10. Conversations and Connections in Tough Times

10. Conversations and Connections in Tough Times

10

Conversations and Connections in Tough Times

I feel like the chapters of my life would be centered around my emotional state, because I have my highs and lows and they really differ throughout the year.

Karie

When we set out to write this book in 2020, we had no way of predicting what would unfold. On Friday, March 13, my (Brad’s) kids went to school like normal. The local school board had decided the night before to keep school in session and watch the progress of the coronavirus, which just recently had been labeled a “pandemic.” But by midday, the district had changed course. Students left school that Friday without really saying goodbye to anyone, thinking they’d be back after an extra week of spring break.

That extra week turned into an extra two months. School never resumed that spring—or for much of the next year. Children, teenagers, and young adults nationwide entered a months-long quarantine at home, separated from friends, teachers, and coaches. For some, this meant monotony and stir-crazy angst. For others whose parents lost jobs, whose family members worked on the front lines of the pandemic, or whose homes weren’t emotionally or physically safe, it meant daily fear of the worst. And for far too many, the worst did come. Death visited their homes, extended family, or friends.

We all have our personal stories of the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic. My oldest daughter, Anna, lost many of the most-anticipated moments of senior year. Prom. Grad night. Graduation itself. There were a few school friends and favorite teachers she may never see in person again. This major life celebration dissolved into one loss after another, followed by the loss of an on-campus first fall semester of college. On top of that, her grandfather (my father) died, and we were unable to travel to Kentucky to attend the funeral or hug our family. It was all so surreal.

Similarly, Kara’s youngest, Jessica, lost many of the most-anticipated parts of eighth grade, thanks to COVID-19’s abrupt end of a fourteen-year streak for the Powells at the same K–8 school. The teachers and administrators valiantly rallied for a Socially Distant Parking Lot Eighth Grade Graduation (drive-in movie style), but it was a far cry from what Jessica had seen her older brother and sister experience in years prior.

And there was more. While the pandemic raged on, bringing with it a stark economic downturn, something else emerged. Incidences of racial violence leapt to the forefront of public consciousness. The violence wasn’t new, but in a series of dramatic moments, long-standing wounds were ripped open by the sequential deaths of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd. An undercurrent of injustice was elevated to a national crisis. Some peaceful protests turned into riots. Young people (including those in my and Kara’s families) raised their voices alongside those of adults, often leading the way in organizing gatherings for weeks following. Across the country, crowds gathered to speak up for the human dignity of Black lives.

To young people already wrestling with the 3 big questions of identity, belonging, and purpose, the world felt on fire. Disruption ruled the day.

The Power of Disruption

Disruptive became one of the most commonly used descriptors in 2020. Plans were crushed. Dreams were deferred, or altogether decimated. Anger spurred action around racial injustice.

In the midst of so much upheaval, surprises broke through. Many teenagers got creative during quarantine. They made music, baked bread, encouraged one another from a distance, and found ways to help their communities.

They also organized to call for change. During just one week in Nashville, six teenagers orchestrated a march via Twitter that drew over ten thousand peaceful protesters. These young women—all ages fourteen to sixteen—founded Teens for Equality together, despite never having met in person until the march. Reflecting on the impact of the five-hour protest, co-organizer Kennedy Green shared, “I do believe in the future because there are a lot of kids who are changing the future, trying to end white supremacy and hatred and racism in America.”

Kennedy, we believe with you.

Indeed, laws and policies started changing. Monuments started coming down. A deeper commitment grew to understand and honor the Black experience. It wasn’t the end of the road by any measure, but it felt like rounding a new corner.

Disruption, it turns out, can be a powerful catalyst for change.

Stability and Instability

Life is full of instabilities and interruptions. Most of the time we do not anticipate them or welcome them. Our parents divorce. We move to another state. Our stepmom loses her job. A brother becomes chronically ill. We survive a traumatic car accident.

Even instabilities like not getting the position they hoped to play on a team can throw a student off. Or failing a test in their best subject. Or (circling back to Kara’s story in our opening chapter) losing a school election.

Being flung into many different locations and environments helped me learn to adapt. Because I have experienced so many different settings, it helps me understand who I am and how I can belong. —Arthur

But here’s a reframe: instability can be a greenhouse for growth in identity, belonging, and purpose. Disruptions till the soil—or transplant us into altogether different gardens—n which young people learn to put down new roots, sprout new branches, and eventually produce a harvest.

Despite looking on the positive side of adversity in this chapter, we feel compelled to acknowledge that there are plenty of disruptions from which we want to shield young people altogether. Experiences of abuse, poverty, or racial discrimination come quickly to mind. No one should have to live through the pain and dehumanization of any of these often-traumatic stressors; it is unthinkable that we allow and even support systems that propagate all three—frequently for the same young people. Naming the power of adversity for growth in no way means these atrocities are positive or justified.a

a Research abounds on the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs. They consist of traumatic events that occur in childhood or adolescence (from birth to age seventeen). According to the CDC, ACEs “are linked to chronic health problems, mental illness, and substance misuse in adulthood. ACEs can also negatively impact education and job opportunities.” “Preventing Adverse Childhood Experiences,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, accessed June 22, 2020, https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/aces/fastfact.html.

We naturally look for that growth in the positive disruptions. When my (Kara’s) son Nathan went to college, we anticipated it would stretch him in all kinds of new ways. And sure enough, the first time he returned home on break, he felt different. His identity and purpose in particular grew so much during freshman year. While he’s still close to Dave and me, Nathan is clearer about where he’s similar to and different from us. He’s more adult.

Whether we experience disruptions as positive or negative, we don’t get to escape them; we have to find our way through. We have to make meaning from our hardships. As leaders and parents, we may want to protect kids from all kinds of struggles, but we can’t. And even if we could, we would be hindering them from the growth they need.

We’ve been giving you tips throughout this book for better conversations and connections around the 3 big questions. Here are a few more to help you walk with young people through their toughest days.

Conversations about Tough Times

If you’ve worked with young people very long, you know that painful experiences can open doors to some of the best conversations—often along the themes of identity, belonging, and purpose. When life is hard, we can be present to teenagers and help them say an everyday “Yes” to Jesus, even or maybe especially during hardship.

A Conversation to Process Painful Experiences

When a young person first talks about a disruption or loss, they may be very emotional or just the opposite—emotionally flat. Either way, start by trying to understand what happened from their perspective and how it is impacting them. The teenager’s perception of what happened is more important than sorting out facts and details. Be careful not to push too hard soon after a troubling event; sometimes a young person needs time before they are ready to process very much.

NOW

A Conversation for When a Teenager Experiences Violence in Their Community

Growing up in the span from Sandy Hook to Parkland, this generation is well aware that no community is immune to violence. In the wake of a local traumatic event like a neighborhood or school shooting, here are some conversation tools to use with a young person.

NOW

Use phrases that help them feel safe to share. Start with basic questions.

Be attentive for signs of post-traumatic stress, which include feeling hopeless, numb, on guard, or scared; increased mood swings; having trouble sleeping or eating; acting out; or other physical distress. If the young person is experiencing these symptoms, start by encouraging them to take a break from news related to the events for a while. If signs of post-traumatic stress linger more than a couple of weeks, it’s a good idea to help the young person find professional help.

Dr. Cynthia Eriksson, a trauma specialist in Fuller’s School of Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy, offers these suggestions as we journey with young people experiencing post-traumatic stress:

We need to let them express whatever is going on in their minds in terms of their relationship with God. Our pastoral and parental tendency is to come in with some sort of answer to help them not doubt anymore. However, the most important first step is to be heard, even if what needs to be said are horrible thoughts toward God. Let go of the need to be a theological educator and stay in the moment in a pastoral place with the young person. Acknowledge that it’s often hard to see God in the midst of these experiences.

If we turn to someone in the midst of doubt and say, “God is going to get you through this,” we risk the possibility of the person feeling guilty or judged for not being able to hold on to that hope themselves. I’ll never forget when I discovered Psalm 88. It doesn’t end with professions of God’s faithfulness, but rather something like, “I’m going to die.” There are moments in life where we do not see the hopeful side, and it seems impossible to hold on to God’s goodness. For many, it might take a long time to see God in the midst of what happened. The most caring thing is to hear the doubts and not try to “fix” the person or convince him or her otherwise.

When a Friend Attempts or Dies by Suicide

Tragically, most young people will know a teenager who attempts or dies by suicide, whether a friend or a local peer. When suicide hits close to home, adults often feel helpless and even paralyzed about what to do next.

Law enforcement chaplain and Fuller faculty member Mary Glenn has been a first responder in a number of these situations. She shares the following guidelines for anyone walking with young people through this particular season of grief.a

Here are a few practical phrases you can use to avoid minimizing pain or promising that everything will be okay:

a Mary Glenn, “In the Aftermath of Suicide: Helping Communities Heal,” Fuller Youth Institute, February 26, 2014, https://fulleryouthinstitute.org/articles/in-the-aftermath-of-suicide. Thanks to Aaron Rosales and Hannah Lee for additional insights on this section.

Connections about Tough Times through Lament

“Why are you so far off? Why have you hidden your face from me?”

When bad things happen, it’s common to question, be angry with, and struggle to trust God. The most appropriate response to these kinds of reactions is to lament. Lament is a God-given tool to help us pray and worship our way through pain and tragedy. While uncomfortable and sometimes awkward to read, the psalms of lament (there are over sixty-five of them) in the Bible give us language for crying out to God in ways we might not normally find acceptable. Perhaps that’s exactly why they exist.

As youth workers or parents, we may fear taking students to places of honest doubt, anger, and disappointment with God. However, failing to create an environment for authentic lament can result in spiritually and psychologically short-circuiting the necessary healing process. Through the practice of lament, we have the opportunity to offer the hope of Christ and his reorienting power to lives that have been plunged into disorientation.

A Connection through Reading and Praying Psalms of Lament

Whether one-on-one or in a small group context, read psalms of lament together. Consider for starters Psalms 6, 10, 13, 42, 61, 74, 77, 80, 88, 126, and 142.

If these psalms are new to your young people, you might start with Psalm 13. In just six verses, Psalm 13 models the rhythm of lament—from honest despair to petition to hope. It begins with “How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?” (v. 1) and moves to “but I trust in your unfailing love” (v. 5). In the middle is a passionate request for God to “look on me and answer . . . or I will sleep in death” (v. 3).

Do one or more of the following as a next step to help young people interact with psalms of lament:

Be sure to debrief these practices, talking through their feelings of comfort or discomfort in approaching God in these ways.

Lament Connections through Music

Since the psalms in the Bible were originally sung, we know music has been used to share raw feelings with God for thousands of years, maybe since the beginning of time. Music is deeply linked with emotional expression—especially for teenagers. Reassure students that the feelings they let out when listening to their favorite songs are ones they can bring to God too.

Either one-on-one or in a group context, invite students to think about their favorite sad song—maybe it’s a breakup song, maybe it expresses anger or loss. Encourage them to name all the emotions they feel when they listen to the song.

Be prepared to listen without judgment, even if young people share songs that include explicit lyrics or that you think hold little value (musical or otherwise). This is a time to listen and affirm!

Musically inclined teenagers can be encouraged to create their own songs inspired by lament. Let them know it’s okay if they want to keep this kind of song to themselves but that you can also be a safe person to share their music with even if they aren’t comfortable sharing it broadly.

You may want to have a song of your own ready to play as an example and share why it helps you express grief, hurt, or heartache. You might have a story about why this song has voiced your lament in a particularly difficult time or has reminded you of the goodness of God. You can also search online for “psalm lament songs” to find one or more recorded songs that might help your young people share their sadness, fears, and confusion with God. (Do this ahead of time. There’s also plenty of funky stuff online using these search terms.)

Lament Connections Elsewhere in the Bible

Since we have already highlighted laments in the book of Psalms, here we look to other helpful texts that can be compelling to meditate on, memorize, send by text, or compile into a small group or youth ministry teaching series.

Saying “Yes” to Jesus in Our Struggles

In the midst of walking through hard moments in young people’s lives, we can help them keep saying an everyday “Yes” to Jesus. As we do, our hope is not to produce happiness, success, wealth, or even stability on the other side of instability.

Our hope is to help young people flourish.

We believe all people are created to flourish. This is God’s ultimate hope for humanity. And we believe the identity, belonging, and purpose journeys of young people direct them toward flourishing, even when the road is paved with adversity. That’s where our discipleship is heading: our everyday “Yes” to Jesus is always another step toward participating in the inbreaking good news of God for the life of the world.

Grace-Filled Realism

If you’re feeling overwhelmed at the prospects of walking with teenagers through their most painful experiences, remember that you don’t need to be perfect in your caregiving. Accompaniment itself is often a healing gift.

Pastoral care scholar Edward Wimberly writes about the pressure we put on ourselves when we care for others. He asserts that we can offer a “good enough empathy” in place of trying to achieve some impossibly perfect standard. We can help young people with “grace-filled realism,” which “enables us to make significant—but not unflawed—contributions to the lives of others. It is not driven by fear of falling short of an impossible external standard, or law, or expectation. Rather, grace-filled realism is caregiving nurtured by a transcendent love that motivates and energizes.”a

a Edward P. Wimberly, Recalling Our Own Stories: Spiritual Renewal for Religious Caregivers (Minneapolis: Fortress, 2019), 11.

The young people in your life need more than a thin gospel; they need a robust vision of the good news of Jesus that holds up under their greatest trials. Your accompaniment on their discipleship journey can both point to and model what it looks like to say “Yes” to Jesus even when life is hard.

Keep Paying Attention

Kara and I (Brad), and our entire interview team, were changed by spending so many hours listening to the teenagers you’ve met in these pages. We didn’t always hear what we expected.

They challenged our assumptions.

They gave language and stories to statistics.

Our interview teammate Jennifer Guerra Aldana reflected on the process: “I walked in wondering who would want to talk about these things with a total stranger, and walked out thinking, Who wouldn’t want to? So I sat with the interview protocols one night and started journaling through them. I ended up in tears. These reflections showed up in my therapy sessions, and I thought, ‘Everybody should be doing this for themselves first!’”

I (Brad) have often thought back to my interviews with Armando. A recent high school graduate who lives with his grandmother, Armando is figuring out what it means to be a young adult while remaining tethered to his family. I’ll never forget his description of his relationship with his grandmother. He really loves her, but “a little space to breathe would be perfect for me.” As a parent of a daughter also trying to become an adult, that expression hit home for me.

I was moved by Armando’s resilience. He was born in Mexico and moved to the US at age three. He’s never known his father. Because of some complicated family dynamics and his mom’s immigration status, Armando didn’t see her for eight years—his entire adolescence. Despite these hardships, Armando is really motivated by helping others. He wants to be seen as a hero someday. When we met, he was planning a career in firefighting and wanted to become the first in his family to graduate from college. He reflected, “I feel like I belong now—how do I say this—in this world. I feel like now I have a purpose.”

And I was inspired by Armando’s deep faith. He described God to me as “someone you love, who you have faith in, regardless if you can see him or not. God is that person who will always be there for you. God is our friend, our father—our best friend actually. Once you start talking to him you feel his presence and know he’s there, you know he’s listening to you. God is that person you can’t live without.”

Given all Armando has lived through, his is a remarkably mature picture of God.

As you spend time with the teenagers in your life, keep paying attention. Keep listening. Become a student of the young people around you. They have so much to teach all of us about how they’re wrestling with the 3 big questions.

The questions will certainly change them—but the journey will also change you.

Big Question

Focus

Description

Current Answers

Christ-Centered Answer

Who am I?

Identity

Our view of ourselves

I am . . .

I’m ENOUGH because of Jesus.

Where do I fit?

Belonging

Our connection with others

I belong WITH God’s people.

What difference can I make?

Purpose

Our contribution to the world

I make a difference . . .

I’m invited into God’s greater STORY.

REFLECT and APPLY

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