Why Tom Hanks Needed Wilson The Volleyball: Networking
Growing up, my mom let me have my very own Christmas tree in my very own bedroom. Her one rule: I could only dress the tree with homemade decorations. I summoned all of my eight-year-old creativity to wad up tinfoil and to glue yarn to pieces of cardboard to make the ornaments. I formed a star for the top with bent pipe cleaners, Popsicle sticks, and a gallon of Elmer’s glue. The final touch was red and green construction paper loops that formed a chain of garland and covered the tree from tip to trunk. It was really the red-and-green chain that brought life to the tree. Without that chain, the tinfoil and Popsicle sticks would have looked pretty pathetic.
In the history of Christendom, it has been the chain of faith that has brought life to our tradition. The chain is formed by heroes of the past, strugglers of the present, and leaders of the future who pass truths—wrapped up in their own experiences—down the line to the next follower. The sparkly tinfoil of church fads somehow falls aside, but the tradition of passing down the faith—from individual to individual and from community to community—doesn’t end.
You are part of that chain. And so are the students you love. In this section, we’re going to discuss how to pass down our heritage and love for Jesus through mentoring relationships. When you mentor someone, you empower them. May you not only have mature folks empowering you, but may you also pass what you’ve learned down to the next generation.
The word mentor comes from The Odyssey, which was written by the Greek poet Homer. As Odysseus prepared to fight in the Trojan War, he realized he was leaving behind his one and only son and heir, Telemachus. Since “Telie,” as he was known, was a young adolescent (think junior higher), and since wars tended to drag on for years, Odysseus recognized that Telie needed someone to teach him how to be a king while Odysseus was off fighting battles. He hired a trusted family friend to be Telie’s tutor. And do you know the name of that trusted family friend? You guessed it—Mentor.
It Takes a Village
Many women in youth ministry think a “mentor” is a perfect guru who can spend two to three hours per week with her protégé, coaching her in everything from how not to get ripped off by auto mechanics to how to have a more intimate prayer life. Most of us don’t have someone like that in our lives. And when it comes to youth ministry, since many of us don’t have the time to really do that—and we certainly can’t do that for more than one student—we walk around feeling guilty for all we’re NOT doing.
We need a new picture of mentoring. You’ve heard the African proverb popularized by the Former First Lady, Senator Hillary Clinton: “It takes a village to raise a child.” (Maybe you’ve also heard the tongue-in-cheek version: “It takes a village to raise an idiot.”) The same is true with mentoring. There is probably a whole host of people who are currently empowering you. In the same way, you should view yourself as part of a large web of folks God uses to impact students. The results? You take yourself less seriously, you feel more freedom to have unique mentoring relationships with each student, and you’re more grateful for the people pouring into you.
Different Strokes
There is no one-size-fits-all mentor. Instead there are different types of mentors, each with their own, unique empowering purpose.
The most intense form of mentoring is discipleship. A discipler is highly committed to you and teaches you the basics of following Christ.
A less intense form is a spiritual guide or spiritual director. This person helps you make the decisions that are key to spiritual maturity.
A third type of mentor is a coach. As in athletics, a coach provides the motivation, skills, and application required to meet a specific task.
A sponsor is someone who shares the contacts, career guidance, and protection needed to move within an organization or arena.
The final and least intense form is a model. A model provides an example that inspires and teaches.
As you are both receiving and giving mentoring, identify what kind of relationship you have. Talk about it openly with the other person(s) involved. That way, you’ll have clear expectations and no one will expect too much or invest too little.11
Put It in Writing
Yesterday a woman in youth ministry approached me, “Kara, I know you’re really busy, but I’m wondering if you could maybe mentor me.” I told her what I tell every person who asks me that question: Please write down the areas in which you want to be mentored.
There are many advantages to asking people to be more specific about the kind of help they want from you. First, it helps them to think through their expectations for your relationship. Second, it lets you figure out whether you have the experience and expertise that matches their needs. When women or girls ask me to mentor them, at least 50 percent of the time what they really want is counseling, not mentoring. While I know a bit about counseling, I’m no expert. But I know people who are. So I’ll meet with them a few times and then give them a few phone numbers of qualified, inexpensive counselors in our area for ongoing follow-up. That way I get them the help they really need.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I believe it is impossible to have a true relationship with someone if you don’t respect them. The same is true with mentoring—it won’t happen without attraction, and attraction is based in respect. Before you ask someone to mentor you, or agree to mentor someone else, make sure you can think of at least one thing you respect about that person.
Bring With
Rarely go anywhere alone. Bring along the people you’re mentoring. From buying supplies for Sunday’s crowdbreaker to grocery shopping, the extra 15 minutes it takes to pick up or drop off a few students is worth it. They’ll remember the conversation you had as you walked down the aisle of a grocery store far longer than they’ll remember even your wittiest talk in front of the youth group.
One of my favorite parts of my ministry is attending the events of my kids! There’s nothing like the eighth-grade rendition of West Side Story or a color guard competition to remind me why I love junior highers! Recently, I’ve started to invite other kids from that same school or neighborhood to accompany me to the event. If the performing student and watching student are already friends, it brings great happiness to both. If they’re not yet friends, I often see a relationship start within weeks of the event!
—Heather
Dive In
In mentoring relationships there is a “swimming pool of vulnerability.” The person you’re mentoring will rarely go deeper than you do. When you stay three-feet deep, so will they. But when you go nine-feet deep, they’ll take a deep gulp of air and dive in with you.
Accentuate the Positive
If you’re mentoring someone in a particular task (like giving talks at your youth ministry), then make sure you accentuate the positive. It’s just as important for people to know what they’re doing right, so they can repeat it, as it is for them to know what they’re doing wrong. For example, after Jane gives her talk, ask: “What do you think you did well?” After she has shared, add some things that you think she did well. Then ask: “What do you think you should do differently next time?” Again, after she has told you what she didn’t do well, then you add your own opinions. Not only have you accentuated the positive, but you’re also giving the person skills to evaluate themselves for a lifetime.
Dear Abby Missed the Point
If you’re taking your mentoring cues from Dear Abby, you’re missing the point. The “Dear Abby” column is full of answers, but it doesn’t ask enough questions. When someone in your ministry asks for help, listen carefully, ask some questions, and then listen some more. Ideally, you should use questions to help that person figure out his or her own answers. Questions like:
What do you think your options are?
What do you think you should do? Then follow up with: What do you have to gain from doing that? What do you have to lose?
Think of someone you respect. What do you think they would tell you to do?
What would you tell someone else in your situation?
If, after going through several cycles of listening and asking questions, you think the student is still headed down the wrong path, then you owe it to them to speak up with your own advice.
My college mentor, Sherry, used to say to me, “Heather, no matter how one-sided a disagreement may appear, each person is contributing something to the tension.” So often kids go on and on about how awful and cruel their parents are—too strict, never pay attention to me, won’t let me date, hate all my friends, and so on. After listening and asking questions, I’m sure to ask, “Kelly, I can see how this is frustrating to you; but tell me, are you contributing to the tension?” After inspecting the carpet for a moment, Kelly usually confesses to slamming doors, sneaking out, throwing tantrums, and ignoring chores. Now we’re getting somewhere!
—Heather
Make It Mutual
When you’re mentoring someone, try to figure out something you can learn from them. One of the eighth graders I am currently mentoring is one of my evangelism heroes. She invites more people to dedicate their lives to Christ by accident than I do on purpose. Sure, I’m older and can help her in all sorts of areas from getting along better with her step-dad to what to do when someone offers her alcohol. But as a woman in youth ministry, I believe God places others in our lives to sharpen us and teach us how to love him more, whether they are 14 or 44 years old.
Just Between You and Me
Whether you’re the mentor or the one being mentored, make sure everyone involved agrees to keep quiet about what is discussed. And that includes sharing prayer requests that only serve to “pray someone in the back.”
A High Bar
Here’s a shocking statement: If someone wants to molest children or teens, there’s no better way for the molester to get access to them than through a church. Think about how lax we’ve become about protecting the kids in our ministry. Youth ministries are so hungry for volunteers that if someone wants to join our team, all they do is meet with the youth pastor and fill out an application. Ten days later we entrust them to drive kids around, counsel them at restaurants, and maybe even have a slumber party with them.
I’m all for relational ministry—I’ve got eight girls coming to my house for pizza tonight. And I want the other leaders and mentors in our ministry to hang out with kids as well. But in order to protect your students, make sure you do the following:
1. When someone is applying to be a volunteer in your ministry, ask for references. Contact two to three people who know them well and ask: What would make this person a good mentor or leader? What concerns would you have about this person serving as a leader in a youth ministry? What else do I need to know about them?
2. Approach your church about investing the time and money required to work with local police agencies and use fingerprinting as part of your screening process.
3. Teach your mentors and leaders that they should avoid going anywhere alone with a kid—even a kid of the same sex. Try to have another student or leader present in your car or at the coffee house. If you need to talk one-on-one with a kid, make sure their parents know about it and do it in a public place. Even our most innocent intentions can be misunderstood by teens or their families.
When trying to implement a policy like this, sometimes we worry about how a parent may be inconvenienced or upset at having to drive their child to meet us. Before asking the parent, remind yourself WHY the policy is in place—for the protection of the child (and you!)—and communicate that same reasoning to the parent when setting up the one-on-one. I find that 98 percent of the time, parents are so incredibly thankful that we care that much about their kid, they are delighted to drive him or her anywhere!
—Heather
A Book Is Worth a Thousand Words
If someone asks me to mentor them and I don’t have the time, I ask them to name some areas of their life where they’d like to experience growth. Then I try to suggest a few magazine articles or books that could help them in those areas. After they’ve finished reading, we try to meet so I can help them process and apply what they’ve learned. Thanks to their time spent completing the reading assignment, they get deeper insights, and I get more time with my family.
R.I.P.
Some of my favorite mentors are dead. I’ve never even met them, but their biographies and autobiographies have changed my life. The next time you want to read a good book, choose one written about Henrietta Mears, Hudson Taylor, Dawson Trotman, or Watchman Nee. While you will never meet them face-to-face, your soul will never be the same.
Should We Stay or Should We Go Now?
Every few months, evaluate your mentoring relationship. Ask the following sorts of questions: Where does this relationship need to head? Given this, what are we doing well? What needs to change? If you can’t come up with good answers to those questions, then maybe it’s time to stop meeting together. Both of you probably have better things to do with your time.
Networking. It’s quite the buzzword—both in secular and Christian circles. But what does it really mean? Simply put, it means coming together to do what we could not do ourselves.
It’s easy to feel isolated when you’re the only one in the room wearing a skirt. And whether you’re a volunteer or a professional, you’ve probably felt a little “different” from the men around you (and even some of the women!). One of the greatest advantages of networking is that it reminds us we’re not alone. You need to network with at least one other woman who can remember the lyrics to the song in your heart—and sing that song to you when your memory fails.
Our Southern CaliforniaWomen’s Youth Network (WYN) has been meeting every two or three months since 1996. The mission for our WYN is threefold: to encourage, to equip, and to connect with one another. We draw women, as well as a few men, from San Diego to Visalia (which, if you’re not familiar with California geography, is about a 300-mile spread). It’s always great to have the men there. I’m not sure if they’re there to spy on our secret deliberations, to pick up women, or what; but hey, they get exposed to some of the needs and concerns of women in ministry.
Because of the growing interest, we’ve divided our Southern California Network into three smaller regions: San Diego, North San Diego, and Orange County/Los Angeles. The regions meet four to six times a year and have anywhere from 10 to 30 folks in attendance at their meetings.
We often gather all three southern California networks together for an annual one-day conference for women in ministry and high school girls. Those events usually draw 300 to 400 women and girls, all eager to be encouraged, equipped, and connected. To find out more, check out www.womensyouthnetwork.org.
Burned Out
Don’t fool yourself. You can’t do it alone. Check out this story and—even though it’s about a man—it will speak volumes to you, too.
A member of a thriving church, who had been attending services regularly, suddenly stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to pay the man a visit. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire, trying to beat back the chill of the evening. Guessing the reason for his pastor’s visit, the man welcomed him and led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace.
It was 1998, when I first stepped foot into a Woman’s Youth Network meeting. Feeling alone in my youth ministry field and hungry for connections, this was a refreshing place to be. I met at least a dozen other women who likewise found companions of encouragement in this network! Six years later, I still partner with the WYN and am often reminded that I am not alone.
—Megan
The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he stared at the dancing flames and burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent.
The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the lone ember’s flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead. Neither man had spoken since the initial greeting. The pastor glanced at his watch and, realizing it was time to leave, slowly stood up, picked up the cold dead ember, and placed it back in the middle of the fire.
Immediately it began to glow once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it. As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, “Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday.”
Twenty Minutes Makes All the Difference
One of the best ways our ministry networks its women together (and men, too) is to meet in a room adjacent to our youth room for 20 minutes before our Sunday and Wednesday services start. The purpose of the meeting is sharing and prayer. We share what’s going on in our own lives, or in the lives of our students, and then pray for each other. Those 20-minute meetings have become the glue in our staff community, allowing us to pray for people looking for jobs, struggling with their own kids, or dreading going back home for Christmas. We make sure we have at least one adult in our youth room to greet students and to make sure our junior highers don’t break anything while we’re off praying.
Who’s Your Sister?
Who’s that woman in youth ministry that you’ve put on your one-day-when-I-have-time-I’ll-call-her-so-we-can-grab-coffee list? You know the one I’m talking about. That woman you respect and who seems like too much fun. Today is the day to call her up and pick a time to meet. Networking starts small, and it starts now.
I met Marla at one of our volunteer staff meetings and from the moment I met her, I knew we’d be Ya-Ya sisters! It started with a walk one (very!) early morning. Now it is a weekly hang time of praying for each other, studying Scripture, sharing vulnerably, or laughing our heads off at something that happened that week. Months before, I began praying for a “sister/mentor,” and she was it.
Yes, she’s older than me, but you know what? I DIG that! She is a mother of two grown children; I am due with our first. She has lived in the same house for 25 years; we just bought our first. She is incredibly disciplined; I pray for self-control! We’re just two women in youth ministry—but together we are learning how to hold things loosely, care for our husbands better, and love students to Jesus.
—Megan
No Students Allowed
Try scheduling an event just for the women volunteers in your ministry. No students allowed. Grab coffee after your midweek service or lunch after church on Sunday. Get to know each other as women, not just as youth workers. Not only will you benefit, but so will your ministry. Instead of just hearing about the Acts 2 community in the first century, students will see real community in the twenty-first century.
Don’t Splash Around in the Shallow End
Whenever you’re with another woman in youth ministry, take advantage of it! Don’t just talk small talk; talk BIG talk. Ask her what books have helped her lately or what new struggles her girls are dealing with. Ask meaningful questions, listen, and then ask some more.
Prayer Partners
Ask the women in your youth ministry to write their name and a prayer request on an index card every few weeks. Next, have them exchange cards with another woman. Invite them to post that prayer card in a place where they’ll see it regularly, like on a car dashboard or a bathroom mirror. Not only will the women in your ministry start to get involved in each other’s lives, but they’ll see how God gets involved, too.
Staff Pals
Do you remember when you started in youth ministry? You probably felt what most women feel: a mixture of “I’m So Excited” (to quote the Pointer Sisters) and “Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?” (to quote the Clash). That’s exactly how women feel when they walk into your youth ministry for the first time. Help them step over their fears and into real ministry faster by assigning them a staff pal. Pair every new woman with a more mature volunteer who can introduce her to students, sit next to her as she’s learning the ropes, and answer any questions she has. A better entry into your ministry will shorten the learning curve by several weeks and hopefully lengthen the amount of time that volunteer stays with your ministry.
Cast a Wide Net
What other women do you know who care about students at your church?
What other churches do you know in your area? Start keeping a list of women who share a passion for hanging out with sixteen year olds over fruit smoothies. It will come in handy if you ever want to pull them all together.
Men—Can’t Live with Them…Can’t Live without Them
Lots of men in youth ministry want to empower and support their female coworkers and volunteers. They just don’t know how. That’s where you come in. Call them and see if they’d like to invite the women in their ministries to a meeting with your growing list of women in youth ministry.
To find out more about other churches, youth workers, or networks in your area, check out www.youthworkers.net or call the National Network of Youth Ministries at 858-451-1111.
Offer Meetings Worth the Time and the Drive
Let’s face it—the last thing any of us needs is another meeting. Whether you’re meeting with two women at Denny’s or 15 women in your youth room, offer meetings that are worth the time. Start by giving women a chance to get to know each other through a few share questions.
Spend the next 30 to 45 minutes in some kind of killer training. The best training topics are those that intersect with women’s personal lives as well as their ministry lives. Find the person (male or female) who is best qualified, lives locally, and is available to lead discussions on the following sorts of issues:
Counseling girls
Teaching and speaking
Small group ideas
Prayer in the life of a youth worker
Training other leaders
Developmental needs of teens
Youth Culture
Integrity
Male/female partnership
Spiritual gifts
Campus ministry
Set aside the last 15 minutes for prayer. Women love to huddle together to share personal or ministry burdens.
Notes
11 Adapted from Connecting by Paul D. Stanley and J. Robert Clinton (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992).