to have a strong sense of their cultural roots.
To fulfill that goal, every year Paul and Yuna
invite fifteen or so friends over to observe the Messianic Passover.
To help their children connect with their dad’s Jewish history, Paul and Yuna involve their children in all aspects of the ceremony, from preparation ahead of time to specific roles during the ceremony and discussions afterward.
Paul and Yuna also introduce their kids to Greek and Korean language, food, and even dress, all to help their kids learn about and enjoy every facet of who they are and who their family is.
For Paul and Yuna, exposing their kids to the vast and varied branches of their family tree is part of what bonds them to their family members both past and present.
Your Family
• If you have divergent cultural currents that unite in your family, how do you try to honor those various and beautiful streams that make you who you are?
• If your family is more monocultural, how can you help your children come to appreciate that particular culture?
• How might increased appreciation for your family’s cultural background make a difference in your family relationships?
A Soccer Goal for an Ice Cream
Scott loved watching his stepsons play soccer.
For many parents, AYSO (American Youth Soccer Organization) stands for “All Your Saturdays Occupied.”
For Scott, it represented a chance to show his stepsons that he cared about them and that he was proud of them.
Soccer came naturally for Scott’s oldest, ten-year-old Trevor.
It was the rare game in which Trevor didn’t score a goal.
But for eight-year-old Devon, soccer was more of a struggle.
It wasn’t that he was bad; it was just that he wasn’t particularly good.
If there were a medal for mediocrity, it would have been Devon’s.
In an effort to motivate his stepsons to try their hardest, Scott told them that each soccer goal they scored would be worth ice
cream for the family.
Both boys loved this idea, largely because they knew that Trevor could score lots of goals.
Devon went scoreless for the first few games, but that was okay.
Trevor was scoring enough to make up for it.
Not a weekend went by without ice cream.
As Scott and his two sons celebrated over these treats, Scott found it easy to verbally recount Trevor’s soccer prowess.
This ice cream ritual seemed to be working.
Or so Scott thought, until one day on the way home from yet another scoreless game for Devon, when Devon said somewhat quietly in the back seat, “Scott, I know I don’t do that well in sports, but do you realize that you have never, not once, told me that I’ve done well?”
Scott’s heart plummeted.
He had been so well intentioned, but the ice cream ritual had backfired.
Scott’s effort to affirm his stepsons’ accomplishments had done the opposite.
He had intended the treat to be a tangible reminder of his love for them, but instead it sent the message that his love and affirmation was something Devon needed to earn.
Scott had unknowingly set a high bar, a bar that Devon thought he would never be able to clear.
And Devon was probably right.
Scott immediately revised his ice cream policy.
He now takes out both boys for ice cream every game day, regardless of whether either of them scored.
As they sit on the curb, cones in hand, Scott compliments
both boys on their accomplishments and their attitudes.
Your Family
• In the midst of rewards you’ve offered for sports or school, in what ways might you have unintentionally communicated that your love is conditional or that your approval is based on what your children do?
• What can you do to show your children that you are crazy about them whether they succeed or fail?
Warm and Fuzzy Bedtime
Many of the Sticky Faith parents we interviewed find bedtime a “yummy” (to quote one mom) time to connect with their elementary-age children.
Some of the ideas our team found most noteworthy are:
• Singing the doxology together so that the children know that “singing to the Lord is a natural thing.”
• Keeping a family journal that tracks what they’ve prayed about at night and how God has answered those prayers.
• Reading together from a children’s Bible.
• Learning Scripture together.
(One family started teaching their kids nighttime Bible verses at age two.)
• Asking their children, especially later in elementary school, “How’s your heart?”
Perhaps the most vivid example of bedtime tenderness came from one dad who sings a couple of songs each night to his son, often rubbing his son’s back while he sings.
Those two songs (one of which his dad made up to boast about how much he loves his son) and that backrub are a tradition that has lasted every night for thirteen years.
Now at age fourteen, the son still asks for those two songs and a backrub every night.
Okay, moment of confession: When I’m really tired at bedtime, I breeze through our normal rituals.
One time instead of waiting until I had tucked my daughter into her cozy bed, I actually prayed with her while she was brushing her teeth.
— Amber
As the dad described, “That’s the most intimate time each day we have with our son.
If I end up somehow skipping it, our son will come into our room an hour after bedtime and say, ‘I can’t get to sleep.
You haven’t sung to me yet.’ ”
Your Family
• What nighttime rituals are most meaningful to your family?
How are they already creating a sense of warmth and connection in your relationships with your kids?
• What other ideas do you have that might make your bedtime conversations even more special?
• After a long day at work or home, it may be hard to muster the energy to really connect with your kids at night.
If that’s true for you, what could you do in the few hours before your kids head to bed to save up your energy for these late-night rituals?
Our Family’s Steps toward Sticky Faith
Take a few moments on your own, or with your spouse, your friends, or your small group, to reflect on some potential next steps toward Sticky Faith.
Sticky Findings
On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being “we stink at this” and 5 being “we rock at this”), rate your family on the research findings presented in this chapter.
1|
Our relationships with our kids are characterized by loving warmth.
2|
While we recognize that warm relationships with both parents are important, our kids have a close relationship with their dad (or stepdad or another adult male).
3|
Our kids would say that our family has close, supportive relationships.
Sticky Ideas
1|
What do you already do to build close, loving relationships with your children?
2|
Given your ranking of the findings in the previous section, as well as the ideas you’ve read in this chapter, what one or two changes might you want to make in your family?
3|
What can you do in the next few weeks or month to move toward these changes?
