8. The Big Question of Purpose
8
The Big Question of Purpose
My main purpose is to be nice to other people. That makes people like me more. It makes everything easier for me, because everybody loves a nice guy.
Leo
Rebekah decided, “I want to be known as someone who cares. Even when it is really, really, really difficult, I want to be viewed as somebody who loves well.”
Until the faculty at Rebekah’s private Christian school asked her senior class to think about their legacy, she hadn’t thought about it much. But thanks to Rebekah’s confident personality and leadership skills, she had been weaving a web of caring relationships for years.
As a member of her youth group’s leadership team, Rebekah has stepped forward to be an example at church and school. Last month that meant the bold leap of sharing her testimony with a few hundred students at Wednesday night youth group. When asked how that felt, Rebekah replied with characteristic zeal: “It was fun! It was good. I was freaking out!”
After high school graduation, Rebekah wants to be a youth ministry summer intern so she can learn the ins and outs of church leadership. Since Rebekah’s birth, her mom and dad have insisted on bringing her and her younger brother to church. Now that Rebekah can drive herself, her parents sometimes don’t make it to Sunday worship. But Rebekah’s there—multiple times every week.
Part of what magnetically draws Rebekah to church even when her parents skip is her small group. Since sixth grade, she’s been devoted to the weekly group, composed mostly of girls who also attend her school. In addition to being together in small group, the girls stay in touch by text, “reminding ourselves every day that we cannot do it on our own.”
The girls’ commitment to one another peaked in the fall of eleventh grade when the mom of one of Rebekah’s closest friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Rebekah tried to support Allison and her family however she could, spending lots of afternoons and evenings at Allison’s house.
Allison’s mom passed away in February, raising new faith questions for Rebekah. According to Rebekah, “It was the first time that someone I cared about went through something that didn’t turn out okay in the end.” She recounted how those “long months really challenged my relationship with the Lord.”
It wasn’t until summer camp that Rebekah could admit to her youth pastor that she was furious at God for letting Allison’s mom die. A year later, Rebekah still doesn’t understand why God didn’t heal her. But she’s now realizing that “God wasn’t punishing me, Allison, or her family. I’ve learned a lot about grace and trusting that God is still good even when things suck.”
Senior year highlights that Allison and Rebekah share—without Allison’s mom—are bittersweet. Allison was selected by the student body to be homecoming queen. In the midst of that thrill, she confided in Rebekah, “I really wish my mom was here.”
Rebekah is close to her own mom. “When my mom hears what I’m going through, she says, ‘I get it, I hear how you feel, that makes sense.’” Inspired by her mom’s empathy and her small group leader’s career as a therapist, Rebekah wants to be a counselor. In large part thanks to her faith community, Rebekah’s pretty good at connecting the dots between who she is, what she’s invested in, and the impact she wants to have on others.
Defining Purpose: What Difference Can I Make?
Our purpose is our contribution to the world. Like a compass pointing north, purpose provides Rebekah and each of us—at any age—life direction. Despite the value of this orientation, it’s estimated that four out of ten Americans have not yet discovered a satisfying life purpose.
Our understanding of our purpose evolves over our lifetime, with adolescence and young adulthood often being seasons of escalating clarity. Sometimes that clarity comes from resolving the tension of seeing unlimited roads to the future while simultaneously feeling pressured to follow specific lanes prescribed to help one “get into a good college” or “find the right job.” Other times increased certainty comes as young people finally figure out what they are good at, after years of knowing only what they aren’t.
a Kendall Cotton Bronk, Purpose in Life: A Critical Component of Optimal Youth Development (Dordrecht, Netherlands: Springer Science & Business Media, 2014), 118.
b Bronk, Purpose in Life, 72.
Regardless of age or the degree of clarity, purpose unites two (sometimes divergent) interests—what’s worthwhile to us as well as what’s consequential for the world around us. Put simply, purpose is meaningful both for us and beyond us.
Four Current Answers for Purpose: I Make a Difference . . .
The best research on purpose, as well as our national interviews with churched teenagers, highlights four dominant answers to the big question “What difference can I make?”
I Make a Difference When I’m Helping Others
I make a difference when I’m caring for others, making them feel good and happy, being a hero—when someone is depending on me.
Across our discussions about identity, belonging, and purpose, youth group students felt a universal impulse to help others. Every single teenager we met with talked about “helping” at least once during our three interviews with them. In fact, they talked about service and helping others more than any other path to purpose.
I want to make a difference in people’s lives, not necessarily like a big world-changing type of thing, but so that people will think, “Oh, wow, that was kind, or that was cool for her to do.” —Sue
In his Boy Scout troop, church, and family, Steve desired to “help as many people in as many ways as I can. . . . Whether it is talking to someone who needs to get something off their chest or helping someone move stuff out of their house, I find purpose any time and any place I can help someone else.”
Arthur described those moments when he feels he’s doing what he is meant to do: “It’s when I’m teaching people. I never feel stressed when somebody at school comes to me for help learning music or math they can’t grasp on their own.”
Helping through Social Activism
Having encountered the failing prospects of the so-called “American Dream,” Stanford anthropologist Roberta Katz concluded that today’s young people “know they are confronting a future of big challenges—not just whether they can find jobs or own homes, but how they will handle climate change, artificial intelligence, genetic engineering, 3-D-printed guns, and pandemic illnesses—and, depending on the person, are afraid, resigned, or energized.” (Katz didn’t realize how prophetic she was in warning about “pandemic illnesses” just months prior to a worldwide outbreak’s arrival in the US.)
Afraid. Resigned. Energized. We saw all three responses, but much more of the latter.
Race-focused activism sparked energy among these students. One high school senior we interviewed was planning to develop workshops for his diverse youth group on racial reconciliation. We mentioned in chapter 2 that Janelle serves as a leader in her school’s Black Student Union. In that role, she spearheaded a campaign on African American mental health struggles.
Caring for our planet was also on teenagers’ minds in our interviews. When asked what she and other teenagers are worried about, Lilly responded, “I think climate change is a big one. It’s kind of ironic because here I am drinking out of a plastic cup even as I say that. But it’s important to reduce waste or recycle properly and be more mindful of our planet’s natural resources.”
Daniel is a junior who answered that question even more personally. Having experienced homelessness for a year when his dad was ill and unable to work, Daniel is mindful of the kids who are homeless in his neighborhood. He rattled off the effects of homelessness—ranging from pollution to crime—that he had seen and encountered himself. Now that Daniel’s family can afford an apartment, he’s raising money to help those who are homeless, picking up trash to keep the streets cleaner, and advocating with city officials for more homeless shelters.
The Positive and Negative Effects of Helping Others
Young people who channel their resources and skills to benefit others tend to have higher rates of happiness and well-being. Time and time again, students like Rebekah, Lilly, and Daniel described feeling better when they help others. Natalie lit up when describing how creating care packages for the homeless in her community makes her feel: “It really shows me that I am a loving person, no matter what anyone says about me. Down in my core, down in my heart, I am a kind person.”
For Claudia, college application essay questions have crystallized her desire to boldly pursue a future career in journalism. She looks ahead to knowing “I am fulfilling my purpose when I wake up every day and am happy to go to my job because I know what I’m doing helps other people.”
While most teenagers who described helping others gave similarly glowing reports, our guess is that about one-third of those same young people were potentially serving so much that their own health suffered. When asked to describe her favorite video personality or character on a show, Sofia described relating to Clay from the controversial Netflix series 13 Reasons Why: “He is always trying to help others, and he doesn’t really pay attention to himself. I identify with him because I am always doing stuff for other people and don’t really take care of myself.”
After praying for someone, you get a good feeling because you just blessed them through the name of God. I feel best about myself when I am lifting people up and encouraging them. —Samuel
Lilly was even more specific in chronicling the cost of serving others: “My physical, mental, and emotional health sometimes suffer when I try to make others happy. As their happiness increases, mine sometimes deteriorates. But it’s like, I still want to keep helping, so I do.”
In his role as a part-time church intern, Sebastian tries to be on top of details so other leaders don’t feel anxious. “I have to make sure that the pastor is fine and that she doesn’t have to worry about anything. My goal is to allow everyone else to rely on me, so she doesn’t have to worry about anything on stage.”
In his focus on helping other leaders and congregants, Sebastian is often at church on Sundays from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. but gets little time with his church friends. “I sort of stay in the sound booth in the back, so I don’t really interact with people at church. Sometimes friends will stop by in the back and say, ‘Hey, how are you?’ But I can’t really answer because I’m focused on doing the tech stuff and keeping things running.”
Experiencing Purpose Personally
After pastoring in two large church plants in youth, college, and family ministries, Jane Hong-Guzmán de León now influences youth leaders across the country as an FYI team member. Given her background and diverse life experiences, Jane offers insights into the intersection between ethnicity and purpose as well as how adults can help young people unwrap their God-given gifts for our world.
KARA: Jane, how did you define your sense of purpose when you were a teenager?
JANE: I have felt God’s presence strongly in my life since I was saved in junior high, and wanting to help people has always been part of my journey. As a teenager, a friend shared with me how she had been cutting herself because of her emotional pain. I wanted to help but I didn’t know how. My church offered a great youth program, but the answers they gave didn’t always match the questions we were asking. That was hard for me because I wanted my life to have meaning and I found a deep sense of purpose in helping others. So I ended up asking God deeper questions about pain and difficulties and looking for ways we could equip ourselves to partner with God toward healing and transformation.
KARA: You were part of a Korean American church as a young person. How did that church affect your sense of purpose?
JANE: My sense of purpose was initially very much shaped by my church’s communal way of looking at life. Culturally, we gather and do life together as if we’re family. Meals, needs, hardships, and celebrations—we share everything and sacrifice for one another within the church. When we think of doing things for God, we do it together as a church.
I’ve also experienced the power of prayer and having grit in your faith because I saw how first-generation immigrants like my parents kept pushing forward. In Korean churches, we understand that suffering is part of our faith journey, and we find strength together in God’s greater purpose for our lives.
But one challenge in figuring out purpose in such a communal setting is that I lacked opportunities to figure out the unique ways God could use me outside of doing church together. So it took more time and intentionality to discover my sense of purpose as an individual.
KARA: What have you learned about purpose by interviewing teenagers?
JANE: I am reminded that youth need to be invited to experience God and tangibly be part of the body. Teenagers can’t learn to have a vibrant faith by just listening to adults and talking about it. They have to experience it. They need to pray for others and experience doing ministry themselves. Adults have lived longer and can sometimes see the potential and possibilities young people can’t yet see. Teenagers need adults who take the time to get to know them, asking, “You know those passions that you have? I bet God put those in your heart for a reason. What would it look like to develop them further?”
I Make a Difference When I Follow the Script
I make a difference when I’ve been given clear roles and lines and I follow them, when I know the right things to do (mostly things my family or church says), when I do what I’m supposed to do.
While not as frequent as “helping others,” a second answer teenagers gave to the big question of purpose was following the roles and lines handed them by others. Given all the possible routes ahead of them, our interviewees seemed fine, and often almost eager, to be assigned a lane by the explicit or implicit “rules” of their friends, family, or faith community. Despite interviewees’ desire to express some individuality, in a world of endless options, they appreciated ready-made highways.
While academic pressures cut across ethnicity and backgrounds, students from families that more recently immigrated often feel heightened pressure because of sacrifices made to move to the US. Claudia is grateful to her mom for leaving academic possibilities behind in Mexico and knows it’s extra important that she now seizes educational opportunities of her own. “My mom says that even though her academic career wasn’t fulfilled, at least her children are going to have a better future and education.”
In some homes, the family script also mandates taking care of younger siblings. Sofia rushes home from school on weekdays so she can care for her little sister and help with housework. Sofia recalled, “As soon as my little sister was born, my mom went back to work. It was hard enough to watch my sister as a baby. It got even harder when she was two years old and started putting everything in her mouth. I really had to watch her then.”
Predictably, given that every teenager we interviewed was nominated by a youth pastor or church leader, these rules include assumptions about faith and faith community. Multiple students described their faith transitioning from an external script imposed by others to an internal script they were drafting themselves. Having grown up on a steady diet of church, Rebekah and her friends often get “bored” with the gospel when it’s “all you’ve been fed all the time since childhood.” After Rebekah worked through the death of her friend’s mom, her faith became more personal to her. “I realized I had to choose for myself about my relationship with the Lord. I could not just keep going through the motions with a faith that was not my own. I literally couldn’t keep doing it anymore.”
Teenagers’ efforts to discover God’s plan for their future seem to generate both peace and pressure. Lilly nervously admitted, “I have a career in mind that I want to do, but I don’t know if that’s what God wants for me. What if I pursue it and it ends up not being God’s best for me? I will have spent four years studying something only to scrap it and start all over. I keep changing my mind about what I want to be. I’m wondering how many times it will change before I finally land on what God wants me to do.”
Much of Lilly’s anxiety about missing God’s plan for her life stems from the well-intentioned but stress-laden teachings of her former middle school pastor. “He really emphasized knowing God’s vision for us. Ever since then, I’ve been tripped up about different paths I’m interested in, wondering which is God’s vision for me. I have always been told that our purpose as humans is to advance God’s kingdom, and I want to do that. But I’m stressed because I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that.”
The pressure to have a clear sense of their future, whether connected or not with God’s plan for them, was mentioned by one-third of the students we interviewed and by most seniors. Michael from the upper Midwest “feels like a failure” because “this time of year everyone talks about what they are going to do. And it feels like everyone else knows exactly what they’re going to do. Not knowing makes you feel out of it and different.”
I Make a Difference When I Get to Make Choices about My Life
I make a difference when I feel like I have agency and power to choose at least some of what happens in my life.
While the young people we interviewed were surprisingly unresentful about the scripts handed to them, their third path to purpose came from sensing they could choose (at least some of) what happens in their lives. They wanted, and appreciated, having a sense of agency—the opportunity to develop their own interests, goals, and values.
Seemingly less driven by tangible rewards or public recognition, today’s students want to make their own decisions. And they hope those decisions will shape our world.
The year Daniel’s family struggled with housing, they were never on the streets. Thanks to his mom’s creative planning, Daniel and his family lived out of suitcases and slept in friends’ family rooms, thereby avoiding the plight of so many in similar circumstances. That proactivity instilled in Daniel a survival instinct that translates into a commitment to plan for his own future. He fervently explained, “I try not to hang around people who are lazy or not doing their work. They don’t see a future for themselves. I’ve always had a dream for my future. I want to be a scientist who discovers something and helps change the world. Like maybe invent the next Google or something. I want to do something fun, but also something that matters.”
I understand that as a Black man, things will happen to me because of my skin color. But just because I’m Black, it should not mean that I should let my skin color affect the things that I do and the things I want to do. An example of how it should not affect me is if I want a job, and there is a White person and me trying to get it. I don’t believe that I should allow their skin color to affect my mindset that I may not get that job just because I’m Black. I still feel like I should go in there with an intent to get the job no matter what. —Jason
Unlike Daniel, who is single-minded in his pursuit of one career, many students we met were more like Claudia, who wants the freedom to change her plans—multiple times. She humorously detailed how she initially wanted to be a vet: “But then I saw a documentary about a lady who died because this cat with a virus in its claw scratched her. I was like, ‘No, I am not trying to die.’ So then I was interested in being a lawyer, but the law changes every week. So no, that’s not it. Then I realized I like to read and write and talk about what’s going on in the world, so I thought I could pursue creative writing and journalism. That way I can motivate people to take action, like with the burning of the Amazon rainforest. So now that’s what I want to do.”
The young people we interviewed took pride not just in choosing their own worthwhile work but also in the tangible signs of trust and respect bestowed on them by adults. Sebastian is proud of the responsibilities his church assigns him. “My church gives me tasks that they wouldn’t give to most seventeen-year-olds. I have the security code for our building. I have the key. I am in charge of offering on the weekends. That is pretty big. When people at my church entrust me to do things at such a great level, I feel like I belong. And like my life has meaning.”
I Make a Difference When I’m Headed toward a Good Future
I make a difference when I’m building a good future for me and others I care about, when I’m achieving, excelling, and moving toward what I define as “the good life,” when I’m being my best self.
The future of our world is bleak, but my future is bright. That’s the essence of the “optimism gap” documented by student researcher Sophia Pink after driving across the US interviewing twenty-one-year-olds. They used words such as “scary,” “destruction,” and “dumpster fire” to describe what’s forthcoming for America. But when the same young people imagine their own futures, responses ranged from “hopeful” to “determined” and “loving.” In FYI’s analysis of 2,092 young people, we also saw a bias toward describing their own lives and futures positively.
The self-optimism of these twenty-one-year-olds aligns with the fourth current answer that emerged from our interview questions about purpose. While the exact target was murky and varied with each teenager, the majority of our youth group kids were aiming toward their conception of “the good life.”
a American Psychological Association, “Stress in America: Generation Z,” October 2018, 3, https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2018/stress-gen-z.pdf.
For many of the students we interviewed, that target includes three circles: faith, financial success, and fulfillment. In talking about the future he’s working toward, Michael said he wants to be like his dad and “find a job that I can succeed at. And that I like doing so I don’t mind going to work. I’m willing to work hard but I want to find a job I enjoy. I want my employees to talk about what a good guy I am. When something goes wrong, I want to show that I’m different because of my faith.”
Natalie feels drawn to an acting career but will likely choose a different profession that provides the financial stability she desires. This ninth grader finds the field of healthcare appealing because she can “make the world a better place and still be financially stable. If you’re more financially stable, I feel like you are more likely to make the world a better place. That’s just kind of how our country works.”
While most students viewed their best future as a brew of financial prosperity and personal fulfillment, a handful distilled theirs to personal relationships. As a senior about to graduate, Arthur treasures close relationships above all else: “You cannot have everything. I want to be satisfied with what I have and able to appreciate those who love and surround me. Most people define happiness as having everything you want, but sometimes that still feels empty. For me, being able to love everybody in my life is the best happiness.”
a Almeda M. Wright, The Spiritual Lives of Young African Americans (New York: Oxford University Press, 2017), 198.
Even more succinctly, Lilly defined her “happy life” in one sentence: “Being content with God and what God has given me, and learning to be faithful rather than complain.”
Whatever their picture of a “good future,” churched kids are working hard to make that image their reality. Often too hard. Sebastian spends so many hours volunteering at church that others tell him, “You should enjoy yourself and go hang out with your friends.” Sebastian admitted, “They’re right that I’m probably too focused on achieving my future goals to become a youth pastor. I’m trying to remember to enjoy the time I have now instead of always striving and pushing myself harder.”
Big Question
Focus
Description
Current Answers
Christ-Centered Answer
Who am I?
Identity
Our view of ourselves
I’m ENOUGH because of Jesus.
Where do I fit?
Belonging
Our connection with others
I fit . . .
I belong WITH God’s people.
What difference can I make?
Purpose
Our contribution to the world
Clear but Still Lacking
Of the 3 big questions that change teenagers, our interviewees had more coherent descriptions of their purpose than their identity or belonging. Our hunch is that since students are handed specific scripts from family, friends, teachers, mentors, and pastors about their expected gift to the world, they find it easier to repeat back those lines.
While our interviewees certainly had clear intentions to shape our world, their plans still often felt a little bit flat.
Two-dimensional.
As we’ll explore in the next chapter, they often lacked the vividness that comes from Christ’s full-color vision of being changed by grace to change our world.
REFLECT and APPLY
____ “I make a difference when I’m helping others.”
____ “I make a difference when I follow the script.”
____ “I make a difference when I get to make choices about my life.”
____ “I make a difference when I’m headed toward a good future.”
____ “I make a difference when I’m helping others.”
____ “I make a difference when I follow the script.”
____ “I make a difference when I get to make choices about my life.”
____ “I make a difference when I’m headed toward a good future.”