Chapter 6 — The Duty of Wives
So now I shall speak a word or two to those that are under him.
First, to the wife: The wife is bound by the law to her husband, so long as he lives. (Rom 7:2). So she has her work and place in the family, as well as the rest.
Now there are these important things in the attitude of a wife toward her husband, which she should conscientiously observe.
First, That she look on him as her head and lord. 'The head of the woman is the man' (1 Cor 11:3). And so Sarah called Abraham lord (1 Peter 3:6).
Second, She should be subject to him, as is fitting in the Lord. The apostle says, 'That the wife should submit herself to her husband, as to the Lord' [12] (1 Peter 3:1;Col 3:18; Eph 5:22). I told you before, that if the husband walks towards his wife as he should, he will be such a provision of God to her, besides the relation of a husband, that it will demonstrate to her the attitude of Christ to his church. In the same way the wife, if she walks with her husband as she should, will demonstrate the obedience of the church to her husband. 'So as the church is subject to Christ, let the wives be subject to their husbands in everything' (Eph 5:24). Now in doing this, you must first shun these evils.
1. The evil of a wandering and a gossiping spirit; this is evil in the church, and is evil also in a wife, who represents a church. Christ loves to have his spouse at home; that is, to be with him in the faith and practice of his things, not wandering and meddling with the things of Satan; so wives should not wander around and gossip. You know that Proverbs 7:11 says, 'She is loud and stubborn; she does not stay at home.' Wives should care for their husbands' business at home; as the apostle says, Let them 'be discreet, chaste, housekeepers, good, obedient to their husbands.' And why? Because otherwise 'the word of
God will be blasphemed' (Titus 2:5). 2. Be careful not to have an idle, chattering, or arguing tongue. This also is an evil, either in maids or wives. For the wife should know that her husband is her lord, and is over her as Christ is over the church. Do you think it fitting for the church to answer her husband back? Is she not to be silent before him, and to look to his laws, rather than her own ideas? Indeed, says the apostle, how should the wife behave towards her husband? 'Let the woman,' says Paul, 'learn in silence with all subjection. But I do not allow a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence' (1 Tim 2:11, 12). It is an unseemly thing to see a woman so much as once in all her life to offer to over-rule her husband; she should in everything be in subjection to him, and to do all she does, as having her warrant, licence, and authority from him. Here is her glory, to be under him, as the church is under Christ: Now 'she opens her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness' (Prov 31:26). 3. Be careful not to wear immodest clothing, or strut around; this will be evil both abroad and at home; abroad, it will not only give a bad example, but also tend to lust and temptation; and at home it will give an offence to a godly husband, and ruin ungodly children. So, as says the apostle, Let women's clothing be modest, as befits women professing godliness, with good works, 'not with plaited hair, or gold, or pearls, or expensive clothing' (1 Tim 2:9, 10). And as it is said again, 'Whose adorning, let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of expensive clothing: But let it be the hidden person of the heart, in what is incorruptible, the adorning of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For in this way, in the old time, the holy women, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection to their husbands' (1 Peter 3:3-5). But yet, do not think that by the subjection I have here mentioned that I intend women should be their husbands' slaves. Women are their husbands' yoke fellows, their flesh and their bone; and no man hates his own body, or is bitter against it (Eph 5:29). So, let every man 'love his wife as himself; and the wife make sure that she reverence her husband' (Eph 5:33). The wife is master next to her husband, and is to rule in his absence; yes, in his presence she is to guide the house, to bring up the children, provided she does it in such a way that the adversary may have no cause to reproach (1 Tim 5:10, 13). 'Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. A gracious woman retains honour:' and guides her affairs with discretion (Prov 31:10; 11:16; 12:4).
Object. But my husband is an unbeliever; what shall I do?
Answer. If so, then what I have said before is so much more important. For, 1. Your husband being in this condition will be looking out for your mistakes, to throw them as dirt in the face of God and your Saviour. 2. He will tend to make the worst of all your words and gestures. 3. And all this will tend to make him harder, prejudiced, and opposing his own salvation; so, as Peter says, 'you wives, be in subjection to your husbands; that, if any do not obey the word, they may also without a word be won by the lifestyle of the wives; while they behold your chaste lifestyle, coupled with fear' (1 Peter 3:1, 2). Your husband's salvation or damnation lies much in your attitude and behaviour before him; so, if you have any fear of God, or love for your husband, seek, by a life full of meekness, modesty, and holiness, and humble behaviour before him, to win him to love his own salvation; and by doing this, how 'how do you know, O wife, whether you shall save your husband?' (1 Cor 7:16).
Object. But my husband is not only an unbeliever, but one very contrary, irritable, and difficult; so contrary that I know not how to speak to him, or behave before him.
Answer. Indeed there are some wives greatly oppressed by their ungodly husbands; and as such should be pitied, and prayed for; so they should be so much the more watchful and careful in all their ways.
1. Therefore be very faithful to him in all the things of this life. 2. Bear with patience his unruly and unconverted behaviour; you are alive, he is dead; you are principled with grace, he with sin. Now, then, seeing grace is stronger than sin, and virtue than vice; do not be overcome with his vileness, but overcome that with your virtues (Rom 12:21). It is a shame for those that are gracious to be as uncontrolled as those that lack grace: Those who are 'slow to wrath are of great understanding; but those who are hasty of spirit, exalt folly' (Prov 14:29). 3. If at any time you wish to speak to your husband for his conviction, concerning anything, either good or evil, your wisdom is to choose the right time and opportunity: There is 'a time to keep silence, and a time to speak' (Eccl 3:7). Now to time it right,
(1) Consider his mood; and speak to him when he is farthest off of those filthy passions that are your afflictions. Abigail would not speak a word to her churlish husband till his wine was gone from him, and he was sober (1 Sam 25:36, 37). The lack of this is why so much is spoken, and so little effected. (2) Speak to him at those times when he is tender to you, and when he shows tokens of love and delight in you. Thus did Esther with the king her husband, and prevailed (Ester 5:3, 6; 7:1, 2). (3) Notice when his conscience is troubled, and then speak with sound and grave sayings of the Scriptures. Manoah's wife dealt with her husband like this (Judg 13:22, 23). Yet then, (a) Let your words be few. (b) And none of them expressing superiority; but speak still as to your head and lord, by way of entreaty and pleading. (c) And that in such a spirit of sympathy, and heart of affection after his good, that the way you speak may show him that you speak in love, knowing his misery, and stirred in your soul with desire after his conversion. (d) And follow your words and behaviour with prayers to God for his soul. (e) Still keeping yourself in a holy, chaste, and modest behaviour before him.
Object. But my husband is a drunkard, a fool, and one that has not enough sense to follow his job in the world.
Answer. 1. Though all this is true, yet you must know he is your head, your lord, and your husband. 2. So you must be careful of desiring to take authority over him. He was not made for you; that is, for you to rule over him, but to be your husband, and to rule over you (1 Tim 2:12; 1 Cor 11:3, 8). 3. So, though truly you may have more discretion than he, yet you should know that you, with all that is yours, is to be used as under your husband; even 'everything' (Eph 5:24). Be careful therefore, that what you do goes in his name, not yours; his exaltation, not yours; carrying all things so, by your skill and prudence, that you do not show one of your husband's weaknesses to others : 'A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that shames him is as rottenness in his bones.' For then, as the wise man says, 'she will do him good and not evil, all the days of her life' (Prov 12:4; 31:12). 4. So continue, as being under the power and authority of your husband.
Now concerning your attitude to your children and servants. You are a parent, and a mistress, and so you should keep yourself lowly. And besides, seeing the believing woman is a figure of the church, she should, as the church, nourish and instruct her children, and servants, as the church, that fulfil that also; and truly, the wife being always at home, she has great advantage that way; so do it, and the Lord prosper your doing.