Getting Personal: Strategies for War
Chapter Twelve
Winning the War of Words
You must not give sin a vote
in the way you conduct your lives. . . .
Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—
remember, you’ve been raised from the dead!—into God’s way of
doing things. (Rom. 6:11–13)
WE’VE identified the battle. It’s not just a war of vocabulary or techniques. It is a war for the control of our hearts. Will we submit to the King, rest in his loving control, and seek to represent him in our relationships? For most of us this means repenting of a self-centeredness that causes our words to hinder the work of God. It means committing ourselves to a view that ministry is not one small aspect of our lives, but a lifestyle. This lifestyle reflects our calling by God to be his ambassadors in the everyday situations of life.
Our words are the principal tool God uses in the work he does through us. So we confess to our selfish, wandering hearts (“put off,” Eph. 4:23–25) and we commit to (“put on”) a new way of speaking, one that takes our calling seriously.
There is one more point to consider. How can you and I achieve a lasting victory in the war of words?
Words Matter; Words Can Destroy
I was in high school working my first job and dealing with a big problem outside the home for the first time. Co-workers were stealing and damaging property. I knew who was guilty, but the boss did not. I did not want to be part of what was going on, nor did I want to be blamed for something I did not do. I knew I needed to talk to my boss and possibly my co-workers, but I was afraid. I got up the courage to talk to my dad about what was happening. He agreed that I needed to talk to those involved, and then he said to me, “Be careful, son, to choose your words carefully.” It was a nice way to summarize all that it means to communicate with purpose and control. My father was saying, “Paul, words matter. They will either contribute to a solution or further the difficulty. Speak with caution and care.”
Winning the war of words involves choosing our words carefully. It is not just about the words we say, but also about the words we choose not to say. Winning the war is about being prepared to say the right thing at the right moment, exercising self-control. It is refusing to let our talk be driven by passion and personal desire but communicating instead with God’s purposes in view. It is exercising the faith necessary to be part of what God is doing at that moment.
What Winning Looks Like
Galatians 5 explains in detail what it means to gain a lasting victory in the war of words.
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature, with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal. 5:13–6:2)
1. Winning the war involves recognizing the destructive power of words (Gal. 5:15). Paul warns us, “Watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” In the Garden of Eden we saw the life-altering power of words as the Serpent convinced Eve to eat the fruit. All over Scripture the importance of what we say and how we say it is depicted. We will never win the war of words as long as we minimize how critical a battle it is.
God has ordained us to be people of influence. Husband influences wife and vice versa. Parents influence children. Friend influences friend. Pastor influences his flock, and so on. And the most powerful way we influence each other is through words, which encourage, rebuke, explain, teach, define, condemn, love, question, divide, unite, sell, counsel, judge, reconcile, war, worship, slander, and edify. People have influence and words have power. It is the way God meant it to be.
So we must never minimize our sins of communication. (“I didn’t really mean it.” “His bark is worse than his bite.” “I just wasn’t thinking.” “She knows what I really think about her.”) Paul reminds us that what we say has consequences. We are always representing the Lord. It is never okay to communicate in ways that contradict his message, methods, and character.
As I write this, it grieves me to think about the amount of talk in my family that does not recognize the seriousness Paul gives it here. No, we don’t have “knock-down-drag-out” battles, but there is a lot of thoughtless, unkind, irritated, and complaining talk that slips by every day. I think we are like many Christian families—we minimize these “little” sins of talk because our home is free of physical and verbal abuse and we really do love one another. But Paul’s words yank us back to reality. Words that “bite and devour” are words that destroy. They are not okay. So we must do all we can to assign words the importance Scripture gives them, remembering that God says we will give account of “every careless word” (Matt. 12:36).
2. Winning the war means affirming our freedom in Christ (Gal. 5:13). It is right to glory in the fact that God’s grace frees us from the unbearable weight of the law (vv. 1–6). We are accepted into God’s family solely on the basis of the righteous life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. His righteousness has been assigned to our account. In this way we are happily free from the law.
But we cannot stop here. Affirming our freedom in Christ not only has a from aspect, but it has a to aspect as well. Paul says it this way: “But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature.” It is never biblical to say, “Because Jesus has freed me from the law, I can live any way I want.” Any such idea completely misunderstands the purpose of grace. Paul wants us to affirm that our freedom makes it possible for us to live as we could not live before. We can actually live and speak in a way that pleases the Lord.
We have been freed not only from the requirement of the law for salvation, but from the bondage to sin in everyday living. We have been freed from the weight of the law to live a godly life. We cannot glory in what grace takes us from without also accepting what it calls us to (see Rom. 6:1–14; Titus 2:11–14).
Self-indulgent, sin-indulgent talk contradicts our identity as the children of grace. It turns us back toward the very bondage from which we have been freed. It forgets the position we have been given by Christ and the power he has given us by his Spirit. This leads to Paul’s next point.
3. Winning the war means saying no to the sinful nature (Gal. 5:13, 24). This passage is very honest about what it is like to live in a fallen world as people who still sin. This includes members of Christian families!
When I was fifteen years old, my parents were away for a weekend, and my brother and I decided that our bedroom looked boring. It needed some decoration. We checked my father’s workroom to see what kind of paint was available and found to our delight that he had many more colors than we would ever have imagined. We decided that the best way to apply the paint was to put it in small paper cups and throw it at the wall. For half an hour we “painted” the wall with mighty throws from several feet back. We thought it was a thing of beauty. We were so proud—that is, until our parents came home.
I will never forget the look on my dad’s face as he saw our “beautiful” wall! It seemed like a torrent of emotion started at his feet and exploded from his mouth. His eyes flashed and his veins bulged. He screamed that we should throw the furniture out of the window and live like “hippies!” One of us mumbled that we didn’t think the bed would fit. At that, he went ballistic! Out of his mouth came a tirade I will never forget.
What parent hasn’t had to deal with a child doing something foolish and irresponsible? What wife hasn’t been disappointed by her husband? What husband hasn’t thought his wife has failed to give him his just due? What child has not felt misunderstood and mistreated by his parent? What sibling has not been hurt by a brother or sister? What friend has not been failed by a friend?
Which of us has not been provoked? Which of us has not been tempted to selfishness, to anger, to jealousy and greed? Which of us has not forsaken love to fight for some piece of the creation that we desperately wanted to possess? Galatians 5 is a sinners-in-a-world-of-sin passage. But it is more. This passage declares that we have power in Christ in the face of provocation.
In exhorting us not to indulge the sinful nature, Paul summarizes a powerful gospel reality that we do not want to miss. He says, “Those who belong to Christ have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires” (v. 24).
A passion is a fervent or intense emotion. A desire is something the heart craves. As sinners in a sinful world, we are going to experience both, Paul says. They will seem so powerful that we cannot act against them. This experience is exactly what Paul is addressing. What has Christ given us to help us deal with such intense temptations? Must we be controlled by what we feel and crave? These questions lead Paul to the work of Christ.
When Christ went to the cross, he did not purchase for us the possibility or opportunity to be saved. No, his work was personal, effective, and complete. It accomplished its purpose; it did not simply make salvation available as an option. Jesus went to the cross carrying the names of his children with him. When Christ died, we died. When he was buried, we were buried with him. When he arose to newness of life, we rose with him. This is the truth we must grasp if we are ever to gain a lasting victory in the war of words. When Christ was crucified, my sinful nature (with its passions and desires) was crucified with him! I no longer live enslaved to sin. I no longer must submit to the intense emotions and the powerful cravings of my sinful nature.
The mastery of my sinful nature over me has been forever broken in Christ. For the first time, I can offer the parts of my body as instruments of righteousness—including my mouth (see Rom. 6:1–14). So Paul says, in effect (Gal. 5:13), “Don’t indulge the sinful nature. Don’t feed its passions and desires. Don’t allow your words to be dictated by powerful feelings and cravings. Remember, because of what Christ has done, you have the power to say no.”
Few truths are more important in winning the war for the heart. As sinners in a sinful world, we will be tempted and provoked, and in those moments powerful emotions and desires will grip us. But because of our identification with Christ, we have the power to say no. We can speak as his ambassadors even in the middle of real temptation and provocation! If we are living under the rule of emotion or the rule of desire, we are denying the gracious, rescuing work of our Savior.
There will be the little situations. Luella and I are in bed with sleep fast approaching and the phone rings. It is our son Justin at the train station. He needs a ride home. Luella says to me, “Won’t you please go?” I am immediately hit with powerful emotions and powerful desires. I am frustrated that the call has come so late. I am irritated that it just happens to be the coldest night of the year. I feel as if it’s always me who has to go. I want to stay in bed! I want someone else to be the chauffeur for a change.
If I allow my heart to be ruled by these emotions and desires, there is no way I will communicate as I should. My words will be selfish, angry, accusatory, and full of self-pity. But for this moment I have been given Christ. Sure, this is a little situation, but we all live in little moments like this. They really do determine the character of our talk.
Then there are the big situations. John was shocked when he came home one day to find his house emptied of everything but a bed, a lamp, and a kitchen table and chairs. His wife had been plotting to leave him for months. The moving van came while he was at work. On the table was a note with the number of her lawyer. In a few weeks she had secured permanent custody of the children.
It would be hard to describe the fear, rage, hurt, and sadness that gripped John as he stood in that empty house. In one moment his world had changed. He so much wanted to turn back the clock and give his wife what she really deserved. As he stood there, his emotions raged and his mind raced from thought to thought and desire to desire. In this moment, John’s only hope was found in Christ. He could rise above his passions. He could say no to his desires. Even in this situation, he could speak as an ambassador of Christ. That hurt man went on to become a peacemaker. He spoke the truth in love. He overcame evil with good.
Many of us are quite skilled at living under the rule of sin’s passions and desires. When we indulge them, our words add layers of interpersonal difficulty to the original problem. As we indulge the sinful nature we will tend to personalize what is not personal and turn moments of ministry into moments of irritation and anger. We will strike back at those we are meant to serve in order to satisfy ourselves. Self-indulgent talk never accomplishes God’s purposes. It forgets the truths of the gospel and our identity as Christ’s representatives. Paul reminds us that because of the work of Christ, we can do better.
Winning the war of words also means saying no to any rationalization, blame-shifting, or self-serving arguments that would excuse talk that flows out of the passions and desires of the sinful nature.
I remember the days when I was a young pastor of a struggling little congregation with huge counseling needs. It seemed I never had a quiet moment at home without someone calling me with the latest, greatest crisis. I dreaded hearing the phone ring at night and dreaded even more the words, “Paul, it’s for you.” Although I did not realize it, increasingly I saw certain people in the congregation as obstacles to what I wanted, rather than objects of the ministry I had gladly accepted from the Lord. I can remember getting calls, saying angrily to Luella, “Who is it now?” but then answering with a friendly, pastoral “Hello.”
One Saturday afternoon I was relaxing at home with my wife and two young boys when I got a call from a desperate young man. He had been desperate for a long time and seemed to have the gift for calling me at all the wrong moments. He was always discouraged, always asking for help, yet always resistant to the help that was offered. Nothing seemed to work for him. He professed to have tried everything without benefit. He was at one of the seedy local motels, saying that he was going to end his life once and for all. He said that unless he had a reason to live, he would kill himself before the day was over. I found out where he was, asked my wife to pray, and got in my car to meet him.
I prayed on the way and I know that my wife was praying, but there was a war going on within. I was that catalog of conflicting desires! I really disliked this man. I disliked his humped-shouldered posture. I disliked his whiny voice. I disliked his need to always be the center of someone’s attention. I hated the way he spit back at me every insight I had ever offered. I resented the time he had taken away from my family and other aspects of my ministry. And I was angry that I had to go once more and put him back together. As I drove, my thoughts were pulled back and forth in the war between pastoral concern and personal resentment.
I arrived at the motel and we sat in a dingy room that smelled of smoke and sweat. He gave me his normal litany of complaints. I began to respond with truths from the gospel when he interrupted me and said, “You’re not going to trot out that stuff again, are you? Don’t you have anything new to say?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Here I had left my family out of concern for him, and he mocked my efforts to help without any evidence of appreciation! I lost it, giving in to the rage that had been building for weeks. I verbally tore him limb from limb. I told him exactly what the congregation and I thought of him. I laid as much guilt on him as I could, told him to get off his duff and do something right for a change, prayed for him (!), and left! I was seething as I drove away.
It didn’t take long for conviction to set in. It also didn’t take long for rationalization and self-excusing arguments to set in right behind. By the time I arrived home, I was convinced that I had spoken like one of the prophets of old, proclaiming a “thus says the Lord” in a sinful and rebellious place. I had convinced myself that God would use this dramatic moment of truth-speaking to create lasting change in this man’s life.
I arrived home and Luella (who had been praying) asked me how the time had gone. I told her that I had spoken to him more strongly than I had ever spoken to anyone in my ministry, being careful to use the prophet analogy with her. She immediately said, “It sounds to me like you got angry and blew it.” The moment she said these words, I saw my self-serving rationalizations for what they were. I was filled with remorse. As it turned out, my subsequent confession to this man of my own sin and struggle was what God used to begin to turn him around.
4. Winning the war means speaking to serve others in love (Gal. 5:13–14). We say no to the rule of passions and desires not only because Christ gives us the power to do so, but also because we have been called to serve. The opposite of indulging the sinful nature is not saying, “I must not, I must not, I must not.” We are called to put off self-indulgent talk to put on talk that flows out of a love for others.
Paul could not make the call here any stronger. He tells us that the “entire law” is summarized by this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself. Speaking in a way that serves the needs of others is at the heart of God’s will for us, and his enabling grace makes it possible.
The picture in this passage is of a God who is relentlessly at work by his Spirit, conforming his people to the image of his Son. He wants to use us to accomplish that purpose. This is part of my calling each time I speak.
Serving in love does not mean that I become a slave to the agenda of everyone around me. It does not mean being a doormat. Rather, it means living with redemptive purpose. Love desires another’s highest good. The highest good I could desire for anyone is that he or she would become like Christ, that is, take on the fruit of the Spirit. God does this work in the normal events and relationships of daily life. He works for this good in every situation (see Rom. 8:28–30).
Ephesians 4:29 describes what it means to speak out of love: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Unwholesome talk forgets the other person and concentrates on what I feel and what I want. But Paul calls us to talk that is other-oriented.
If I am going to serve another with my words, Paul says there are three things to consider: (1) I must consider the person (“only what is helpful for building others up”). What do I know about this individual that would shape what I say? (2) I must consider the problem (“according to their needs”). What is this person’s real need in this situation, and how should it guide what I say? (3) I must consider the process (“that it may benefit those who listen”). I am not just spouting off. My communication should have a redemptive purpose; it should benefit the listener.
Frankly, in our own strength, none of us are this nice! Sin makes us intensely selfish people. We instinctively think about our own needs and wants. We are primarily committed to our own welfare. But as we humbly admit our selfishness, we can begin to appreciate and rely upon the enabling grace of Christ. He has broken the mastery of our sinful passions and desires. He does equip us by his Spirit to speak as his ambassadors. We can speak out of a commitment to serve others in love.
Winning the war of words comes from serving. Winning comes from loving, from talk that is free from bondage to me (my passions and desires) and is therefore free to minister to you.
5. Winning the war means speaking “in step with the Spirit” (Gal. 5:25). Keeping in step with the Spirit means speaking in a way that reflects his work in me and encourages his work in you. In this passage the Spirit’s work is made quite clear. He is working to produce in us a harvest consistent with the character of Christ: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. As an act of faith and submission, I hold my speaking up to the standard of this fruit. I look at difficult situations as God-given opportunities to see this fruit mature in me. Problems are not obstacles to the development of this fruit, but opportunities to see it grow.
Years ago, there was a man in our congregation who was particularly critical of my ministry (not that it was without need of criticism!). I struggled inside whenever I saw this man or even thought of him. I remember being relieved when I would arrive at a church event to find that he was not there. I was also aware that he was not keeping his opinion of me to himself, but had begun to gather together a group of malcontents who shared his views. Our congregation was not large and the discontent was becoming more and more obvious.
I decided that it was time to ask this man if we could talk. I told my wife about my plan, and she immediately asked me what I intended to say. As I shared my thoughts with her, I could sense that she was responding negatively, and so I asked her what was wrong. She said, “Before you can deal with him, Paul, you have to deal with yourself. It sounds like you hate this man. I don’t think any good can come out of confronting him with his wrong until you deal with your own attitudes.”
I wanted to think that Luella was just another person who was misunderstanding and misjudging me, but she wasn’t. I did hate this man. I hated the controlling effect he had on me. I hated the fact that he had turned others against me. I hated the way his criticism caused me to second-guess everything I did as a pastor! I hated how he had destroyed my dream for my ministry and our congregation. I hated the arrogant smirk on his face. I didn’t really want to deal with him—I just wanted him out of my life!
Luella was right. I was in no condition to be an instrument of the Spirit in his life. I was in no position to win the war of words. I was totally out of step with the Spirit in regards to this relationship. I did need to deal with me first. I did need to examine my heart, confess the sin that was there, and determine to speak in a way that reflected the fruit the Spirit was working in me.
As I examined my heart, I saw that there was more that needed to change than I had ever thought. My problem was not just hatred and anger, but heart sins at an even deeper level. What had been motivating me in ministry was not the work of the Lord, but my personal dream. I had dreamed of going into a tough area to minister and being successful in a way no one else had been. I had dreamed of being highly respected by a growing congregation and, before long, the entire Christian community. I had dreamed of great numerical growth, of building a large, modern facility, and of leading the “mover-and-shaker” church in the region. Most of all, I had dreamed of being known as the one at the center of it all.
I hated this man because he was right! He was not right in the way he had dealt with his concerns about my ministry, but he was right in his insight into my pride. I did enjoy being at the center of every gathering. I did have the final opinion on every topic. I was frustrated when people would get in the way of my novel programs. I hated how slowly things moved and how negative people were. And I struggled with God for putting me in this hard place.
The very man I hated I now began to see as an instrument of rescue in God’s hands. It was through “Pete” (not his real name) that my selfish, arrogant dream was exposed and began to die. Under the heat of this trial God showed me the sin in my heart in a new way. As I took several days to examine this situation and my own heart, I began to be thankful for the very man I had hated. I wasn’t thankful for his sin, but thankful for how God had used him in my life. As I became thankful, I began to listen to what Pete had said about me and how he had said it. As I considered the content of his words, I realized that there were things that God wanted me to learn—yes, even from this harsh messenger. And as I listened to the way he communicated his thoughts, I discovered that he and I were a lot alike. Pete was proud, opinionated, vocal, and impatient. I had hated all of those things, but they were present in me as well.
During those days God gave me a genuine, pastoral love for Pete. When we finally talked, I was able to communicate to him in a way that was patient, kind, gentle, peaceful, and self-controlled. I was even able to go into this difficult talk with joy as I thought about the good that the Spirit had done in me through him.
Speaking in step with the Spirit not only means speaking in a way that reflects what the Spirit is doing in me, but it also means encouraging the Spirit’s fruit in you. Frankly, I didn’t care at first if God used me in Pete’s life or not. There were only two things I cared about: I wanted to prove Pete wrong, and I wanted him to leave our church and me alone! I had fallen into thinking that my struggle was with “flesh and blood” (see Eph. 6:10–12). I saw Pete as the enemy and lost sight of the spiritual warfare going on beneath the difficulties of this relationship. I did not want to serve Pete; I wanted him to be a supporter of my dream. Even as his pastor, the last thing I had in mind was being a tool of redemption in his life. In fact, I never even considered how I could be the Spirit’s instrument in his life until my talk with Luella.
When I finally met with Pete, I had a radically different agenda from the one I had first discussed with my wife. I no longer wanted to “win.” I no longer wanted him to shut up and get on board with my dream. I really did want to be used of God to encourage the fruit of the Spirit in his life.
Pete came to our talk ready for battle. It was clear that he had prepared his weapons and rehearsed his defenses. But there was no battle. I told him that I was thankful for his insights; that through him the Spirit had really exposed my heart, and I asked for his forgiveness. Before I ever had a chance to talk about him, he said, “Paul, I’ve been wrong too. I guess if I were honest I would have to say that I have hated you, and I have looked for every opportunity to criticize you to others. I have been angry with you and angry with God for putting us in this congregation. I need your forgiveness.”
That night, for the first time in a long while, Pete and I spoke in step with the Spirit, and the Spirit produced new growth in each of us. But don’t miss the point: it started with someone confronting me and encouraging me to examine my own heart before I confronted someone else. Speaking in step with the Spirit means taking time to listen, examine, reflect, and prepare. It means communicating in a way that promotes the Spirit’s work of grace in our lives and others.
6. Winning the war means speaking with a goal to restore (Gal. 6:1–2). Paul says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. . . .” Let’s be sure we understand these words. Notice first that Paul does not say, “If you catch someone in a sin. . . .” He is not talking about sneaking up on someone to catch him in the act! Rather, he is talking about how we as sinners get “caught”—that is, entrapped and ensnared in sin.
Sin is deceitful. The Devil is a schemer who will whisper “fine-sounding arguments” in our ears (Col. 2:4) to convince us that what we are doing is okay. Sin is a snare that tightens its hold on us as we believe those “fine-sounding arguments” and use them to rationalize and justify what we’ve done. Before we know it, we are in deeper bondage to the sin than we ever dreamed possible. And we don’t even know how we got there!
All of us are prone to sin this side of glory. We get “caught” in anger, pride, self-pity, envy, vengeance, self-righteousness, bitterness, lust, selfishness, fear, disbelief, etc. And we either don’t even know that we are caught or we don’t know how to extricate ourselves. In one way or another we all live “caught” in some aspect of our lives all the time. There are areas of sin we are blind to, sins that are our particular theme of struggle. There will be a day when the final snare falls off and we will be with Christ and like him forever! But until that time we need to recognize that as sinners we are “catchable,” and for that reason, we need one another.
Paul then says, “You who are spiritual should restore him gently.” Is he talking about some super-spiritual elite corps of restorers? No, not at all! This word “spiritual” is not being used to refer only to a biblically mature person. It really embraces every believer. It is referring back to Galatians 5:25, where Paul said that we are to “keep in step with the Spirit,” that is, to be sensitive to what the Spirit is doing in us and others. When we are “keeping in step with the Spirit” we position ourselves to serve as his restorers. All of us, if we are living lives worthy of our calling, are positioning ourselves to be God’s agents of rescue and restoration.
Winning the war of words means letting this restoration agenda shape and direct our relationships. The temptation for all of us is to mistakenly believe that our relationships belong to us. We tend to view other people as our possessions. Parents fall into this with their children. Then, in the teenage years, when the child fails, the parents can’t see beyond their own anger and hurt to be agents of restoration for their own offspring!
We tend to see others as existing for our own happiness. Husbands and wives come to believe that it is their mate’s responsibility to make them happy. They watch their spouse with vigilant, expectant eyes. Life becomes a series of final exams, and yet the happiness they seek never comes. We all tend to look at the people around us with an eye to how they are responding to us, how they are affecting us. We look for proper respect, love, appreciation, acceptance, and honor, and we find it very hard to continue in relationships where it does not exist.
Paul is calling us to something radically different here. He is calling us to the new and higher agenda for our relationships that this book describes. This new agenda is rooted in the fundamental recognition that our relationships (and the people in them) do not belong to us but to God. He owns us as Creator and has reclaimed us as Savior. Christ has purchased the condemned house (us!). He has moved in and is now at work doing a complete restoration. This is the gospel foundation for relationships in the body of Christ. It is vital that we understand our position. We do not, nor will we ever, own these relationships for ourselves. We are tools in the hands of the true Owner, who is busy in the work of restoration.
Once we learn to see our relationships this way, we will begin to see the need for restoration all around us. When you’re taking a vacation and the children are quarreling in the back seat, there is more going on than your expensive vacation being ruined! The need for restoration is revealing itself. You can respond to this situation as an irritated parent or as a restorer who wants to be used by the great Restorer. When you are having coffee with a friend and he is complaining once again about his boss, wondering why God hasn’t done something, there is more going on than a nice evening being ruined. Here again, God is calling you to more than self-pity. He has positioned you to be a restorer.
When husbands and wives disagree over the same old stuff once again, they need to do more than curse the fact that their marriage just doesn’t work or that the other person never seems to have a clue. The need for restoration is made clear by these themes of struggle. They need to see where they are “caught,” and they need to respond to one another, not with a demand agenda, but with a restoration agenda.
When your relationship with your teenager has gotten cold, distant, and hostile, it is not time to wallow in self-pity, rehearsing all the things that you have done for him over the years with little respect and thanks. It is not time to give in to verbal wars or to build the icy walls of bitterness. It is time to see the need for restoration. Your teenager is “caught” (maybe you are too!), and he is in desperate need of restoration. But you will not be a tool of restoration as long as you demand that he meet your expectations of relational happiness.
When your supper table disintegrates into a war zone of competition and petty conflicts, it is not time to lash out in anger or pick up your plate to eat in another room. Your children are demonstrating that they are “caught,” and God has positioned you to be used in restoration work that evening.
Winning the war of words means speaking redemptively, and speaking redemptively is rooted in a restoration perspective on relationships. The purpose of human relationships is not human happiness. It is the work of reconciling people to God and restoring them to the image of his Son.
Winning the war of words means never forgetting who we are. When we remember that we are what we are because of God’s mercy alone, we speak with gentleness and humility as God’s restorers. How often our talk to one another lacks this gentleness and humility! We fail to speak redemptively because we have forgotten who he is and what he is doing in our relationships. We fail to speak with gentleness and humility because we have forgotten who we are and our own depend-ency on his grace.
Winning Is a Journey
Galatians 5 pictures people on a journey who are focused not just on what they have to carry, but on who else needs assistance. This is how the passage ends (6:2). With the words, “Carry each other’s burdens,” Paul broadens his call to us. Winning the war of words is not only about rescuing the one who is ensnared in sin, but about being attentive to all the places where you may struggle. In the journey of life, I am not just focused on balancing my own load properly, but my eyes are on you, too. When I see a person struggling to carry his load, I am called to share the weight. This is the love Christ talked about in John 13:34, the “royal law” of James 2:8. The way of Christ is never selfish, never self-absorbed. Christ’s love is other-directed, other-focused, and self-sacrificing.
So we are called to support one another as we journey through this fallen world. We are called to speak to one another out of this “burden-bearing” mentality. When we see people struggling with weakness, we point them to the strength available in Christ. When someone is ignorant, we speak with wisdom-giving words of truth. When someone is fearful, we talk of God, who is an ever-present help in trouble. When people grieve, we seek to comfort. When they are discouraged, we seek to bring words of hope. When they feel alone, we remind them of our love and Christ’s presence. When they are angry, we point them to a God of righteousness, vengeance, and justice. In the midst of conflict, we seek to speak as peacemakers and reconcilers. When people are anxious, we point them to the Sabbath rest Christ has given his children.
Winning the war of words means living with eyes open, aware not only of our own struggle, but of other pilgrims struggling on the journey with us. In so doing, we all come to realize that we are not alone. Christ has planned for the many hands of his people to join together to make an otherwise impossible load bearable. We need not despair, quit, or run in the other direction. Rather, strengthened and encouraged, we continue the journey.
Winning the war means choosing our words carefully. We do not want to give any room in our talk to the passions and desires of the sinful nature. In our own conceit and envy, we do not want to provoke one another to sin. We do not want to bite and devour one another with words. Rather, we are committed to serve one another in love with all of our talk. We want to speak in step with what the Spirit is producing in us and in others. We want to speak in a way that encourages the growth of that fruit. Finally, we want to speak as gentle, humble agents of restoration, as burden-bearers committed to live by Christ’s rule of love.
What radical revival, reconciliation, and restoration would result if we carried this call into every relationship in our lives! How different things would be if we were consistently committed to this kind of communication! How transformed our relationships would be if we spoke to one another with words of redemption! A commitment to winning the war of words calls us to choose our words well.
Getting Personal:
Strategies for War
1. Where in your communication do you tend to forget your freedom in Christ and wind up indulging the sinful nature? (With your spouse, boss, parents, siblings, neighbor, extended family, body of Christ?) Take time to identify your personal battlefields.
2. List the powerful emotions and desires to which you need to say no. (Examples of emotions: anger, discouragement, fear. Examples of desires: vengeance, respect, appreciation, control, success, love.)
3. In what specific areas is God calling you to speak out of a commitment to serve others in love?
4. Which fruit of the Spirit needs to grow in you and more consistently influence the way you talk to others? (patience, self-control, kindness, joy)
5. Where do you see restorative work that needs to be done around you? How can your words help? What daily opportunities do you have to be part of what God is doing in others?
Remember, because of what Christ has done, we can say no to the passions and desires of the sinful nature. We can serve each other in love even in the face of provocation.