CHAPTER VII He who lives apart, and he who leads a public life have different cares
CHAPTER VII
He who lives apart, and he who leads a public life have different cares
But if a man has committed himself to whole multitudes, and is compelled to bear the sins of many, and yet remains unwavering and firm, guiding his soul in the storm as in the calm, he is the man to be justly applauded and admired of all; for he has displayed sufficient proof of personal excellence.
539. Wonder not then, if I, who abandon the forum, and popular assemblies, have not many accusers.
540. For nobody ought to wonder, if I sinned not while asleep, if I fell not when I did not wrestle, and if I received no wound when I did not fight.
541. Who, tell me, who will be able to speak against me, and to reveal any depravity? Will this roof or this room? Nay; they cannot utter a sound.
542. Will my mother, who knows me better than all? With her especially I am not in league, neither have we ever come to a quarrel. But even if this had happened, no mother is so callous and without love to her children, as to calumniate and slander before all men, him she travailed with, and bore, and reared, if no occasion compelled her, or nothing forced her.
543. Nevertheless, if any one should subject my soul to a careful test, he would find many things corrupt in it; and you who most of all are accustomed to extol me with your encomiums are aware of this.
544. I do not say these things now to depreciate myself; for recollect how often I have said to you, when similar conversation has frequently arisen: “If any one gave me the option to choose, where I would rather be distinguished, in the government of the Church or in the monastic life, I should prefer the former ten thousand times over;” and I have never ceased to eulogize to you those who were able to fill the ministerial office well. And everybody will admit that I should not have avoided what I eulogized if I had felt equal to its duties.
545. But what was I to do? Nothing is so profitless for the governance of the Church, as this sloth and lukewarmness, which others consider to be a sort of discipline, but which I regard as a veil for my own worthlessness, enveloping in it most of my shortcomings, and not letting them appear.
546. He that has been accustomed to enjoy so much freedom from occupation, and to live in great quiet, even though he be of a noble nature, is disturbed and troubled by his inexperience, and his want of practice removes no small portion of his personal ability; and if he is at one and the same time of slow understanding, and inexpert in such contests (which is just my position), he would be in no wise better than men of stone, if he accepted this stewardship.
547. For this cause few of those who come into these contests out of the monastic arena become conspicuous; but most of them betray themselves, and stumble, and their experience is unpleasant and painful. This is to be looked for; for if one’s contests and exercises are not of the same description (as he has been used to), he that contends is no better off than those who are undisciplined.
548. He who comes into this arena ought especially to despise glory, to be superior to anger, and to be filled with much wisdom; but no opportunity for training is supplied to him who affects the monastic life; for he neither has many to stimulate him to be careful to chasten the power of wrath; nor those who admire and applaud him, that he may learn to despise the praise of the multitude; while the wisdom which is required in the churches is of no great account with monks. When, therefore, they come into contests, of which they have not been careful to get experience, they are at a loss, they are in a maze, they fall into embarrassment, and, besides making no progress towards success, many oftentimes lose what they possessed when they came forward.