What the Wife Expects from Her Husband
What the Wife Expects from Her Husband
Let husband know
Their wives have sense like them. They see,
And smell,
And have their palates both for sweet
And sour,
As husbands have.
– William Shakespeare
I wonder did you ever count
The value of one human fate;
Or sum the infinite amount
Of one heart’s treasures, and the weight
Of Life’s one venture, and the whole
Concentrate purpose of a soul.
– Adelaide Anne Procter
Awoman gives much to a man; indeed, she gives all. Before marriage, she may have been the center of a large circle of admirers and lovers who were sworn to do her tiniest bidding; all courtesy, all tenderness, all that love or money could procure were gladly hers. But when she marries, all this ends, and can never be renewed in that form.
How needful, then, that he who now assumes sole charge should fulfill his part that she may not be disappointed or cast glances of regret over the vanished past as having been happier and better in every way.
Brothers, the sisters whom we have asked to share our lives with us are still women with the woman’s heart strong within them, counting on the life with us to be better than their former freedom. They hope our love will compensate them fully for all that they have forsaken by our call. By the vows we made when we sought their hand, the pledge we committed at the marriage altar, and the love we bore and bear, let us not give needless pain. There will necessarily be suffering when business calls us into life’s battle, when life goes against us, and when through sorrow they bear our children, but let us not add tears and stabs through our carelessness or sin.
They have a right to claim that we should love and cherish them. “For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness, and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part,” as we said once. The second word amplifies and enforces the first. Our love may be strong, but silent; it may be true, but lacking in expression; it may be deep, but restrained. We may assure our souls that there is so perfect an understanding between us and our wives that there is no need for the incessant reiteration and assurance. The vows have never been unsaid; the pledges never cancelled, and though there has been no recent confirmation, there has been no withdrawal. Therefore it may be taken for granted that everything remains in force as on the wedding day! Thus we argue, and yet all the while the woman’s heart may be craving for some assurance, a tiny word, or look, or smile – something to feed upon as a sweet morsel and turn to as she did with the first letter or gift.
The woman’s heart craves tenderness, not simply for love’s dues but also for its dues tenderly expressed: the apples of gold in pictures of silver, the jewel in its casket, and all wrapped in soft tissue paper. And so, while one apostle says that the husband is not to be bitter against his wife, and reminds him that she is the weaker vessel and therefore too frail to stand the jar and shock of rough words, another goes further and bids the husband to nourish and cherish his wife as he would his own flesh. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church (Ephesians 5:28-29).
If I leave all for you, will you exchange
And be all to me? Shall I never miss
Home-talk and blessing and the common kiss
That comes to each in turn? ...
Nay, will you fill that place by me which is
Filled by dead eyes too tender to know change? ...
Alas, I have grieved so I am hard to love.
Yet love me—will you? Open thine heart wide,
And fold within, the wet wings of your dove.
– Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Let us ask ourselves, are we tender enough? Do we nourish and cherish those whom we have sworn to defend?
Might we not have something to regret if we were suddenly called to stand beside the grave? Perhaps a few flowers now would be better than handfuls then, and a loving word today better than an elaborate epitaph hereafter; never bitterness on the one hand but the cheery smile, the kind word, the loving expression on the other.
The wife expects to always be the husband’s queen, that the light of love should never die out of his eyes or the greeting fade from his face when they meet. The true woman is quite content to have one loyal subject; the walls of her home are the sufficient boundaries of her realm.
She expects also that her husband should treat her as a reasonable being with whom he can hold conversation on matters that are filling the public mind, being discussed in newspapers, and deserving careful consideration on the part of each member of the community. She further expects that her husband will not always give her his most tired moments when he comes back from the exciting meeting or the absorbing pursuit of business. She will surely tend to him in those hours of reaction and be quite ready to sit beside him in silence until the tired nervous system has recovered. But she does expect that he will not always reserve his vivacity for the larger circles of society, and that her life will be cheered by his brightest smiles, his most sparkling wit and pleasantry, and his exuberant spirit. For often it happens that the wife carries a secret pain in her heart because others seem able to touch the chords of her husband’s life with a lighter, more delicate touch than she can. We must take care, my brothers, to give sparkling water to those who love us best, not always to that which is flat and hot.
The wife’s heart yearns for the husband to take an interest in what she prepares, whether it is some dainty dish which he is fond of, or a dress she has put on in honor of some special occasion, or a delicate touch of womanly grace in their home. “I wonder if he will notice it,” she asks herself. If he doesn’t, she is a little disappointed. She expects that from his side, he will meet her with little surprises on his return from distant journeys, or now and again when there has been a special windfall of success, or on recurring anniversaries of birth or wedding day, she hopes he will bring home some trifle to show that he does not forget.
Never forget that the joy of married life is very delicately poised; balance is affected this way or that by trifles. If we are attentive to these, the supreme bliss within our reach may be attained.
It may be that when the first week or two of married life is over, you awake to the realization of a great mistake. The girl you had taken to complete your life is not all you had hoped. There is something in her behavior, habits, way of looking at things, or manner toward others that threatens to become a source of perpetual trial. You are the soul of order, she is untidy; you are punctual to the stroke of a moment, she is always late; you are accurate in every detail of your speech, she colors and exaggerates; you are frank and easy, she stands on ceremony and etiquette.
What do you do then? When the first disappointment is over, you may have bent your back beneath your burden with a stoic’s strength, and as nature casts out a hard growth to cover the tender skin where the shoe pinches or the burden rubs, you may have settled into a grim and hard indifference. It is your fate, you said. And it is out of this that the lack of tenderness, of which we spoke before, probably sprang. It is not invariably so, because we may be too careless and self-absorbed – but often it is so.
There is a more excellent way. Do not evade the yoke, but take it. Set yourself to remove these spots and wrinkles and present this life to yourself without one of them. Go on showing tenderness, if you have not dropped it. Or, if you have, begin to give yourself to it, though it might at first be from a stern and unbending sense of duty. Deny yourself; make her first; tell her gently of what in her behavior hurts you most. Don’t lose your temper when, again and again, she forgets your words; give yourself, as Christ did, to the cross of self-denial. By your suffering and prayer, cleanse her; do not speak to man or woman, but to God. Never abandon your high quest, and never rest until you have lifted her to your ideal; love must conquer.
Begin today, though the marriage wreaths have withered almost to dust. Do not wait to feel as you should. Purpose to do the right thing; behave in the right way; compel yourself to act according to the highest standards. And as you step out and begin to act out love in God’s name, His love will fill the channel which your act provides. The emotions and sentiment will follow, and at last the old smile, the old tenderness, and the old kiss will come again.
One of the greatest of our modern storytellers narrates the experience of a man who, within a month after marriage, awoke to know that he had made a profound mistake. But he locked the secret in his heart and braced himself to a heroic task. He would never let her know; he would never waken her from her dream. She should think herself his ideal, the queen of his heart, and know no disillusion. And as he strove, he realized that a new love was awakening – not the love of pity but the love of love, which made life blessed. It was a stronger, nobler, purer, more enduring tie than could have sprung from sentiment or whim, and it made him hero and saint. Go and do likewise.
3
Othello,
4
5
Sonnets from the Portuguese 35: