What Men Want You To Know About Them
I don’t know how it got there. Someone must have given it to me. On my shelf rests a book entitled What Men Know About Women. When you open up the book, all you see are blank pages. On the flip side, I think of Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady asking, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”
As a woman in youth ministry, I’ve felt both. At times, I’ve felt misunderstood, misjudged, and mislabeled by men. Yet in my insecurity, I’ve often wished I could be more like men—in order to understand them and to fit in.
The popular book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray implies that men and women come from two different planets. Frankly, I think that’s an overstatement. Yes, we are different, but are we really from two different planets? Perhaps two different neighborhoods is a more accurate description. Or at least we hang out in different parts of town. Yet we youth workers have the same Boss, the same divine Mayor. And at the end of the day, that is what matters most.
“Genderalizations”
For the last decade, I’ve wrestled with the questions: Are men and women truly different? Or are we merely exaggerating coincidental, occasional differences? My answers: yes and yes.
Men and women are different. But the differences aren’t inevitable. So I’ve made up my own label: “genderalization.” A “gen-deralization” is a tendency that consistently differentiates male and female attitudes and behaviors. Note I said “consistently” and not “always.” It seems to me that if we were really all that different, God would have said different things to each gender in his word.
So before you throw around stereotypical statements about men and women, ask yourself these questions:
1. Is there any actual research confirming these differences or is it just my opinion?
2. If I look at the overall population, how consistent are the differences between men and women?
3. What else besides gender might be causing the differences?
4. If it probably is gender that is causing the differences, how much of that is innately biological and how much is socially conditioned?
5. Can I be more careful with my language, using words like tend to, usually, and often, instead of throwing down blanket statements about either gender? For example, saying that men tend to stay on a superficial level longer in conversations is a much softer statement than saying all men are superficial. Plus, it’s closer to the truth.
One great rule of thumb is to “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Try to respect what they’re saying even if it’s not necessarily what you agree with or would choose.
WARNING: Great patience and holding your tongue are required.
Why is all this so important? I believe it’s impossible to work with someone if you don’t respect them. And if we’re always comparing men and women, limiting what each gender can become and judging them because they’re different from us, we’re bound to lose respect for each other.
Don’t Worship the Wiring
It bothers me when people use their gender as a scapegoat for their behavior.
“I can’t help getting all emotional and overreacting—I’m a girl.”
“I can’t help looking at other girls. That’s what guys do.”
“I know we talk about other people behind their backs, but what can you expect from us girls?”
“You know us guys. We don’t share our feelings very well.”
Think about Jesus. While he was biologically a male, he demonstrated qualities that we think of as “masculine” and “feminine.” He showed his emotions, but he also helped people solve problems. He acted with passion and even anger, but he also listened with compassion. If the behavior or attitude that you blame on your gender is actually sin, then you have no right using your biology as an excuse. Instead, ask God for his grace to take some steps (even baby steps) to become more of the whole person that Jesus longs for you to be.
Who Am I?
Many men tend to define their sense of self through results, especially at work. Many women tend to define their sense of self through feelings and relationships. Which one is better? Neither. God calls us to something higher. And better. Our ultimate sense of self should come from being his beloved child. The rest is just gravy.
As you work with guys who seem too focused on results, try to refocus them on God’s unconditional love. Isn’t it amazing that God loves us as much on days when we’re lying in bed and watching I Love Lucy reruns as on days when we accomplish tons for “his kingdom”?
As you work with women who allow others to define how they feel about themselves, try to refocus them on their relationship with God. As long as we put others in control of how we feel about ourselves, we’ll always be controlled by them (makes sense, doesn’t it?).
I want you to really get this because if you don’t, time and time again you’ll shrink back from this high calling of being a woman in leadership. So read the following verse and underline the words your or you every time you see one of them (underline them a lot if you must): “But now, thus says the Lord, YOUR Creator…And He who formed YOU…‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed YOU; I have called YOU by name; YOU are Mine!’” (Isaiah 43:1, NASB).
Yep, that’s what God says about YOU. He’s called YOU. That means your unique, gifted, broken, sinful, wonderful self. Don’t you dare shy away from bringing your true self to the table of youth ministry.
—Megan
Cave or Community
When men are upset, they tend to withdraw. Needing time alone, they take a walk, go for a jog, or hop in their car for a drive. It’s their cave.
When women are upset, we tend to want community. We want to talk, feel, and then talk some more.
When you get in conflict with a man in your ministry, usually he wants to take off and you want to sit down and “talk it out.” He walks away, you chase him down; he starts running, and then you jet after him. Now you’re both sprinting—him away from you. Not a very healthy dynamic.
Ahead of time, talk with the men you work with and figure out a good conflict-resolution process. Would it help if you both wrote out what you were feeling and thinking before you talked? Would it help if you took an hour to cool down before you stormed into each other’s office and said things you’d later regret (and didn’t even really mean)? Can you find a compromise that gives the guy a bit of time alone, but then provides an opportunity to each share how you’re feeling? It’s naive to think our relationships with men are going to be absent of conflict, but it’s wise to work out a conflict resolution plan ahead of time.
Why Are Men in My Ministry Intimidated by Me?
As a woman in youth ministry, do you ever feel like you intimidate some guys in your ministry? It’s almost like your competence as a youth worker forces them to retreat. That’s probably because feeling needed is a motivator for many men. When it seems like you don’t need them, they tend to distance themselves from you.
Unfortunately, many women respond by then hiding their abilities and acting weaker than they really are. By doing this, they’re keeping themselves from living the life God intends.
There is a better way. As followers of Christ, we do need each other, regardless of gender. You need men, just like you need women, to speak into your life, sharpen you, and empower you to be the woman you want to be. If a man is intimidated by you, let him know specific areas in which you need him. Do you respect his advice about your ministry’s purpose statement? Do you need him to help you flesh out your community outreach plan? That way you’re not becoming less of yourself, but you’re allowing him to be more of himself.
As a strong female, I’ve learned to apply the 24-hour rule. That is, if I have conflict with a colleague, I wait 24 hours before saying anything. When I do this, I will typically have three results:
1) I’m not as emotional and am able to communicate clearly and compassionately,
2) I am the problem and need to seek forgiveness (that’s always fun), or
3) It isn’t a battle I need to fight—vengeance was God’s, not mine.
Whatever the case, just make sure you are committed to honesty, first with yourself, then with others.
—Megan
Compliment Men to Others
Regardless of how similar or different you are from the men in your ministry, you have enormous power in shaping what students think of them. If a male staff member drops the ball on something, do you try to help him figure out a good plan B, or do you make sarcastic comments for all to hear? If one of the guys on your team doesn’t discipline that overly rowdy senior very well, do you talk to him about it in private, or do you verbally slam him in front of others?
Students are more attentive to our comments about other adults than we think. Are you reinforcing the messages that many (especially girls) hear at home about how worthless men are, or are you giving your students a hopeful picture of male-female partnership?
Don’t you wish you could climb inside guys’ minds to see what they’re thinking? We do, too—so we asked some.
We asked a handful of men in youth ministry to answer a few key questions about women in youth ministry. No matter what your background, odds are good that the men you work with share some of the same opinions. In fact, maybe you should ask them these same questions and see for yourself. It could be the start of a great conversation.
1. Women in youth ministry would be surprised if they realized men...
…don’t really think they have all the answers...they just act like it! LOL :^)
Aaron, Arizona
…are the most insecure mammals on the planet. You can help us by not overreacting to our little temper tantrums and by not treating us like little boys, even though we may be acting like it. Also, men fight and then go have a beer together...often our disagreement is not personal, it is ideological. Don’t take what we say to heart as an offense to your self-worth!
Dan, Colorado
…knew they could not bear the fruit that God had intended in a specific ministry without women serving alongside them. This generation of students is not looking for the outgoing, guitar playing, long-winded male pastor to lead them into the presence of God. What they are looking for is a person who has no ego, who is not tied to a position, but rather someone they can sit down and talk with and who will listen first and give advice only when asked.
Wayne, Calgary, Canada
....aren’t really surprised by your talents and abilities at all! They’ve known all along you are gifted.
Mike, California
...want so much for women to succeed in student ministry. Many men understand women’s often untapped potential in leadership, ministry, teaching, relationship nurturing, planning, vision casting...you get the idea.
Al, Minnesota
…need partners of equal standing to model what it means to be godly women. While the competencies of men vary according to giftedness, one deficiency common to all men is their inability to be women. Go figure!
Gregg, Wisconsin
…are mostly clueless when in comes to how to handle a tenth-grade girl’s issues at school or an eighth grader who is distraught about a boy who doesn’t like her or a senior who “really loves this guy”...
Jake, Minnesota
2. Without women in youth ministry…
...there is a hole, something missing, it is incomplete. I fully believe that in the postmodern church we need women working alongside men. Just the other day I was talking with some students who asked, “Why don’t we see women in front of our church?” These young women need to know that they are gifted just as men are.
Aaron, Arizona
…my last 12 years would not have been as fruitful or successful for my ministry. I have hired more women than men in my ministry career and have never regretted hiring a woman. Besides the obvious of being there for female students, women in youth ministry bring a balance and practical thinking to each area that concerns students. Many students under my leadership would have never found hope and healing in their lives if it were not for a woman who was called by God to love students unconditionally.
Wayne, Calgary, Canada
...girls would grow up believing that they are not free to touch the lives of teenagers for Jesus. Without women in youth ministry, we would be vetoing God’s spiritual gift-giving.
Jim, Hawaii
…we would not be giving God our best.
Al, Minnesota
…the wheels would fall off. There is no question that women have always played a critical role in youth ministry. In Micah 6:8, it tells us that God requires us to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. Without women in ministry, the “do justly” dominates over the “love mercy,” and the necessary humility is significantly diminished. Together our youth ministry programs become much more obedient to God’s calling.
Mark, Colorado
3. One thing I’d like to change for women in youth ministry is...
…I think Paul’s writings have forever damaged many women’s perception of the legitimacy of their call to ministry. This is unfortunate, and in my humble opinion, lousy exegetical work. This is a loss, and it is up to men and women in the kingdom who have a different view to begin to correctly help all people find their place in ministry.
Dan, Colorado
…that they didn’t have to work twice as hard to get half the credit men get.
Wayne, Calgary, Canada
…that the clergy playing field was more level. While some seminaries will intentionally admit an equal gender ratio, churches in most denominations aren’t hiring women to be pastors as fast or as often as men.
Jim, Hawaii
...to create greater numbers of significant ministry opportunities for them. I would also like to see more men providing these opportunities and not be threatened by their influence.
Mike, California
…to see more female mentors for them. It just seems like it’s difficult to find many (I know there are some) of those veteran women who have journeyed far with God in ministry and have seen and heard and done things that younger women could benefit from learning.
Al, Minnesota
…is to remove the “beauty is power” clause in our culture’s definition of who is important and why. We are fixated on external beauty as a culture. And unfortunately it is just as true inside the church.
I recently heard of a ministry in Florida that called a friend of mine for a reference on a female youth pastor. He was asked, “How does she look in a bathing suit?”
“What?” asked my friend.
“You’re a guy; you understand,” came the reply. “We are a beach church, and we have to consider these things.”
Mark, Colorado
…the gnawing urge to feel like they have to be more like men to validate their presence and effectiveness. Their femininity is a God-designed asset to any comprehensive youth ministry.
Gregg, Wisconsin
…I would get rid of the stigma that we can only have paid staff be men. My dream team for student ministry is all about having ladies on staff! The other thing I would change is for the women in youth ministry to realize they cannot be nearly as effective in the lives of the boys as men can. So if you are a woman running a program or in leadership, you need to have some dyno-mite male staff (volunteer or paid) that come alongside you to connect with the guys and love up on them.
Jake, Minnesota
4. I would want to encourage women in youth ministry by telling them...
…to hang in there. There is a place for you, and the tide is changing. More and more congregations are becoming open to the idea of women working as volunteers and full- or part-time student ministers.
Aaron, Arizona
…you are a child of God, no more and no less important than your male counterpart. Please don’t let your gender sway you from your calling. May it be a gift that you bring to the table to be used by the King.
Dan, Colorado
…the heart and spirit that women bring to youth ministry are incredibly valued and needed, more than men will ever admit. Youth ministry is a principle-based approach to seeing students grow in their faith, but the Christian church has made it a personality-based or gender-based issue that it shouldn’t be.
Wayne, Calgary, Canada
…a girl in my youth group told me she was inspired by a woman who was serving as an associate pastor at our church.
“Have you talked to her?” I asked.
“No,” she said, “I just like knowing I could be one.”
Women in ministry are making a difference for students that they may not even see.
Jim, Hawaii
...it’s your turn! Find a place in ministry where you and your talents are appreciated and valued, and where your gifts not only impact the lives of the girls in your group, but also the young men.
Mike, California
…they are bringing balance to a “profession” that has been way too male for way too long. Youth programs in general have been strong on “fight and conquer” and poor on “love and encourage.” Please continue to bring your compassionate hearts into the teenage world that is so harsh and unforgiving.
Mark, Colorado
…the power to transform young lives is not gender-specific. It lies in the Word of God, empowered by the Spirit of God, not within us or our personal performance. None of us are competent in and of ourselves to accomplish anything of lasting value in youth ministry. Apart from Christ I can do nothing (John 15:5), but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). Even Paul said, “Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God” (2 Corinthians 3:5). The wonder of it all is that God chooses to use us as his “agents of change” entrusted with everyday opportunities to leave a personal mark on eternity.
Gregg, Wisconsin