Getting Personal: Christ and Your Talk
Chapter Three
The Word in the Flesh
The Word
became flesh and blood and moved into the
neighborhood. (John 1:14)
I have been married for over a quarter of a century. God has given me a godly wife who has more character than I do. Luella and I enjoy a wonderful relationship in many ways. We were both raised in Christian homes where we were taught the truth from infancy. Both of us came to Christ as children and were educated at a Christian college. We have spent our lives in ministry and have been blessed to sit under fine biblical teaching. We have worked hard to follow Christ’s design for our marriage.
We spend time together weekly outside the home to talk about issues that need to be discussed. We have tried through the years to have daily family worship. Yet as I was preparing this book, I recognized that despite all of this, we are not free of trouble in our communication. I don’t mean that we are screaming and yelling. We are not always angry and at each other’s throats. But we don’t have to look back very far to see sin in our talk. It may have been a word hastily and thoughtlessly spoken, a word of irritation, a quick accusation, a selfish comment or demand, an “I told you so” where a word of comfort or encouragement was needed. It might have been an impatient retort, a moment of needless nit-picking, a comment filled with self-righteousness or self-pity, or a situation where past sins are resurrected for a moment.
Even with all of the scriptural teaching we have received, with all of our personal commitment and practical effort, with all of our pleas for forgiveness and prayers for help, as a couple we still have problems with our talk. This is how great our need is! This is how deep our problem is!
Our Tendency to Forget
When I go to Christian bookstores, I sometimes wonder if we have forgotten what our real problem is. Do we really think that we are going to solve life-long communication problems with human insights and snazzy techniques? Have we forgotten that communication problems reveal problems at a much deeper and more fundamental level? If we do not tackle these deeper issues, we will never solve the problems of our daily communication. If knowledge and skill were all we needed, Luella and I would have solved the problems with our talk long ago. But we need something deeper than technique, skill, and knowledge. Every day this deep need is revealed as our family communicates.
Recently I watched my sons argue with each other. This was nothing new; they are two years apart and have had many arguments. In fact, this particular argument is one they have had many times before. Yet this time it captured my attention. Their words were laden with accusation. Their tone was angry. No one stopped to listen as the volley of words escalated and the volume increased. It wasn’t long before they had abandoned the issue at hand to hurl hurts from the past at each other. They both spoke out of pain, frustration and anger, impatience and jealousy. They weren’t speaking to solve problems or listening to understand. Their words were simply weapons in a war. Each of them wanted to silence the other and win. Their sentences were full of “you always” and “you never.” They both stood there, wrapped in their robes of self-righteousness, feeling quite justified in accusing the other. And even though they kept on ventilating, they both communicated the belief that they were wasting their time. They were sure that the other would never “get it.”
As I listened, two thoughts gripped me. The first was that I didn’t want to have to deal with this “war” the first thing in the morning. But the second thought was more theological and more gripping. I realized that I had never taught my boys how to argue and fight. I had never taught them how to wound each other with words. I had never lectured them on the right moment to dump a record of wrongs on another person. I had never sought to impart to them the skills of accusation and condemnation. Yet my sons fenced with confidence and skill. They had a natural talent to use words to do exactly what their angry hearts desired.
As I began to intervene, my heart was filled with sadness. I could stop the argument, but I could not change what really needed to be changed. Moreover, I was powerfully aware that what needed to be changed within them still needed to be changed within me. In our home there is seldom a few hours (let alone a whole day) that goes by without some kind of conflict! (And, believe it or not, we have a family that is doing pretty well.) How deep is our need! I spoke to my boys with tears that morning, because for once I was more gripped by the gravity of our spiritual need than by my frustration over another petty quarrel to solve.
Perhaps you are wondering if my boys would benefit from learning better communication techniques or a better sense of location and timing. No doubt they would, but the war of words that morning went much deeper than that. Deep spiritual needs were revealed that would not be alleviated by a few principles on good communication.
The Coming of the Word
How does God, the Great Speaker, address our need in this area? He does not demand that we meet his standard in our own strength. No, he sends his Son, the Word, to take on flesh, to live as a man and to be the most glorious of all of God’s messages to us! The Word became flesh. Listen to the words of John.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. . . .
He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
. . . From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father’s side, has made him known. (John 1:1–5, 10–14, 16–18)
Think on this. The God who created speech and spoke the world into existence, the God who used human words to reveal himself to his people throughout the ages, comes to his world as the Word, to people who have forsaken him. He is not only a speaker of truth, he is Truth, and only in him is there any hope for us. Only in the Word do we find hope to win the war of words and speak again according to our Maker’s example and design. The Word became flesh because there was no other way to fix what is broken in us.
The fact that the Word came in the flesh tells us something very significant about our trouble with talk: Our problem is not fundamentally one of ignorance or ineptness. Remember the words of James: “All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:7–8). James’s point is that our communication problems cannot be solved by normal human means. Changes in location, situation, education, training, exercise, or the nature of the relationship will not solve the problem. The tongue is humanly untameable! It is a powerful, restless evil that leaves all of us confounded.
The War Beneath the War of Words
There is a fundamental biblical observation we need to make at this point: The Word would not have come to our world if our struggle were primarily a struggle of flesh and blood. The problem with our words is an intensely spiritual one, a problem of the human heart. Perhaps you’re a wife who is very hurt by the way your husband communicates with you. Or maybe you’re a teenager, and it’s hard not to feel condemned by the way your parents talk to you. Maybe you’re a husband who is bitter over the lack of respect given to you by your family. Each of us has been personally hurt by the words of others, and each of us has spoken words that have stung others. Because of this, it is important to recognize that the war of words is actually the fruit of a greater, more fundamental war. This war is the war of wars; it is what life is about. Paul refers to this war in Ephe-sians 6:12 when he says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
In Ephesians 4 Paul says a great deal about the talk of the body of Christ. He calls us to be “completely humble and gentle,” to “be patient, bearing with one another in love,” to “make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace,” to speak “the truth in love,” to “put off falsehood and speak truthfully to [your] neighbor.” He says, “‘In your anger do not sin.’ Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” He urges us to “not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.” He calls us “to get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice,” to “be kind and compassionate to one another,” and to “[forgive] each other, just as in Christ God forgave [us].” In Ephesians 5 and 6 Paul applies these principles to the church, the home, and the outside world.
You cannot read what Paul has to say without being impressed with the depth and scope of the commands. Perhaps you’re thinking as you read, Paul, you’ve got to be kidding! Completely humble and gentle talk in our home? No way! Communication that is free of all anger and malice? That will be the day! Yet this is what Paul calls us to. And these commands are intended to help us.
You say, “They don’t help me—they just leave me discouraged!” But maybe that is the point. When you face God’s high standard for our words and see how far short we all fall from it, you are driven to recognize two things that are the focus of this chapter. First, you and I are immediately faced with the fact that we have grave problems in our communication that are much more fundamental than skill, technique, and vocabulary. The second fact flows from the first: Since our need runs deeper than technique, we need more than a training course or a new set of skills. We need the rescue that only Jesus, the living Word and our Redeemer, can provide.
So, when our best efforts to win the war of words have failed, we encounter the greatest hope of all. But it is not in us or our potential. It is in the Word and his presence, power, and promises. Because Jesus has come to live, die, and be raised for us, there is hope that we can speak as God has designed.
Life Is War
In light of that, Paul’s words in Ephesians 6:12 could not be more practical. When Paul writes about spiritual warfare at the end of this letter, he is not changing the subject; he is summarizing everything he has said before (including all he has said about communication). Paul is zealous for us to realize that life is war, not with other people, but with spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms! This is what is being played out in the home, the church, the workplace, and the community. This war is what makes each of these forums difficult. We are not fighting only to get along with one another. Far more importantly, we are fighting to withstand the Devil’s schemes against us!
Life is war. A dramatic conflict is underway between the forces of the Great Speaker and the Great Deceiver. While God is seeking to root us deeper in his life, his peace, and his truth, Satan seeks to uproot us by deceitful scheming, plausible lies, and cruel trickery. Like all wars, this war is for control. It is a war for our hearts. And if this spiritual war were not going on, there would be no war of words.
This amplifies our understanding of the gospel, of why it was necessary for Jesus to come. Jesus, the living Word, came as Revelation and Redeemer so that we would have what we need to stand our ground in the midst of conflict. In ourselves we are no match for these “spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” So Christ came, not only as the Word but as the Second Adam. The first Adam represented us all, and when he faced Satan, he believed his lies, succumbed to his trickery, and fell into sin. Christ had to come as the Second Adam, again as our representative, to face Satan. Thus, before his public ministry, Christ faced his foe. Three times he was tempted with the same old lies and trickery. Three times he defeated Satan, demonstrating his power over the forces of evil and accomplishing a great victory for us (see Matt. 4:1–11; 12:22–29; Rom. 5:12–21).
Through his work, Christ empowers and equips us for the battle so that when the evil day comes, we will be able to stand firm, letting nothing move us away from the life to which he has called us. This life includes speaking in a way that is worthy of the gospel. Jesus’ victory gained for us the ability to live at peace with him and one another.
This gives us a completely different perspective on the fight about who gets the bathroom first or who ate the last of the family’s favorite cereal. The problem of these moments goes beyond the surface issues of too many people, too few bathrooms, and too many empty boxes of cereal. We are what is wrong in each situation. We are the common element in all of our communication problems. And it is vitally important that we neither minimize our problem (by saying that these moments are not important) nor give in to cynicism (by saying that there is no real hope of change). These little moments do matter, for they are where we live everyday. Yet there is hope of substantial change because Jesus Christ, the Word, the Redeemer, has given us every resource we need to speak as we are meant to speak.
The Right Resources for the Struggle
What has the Word given us so that we can speak up to God’s standard and according to his design? In a brief prayer in Ephesians (1:15–23), Paul uses four dynamic words to capture the resources that are ours because of Christ’s redeeming work.
The first word is hope. In the Word we find hope for our words. This hope is not a dreamy wish or an unfounded expectation. No, biblical hope is nothing less than a confident expectation of a guaranteed result. In him we can win the war of words. We do not have to settle for bitter, angry, destructive, divisive communication. We can have high standards and set lofty goals, not because of who we are, but because of what he has done. So we refuse to settle for the status quo, to let the creeping cynicism of hopelessness cause us to give up in the face of struggle. No, we live and speak with faith and courage, believing that something better can be achieved because of what he has done.
As a wife, you cannot let yourself believe that your marital communication will never improve. In the Word there is hope. As a husband, you cannot give in to your anger and the words that it dictates. There is hope. As a friend, you cannot refuse to talk in your moment of hurt, believing it won’t matter. There is hope. As a parent, you must believe that you can minister to your children even out of your own hurt and exhaustion, because the Word has come and, with him, hope. Reader, ask yourself, Does my communication flow out of my confidence in the resource-giving work of the Word?
What is our hope of speaking in a godly manner when a rebellious teenager is resisting us? What is our hope of speaking as God designed with a distant husband, a critical wife, a bitter Christian friend, or a contentious neighbor? Where will we find the strength to speak rightly to a hard, demanding, unthankful boss or self-centered, complaining children? What hope do we have for wholesome communication when we enter a difficult conversation already tired and discouraged? What will we do when we struggle with our own bitterness, when we are angry or struggling with wanting our own way? What will help us when we feel falsely accused, unappreciated, unnoticed, or taken for granted? What is our hope of speaking in a way that promotes the work of God rather than the desires of our sinful natures? Our only hope is the Word. His work on our behalf totally alters the way we can respond to the struggle of words.
You know how it works. Most of our daily communication isn’t organized and scripted. We are constantly thrust into moments that were not part of our agenda for the day.
Let’s say that my son came to me one Thursday night at 10:30 and said, “Dad, I’ve got a science project due tomorrow and there are a few things I need.” Bear in mind, he has known about this assignment for weeks! Trying to keep my composure, I ask him what he needs. “Well, I need some poster board,” he says tentatively. “That’s not too bad,” I think. “We can piece together the cardboard that is lying around the house.” “Anything else?” I ask. He says, “Well, I sorta need some markers.” I can feel my irritation level rising, but I reason we can probably pour water into some of the dried-up markers lying around to get through one more project. Again I ask, “Is there anything else?” And with a frightened mumble he says, “Twelve baby chickens.” I cannot believe what I’m hearing! I feel my face flush red. “Sure, I’ll just run down to the all-night chicken store and pick up a fresh dozen!”
In a flash the war breaks out—no, not between my son and me, but within my heart. I’m angry and frustrated. I’m tired of the minefield of unexpected difficulty. There is a powerful draw to deal with the situation by beating him with words. I want to tell him how stupid he is and that he is nuts if he thinks I am going to help him. I want to tell him that in my day I never procrastinated with projects. There is a lot I want to say, and in that moment, I’d better have a hope that enables me to stand against everything I instinctively want to do!
If the war rages in our hearts in these little, mundane moments, how much more will it be present in moments of marital anguish, parental disappointment, and disillusioning failure in the body of Christ! Many of these moments cannot be avoided, but you will face them in a radically different manner if you believe that because of the work of the Word, there is hope for us. The next three words Paul uses describe that hope.
Everything We Need
The second word Paul uses in Ephesians 1:15–23 to capture the present benefits of the work of the Word is riches. Paul says that there are “glorious riches in Christ.” What is he talking about here? Peter captures it well when he says that “his divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). Not a lot, not more than most, but everything we need. Consider the words here. The verb in the passage (“has given”) is in the perfect tense, which indicates an action in the past that has continuing results into the future. It means that Christ has already placed in my storehouse everything that I need. “To do what?” you may ask. Peter says, “everything for life and godliness.” I have been given not just everything I need for eternal life, but everything I need to live a godly life from the time I am saved until the time God takes me home to be with him!
Let the power of these words sink in. The Lord will never put you in a situation without giving you everything you need to do what he has called you to do.
Let’s say that you are a wife, who is in a very difficult conversation with your husband. There are riches in your storehouse for this moment. Perhaps you are a worker struggling with a very critical boss. Everything you need to speak in a godly way has already been given. Parent, you are facing another day with a rebellious and disrespectful teenager. All the riches that you need to move beyond your own hurt and anger and to function as an instrument of the Lord have been given. The Word has come and in his hands are glorious riches. His supply is the only thing that will tame the human tongue!
The third item in Paul’s resource list is power. Paul puts it this way: “his incomparably great power for us who believe” (Eph. 1:19). Because of the work of the Word, we have power to win the war that fuels our struggles with words. We do not struggle with communication simply because we lack the skills or vocabulary. Our problem is powerlessness. Our problem is inability. That’s why James asks the rhetorical question, Who can tame the tongue? The best biblical answer to the question is, No one this side of the Word! But Christ has come, demonstrating his power in his ministry, exercising his power over evil on the cross, and blessing his people with power in the person of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Paul says that God, who can do much, much more than anything we could ever ask or imagine, is at work by his power within us (see Eph. 3:20).
Consider this for a moment. God hasn’t issued us a series of grand and lofty directives and then sat back to see if we would obey them. No, he understands that our sin has rendered us powerless, and that we will not know what we need to know and cannot do what we need to do apart from him. So he has unzipped us and gotten inside us by his Spirit. His inconceivable power is within us! And it is not only within, it is at work! Paul says that we have been given power that can be compared only to the power by which Christ was raised from the dead.
This changes everything. The Word has made us his dwelling place so that we would have the power to speak as he has designed. In him the impossible becomes possible. The war becomes winnable. The tongue becomes tameable, no longer an instrument of evil, but a producer of good.
What makes this book different from other communication books is not the author’s vast storehouse of wisdom and experience. It is one thing: the gospel. It radically changes the way we understand and wage the war of words that is so much a part of the human struggle.
The gospel prevents us from having a communication model of independent strength that assumes that our problems can be solved with the right insights and skills. The gospel forces us to face our inability. The gospel also prevents us from having a communication model of weakness and inability that would cause us to look at God’s goals and say, “If only we were able!” In Christ we embrace both inability and ability. The Word comes to fill us with his power precisely because we are so weak. But in Christ, we who could not stand now stand able!
Apply this to your world of talk. Power has been given. It resides with you by the Spirit and reaches to the point of your deepest communication weakness. Wife, it is a denial of the gospel to look at your husband and say to yourself, “Why bother? He can’t change.” Husband, it is a denial of the gospel to be self-righteous and defensive when your wife tries to talk to you about sin in your talk. Parents, you deny the gospel when you allow your communication with your child to be ruled by unrestrained emotions and desires. Because the Word has come and has given us his power, we can step forward in courage, believing that we can gain new ground in our world of talk.
Because of the indwelling presence of the Spirit of God, there is hope that the tongue can do the good God has ordained. None of us can say that we are too weak (“If only I had more faith,” or “If only I had a little more courage,” or “If I could only think of the right things to say”). None of us can blame our personalities (“I’m just an extrovert,” or “I’m just too shy,” or “I’m sorry, I’m just not a morning person”). None of us can blame our past (“I was never given a good example of communication,” or “I was always taught to fight back,” or “My parents never really spent any time teaching us”). None of us can blame people around us (“If I just had children who were more compliant,” or “If my husband were more loving and affectionate, then I would . . .” or “If my wife weren’t always criticizing me,” or “If my boss were a little more appreciative of what I do for him everyday”). None of us can blame our present situations (“If only I had more time,” or “If my job weren’t so demanding”).
Yes, we are living with sinners, our schedules are busy, many of us were raised in negative environments, and we have all been given different personalities that help and hinder us in various ways. But this is the point: God has given us his Spirit, not in spite of, but because of these realities. The Holy Spirit was given so that we can do the will of God even though we are sinners in a fallen world; so that his life and strength would overwhelm all of the effects of our own sin and the sin of others against us; so that we can actually do the will of God! His power is not distant and dormant; it is at work within us! We can speak up to God’s standard and according to his design because he lives within us with mighty, active power.
Personal Redemptive Rule
The final word that summarizes the resources we have been given in Christ is rule. Paul says that Christ is “head over everything for the church, which is his body” (Eph. 1:22–23). There is no situation we will ever encounter that is not ruled by Christ. Our lives are not out of control. Christ carefully administers them for our benefit and his glory.
This idea of Christ’s headship and rule goes right to the place in our communication where we often get into the most trouble. Often our words reveal an attempt to control things for our own good. We are moved by a personal sense of what we want or what we think would be good, and so we speak in a way that guarantees we will get it. We defend, accuse, inflict guilt, manipulate, rationalize, argue, cajole, beg, plead, or threaten, all for the purpose of controlling a person or a situation.
Sometimes we do this out of fear. It really does feel as if our lives are spinning out of control. It does seem as if the people around us are standing in the way of what is best. It seems right to take control. If we don’t, then what will happen? But fear-driven talk forgets one of the most precious promises of the gospel: that Christ right now, at this moment, is ruling all things for our particular benefit as his children. I may not always see his hand and I won’t always recognize the good he is doing, but he is active and ruling all the same. Communication that attempts to find personal security by taking control forgets one of the sweetest provisions of the Word, God’s control over all things for his children.
Another way to say this is that our words often reveal that we are not so much trusting in the Lord as we are trying to be him. We are attempting to do with our words what only he can do. When we do, we will fail, hurting ourselves and those around us.
For example, a parent must not be so afraid of what will happen to his child that he tries to do with words what only God can accomplish by his grace: “If it’s the last thing I ever do, I will get you to respect me” (threat). “Think of all of our hard work, think of all of the money we have spent, think of all the time we have invested—is this the thanks we get?” (guilt). “Remember that car you asked for on your birthday? If you do , you never know—you might find yourself holding the keys” (manipulation). In each example the speaker is trying to turn the child’s heart with some kind of verbal tool.
But verbal attempts at control don’t always flow out of fear. They often flow from pride. As sinners we tend to be selfish. We tend to struggle with contentment and enter every situation loaded with our own desires.
When I get up in the morning, very often the first person I think about is me! I am already filled with my own desires, rehearsing in my mind what I would like the day to be like. When I sit in my office and the phone rings, I often think, What now? fearful that someone is going to interfere with my plans. When I am driving home from work at night, I often find myself dreaming about what the evening will be like, wondering what disasters others will have brought into the house that will destroy my dream. Our words often reveal how utterly self-focused we are and how intent we are on getting what we want from others.
“Can’t I just have one night’s peace!” the father screams at the child who has asked for his help on an all-night project. “I don’t think you really love me!” says the wife to her husband as he is rushing out the door, already late and now angry and frustrated as well. Her words are self-focused, ill-timed, and indifferent to the needs of her husband. “If I didn’t live here, half of my problems would be gone!” moans the teenager who has been confronted with his poor attitude. Driven by what he wants, he is striking back at parents who always seem to be in the way.
The gospel speaks to this struggle as well. Christ calls us to an agenda higher than our own pleasure. Christ rules everything for us, but his rule has not been established so that we would be happy. We are called to submit ourselves to Christ so that we would be holy and so that our holiness would bring him glory.
The Word has come and brought to our world glorious, comprehensive, faithful, redemptive control. Our talk must flow out of the rest we have found in his rule.
The resources of Christ are our only hope that our words will be spoken up to his standard and according to his design. In the Word we find hope when all seems hopeless, riches when we feel poor, power when we see our weakness, and rule when everything around us seems out of control.
The Gospel and Your Talk
The wholesome talk of the body of Christ at home, church, or work is rooted is the glorious realities of the gospel. The Word has come and brought with him everything we need to live a life of godly talk. Because he has come, we can have hope that our words will follow the pattern of the Great Speaker rather than the Great Deceiver. He has come to deliver us from the horrible damage of the Fall, where the wonderful gift of communication became a terrible world of trouble. Christ has come to tame what man will never tame. He has come to use for his purpose what seems unusable. He has come to endow us with glorious riches and incomparable power so that our tongues can be used as his instruments of righteousness. Our world of talk does not have to be a world of trouble for this one reliable reason: the Word has come.
Getting Personal:
Christ and Your Talk
Examine your communication with others this week. Was it built on the solid foundation that Christ has established for us? For example:
1. Do you humbly admit your inability and seek the Lord’s help before important times of communication?
2. In your primary relationships, are you seeking to accomplish with words what only the Lord can do by his grace and power?
3. Do you fall prey to hopelessness so that you either give up speaking when your words are needed or give in to patterns of sinful talk?
4. Are you willing to admit your communication weaknesses, recognize recurring themes, confess to God and those you have offended, and commit to new patterns of talk? (All of this is based on embracing Christ’s promise that his strength is made perfect in our weakness.)
5. Are you able to humbly consider what others point out as sin in your talk? Or do you deny, rationalize, turn the tables, shift blame, or wallow in your failure?
6. Do you daily thank the Lord for his provision, and the hope it gives that you can speak in a way that blesses others and glorifies him?
Read Ephesians 1:15–23. Ask the Lord to open your eyes to the glorious benefits of Christ’s work and the hope it offers for your words. Ask him to show you where change is needed and step out there in faith. Finally, rest in the reality of what John says about the Word: “From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another” (John 1:16), and believe that his ever-flowing stream of grace can radically change your world of talk.