6. The Big Question of Belonging

6. The Big Question of Belonging

6

The Big Question of Belonging

Thing is, I’ve never been older than sixteen. I can’t know what it’s like to have lived a whole life only to look back and realize I was truly lonely. But I know the flip side of that coin—what it’s like to see my life spread out in front of me as a hundred roads to be traveled, and what if I choose the wrong one? Or worse, what if the wrong one is chosen for me, and I get to the end of this road and no one else is there? That fear I know well. And sometimes I think the potential of loneliness is scarier than actual loneliness.

Noah, The Strange Fascinations of Noah Hypnotik

Michael has lived in the same farmhouse down a dirt road his entire life. This tall White senior from Michigan drives a lifted pickup truck and goes to a local Christian school—the same one his dad attended. He loves baseball, works on cars, and spends a lot of time outside.

Michael describes being part of his church since “before he was born.” In fact, so have both of his parents. And grandparents. As Michael observed, “It’s just a family thing, I guess.” That “family thing” extends to cousins and people who are like family, given their long-term relationships in this historically Dutch farming community.

Faith devotion is common within that close network. “Most of my family and cousins were brought up with me—Christian school their whole life, church twice on Sunday, the Bible and a devotion at the dinner table. Growing up, I was in everything related to church.”

He has a close-knit group of friends at school. “I would never want it to change.” The teachers there are not just authority figures but also offer support and tell students, “You can talk to me.” And his church “is a tight community, like everybody knows everybody, so when you walk in you just feel like . . . people come to talk to you, so you feel like you are wanted there.”

That feeling of being wanted has always characterized Michael’s relationships at home too. His mom has been “super supportive, no matter what. I played three sports, and my mom would bring me to all the practices and get me all the equipment. Even if I was not great at what I did, my parents would still support me and want me to succeed in what I liked doing—always ready to help. And my mom is always there to talk and stuff like that, which is huge.”

Michael’s relationship with his father is also close, and they like to ride ATVs or snowmobiles and hunt together. Sharing a photograph of two snowmobiles on a forest trail, he talked about how meaningful it is to “have a very close relationship with my dad. In this picture, this is his sled in front of mine. I’m doing this with him. I can do this by myself, and he could do it by himself, but we would rather do it together and have fun with each other. It’s cool because, as I grow up, he still wants to be part of my life—a big part of my life. That’s how I feel accepted.”

Like most of his peers, Michael spends a few hours a day on Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, and text messaging. But unlike most students we interviewed, Michael worries about the downside of technology. “I feel like our security is in technology. You don’t want to talk to people, so you just text them or something like that. I just feel like we have lost a sense of having a real relationship with people around us and having face-to-face conversations.”

While Michael generally works hard at school and his job, he doesn’t feel like he has to work hard in order to belong. He just belongs. “Your belonging is your safe place . . . you just feel secure when you belong somewhere.”

Defining Belonging: Where Do I Fit?

Belonging is our connection with others. It’s how we feel like we fit in with groups of people. We might say we “belong” when we’re with those who really know, understand, and accept us for who we are.

Belonging is one of the great spiritual hungers of our day. We are a society marked by loneliness and disconnection. We have so many reasons for telling people they don’t belong—because of their personality, neighborhood, income, race, ethnicity, immigration status, or disability. We have friends and followers and fans on social media, but these connections often only remind us who isn’t following us or where we don’t belong.

We want to belong so badly that we will go to great lengths—even hiding or changing parts of our identity or pursuing a false sense of purpose—to feel it. For teenagers in particular, “Where do I fit?” usually leads among the 3 big questions. They’re desperate to belong.

What about Loneliness?

Is this the loneliest generation? Have we reached “epidemic levels” of loneliness in our society?

Maybe.

Loneliness is no small thing. It has the same impact on mortality as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. It’s a better predictor of early death than obesity. So yes, loneliness can kill us. At the same time, all loneliness isn’t equal.

Research suggests that while some teenagers feel particularly alone during adolescence, overall some people simply feel lonelier than others. Loneliness is based on how we perceive our relationships—the ones we have versus the ones we wish we had. These discrepancies can be greatest during the teen years; part of growing up is sorting out where we need to forge stronger bonds or when we need to have more realistic expectations for our friendships.

One teenager we know sized this up well on her first day of class at a new school. As she got out of the car, she turned to her dad and said, “Okay, I have three hours to find someone to sit with at lunch.”

Sitting by yourself at lunch feels painfully lonely for most teenagers. But some young people can be surrounded by others and still feel lonely. A recent global study revealed that of all generations, loneliness was highest among sixteen- to twenty-four-year-olds, with 40 percent saying they felt lonely often or very often. And a 2019 US-based survey found that Gen Z identifies with loneliness more than any other generation, with more than half feeling as if people around them are not really with them and that no one really knows them well.

What Is It That Young People Remember the Most about Their High School Ministry?

In our Growing Young research, responses to this question varied from playing silly games at youth retreats to attending big conferences to learning more about their faith. But the number one response young people gave to this question was the ministry’s consistency. Young people need something stable to come back to when everything else in their lives is in flux.a

a Analysis based on FYI’s Growing Young research dataset. Thanks to Daniel Mendoza for this insight.

So loneliness is a mixed bag—for young people and for all of us—when it comes to our experiences of belonging. Keeping this in mind, we now turn to the three most common answers we heard to the question “Where do I fit?”

Three Current Answers for Belonging: I Fit . . .

I Fit Where I Feel Safe to Be Me

I fit where I feel comfortable—with people who accept me and don’t judge me, where I can be my real self and not fake, where I’m included.

In some ways, safety is part of the very meaning of belonging. It’s a basic condition, a prerequisite. Feelings of safety, security, and acceptance are critical to belonging in groups. Students we interviewed used the term safe and related synonyms (secure, shelter, protect) over one hundred times to describe various aspects of belonging. They also talked about belonging as where they feel comfortable, with people who feel like family.

It’s like not having to be fake around certain people, because if you’re being fake that’s not where you belong, you know? —Hailey

The Power of Friendship

We might be tempted to underestimate the power of friendship for adolescents. That would be a mistake. Friendship is key to answering not only the big question of belonging but also those of identity and purpose. What’s more, the holistic health benefits of friendship have been repeatedly supported by research: friends help us live both longer and better. Journalistic researcher Lydia Denworth explored the role of friendship and concluded:

Having and being a good friend counts for as much or more than the many other achievements we push our kids toward in the classroom, on the basketball court or in the orchestra. Friendship is where kids build social skills—companionship, trust, loyalty, reciprocity and reconciliation—that they can only learn from peer relationships. These are muscles they need to strengthen for adulthood. As they age, strong friendships will be as important for our children’s health as diet and exercise.a

A number of students in our interviews talked about finding good friends later in high school. Like Armando, whose junior year was a turning point because he finally found a friend group that felt “like family to me. Finding friends like those—it’s once in a lifetime.” And Hannah, who shared, “In senior year I found my real friends. They were not necessarily the popular people, but genuinely kindhearted. I don’t feel like I have to constantly try to impress them, and I’m not afraid they will make fun of me. These are friends who will accept me for whoever I am.”

a Lydia Denworth, “How Monkeys Taught Me to Appreciate Teen Sleepovers,” New York Times, February 4, 2020, https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/04/well/family/teenagers-friendships-sleepovers-video-games-parenting.html. Denworth is the author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond (New York: Norton, 2020).

Arthur talked about safety as a word that “kind of encompasses everything, because it is the one place I can return to and still be loved regardless of whatever I do, whatever I say.”

Janelle reflected, “If I’m in an unknown situation or place, it naturally feels uneasy. So it’s not safe. Like I’m safe from danger, but not safe to be who I am or to express myself in the way that I want.” She contrasted this with being at home: “I can be myself there.”

This underscores the link between identity and belonging, a theme we will see elsewhere in this chapter. When I really belong, it’s not just about fitting in. It’s about bringing my real self to the table and not just the version others want to see.

Hailey frequently feels as though she has to present a particular version of herself in order to fit in with her friends. She shared, “Even though I enjoy hanging out with friends, sometimes I feel like I need to say something to be funny. But then if no one laughs, I’m like, Oh no, I’m not a good friend. Sometimes it’s overwhelming to try to be a friend, and I think, I can’t say this or If I do that, they’re not going to like me.”

For Janelle and many of our interview participants, home life was a significant source of belonging. But for others, family didn’t feel so safe.

NOTE: If a young person discloses abuse of any type in a conversation with you, in particular if the teenager is in current danger, please reach out for additional support. Depending on your state and local guidelines, you may be a mandated reporter, meaning you are obligated to share suspected or alleged abuse with authorities. Please consult your supervisor (whether you serve in a paid or volunteer role) if you are unsure about abuse protocols in your context. You can also call or text the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) for guidance or visit childwelfare.gov.

We mentioned in chapter 5 that Sebastian had experienced abuse at home. He painfully recalled, “Being abused by my dad made me want to question my belonging everywhere I went. I had to make sure this was a place I belonged and that these were people who actually accepted me for who I am, because he didn’t accept me at all. Even now, if I’m going to be in a new environment, I have to first make sure they accept me.”

Indeed, not belonging in our families is one of the most painful hurts we can experience.

I Fit Where We Share ________________________.

I fit where we have shared experiences, where we have the same values and priorities, where we have worked together on something, where we like the same music or use similar language.

Michael, whom we met at the start of this chapter, talked about belonging with his friends because they share so much in common. “It’s great just being able to sit around and talk about things that don’t matter or things that do matter. Anything in general, just sitting around and talking. Having different views on things, but also believing the same stuff in general. And being sarcastic with each other—just messing around. I think that is kind of a cool thing.”

We frequently heard belonging described as simply being together. We also heard a lot about shared experiences that create belonging: running on the same cross-country team, being in a school club, going on a church retreat, or even listening to the same music.

Of course, these very experiences that foster belonging for some can make those who don’t share them feel even more left out. One senior reflected, “A lot of times when I was in middle school, I tried to learn song lyrics to make friends. But as soon as a new song came out and I didn’t know it, we weren’t friends anymore. I didn’t know how that worked.”

I started theater, and it was a very open space of people. I felt like that was my escape. We would meet every Wednesday and go in our theater lab and just hang out and laugh or play games together, and I felt like that was my way of being accepted. My drama teacher was very positive in how she interacted with me. She made sure I felt appreciated every time I was there. —Sebastian

It can be helpful to think about these aspects of shared experience like a topography of belonging—a landscape teenagers traverse in search of their fit. Young people constantly navigate multiple groups and relationships simultaneously, whether due to divorce, race, migration, or just the difference between church, family, and school. These can feel like disparate locations on a young person’s belonging map.

It’s not uncommon for a young person to feel as though they’re constantly shifting who they are for different audiences because they desperately want to belong in each group. But as they move from place to place on the map, they belong in different ways. As we were processing interview insights, Montague Williams, an advisor for this project, suggested, “This whole work of belonging is about trying out different versions of ‘we.’” Sometimes the “me” changes for each “we.” The student who was confused about the connection between song lyrics and friends illustrates that true belonging—being known, understood, and accepted—can feel just plain elusive, like a hidden spot off the grid.

Being on the outside is hard. Steve is a senior from North Carolina who talked insightfully about exclusion with Andy Jung, his interviewer.

ANDY: Now think about a time you felt left out or excluded. Tell me a little bit about that experience.

STEVE: I’d have to say football. The team is close, but I am not really close with the team. All of them hang out on the weekends. They do stuff together. I just don’t hang out with them, because none of my friends—my close, close friends—play this sport. So whenever they are going to a party or to get food, I don’t get invited or asked if I’m going. I don’t feel like that is really who I am or who I need to be with, but I still feel excluded.

ANDY: Do you feel that was a decision you made, or was that a decision made by the rest of the team?

STEVE: I think it was made for me, because I would love to hang out with the guys, you know—go do whatever they’re going to do. I just haven’t been . . .

ANDY: Just have never been included?

STEVE: Right. Never been included.

Many teenagers who struggle to find shared experiences with peers in their local community look online for support (as do some of their parents). This is especially true for LGBTQ young people who feel rejected at school, home, or church—or all three. Inclusive virtual environments have been shown to increase these teenagers’ sense of belonging.

Taylor, who identifies as gender nonbinary, hasn’t had to find acceptance only through meeting other teenagers online but does worry about belonging when not around close friends—most of whom are also “part of the LGBTQ community.” Taylor shared, “I worry when I meet new people that they’re not going to respect my identity or that they will be rude to me. I have the constant fear of being misgendered on purpose. I think that’s why I hang out with my friends so much; that is where I know I belong.”

I Would Fit If I Were White . . . or If I Had Been Born Here

We would be missing a key element in the experience of half of this generation if we didn’t name how culture and race impact belonging. Implicitly or explicitly, US young people of color and Indigenous youth often hear the message that they fit only if they are White. Immigrant and refugee youth may also face barriers to belonging, depending on their familiarity with dominant US culture, English language fluency, and family citizenship status.

This is a well-researched phenomenon known as “belonging uncertainty.”a Belonging uncertainty happens when someone in a particular group questions whether they belong in a social setting such as school, a team, work, or church. In chapter 2, we shared Janelle’s experience of being good at school but hearing from peers that Black kids aren’t supposed to be smart, and in chapter 4, we noted Daniel’s experience of not fitting in with Black teammates because he doesn’t speak in a certain manner and is biracial. Arthur also experienced this belonging uncertainty as a result of moving internationally multiple times as a child: from Korea to China, back to Korea, then to the US, each move requiring cultural adaptation.

Discrimination affects teenagers in many ways, one of which is a feeling of “I don’t really fit here.” For Janelle, that could translate as “AP classes are for White kids,” and for Daniel as “not being Black enough” on the basketball court. That sort of uncertainty can negatively impact both academics and health. The good news is that when students are reassured they do belong, they are more protected against negative stereotypes, are more likely to earn higher grades, and remain healthier overall.b

a Gregory M. Walton and Geoffrey L. Cohen, “A Question of Belonging: Race, Social Fit, and Achievement,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92, no. 1 (2007): 82–96; and Gregory M. Walton and Geoffrey L. Cohen, “A Brief Social-Belonging Intervention Improves Academic and Health Outcomes of Minority Students,” Science 331, no. 6023 (2011): 1447–51.

b Walton and Cohen, “A Brief Social-Belonging Intervention,” 1447.

I Fit Where I Feel Like I’m Needed

I fit where I have to help out in some way, when I’m needed.

Daniel describes an interplay between belonging and responsibility. His family attends a predominantly Asian American church where Daniel is very involved. Far from being a passive participant, he knows his church needs him to help out. But Daniel doesn’t talk about it like an obligation—it’s just part of what it means to belong.

At home, Daniel often has to help take care of his younger sister and his dad, who struggles with multiple health issues, while his mom juggles several jobs. His mom talks about “sticking together” as a family value and being a “team.” Daniel knows he’s needed, and he has had to bear the weight of adult responsibility early—especially when they weathered a series of evictions and moves. But he describes family hardship as part of what has cemented their belonging. There is no question they need one another.

One of the ways researchers talk about belonging is seeing ourselves as integral parts of the systems that surround us—relationships, organizations, and cultural environments. So it’s natural for young people to feel like they belong when they know they’re needed in some way. Being needed can feel good.

But there’s a darker side to fitting where we’re needed. Sometimes it can feel like belonging is conditional. It can add pressure and expectations. It can leave teenagers feeling as if they’re never free to just “be” in a world that always needs them to “do.”

Teenagers’ Complicated Relationship with Tech

America now divides into two classes: those who have lived with social media–laden smartphones since childhood, and the rest of us. Note how we elders are now the exception, rather than the rule, since our time will never come again. A profound and irreversible change in the grain of ordinary life has taken place, and the kids who have swiped iPads from infancy are now old enough to be forming significant political communities online. Their socially augmented reality has arrived, but our understanding of their ways has not kept pace.

Josephine Livingstonea

For “the rest of us,” teenagers’ tech use can raise all kinds of concerns. We worry about the effects of gaming too much, posting on social media too much, texting too much, and staring at screens too much. Some of these fears are certainly valid.

Others are a function of generational differences. Even if we feel relatively tech-savvy and comfortable with a variety of devices and platforms, those of us over thirty-five are still not indigenously digital. We immigrated from another world altogether. We can work to empathize with young people, but we haven’t shared their experiences.

One of adults’ concerns about tech use is its impact on relationships. So how does belonging look different in the digital world?

First, as we mention in this chapter, young people who feel ostracized in their communities can find belonging in virtual contexts with others who share their particular interests, medical or psychological diagnosis, sexual orientation, or gender identity. For example, advocacy organizations such as the National Eating Disorder Association provide online communities for struggling youth.b

Second, when social media is used for enhancing existing relationships, it can become a useful tool for reducing loneliness. For most teenagers, there is a big overlap between real and virtual relationships. Staying in touch through social media with friends from school, church, sports, or camp has been shown to increase belongingness.c This was especially helpful for young people (and perhaps all generations) during the COVID-19 pandemic as digital means of communication became a lifeline for belonging.d

But the opposite also happens. When social media is used as an escape from the social pain of interactions, it can have a negative impact. Young people may hide in plain sight on devices and protect themselves from rejection, but it comes at the cost of increasing loneliness.e

Third, many Gen Z youth see conversation as a seamless event across platforms. They might be connecting with the same friends in multiple places simultaneously, including IRL (In Real Life), without a second thought that this is unusual.f Lilly shared, “It’s so weird, because I have my Kakao group chats with my friends, but then I also talk to them on Snapchat and Instagram. So I’ll send my friend a post of a meme on Instagram and then send the same friend a TikTok through Snapchat. Then she will respond to both. We’re having two separate conversations at the same time on two different social media platforms.”

The complicated advantages and disadvantages of technology are well described by Arthur: “Social media and texting help me talk with my friends and get closer to them. But social media also helps people badmouth others, which people have done to me. [Laughs.] So I cut off my social contact with those people. So yeah, for me, it goes both ways. I agree that it can do good, but it can potentially also do bad.”

a Josephine Livingstone, “Jawline Explores the Teenage Dream of Social Media,” New Republic, August 22, 2019, https://newrepublic.com/article/154824/jawline-explores-teenage-dream-social-media.

b See the resources available at nationaleatingdisorders.org.

c Katie Davis, “Friendship 2.0: Adolescents’ Experiences of Belonging and Self-Disclosure Online,” Journal of Adolescence 35, no. 6 (2012): 1527–36; and Rebecca Nowland, Elizabeth A. Necka, and John T. Cacioppo, “Loneliness and Social Internet Use: Pathways to Reconnection in a Digital World?” Perspectives on Psychological Science 13, no. 1 (January 2018): 70–87.

d Candice L. Odgers and Michael B. Robb, Tweens, Teens, Tech, and Mental Health (San Francisco: Common Sense Media, 2020).

e Nowland, Necka, and Cacioppo, “Loneliness and Social Internet Use,” 70. Though note that studies have been unable to clearly link tech use itself with loneliness. Both very heavy social media users and those who don’t use it at all report similar rates of loneliness. Alexa Hagerty, “Community Can Offer a Cure to Our Technology Addictions,” Pacific Standard, May 6, 2019, https://psmag.com/ideas/how-community-can-offer-a-cure-to-our-technology-addictions.

f Thanks to Joi Freeman of Remnant Strategy for this insight. Find more of Joi’s work on Gen Z at remnant strategy.com.

Big Question

Focus

Description

Current Answers

Christ-Centered Answer

Who am I?

Identity

Our view of ourselves

I’m ENOUGH because of Jesus.

Where do I fit?

Belonging

Our connection with others

I fit . . .

Remembering Where We Fit When We Were Teenagers

Garrison Hayes serves as pastor for generational ministries at Community Praise Church in Alexandria, Virginia. He interviewed teenagers on the East Coast for this project, and I (Brad) caught up with him to explore themes of belonging—both in his life and with students in his ministry.

BRAD: When you were a teenager, how do you remember wrestling with the question of belonging: Where do I fit?

GARRISON: I was born in 1990, so my teenage years happened as the internet was really becoming a thing. I started a YouTube channel and built what I thought was a really cool following of a thousand people, and I was like, “I’m famous now!” I was wrestling with identity and belonging in both real life and on the internet, curating this person I thought I wanted to be.

I didn’t feel like I really belonged at my family’s conservative Christian church, in part because of the way people viewed filmmaking. I wrestled with having a sense of calling, but not the approval of my community. So I found belonging on the internet among a community of people who were also making films. I didn’t feel like I had to explain anything in order to be accepted there.

BRAD: What were some other influences on your sense of belonging during those years?

GARRISON: At the risk of sounding contradictory, my pastor was a huge influence. I felt really connected to him and his charisma and way of communicating. I think I tried to take that to the internet when I was making videos.

Some of my older cousins mentored me and loved me through my teen years—they always let me be myself. So did my grandmother, my nana. She moved in with us when I was six, so I don’t have a lot of memories without her being part of the family. I’ve always felt a profound sense of belonging with her. To this day, anywhere she is, that’s where I want to be.

BRAD: What do you wish adults had done when you were a young person that would have increased your sense of belonging?

GARRISON: I wish they had asked me what I wanted to do in life and who I wanted to be. I wish they had been more curious about who I was and less exacting on who I should be according to their theology, tradition, practice, and ideas about the world. I think if I’d had more curious adults in my life, I would have felt much more like I fit; I would’ve felt at least heard.

BRAD: Often teenagers feel as if they don’t really belong even in their own families. Thinking about parents and caregivers, what do you wish they would do to increase a sense of belonging, that sense of fitting in our families?

GARRISON: I try to have consideration for privilege and what people are able to give and do, but I really wish more parents invited their teenagers to have some sort of say in what happens in the home. Parents have big decisions to make that children can’t always give input on. But they can invite them to have input in the meal that night or what they’re watching or what they’re doing this week. Even on that level, it’s something that gives kids a sense of ownership in the home. I think ownership builds belonging.

BRAD: What have you learned about teenagers and belonging as an interviewer for this project that you’re taking back to your ministry?

GARRISON: I think most teenagers feel as though they belong with their friends, particularly people who laugh at the same things, believe the same things, and who are willing to allow them to be authentically themselves. If they feel that they are being themselves today, they feel as though they belong. It’s been valuable for me as a youth leader to remember I was like that as well—and belonging is a desire we never really lose.

You know, I can’t help but consider the moment we’re living in and all we’re facing, especially in light of racial injustice. The search to belong is intersecting with current events and what’s happening in a young person’s life. I think the need for authenticity is heightened. I had a conversation with some of my teens about where they are and how they’re feeling about everything going on around us. What kept coming to the surface is that they wanted to share anger and frustration and confusion without someone trying to dictate how those emotions should be felt or expressed.

As we’re having critical conversations on race and justice and equity, I think it’s important for our students to feel heard, listened to, and accepted for who they are and what they believe. Being able to level with them without trying to control their thoughts is really important in fostering a sense of belonging.

I Belong . . . for Now

Earlier in this chapter we heard from Hannah, who described making close friends her senior year of high school. For students like Hannah, sometimes earlier experiences of rejection shape the way they later find true belonging. Hannah talked about being bullied in middle school as a precursor to how she sees people now.

In junior high, I would spend all of my lunches and breaks in the bathroom stalls, or I would pretend to be sick and my grandpa would pick me up—to the point that the nurses were like my friends. I think going through that taught me a lot of compassion. Instead of being quick to judge others, I want to get to know them and give them the benefit of the doubt. I do my best to reach out to people.

As with identity, teenagers are figuring belonging out as they go. It has a temporary nature to it because young people’s lives are in motion. They must constantly negotiate where they fit.

Much of the time, young people qualify “I belong” with “for now.”

We all long for a more permanent sense of belonging—one that isn’t qualified by whether we feel safe enough to be ourselves, we share the right things, or we’re needed. In the next chapter, we will explore a Christ-centered response to the question “Where do I fit?” and share ideas to help the young people in your life say an everyday “Yes” to Jesus’ better answer.

REFLECT and APPLY

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