4. Humility: the Pride Destroyer
Love, the apostle Paul tells us, does not boast and is not proud (1 Corinthians 13:4), yet humility is not always apparent in what we say even when we attempt to love others as we should. The need for humility in our speech is a result of the fact that ungodly pride lives in all of us and will frequently surface in our speech if we are not watchful to guard against it. There are many ways in which we can exhibit pride through what we say, but some are more obvious than others.
Perhaps the most common cause of verbalized pride comes from self-focus. We all know people whose main topic of conversation is themselves, and we may all be guilty of this on occasion. Matthew 12:34 tells us that the mouth speaks what is in the heart. Certainly the mouth is one of the greatest "heart monitors" and an accurate indicator of where our focus is. We cannot concentrate on our own selves without that fact becoming evident in our speech. Speech without Humility The Bible shows this is especially true of boastful and self-elevating speech. When we read scriptures such as Jeremiah 9:23 "Don't let the wise boast in their wisdom, or the powerful boast in their power, or the rich boast in their riches" (NLT), we may not feel such boasting applies to us as we have no great claim to fame. But the truth is anyone is capable of boastful speech.
That is why the psalm records God's command "I say to the proud, 'Do not boast,'" (Psalm 75:4 BSB). All we need to be capable of boasting is even a small amount of pride – and we all have that. Boasting need not involve talking about our own successes and accomplishments. Sometimes it is present in the fact that we talk mainly about ourselves or our families and friends – essentially giving the events of our lives more importance than those of others.
Naturally, there is nothing wrong with discussing our own lives with others when that is appropriate and especially when we are sharing things that are of truly mutual interest or concern. But when our mental focus is inward, our speech invariably prioritizes ourselves in some way – and we fail to hear and interact with the needs, concerns, and interests of others.
In worst-case situations, if we talk mainly about ourselves and our interests, we can cut ourselves off from close and meaningful relationships with others and lessen our ability to help them and to be a light to them.
But a preponderance of personal pronouns is not the only way pride manifests itself in what we say! The traits of self-justification and defensiveness, for example, can make interpersonal misunderstandings and disagreements far worse than they need be and can severely hinder our ability to interact with others in a Christian manner. Even impatience in our interaction with others can be made worse if we are not reminding ourselves of the importance of humility. These problems – and many more – all manifest themselves in our speech and must be actively countered in our lives.
Humility: The Pride Destroyer We can only counter the problem of pride in our speech through the application of its opposite: humility. We cannot simply decide that we will "not be proud" (as is often said, proud individuals can learn humility, but they will be proud of it!) or that we will not let pride taint our speech. That is because our own human natures do not naturally lean toward humility and – just like the other qualities we discuss in this book – we must make a conscious effort to utilize humility in our speech and in our lives. To do this we must understand what humility really is.
True humility is not the display of personal meekness or selfdeprecation that many people think it is. In reality, humility is simply recognizing first that we are not the center of the universe – that God is – and second, that every person in the world is absolutely as important and potentially interesting as we are! If we develop it, this attitude produces a mental pivot from self-focus to an outward focus on others.
As C. S. Lewis is famously said to have written (though his exact words were a little different): "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." This is a simple but profound truth. The more we think about others, put ourselves in others' shoes, and look at a situation from their perspective, the less pride will enter our speech. Madeleine L'Engle put it this way: "Humility is throwing oneself away in complete concentration on something or someone else" for "One cannot be humble and aware of oneself at the same time." The apostle Paul explained this attitude when he wrote:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Philippians 2:3–4) This does not mean that we somehow negate ourselves as individuals or that we do not have our own interests in life. There is nothing wrong with a healthy self-concept that recognizes the good talents, traits, and opportunities that God has given us, but also sees them – and ourselves – in healthy perspective before God. That is the truth that David had in mind when he wrote:
When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor.(Psalm 8:3–5) When that is our approach to life, when God is the center of our universe and we see ourselves and everyone else as co-equal around him, we are exercising true humility and that will naturally be reflected in our speech.
Humility-Powered Speech Humility-powered speech is easy to recognize. It is obviously never arrogant, insolent, or pretentious. On the other hand, people who exhibit humility in their speech always show interest in others. They are happy to speak about themselves when appropriate, but not excessively, or in a comparative or self-elevating way. A person whose speech is based in humility is also always happy to give credit to others when that is appropriate (something that pride-driven people find difficult or nearly impossible to do).
The Bible contains many examples of speech that is guided and empowered by humility, and these are role models from which we can all learn. In the Old Testament we need only read the Psalms to find many of these examples – as when David wrote "I will boast in the Lord; the humble will hear and be glad. Proclaim the Lord's greatness with me; let us exalt his name together" (Psalm 34:2–3 CSB). The more humble we are, the more natural it is to praise God and to "boast" of his character and deeds.
In the New Testament, few examples of humility-powered speech are clearer or more beautiful than the words of Mary, the mother of Jesus, when she was told that she would become pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit. Mary's song or statement of rejoicing at this news is an amazing picture of true humility that perfectly captures the principles we have discussed in this chapter. Consider her words:
My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me … He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful to Abraham and his descendants forever. (Luke 1:46–55) Notice how Mary begins with a focus on God. She refers to her "humble state" as the servant of God, yet she acknowledges that all generations would call her blessed and that God had done "great things" for her. She reiterates her own humble situation and ends with thoughts of others – her own nation – and praise of God's mercy.
In saying these things, Mary shows the perspective of true humility with her focus on God. While freely acknowledging her own lowliness, she also accepts and does not downplay the great things that would be accomplished through her – again with full credit to God. Notice also that in this instance – despite the fact that she is the focus of the annunciation – Mary talks just as much about the importance of the event for other individuals as she does for herself! When we consider these details, we realize what an amazing example this is of speech that is full of true humility.
Our own everyday speech might rarely be so spiritually focused and Mary's situation was obviously a unique one. But the principles we have talked about in this chapter still apply here. When our inner focus is on God and on others as much as on ourselves, our speech will always show humility. We may have to actively work to maintain that kind of focus in our own lives – to make it a learned habit – but it is the one thing that will always displace pride and prideful speech. Indeed, if we are serious about really controlling our speech and using its power in a positive manner, we should always remember the truth emphasized by the theologian John R.W. Stott – that pride is our greatest enemy, and humility is our greatest friend.
5. Respect: Holding Society Together
It is hard to overestimate the importance of the aspect of speech that we will consider in this chapter. Ultimately, respect is the glue that holds individuals and society together – and when it is not present, this causes society to fracture dangerously. We see proof of this every day in the world around us. The absence of respect for parents, spouses, and for others in general – especially for authority figures – has rendered many parts of society increasingly dysfunctional in recent years and has led to an ongoing litany of broken relationships, interpersonal abuses, and crimes.
Every Christian needs to pay particular attention to this phenomenon and to what the Bible tells us regarding the basis and the need for respect in all aspects of life.
The Foundation of Respect The biblical foundation for respect for others is found in the first chapter of Genesis – in the Bible's first mention of human beings:
Then God said, "Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:26–27)
These words have long been understood as the very basis of all human dignity, equality, and worth (see also Genesis 9:6), but it is interesting that in their original context they carried even more meaning.
In the ancient biblical world, the statement that all humans are created in God's image would have been seen as revolutionary. The only things that were believed to bear the image of the gods were the kings of the ancient societies – who were believed to be the chosen representatives of the gods – and the idols that represented the gods in their temples. While God's words in Genesis thus conveyed a sense of rulership being given to all humans (as Genesis 1:26 clearly shows), they also had a fascinating further implication. The Hebrew word selem meaning "image" that was used in the expression "God created mankind in his own image" is often translated "idol" in the Bible. While God forbade his people to make idols that represented him, he nevertheless made humans as images of himself. We must understand why. The idols that were placed in temples were not usually thought of as the actual gods, rather they were understood as depictions that represented the gods and that functioned on their behalf. When the Bible tells us that humans were made in God's image, it is stressing the awesome potential that God was giving all humans as his representatives and appointed rulers of the earth. That is why the Psalmist could write:
Lord, our Lord … what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands. (Psalm 8:1, 4–6) This understanding of the divinely granted position of humankind is the basis for the biblical teaching on respect in the Old and New Testaments alike. It is the basis of the apostle Peter's plain words that we should "Show proper respect to everyone" (1 Peter 2:17). If we respect God, we must respect all who are created in his image. Cracks in the Foundation But humans themselves have short-circuited the respect God intended for all people by accepting two spiritually flawed concepts which the Christian must work to reject in his or her own life. These flawed concepts are that others must be worthy of respect to be respected, and that others must give respect to receive it. We will look briefly at both of these errors in thinking.
Respect and honor are virtually identical concepts in the Bible – both English words are often used to translate the same underlying Hebrew and Greek words. So when the Bible commands us, for example, "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12), it is the same as saying "Respect your father and mother." In commands like these we are never told to respect our parents if they are worthy of respect – the command is binding on us whether they are "sinners or saints," respectable or not. And the same is true of the respect we are told to give all people, as we saw in 1 Peter 2:17.
In the same way, what Peter wrote clearly tells us that we must respect others whether they give us respect or not. A good biblical example of this principle is seen in the stories of how, when King Saul became jealous of David and attempted to kill him, on two different occasions David had the chance to kill Saul but did not and spoke to him respectfully – regardless of the fact that Saul devalued him and was intent on his death (1 Samuel 24 and 26). Today, by contrast, it is not uncommon for people to attack, injure and even kill others because they felt someone "did not show them respect."
Because of these two faulty ways of thinking, it is so easy for respect to evaporate in our society. If we believe we need only respect those who deserve respect and who show respect to us, we will not be left with many we feel we need to respect, and the underlying glue that holds society together disappears quickly. We need to reject these two common errors if we are to show respect to others as God, in his wisdom, tells us we should. Applying Respect So far, we have only looked at the blanket statement by the apostle Peter that we should show respect to everyone, but the Bible breaks this principle down into specific instruction in numerous areas of human interaction.
The Scriptures tell us, for example, that we should show respect to those in authority (Romans 13:1), to parents (Ephesians 6:1–2), employers (Ephesians 6:5), employees (Ephesians 6:9), and many others. It is important to understand that every class of people we are told to respect is, in turn, told to respect those commanded to respect them. In other words, respect should always work in two directions. For instance, wives are to show respect to their husbands (Ephesians 5:33 "the wife must respect her husband") and husbands are to show respect to their wives (1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect").
These and other commands reinforce the general principle that we are to show respect to all. As the apostle Paul also says: "Give to everyone what you owe them … if respect, then respect" (Romans 13:7). This does not mean that we owe respect only to some, but that we owe and should give everyone respect.
It can be helpful in this regard to think about the fact that we owe respect to all people based not on what they are or do, but for their God-given potential. In that sense, we must learn to see others more as God sees them. Consider the Old Testament story of Gideon. Gideon was evidently a man who lived in virtual hiding from the enemy (Judges 6:11); who was naturally fearful (Judges 6:23); and who needed considerable encouragement to fight (Judges 6:36–40) – someone we would hardly think of as a hero.
Yet when the angel of God appeared to Gideon, he spoke to him with respect and greeted him by saying: "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior" (Judges 6:12). This example is all the more powerful because the Bible shows the "angel of the LORD" was actually the Lord himself (Judges 6:14 and following verses). God knew Gideon's weakness and faults, yet the Lord addressed him according to his potential – just as he did many Old Testament prophets, Peter after his denial (John 21:15–17), and Paul when he appeared to him on the road to Damascus (Acts 9:1–6). God clearly expects us to keep people's potential in mind when we interact with them, just as he does.
So what are some of the ways that we can treat everyone with respect based on their God-given potential? We most often show respect or disrespect not through our actions – which may remain totally neutral – but in what we say to others and how we say it. As such, it is vital that the Christian understand the effects of this important area of speech.
The Many Dimensions of Respect Respect is one area in which our words often speak louder than our actions. We show some level of respect or disrespect in almost everything we say to others. Consider the following random situational examples. 1. Do we speak one way to some people and another way to others? We should not, as James 2:1-13 teaches. That is a principle Albert Einstein wisely followed when he said: "I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university." 2. Do we teach our children respectful speech? As evangelist Billy Graham noted: "A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone," and this is just as true in speech as it is in actions. 3. Do we remember that respectful speech sometimes means not speaking? Sometimes we need to show respect by simply listening to what others have to say, especially if their point of view is different from ours. 4. Do we disrespect others by expressing harsh criticism of a group or category of people? We may not agree with the teachings of other religions, for example, but this does not mean we need not show respect to the followers of other faiths. 5. Do we use disrespectful words when speaking to, or about, others? This is a more serious problem than many people realize. Jesus himself said: "anyone who says to a brother or sister, 'Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell" (Matthew 5:22). This warning does not only apply to the use of certain words – it is a warning against any words that are used to disrespect and devalue others. 6. Do we keep in mind the subtleties of the language we use in our everyday speech? For example, the expression "Whatever!" can often be a thinly veiled "I don't care what you think!" that signals lack of respect even when disrespectful words are not used. 7. Do we use irony and other speech forms carefully and respectfully? If it is used carefully, sarcasm, for example, can be effective in helping people understand things (Jesus and Paul both used sarcasm in this way), but such speech can easily be misused and hurt more than it helps. Seeing how these few examples might apply in our own lives might take a little thought on our part, but it requires even more thought and watchfulness to avoid the dozens of other ways we can fail to show proper respect in our speech – whether in person, in our correspondence with others, or on social media. However, letting our speech always be respectful is worth the effort this kind of thought requires. And we are not left to do these things on our own strength alone. If we do our part, God will answer the psalmist's prayer that should be our prayer also: "Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips" (Psalm 141:3).