Getting Paid For This Crazy Thing Called Youth Ministry
“Typical woman speaker.”
“What do you mean?” I asked my friend, Christopher. We had just heard a woman speak to 400 teenagers about the importance of prayer, and his remark intrigued me.
“Well,” he continued, “her voice was whiny, she apologized too much, and she wasn’t very funny.”
While I disagree with Christopher’s stereotypes, I have heard them many times. I’ve often asked myself: Are there differences in the way men and women communicate? If so, how does that affect our ministries?
After observing hundreds of men and women communicating in large group, small group, and one-on-one settings, I have concluded that there are some differences. But they are not absolute. Rather, they are tendencies. Trends. At this point, it’s unclear whether or not these differences are due to our biological nature or our sociological nurture. Either way, we need to identify the differences and see if there is anything we need to change so that the all important kingdom message gets heard.12
Just Say Yes
When I meet women in youth ministry, they often tell me something like, “I just don’t feel comfortable speaking in front of a group. I’m way more comfortable in a small group or one-on-one.” There are lots of reasons women in youth ministry should work on getting over their fear of speaking before groups. First, fear is hardly ever a good reason not to do something. Second, the girls (and guys!) in your ministry may never see a woman speaker if you stay silent. Third, you are probably a better speaker than you think. Fourth, if you’re looking to get hired at a church or parachurch ministry, most jobs (even part-time jobs and internships) will require you to speak in front of a crowd.
So the next time you get asked to speak at your church or somewhere else, just say “yes.” Even if it scares you. Maybe even especially if it scares you. You just never know what God might do.
When I enter public school health classes to teach about abstinence, captivating the audience is essential! Each time, I start by rapidly rattling off random things about me—I’ve bungee jumped three times, I love country music, I own 103 bottles of nail polish, I have two favorite muscles (and show them, of course!), and I think kissing should be an Olympic sport. Within 60 seconds, each kid has probably found at least one thing to relate to or laugh at. And I’m in!
—Heather
Captivate the Audience
As a rule of thumb, every speaker needs to captivate the audience’s interest. Especially female speakers. A typical audience consists of three types of people: those who support female speakers, those who are neutral about female speakers, and those who oppose female speakers. A speaker needs to earn the trust, or at least the respect, of those last two groups of people—and quickly. Unfortunately, people usually decide whether or not they’re going to listen to you in the first 60 seconds of your talk. That means your introduction is important.
In my experience, the best introductions are those that tap into the audience’s need. Humor is nice, a fun story is a plus, but at the end of the day, an introduction is about connecting with the needs of the audience. You want your audience to think: I have a real need that I don’t know how to handle. I need help.
To figure out what to say in your introduction, ask yourself: Why is this talk important to the audience? Once you have an answer, then figure out the best way—a piece of art, a story, a joke, a song, some statistics, a poem, a film clip, or an object lesson—to share it.
In my speaking journey, I’ve found that a joke can fly with some groups and drop dead with the next. However, humorous stories from my own life, told with confidence and honesty, captivate every kind of audience! Not only does it allow the audience to have a window into my life and personality, but it also allows God to use tougher stuff from my past for his glory!
—Heather
Ha, Ha, Ha!
Do you feel comfortable telling jokes or funny stories in front of a group? If your answer is “not really,” then you’re part of a large group of Women Who Shy Away from Humor. In a systematic study of joke telling among college students, folklorist Carol Mitchell observed that college men tell most of their jokes to other guys, but they also tell many jokes to mixed groups and to women. In contrast, women tell most of their jokes to other women and very few jokes to groups that include men. Also, men were more likely to tell jokes in a group of four or more people, while women often flatly refused to tell a joke when more than four people were around, instead promising to share the joke later in private.13
As a woman in youth ministry, the trick is to discover your own sense of humor. Everyone has one. The key is to find it and fine-tune it. Maybe you’re a strong joke teller. Maybe you can tell stories about outrageous uncommon events (à la Kathy Griffin), or stories about typical everyday life (à la Caroline Rhea). Or maybe your humor is more dry and intellectual. Before you stand in front of a crowd, practice telling stories or jokes in small groups. Forced humor is awkward—for you and the students—but natural humor usually wins with a youth audience.
A Mist in the Pulpit
I heard a great saying: “A mist in the pulpit becomes a fog in the pew.” Doubly so with a youth audience! If you’re misty—unclear—in what you’re saying as a speaker, your students will be extra confused. Whether your message is in the form of a story (narrative preaching) or several main points (propositional preaching), can you summarize your main idea in one or two sentences? If not, then maybe your topic is too broad, and you need to spend more time clarifying your big idea.
Wave Your Hands in the Air
In every preaching class I took in seminary, I noticed the women tended to gesture less than the men. When women did gesture, their gestures were small, close to their body, and fairly limp.
Gesture and gesture boldly! Get your whole body involved in what you’re saying. Arms, head, legs, hands—your whole body is a communication tool. So use it.
Tape Yourself
The only thing more painful than hearing myself talk on a CD or cassette tape is watching myself on a DVD or videotape. Yet as my gym trainer used to say (to my annoyance), “No pain, no gain.” The next time you’re speaking, ask someone to record you—either on video or cassette. When you watch or listen to the tape later, you’ll learn all sorts of things about how you communicate. Personally, I’ve learned that I tend to twist the rings on my fingers, lean toward my right, and talk too fast. And the only way I could have learned about these bad habits is by seeing myself on tape.
There’s No I in Team
In youth ministry, women have an advantage over men when it comes to working with small groups: We tend to value unity and a sense of teamwork more than men do. This commitment to group cohesiveness starts at a young age.
A study by Marjorie Harness Goodwin reveals that young boys become leaders when they issue orders and get others to comply. In contrast, young girls demonstrate a preference for egalitarian leadership. They begin proposals with words like let’s and we to gain consensus and agreement from the entire group. In addition, when a girl makes a leadership decision, she is much more likely than her male counterpart to explain to the group the reasons for her decision.14
This emphasis on teamwork often makes it easier for women to create an atmosphere that is cooperative instead of competitive. The next time you’re leading a meeting, ask yourself: What can we do that makes us more of a community than a committee? Even if you’re not leading, ask yourself that question and share your ideas privately with the meeting leader beforehand.
As I lead my team of volunteer staff, I always try to find ways to add a fun sense of community to our group. It may be as extreme as loading them all into a 15-passenger van on a holiday like President’s Day and taking them three hours away from reality to play, laugh, and eat—or as simple as starting a monthly training meeting by asking, “When you were in junior high, which one of OUR junior highers were you most like?”
—Heather
Silence Isn’t Golden
Women tend to interrupt less, contribute less, and share fewer ideas in group discussions then men. Even when women have greater expertise than the men in the group, they are more hesitant to share their ideas.15 Is it because women have fewer ideas, or is it because we’re afraid to share them? I think the latter. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been chewing on an idea, wondering if I should share it with the group, when someone else (usually a man) shares the very same idea and gets a wildly enthusiastic response.
I make it a personal goal in any meeting, class, or gathering to share at least one thought. It doesn’t even have to be all that substantive. When is the retreat going to start? Should we send out a letter about that? How are we going to start the game? But at least I’m making a contribution. I’m getting used to hearing my own voice in the room. And it makes me more ready to speak up the next time I have an even better idea.
Don’t Keep Score
On my bad days, I enter meetings with a mental scorecard. How many “good ideas” do I have? Am I in the top 50 percent of contributors in the room, or (gasp, shudder) the bottom 50 percent?
“Women who find themselves unwittingly cast as the listener should practice propelling themselves out of that position…If they have something to say on a subject, they might push themselves to volunteer it. If they are bored with a subject, they can exercise some influence on the conversation and change the topic to something they would rather discuss.”16
—Deborah Tannen
On my good days, I try to picture the group as a community. Every person and every idea is valuable because they each contribute to the process of the community. That lame idea you share might be ignored by most others, but by suggesting a pickle-throwing crowdbreaker, you might trigger a great brainstorm in someone else. Your less-than-helpful idea might be the necessary springboard for true brilliance. That means your contributions are equally important to the final outcome.
Maybe Your Chromosomes Have Nothing to Do with It
Last week I learned something interesting about male/female communication. I was with a group of colleagues (eight male and two female, including me!), and we were debating the best way to phrase our objectives for meeting together. The other woman (we’ll call her “Robyn”) expressed some uneasiness about the wording of one of our objectives. I wasn’t quite sure what she meant, and apparently neither was the rest of the group. Someone else raised his hand to voice a suggestion and we ended up talking about his idea instead.
Yet I was still curious about what Robyn was trying to say. Just as I was about to ask her, “Robyn, I don’t think I quite got what you meant before. Can you please explain it again?” someone sitting next to her (we’ll call him “Phil”) offered a critique of one of our objectives. The rest of the group, including me, nodded as Phil made his suggestion. It was one of the best ideas in the last 30 minutes. I even said something like, “That’s a great idea.”
The only person who didn’t agree with Phil’s brilliance was Robyn. She muttered under her breath, “That’s what I said before. Why do only men get heard around here?”
Robyn’s gender had nothing to do with whether or not her ideas were embraced. It was her own communication skills that made the difference, not her chromosomes. It is certainly true that—at times—women are “less heard” in our culture than men. But before you throw down the “gender card,” ask yourself (and maybe someone else, too) if you’re the one with the communication problem.
Rapport Talk Versus Report Talk
As a rule, men tend to prefer “report talk” in which both people focus on the facts. The goal is to identify the problem and the best solution as quickly as possible.
In contrast, women usually prefer “rapport talk.” They talk about problems to discuss them, not necessarily to solve them. Often they don’t want resolution; they want a listening ear.17
As a youth worker, we need a healthy dose of both. All ministry boils down to relationships, so rapport talk is essential. Yet at times, we have to delve into the facts with students and help them make the best decisions.
Ask yourself this question: Right now, what dominates my one-on-one conversations—report talk or rapport talk? Now ask yourself: Which do I need to do more often? Remember your answers the next time you meet with someone.
If I am honest, most of my conversations tend to lean toward rapport talk—a tendency that works well in the junior high world. But I want my students to be balanced in their relationships and communication. So at the end of a deep rapport talk, I ask, “Knowing all that you shared with me, what can I do for you in the next week?” It forces students to think beyond the feelings and allows me to walk away with a tangible objective.
—Heather
Women and Conflict
Women in youth ministry often avoid conflict. We want to be “nice,” not “mean.” On the flip side, sometimes others don’t want to confront us about something because they don’t want to make us cry.
Neither approach is helpful—or biblical. Avoiding conflict is avoiding part of our leadership responsibility. Jesus teaches in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.” Paul admonishes us to speak the truth in love in Ephesians 4:15. When you feel like you need to talk to someone, do so, but not in anger. When someone comes to you, try not to be defensive. Listen, ask questions, and then explain your position. Better to be understood than to be loudly or quietly divided.
When Is It Gossip?
I’ve learned this about gossip: It’s not necessarily something you outgrow. The girls in our ministry aren’t the only ones who do it—the women do, too.
The girls in my small group often ask me: “When is it gossip?” My best answer: If it’s something you wouldn’t say if the person you are talking about is in the room, then it’s gossip. The same is true for us when we’re a decade or two (or three…) older. If we’re talking one-on-one with a student or adult, and they start talking about someone else, odds are good that you need to stop them by saying something like, “You know, it feels like we’re starting to gossip a little bit.” It may be juicy, but it’s just not worth it.
We must remember that we are honored to work with girls during this time in their lives. Never again will they face such a tumultuous time developmentally as they do in their adolescent years.We are privileged to come alongside them during this point in their journey! If there is a higher calling—I want to know about it.
—Megan
As someone who spends hours with teenage girls each week, I’ve come to embrace the wisdom of Mary Pipher. In Reviving Ophelia, Pipher warns that our society is a “girl-poisoning culture.” The messages of media, family, and friends are toxic to girls, contaminating their views of themselves, infecting them with greater self-hatred.
The only antidote is the grace of Jesus Christ. Learned from Scripture and experienced in community, the grace of Christ rescues girls from their cancer-like sin and self-loathing. There is no age limit to this antidote. The struggles and insecurities we deal with as women can only be cured (at least partially) through Jesus’ grace. May we love and serve girls in the spirit of C.S. Lewis who described leadership this way: “Think of me as a fellow patient in the same hospital, who having arrived a little earlier, could give some advice.”
Blast from the Past
A great resource for understanding and loving teenage girls is your own memory. When is the last time you flipped through family photo albums of when you were 14 or looked through your high school yearbook? If you can’t remember, it’s been too long. Dust off those pictures, drag out those home movies, and flash back to the ups and downs of your own life as a teenager. If you’re feeling really brave, invite some of your girls over and let them see your “old fashioned” clothes and hairdos.
Displayed in my office and home are photos of me in a variety of situations: prom (with my BIG 80’s hair!); as a child; a family photo taken in the 1970s; my wedding day; and yes, even the dreaded junior high phase. Students love this! It gives them a good glimpse of my story, so when I ask them about theirs, they’re not as threatened or timid.
—Megan
Philosophy + Context = Ministry
If I could wave a magic wand and help women in youth ministry learn a few things about ministry to girls, I would want us all to focus on two key questions. First, let’s think about our philosophy of ministry. What are we trying to accomplish? Why are those goals worth accomplishing?
Second, let’s think about our own ministry context. What kinds of students are in our ministry? What are their needs? What resources are available to meet those needs? When we combine our philosophy with our context, we come up with a framework for our ministry.
So when it comes to girls’ ministry, ask yourself: What is my philosophy? What is my overall goal or purpose? What values are connected to that goal? Now ask yourself: What are our girls struggling with right now? What people do I know (volunteer staff, parents, church members, community leaders) who can help them?
Once you’ve come up with some answers, you’re ready to design a framework for your ministry. By doing the hard work of defining your philosophy, you’ve ensured depth. By asking the tough questions about context, you’ve made sure that your programs are relevant to the girls in your community. It’s a good idea to revisit these questions every six months to see if anything has changed. After all, most of our current ministry problems are created by our own past solutions.
Separate But Equal
Is it just me or do teenage girls lose 20 I.Q. points when they’re around high school guys? Those who don’t get dumber certainly get more giddy and giggly. That’s why your ministry needs “girls-only” events. And we don’t just mean frilly, lacy teas. We mean top-notch gatherings that inspire your girls to be the women God has called them to be. Here are some of our best ideas:
Auto Mechanic Class
Do your girls know how to check their car’s oil and change a tire? Probably not. Give them more car savvy by having them dress in their grubby clothes and show up at your church parking lot for an auto mechanic class. If you can find a female instructor, all the better!
Your girls are dying to know what guys think, but they just don’t feel safe asking them on their own. Give them an opportunity to ask guys what they really think. Put together an all-male discussion panel. Make sure you invite guys who will be honest and consider including a few college guys for a broader perspective. You can even narrow the focus of your panel to a topic like love, sex, and dating. But if you do, make sure to invite married men to sit in on the discussion as well.
Self-Defense Training
In this culture, what girl doesn’t need to know how to protect herself? Invite a self-defense teacher to come speak to your girls and let them practice some of their best self-defense karate chops. Or better yet, invite moms, step-moms, aunts, sisters, and small group leaders, too.
Outer-Beauty Events
I want the girls in our ministry to know they are beautiful—inside and out. I tell them their outer beauty is like frosting on a cake. Ideally, frosting should enhance the flavor of the cake, but too much can ruin it. The same is true about outer beauty. Spending a little bit of time or money on make-up, hairstyles, and clothes will help people see their inner beauty. But if our girls devote too much time, money, or focus on their looks, they won’t have enough energy left over for developing their inner beauty.
So periodically I want to help our girls enhance their outer beauty. We’ll have seminars on skin care, make-up, exercise, nutrition, hairstyles, and even fashion shows. But when we do, we make sure to do two things: we offer ideas and products that are affordable, and we stress that ultimately what makes a girl most attractive is her personality, character, and love for others.
Okay, true confession: When I was in high school, I used to write down what I wore to school so I wouldn’t duplicate my outfits. (Isn’t it ironic that 15 years later my idea of a great weekend involves wearing the same sweats for 48 hours?!) What teenage girl hasn’t stood in front of her closet and scanned her clothes looking for The Right Thing to Wear?
To help your girls maximize their wardrobe without spending an extra penny, ask someone who knows something about fashion to conduct “home visits” for a few of your girls and show them how to make the most of the clothing they own. Ask her to help them create new outfit combinations and make good use of the black skirt that seems out of date or those jeans that just don’t fit right.
Make sure to videotape what she says, show the tape at a girls-only event, and then invite her to make some general comments about what all the girls can do to enhance the clothes they already have.
Father-Daughter Pitfalls
Many youth ministries schedule frequent father-daughter events—special dances, beach trips, and Saturday breakfasts just for dads and their girls. While these events can be fantastic opportunities for girls who have dads, they can be excruciatingly painful for those who don’t.
When I was welcoming dads and daughters at one Saturday father-daughter breakfast, a girl walked up alone. All of her friends were going to the breakfast, and she wanted to come, even though her dad had left their family years ago. She could barely look me in the eye as I welcomed her, and at one point during the breakfast, I saw tears running down her cheeks. We had even announced during the weeks prior to the event that we could pair girls with “dads for the day” if their dads couldn’t come. But she decided to brave it on her own. And while I’m proud of her for coming, I felt nauseous the entire morning.
I decided that day that I would never schedule a father-daughter event again. Maybe you disagree with me, which is fine. But if you do, please think through the kinds of girls you have in your ministry. How many of them don’t have dads around? Even if they don’t come to the event, how will they feel when you make announcements about it or when their friends are talking about it afterwards?
Sadly, the percentage of absentee moms or dads in the home is increasing. Obviously, we must be sensitive to this as we plan our events. We recently had a mother-daughter event where we advertised by saying “For girls only…and their moms, aunts, sisters, small group leader, or friends.”This took the pressure off, and we didn’t lose students over an event.
—Megan
Superwomen Series
There’s no denying that most of the people in the Bible are men. But note we said “most” and not “all.” There are some amazing female heroines of the faith. And the girls (and guys!) in your ministry deserve to hear about them. Sometime soon, do a Superwomen Series. Talk about Deborah, Abigail, Esther, Ruth, Mary (there are lots of them in the gospels; just pick one), and Priscilla. And when you talk about them, please don’t paint them as one-dimensional, “perfect” leaders. Show your students their three-dimensional ups and downs. That’s real life—both B.C. and A.D.
Quick Relationship Builders
The next time you’ve got 15 minutes while you’re watching TV or waiting for your meatloaf to come out of the oven, try these quick relationship builders.
Prayer Phone Calls: Wake up early, call a few of your girls before they head out the door to school, and ask them how you can pray for their day. Then pray together over the phone.
Audio Affirmation: Grab a tape recorder and a blank cassette tape, and record a five-minute affirming message for one of your girls. How many times do you think she’ll listen to it? If you answer 10, you’re guessing way too low.
Answering Machine Blitz: Lots of times we only call students when we want to invite them to an event or need something from them. Instead, try calling a girl’s voice mail or answering machine five times in one day just to say hello, you love them, you’ve been praying for them, and you hope their day went well.
Quick Notes: Most of the girls in your youth ministry are so eager to get mail, they’ll open envelopes addressed to “resident” and “occupant.” Sometime soon, grab some stationery and write a few quick encouragement notes, letting each girl know how much you appreciate them. That three-minute note is the kind of thing your girls will keep posted on their bedroom mirrors or folded on their nightstand for months.
Most of your girls feel like K-Mart in a Nordstrom world.
—Kara
Parent Affirmation: Most of the time when parents hear from teachers at school, it’s because their daughter has done something wrong. Make a parent’s day by writing a note or calling to tell them what their daughter is doing right.
Often after small group or church, I will walk a student out to the parking lot so I can meet their parent(s). I will shake the parent’s hand and totally brag on their son or daughter until the kid turns red! And you know what? It’s win-win for everybody. The parents know their teenager is being loved on, the student feels appreciated, and we (as the youth worker) get to keep loving on them!
—Megan
Normal or Not?
Much of what we do when we talk to girls is let them know that what they’re experiencing is normal. Doubt, anxiety, and fear of rejection are all normal parts of the search for identity that beats at the heart of being a teenager. In other words, we normalize what they pathologize.
Yet on the flip side, we may also need to pathologize what girls normalize. While mild bouts of depression are typical for teenage girls, frequent thoughts of suicide are not. While wishing you weighed fewer pounds is a near universal experience, losing 25 pounds in six weeks isn’t. Think of any sudden change in the behavior or appearance of one of your girls as a cry for help.
When You’re Over Your Head
From eating disorders to sexual addictions, if you spend much time with teenage girls, you’ll quickly realize you’re in over your head. If you think one of your girls is dealing with a problem that is beyond your ability to help, your best move is to refer her to a local counselor. Try to find someone who’s financially affordable (perhaps they’re willing to work on a sliding fee scale) and open to meeting with other members of the family as needed.
What to Do About Abuse
When you encounter a girl who has been abused (note how I said “when,” not “if ”), make sure you avoid common youth worker mistakes by following these tips. (These aren’t gender-specific; they also apply when you are caring for guys who have been abused.)
1. Be sure to tell her that while you value her privacy, you might not be able to keep what she shares confidential. Many women in youth ministry make an absolute promise to their girls that they’ll keep whatever is told to them confidential. When it comes to abuse, that’s impossible. When I sense a girl is getting ready to tell me about being abused, I usually say something like, “I so value what you’re telling me, and I want to hear more. But just so you know—in order to help you, I might not be able to keep what you’ve told me secret.” Usually by the time a girl is ready to tell me about her abuse, she’s so ready to tell someone that she’ll keep talking.
Read this e-mail from a sophomore in our ministry:
“Okay. I know you don’t know me, but I really need someone’s advice. Okay. About a week ago I cut myself real bad, and I was put in a hospital to get help. Well, when I left after about a week at the hospital I thought I was ready to go home and not cut myself. But now I realize that I still have the urge to cut myself more, but I don’t want to tell anyone I know because I feel like if I tell anyone I know that I will have to go back to the hospital. Now I haven’t cut myself yet, but I’m afraid that I might, and then I’ll have to go back to the hospital. What do you think I should do?”
This is a great example of someone who needs some serious help from a professional counselor. As this student’s youth pastor, I can love her, care for her, and speak truth to her—but I am not her therapist. It is my job to help her find the best professional care possible and hold her hand through her pain.
—Megan
2. Tell your supervisor about the abuse. If you’re a volunteer, talk to the youth pastor. If you’re the youth pastor, talk to the senior pastor. Hopefully your church has some sort of written policy describing how to respond to abuse situations; but even if it doesn’t, you need to bring your supervisor into the loop before you take any more action.
A great rule of thumb when a student asks, “Promise not to tell?” is to respond with: “I promise, as long as you are not a harm to yourself or others. I say this because I care for you and want what’s best for you.”
—Megan
3. Call Child Protection Services. While laws vary from state to state, odds are good that even if you’re a volunteer, you’re a mandated reporter. If you’re not sure, you can call Child Protection Services (or C.P.S.) anonymously, describe your role in your ministry, and explain what occurred to the student. C.P.S. will be able to tell you whether or not it qualifies as abuse and whether or not you need to report it. Keep in mind that even if you’re not a reporter, your supervisor probably is, in which case they will need to report it. ALWAYS remember that you are an advocate for children. Even if the abuser has moved away from the student, he or she may still have the opportunity to abuse others. Working with the correct state authorities, you can prevent this.
The American Association of University Women reports that 50 percent of girls experience unwanted sexual touching in school.18
Encourage Girls to Step up to the Plate
Many of the girls in your youth ministry have huge reservoirs of leadership potential just waiting to be tapped. All you have to do is look hard at their potential and then ask them to step up to the plate. Which of your girls are natural leaders? Which of your girls could be leaders if someone just encouraged them and gave them an opportunity?
Invite both types of girls to take some risks in your ministry. Ask them to organize your supply closet (that was my very first leadership job as a 15 year old), greet guests, or help you plan your next girls-only event. After all, while we think the best youth workers are also the best ministers, it’s not really true. The best youth workers are those who help others be the best ministers.
According to Patricia Aburdene and John Naisbitt in Megatrends for Women, female leaders in our culture have reached “critical mass.” And no, we’re not talking about our weight.
What is critical mass? For anyone who hasn’t brushed up on their physics lately, critical mass is defined as the point at which a process becomes self-sustaining. In geology, it’s when a few rocks falling volve into a down the hill elandslide. In teen-ology, it’s when a new slang word becomes so popular it’s now a common part of everyday language (which someday might happen to my made-up word: teen-ology).
As Aburdene and Naisbitt have surveyed the fields of medicine, law, politics, sports, and even religion, they concluded that by now enough women have entered these fields that people are not only accepting women, but they are also starting to assume they should be there working shoulder-to-shoulder with men. While that’s fantastic news for female youth pastors, in many churches, in many parts of the country, and in many denominations, people are slower to fully accept women in leadership. Maybe someday our gender won’t matter, but that day is still a few years—if not decades—off.19
We’ve come a long way from the words of the famous philosopher, Jean Rousseau, who wrote 200 years ago, “Women’s entire education should be planned in relation to men; to please men, to be useful to them, to win their love and respect, to raise them as children, care for them as adults, counsel and console them, make their lives sweet and pleasant. These are women’s duties in all ages; these are what they should be taught from childhood on.”20
So here we’re devoting extra time and energy to thinking about how to be the kind of youth pastor whose effectiveness and integrity earns others’ respect—regardless of gender.
More Power to You
In Real Power, Janet Hagberg suggests a fascinating paradigm for the development of powerful leadership. She believes there are six stages of power. The first three stages focus on external power—or power based on what others think of you. The last three focus on internal power—or power that flows from inside of you. While her conclusions are relevant to both men and women, we’ll apply them just to women.
Stage One: Powerlessness
At this stage women often get manipulated and, in turn, gain power over others by manipulating them. Think of Ethel Mertz from I Love Lucy— she never came up with any plans on her own; she was a pawn in that outrageous redhead’s schemes.
Stage Two: Power by Association
At stage two women gain power by being apprentices, either through official internships or unofficial mentoring. Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch is a great example here. Most of her power came only as she echoed her husband’s words, “Your father’s right, kids…”
Stage Three: Power by Symbols
The key at stage three is control. Power comes through salary, job titles, or name-dropping. A great example is Sydney from the television show Alias. She uses her physical power and the resources of “the agency” as the basis for her own strength.
Stage Four: Power by Reflection
At this stage women are transitioning from external power to inner power. This is the beginning of true leadership and deep exploration. C.J. Craig, the press secretary character on The West Wing, shows power by reflection—she’s not only willing to arrive at her own conclusions, but she also expresses them to other powerful leaders.
At stage five women gain a purpose that extends beyond themselves. Oprah Winfrey’s commitment to life transformation—for both herself and others—is a classic stage-five approach to leadership.
Stage Six: Power by Gestalt
At the final stage of leadership, women are peaceful, quiet servants who have enormous influence at broad levels. While very few women ever reach this stage, Mother Teresa provides an example of the humble strength that marks this final gestalt.21
What stage best characterizes you? What do you think it would take for you to move forward to the next stage? Here are some suggestions:
1. Regularly create some time and space for you to reflect. Make a cup of tea, find a comfy chair, and spend some time journaling or reflecting about who you are and who you are becoming.
2. If you’re an extrovert and learn more by talking to others, try asking some people who know you well to answer the same two questions about you: Who am I? and Who am I becoming?
3. Develop your own life purpose statement. Ask yourself two key questions: Who do I want to be? and What do I want to be?
4. Ask yourself: How much of my time is consumed by anger or fear? Anger and fear are two of the primary thieves of inner power.
5. Spend time with others who lead with inner power. What can you learn from them?
The Opportunity Pendulum
If you’re like me, your experience as a female youth pastor has been a mixture of hills and valleys. At times I have felt so affirmed as a pas-tor: I have been asked to be involved with certain events because they “needed a woman’s perspective.” I’ve been asked to speak at different camps and conferences because no woman had ever spoken there before and some progressive man felt like it was time (or past time) to have a woman speak. I’ve received job offers because churches and universities are embracing the idea of male/female partnership.
After a two-year journey from the intern, to the associate, to the junior high pastor, I was introduced to a group of senior pastors from local churches as the “Junior High Intern.” My heart sank. But as I walked toward the podium to give my presentation, I thought to myself, I know what I do, the kids know what I do, and God knows what I do. That’s all I need. That day, instead of being discouraged and annoyed, I presented my information with more passion and clarity than I ever had before.
—Heather
But other times it’s been tough. Sometimes it’s the little things—like people who stop by our student ministry office and assume I’m the secretary because I’m the first woman they see. Or when I went for my daylong interview to be licensed in my denomination and had two male candidates ask me where my husband was, assuming he was the one being licensed and I was just along for the ride. Other times it’s the bigger things, like when I came to one church as the first female college pastor and a few students and families left the church before they even met me, simply because of my gender.
Female youth pastors often swing back and forth on the opportunity pendulum. Sometimes opportunities are placed right in front of us because we’re female; other times they’re kept permanently just beyond our reach. If you’re swinging toward the side of great opportunities, keep in mind that each opportunity is a gift from God, not something you “deserved” or “earned.” If you’re swinging toward the side of few opportunities, remember that God cares more about who you are than what you do. And so do the people who love you the most.
Catch-22
There’s a strange Catch-22 for women looking for a job in youth ministry. On the one hand, many women don’t know where to look to find job openings. On the other hand, churches and ministries hoping to hire women don’t know how to find them.
There are some people and organizations that can help do some matchmaking. First, try your denomination’s regional or national headquarters. Odds are good they have a database that lists open positions and people looking for ministry jobs. Second, check out the job bank postings or post your own resume at www.youthspecialties. com. Third, contact the National Network of Youth Ministries at www.youthworkers.net and see if the regional or local coordinator in your community knows of any possibilities.
Behind Door Number One
Whether there are more or fewer leadership opportunities open for you, the critical thing is to find the ONE door—God’s door—and walk on in, sister.
To Ordain or Not to Ordain
There are denominations that ordain women, and then there are those that don’t. There are those that fall somewhere in between and technically they ordain women, but in reality it only happens once every leap year.
Where does your denomination fall? Find out today and decide if you’re comfortable with its position. If not, prayerfully consider whether you should work from within your denomination to bring change, or perhaps search for another denomination in which to serve. Know that if you and the folks in your denomination disagree about the role of women in leadership, you’ll probably be frustrated… and so will they!
Although I grew up and am currently in a denomination that is hesitant to ordain women, I have found a church that values and celebrates women in ministry. I am one of three female pastors on staff and am asked to preach to the overall congregation each year. I can marry couples and perform funerals. My opinion is sought out and heard. For me, it’s a great fit, and I am free to follow God’s call on my life in this encouraging environment, even without being ordained.
—Heather
Beyond the Church
Parachurch ministries are often more open to women in leadership—in both volunteer and paid positions. If you’re hitting a glass ceiling, try a whole new room. Check out Youth for Christ, Young Life, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Student Venture, and a whole bunch of other quality, parachurch ministries. Never, never, never give up.
Women at the highest levels of business are rare. They comprise only 10 percent of senior managers in Fortune 500 companies.22
A Dollar Is a Dollar Except If…
According to a finding from a recent study by the Pulpit & Pew research unit of Duke Divinity School (using data from a national survey of pastors in 2001), “Female clergy on average earn $6,500 less than male clergy, although average household income for female clergy is higher than for male clergy households due to working spouses.”23
Some women think that as long as their bills are paid, that’s fine. They didn’t go into ministry for big bucks in the first place. Others think that equal work demands equal pay. Whether or not they have a family and whether or not they are the sole breadwinner is irrelevant.
Both extremes are flawed. On the one hand, you may be setting a dangerous precedent for the women who follow you (women who aren’t as keen on Top Ramen and thrift-store shopping as you are). On the other hand, Jesus was more about sacrifice then entitlement.
My best advice is to find out the salary parameters that your church or ministry has set up for its staff. Then instead of asking for the same salary as “Joe” (which makes it personal), ask to be paid according to the established parameters.
Often times, youth ministers can take on a martyr syn-drome—“In order to REALLY serve the Lord, I need to work 95 hours a week and not get paid well for it.” But just because we work ultimately for eternal rewards doesn’t mean we should be cheated in our earthly rewards.
—Heather
The First Decade
In your first decade of ministry, God cares more about what he’s doing in you than through you. That’s so important—I’m going to say it again: In your first decade of ministry, God cares more about what he’s doing in you than through you. Actually, that’s true for every decade of your ministry, but it’s especially true in your first 10 years.
So if you’re a rookie, keep asking yourself: What is God trying to teach me? Even if I’m not seeing much fruit now, how is he trying to form my character to create a lifetime of fruitfulness? And if you’re beyond your first decade, keep that in mind as you talk to younger women who are taking themselves and their ministries a bit too seriously. Refocus them on who they are becoming, not what they are doing.
Be Professional
I wish it weren’t this way, but our culture still tends to assume men are the primary leaders. If you’re the youth pastor, one way to gain a bit more credibility is through professionalism. When you run meetings, do you show that you value others’ time by having a clear purpose and providing a printed agenda? Do you show up for meetings and events on time? Do you give students, families, and your volunteer team a few weeks’ notice before scheduling an event? Does the way you dress earn you respect? Or are you dressed so immodestly or so casually that others might not take you seriously at first?
Again, I wish it weren’t this way, but female youth pastors need to be more professional than our male colleagues. In some people’s eyes, the fact that we’re female already puts us in a hole, so we have to do extra work to climb out and stand on equal footing.
When I first entered into ministry, it was through the camping ministry door. My daily attire always included some sort of plaid, cut-off shorts, and flip-flops. I found out quickly that institutional (or church) ministry had a different dress code! After realizing the “unwritten” dress code was not a conspiracy against me and that I could still be who God created me to be—in dress slacks—I understood. You see, I have a switch. It can be flipped in any situation and produce change. When I am at an all-nighter with my kids, my switch empowers “Crazy Heather!” As I walk up front to lead communion for the congregation, the switch empowers “Serious Heather.” Both true. Both me. Both professional.
—Heather
The Poster Child
One of the difficulties of being a female youth pastor is that you become the poster child for women in youth leadership. Since our male colleagues don’t know a lot of female pastors, we become The Voice for All Women in Youth Ministry.
Sometimes I barely even know what I think, let alone what All Women in Youth Ministry think. If the pressure is starting to get to you, speak up. Let those around you know that your opinions are just that—your opinions. If they want to know what women in general think, they can’t base their conclusions on just you. Other women need to be integrated into the leadership circle.
All You Can Eat Lobster
According to Janet Hagberg in Real Power, women are like lobsters in a pail. Just as one woman starts to make her way out of the pail, other women who want to do likewise yank her hind claws and try to pull themselves out by using her as a ladder. The result? A massive heap of claws and shell fragments are left at the BOTTOM of the pail.
We women can be vicious to each other. We can be judgmental, and we can be jealous. We’re often harder on other women than we are on men, especially when we’re jealous of them. The next time you have a chance to criticize another woman in youth ministry, keep your mouth shut. Let her inch out of the pail. Or let her stand on your shoulders to get a head start.
The Honorary Man Syndrome
When I first graduated from seminary and started working at a church as a youth pastor, I worked on a pastoral team with seven pastors. Guess how many women were on the pastoral team? One total. Me.
Every Monday we went out to lunch together before our weekly staff meeting. Every Monday I intentionally wore pants. Why? On one level it was because I was tired of being the only one climbing into the backseat of a two-door Honda Civic in a skirt. But on a deeper level, I was tired of being different. I was tired of being the only one wearing a denim wrap-around skirt in a sea of navy and beige Dockers.
Whether you’re a volunteer or a professional, it’s easy to fall into the “honorary man syndrome.” You become an honorary man when you hide the parts of you that are “feminine” from the rest of the world. (Since coming up with a definition of feminine would take a whole separate book, we’ll let you define it for yourself.) From superficial things, like the way you dress and the words you use, to deeper parts of you, like the way you inherently treat people and the way you set priorities, the adults and kids you work with deserve to see ALL of you. When you hide part of yourself from them, not only are you robbing yourself, but you’re also stealing from them. Let your ministry see all of your colors: the masculine blues and greens and the feminine pinks and purples. The best pictures of your life involve the whole color palette.
The One with the Bra
I once worked with a male colleague whose standard line in meetings was, “The one with the bra takes the notes.” No joke.
It’s tempting to volunteer to be the note taker in the group. Men expect you to, and you’ve probably gotten pretty good at it. But try being a little slower to volunteer. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to be the secretary.
Handling Anger
As a female youth pastor, it’s only natural to get angry when you bump up against obstacles. Sometimes you might channel that anger at others. Other times you probably keep it pent up until it finally explodes. Neither method works very well.
The next time you’re angry about how you’re being treated as a woman (or anything else, for that matter), figure out what it is exactly that makes you angry. Did someone wrong you? If so, you have the right to be angry. But if not, then maybe it’s your own sin or “issues” that are fanning your fury.
Next, figure out the best way to express your anger. That probably means privately talking to the person who has wronged you.
Finally, ask God to help you forgive them. The greater the forgiveness, the greater the freedom. And while it may take time, it will be worth it.
Who’s Your Buddy? Who’s Your Pal?
As a female youth pastor, spend some energy building relationships with the following people:
1. The person who signs your check.
2. The person who answers your phone.
3. The person who cleans up after you and your ministry.
These three people have enormous power to make your life easy or to make your life difficult. You will not regret treating them well.
80/20
What are your spiritual gifts? Do you know? If not, then round up a spiritual gifts test, evaluate your own experience, and ask others to give you input about what you do well. Once you know the three or four things you do best, spend 80 percent of your time there. Spend the remaining 20 percent in your weak areas, finding other team members who are truly gifted in those areas to shoulder the bulk of the work. Much of being a female youth pastor is about being focused, so concentrate on your strengths and release others to be strong in your weak areas.
More Degrees Than Fahrenheit
You might guess that I, as someone with a Ph.D., am biased regarding education. And you would be right. The driving reason for my graduate degrees has been my sense that it was part of God’s call. A nice secondary benefit has been greater respect from both the men and women of my church. If you think God might want you to finish your college degree, aim for a Master’s degree, or maybe even go on to pursue doctoral work—do it. You can always quit if it’s too much. But at least you will know you tried.
Notes
12 A large portion of section 3 is based on a chapter Kara Eckmann Powell wrote for Breaking the Gender Barrier in Youth Ministry, edited by Diane Elliot and Ginny Olson (Wheaton, Illinois: Victor Books, 1995), pages 33-50.
13 Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation (New York: Ballantine Books, 1990), 89-90.
14 Ibid, 237.
15 Ibid, 127-129.
16 Ibid, 148.
17 Ibid, 77.
18 Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia (New York: Ballantine Books, 1994), 69.
19 Patricia Aburdene and John Naisbitt, Megatrends for Women (New York: Villard Books, 1992).
20 L.G. Smith, “Centuries of Educational Inequities,” Educational Horizons 60 (1981), 4-10.
21 Janet Hagberg, Real Power (Salem, Wisconsin: Sheffield Publishing Company, 1994)
22 Debra E. Meyerson and Joyce K. Fletcher, “A Modest Manifesto for Shattering the Glass Ceiling,” Harvard Business Review 1999, page 127.
23 Mark Wingfield, “Should free market determine pastors’ pay?” Biblical Recorder, February 28, 2003. Retrieved August 28, 2003, from:http://www.biblicalrecorder.org/content/news/2003/2_28_2003/ne2 80203should.shtml