Beneath The Façade: Temptations And Insecurities
As soon as I read these two words in the Ph.D. catalog, I knew it was the degree for me: practical theology. I had never seen the phrase before, but it immediately resonated with me. Some people joke that “practical theology” is an oxymoron, just like “military intelligence” or “jumbo shrimp.” Instead, I counter that it’s a redundancy. Our theology is inherently practical. Every aspect of our lives, from how we treat the planet to how we treat other drivers, is shaped by what we think about God.
A couple of years ago, my husband Adam and I had the unique privilege of going to Israel. Naturally, we visited numerous sites we had read about in Scripture. One site in particular was an eye opener—a first-century synagogue in Capernaum where both Peter and Jesus taught. One of the things that struck me was the architecture. There was an upper galley where the women would sit and talk or gossip with their friends, and a lower level where the men would listen, intent on the message. Why is this? Because the men were educated, the women were not. Women living in the first century did not understand what was being taught, so they chatted with their friends throughout the service. Heck, I would too if I didn’t have a clue what they were saying! I think that’s why Paul wrote to Timothy that a woman should remain silent in the church. Today we are free to teach the wonderful truths of Scripture for we are now free to speak with the amazing gift of a theological education. Praise God!
—Megan
When it comes to women in ministry, our theology and our practices are intricately connected to one another. So if we’re going to have better practices, we need better theology. Whether you’re a theological novice or a veteran fluent in the original Greek, it’s time to wrestle with the tough questions about women in leadership until you pin down some answers.
Start Local
Have you ever looked your senior pastor right in the eyes and asked him or her what they think about women in ministry? Are there any positions of leadership they think women shouldn’t hold? If so, why? If not, why not? Make it your goal to listen, ask some questions, and then listen some more.
The Wesleyan Quad
John Wesley, the wise nineteenth-century pastor and theologian, taught that there are four ways to experience divine revelation: through Scripture, tradition, reason, and experience (see, I told you he was wise). We now call these four resources the Wesleyan Quadrilateral. When you’re talking to folks about theology, try to see what side of the quadrilateral they use the most. Is it the Bible?
Church tradition? Their own common sense? Or their own experience? Decide for yourself if any one side of the Quadrilateral is more important than the others, and weigh the evidence accordingly.
It’s Greek to Me
How much time have you spent studying the key passages about women in leadership? Less time than you’ve spent shopping for shoes in the last month? If so, then it’s time to bust out some books and do your homework.
There are two basic positions. On one extreme, the Complementarian view argues that while men and women are equal, women have different leadership and teaching responsibilities in the church. On the other extreme, the Egalitarian view believes that gender does not influence divine call; God can (and does) call men and women to serve in any and every church leadership position.
No matter what size church you come from, no one person can serve as THE youth pastor to all the students who attend. At our church we tell each small group leader—male or female—“You are a student’s youth pastor, you are their shepherd.” I’ve learned that regardless of job title, status, or gender, every student needs a pastor in their life to love on them, care for them, and ultimately show them Jesus.
—Megan
Both sides are committed to the authority of Scripture. Both sides have tried to figure out the meaning of the original Hebrew Old Testament and Greek New Testament. The Complementarian view usually focuses on four texts, starting with 1 Corinthians 11:2-6, which teaches that the “head” of the woman is the man. Other primary texts are 1 Corinthians 14:33-35, which says women are to keep silent in the church; 1 Timothy 2:11-15, where keeping silent in the church is defined as refraining from teaching; and Ephesians 5:22-23, where Paul argues for different roles in a marriage.
The Egalitarian view also takes these texts seriously, but it begins from a different starting point. In Genesis 1–2, God makes both male and female in his image. In Genesis 3:16, the subordination of women is not prescribed as ideal, but rather predicted as a consequence of sin. Moving to the New Testament, in Galatians 3:28, Paul teaches that the hierarchies between Jew and Greek, slave and free, and male and female evaporate in light of Jesus Christ. In 1 Corinthians 11 and Acts 21:8-9, women are allowed to pray and prophesy in the early church. Given these texts, the Egalitarian view argues that the passages often used by the Complementarian view are heavily influenced by the particular culture involved in those epistles. Regulations on women in leadership are the exception, not the norm.
Which of these views is closest to your own? Why? Or do you have a completely different way of looking at it? Whatever you decide, your brain will be grateful for its aerobic workout.
Don’t Know Much About History
An important principle in understanding scriptural passages about women in leadership is the principle of history. Divine revelation always occurs in the context of a specific culture. The ultimate divine revelation, Jesus himself, modeled this by entering into Palestinian culture and adopting its dress, language, and metaphors. For each city Paul wrote to in his epistles, take some time to understand the culture and their explicit and implicit guidelines for Jewish women. That knowledge just might unlock some of the mysteries that surround women in leadership.
Inside the Boundaries
What boundaries do you have for women in leadership? Are you comfortable with—
Women serving in the background?
Women meeting one on one with other girls or women?
Women being small group leaders?
Women “sharing” in front of a group?
Women being teachers?
Women being youth pastors?
Women being senior pastors?
Women being czars of the world?
Regardless of your answers, do your best to help women develop WITHIN those boundaries. Develop the best female small group leaders you can. Coach women how to speak to youth or to the entire church. Encourage girls to consider becoming senior pastors. Given the width of your boundaries, what can YOU do to encourage and empower women?
Start a Book Club
If you’re like me, you learn best when you study alongside others. Invite some others to join you in a theological book club. Photocopy articles or swap relevant books about women in ministry and then meet monthly to discuss them. You might like it so much that you move to other topics and meet indefinitely.
Be Passionate, Not Mad
Once you’ve decided what you believe about women in youth ministry, let others know about it. But speak the truth in LOVE. In God’s eyes, how you treat others who disagree with you is probably more important than whether or not you “win them over to your side.”
Before I got married one of my heroes of the faith, Lori Salierno, said to me, “Megan, make sure you marry someone who wholeheartedly supports your role as a female in ministry…make sure he is your greatest cheerleader.” A few years later, I met my Adam. Adam is my greatest cheerleader in ministry! In our six years of marriage, Adam has never held me back from my calling to kids. He empowers me to do exactly what God has led me to do without reservation. It is so freeing. I can’t imagine doing what I do without his support and enthusiastic spirit. I dig that.
—Megan
Think Ahead
When preparing for a potentially difficult conversation, Abraham Lincoln spent a third of his time thinking about what he was going to say and two-thirds of his time thinking about what the other person was going to say. I can’t think of better advice when it comes to talking about the theology of women in leadership. Know your own position, but also think ahead about what the other person might say. How would you respond to their position? What are its strong points? What are its potential weaknesses? Thinking this through in advance will bring greater depth to your conversation.
In the world of ministry, so much can happen in one day that I find I can talk and talk and TALK my husband’s ear off without ever asking him, “Hey honey, how was your day…what’s going on in your world?” Without pausing to ask this important question, it can often feel like it’s all about me. (Which, let’s face it, feels good sometimes, right?) But the truth is, checking in is a two-part deal, my deal and his. Be aware of the asking as well as the telling.
—Megan
Be Prepared for Mixed Messages
It’s amazing how many men have “no theological problem” with women in leadership yet they “don’t feel comfortable with it” themselves. Or vice versa—they want women to serve in leadership positions in their own ministries and churches, but they don’t think Scripture supports it. While none of us is 100 percent consistent in our beliefs and actions, gently point out the mixed messages and see what they say. You might just start a great conversation.
What Do a PDA and a Pacifier Have in Common?
Do you know? Can you guess? Give up? Okay, I’ll tell you—ME! For the last three years, the two items most vital to my very survival have been my Palm Pilot and a Nuk. I don’t leave home without them. One keeps my schedule in order; one keeps my babies in order. Okay, Okay, pseudo-order.
If you have kids, this section will help you make sense of the topsy-turvy world of mom and ministry. And if you don’t have kids yet, flip through the pages anyway. You know others who do. The moms of the girls you work with are hip deep in the delight and despair of family life. The more you understand them, the more you can speak their language. Plus, someday you might have your own kids, and it’s never too soon to pick up a few pointers.
My husband Adam is a hydro-geologist. Yep, you read it correctly, a hydro-geologist. In short, he works with water and rocks. While it took me two years to figure out what exactly he does, it also took me a while to figure out that his way of doing ministry and my way are different. At first I tried to have him do ministry the way I did. You know, just jump right in…connect with every student …work the room! But I quickly recognized that while I was “connecting” with every student, he would connect with just one, and he could stay with that one for hours! It amazed me. Was he still doing ministry? You bet. It just looked different from they way I did it. But here’s the amazing thing: youth ministry needs both types of people. I am an expert at making students feel welcomed; he’s an expert at going deep with one. And together, it works!
—Megan
True/False: Marriage Hurts Your Ministry
I love asking college students this question. They almost always say true. Being married means less time out with students and fewer late-night donut runs. So yes, I spend about 30 percent less time with students now that I’m married.
But here’s the catch: the time I spend is so much richer. Why? Because my relationship with my husband makes me a deeper person. So while I spend 30 percent less time with others, the time I do spend is doubly effective. So in reality, marriage CAN help your ministry. Do the math.
Check In Often
My husband and I talk three or four times each day while one or both of us are at work. I gather that’s rare, but it shouldn’t be. If we didn’t touch base with each other during the day, then by the time I came home from my girls’ small group at 9 p.m., I’d have to recap the whole day—starting with the fact that our two year old watched his first Sesame Street episode that morning and ending with the tough questions my girls asked about oral sex. I’d never remember everything, and I’d miss important details—about both our family and our ministry. Plus I’d get agitated or resentful that he wasn’t with me to share it all. A few 10-minute phone calls each day make all the difference.
Your Husband’s Calling
Since you’re active in ministry, it’s easy to forget that your husband has his own ministry calling. His call to work with two year olds, or international missions in Zimbabwe, or two year olds in Zimbabwe, can easily get pushed aside by the in-your-face demands of youth ministry. Make sure your husband is using his spiritual gifts in tangible ways every week. And if that means you go to one less Bible study or spend an hour less working on your Wednesday night talk, it’s worth it—both for the kingdom and for your marriage.
My Husband Dislikes Youth Ministry
True confession time: My husband Dave, who is just about flawless, doesn’t like junior high ministry. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in it; it’s not that he doesn’t think it’s vital. It’s just that he doesn’t particularly like junior highers—at least not in large numbers. While he likes the girls in my small group when they come over to our house, junior highers in larger numbers scare him. When he walks into our junior high room, his spine stiffens and his voice changes. My husband, who can skillfully navigate his way through any executive board meeting or complicated engineering procedure, gets freaked out by eighth graders.
“When I hope that the precious people in my life can exist without me, that’s a sign of real trouble.”
—Bill Hybels
If the same is true for your husband, that’s okay. If your husband is like mine, he likes and loves YOU. He likes and loves that you are called to work with students. So while he may hardly ever peer into the youth room, he can still support you every minute before you step into that room and every minute after you step out of it. Pray together, strategize together, brainstorm together. Your husband can and should be your number one fan even if he’s rarely in the room with you when you’re doing ministry.
When I first started out in ministry, I thought, “What a life! I can make my own hours, meet students when I want, and never bring ‘work’ home.” I seriously separated church life and personal life. While this sounds lovely, it’s totally ineffective. Why? Because working with students is life-on-life stuff. It’s your world intersecting with the life of a teenager. It’s allowing them to see you—really see you. This happens in the everyday stuff. Making dinner, running errands, changing dirty diapers, even allowing them to see you in the frustrating moments. That’s the essence of the “Bring With” principle. Ever since I opened myself, my life, our home, and our family to students, ministry has never been so rich and effective!
—Megan
The “Bring With” Principle
One of my favorite verses about ministry comes from the Apostle Paul. He writes to the people in 1 Thessalonians 2:8 that he loved the Thessalonians so much that he shared more than just the gospel, he shared his very life.
I love that phrase: “our very lives.” As much as you can, combine your time spent with teenagers with family time. Do you have to go grocery shopping? Invite someone you’re mentoring to go with you. Are you going to spend an hour at your nine-year-old’s soccer game? Take a teenager with you. Not only are they spending time with you, but they’re also seeing your family in action. And depending on their family background, that might be even more valuable to them than time spent alone with you.
“I Don’t Know How You Do It”
Have those words ever been directed at you? “I don’t know how you do it.” A husband, kids (your own, not the students), more kids (the students, not your own), a house to manage, a career to build, a family calendar to keep, friends to maintain…just making the list is exhausting, let alone living it.
More than most, Kate Redman knows just how exhausting it can be. She’s the fictional character in Allison Pearson’s hit novel, I Don’t Know How She Does It. The opening scene captures the tension between the job you do in your house and the job you do outside of it.
Monday, 1:37 a.m. How did I get here? Can someone please tell me that? Not this kitchen. I mean in this life. It is the morning of the school carol concert, and I am hitting mince pies. No, let us be quite clear about this, I am distressing mince pies, an altogether more demanding and subtle process.
Discarding the luxury packaging, I winkle the (store bought) pies out of their pleated foil cups, place them on a chopping board and bring down a rolling pin on their blameless floury faces. This is not as easy as it sounds, believe me. Hit the pies too hard and they drop a kind of fat-lady curtsy, skirts of pastry bulging out at the sides, and the fruit starts to ooze. But with a firm downward motion—imagine enough pressure to crush a small beetle—you can start a crumbly little landslide, giving the pastry a pleasing homemade appearance. And homemade is what I’m after here. Home is where the heart is. Home is where the good mother is, baking for her children.1
I wish I could sit down with Kate over Mocha Frosted Lattes and tell her that the pace she’s trying (emphasis on trying) to keep is insanity. That she can only be great, truly great, in a few things. Pick those few things wisely, and let everything else slide. If you bring store-bought desserts to your child’s school (or—gasp, shudder—no dessert at all), who cares? In the light of eternity, does it really matter if you have Lego Duplo blocks strewn around your living room and your kid’s bacteria colony science project sprawled across your dining room table when the in-laws come over? I want to be a great lover of Jesus, Dave, and my kids (in that order). Everything else is just gravy.
Creative Ways to Get a Few Hours with Your Kids
With 24 hours a day, seven nights a week, and two days off a week, why is it still so hard to find time with your own kids? Here are a few ideas to get you some quality and quantity time with your family.
Couch Time
Ever since I can remember, my husband and I have had Couch Time. What exactly is it? It’s the first 15 minutes after he walks through the door after work. Mellow music is often playing in the background and we sit on our comfy couch for 15 minutes unwinding and hugging. It’s wonderful! Sound unrealistic? I dare you to try it! Your kids may think you’ve lost your marbles at first, but slowly they will learn that this is “mommy and daddy time” and adjust accordingly. There is nothing more comforting to a child than to know mom and dad are secure, in love, and solid. NOTHING. Couch time is just 15 minutes! Try it for a couple weeks. I dare you.
—Megan
Ditch Day
Skip church sometime. Just ditch. Take your kids to a park, a mall, or out for ice cream instead. Don’t run errands. Don’t nag. And don’t lecture. Talk, laugh, ask questions, and listen. You’ll probably feel guilty for skipping church. But that’s your own hyperactive I-gotta-serve gland. Don’t be so busy ministering to other people’s kids that you end up forgetting your own. Please.
Date Night—with Your Kids
Set aside a night every week as date night. Sometimes your family can do one event together; other times you can split up the kids between you and your husband. Let the kids choose what you’re going to do. And then do it—without checking your watch or making calls on your cell phone.
An Hour a Week
Set an appointment with each of your kids for an hour per week. They choose what you do together: basketball, Barbies, and banana splits—they’re all fair game.
Birthday Dates
Every month, take your child out for a special treat on the date of her birthday. For example, if she was born on September 20, then on the twentieth of every month, take her out for a donut before school, an ice cream after school, or a burrito for dinner. This way you know that every month you’ll have face time with each of your children.
Family Vacations
When my younger brother got married, I wrote him a letter (a long letter) explaining what I appreciated about him and listing some of my fondest memories of our time together. Over two-thirds of those memories came from family vacations. We lived together, ate together, and shared a bathroom 365 days per year, but what really stands out is playing “go fish” in Yosemite, destroying an inflatable raft in Hawaii, and his smelly shoes in France. Plan ahead and schedule a few family vacations every year. If money is tight, go camping or stay with friends. But get away.
Creativity at Home
Why is it that we can come up with all these great party ideas and games for our youth ministry, but then we eat the same pasta in the same boring dining room night after night at home? It’s too bad we exhaust our creativity bank account with our youth group so we are bankrupt when we walk into our own house. Think about fun things you do with your youth group and try them with your own kids. Go with your kids to kidnap a friend for breakfast in their pajamas, surprise your kids by inviting their friends over for dinner, or bake cookies (or brownies if you’re really short on time) and deliver them to your kids’ friends. Show your kids that your zany ideas are for family, too.
The 15-Minute Housecleaning Rule
Have you been meaning to clean out your refrigerator but don’t have the time? Are you still wearing shorts in December because you haven’t had time to bring out your winter clothes and put away your summer outfits? Start breaking down your housecleaning jobs into 15-minute increments. Sure, you don’t have the 45 minutes you need to properly clean out your refrigerator, but you might have 15 minutes while the taco meat is simmering to clean out the fruit and vegetable drawers. You don’t have the hour you need to sort through your entire dresser, but you do have 10 minutes to organize your socks. Ten minutes here; 15 minutes there; it all adds up to a cleaner and calmer home.
1-800-GOODWILL
I used to hate cleaning out my house because I’d end up with bags full of donations for Goodwill. Having no place to store the bags, they’d end up stacked on top of my husband’s tools in the garage. For months. Until finally my husband couldn’t take it anymore and he’d drag the bags in front of the house for anyone to take.
But all that changed when I learned that Goodwill is willing to come to our house ANY time to pick up donations. You probably have an Amvets, a Disabled Veterans Organization, or a Goodwill center in your area that provides the same service. Now I have one area in the garage where we put our donations, then every few months I call Goodwill and they come a day or two later. Much better for our garage. Much better for our marriage.
The Mighty Crockpot
If you do NOTHING else in this book, trying this one tip will save you one to two hours per week. Buy a slow-cooker. Get some recipes, either from a cookbook or from Crockpot recipe Web sites. In 10 minutes you can slice up the food, shove it in the slow-cooker, and then leave it alone for four to eight hours until Voila! Dinner is ready. And it’s almost always enough dinner for two evenings. Some people say the food is too mushy, or it all tastes like carrots, but hey, for two inexpensive, healthy dinners in 10 minutes, I can grow pretty fond of mush and carrots.
Light a Candle
The ONLY thing I like about the time change in the fall, when it gets dark around 5:30 p.m., is candlelight dinners. For the price of a $5 candle and the seven seconds it takes to light the candle, our family gains a more relaxing atmosphere. The kids are better behaved, we have deeper conversations, and we linger longer over dinner.
Sixty Minutes and Some Java
Even when you’ve had one of those no-good-rotten-terrible-very-bad days, almost everything gets better when you spend an hour in a coffee house. Go late at night when your husband gets home, or pay for daycare for that hour. But grab a book and get some time for yourself. (I should know. I’m sitting at my favorite coffee house as I write this.)
My single friend once summarized, “Life is like swimming laps. Married women have their husbands and families as floatation devices. They go slower, but they can stay afloat longer. Single women are sleek and can glide through the water faster. But without the floaties, their arms get pretty tired.”
As a former single person (and a former swimmer), I could relate to her metaphor. And if you’re single, you probably can, too. You’ve got a more flexible schedule and more time to pursue your own interests, but along with the freedom extra loneliness and insecurities creep in. May the following words be part of the divine water wings you need to stay afloat.
Understand Where to Put the Dash
Single women in youth ministry tend to fall into three categories. The first consists of women who are in “single doubt.” They have doubts about themselves, wondering if there’s something “wrong” with them because they aren’t married yet.
The second category consists of women who are “singled-out.” In a culture that often revolves around marriage, they wonder if being different means being less valuable.
The third consists of women who are “singled out.” They understand that God has selected them to be single. And whether they remain single for another month or their entire lifetime, they know they have a divine calling to serve God and others in every chapter of their lives. They’ve found that when God calls, he always provides, and that includes meeting their needs for intimacy and growth.
When I was single, I waffled back and forth among all three categories. But the more I stayed in the first two, the more miserable I made myself. Ask God to help you savor your singleness and treasure the wisdom of Mennonite theologian John H. Yoder: “Marriage is not wrong, and existing marriages are to be nurtured. Yet there exists no Christian imperative to become married as soon as one can or to prefer marriage over singleness as a more whole or wholesome situation…It needs to be taught as normative Christian truth that singleness is the first normal state for every Christian.”
Finding Contentment in Your Own Pasture Ever look at the married women in your life and wish you were where they are? Ever long to experience life as they do? During my single years, I felt like I had ALL this love in my heart and no one to receive it.
At that same time, I discovered words that would change my life, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:3,4).Through these verses, the Lord showed me that the “single pasture” he had me in was exactly where he wanted me.
As I was plastered up against the fence of my pasture, looking longingly into the pastures of my friends, the Lord gently whispered, “Heather, turn around.” And when I did, what I saw was a generation of kids who longed to experience the love that was overflowing in my heart. It was then that my “full-time” job changed—instead of longing to be in the pastures of others, I committed to exploring every blade of grass in mine until God chose to swing open the gate and lead me into a new pasture of life.
—Heather
Singleness Awareness Day
Okay, sure, Valentine’s Day is a hard day. While it means flowers and romance for couples, it’s a certified Singleness Awareness Day for singles. But the good thing about this particular holiday is that singles tend to bond together, holding impromptu movie nights and pizza parties.
It’s the other Singleness Awareness Days that are really hard: weddings, work parties, Christmas parties—those “bring-a-date” occasions. Your two best options: invite someone or walk into that room wearing the confidence that comes from knowing Jesus. You are HIS beloved. And that makes a lot of difference.
When I first entered ministry as a part-timer, the only answer I seemed to know was “Yes!” As a single woman, I would take on responsibilities with less than 24 hour’s notice, be the last one to leave the church at night, be the first one there in the morning, adjust vacation plans to accommodate programs, and stay at the office until 2 a.m. just to “get a few more things done.” And in a warped sense, I felt good about it all—like I was a better minister or a better Christian because of those sacrifices.
Eventually, I hit a wall. Hard. I was exhausted, drained, discouraged, and had no idea how to ignite the passion for ministry that used to burn so brightly. It was during this time of desperation and fear that “Heather Time” was created. I opened my planner and began to block out three-hour blocks at least every other day. If there were no three-hour blocks available, I would boldly cancel what was in the way of those blocks.
Now as a full-time, married minister, that time is even more essential, and I’m so thankful I started that healthy pattern early on in my ministry! I am certain it is my “Heather Time” that has allowed me to continue passionately in ministry for 12 years!
—Heather
A Surrogate Spouse
When you’re single, it’s all too easy to make the ministry your surrogate spouse. When you feel lonely, you call up a kid. When you have a free Friday night, you buy some brownie mix and have a youth group slumber party. When the pastor needs someone to do some extra work, you volunteer because hey—you don’t have a family to go home to.
While that’s okay sometimes, if it becomes a pattern, you might need to set up some boundaries that give you a personal life beyond your ministry. After all, there’s a big difference between being used by God and just being used up.
Have Adult Friends
In the last month how much time have you spent with teenagers? How much time have you spent with people your own age? (And no, staying to clean up after Wednesday night youth group with the rest of the staff doesn’t count.) What do these two numbers tell you about yourself? Are you so busy with kids that you’ve lost track of your own peers? If so, give yourself a sabbatical from teenagers and hook up with some of your girlfriends.
Sex and the Single Woman
A speaker once joked that “Sex and the Single” was the shortest seminar he had ever done. If that’s true, he doesn’t know much about singleness… or sexuality. Being single doesn’t mean you lack a “sex life.” You have the same hormones and desires as married women. What’s missing is an appropriate outlet.
I’ve seen single women in youth ministry develop close friendships with some of the older guys in high school. They claim they’re like an “older sister” who is there to listen and support the guys, but I’ve often wondered (and sometimes asked!) if they’re getting their needs for intimacy and cross-gender relationships fulfilled in unhealthy ways.
Don’t fool yourself. Are you a bit too close to some of the guys in your group, especially the juniors and seniors? Are you relying on them for male attention, maybe even flirting with them a bit to provoke it? If so, then talk to a trusted female confidante. Distance yourself from the guys involved. God’s got something way better for them and for you.
Beware the Blind Date
As she’s picking up Juaneta from youth group, Juaneta’s mom yells out the car window, “I know a great guy for you. Do you want me to set you up?”
You shrug and say, “Sure,” and the next thing you know, you’re sharing a glamorous night at Denny’s with a guy who’s 15 years older than you and reminds you more of your dad than a date.
Sound familiar? If so, then you’re part of the growing club of Single Women in Youth Ministry Who Have Had Really Bad Blind Dates. The next time someone asks you if you want to go out with that great coworker/neighbor/cousin, ask a few follow-up questions: How old is he? What does he like to do? What’s his relationship with God like? What kind of ministry is he involved in? And here’s a biggie: Why do you think we’d be good for each other?
But Aren’t Guys Going to Be Intimidated By Me?
Before I got married, I used to be worried that guys would be intimidated by me since I was a youth leader. My fears were somewhat justified. A few guys who approached me in coffee houses changed their tune when they asked me what I was reading, and I told them I was studying New Testament Greek.
But here’s what I learned. If a guy is intimidated by you, then he’s probably not the right guy for you. That doesn’t mean you should go out of your way to act like a Big Bad Woman in Youth Ministry, but it does mean you should be yourself—calling and all. And if a guy is not attracted to that, he’s not worth the time.
Since You’re Not Supporting a Family…
Many women who get paid by their church to do youth ministry have heard something like this: “We so appreciate your ministry here, and we’d like to pay you more. But things are tight. And after all, it’s not like you’re supporting a family.”
Ugh. Double ugh. First off, it’s not legal. Second, someday you might get married and need to support a family and could really use a nest egg. Third, if you don’t ever get married, you will probably need an even bigger nest egg because the only one tossing money toward the nest is you. Ask to be paid according to the salary scale set up by the church for the rest of its employees. Whether or not you’ve got a ring on your finger shouldn’t make a difference in your paycheck.
Don’t Push the Pause Button
Do you have a list of things you’ll do “once you get married”? Backpack through Europe, buy tickets to the Super Bowl, climb Mount Whitney? Are any of those things really going to be more likely to happen once you get married and have more responsibilities? Probably not.
So why wait? Get a few friends, save up some money, and step out into adventure. Not only is it good for you, but it’s good for your students. They’ll learn that being single doesn’t mean you have to push the pause button on your life.
Adopt a Family
Which TV family offers the most realistic view of family life for your students’ families?
A. The Osbournes
B. The Bradys
C. The Simpsons
D. The Huxtables
E. The Gilmores (from The WB’s Gilmore Girls )
F. The Lopezes (from ABC’s The George Lopez Show)
G. The Hennessys (from ABC’s 8 Simple Rules)
How about none of the above?
It’s easy to glamorize married life. From the island of the single woman, the island of the married woman seems like a cross between Hawaii and Tahiti. But it’s not. And you need to know that.
Get close to the families of your students, especially the female students. Invite yourself over to dinner. Volunteer to come over some Saturday morning to help pull weeds. In the midst of the meals and the crabgrass, you’ll see that family life is no bed of roses.
During my college years, I so desired to have a companion. I had plenty of great friends, but this longing was different. From the first moment I began noticing boys, I developed a list of standards for the one I would choose someday. But after years of not dating, the people around me hinted that maybe my standards were just a little too high. I started to listen to the hints.
It was those voices that moved me to consider a guy named Kyle. Kyle had been pursuing me for over a year but I had no interest in him. He struggled with his temper and lacked fashion sense; he wasn’t excited about my ministry; and when I thought about kissing him, I would begin to dry-heave. But as I looked around, no one else was looking my way, so I gave in to the hints of others and to Kyle. What followed were two dates and a year of misery as I tried to convince him that I was not the one for him.
Friends, no matter how deeply you long for someone to share life and laughter with, don’t lower the standards God has laid on your heart! Genesis 2:18 tells us that God created a “suitable helper” for Adam—someone fashioned just for him. Knowing that, why do so many of us wander over to the “clearance racks” of men to search for “the one”? As women who were knit together in our mother’s womb by our Creator, we deserve so much more than a blue-light special!
—Heather
Know Where You Fall on the Vulnerability Spectrum
Some single women in youth ministry are very tightlipped about their dating lives. They figure it’s none of their students’ business, and they don’t want to drag their kids through the ups and downs of their romances. Other single women are regular National Enquirers, sharing with students what they like and don’t like about their dates all in the name of being “real.”
Which extreme do you fall into? And what can you do about it? If you keep your dating cards a little too close to your vest, then let students know a little more about the guys you’re dating. Ask them to pray for wisdom as you’re getting to know different guys. And if you’re more of a “tell all,” make it your motto to just tell some. Ask yourself if you’d be sharing the same information if your students’ parents were sitting there with you. If not, then you should probably keep your mouth shut.
Take your best guess at filling in the blank below:
Your view of ________________ and use of it will tell more about you…than almost anything else. It is not an extra in life, but it is the medium in which all that we see, hear, feel, imagine, think, judge and do takes place.
Got any guesses? Would it be easier if I told you this quote came from a book by Robert Banks called The Tyranny of Time?
Our time is our most valuable commodity. It’s one of the few things where once we use it, we can never get it back. It’s one of God’s greatest gifts to us, and one of our daily questions should be: How can I best use the divine gift of the next 24 hours? As women in youth ministry, there are all sorts of answers to that question. Your answer is certain to be different from mine. Your answer about Tuesday is probably different than your answer for Friday. Whether you face a day of diaper duty or back-to-back meetings, this section will help you unwrap some common themes about schedules and organize your calendar around them.
True or False Test
In When I Relax I Feel Guilty (don’t you dig the title?), Tim Hansel identifies several myths we have about the importance of work in our schedule. Read the list below and circle the myths that are near and dear to your heart.
1. Work is the primary source of my identity.
2. Work is inherently good, and therefore, the more work I do, the better person I am.
3. I am not really serving the Lord unless I consistently push to the point of fatigue.
4. The more I work, the more God loves me.
5. If I work hard enough 50 weeks a year, then I “deserve” a vacation.
6. Most of my problems would be solved if I would only work harder.2
As I was reading this list a few years ago, I glanced over at my newborn son. Nathan’s grand daily accomplishment as a three month old: filling his diapers. And yet I loved him more than I ever thought I would or could. That’s how God feels about you. You are his beloved. Your work is irrelevant to his love.
I’ll Get Some Rest When the Work Is Done
Maybe you live in a more utopian world than I do, but there is always one more student in crisis, one more talk to fine-tune, or one—or 21—more e-mails to return. Being a youth worker, and being a follower of Christ for that matter, means our work is never done. And yet we live as if things will improve if we just work harder.
Think of Jesus. When he moved into the Jewish neighborhood, he was inundated by all sorts of people with all sorts of needs. And what did he do? WWJD? Not heal everyone, that’s what.
If I Rest, People Will Think I’m Lazy
If you care about impressing other people, you probably shouldn’t be in youth ministry in the first place. Your primary audience is not other people or yourself, but your Father in heaven.
Plus, you have it backward: Busyness is actually a sign of laziness. It shows that you don’t have the strength and the will to go against our culture. Letting others decide your agenda, thereby avoiding the excruciating choices of setting priorities for what you’re going to do and—more importantly—for what you’re NOT going to do, makes you more lazy, not less.
Growing up as an outspoken, extroverted, energetic, and articulate leader, I was always asked to fill roles of responsibility. It started in kindergarten when I was given the honor of being a line leader. It continued through elementary school where I was a peer counselor and a member of the school patrol. High school brought on the roles of alto section leader, student council class president, president of SADD, and speaker for SHOC (an anti-drug and alcohol committee). I won’t even get into my college years!
As I matured, I began to understand that because of how God created me, I would never be at a loss for things to do and ministries to be a part of, but I was not the only one God could use to further that ministry, encourage that kid, or solve that world problem. And that, my friends, was the first step in recovering from my “savior syndrome.” I realized that not only was I overdoing it, but there was also the possibility that I was taking someone else’s space in the body of Christ—someone who could have filled that spot more effectively.
—Heather
If I Stop Working, How Will the Work Get Done?
This is undoubtedly my most insidious obstacle to put to rest. Who is the ultimate worker? Who is the ultimate pastor? Like you, I am a shepherd (with a lower case s) over students but our Father is their ultimate Shepherd (with a capital S). We aren’t part of a tag team with God. It’s not like it’s my turn for a while, and then when I get tired, I reach out my hand, touch his, and it’s his turn to dive into the ring. It’s ALWAYS his turn.
“Fatigue makes cowards of us all.”
—Vince Lombardi, football coach
Number Four on God’s Top Ten
Don’t you just love holidays? And I’m not just talking about the big three: Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I mean those other Monday ones: Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Veterans Day. Twenty-four hours without a job. Twenty-four hours to rest and relax. Twenty-four hours to spend with the friends and family you care about.
What if I told you that the God of the universe wants you to have 24 hours like that every week?
As a woman in youth ministry, you may have successfully sidestepped the more obvious landmines of sexual immorality, lying, and cheating on your taxes, but check out commandment number four in God’s original Top Ten list in Exodus 20:8-10: “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God.” Female youth workers violate this commandment more than any other.
I suppose I’ve been marinating in the Protestant Work Ethic much of my life. I’ve learned that work is good. Work is holy. Work is what God wants me to do. As long as I can keep myself from getting sick, what difference does it make if I work and study 70 to 80 hours a week? Until I ventured into a commitment to a weekly Sabbath a few years ago, I had no idea what I had been missing. How can I enter the quiet place beside the still waters unless I stop? How can I lead others into the quiet place beside the still waters if I am in perpetual motion?
We have special toll roads in California. The idea is if you take them, you get there faster. One day I’m driving, and I see in big huge font: “WE DON’T SLOW DOWN,WHY SHOULD YOU?” At that, my jaw dropped. I’ll tell you why I should slow down: Because when I don’t, I’m impatient rather than calm, controlling and not gentle, irritable versus steady and predictable, a reactionary rather than a compassionate responder. That’s why! Rest changes me. And you, too.
—Megan
If You Want to Have Your Own Sabbath, Here Are Some Tips to Keep in Mind:
The Sabbath is more about New Testament freedom than Old Testament law. Jesus abolished Sabbath legalism, NOT the practice of the Sabbath. Instead, he actually elevated its importance by calling himself the “Lord of the Sabbath” (Matthew 12:1-8). If you’re avoiding the Sabbath, you may actually be stepping into the same kind of legalism as the first century Pharisees. After all, what is the root of legalism? It’s thinking that you have to EARN salvation. Many women in youth ministry are avoiding the Sabbath with the same underlying motive: thinking that we have to EARN God’s approval.
Each week look ahead on your calendar and block out some time by writing the word Sabbath on it. After all, the Sabbath won’t automatically appear in your calendar. You have to intentionally schedule it. No one will do it for you.
When in Sabbath, PRAY and PLAY.3 A good Sabbath has meaningful times of worship, prayer, journaling, and meditation balanced with time spent hanging out with friends, taking a hike, or reading a gripping novel.
I met a female youth worker who said her boss wouldn’t allow a full day off for anyone. “Ministry needs us,” he’d say. I looked her straight in the eye and said, “Quit your job.” She thought I was crazy at first but then realized she worked for a workaholic dressed in sheep’s clothing. She went back and showed him the passages of Scripture where Jesus clearly rested, and he fired her.
—Megan
Set aside as much time as you can, even if it’s just a half-day. Or a few hours. There are times in my life where ministry demands or family commitments make an entire day of rest impossible. On those weeks, I try to set aside a half-day. Or three hours. Whatever I can get. And if you have kids, you may have to swap children with another family to get some quality time, meaning you take a Sabbath every other week.
Avoid items on your to-do list like the plague. It’s tempting to “accidentally” do something that is actually work (i.e., cleaning your garage, buying a birthday gift for your brother, sorting your clothes) on your Sabbath day. As much as possible, try to stick to activities that truly refresh and restore you. You’ve got the other six days to do everything else. You might want to try one of my traditions—taking a nap. Sleeping is actually an incredible act of faith. When I sleep during the day, I’m saying, “God, I trust you to take care of things until I wake up.”
All the pastors at my church are allowed one-and-a-half days off each week. Because Sunday, which is a normal day off for most of the nation, is one of our busiest days of ministry, we end up taking our Sabbath on another day. When I first started as the junior high pastor, I tried to take my day and a half. I would look at my planner on Monday and think, Which day can I take off this week? What I saw before me were appointments, programs, and events that spanned all of my days. Well, I would say to myself, I’ll just be sure I get one next week. It never happened.
Last year, I got smart. I went to the month of September in my Palm Pilot and marked every single Thursday as “Day Off.” In addition, I communicated to my coworkers, volunteer staff, and junior high families that from now on Thursdays were going to be my Sabbath. I was encouraged (and even a little shocked!) when everyone responded with things like “Good for you!” or “I’m proud of you!”
On those crazy weeks when life seems out of control, I look toward my Sabbath day and say, “I can make it to Thursday!”
—Heather
Talk openly about what you’re doing with students, friends, and the people at your church. We in ministry have done a fantastic job of infecting each other with pseudo-workaholism camouflaged as dedication. Wouldn’t it be great if we could turn the tables and infect each other with a commitment to biblical rest and refreshment? Wouldn’t it be great if when someone approached you in your church lobby and asked, “So, are you keeping busy?” and you could honestly say, “No, not really”? And when you said “no,” you didn’t have to worry about being judged or ridiculed? The early church fathers would have told you that being busy was a sin. How did a vice become a virtue?
Get a New Scale
As women in youth ministry, it’s easy to evaluate our days by how much we got done. If we made good progress on our talk, finished up registration for the mission trip, had a few good conversations with students, and answered all our e-mails, we feel like we had a productive day. If not, we feel bad about our days and ourselves.
Where does the Bible say that we should judge our days based on how much we do? Jesus actually says the opposite. Our two priorities are to love God and to love others. So try using how much you love God and how much you love people as the scales to measure each day.
Priority Grid
It was one of those days. I felt so overwhelmed and so busy that I didn’t even feel like I had time to go to the bathroom (you know what I mean, don’t you?). I was sharing my anxiety with my husband, Dave, over dinner, and he—being the engineer that he is—suggested I try something called a Priority Grid. It’s something he made up, but here’s how it works.
Start by writing the list of items you want to prioritize (i.e., your roles or “to-do” tasks) in the column of shaded boxes on the left side of the chart (we’ll call it “Side A”). Next, write the same list of things in the row of shaded boxes across the top (we’ll call this “Side B”).
Starting with the item listed in the first shaded box on Side A, compare it to each item listed in the Side B boxes, asking yourself which of the two things is more important. If the item or task from Side A is more important, write a zero in the box between the two items. If the Side B item is more important, then write a one. When the first row is complete, start again using the item written in the second shaded box in the Side A column.
When you have filled in every box, total the numbers for each column and write the totals in the row at the bottom of the chart. The Side B items with the highest totals should also have a higher priority in your life.
Here’s an example:
I try to do this every month or two; and when I do, it quickly shows me where I should focus my energy and what I should consider dropping from my schedule. (Clearly, I need to kiss my spouse!) This prioritization exercise takes 10 to 15 minutes to do, but it’s saved me hundreds of hours.
Get a Hobby
What do you do for fun? And no, hanging out at high school track meets doesn’t count. Let me rephrase the question—What do you do for fun that has nothing to do with making you a better youth worker? Are you stumped? Then you need a hobby. Take a dance class. Borrow a mountain bike. Become a pasta aficionado. Develop a piece of your life that is yours alone.
Work Out
This is probably not the first time you’ve heard this, but physical exercise is essential for your physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual health. Yet on lots of days the last thing I want to do is throw on my Adidas, load my kids in the stroller, and walk around our neighborhood.
But I do. Why? Because I tell myself that when I’m done, I’ll be glad I did it. My mind feels sharp, my body feels strong, and my emotions feel balanced.
Ask yourself: have you ever regretted exercising? Probably not. So find something that fits in your schedule and budget (yoga, lifting weights, swimming, joining a soccer league, finding a walking partner), lace up those tennis shoes, and work up a sweat.
Fifteen-Minute Relaxer
Have you discovered something you can do in 15 minutes that totally relaxes you? Does pulling weeds calm your nerves? Does picking up the phone and calling an old friend from college soothe your soul? For me, 15 quiet minutes in the bathtub make all the difference. So figure out something that will relax you in 10 to 15 minutes, and give yourself the freedom to indulge in that activity whenever you need a break. Being relaxed is one of the best gifts you can give to the friends, family, and students you care about. By taking care of yourself, you’re taking care of them, too.
My Tuesdays are nutty. I wake up at 6 a.m., leave the house by 8 a.m., go to every meeting under the sun, and then meet with my student small group until 9:30 p.m. It’s a whirlwind of a day. However, I’ve recently figured out a method to survive this chaotic day. In my Palm Pilot I put the word relax at 4:30 p.m. Once the alarm goes off, it takes me about a half hour to leave the office, but by 5 I am home RELAXING in the bathtub for 15 minutes—bubbles and all. I light a candle, turn off the phone, and soak, soak, soak. Then around 5:30 p.m., I’m dressed and ready to head out, only now I feel like my tank is full again because I pushed the pause button in the middle of it all.
—Megan
A One-to-One Comparison
For too long, I’ve squeezed too many things into my schedule because, after all, “It’s only an hour meeting” or “That student really needs someone to talk to.” While that may be true, I’ve now started to view my time in a one-to-one comparison. When I compare that one-hour meeting to an hour with my family, is it worth it? When I compare time with that student to time playing trains on the living room carpet with my kids, which is the better use of time? When you make such a direct comparison, your priorities rise to the top. Quickly.
I Am Woman! Hear Me Roar!
Well, okay…some days. Other days I feel more like a mouse than a lion. Why is it that some days I feel confident in my calling and relish the opportunity to minister to students while other days I am paranoid about what others are thinking of me and would rather just stay in bed? If we’re honest with ourselves, each of us has our own long list of temptations and insecurities that paralyze us. And sometimes the items on our lists seem to contradict each other: pride one day, insecurity the next, grandiosity on Monday, self-loathing on Tuesday.
The bad news is that because of our sin, we will never be able to fully break free from our temptations and insecurities. But as we’ll see in this section, the good news is that because of God’s grace, we can at least make some baby steps. After all, three steps forward and two steps back is still one step forward.
At Best, We Feel Different; At Worst, We Feel Isolated
Being a woman in youth ministry is a lot like the Where’s Waldo book series. You feel like you’re different than the rest. Stating the obvious, you’re different than the men you work with (see sections three and four for more on that topic).
And while you probably have some amazing female friends, if they haven’t sat crying with a heartbroken seventeen year old or had smushed glazed donuts at 6 a.m. after an all-nighter, they don’t get all of you.
When I first realized I was headed for youth ministry, I began looking for “female heroes” who had gone before me. One was all I needed. Her name was Lori Salierno, and she was actually doing it! She was out there, teaching men and woman, young and old, hands-on youth ministry. So I took a risk and phoned her. She was wonderfully responsive and soon thereafter, we actually met! She basically said, “In the male dominated culture of youth ministry, you’ll need to do all you can to be worth your salt. Go to seminary. Take every opportunity you know. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. Go and do what other people won’t. Be willing, get educated, and pray, pray, pray for God to lead you directly according to his path. And remember, ‘He who called you IS faithful’…Let’s stick together.”This moment was the beginning of me finding another Waldo in my world. It felt great!
—Megan
At worst, those feelings of being different evolve into feeling isolated. It’s tempting to let ourselves withdraw more and more into our “You Just Don’t Get Me” corner. Don’t stay there long. (Flip to section two of this book, which covers networking, for more help.)
A 1998 survey of 2,400 youth workers in multiple denominations revealed that female youth workers are more likely than males to feel unqualified.4 Maybe we truly are less qualified, but I think it’s more likely that we are just as qualified, but we just don’t realize it.
Mixed Messages
As women leaders, we are sent all sorts of mixed messages:
Be on top of things, but not too nitpicky on details.
Be in touch with your feminine side, but not too prissy.
Be smart, but not too smart.
Use your gifts, but not too publicly.
Be strong, but not intimidating.
Be attractive, but not distracting to the men you partner with.
Be nice, but not wimpy.
Messages like these are enough to make a girl’s head spin—especially if she doesn’t have someone to talk to about it. Find another woman (ideally a youth worker) and talk about the mixed messages you struggle with. Invite her to tell you if you are being too nice or not nice enough, too strong or not strong enough—even if others just perceive you that way. Your character will be deepened and so will your impact.
Between a Wimp and a Witch
One of my biggest prayers for myself is that I would be a woman of “gentle strength.” Why do I believe gentle strength is so important? First, Jesus modeled it for us. He wept with compassion, yet he overturned tables in the temple. He mourned over the death of his friend, but he also taught with conviction and passion.
And second, while Jesus’ model of gentle strength applies to both men and women, it’s even more important for us to master because of our culture’s (including our church culture’s) expectations for women leaders. People expect us to overemphasize our gentleness and be wimpy. Or they expect our pendulum to swing the other direction so we overemphasize our strength and become witches (or some other word that rhymes with that). While it’s tempting to succumb to cultural expectations, ask God to help you figure out how to be a leader of gentle strength.
Wear Blinders
Is it just me, or do women in youth ministry care more about what others think of them than their male counterparts do? We seem to be far more worried about what parents will think about our sexed series, what our pastor will think about our new bongo-drum-led worship music, and what the youth staff will think if we cancel the staff Christmas party. In many ways, that sensitivity to people’s feelings is helpful. But in others, it’s harmful. It causes us to doubt ourselves and hesitate before we pull the trigger. Instead of “Ready, aim, fire!” we women are more like “Ready, aim, aim, aim, aim, aim...fire?” And even when we do fire off some changes, we still lie in bed at night wondering how others will respond.
Another termfor this is (get ready…) People Pleaser. Shamefully, I’ve fallen victim to this more times than I can count. I often feel the pressure to perform. To be the best at everything, not failing at anything. know the feeling…to be everyone else but you for the sake of being liked.
It took me a year to finally realize that God didn’t bring me to Saddleback in order to be the “guy next to me.” He brought me there to bring my unique giftedness to a place that desperately needed it. It needed my energy, my insights, my experience, and yes, even my sensitivity to help not only students grow, but our team as well. Don’t doubt your unique giftedness; rather, have a teachable spirit while trusting yourself.
—Megan
If this is you, you need some blinders. Don’t let the static of others’ opinions block your divine antennae. Figure out what God wants you to do and then do it. Along the way, invite people on board the vision, but don’t get stalled at the station of What If People Don’t Like It?
Bragging Using Christianese
“Oh, God is doing so much in our ministry. Our small groups are doing great, and TONS of kids are becoming Christians.” It’s tempting to speak about all the things “God is doing” as a cover for our own bragging. When you share about your ministry, are you really trying to give God the glory or would you like a few crumbs of that glory for yourself? If it’s more about you than God, then maybe you should stop sharing for a while. Silence may just turn your character golden.
The Christian “F Word”
You’ve probably heard the Christian “F Word” bounce its way around your church lobby. It’s four letters long. You know what I’m talking about—fine.
“How are you?”
“Fine, how are you?”
“How are your kids?”
“Oh, just fine. ”
“How’s work going?”
“Fine, thank you.”
When I say I’m “fine,” I’m taking the easy way out: figuring out the quickest response that protects me from sharing how I’m really doing.
So I’m on a personal crusade to abolish the word fine. When are we ever just fine? I bounce around from denial to despair, hardly ever landing at absolutely fine. Saying “I’m fine” is a cop-out.
What words do you use to cover up how you’re really doing? When we combine our insecurities with our No Time To Really Hear How You’re Doing culture, we end up with the perfect formula for superficiality. Please, by God’s grace, open yourself up to others. Share how you’re really doing, what you’re really struggling with. Use words like fantastic, miserable, ecstatic, hopeless. Let your friends and your students peer into the full range of your emotions.
As I have battled between feeling the need to be strong and wanting to be honest and truthful, I have found a way to be victorious. The question usually comes when I’m having a day like no other—you know the kind: I run out of deodorant (and the last of it actually shoots out of the container all over the black shirt I had laid out to wear!), the car doesn’t start in the cold Minnesota morning, I walk into the church building fully aware that I wouldn’t be walking out for another 16 hours, and the first voice mail I listen to is from a seventh grader’s mom asking, “Will you have any other chaperones with you when you take the 100 junior highers to the Mall of America on Friday?”
And then comes the question as I walk toward the resource room—“How are you doing?” Do I lie and say that life has never been better? Do I look straight at the custodian, who just asked me this seemingly harmless question, and say, “Sit down, and I’ll tell ya!”Well, both responses would cause some pain. First, pain for me as I hide the frustration of the day. Second, pain for the friendly custodian who finds out way more than he wanted to know about me.
Instead I have learned to say, “Thanks for asking. I’m actually having a rough day, but I’m looking forward to it getting better!” If the person tries to dig deeper, and I’m not ready to share, I say, “Thanks for caring, but I’d prefer not to talk about it right now.” It may sound simple. It may even sound a bit short. But it is a beautiful mixture of humanity and truth that draws a distinctive boundary in your ministry.
—Heather
Mall Rats
What’s an easy activity to do with teenage girls? Go to the mall. And when you go to the mall, how do you end up feeling about yourself? Usually worse. You don’t have the right body to fit into the clothes—and even if you did, you don’t have the money to buy them.
Come up with some other activities to do with girls. Bake dinner together, volunteer to baby-sit for a single parent at your church, or make posters for the next overnighter. And when you do take them to the mall, use it as a springboard for discussion about body image, materialism, and consumerism (and any other isms you can think of ).
“Look, Up in the Sky! Is It a Bird? Is It a Plane?”
No, it’s Super Woman in Youth Ministry, who, disguised as (fill in the blank with your own name), fights a never-ending battle for salvation, sanctification, and the youth-group way!
Are you tempted to try to do it all? Do your insecurities motivate you to pretend you’re the perfect youth worker? If so, then you’re only a few steps shy of fatigue and stress. And after you trip down that road of fatigue and stress for a while, you’ll stumble into burnout. Instead of caring too much, you won’t care at all.
Exit quickly by admitting your weaknesses—both to yourself and to others. Don’t try to do it all. Ask others for help. Instead of putting up a façade of having it all together, let others know about your failures and weaknesses. Start with baby steps, like sharing an illustration in a talk about an issue you’re struggling with. The phrase “be real” is so overused that we’ve grown numb to the power of its message, but still: Be Real.
As Archibald Hart from Fuller Theological Seminary explains, “Stress may kill you prematurely, and you won’t have enough time to finish what you started. Burnout may never kill you, but your long life may not seem worth living.”5
Damsel in Distress
Maybe you’re on the other end of the spectrum from being a Super Woman. You’re more of a damsel in distress: downplaying your own abilities, quickly admitting your flaws, and just waiting for someone (especially a guy) to help you. As the theologian Jurgen Moltmann warns,
It is usually said that sin in its original form is man’s wanting to be as God. But that is only the one side of sin. The other side of such pride is hopelessness, resignation, inertia, and melancholy…Temptation then consists not so much in the titanic desire to be as God, but in weakness, timidity, weariness, and not wanting to be what God requires of us.
While interviewing for jobs, women tend to attribute their past success to luck, or a mentor’s help. In contrast, men tend to associate their success with their own abilities.6
If this is you, then it’s time to recognize that when God calls, he always equips and provides. And while that often happens through others, that’s no excuse to avoid stepping up to the plate and taking a swing every once in a while. The next time someone is leading a crowdbreaker involving eggs, ketchup, and pantyhose, raise your hand to play. On the next winter retreat, rally the girls and women in your group to carry their own luggage. Instead of insisting, “Oh, I could never speak in front of our students,” volunteer to lead at least a short devotional. Your girls are watching your every move, and you want them to have enough internal strength so they won’t need to read books like Why Do I Think I Am Nothing without a Man? After all, there is no counterpart for male readers called Why Do I Think I Am Nothing without a Woman?
Emotional Affairs7
You’re partnering in youth ministry with great guys, you’re seeing lives changed, and you’re passionate about ministry. You may not realize it, but it’s easy to let that passion spill over into unhealthy relationships with your male volunteers or paid coworkers. Odds are good—not great, but good—that you’re sidestepping the more obvious landmines of inappropriate physical intimacy. However, you might be injured by a more common youth worker trap: inappropriate emotional intimacy.
No one ever talks about this in Christian colleges or seminaries. And I rarely hear about it in training conferences. But across denominations, men and women are having emotional affairs. They’re staying out of bed, but they’re letting their emotions run wild. They’re not abandoning their families, but their coworkers have become pseudo-spouses. Here are some signs you might be in trouble:
Your coworker becomes your best friend. When you get good news, he’s the first person you e-mail. When you get bad news, he’s the first person you page.
You intentionally schedule your hours of ministry to overlap with his, even when you’re not meeting together. You’d much rather be around the office if he’s there too, even if it means juggling your schedule to do it.
You find yourself scheduling more time alone with him. Whether you’re planning the winter calendar or developing a recruiting strategy, you don’t invite others to join you. You like the dynamic better when it’s just the two of you.
You’re somewhat jealous of his other female friends. It’s not that you don’t want him to date or have other friends. You just don’t want it to interfere with your time together or the depth of your sharing.
You actually find yourself jealous of the 13-year-old girls he’s talking to. You look across the room and wish you were the one he was comforting or teasing instead of her.
You start losing sight of his other relationships. He may be married or dating, but you start forgetting about that part of his life. You’d rather just think of him as your partner.
You choose time with him ahead of your own family or significant friends. After Wednesday night youth group, you head out to coffee with him instead of curling up in front of the fire with your husband. And even if you discipline yourself to head home to your family, in your heart of hearts, you’d rather be out with him.
You find yourself thinking about him even when you’re not with him. You wonder what he’s doing and maybe even call him just to say “Hi.”
If there’s any flavor of inappropriate emotional intimacy in your relationships, talk to a trusted friend about it. Get to know his wife or girlfriend. Reduce the time you’re alone with him. Take steps now to put on the brakes before you end up speeding out of control.
In three different surveys, 10 to12 percent of Protestant pastors have confessed to having extramarital sexual intercourse since they entered the ministry.8 When the question is broadened, somewhere between 23 percent and 39 percent of pastors admit to having engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors beyond just intercourse.9 Approximately 70 percent of these sexual behaviors occurred with someone from the pastor’s own church, either a congregation member or a coworker.10 Like a tidal wave, acts of sexual misconduct by Protestant and Roman Catholic clergy are sweeping away gifted, and probably called, men and women.
Accountability
We’ve bumped up against the idea of accountability relationships already in this section, but it’s so important that it deserves its own tip. By accountability, we mean inviting others to speak into your lives. And whether you’re a rookie or a veteran woman in youth ministry, you need other women who love you too much to let you get away with stuff.
Ask one to three women to meet with you regularly. When you meet, covenant together for total honesty and total confidentiality. As you get to know each other, try asking some of the following questions:
How has your relationship with Christ been changing?
What’s going on in your prayer life?
How have you encountered God’s Word recently?
How have you served other people this week?
How have you been treating your family?
What was your biggest disappointment? How did you decide to handle it?
What was your biggest joy? How did you handle it?
How have you been tempted recently? How did you respond?
How have you controlled your tongue?
Have you committed any sexual sin?
How have you worshiped God recently?
How are you letting non-Christians know about your faith?
What are you wrestling with in your thought life?
What do you see as your number-one need for next week?
Have you lied in your answers to any of the above questions?
Years ago in therapy, I learned two major themes that have saved me time and time again:
Be true to yourself
Stay centered
Now I realize this may sound a little psycho-babbleish, but hang with me a second. “Be true to yourself” means being true to what God created you to be—nothing more, nothing less. “Staying centered” means trusting your gut, which is where the Holy Spirit dwells. So whenever I feel like I’m going to lose myself, I’ll pause, take a deep breath, and remind my heart and soul: be true to yourself and stay centered. This is the essence of knowing whose I am—a treasured child of the King!
—Megan
For me, this happens every other Thursday as I meet with a handful of close women friends. No husbands, no kids, no distractions. Each of us takes about 20 minutes to share a few areas in our lives where we need advice, prayer, or accountability. Anyone can ask any follow-up question. Every once in a while there are tears, usually there is laughter, always there is honesty. Thanks to these women, I’m a better follower of Christ, wife, mom, minister, friend, and coworker.
Whose Are You?
I saved the best for last—Who you are comes out of whose you are. Memorize this. Meditate on it. May it be your rock in a sea of stress and struggles.
Notes
1 Allison Pearson, I Don’t Know How She Does It (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2002)
2 Tim Hansel, When I Relax I Feel Guilty (Elgin, Illinois: David C. Cook Publishing, 1979), 37.
3 Eugene Peterson, Working the Angles (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans Publishing, 1987), 52.
4 Merton Strommen, Karen E. Jones, Dave Rahn, Youth Ministry That Transforms (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2001).
5 Archibald Hart, “Understanding Burnout,” Theology, News and Notes 31, no. 1 (March 1984): 5.
6 Don Oldenburg, “When Women Play Down Achievements,” Los Angeles Times, 13 May 1992, sec. E2
7 This section and sidebar were adapted from Kara Powell’s article “Mars and Venus: Too Close for Comfort?” Youthworker journal 19, no. 3 (2003): 28–31.
8 Richard Blackmon, “The Hazards of the Ministry” (Ph.D. diss., Fuller Theological Seminary, 1984); T. Muck, “How Common Is Pastoral Indiscretion?” Leadership 9, no. 1 (1988): 12; Baptist Press Archives, April 19, 1996.
9 Blackmon; Muck, 12–13.
10 Muck, 12–13.