Getting Personal: Rebuilding the Causeway
Chapter Eight
Getting to the Destination
My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
(2 Cor. 12:9)
WHEN I wrote this book, I was on sabbatical in Clearwater, Florida. A beautiful causeway with water on both sides connects Clearwater and the city of Tampa. I once commented to someone that Clearwater looked so beautiful from the Tampa side of the bay and that the causeway made getting there so easy. My companion then told me about a hurricane that once hit western Florida and left the Clearwater causeway completely under water. He said, “You could see Clearwater, you could describe it to someone, but you couldn’t get there because the causeway was flooded.”
Perhaps this is how you have felt about this book so far. I have described a destination to you, the world of talk as God has planned it, but you feel as if your causeway is flooded and there is no way to get there. Maybe you have seen more clearly than ever before how far your communication is from where God wants it to be. Unfortunately, this only leaves you feeling more hopeless than ever!
The purpose of this chapter is to calm the storm and give you a passable causeway. I want to give you hope and help. I want to help you begin to rebuild your world of talk.
Practical Steps to the Destination
1. Don’t give in to regret. It is so easy to get swallowed up by remorse. It is easy to become paralyzed by “if onlys,” and sidetracked by questioning God’s timing. Here are some things we need to consider.
God is the Wonderful Counselor. He is the universe’s best teacher. He knows exactly how much truth we are able to understand and to bear. One of the last things Christ said to his disciples was that there was much more that he had to say to them, but they were not able to bear it. He promised to send another teacher who would continue to instruct them. God always reveals truth to us at the right moment. There is never a mistake in his timing. Instead of regret, we need to rest in his sovereign wisdom.
Second, Scripture promises that God “will restore what the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25). It is important for us to remember that the God who forgives also restores, rebuilds, and reconciles. As we live in light of the new things he has taught us, we will experience restoration in places where we had long since given up. Through our present obedience to the new insights, God works to restore the damage done in the past. I have seen this take place again and again with parents, friends, and married couples who were tempted to believe that the damage of the past could never be undone.
2. Embrace gospel hope. We must not allow ourselves to look at our communication struggles as giants that cannot be defeated. Paul said to Timothy, “God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Tim. 1:7). We get overwhelmed, fearful, and timid when we forget who we are in Christ.
We must first of all remember that we are the recipients of grace that abounds wherever our sin does. Yes, our sin will confound us, but it will not confound the Savior. His life, death, and resurrection guarantee victory. Romans 6:14 says, “For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.” This grace is available to us in every situation and relationship of our lives, and it is made perfect in our weakness!
Second, we must remember that trouble does not mean that God has forsaken us. The psalmist reminds us in Psalm 46 that God is “an ever-present help in trouble.” It is not enough to say that he cares for us in trouble or that he is available to help us in trouble. No, he is more. He is there in the trouble as a refuge and strength. We are never without a place of protection and never without a source of strength because God is always near!
Third, God knew that our condition as sinners was so desperate and his calling so high that forgiveness would not be enough. He follows his forgiveness by literally getting inside us in the person of his Spirit. Paul captures this amazing reality with these words, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” (Eph. 3:20). His power is not only in us, it is at work! Yes, he forgives, but he also empowers. He will not call us to do anything without giving us what we need to do it. If the Lord calls you to cross the Red Sea, he will send a boat, build a bridge, part the waters, or help you swim!
3. Examine your fruit. What is the fruit produced by your communication? Do you leave others encouraged, hopeful, and loved? Do your words lead to forgiveness, reconciliation, and peace? Does your communication impart wisdom and encourage faith? Or do your words lead to discouragement, division, condemnation, bitterness, and foolishness?
Change begins with a humble willingness to examine your harvest. Galatians 6:7 says, “Do not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” One of the cruel tricks of the enemy is to convince us that our harvest really belongs to someone else. (“He makes me so angry!” “I never had a problem with my words until I had children.” “If you had my husband, you’d yell too!” “My boss always brings out the worst in me.”)
Take courage in the Lord’s promise of forgiveness and his powerful presence; then examine the fruit of your words. Own your harvest before the Lord. It is here that lasting change will begin.
4. Uncover your roots. Luke 6:45 records one of the most important things that Christ said about our communication, “For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” Word problems always point to heart problems. Examining where we have trouble with our talk will reveal what is ruling our hearts.
When I was growing up, my parents would take us to family reunions on my mom’s side of the family. My mother’s brothers and sisters were all unbelievers. Whenever we went to one of these reunions, my parents would stay for the meal and then whisk us away before the drinking began.
At one reunion my mom was engaged in conversation and did not realize that my uncle had gotten drunk in another room, where he was saying sexually provocative things about the women present in front of me and my brother Mark. When Mom realized what was happening, she ran in, grabbed our hands, and stuffed us in the car. On the way home she said, “There is nothing that comes out of a drunk that wasn’t there in the first place.” I will never forget those words.
We must begin by admitting that people and situations do not cause us to speak as we do. Our hearts control our words. People and situations simply provide the occasion for the heart to express itself. Humbly confessing this opens to you the floodgates of God’s forgiveness and power. “He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
5. Seek forgiveness. The old proverb says that confession is good for the soul. How true! You see, if your heart has been exposed to truth and you have thought, done, or said what is wrong, you only have two options. You can confess your sin and place yourself once again under the forgiving grace of Christ, or you can erect some system of self-justification that makes what God calls sin acceptable to your conscience. How good we are at doing this! We recast events. (“I wasn’t really angry, I was trying to emphasize my point.”) We blame others. (“She has a unique ability to drive me crazy!”) We claim physical weakness. (“I wasn’t feeling well, so I just wasn’t myself.”) We appeal to the situation. (“It was just one of those days!”) All this is done in an attempt to excuse what God says is inexcusable.
What is the fruit of this? Proverbs says it well: “He who conceals his sins does not prosper” (Prov. 28:13). Seeking forgiveness is like weeding a garden. It leaves the soil of the soul free to grow the new life of obedience. The weeds of unconfessed sin choke out the life of the soul.
A major part of rebuilding your world of talk is to ask yourself the question, What specific sins of communication (both heart and mouth—see Luke 6:46) is the Lord calling me to confess to him or to others? In asking this question you are keeping in step with the Spirit, who is working to conform you to the image of the Son (Gal. 5:16–26). And in so doing, you are clearing the soil of the soul so that the Spirit may plant the seeds of the character of Christ.
Seeking forgiveness is a significant turning point. Here we quit fighting against what the Lord is seeking to do in our lives and become cooperative, submissive participants. The result always is a harvest of good fruit. Our souls become a garden for his glory and our mouths become an orchard filled with the sweet fruit of the Spirit (words of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control).
6. Freely grant forgiveness. There are two aspects to this step of the rebuilding process. First, there must be judicial forgiveness. This is our willingness to let go of another’s offense before God. It is, in actuality, surrendering to God any right or desire for vengeance. Paul says, “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written, ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Rom. 12:19).
When God says, “Leave room for my wrath,” he is essentially saying, “Stay out of my way and let me do my job.” Forgiveness starts vertically. It is handing the offense over to the Lord and resting in his justice.
The second aspect of forgiveness is relational forgiveness. This is the willingness to forgive anyone who comes seeking it. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).
In my counseling experience I have seen that there is no greater impediment to change than the unwillingness to seek and grant forgiveness. The lack of forgiveness causes us to fight God rather than submit to him and causes us to stand against rather than with one another.
7. Change the rules. A commitment to a new way of speaking needs to follow the sweet obedience of forgiveness. This new commitment needs to be as specific as the sin that was confessed. What is God calling you to change in your communication? What new ways of speaking must replace the old patterns?
When couples have confessed their sins in this way, I encourage them to set new goals for their communication. I ask them to agree to cry “Foul!” when one of them gives in to the old way for a moment. I suggest that they agree to raise their hand in the middle of a conversation and say, “We agreed not to speak to each other this way. Let’s stop and pray and then try to have this conversation in a way that pleases the Lord.” I have seen this strategy alone radically renew the communication of a husband and wife.
The “put off” of confession and repentance must be followed by the “put on” of a specific, practical commitment to a new way of talking. This commitment to change the rules is rooted in a living faith in Scripture (What it calls me to is right and best) and a living faith in the presence of the Lord (He is with me wherever I go, supplying everything I need to do what he has called me to do; see 2 Peter 1:3–9).
8. Look for opportunities. This is not so much a change of direction as it is a change of perspective. Those situations that were the source of difficulty, those moments where unkind, selfish, and ungodly words were spoken, those situations you once dreaded, now become opportunities to experience the enabling grace of the Lord and exercise newfound character and obedience.
As you forsake regret, bathe yourself in the gospel, face your sin, and seek and grant forgiveness, you will get a vision for a whole new life of communication. You will not look at life as a dangerous jungle filled with ravenous animals, poisonous snakes, and hidden pools of quicksand. No, you will look at life as a garden of opportunity in which you can actually experience the wonderful things God has planned for his children.
Proverbs 28:1 says, “The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.” Go out with the boldness of a lion. Refuse to give in any longer to cynicism and fear. Refuse to give in to dread, doubt, and avoidance. Live boldly. Capture redemptive opportunities. Seize the promised provisions of the Lord. He will give you many opportunities to speak in a new way!
9. Choose your words. Proverbs says, “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers” (Prov. 15:28). We are told in Proverbs that it is folly to speak in haste. As we begin to look for God-given opportunities to speak in a new way, we must learn to think before we speak. We must learn to choose our words wisely. The final section of this book will discuss in detail what this means. I have heard so many people say in regret, “I wish I hadn’t spoken so soon,” or “I just got carried away,” or “I wish I could take those words back.”
God has chosen our words to run on two tracks. The first is the track of his glory. The words of our mouths must first be acceptable to him. The second is the track of our neighbor’s good. God’s call is that we would choose words that travel well on these tracks.
10. Confess your weakness. One of the sure signs that we have not really understood the gospel is when we continue to be afraid of, discouraged by, and unwilling to accept our weakness. Christ came precisely because we are weak! There is no indication in Scripture that we will ever outgrow our need of his moment-by-moment supply of grace. If we obey him for a thousand years, we will need him just as much then as we did the first day we believed!
The awareness of weakness, rather than being a sure sign of immaturity, is actually the sign of the opposite. The closer we get to the Lord, the longer we walk with him, and the more fully we understand his Word, the more we are gripped with our weakness, inability, and sin. Paul said that he “would boast all the more gladly” about his weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). It was not because he loved being weak, but because it was in weakness that the power of Christ rested on him. Our weakness will not get in the way of what the Lord wants to do in us. Our delusions of strength will! The power of God is for the weak! The grace of God is for the unable! The promises of God are for the faint! The wisdom of God is for the foolish!
Because of his grace, in our weakness, inability, faintheartedness, and foolishness, we are free to run to him rather than run from him. We really can come to him just as we are. No place better demonstrates our need of him than our moment-by-moment struggles with words. Embrace your weakness and run with joy to the only Source of strength.
11. Don’t give the Devil an opportunity. As Paul talks about our communication in Ephesians 4, he says, “Do not give the devil an opportunity.” Satan is a liar and a trickster. He seeks to divide and destroy. He is the enemy of all that is good and right. He seeks to sow the weeds of doubt, despair, and rebellion. He hates living faith. He fights new life. He seeks to turn us from God and against one another. We must be wise to his tricks and do anything we can to keep him from having his way with us. We must forbid him any room to work.
In our life of talk there are two things we can do that will shut the door to Satan and his cruel work. First, we can commit ourselves to the courage of honesty. A commitment to loving truthfulness is a wonderful safeguard from the destructive work of the enemy. He lives in the darkness. He works in our silence. When we bring issues into the light, when we put them on the table, we give him little room to work.
Second, we need to commit ourselves to the humility of approachability. A commitment to speak truthfully when coupled with a humble willingness to listen will close the door on Satan’s foot. Much of our communication trouble results when we unwittingly give the Devil an opportunity.
The Blessing of God’s Way
Early in our relationship Luella and I realized that communication would be one of our areas of difficulty. Luella was from a very well-mannered, soft-spoken family. The rule in her home was to never say anything that could be remotely considered controversial. If a disagreement would erupt, someone would quickly change the subject.
I grew up in a family where everyone spoke at once. Conversations regularly escalated to higher volumes. The rule in our family was to speak quickly without thinking or you might lose your opportunity to speak at all!
As you can imagine, this communication mix was poison-ous to us as a young couple. Both of us struggled with anger—Luella clamming up while I was blowing up. It wasn’t long before we were both very discouraged. One simple principle brought change and new life to our communication. We were reading Ephesians and came across this verse, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (4:26). We both had one of those “well duh!” moments! Of course! It is a very simple yet elegant direction.
We determined that we would not go to sleep at night without dealing with the things that had happened that day. The first few nights we stubbornly lay in bed, propping our eyes open as we waited for the other to make the first move! What we hadn’t realized is that to obey the principle you not only have to deal with your words, but you have to deal with your heart as well. This is where the war is really taking place. But we began to see the wonderful benefit of doing it God’s way. It wasn’t long before we weren’t waiting until evening. We began seeking one another out shortly after we had spoken unkindly, asking for forgiveness. We are now at the place where we can’t wait to seek forgiveness and restore our relationship.
Speaking Out of Hope
But you may be thinking, Paul, you don’t know how bad it is for us. It seems hopeless! I urge you not to look at the giant of your communication problems as the army of Israel did Goliath, comparing their size to his. Look at your communication problems with the eyes of David, comparing puny Goliath to the awesome grandeur and glory of God. He is able! He is the great Author of change! He is the Restorer! There is life in his Words! He will not call you to anything that he does not enable you to do!
Remember the core perspectives of this book:
■ God has a wonderful plan for our words that is far better than anything we could come up with on our own.
■ Sin has radically altered our agenda for our words, resulting in much hurt, confusion, and chaos.
■ In Christ Jesus we find the grace that provides all that we need to speak as God has planned.
■ The Bible plainly and simply teaches us how to get from where we are to where God wants us to be.
We can reach Clearwater! We don’t have to gaze at its beauty discouraged because the causeway is flooded! God has given us everything we need to dry out and rebuild the road to God-honoring, people-benefiting communication. We need to step forward in the courage of faith, confessing our sin and weakness and embracing the hope found only in his forgiving and enabling grace.
Leave regret behind. Grab hold of the hope found in the presence and work of Jesus. Examine the fruit of your communication and trace that fruit back to root issues in the heart. Seek and grant forgiveness, not just once but as a moment-by-moment pattern. Agree with those around you to change the rules. Put down the old human way; it really does lead to death. Take up with joy the wonderful commands and principles of the Word. Look for opportunities to apply the new things God is teaching you about his way of communication. With joy speak words that have been chosen because they are acceptable to the Lord and beneficial to others. Be ready and willing every day to confess your weakness. This is the secret to experiencing his strength. Finally, refuse to give the Devil an opportunity. Be courageously honest. Be humbly approachable. Don’t give the Devil any dark hallways or silent rooms in which to work.
Remember that God knows what you need. If the enemy is too strong, God will defeat him. If you are facing the Red Sea, he will part the waters. If you are thirsty and without water, he will bring it out of a rock. If you are hungry, he will provide manna. If you have sinned, he will forgive. If you are weak, he will empower. The Redeemer has come! There is hope for our talk!
Getting Personal:
Rebuilding the Causeway
1. Where have you been tempted to believe Satan’s discouraging lies? (“He/she/they’ll never change! It is impossible to forgive him/her/them after the horrible things they’ve said. God doesn’t really care about your communication; he has better, more important things to do. Your anger really isn’t your fault. If others lived where you do, they would be angry too! Being humble just gives people an opportunity to take advantage of you,” etc.)
2. What communication regrets do you need to leave behind? What “if onlys” have gotten in the way of the change to which God has called you?
3. What specific verbal sins do you need to confess? To whom?
4. Which of God’s promises do you need to remember daily so that you will have hope in the midst of the struggle?
5. Where do you need to start right now, as you seek to cooperate with God who is willing and able to restore your world of talk? What immediate changes is he calling you to?