Conclusion: Three Key Questions for You to Answer
CONCLUSION:
THREE KEY QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO ANSWER
Mark L. Strauss
We have reached the end of our journey. I’m sure you have profi ted from the positive, pastoral, and constructive tone of all three authors. I hope you’ve come away with a better understanding of the biblical teaching on this critically important topic.
As you continue to wrestle with this subject personally or pastorally, let me summarize some key issues and questions raised in this book. All the authors agree that divorce is a tragedy in the church and in society, causing great emotional and spiritual damage to individuals and families. Divorce is contrary to God’s will for human relationships, and Jesus’ strong words against it should never be minimized. God’s purpose for his people is to have healthy, monogamous, lifelong marriages where each spouse seeks the best in the other person.
All the authors also agree that when conflicts arise, couples should seek every means possible to reconcile their differences. Christian marriages are intended to be a reflection of God’s covenant relationship with his people and to reveal to the world the reconciling power of the gospel. If Christians cannot work through their differences and live together in love and unity, how can we presume to tell the world that we have the answer to life’s problems?
THE ROLE OF THE CHURCH AND ITS LEADERS
The church needs to develop a stronger focus on keeping marriages together, not just on spending its energy debating the grounds for divorce and remarriage. Church leaders have often been too quick to ostracize those who are divorced and too slow to provide the resources necessary to maintain healthy marriages. Preventive maintenance is essential for every relationship. Churches should provide premarital counseling for engaged couples to help prepare them for the inevitable conflicts they’ll face. Older couples who have weathered life’s storms should seek out relationships with younger ones, sharing their wisdom on how to make marriage work. Sermons should regularly focus on how to maintain healthy relationships, and marriage enrichment seminars should be a regular part of the church calendar.
While the church must work proactively to prevent divorce, the reality is that we are all sinful people and that divorce happens. Sometimes one partner may be primarily at fault, acting selfishly, irresponsibly, or immorally to cause irreparable damage to the relationship. Other times, the fault may be more evenly divided. But in every case, sin is the ultimate cause of broken relationships. Jesus said that God permitted divorce “because your hearts were hard” (Matt. 19:8).
FORMING YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS:THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS
So what does the Bible teach about remarriage after divorce? The conclusions you reach will depend on your answers to three key questions.
The first centers around what Jesus meant by the so-called “exception clause” of Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 (“except for sexual immorality,” TNIV). There is no doubt that the Old Testament permitted (though did not encourage) divorce and remarriage and that all rabbis of Jesus’ day considered adultery a legitimate grounds for divorce and remarriage. It is also clear that Jesus reacted strongly against the permissive attitude of some rabbis, pointing to the seriousness of the marriage covenant and warning that remarriage after divorce constituted adultery (Mark 10:2 – 9; Luke 16:18). But was this a general (and hyperbolic) statement that needed qualification (so Heth and Keener), or was it the establishment of a firm principle (so Wenham)? The former see Matthew’s exception clause as qualifying Jesus’ strong statement — an allowance for remarriage in the case of adultery; the latter sees it not as an exception but as a clarification of the principle: a husband cannot be said to have made his wife commit adultery (by divorcing her, resulting in her remarriage) if she had already committed adultery during the marriage. Put another way, did Jesus agree with his contemporaries that adultery was an acceptable ground for remarriage, or did he challenge that assumption and overrule the rabbinic teaching of his day?
A second key question has to do with the meaning of Paul’s statement in 1 Corinthians 7:15 that a person “is not bound” following the desertion of an unbelieving spouse. All the contributors to this book agree that Paul spoke strongly against divorce and encouraged divorced persons to remain single in the hope of reconciliation with their partners (1 Cor. 7:11). But again, was this a firm principle (so Wenham), or was it open to exception (so Heth and Keener)? The latter see Paul’s statement “is not bound” as parallel to the language of Jewish divorce statements, meaning “you are free to remarry”; the former sees it merely as the recognition of the reality of the desertion, not as permission to remarry — meaning “you are no longer required to live with that person in a marital relationship.”
The third key question asks whether these two “grounds” for remarriage (adultery and desertion) constitute God’s full revelation on the subject (so Heth, with some openness to other grounds), or whether they are representative — i.e., examples of the kinds of situations that constitute grounds for remarriage (so Keener, with due caution for the potential abuse of these principles). Stated another way, may we draw general principles from these two grounds that could be applied to other situations, or should we limit grounds to those explicitly set out in Scripture?
SOME PRACTICAL CONCERNS
If you are a pastor or Christian leader who seeks greater insight into this issue, I encourage you to reread the chapters that espouse views different from your own. All of us have blind spots in our life, and growth comes through hearing God’s Spirit speak through his Word — sometimes in ways we least expect. Each person who deals with this subject, either pastorally or personally, should approach it with a humble and teachable spirit, fully aware that we are all sinners in need of God’s grace and forgiveness and that none of us have the last word on this difficult issue. Our knowledge and insight will remain partial and incomplete until we see Christ face-to-face (1 Cor. 13:12). Expressing respect, tolerance, and love for those who disagree with us is essential if we are to maintain the unity of faith that God demands for his church (Eph. 4:3; Phil. 2:1 – 2; Col. 3:14).
If you are divorced and contemplating remarriage, let me encourage you to spend significant time in prayer and in seeking godly counsel from people you respect for their spiritual wisdom and insight. I hope you will also take time to consider the circumstances that led to your divorce, asking yourself how you have grown and matured since that experience. Marriage is not necessarily the key to spiritual fulfillment and happiness. Singleness and celibacy are celebrated in Scripture as means to greater intimacy and devotion to the Lord (1 Cor. 7:32 – 35) and should be viewed as a viable option for all believers. God gives many people the gift of singleness, and he is more than sufficient to meet your needs through the presence of his Spirit and through deep, meaningful relationships with other believers. The church must work harder to make single and divorced people feel welcome in their congregations and to remove the stigma so often associated with those who are unmarried.
If you decide, through prayer and study, that remarriage is an option, I hope you will ask yourself several probing questions: Am I harboring deep resentment and bitterness toward my former spouse? Am I unwilling to forgive that person for the wrongs he or she has committed against me? Do I find myself justifying past actions and shifting the blame to others? If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, it’s a warning sign that you have deeper issues that should be resolved before moving into a new relationship. I would encourage you to seek guidance from your pastor or from a counseling professional before going forward. Moving too quickly into another relationship to escape loneliness or to meet physical or emotional needs can have disastrous results, where you may find yourself repeating the tragedies of your past.
If you are wrestling with guilt from the brokenness of a former relationship, I want to remind you that there are no unpardonable sins in the Christian life. God offers healing and forgiveness to all who come to him in humility and repentance and acknowledge their sins. He can restore and renew the wounded and brokenhearted. For our part, God calls us to forgive those who have hurt us and to seek reconciliation with them. He wants us to make amends and to ask forgiveness from those we have hurt, as we live all of our relationships with Philippians 2:3 – 4 in mind: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” God’s purpose for you is to love and worship your heavenly Father and to love others as yourself. As we learn to put these foundational commands into action, we will be on our way to experiencing fulfilled and meaningful relationships that will last a lifetime.
May God richly bless you as you seek to honor him in all your relationships and as you grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.