Difficult Marriages
Difficult Marriages
I do not love you less for what is done,
And cannot be undone. Your very weakness
Hath brought you nearer to me, and henceforth
My love will have a sense of pity in it,
Making it less a worship than before.
– Longfellow
They said that Love would die when Hope was gone,
And Love mourned long, and sorrowed after Hope;
At last she sought out Memory, and they trod
The same old paths where Love had walked with Hope,
And Memory fed the soul of Love with tears.
– Tennyson
Nay, sometimes seems it I could even bear
To lay down humbly this love-crown I wear,
Steal from my palace, helpless, hopeless, poor,
And see another queen it at the door,—
If only that the king had done no wrong,
If this my palace, where I dwelt so long,
Were not defiled by falsehood entering in.
– Dinah Maria Mulock Craik
Itrust this is a very unlikely supposition. May it never be realized in your life, my friend! Yet, suppose he should cease to love, or she. What then? Suppose he who pledged his faithfulness at the marriage altar should betray it and withdraw what he promised so faithfully. What should the wife do then? He doesn’t take the same interest in her or in their common life that he once did; he hardly notices the pretty dress or the attractive way of fixing her hair. He sits at the table without speaking a word or answers her remarks with monosyllables; he quickly leaves the table under the excuse of pressing work.
Perhaps he is ill, and the wifely heart is full of anxiety. Perhaps business is unusually absorbing and vexatious, and she must not worry him. But her heart turns faint with nameless dread. Surely, if either of these suppositions were correct, he would return to his old glad, bright self! But days grow into weeks and weeks into months, and the clouds brood more heavily than ever, where once blue skies and brilliant sunshine promised to be perpetual. And then, suddenly, the thought flashes upon her that she is no longer what she was, and perhaps his heart has drifted elsewhere as a man may turn the gleam of a lantern, now here, now there! What shall she do? It is useless to scold. That will do no good, and it may alienate him further. To escape her pelting words, he will hide himself under the cloak of some such excuse as this: “Oh, if only I were free from her! Doesn’t this outburst prove how little she understands me or can sympathize with my temperament and character?”
It is unwise to tell others rather than God. In matters of this kind, it is utterly impossible to expect man or woman to keep your secret. The walls have ears. Love itself will let your secret slip, as quicksilver from the most tenacious grasp. No, you must not involve him or yourself in scandal, which at first will be whispered in the closet but eventually proclaimed upon the housetops. Instead, pour out your heart before God and let the walls of your chamber witness your strong cries and tears; let the whispered prayers of Hannah be your model, and though men like Eli misjudge you, you will certainly find that God will show Himself strong on your behalf. It may be that weary years will pass before the answer is given, but you have the petition you desired of Him, and the woman of a sorrowful spirit shall come again to the scene of her supplications and bring her answer, bursting out in songs of triumphant joy.
It is a mistake to relax your wifely thoughtfulness. When this sorrow comes upon a woman, it paralyzes her. She is suddenly deprived of the motivation that made her life as easy as the quiver of a hummingbird over a flower. In her dress, her housekeeping, her little personal adornments, there had always been one reward – that he would be pleased. But now that nothing seems to give him interest, why should she care? There is a tendency then to neglect her appearance, the table, the home, and let all fall into disorder. In many cases, there has been a further abandonment to alcohol and perhaps suicide. But such a relaxation of the strength and tenacity of a life’s purpose is profoundly mistaken, for in his secret soul, conscious of wrongdoing, he is in search of some plea of self-justification. He is only too relieved to discover it in this alteration of his wife’s behavior, her neglect of his comfort, and the disarray which has occurred in his home.
Least of all, must she permit any flirting with others. This sometimes has been the mistaken direction of disappointed, heart-weary wives. They have resolved to stimulate and recall the flagging affections of their husbands by appearing to favor other men – not that they have really cared for them, but that they were set on trying any strategy to regain their lost love. It is a hazardous experiment. Not only does it seem to afford the faithless husband a fresh justification for his wrongdoing, but the wife could also be drawn into problematic relations with someone whom she secretly despises but uses in her desperation as a pretext.
It seems as though there is no resource but prayer, no line of conduct but patient continuance in well-doing, and no deliverance but His appearance who, when the storm was highest, came across the waves, bringing cheer and salvation. At His rebuke, the tempest will become calm; and through His grace, working in illness, or disappointment, or disaster, the cause of alienation will disappear, while the heart will recognize and leap to embrace its twin heart, as in the former time.
But suppose that she has ceased to love, my brother, and there is no response to your fond approaches. What then? This will not justify you in going elsewhere. You have no alternative but to wait for the Lord’s pleasure and in the meantime show her all kindly and thoughtful attention. A working man’s life was once brought to my attention, which illustrates what I mean. After his conversion, his wife developed a violent dislike for him and gave him no peace. However, he did not retort except with additional kindness and rose early enough to be able to do some of the heaviest chores in their cottage before going to his own laborious work. During the first week, he lit the kitchen fire and put the kettle to boil. But she never said a word. In the following week, he added to this the drawing of the water from the well. But she still appeared to take no notice.
He continued with the same behavior for months, except he was always adding new items. But one night his wife threw herself beside him and asked how he could continue when she had treated him with such unfeeling emotion, and he told her that it was not he but Christ in him that had stood victorious through the fiery test. Before they retired to rest, she had become as a little child in the kingdom of God. We must not be weak and timid, lacking in loving expressions and appeals to the better sense; but for the most part, the consistent life, the appeal of unselfish deeds, and our unswerving loyalty to the highest ideals of Christian manhood will, by God’s blessing, win the day.
It is most important that a man never relinquish the high aim and purpose of his career because he is deprived of that wifely cooperation on which he once counted. The greatest victories are those that are snatched from imminent defeat or are won apart from the usual conditions of success. Clive’s victories at Plassey and Arcot, for instance, were more remarkable because they were gained in the face of overwhelming numbers and when his soldiers were in desperate need of rest, ammunition, and food.
God allows these awful sorrows to come into our lives to test us and to afford an opportunity for the manifestation and growth of the noblest and most unselfish qualities of the soul. These are the battlefields where the rarest laurels are won. These are the arenas where, in feats of endurance and patience, souls attain the rank of the first three mighties (1 Chronicles 11) in the court of the Son of God. And when the lesson has been learned, God’s “Jacobs” go forth as “Israels,” wounded, maimed, limping until they die, but ennobled, royal, and able to scatter blessings, as when Pharaoh bent beneath the trembling hand of the aged patriarch. Out of such experiences, men and women are able to help others, to communicate comfort, to lighten the heavy burdens, and to give comfort to fainting hearts. And when beneath their touch and voice despairing ones develop a new hope, seize again the shield and sword, and plunge into the fight for purity, truth, and self-denial, they see the fruit of their tears, and their prayers are rewarded.
One often thinks of the myriads particularly in Eastern lands who have never known love. And comparing the cases considered in this chapter with theirs, who does not feel that it is better to suffer a lasting regret or an inevitable pain than to not have had the ideal, to not have realized the capacity for love’s best gift? No, man or woman, always be glad that you have dreamed love’s fairest dreams, even though, like the Naiad’s footsteps on the sands, they have left no trace except in memory. Cherish those high and holy imaginings; someday, somewhere, they shall be realized in fact, and God shall give you your heart’s desires. In the meantime, guard against cynicism, pessimism, and despair.
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Poems: By the Author of “John Halifax, Gentleman”