4. The Big Question of Identity

4. The Big Question of Identity

4

The Big Question of Identity

I think a lot about what other people think of me . . . whether or not somebody likes me. Whether they thought what I said was weird or stuff like that. I envy the people who are like, “I don’t really care.” I wish that was me, but it’s not.

Sue

Of any play or musical I (Kara) have ever seen, Dear Evan Hansen drew the youngest crowd.

In front of the five Powells sat two families with kids ranging from middle school to college. Behind us sat a half row of talkative twentysomethings. As I swiveled to survey the rest of the audience, I saw few over sixty.

The show, known for its authentic exploration of teen anxiety, opens with a spotlight shining on seventeen-year-old Evan Hansen, sitting on his bed, staring at a letter to himself.

Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be an amazing day, and here’s why.

Because today, all you have to do is just be yourself.

(Beat.)

But also confident. That’s important. And interesting. Easy to talk to. Approachable. But mostly be yourself. That’s the big, that’s number one. Be yourself. Be true to yourself.

In ten short sentences, Evan gives himself the advice to “be yourself” four times. One of those times he adds a small but critical word: just.

As leaders, mentors, and parents, we add “just” to our advice when what we’re asking for seems relatively simple and straightforward. At least to us.

“Just make sure to register for camp before the deadline.”

“Just get the information from the website.”

“Just take ten minutes and clean up your room.”

And of course, “Just be yourself.”

Those of us over twenty-five likely find it easier to just be ourselves. In general, we’d rather play the personality cards in our hand than grab new cards from the deck and act like someone we’re not. But teenagers are still figuring out which identity cards to keep and which to discard. The admonition to “(just) be yourself” raises the stakes, leaving them wondering if they’ll eventually have to fold.

Lilly, an Asian American twelfth grader we interviewed, feels the tension between the cards that define her at school and those that define her at church. She describes herself at school as more “laid back,” while at church, she’s more “conservative.”

Since friends from both school and church follow her on social media, Lilly confessed during our interviews, “I don’t know how to combine these two personalities into one social media account. I don’t know what or when to post.” It’s almost like she’s playing two entirely different hands at the same time—with two different groups.

As a result, she hardly ever posts anything about herself. She can’t navigate both audiences simultaneously, so it’s easier not to try.

While many of her friends’ Instagram bios describe themselves, Lilly opted to put nothing on her own. Simply her name.

For Lilly, no description is better than one that pigeonholes her. Or worse still, one that might repel a friend group, a fate Lilly tries to avoid at all costs.

Defining Identity: Who Am I?

Our identity is our view of ourselves. All too often teenagers like Lilly find that being “themselves” feels inches—or sometimes miles—beyond their reach. In part, this is because being yourself is too low of a bar. They seek a loftier goal; they want to be their “best selves.”

In addition, often a teenager’s self (best or otherwise) is actually a mixture of several selves. While being “yourself” implies a singular self, the average teenager is constantly shuffling through multiple identities—trying to figure out which of their “selves” to play at that moment. Who they are in the neighborhood or at home is different from who they are at school or at their after-school job.

All those are different from who they are at church.

Furthermore, “being yourself” is tricky because young people are rarely the sole source of their identities. The identity of Lilly and every teenager you know is partly formed by the collective influence of family members, friends, and other adult authority figures.

Four Current Answers for Identity: I Am . . .

In essence, a teenager’s identity is the word or phrase they use to finish this sentence: “I am ________________________.”

Given what we heard from Lilly and others, as well as our review of both academic studies and popular sources, we think US teenagers tend to finish that sentence with one of four phrases.

I Am What Others Expect

I am what others want or need me to be. I constantly feel pressure to live up to the expectations of family, teachers, friends, church, and society.

Whether we’re thirteen, forty-three, or seventy-three years old, it’s inevitable that our view of ourselves is shaped by others. According to our friend and practical theologian Andy Root, “No identity is discovered in a vacuum; we cannot truly find ourselves without finding ourselves with someone.”

But for teenage identity development, others’ influence is on steroids. In fact, this first answer was the most common source of identity in the students we interviewed.

Imagine every teenager’s day is like a play performed before a packed audience. On the far right of the theater sits their nuclear family, surrounded by extended family members. The center of the audience is full of friends from school, work, sports, their neighborhood, and other extracurricular activities.

Just to the left of these diverse friends are members of their church. Next to church members sit several rows of teachers, coaches, and mentors.

In the front row are those they follow on social media, with other cultural messengers about success, beauty, and achievement perched in the balcony.

The teenager’s task: to try to please every audience member. At every moment. It’s exhausting to switch from being the family jokester at home to the obedient academic at school to the faith-filled youth group superstar at church.

The majority of teenagers try their best to please one audience at a time. When they are at school, they use the lines and choreography that appease their school friends and teachers. At home, church, and in their neighborhood, they swap scripts.

Sometimes a young person is aware of and can articulate the various crowds they try to please. Rebekah, a White twelfth grader from the South, chronicled her earlier teenage years when “I just really, really, really cared about what other people thought about me. And I really wanted to have the right friends and do the right things.”

Rebekah pointed her finger at a handful of imaginary people: “I was whatever I wanted to be for you, and for you, and for you. I didn’t have any stability. I kept looking for satisfaction, but none of it was working.”

I was singing with and teaching the little kids at church. During one of our worship services, the pastor called out my name and said I was now also vice president of the youth group. I didn’t feel like I had any choice but to agree. —Sofia

My AP teachers have seen how I work and expect that I do well on exams. I think they grade me a little bit harder, and I guess that pressures me because sometimes I get lower grades than other people. That kind of stresses me out. —Arthur

In our interviews, immigrants and teenagers from diverse ethnic environments often felt amplified pressure to please multiple audiences. Claudia, a Latina getting ready to graduate from high school on the West Coast, used the word “breakdown” to describe an experience from her junior year to Kat Armas, her interviewer. Switching back and forth between the two prominent ethnicities within her clusters of friends became overwhelmingly stressful. She shared with Kat a memory of tearfully telling a teacher, “It is really tiring going between my Latino and Korean friends at school. It’s just so exhausting.”

Similarly, faith-centered teenagers feel the stress of pleasing voices both inside and outside their church. Part of why Lilly refused to define herself in her social media biography is because of the social and political stances assumed about Christians. Lilly’s school friends presume that since she’s “religious,” she’s “obviously going to be conservative or Republican.” But Lilly describes herself as “politically pro-choice but personally pro-life,” a position that is an internal strain for Lilly but “plays well with my non-Christian friends.” This tension leaves Lilly in an internal and external tug-of-war, with different friend groups pulling to shape her self-definition after their own.

I Am Not _________________________ Enough

I fill in the blank with whatever I feel most judged about by others or myself: funny, smart, athletic, thin, pretty, accomplished, Black/Latino/Asian, and so on.

Feeling inadequate or “not enough” was mentioned overtly by about three-fourths of the high school students we interviewed. When it wasn’t mentioned explicitly, it was a frequent identity subtext. They don’t feel:

Lilly plummets emotionally when she makes a mistake. Mistakes “bum me out for like the whole day. I know it is human to make mistakes. But it just makes me feel really bad.”

Natalie, a ninth grader on the East Coast, doesn’t feel thin enough—unless she’s wearing the right pair of jeans. When asked when she feels best about herself, Natalie confided, “This is going to sound silly, but I have a favorite pair of jeans that flatter me the most. Every single time I wear them, people are like, ‘Wow, did you get skinnier?’ I’m like, ‘No, it’s just the jeans.’ I can walk around confidently in those jeans.”

When it comes to not feeling “enough,” immigrant and young people of color often experience an additional layer of complexity. Simone remembers painful elementary school moments when she was made fun of by other Black students for being too dark skinned, a prejudice frequently referred to as “colorism.”

Daniel, a biracial Asian and African American eleventh grader, feels the sting of ethnic-identity stereotypes on the basketball court. He doesn’t use the same slang as some of the other Black players, so he feels “separated” and “not included” by his teammates. They say he’s not “Black enough” in his way of speaking.

Colorism is a by-product of generations of racialized hierarchy. It’s an experience of being judged by skin tone and happens across racial groups as well as within them.a In one study of African American adolescents, 92 percent reported they liked their skin color. However, around one-third of those same respondents would prefer lighter skin if given the choice.b

a Colorism is a form of cultural racism, which “refers to representations, messages and stories conveying the idea that behaviors and values associated with white people or ‘whiteness’ are automatically ‘better’ or more ‘normal’ than those associated with other racially defined groups. . . . Cultural racism is also a powerful force in maintaining systems of internalized supremacy and internalized racism. It does that by influencing collective beliefs about what constitutes appropriate behavior, what is seen as beautiful, and the value placed on various forms of expression.” Sally Leiderman, Maggie Potapchuk, and Shakti Butler, “Cultural Racism,” Racial Equity Tools, accessed July 16, 2020, https://www.racialequitytools.org/glossary. For a helpful resource for teachers and other adults working with teenagers, see David Knight, “What’s Colorism?,” Teaching Tolerance 51 (Fall 2015), https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/fall-2015/whats-colorism.

b Tracy L. Robinson and Janie V. Ward, “African American Adolescents and Skin Color,” Journal of Black Psychology 21, no. 3 (1995): 264, as cited in Elizabeth A. Adams, Beth E. Kurtz-Costes, and Adam J. Hoffman, “Skin Tone Bias among African Americans: Antecedents and Consequences across the Life Span,” Developmental Review 40 (June 2016): 93–116, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dr.2016.03.002.

Student by student, the specific adjective differs but the feeling of not measuring up is nearly universal.

I Am My Image

I curate the identity I want the world to see through social media and beyond. I’m working on the brand—or style—I want to project. Sometimes it’s more like a mask I wear.

Whether it’s the difference between Nike and Under Armour, or Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi, a brand is what makes one product, or one person, different from another. It’s what sets you apart. It’s what makes you, you.

And it’s important to teenagers.

Especially in this era of heavy social media use, many teenagers think about—and feel pressure to work on—their brand. The only extracurricular hobby shared by all students we interviewed was social media. Not everyone we interviewed did their homework every day, but everyone was daily viewing, sharing, and liking.

While teenagers certainly have cared about image in the past, our social media age affords young people unique access to the technology that allows them to in essence advertise themselves. Consequently, marketing expert Sarah Weise concludes that today’s young people are “intuitively segmenting and curating personal brands.”

Teenagers believe that with the right brand identity, anyone (including them) can become “internet famous.”

And every moment is a broadcast opportunity. Even when it maybe shouldn’t be.

That’s how many of these teenagers have been treated by their parents since they were born. Kids’ parents and guardians were on social media posting their quips and mistakes, awards and injuries, all before they could choose the moment or edit the look. No wonder they feel the desire to self-curate today.

Natalie didn’t want to tell our interviewer how much she was on Instagram daily. While she wouldn’t give him a specific number of hours, she admitted it surpassed five hours per day and that she spent more time each day on social media than sleeping.

When asked which parts of her identity she divulges and which she hides, Natalie was quick to say that she shows her “funny side.” She described, “If you look at my story or the captions on my post, it’s always a joke. I’m always laughing about something.”

Natalie was one of a host of students we interviewed who characterized themselves—and wanted others to think of them—as “fun” or “funny.” Other common self-descriptors used were “nice” and “chill.” What we heard in our interviews was echoed in a linguistic analysis of 2,092 youth group students. Over three-quarters of students responded to some version of the question “Who am I?” using words associated with positive emotion—words like “funny,” “nice,” “kind,” and “friendly.” Don’t be surprised if students’ initial self-descriptions are as common and lighthearted as these. Just keep listening for what’s beyond the veil of image management.

In her effort to appear fun and funny, Natalie never admits on social media when she’s miserable. At most, she will post something like, “Man, I wish I had a coffee right now” with a “little sad face emoji,” but she doesn’t share any more than that.

Unless she can make a joke out of her gloom. She remembered recently when “someone knocked into me and I fell. After that, I definitely posted, ‘Y’all, I literally just fell in front of everyone.’”

That calamity fit Natalie’s fun and funny brand, so it made the cut.

I Am More Than My Label

I am more than what others say about me, including my mental health or learning-style diagnoses, stereotypes about my race or ethnicity, my test scores, or my past trauma.

Millennials have certainly received (more than!) their share of negative labels. Born between 1980 and 2000, the millennial generation has been tagged “lazy,” “entitled,” and “narcissistic.”

The generation of teenagers currently in front of us is postmillennial, and they are often known as either iGen or Gen Z. The descriptors we shared in chapter 1 of anxious, adaptive, and diverse thus far seem more favorable than those for millennials (at least two out of the three).

Yet even if a label is positive, it’s still a generalization. Today’s teenagers want to be known for more than their label. Especially when—as is the case with broad descriptions about their generation—the label is imposed on them. Gen Z expert Joi Freeman describes this way of interacting with identity using the metaphor of a bouquet. “Whereas recent generations may have seen identity options like various colors of roses in one bouquet, Gen Z tends to look at identity like an assortment of many types of flowers bundled together—a collection of experiences. I can be a banker and an artist. It doesn’t have to look congruent. Identity isn’t just one thing—all of these pieces make up who I am.”

Simone felt like, while her identity was in flux, what was most important was that she be the one to define herself. She asserted confidently, “I truly despise going with trends. I like people being themselves. If I’m around a group of people who I feel are the same person or are copying each other, I go out of my way not to copy them. If they’re all wearing black, I’ll wear red, yellow, pink, blue. I like to be my own person.”

Researchers call this sense of self-determination “agency,” meaning the freedom (and often privilege) to direct your actions toward a specific purpose. When it comes to defining who they are, some students feel they have as much agency as Simone. Unfortunately, many lack that sense of agency and end up subject to others’ whims and preferences.

We recognize that questions about LGBTQ identity are both prominent and controversial within many churches and traditions. Our purpose in placing the spotlight on LGBTQ teenagers is not to take a theological position about human sexuality but rather to urge you as a caring adult to listen and empathize. Young people who identify as LGBTQ face particular challenges and struggles as well as unique affirmation and validation.

Mental health concerns are paramount for LGBTQ teenagers, often related to the stereotyping, discrimination, and bullying they experience as a result of living with this label. They seriously contemplate suicide at almost three times the rate of non-LGBTQ teens and are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide. What’s more, LGBTQ-identifying young people who experience family rejection are over eight times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGBTQ peers who report no or low levels of family rejection.a Regardless of your convictions, we hope you invite any LGBTQ-identifying young people in your life to share more about their journey and what they most need from caring adults.

a The statistics were compiled from various sources by the Trevor Project, a crisis intervention and suicide prevention resource for LGBTQ teenagers and those who support them. See https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/. If you know a young person who needs help, they can call the Trevor Project hotline at 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678-678.

Our experience with students who identify as LGBTQ aligns with research findings that queer youth find it distressing to conceal that part of their identity on social media. Yet their gay identity wasn’t their only defining feature. As one young person in a focus group clearly stated, “I’m part of the LGBT Alliance club at my school. And what I hear often from other teens is, ‘Yes, I’m LGBT, and even though it’s my identity, it doesn’t mean it’s the only thing or most important thing about me. I am also ____________________. But people tend to put you in a box and only think of you a certain way once they get a certain label about you.’”

Our interviewees also showed significant agency in pushing against ethnic and racial stereotypes. Kevin is a half-Black, half-Asian senior who describes his ethnic identity as “Blasian.” His Asian relatives expect him to get all As in school, offering a family motto that he “should get As . . . because Asian starts with A.”

While Kevin earns high grades at school, he rejects the prejudice that he should do so because he’s a particular ethnicity. He has chosen a less prestigious college because its major aligns with his sense of God’s call for his future. He knows his decision will distress his family and surprise some of his classmates, but he’s glad to push against others’ knee-jerk expectations due to his cultural background.

While Kevin sought to transcend identity assumptions based on his association with particular ethnic groups, others were determined to rise above identity labels tacked on to them as individuals. Often this was a student’s quest to be viewed as more than their diagnosis. In our study, young people diagnosed with a mental health or physical challenge or as someone who learns differently seemed fairly comfortable talking about their diagnosis. But they also wanted to be viewed as more than someone who struggles with a particular challenge or who receives extra attention in class. Their diagnosis was an important slice of who they are, but there was so much more to them.

Based on our interviews, we place students’ feelings of not being “White enough,” “Black enough,” or “Asian enough” in two current identity categories: “I am not __________ enough” and “I am more than my label.” We’ve found that external or internal expectations about cultural or ethnic identity can be doubly complex for teenagers.

I let people know I’m a Christian, and sometimes I get that look like it’s kind of surprising that I am because they know Christians are judgmental and all that stuff. But I’m very welcoming and happy, very open-minded and accepting of people. I feel like I have an obligation—not only for myself but for others—to show that being a Christian is not what they say, it is more of a community that loves one another no matter what; we are always there for you. —Gabriel

Janelle was fifteen minutes into her first interview when she volunteered information and then answered follow-up questions about the prescription medicine she takes for her generalized anxiety disorder. Later in the discussion, she freely explained how her ongoing journey with mental health had birthed her growing desire to study psychology and eventually become a therapist.

While Janelle talked openly about her mental health diagnosis, she also wanted to discuss the novels she devoured in her free time and her volunteer work in her church’s children’s ministry. Her anxiety was a label that fit, but she was more likely to define herself as a reader or as someone who loves serving elementary-aged children.

Since no agreed-upon definition exists for a “disability,” it’s difficult to accurately measure the prevalence of disabilities among teenagers. About one out of six children and teenagers has been diagnosed with a developmental disability of some kind, one in fifty-four specifically with Autism Spectrum Disorder.a

a “Data & Statistics on Autism Spectrum Disorder,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, June 16, 2020, https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/data.html.

Common Misunderstandings about Teenage Anxiety

The mental health struggles discussed in chapter 1 were pervasive not only for Janelle but also for many of the students we interviewed. Rebekah battles anxiety if she’s by herself for very long. “I get worried about what is happening at that moment. Or what’s going to happen next. Once anxiety takes over, I can’t focus on one thing at a time.”

In ninth grade, Natalie’s anxiety about school was so intense that she would feel ill and usually vomit daily around 2 a.m. or 7 a.m.

In chapter 5, we provide the tools you need to respond to young people suffering from stress and anxiety. But first we want to unpack what you and other mentors or parents might misunderstand about mental health.

Misunderstanding #1: Only Some Teenagers Have Anxiety

Not every teenager has psychologically diagnosable anxiety, but more do than you might guess. As a reminder from chapter 1, one-third of the US population is affected by an anxiety disorder during their lifetime.a One-half of adolescents are growing up below the poverty line or in low-income homes, which tends to increase the likelihood of mental health struggles.b

Almost every teenager feels stressed regularly. In our interviews, every single student felt anxious at times, and typically far more often than they wished.

Misunderstanding #2: Our Mental Health Issues Are Due to Technology

It is true that there was a definitive increase in mental health challenges in 2012, which is when the proportion of Americans owning smartphones surpassed 50 percent. And mental health concerns have continued to rise. The good news is that risk behaviors that generally involve two or more young people, such as sexual activity, substance use, and teen pregnancy, all dropped right around then. Risk behaviors experienced alone—often when you’re seeing online what everyone is doing without you—are escalating.c

But we at FYI, along with other mental health researchers, don’t think technology is the only culprit. Many of today’s parenting styles contribute to teen anxiety. Parents often put pressure on kids to perform. Or parents swoop in to rescue kids instead of letting them work through their own challenges and develop resilience.

Furthermore, teenagers’ busy schedules also increase stress and anxiety. Concerned about the effects of busyness on kids’ mental health, well-respected adolescent researcher Lisa Damour recommends that 25 percent of a young person’s schedule be unplanned and unscheduled to provide adequate margin.d That’s a far cry from the all-day-rushing-from-activity-to-activity pace of today’s teenagers who fear that any failure or missed opportunity equals a blown-up life.

The polar opposite of a busy schedule can also spark anxiety. In the first two months of the COVID-19 pandemic and the broad nationwide quarantine in spring 2020, mental health hotlines experienced a 40 percent jump in calls and texts—a majority from young people.e Suddenly isolated from their friends and forced to hole up at home in fear, teenagers were left feeling anxious and powerless.

Misunderstanding #3: Bringing Up Anxiety, Depression, or Suicidal Thoughts with a Teenager Makes It Worse

Young people are hearing about anxiety and suicide daily online and at school. Teachers may be trained and prepared to bring up related topics in class. In the state of California, recent legislation mandates middle schools and high schools include a suicide hotline number on the back of student ID cards.

Yet tragically, the same conversations aren’t happening in most churches. Only 4 percent of churchgoers who have had a close friend or family member die by suicide report that church members or leaders were aware of their loved one’s struggles.f

It’s time to break the silence in the typical church and home. In the next chapter, we give you the conversation prompts and connections to do so.

Misunderstanding #4: When a Young Person Feels Anxious, We Have to Problem Solve with Them Immediately

We need to empathize and listen immediately to a stressed or anxious young person. In some (often more serious) cases, such as when there are self-harm or suicidal thoughts present, we need to intervene at that very moment to establish safety.

But many times young people may not be ready for problem solving yet. Damour uses the image of a glitter globe to explain her best strategy for problem solving. If the glitter is still swirling, meaning the teenager is still wound up emotionally, they aren’t yet ready to brainstorm best solutions and next steps.

Damour’s advice? First let the glitter settle. Avoid jumping in too soon with all-hands-on-deck reassurances or suggestions. Instead, let the young person’s emotions calm down (at least a bit). Communicate your confidence that their panic will eventually subside, making problem solving more possible.g

If, upon the glitter settling, you realize that the young person’s challenges are beyond your capacity to handle, you likely need to recommend a trained therapist. (See chapter 5 for practical ideas on finding a qualified mental health professional in your area.)

a Borwin Bandelow and Sophie Michaelis, “Epidemiology of Anxiety Disorders,” Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience 17, no. 3 (September 2015): 327–35.

b Candice L. Odgers and Michael B. Robb, Tweens, Teens, Tech, and Mental Health (San Francisco: Common Sense Media, 2020), 19.

c Jean M. Twenge, “Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?,” Atlantic, September 2017, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/.

d Lisa Damour, Under Pressure (New York: Ballantine Books, 2019), 61.

e Andrea Petersen, “The Struggle to Cope with Depression Amid Coronavirus,” Wall Street Journal, April 12, 2020, https://adaa.org/sites/default/files/WSJ%20Article%20-%20Depression%20-%20Charles%20Nemeroff%20April%2012%202020.pdf.

f Bob Smietana, “1 in 3 Protestant Churchgoers Personally Affected by Suicide,” Christianity Today, September 29, 2017, https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2017/september/protestant-churches-pastors-views-on-suicide-aacc-liberty.html.

g Damour, Under Pressure, 38–40.

Big Question

Focus

Description

Current Answers

Who am I?

Identity

Our view of ourselves

Identity in Flux

It’s quite likely that Lilly refused to define herself in her social media biography not only because of the multiple audiences watching (and judging) her but also because she doesn’t yet know how to define herself.

Helen Jun, Lilly’s interviewer, asked her, “In thinking about your identity, when you ask yourself, ‘Who am I?’ what sorts of words or phrases come to mind?”

Pausing, Lilly responded, “Um [long pause] I have no idea.”

Trying to make Lilly comfortable with her uncertainty, Helen continued, “That is totally normal. Sometimes we don’t think about those questions much. What sort of things come to mind when you think about how you understand yourself?”

Lilly laughed and repeated the answer she had given moments earlier: “Um . . . I have no idea!”

Whether your nearest teenager is balancing multiple identities like Lilly or trying to establish themselves as more than any label or external expectations, we believe their ultimate identity comes from embracing God’s truths about them. As we’ll see in the next chapter, staying tethered to God’s descriptions of us is what frees us to truly just be ourselves.

REFLECT and APPLY

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