I’ve lived with two different men for sixteen years each.
One is my husband.
We have been married for sixteen years and are still going strong.
The other is my brother.
Matt is eighteen months younger than me, and we have always been close.
We grew up sharing not only the same last name and parents but also the same sense of humor and commitment to our faith.
The week before Matt’s wedding, I handwrote a four-page letter listing highlights of our relationship.
Like when we played hours of Go Fish at a picnic table and I kept winning.
My secret?
His mirrored sunglasses allowed me to see his cards.
Or the “rap” (quotation marks definitely warranted), which we adapted from a TV show, that repeated over and over again, “We have some fun but we get the job done.”
Even though we made up the song while we were in elementary school, almost every time we are together, we hum a few bars and chuckle.
Or sharing the back seat of the car, sometimes bickering with each other but more often playing games and serving as map readers (generally me) and sign readers (generally Matt) to help our mom as she was driving.
All three of these memories happened on family vacations.
In fact,
about 50 percent of the memories I included in Matt’s prewedding letter were from trips together.
Matt and I went to the same schools, were on the same swim team, were part of the same church, and had adjoining bedrooms fifty weeks per year.
But half of my fondest memories are from the two weeks each year when we were on a family vacation.
Sticky Findings
The Priority of Time Away Together
By far, the most common theme in Sticky Faith parents’ descriptions of their vacations is that they simply did them.
They made them a priority.
Despite all that parents were juggling, they didn’t drop that ball.
In the midst of this nearly universal priority placed on family travel, there was great variety in what these trips were like.
Some families drove to the next state; others flew to the next continent.
Some loved camping and sleeping under the stars; others loved resorts and sleeping under a down comforter.
Some enjoyed returning to the same location annually; others determined to head to a new destination every year.
Some wanted as much adventure and excitement as possible; others preferred decompressing by the pool, doing as little as possible.
Regardless of the size of the vacation budget, these Sticky Faith families invested multiple days each year to be together, away from the normal hassles and pressures felt by adults and kids alike.
As one dad described, “Whether we stay close or go far, our trips together build trust.
This might sound strange, but it is almost like we buy back family intimacy on every vacation.
The bonding that happens is worth every penny.”
Kids Have a Voice
While this next finding is not as pervasive as the previous one, Sticky Faith parents tended to give their kids a voice (and even a
vote) at various points along the vacation process.
Some parents involved their kids
before the holiday in helping select the destination.
One dad said, “I stopped going on vacation with my parents when I was sixteen, because they kept visiting historical sites that I found boring.
We’ve let our son help choose our destinations so he will look forward to the trips.”
Other parents involved their kids
during their travels by letting them decide together what the family did each afternoon.
A few
parents even gave each family member a turn in selecting what the family did that day.
One mom we interviewed explained, “We ask each family member ahead of time, ‘What’s the one thing you want to do or the one place you want to go during this vacation?’
It makes it a lot easier for our kids to spend an afternoon doing something they don’t really want to do, when they know that in the next few days they will get to choose the family outing.”
What if my kids say they don’t want to go on a family vacation?
My brother and I should have been excited, but in reality we dreaded an upcoming ten-day trip to Europe.
Why?
Because we knew we would miss our friends.
Why would we miss our friends?
Because we were fifteen and seventeen, and that’s how teenagers feel.
If your teenagers don’t want to go on vacation, odds are good they are worried about what they will miss back home.
It doesn’t make sense to us adults, but for a teenager, a week in paradise with family is no substitute for missing a three-hour party where “all their friends” will be.
When our travel schedule means our kids miss something important, I often ask this question: What can I do to make this up to you?
I don’t want to ask that question too often, lest we create a perennial parent-child bartering system.
But when it’s something out of our kids’ control (such as a previously scheduled family event) that means they have to miss something important to them, I want them to know I care about what they care about.
I never want to buy them something to compensate.
I figure that since they are disappointed about missing something social, that should be offset by another social activity, such as having an overnighter at our house or going to a movie with some friends.
If they don’t want to go on vacation for another reason — like they think they won’t have fun with just their family — then try asking a similar question: What can we do on vacation that would be fun?
In the long run, your child’s knowing that you care and want to listen to their ideas and are willing to nuance your vacation accordingly is far more important than whether you squeeze in that final museum together.
Still other parents engaged their kids
after each day’s events by inviting them to write down highlights in a family scrapbook or in individual journals.
If that felt forced, some families jettisoned the journals and circled their kids for conversation around the campfire or dinner table instead.
Sticky Ideas
The Best Ice Cream We Can Find
Roger’s work schedule often means he doesn’t make it home for dinner.
So for Roger and his family, vacations are an opportunity to reclaim meals together, especially dinner.
Not because their dinners are fancy or expensive but because Roger’s family takes their time and views dinner as more of a process than a meal.
If they are at restaurants, they slowly peruse the menu, experiment with appetizers, main dishes, and desserts they’ve never tried before, and try to savor every bite.
Every time we take a trip, our two daughters fight like cats and dogs the first two days.
But as our vacation adventures unfold, they bond together.
Our times away bring our girls together.
— Alisha
If they are staying in an apartment or a condominium and are cooking for themselves, each morning they choose the dinner menu for that night.
In the midst of their other activities that day, Roger and his family purchase as many ingredients as possible from a local food market so that their dish is both fresh and native.
Every evening, not only does the family eat together; they usually also prepare the meal and clean the kitchen together.
In addition, Roger’s family makes it a quest to find the best ice cream in each city they visit.
It takes some dedication, and often a scoop both after lunch and after dinner.
(Yes, it’s a sacrifice!)
But by the end of each vacation, they have determined the winning ice cream shop and reward that shop with quite a bit of business.
Your Family
• What role do meals play in your vacations?
• Perhaps you don’t want to be as focused on food as Roger’s family is, but are there ways that food (especially dinners) could become a passport to greater memories during your travels?
Scripture in the Sierras
As with the families of many Sticky Faith parents we interviewed, camping was a ritual for Christopher and his two daughters.
Being a single parent who longs for deeper relationships with his fifth-and seventh-graders, Christopher loves their days of hiking, fishing, and exploring.
One of their rituals is to bring board games and a Bible on a mountain climb.
Once they arrive at the peak, they play games, squeezing in a few paragraphs of Scripture here and there.
Sometimes the Bible passages don’t yield much conversation, or what they read feels abstract and a bit confusing, especially to the fifth-grader.
But other times what they read is right on target.
God’s Word perfectly captures what they are feeling and experiencing as they are surrounded by the wonder of God’s creation.
Your Family
• How, if at all, is God’s Word part of your family vacations?
• What baby steps could you take to include some Scripture in your travels?
Family History Trips
Having grown up in Puerto Rico, Javier decided to take his wife, Lynda, and his kids back to his hometown to meet some of his friends.
That first geographical foray into Javier’s history went so well that Javier and Lynda decided to take their kids to visit other locations that had been important in their past.
Like their first apartment in Chicago.
And their first home, which happened to be in London.
And their next home, which was in Cleveland (just a tad less glamorous than London).
As they visited the cities of their past, they introduced their kids to their favorite restaurants and haunts as well as to the people who shaped them into who they are today.
Your Family
• Can you imagine taking your kids to visit one of the cities where you lived in the past, either before or after you got married?
• What would you hope visiting that town or city would accomplish for your family?
Cultural Conversations
A major goal in Mary Sue and Steve’s family vacations is to expose their kids to various cultures.
At times that means traveling out of the country.
But more often it means visiting a nearby state.
Or even driving only a few hours from home to transplant themselves into urban or rural contexts that seem vastly different from their suburban norm.
Mary Sue and Steve make it a point to ask their kids questions about the culture they are visiting, such as,
• What do you notice here that’s the same as where we live?
• What’s different?
• What do you like about this culture?
• What about this culture feels different or challenging for you?
• What signs of wealth do you see in this culture?
• What signs of poverty do you observe?
• How do families tend to interact in this culture?
• How do people seem to live out their faith in this culture?
As our world flattens, Mary Sue and Steve want to give their kids the skills they need to float from culture to culture.
Your Family
• What types of cultures are your kids exposed to on your vacations?
• How would talking openly about those cultures expand your relationships as well as their view of the world?
Day Trippin’
Since her divorce, Fiona treasures her alternating Saturdays with her daughters.
After swinging by the farmer’s market for some fresh fruit and vegetables, she and the girls look at each other and ask, “Where are we going to go today?”
For Fiona’s family, Saturdays are minivacations, chances to drive an hour or two and see a different part of the Northern California region they call home.
To make it more interesting, the mom and daughters take turns choosing their journey’s end point.
The older daughter often selects the beach at the Santa Cruz boardwalk.
Her sister tends to opt for the hustle and bustle of San Francisco.
Fiona usually targets parks and forests that are within driving distance.
Fiona keeps a notepad to track where the threesome has been.
The notepad has two purposes: it helps capture family memories, and it reminds them of whose turn it is to choose the destination.
Your Family
• What role do weekends, or even just Saturdays, play in your family’s vacation habits?
• When in the near future can your family get away for a day?
How can you involve your kids in creating your itinerary?
School-Inspired Sites
Ron and Marguerite were so proud of all that their two teenagers, Ben and Amy, were learning at school.
In order to cement both the knowledge they had acquired as well as their family relationships, Ron and Marguerite decided that when possible, they would factor Ben and Amy’s academic subjects into their touring plans.
Traveling outside of the US wasn’t an option financially, but that was just fine.
There were plenty of pilgrimages they could take within America’s borders.
We took our kids to Colorado to climb one of its fourteen-thousand-foot peaks.
Our two teenagers made it to the top first.
I made it next.
My husband, who had just finished a crazy season at work and hadn’t had the chance to train at all, was struggling to finish.
So our oldest son headed back down and helped my husband with his pack so he could make it up.
My husband has been the boys’ coach and always helped them out.
Now the boys are bigger than he is, and the roles are reversed.
When my husband made it to the top, he said, “The next time we climb, I’m training.”
— Catherine
Studying the Civil War yielded a winter break trip through the Southeast.
The science unit on space exploration was a perfect jumping-off point for an April trip to Florida that included not just Disney World but also NASA’s Kennedy Space Center.
The book report on
The Scarlet Letter evolved into a summer vacation through New England.
Marguerite finds that her kids are more excited about their trips because they know that they will get to see in person some of the sites they have been reading about at school.
Your Family
• Maybe a trip to see the sites connected with your kids’ studies isn’t viable financially.
How could you link what your kids have learned recently to your next trip, wherever your destination?
Local Hotel Staycation
Melissa and Todd have realized that what their kids like the most about vacations is staying in a hotel.
For eight- and ten-year-olds, it doesn’t really matter where the hotel is as long as it has a swimming pool and a continental breakfast bursting with the sugared cereals that Mom and Dad forbid at home.
So every once in a while, instead of driving for a few days or flying for a few hours, the four of them head to a nearby hotel and enjoy local sites and restaurants.
With minimal travel time and few travel headaches, they end up with more time together just to relax.
Your Family
• What might your family lose by taking a staycation instead of a trip out of town?
• What might your family gain?
Fruit of the Spirit
Even though Vera and James knew it might be a stretch, they thought their three kids were ready for a weekend backpacking trip.
As a family that likes to hike, they had spent several Saturday afternoons tromping through their local mountains, so backpacking seemed like a logical next step (or more accurately, fifteen thousand steps).
But just in case, Vera and James invited another family to go with them.
They figured that having buddies along would improve their kids’ attitude and that having another family watching would encourage Vera and James to be more patient with their own kids.
(Besides, they had a lot of trail mix to carry, so a few other adults to share the load seemed like a plus.)
Since the kids from both families had been learning a song about the fruit of the Spirit at church, the four parents figured that would make a great theme for their weekend.
As they set off on the
trail, the parents told the kids to look for signs of group members showing the fruit of the Spirit, such as patience with a sibling who needs help crossing a stream or self-control displayed by an adult who waits last for s’mores after dinner.
At the end of each day, around a campfire, the kids taught the parents the fruit of the Spirit song from church.
Then everyone took turns sharing how they had seen those qualities in each other that day.
This evening ritual was a great way to recap the day as well as affirm the godly character of both generations.
Your Family
• What sorts of theme verses might fit your next family vacation?
• How would talking over how you’ve seen those verses in action each day change your conversations at dinner or later in the evening?
Vacation Sketches
Part of what Paul loves most about vacations is that they are his best chance to experiment with art.
During the rest of the year, his family/work/church merry-go-round leaves him little to no time to sketch or paint.
His annual family vacation is his primary opportunity to step off his crazy carousel and sit quietly for an hour with his watercolors and sketchpad.
Paul finds it especially relaxing to paint scenes from the vacation he is on, whether it’s the view from their hotel or a scene of his three kids swimming in the lake they visited yesterday.
Looking over his shoulder, Paul’s wife, Corrina, has been struck regularly by Paul’s ability to capture not just what their family has seen but also how they have felt when they are together out of town.
Instead of leaving these pictures in the portfolio Paul kept under his bed, Corrina decided to display them.
She bought a handful of inexpensive frames so she could mount one painting from each trip in the hallway leading to their kids’ bedrooms.
Now, in addition to the vacation mementos they have sprinkled around their living
room and family room, they have a personal and permanent art exhibit depicting their holiday highlights.
Your Family
• What vacation mementos do you have in your home?
What memories or feelings do they evoke in you and your kids?
• How could you make those keepsakes (or ones you will collect in the future) a more central part of your home decor?
Church Destinations
While some families think of vacations as a time to skip church, Thomas and Jane view them as a time to celebrate and explore different churches.
On their trips, Thomas and Jane have taken their children to visit and worship at a number of churches with historical significance, such as Christ Church in Philadelphia (the home church of fifteen signers of the Declaration of Independence) and New York Avenue Presbyterian Church in Washington, D.C. (Abraham Lincoln’s congregation).
When they are not visiting well-known churches, Thomas and Jane use weekends away with their kids to expose their teenage children to churches that are of a different denomination or have a worship style different from their home church.
By exposing their kids to churches of all flavors, they are expanding their children’s view of what it looks like to worship and serve God.
Your Family
• What role have churches played in your vacations up to now?
• If you’re not satisfied with your answer, what changes would you like to make the next time your family travels?
Our Family’s Steps toward Sticky Faith
Take a few moments on your own, or with your spouse, your friends, or your small group, to reflect on some potential next steps toward Sticky Faith.
Sticky Findings
On a scale of 1 to 5 (with 1 being “we stink at this” and 5 being “we rock at this”), rate your family on the research findings presented in this chapter.
1|
Our family makes vacations a priority in our schedule.
2|
Our kids have a voice in what we do during our vacations.
Sticky Ideas
1|
What about your vacations seems to make the most difference in your family’s relationships or faith?
2|
Given your ranking of the findings in the previous section, as well as the ideas you’ve read in this chapter, what one or two changes might you want to make in your family?
3|
What can you do in the next few weeks or month to move toward these changes?
