Common Interests
Common Interests
From this hour the summer rose
Sweeter breathes to charm us;
From this hour the winter snows
Lighter fall to harm us;
Fair or foul, on land or sea,
Come the wind or weather,
Best or worst, whatever they be,
We shall share together.
– Winthrop Mackworth Praed
Two souls in sweet accord,
Each for each caring and each self unheard,
Bringing life’s discords into perfect tune;
True to true feeling, and to nature living,
Plighting no faith, nor needing proof nor proving.
Taking for granted, never asking, giving,
Not doubting, and not fearing “how” or “where”?
Not caring if less bright or young or fair;
Sure to be ever loved, and sure of loving.
– H. C. Von Ranke
It is of prime importance that husband and wife intertwine their interests. Every additional thing they do together is another bond of union, as long as they do not seek to rival or excel each other, and each helps the other to realize the common aim.
The beginning of this mutual interest in the same things should date from the days of the courtship. The welding of the two metals will be easier in those days than ever after, and what is begun then will continue throughout coming days. Let us review some of the many things in which man and wife may share.
There is, first, their spiritual life. They can read the Bible and pray together, and can go to services and religious meetings and engage in some common Christian work together. How good it is when they become interested in the same poor people, or Sunday school students, or philanthropic organization. They can plan, scheme, and cooperate for the advancement of what lies so near their hearts. Then there is the weekly, monthly, or yearly setting aside of a proportion of the income for the cause of God and the consideration of the best means of applying it.
Next, we may consider the common interest in the home. We might assume that in some cases it will have been furnished by their joint earnings; in others, the husband will have provided the more substantial furniture, while the wife will have procured and perhaps hemmed and marked much of the linen. But however this may be, the arrangement will have been largely a joint affair; the ordering of the plan, the additions that may be made to its ornaments and comforts, and the regulation of the servants will all be matters of mutual interest. Though it should always be remembered that it is the wife’s function to engage and superintend the servants, yet she will not fail to enlist her husband’s interested advice and suggestions.
Surely, they should also have common pastimes. There is probably one afternoon in the week when in the summer they can mount their bicycles and take a ride into the country; in winter they might go out together for a walk, a skate, or a visit to a picture gallery or a place of recreation. In the course of the year, there will be the holiday trip to the seaside or a mountain, and even if he needs stronger and more vigorous exercise than she has strength for, it will somehow be arranged that they have several days together. It is very beneficial when they can play at some common game. It may seem a trivial remark to make, but it is worthwhile when the man can be induced to relax from the strain of business to play with his wife at chess or backgammon, or whatever else they choose.
To read the same books is also a wholesome bond of union. Lending libraries are within the reach of most of us, and it is very desirable to avail ourselves of the chance to keep in touch with the best new books. When husband and wife are together in the winter evenings, how much good after the meal is done to sit within the enclosed room and take turns reading biographies, poetry, storybooks, or sermons. Here is food for thought and fuel for conversation. And often they may break off from what they read to compare their thoughts, to criticize or admire, or to seek the dictionary or atlas for the explanation of some fresh word or the fixing of a new place on the map. Often the daily press will yield the leading article, the biographical notice, or the report of the great debate as material for the evening study.
A common interest in the same people and friends is all-important. And here the wife needs special wisdom and tact. Of course, there are the friends of either with whom each held happy fellowship in the past. These will be among the first to be welcomed to the new home, and from amongst them, many of the life-friends will probably be gathered. No friends are like those whom one has known and loved first. In those early gatherings, let there be nothing extravagant, nothing of pompousness and display. Be anxious to show how natural and simple true hospitality is, and that your perception of social life consists not in the richness of the cuisine and drinks, but in the wealth of the greeting, the warmth of the heart fellowship, and the brightness and enjoyment of music, pictures, games, and social connection.
In time, other people will call on the wife and introduce her to their friends. The husband will speak from time to time of those whom he has met in business or in committees. These will perhaps be added to the little circle. But care should be exercised to exclude from it the extravagant, the mere creatures of fashion, the irreligious, or those who favor Sunday irreverence. There must be no attempt to strive for the recognition of higher circles by the extravagance of the spendthrift, or the overdone flattery of the brownnoser. All relations with friend and neighbor should be simple, true, straightforward, and sincere.
It will perhaps happen that the wife’s quick eye may notice that her husband is attracted to certain unmarried girls who are quite innocent and simplehearted. At first, she may feel a twinge of jealousy like a knife wound in her heart. She will be wise to say nothing and certainly not to find fault with or criticize them. It will obviously be quite as well if she can direct such a course as to not include them in their circle. But if this is impossible, it will be better for her to enter into their friendship with him and to see to it that his friends are her friends too.
Would that these words could be written where every wife might read them. Don’t set yourself against your husband’s friends. You might not be equally drawn to them and might wish that they had never come into contact, but if he is steadfastly devoted to them, be willing to be pleasant and agreeable. Invite them to your home and act toward them in the power of a God-centered will, showing them all kindness and trusting in your heavenly Father to avert all harm. This is a better policy a thousand times over than to expose him to the temptation of making private arrangements to meet them.
What is addressed to the wife applies, of course, equally to the husband. He must be pleasant to his wife’s friends – to her mother and sisters especially. There need be no friction, no collision between the two homes. But it goes without saying, that where love exists in its warmest, holiest, deepest moods, there will be no difficulty in these matters, because each will read the other’s thoughts and detect instantly the shadow cast there by the presence of any against whom there is an incomprehensible but inevitable animosity. This will be sufficient to render it impossible for either to take pleasure in a companionship that might otherwise have been agreeable. One might say here to one’s brothers that women are for the most part correct in their intuitions about character, and we would probably be wise if we avoid those about whom our wives have a strong and fixed misgiving.
It is beneficial when a man has a hobby, some special interest, some subject with which he has an extensive and accurate acquaintance. It will give a new adventure to their joint excursions and holidays. Suppose it is botany or zoology; what an arranging of specimens there will be! Suppose it is photography; perhaps she will be trusted to develop the negatives. Perhaps it is the violin, and she must play the piano accompaniment. Perhaps it is gardening, and she will have her share in raking and watering. In boating, she can steer; in sailing, she may be a whole boat’s crew in one. And thus, they grow together as the years pass, and life becomes ever richer. The two streams blend more absolutely than ever, and with increasing volume and deepening channel, they flow toward the bosom of the eternal ocean.
And even if they are called to be severed for weeks or months from each other, they will keep in step, and their hearts will chime across the separating distance. Neither distance nor length of days can sever hearts that meet in God and have found each other. But the hearts that love can fire one another with hidden secret sparks from the opposite ends of the earth – perhaps from heaven. That is why I love so deeply those latter pages in the life of Laurence Oliphant. If you have not read them, read them.