6. Thankfulness: the "No Complaints" Department
It would be nice if we only had to consider thankfulness in this chapter and we could just stress the need for expressing gratitude in our speech. Unfortunately, we must also look at gratitude's "evil twin" – unthankfulness – and its frequent manifestations in not appreciating what we have and complaining about what we do not have. But examining all of these human responses to what we have or don't have can help us better understand our Christian responsibilities in this important area of speech. Complaints, Complaints, Complaints It has been said that after having a good time, the next thing people like to do most is to complain. Despite the probable exaggeration of this saying, it is certainly true that complaining is a very common phenomenon that seems to be tied to the human condition. According to the Bible, the first complainer was Adam who, after he and Eve disobeyed God's command not to take from the forbidden tree, complained that "It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it" (Genesis 3:12 NLT) – which is clearly a complaint as much as it was an excuse.
Many biblical stories record people's complaints. Job, of course, although he did not sin at first (Job 1:22; 2:10), was eventually worn down by his terrible trials and began to complain to and against God (Job 7:11; 21:4; etc.). Moses complained to God (Exodus 5:22– 23), and Miriam and Aaron complained against Moses (Numbers 12:1–2) and were punished for it. David's psalms record numerous complaints to God (Psalm 13; etc.), as do many verses in the prophetic books.
But there is a clear difference in these stories between those who complained to God and those who complained about God or others. God does not deny us the right to complain to him – as David clearly showed us when he wrote "I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles" (Psalm 142:2 NLT). But complaining about God or others can be problematic. Even righteous Job had to eventually repent of this (Job 42:5–6).
In the New Testament, the Greek word that is translated "complainer" (mempsimoiros) means "one who complains about his fate" or "one who is discontented with his lot in life." It suggests a selfish focus on one's own desires above all else – as we see in what Jude says "These people are grumblers and complainers, living only to satisfy their desires" (Jude 1:16 NLT).
As a result, believers are told not to complain bitterly. Paul tells us, for example: "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and perverse generation, in which you shine as lights in the world (Philippians 2:14–15 BSB). If we read these verses carefully, we see the great importance Paul is placing on this.
Complaining speech not only erodes our witness to others, but also leads to a great many problems in our own lives. It can lead to arguing and fighting, as Paul says, because ultimately complaints come from unfulfilled desires, which result in feelings of envy and eventual conflict, just as James also tells us (James 4:1). So, complaining speech can signal deeper problems and is itself often a rejection of God's wisdom and control of our lives. As such it is vital that we avoid this kind of negative complaining in our speech.
Ingratitude: The Most Common Sin Even if we do not actively complain about things we do not have or about problems in our lives, we may be guilty of ingratitude by simply not expressing thanks when we should. It is sometimes said that ingratitude is both the least recognized yet the most common sin – and there may be a great deal of truth in that observation.
Ingratitude has certainly filled human history, and it is frequently decried throughout the word of God. In the Old Testament we find an excellent example in the story of the royal "cup-bearer" who was imprisoned with Joseph and who Joseph helped – but who immediately forgot his helper when he was freed and had opportunity to help Joseph in return (Genesis 40:23). Likewise in the book of Judges, we are told that the whole nation of Israel "failed to show any loyalty to the family of Jerub-Baal (that is, Gideon) in spite of all the good things he had done for them" (Judges 8:35).
In the New Testament, we have only to look at the well-known story of how Christ healed ten lepers and only one of the ten returned to thank him (Luke 17:11–19). We may read that story and think that Jesus was surprised by this lack of gratitude, but it is more likely that he was teaching a lesson by pointing out the fact that only one in ten individuals who were helped – even to this miraculous degree – expressed gratitude for what they received.
This situation is clear in the writings of the apostle Paul. Looking back in time, Paul wrote of humans: "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him …" (Romans 1:21, emphasis added). Looking forward in time, the apostle predicted it would only get worse. Writing to his co-worker Timothy, Paul stressed that a time would come when: "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful…" (2 Timothy 3:2, emphasis added).
We have only to look around us to see that we live in such an age as Paul described; but while we may not be able to change the world around us, we can individually come to better see the importance of gratitude and to more fully make it part of ourselves.
Turning Ingratitude Around How do we begin to turn around the natural human tendency to complain about what we don't have and to be unappreciative of what we have been given? There are several things we can and must do.
First we must get gratitude itself in perspective. Gratitude has been defined as "a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible" (Harvard Medical School Health Newsletter). While the Bible helps us to understand that
God gives all of us the capacity for such gratitude, modern psychology helps us to see that appreciation is nevertheless not innate – it is a learned behavior. Gratitude is something we must develop just as we must learn to walk, talk, swim, drive, or to do many other things. We learn thankfulness through the example of others, by instruction, and by focusing on what it means that we have received something. But some people do not learn gratitude early or well – and that is something we should be aware of. Most people think they are appreciative, but as we will see, what we say is the best indicator or whether this is true or not.
Next, we must begin to see that everything we have is a gift that has been given to us and that not everyone has. The apostle James wrote that "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father …" (James 1:17), and we should remind ourselves of this fact frequently. Seeing everything we have as a gift from God is vital in helping us not to feel unappreciative. We may not have many things that others have, but when we are continually aware of what we have been given, we begin to realize how much we have and we begin to develop a more thankful attitude.
But true gratitude is more than experiencing and expressing thankfulness only occasionally, when we are particularly aware of some blessing. We must learn to make appreciation an ongoing and constant way of thought by developing what we might call a "gratitude reflex" whenever we receive something or think about what we already have. This involves both motivation and practice on our part, but it is surprising how quickly a gratitude reflex can be formed or further developed if we try.
Finally, we must learn to connect feelings of appreciation with the expression of gratitude. It has been said that no one is truly thankful for what they do not give thanks for. But although they may see the things they have been given – both tangible and intangible – some people don't learn to verbalize thanks to others for what they do for them, or to the One who ultimately gives us everything. We need to do both, of course, and expressions of gratitude need to replace the expressions of complaint that are more naturally part of everyone's speech.
Living Thanks and Giving Thanks A thankful life will always be expressed in thank-filled speech, and the two cannot be separated. That means we become more aware of what other people do for us and give us – including intangible gifts such as time – as well as what they add to our lives by simply being themselves, and we make a point of thanking them. It means that we become increasingly appreciative and express thanks to God for the life and health we have, for every necessity, and for every added blessing.
The apostle Paul shows us that expressing thanks to God is just as important as asking him for our needs, and that we should: "not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6 ESV, emphasis added). Paul clearly saw the need to offer thanksgiving along with our requests – a principle he reinforced in saying that our attitude of prayer should be one of: "giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Ephesians 5:20 ESV).
Paul expands our understanding of the need to give thanks in his letter to the Colossian Christians by saying "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all … giving thanks …" (Colossians 3:17). We may feel appreciative and express thankfulness when we receive new blessings – especially if they are "major" ones – but gratitude at that level can miss much of what Paul was really talking about and what God intends in our lives.
Notice that Paul does not say "Give thanks when you receive something" but "give thanks whatever you do." In other words, he tells us that gratitude should be a part of every aspect of our lives – that we should make thankfulness a part of living, breathing, eating, talking: a part of whatever we do and who we are. If we begin to do this, we will find that we more deeply experience and express gratitude. Only then do we fully honor the One who has given us everything and who calls us to a life of living and giving thanks. As Psalms so eloquently puts it, God tells us: "The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me" (Psalms 50:23 ESV).