2. Restraint: the Anger Antidote
If you were asked what the single most important aspect of speech is in today's society what would you say? For much of human history perhaps the answer "truth" would have been a good one. Today, however, though truth is just as important as it ever was, "restraint" might be a more appropriate answer. Speech without Restraint Sadly, ours is an age in which restraint is becoming increasingly rare and anger is increasingly common. Each day brings news stories of uncontrolled and unleashed anger in the home, in the workplace, and in incidents of "road rage" and other forms of violent anger. Dozens of expressions refer to all this rage around us – from "blowups" to "meltdowns" – and the verbal and physical expression of anger has become so common in everyday life that it is almost an accepted fact of life.
Perhaps this is to be expected in societies where far greater stress is placed on not bottling up emotions and freely expressing them rather than on learning to control them – and this is especially true when it comes to restraint in what we say. The result is unbridled speech that regularly leads to broken families and relationships – and even to assaults and homicides. When the Bible tells us that "the tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21), it is not hyperbole.
The Bible has numerous stories illustrating this truth. In 1 Samuel 25 we read about the rich man Nabal whose lack of restraint was his downfall. When David, whose men had protected Nabal's servants, sent messengers to him asking for food, we are told Nabal (whose name means "fool") "hurled insults at them" (1 Samuel 25:14) or, as the New Living Translation has it "he screamed insults at them." Nabal's lack of verbal restraint was bad enough at this point, but when he later found that his wife, Abigail, had given food to David and his men, Nabal became so overcome by his own unrestrained anger that "he had a stroke, and he lay paralyzed on his bed like a stone" (vs. 37 NLT).
Not all unrestrained anger leads to such dramatic consequences, of course, but the results of speech without restraint are almost never good – which is why Christ firmly instructed his followers "I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment … anyone who says to a brother or sister, 'Raca,' is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell" (Matthew 5:22).
Here, Jesus was not speaking of simply experiencing the emotion of anger – which is not wrong in itself as the apostle Paul showed when he wrote "Be angry and do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26 CSB; etc.) or, as the NLT renders this verse, "don't sin by letting anger control you."
Rather, Jesus was speaking of unrestrained anger that leads to exactly the kind of verbal abuse – or worse – that we see so often today. When Jesus said "for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment" (Matthew 12:36 NKJV), the word "idle" is translated from the Greek word argos which can mean free from labor, lazy - not taking the effort to control.
Restraint: The Anger Antidote Even if, as Christians, we do not exhibit unrestrained anger to the degree Jesus spoke of, we are all responsible for controlling our anger and not letting it enter our speech – though most of us fail in this way on occasion. We all need to restrain our speech to some degree, and the Bible emphasizes this continually. Consider just a few of the scriptures from the Old Testament book of Proverbs that tell us this: "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent" (Proverbs 10:19 ESV).
"The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint … Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues" (Proverbs 17:27–28).
"Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity" (Proverbs 21:23). The importance of verbal restraint is made just as clear in the New Testament – for example, in the Epistle of James: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19–20).
"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless" (James 1:26). So how do we restrain our speech? Because most of us speak with others daily, we can and should pray for help with this on a regular basis. As David wrote "Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips" (Psalm 141:3), and that is a prayer we can all pray. But we also have the responsibility to do what we can in this regard, and there are a number of strategies – habits of restraint– that we can develop.
For instance, simply avoiding anger is a great deal better than trying to restrain it once it occurs. We can do this in many ways if we think about it. For example, consider what the book of Ecclesiastes tells us: "Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you – for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others" (Ecclesiastes 7:21–22).
Although our own situation may not be identical to what Ecclesiastes describes, the principle clearly applies to almost anyone. Sometimes we need to simply ignore things that would almost certainly arouse anger. Thinking of insults or other verbal provocations as pits or traps to be avoided can often help us to defuse anger before it has a chance to flare. This may not be easy for some of us, but it is always possible.
If we do get involved in a verbal disagreement and feel anger rising, the old advice of counting to ten before answering can often give us time to remember the need for restraint. And we need to continually remind ourselves that when we do answer, we should do everything we can not to escalate the situation because "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). This takes work. Notice that a "gentle answer" involves multiple words, whereas an answer that makes matters worse need only be a single word!
These examples of things we can do are all basic strategies, but in reality that is all it takes to utilize restraint. The problem is not that the solutions are basic, but that we do not utilize them often enough. Yet when we do, they are almost always effective – the smallest strategy can change the course of our conversations and steer us away from angry speech.
As James wrote: "When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go" (James 3:3–4).
James uses these analogies to describe the tongue, of course, because left alone our tongues will steer us; but if we consciously begin to utilize strategies of restraint, we will find that we can and do steer our tongues and words in the right direction and can begin to use their power for good.
Restraint in our speech then becomes like the line in the center of the highway – holding us back from potentially hurting ourselves and others. Sometimes it is the blanket we throw on the flames of anger, saving us from certain hurt. But we all need to utilize restraint by developing, remembering, and using strategies that suppress and control the anger that can so quickly get out of control in the human mind.
Restraint in Speech There are a number of biblical examples of people of God utilizing effective practices in order to restrain improper anger, but the life of King David provides some of the clearest.
We see David's restraint in speech on a number of occasions – perhaps never more clearly than the times that he had opportunity to speak to King Saul, who was hunting him to kill him. On those occasions it would have been understandable if David had launched into accusatory and condemning speech, but in each case David restrained himself when he spoke to Saul in these tense and doubtless highly emotionally charged situations (1 Samuel 24:11– 15; 1 Samuel 26:18–20). Even though he was doubtless angry at Saul's mistreatment of him, David gave honest assessments of the situation but remained respectful and did not descend into accusatory and condemning speech. Reading these stories in context and thinking about them, we can only be impressed by David's restraint in these situations. Like all of us, he failed on occasion, but the biblical stories show that he was remarkably successful in restraining his speech.
And David tells us how he did this: "I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth while in the presence of the wicked." (Psalm 39:1). David realized that there were times when he needed to be particularly careful ("while in the presence of the wicked"), and his caution at these times sometimes went as far as "I remained utterly silent, not even saying anything good" (vs. 2). In most of the circumstances we find ourselves in we may not need to remain totally silent, but David's example is a powerful one of a person going to whatever lengths are necessary in order not to be drawn into unrestrained speech.
In doing this, David's behavior foreshadowed the restrained speech of Jesus himself. The apostle Peter tells us that Jesus – who had more right to condemn his enemies than any other person ever has had – did not do so: "When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly" (1 Peter 2:23).
Jesus Christ was the only person who constantly controlled his speech to this degree – perfectly and without exception. We know that he became angry at times (John 2:13–17; etc.), but the Gospels make it clear that it was always without sin. Not only can we learn from his example, but we can also ask him to help us model our speech after the pattern of his. He chose his words carefully. He spoke kindly, but with authority, and with restraint – even when provoked. And Jesus promised a reward for those who followed his example. Jesus said, "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you" (Matthew 5:11). This blessing was promised in the context of persecution, but it presumes that we will not hit back. In that sense, the blessing applies also to our everyday interactions with others – if we can learn not to respond in kind, even if provoked, and if we maintain restraint in what we do and say. As James tells us: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19). It is only with this kind of restraint that we can use the power of speech for good and avoid the evils of unrestrained speech and action that fill much of today's world.